Actually, I do know what comes next.....it was worth the living

     There are things to be shouted from rooftops and things to be sealed up until the end. Pearls are not to be thrown before swine, yet who is not my neighbor, who is the enemy I am to love if I do not love them with the Truth for is there any love seperate from Truth? So, I give what I am given to give and forget what I am given to keep secret. For once Truth touches the soul, there it leaves it's mark. Forgotten or not, it lies there where our eyes do not readily see it.
      I was shown to be sitting chained to a chair, beaten and scarred, laid to waste. One was instructed to unchain me and my spirit began to be revived within me. I felt the smile of the one instructing as instruction was then given to show me what I would not be expecting. And so the one went behind the chair and untied what was there. Stretching forth from my back were white wings. The one giving instruction from behind me whose face I never do see, showed me what looked like the opening of funnel of dark wind, as if I was at the top of a tornado. "Try to go down into it", I was instructed. And so I swooped toward it only to be hung up by the tip of one of my wings. I became frightened in my confusion, "what did this mean?". It meant I would no longer be capable of going down into darkness. "What have I done wrong that could no longer go down into darkness where I had become accostomed of rising out of, thus showing the way?". God was showing me that I would never be 'in the dark' concerning my understanding of Him nor His purposes. I was incapable of being misled.
     Recently, while singing during services, I felt the Mother accepting the Father. A glorious moment occured and I experienced it as if it were I who was accepting my Beloved, warts and all, feeling His mentioning of them as if "even though I....." and the washing away of those faults before the reply "even though..." was fully formed. Of course it was fully formed, but communication with and amongst the higher beings is quicker than lightening. The feeling of a response is sufficient and the next "thought" is already communicated. "The language of angels" does not take place in formed words to be in syllables sounded out by the human tongue. It is too quick and complete in a burst of feeling and understanding like a package downloaded. It is embraced by the whole body, mind spirit and soul.  Only once it is absorbed and processed by all these parts can it then begin to be expressed in human language. Even then it is most accurately conveyed in terms of "as if one was...." followed by an illustration of common human experience.
    So, the Mother accepted and embraced the Father, something I felt within me. Does that mean it was a universal event? How many of us have heard the trumpet blast with the announced awareness of Babylon the Great having fallen? While including messeges for the early congregations, was the rest of Revelation simply the inner evolution of John recorded as an example of what we can each expect to be happening within ourselves as we journey into understanding and a closer relationship with our Maker? We are but vessels, housing spirits. Are the journies we are going through simply those of the spirits who inhabit us while that which we identify with as being ourselves shall die? Or is it to be shed as a snake does it's skin? Flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God, but upon the quickening and birth of the new child in this mortal coil, does that which is mortal become immortal, having earned a place amongst the gods for it's handling of the rebellious spirits it was home to?
   When I saw a white oval marked with writing in black and in red come up to my forehead to mark me, was it me or a spirit within me that was marked as the last? Was it the last in the universe and all of creation to be chosen for adoption or was it the last spirit that had earned a place to dwell within me? I have seen the spirits hovering above tribes of humanity, fighting as if sorcerers throwing colored balls of energy at oneanother, protecting and defending their human people. Was it I seeing it or the spirit within me allowing me a view of what it knows? When I see through the eyes of an eagle as it soars, or a mouse peering from a hole at those I love or a mole as it is swallowed up by a snake.....how is it that I am seeing such things and who is it who is seeing it and sharing it's visual experience with me? And why would this happen? For I cannot decide to see such things of my own accord. I simply lie down and close my eyes to go to sleep as I suppose anyone does. I entertain myself by watching whatever "movie" is playing in my dream eyes, the stage of my mind and voila! I am seeing things such as the spirits dwelling close by, influencing humanity.
    And so, I have learned to apply it all within. It is my psyche and it's processes, my own inner "state of the union address". But I realize as well......as more and more of us undergo this process, the more humanity experiences it as whole, the more it is fulfilled on a world-wide scale. I do believe we are seeing the birth of the "righteous generation" spoken of in "old testament" scripture. Older people randomly comment how much smarter and wiser children are born today. Many refer to them as "old souls". There is a whole movement concerning "indigo" and "crystal" children. The Dance is reaching the fullness of it's desire.
     I was often intimidated and felt personal attack when meeting up with people who think themselves spiritually educated who respond aggressively to me. Then I realized it wasn't personal. Even more recently I realized they are exhibiting a positive trait: they are jealously guarding their perceived relationship with what they believe is God. Is not God self-reportedly a jealous God? Would not such men be reflecting such a God? And yet, it is immense insecurity of our beliefs that drives us to be defensive or even antagonistic toward another perceptual experience and so they must be aproached with simple, quick, tender innocent, upbuilding comments and left to allow the seed to sprout. And even more subtle, the allowance of comunication on a purely spiritual level where the spirits in charge of them is educated non-invasively. Unfortunately, most of us at some point need to have a picture drawn for us, whether it be by behaviors observed or words, or literal drawing.
     I have looked back at periods of darkness and wondered why I did not pray, is that not what faithful people do in times of crisis? But not me. I shut up, allow whatever will happen to happen, just observe and take what lessons I can from what I am observing. Then recntly I came across a scripture that speaks of being quiet in the darkness, that we are there because it IS the time to listen rather than to speak. And I did come out of seasons of darkness with a deeper understanding, more personal relationship, and more love than I ever thought imaginable for those I had previously found distasteful or uncomfortable to be around. I have come out with new heroes, better and closer relationships. So, I guess my silence was not a lack of faith, but an observation of those things which cause me to have more and deeper faith.
    I have recently been shown the source of certain scriptures that consistently caused me to wonder. One such scripture I wondered about was the referral by Yehushua (Jesus) to the one killed between the alter and most holy. Another was the quote "It is better to give than to receive". No where in the "approved" gospels are recorded those quotes. And then I read the gospel of Matthew as recorded and kept by the Nazarines. It was John the Baptist's father killed between the alter and most holy and it is in a scripture preserved in the Nazarine Gospel that quotes Yehushua as saying that it is better to give than to receive. If the writer who quoted these things, they believed them. If they believed the Nazarine Gospel, then much of their writings are mis-interpreted. That or the accepted writings are by the foretold corruptors who entered the congregations. And yet, I do not believe the Nazarine text is preserved in putrity. Something about it is just not right. I do however appreciate the commonality of it with my own experience of there being a Mother, the awareness in my heart of sacrifice of his own child is as foreign an idea to God as child sacrifice He condemned the Isrealites for participating in. Did he not tell Abraham about to sacrifice Isaac that such a thing was not what God wanted? God does not even want the death of the unrighteous, why would he appreciate or see value in the death of a righteous one? Precious to Him in that it hits His heart and leaves it's mark.....has deep meaning, but precious as if He is seeking such and storing it up in a grotesque collection of trophy skulls? I think not.
     Reading the book of Enoch also had some value. We all know "satan" is a descriptive noun rather than a name. In the book of Enoch, the name of the one who misled Eve is given. It silences the debate over whether there were other human beings or if Cain married a sister. The book of Enoch gives the name of the sister Cain married. It speaks of the two different places souls go when they die to await the last day and judgement. There is mourning in both places. The righteous mourn due to injustices not yet avenged while the unrighteous mourn at their hellacious circumstances. No where is the afterlife to be desired until the coming of Paradise.
    As I was given cause to reflect on how mankind always chooses self-destruction and to take others with them when fear is involved(not just war but depression, etc which results in school shootings and such), I knew there is a God. There has to be something of greater consciousness and influence if mankind has survived this long. Nuclear bombs would have been used worldwide by now. War is never impersonal and that which we take personally knows no bounds for it has invaded beyond appropriate boundaries. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Human responses are outside of natural actions and thus "supernatural". If we be but base flesh, we would be incapable of supernatural responses.
    And what is up with the perception of our physical existence?! The body is the temple and yet we must hate it as the source of all evil? Once that which is contained within and governing the temple is purified, would not the temple thus be purified?Would not the desires of it be purified? If mortal flesh is the "animal skin" made by God to protect souls outside of paradise, would not a suit of armor meant to protect be a gift? Would it's responses not be gifts?
    Speaking of the "fall of mankind", I don't believe it was anything different than what God Himself would have done and probably has done. We are told to pray to be made perfect as God is perfect. Adam and Eve were perfect when they made the choice to "sin", with perfect minds, perfect hearts and perfect bodies. Perfection, then, does not mean an inability to "sin". I go on about how I did not want my children to be a part of the cycle of abuse being perpetuated in my family, how I do not want them to have to learn things the hard way and it begins to dawn on me: no parent who has known "good and evil" wants their children to "be like us". We would like to hand all we have learned from experience to our children on a silver platter so they can walk joyfully and peacefully and abundantly through life. And so that serpent did not lie when he said God did not want Adam and Eve to be like Him, "knowing good and evil". Their choice, whatever it may have been that constituted eating fruit of the tree of good and evil, did in fact make them like God. Is He not recorded as saying "now they will be like us, knowing good and evil"? To top it off, death was not a natural result of this "sin". Death was a result of this Father cutting Adam and Eve off from the Tree of Life: their Mother. El's wife was a Goddess represented by the Tree of Life, El was jealous of the attention she was receiving, despite being cut off from Her people hadn't forgotten Her.... and so He took a people for Himself beggining with Abraham. It is only natural for a man to not want other men giving his wife gifts. So it was with God, as it is with those created to reflect Him perfectly: He wanted to be the only one to give praise and gifts to His wife.
     And if all things came into being from God through the one who became known as Jesus, that includes everything we consider evil and God calls evil. There is no quality that can exist within a man that did not first exist in God. So, if God did not like what He saw in creation, it is God not liking what He sees when He looks in the mirror. But just as we have compassion for a man facing his own inner demons and repenting of them, we can look upon God with equal mercy and compassion. We think our egos are formidable? Try an ego as big as God's....the bigger they are, the harder they "fall". And why would knowing such about God be so "blasphemus"? Every other culture atributes human qualities to their gods without questioning it. It is only those who worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob who do not even consider such a possibility. And wouldn't we as parents not want to preserve our children's heroic perception of us for as long as possible? The desire of a God to be perceived as a higher standard of perfection than ourselves apears to be only natural. And wouldn't expectation of Adam and Eve not to "sin" have been expecting them to exhibit a higher state of perfction than Himself....expecting more of the creation than the creator was capable of......if He demanded their unquestioning obedience/not eating of the tree of "Good and Evil"? That would be expecting mankind to be greater than God Himself! And yet, do we not expect that of our own children? Do we not strive to do everything within our power to make it so?  And yet, if they never experience the consequences of poor choices, they can never make the truth their own, a part of their very soul, and thus perfectly understood and exhisting within them, bringing them to a state of perfection. Perfection cannot be handed out like candy, I guess. Even God had to learn "the hard way". And so it is that we pray in Jesus' name and remember him in the ritual of communion......we pray for him as he makes that same journey into perfection.......he asked for the Father to "forgive them for they know not what they do" and was thus abandoned by the Father. No one will rule in the Kingdom of Heaven who has not gone through the "human experience".Scriptures record the Father speaking of "saviorS" and "serventS" and "christS" who will come......mainstream religions simply forget to point out those scriptures because to do so would destroy the perceived need for a hierarchy and exclusive class. The religious elite would not be able to fleece the flock of it's own power and wealth. There would be no perceived dependence upon them for salvation and the receiving of knowledge about God. God himself said He himself would teach those He has chosen. We are to have a personal relationship with our Creator, outside of recorded words and instruction by others. Even New Testament scripture says "you need not be taught anything". And yet the corrupted texts are preserved so the beggining of idea of the Gospel can be passed on, but not depended upon by those in whom the ring of truth ceases to sound at it the closer one becomes to our Maker.
     Smoke breaks can be good: it was just given to strike me that those who believe all desire is evil and the cause for human suffering, striving for "oneness" by their own standards are judged. Is not the desire for "oneness" based on such beliefs, it's self a "sin", thus missing the mark of perfection and self-condemned? Desire is closely linked to passion and God loves passionate people. Desire was it's self the cause of creation: the desire to observe one's self. This desire would be the desire to perceive, see, critically view and observe one's self......judge one's self. And so in our judgement of oneanother, self and God, we fulfill the desire which inspired creation. Our purpose is fulfilled.
God's original purpose for creation and my life is fulfilled. Any desires inspired by this fulfillment and realization of it come next.
All of creation is moving toward the fulfillment of the desire that inspired it-to observe, for the Dance to be able to observe it's self. Limitless qualities would thus have to be manifest-unlimited love, lust, compassion, empathy, understanding, hatred, violence, jealousy...you get the picture. Every perception is just such an observational portal, a window on the world and thus a window on the Dance. Every perception, regardless of degree of perfection of clarity, is a critical observation of the Dance upon it's own reflection. Every experience is thus a fulfillment of that original desire and a part of "God's purpose". Everything we judge as evil or innapropriate is "of God" and desired by "God". It is only when we get that which we desired and are disenchanted of the desire that we cease to desire it. Whether it is because it is not what we expected and we are thus dissapointed or because it offends us that we cease to desire it. It is then that we choose limits and feel freedom within those limits. Only when "God" is fulfilled and/or disenchanted and/or offended by the fulfillment of all desire within creation that creation will come to rest within limits perceived as necccessary for a peaceful existence........will Paradise come.
    Actually, I do know what comes next. I had simply put it to the back of my mind with everything else I've been given then told by "men" is not possibly true. The desire of The Dance is to be present in the eyes of an undistorted mind looking into another set of eyes of an undistorted mind in which it is present. This means one who understands all that I understand, aware of and able to perceive the presence of The Dance looking into the eyes of another with the same understanding, awareness and perception. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob has been useful in achieving this state of being. Certainly He is adopting those of us He so chooses. Certainly so long as His purpose and Kingdom do not prevent the desire/will of The Dance, His Kingdom will indeed come. Order to the universe does impose the sought after limitations for the conditions to exist for this desire to be fulfilled. Yet even "Old Testament" scripture says that once His kingdom is established, people will walk with their own Gods while yearly paying tribute to His authority. All are children of The Dance, loved by The Mother and He certainly cannot hold this against Her for the same love and affection is what preserves Him alive, causing Her to overlook all He has done to Her personally as well as to Hers whom She loves. And so everything that ever existed will be brought back into existence within boundaries and limitations....for everything there is a time and place and everything will be in an appropriate place. Who decides what is appropriate? SHE does.
     As for the Kingdom of God, I think alot of surprise is going to go around when an actual bride of Christ shows up on the scene and suddenly a bunch of hearts and minds begin to discern the prophesies concerning her right there in the sanctioned gospels. Yehushua (Jesus) was quoted as saying the kingdom of God is like a king who went away to procure a bride for his son. I remember being shown in vision being brought into a resterant by God. It was full of male patrons. The command came for them all to stand up and take off their outer shirts. I was prompted from behind(God's presence) to also stand and remove my shirt. I saw all the men had white shirts under their black ones. I was expecting maybe mine to be the same. Instead, it was an irridescent rainbow colored tube top with a skirt.  On another occassion I had shared with me parts of a journey of the morning star referred to in Revelation (sons of god and the morningstars(daughters of god), firstborn in scripture is plural, refering to first sons and daughters, male and female entities in existence). She is the star that pointed the way to Yehushua at birth and in turn Yehushua will point the way to her. She is and has never been far from him, inseperable from birth, brother and sister devoted to oneanother completely. Everything is always two-by-two isn't it? And then there is that scripture that is translated in so very many ways about the creation of something new. Some interpretations say a woman shall encompass a man, a woman shall surround a man, even one that says Isreal shall return to her God(though how that would be something new, I don't know because they were constantly leaving and returning it seems ans thus would be nothing new).  And let us not forget; that which is first shall be last and that which is last shall be first.........
     In most of creation, every male has a female counterpart. It is not that The Dance or feminine is absent in the male, it is simply not the dominant nature in the male. It is not as if God or the masculine is not present in the famale, it is simply not the dominant nature in the female. And while we are looking at creation and the natural physical world, how can we imagine God does not have qualities most humans limit to themselves. Is not the natural physical world full sunshine and wrath? Does it not constantly change as the earth shakes and mountains are moved, continents change and disapear or apear? Are not some species extinct while others evolve? Climates change. ecosystems change. The beaver builds a damn and destroys the environment for it's neighbors while deserts form, leaving whales stranded to have their skeletons discovered millions of years later? The only thing really constant IS change. Humanity went from worshipping many gods to only the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob whether Christian, Jewish or Muslim vs no god of communism and eastern oneness religions while the memory of the other gods remains in small pockets. There is a war for ultimate authority being won and near it's end in our day. Recently the earth it's self has tilted on it's access when Japan had it's earthquake follwed by a major tsunami; has the moon begun to rebel as prophesied in Enoch? Is that what set that event off? One thing is clear, in the last days "all your sons AND daughters will prophesy and dream dreams", a righteous generation will come and it is now that children are being born with a higher consciousness, more awareness and an inclination to love and compassion, ruling over their parents as prophesied. They are straining under the yoke of the unrighteous who are "lovers of themselves," etc. So many sensativities and inabilities to function in this system created by the previous violent, prejudice, self-centered, greedy, fear-based generation before it. Things ARE changing.
     A new day, and some continuation of all I have come to know over the past year in which my online presence did not exist......One might think with all written above that I do not believe any worship or credit is due the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. This is not true. For if it were not for my search for the truth of Him, I would not be the clarified vessel I am today. It was the practices put forth in His name which led to my cognitive work. When I read of His telling Moses not to touch certain peoples and lands upon entering the Promised Land, I would not have been given to wonder about His relationship with these others who had come under His protection. I would not have been given to wonder "If He has many faces as does a man who can be Father to one, Husband to another-Isreal-, Friend, Co-worker, etc, then to know Him completely, I would know all His faces.". If I did not wonder this, I would not have sought His presence in the other religions of the world, been introduced to other practices which develope a spiritual relationship with the unseen. I owe all I am to my interactions with Him and His so that I do agree to be an adopted daughter.
    One might also think I believe I am the entity who is to be the Bride of His son. This is not so. I have seen through the eyes of one who was present the crusifixion of the one called Christ, yet I know I was not there physically or in some past life. I believe past life experiences and the like are simply glimpses we are given from The Dance, from outside of time pearing into time where ever it's purposes are suited to do so. (Which, by the way, it was an upright post and not with a wooden cross beam as depicted in mainstream Christianity). Because of such experiences I can believe that I have been shown what the Bride undergoes while not being consumed with an ego that imagines this vessel is the equal of the Bride. This is more like what is referred to as conscious channeling, something I would not have learned and been capable of experiencing within perspective if I had not explored through other belief systems.
      I believe we exist in spirit in either heaven or hell while we are yet in the flesh and while I have seen no evidence of any sort of life after death other than spiritual enactment of those who have lived in the physical past, I choose to believe the promise of a day of judgement when both the righteous and unrighteous will be ressurrected. Forever, in prophesy, does not mean without end. It merely means until the day has run out-the end of that creative day. Until a desire is fulfilled, one could say. Thus the idea of living forever does not mean without end, neccessarily. It could be that to live in the "bosom of Abraham", is to live in God's heart for eternity, to stand out enough to make such a mark upon His heart and mind that He does not forget you. Thus living forever could simply be God remembering you possitively. It could mean using the representation of all that you are in a sort of impersonation to those who knew you to prove to them that you "live on", your spirit (as in qualities) was worth remembering and repeating.
    Ultimately, even if there is no everlasting life as we would imagine after death, it is absolutely worth it to seek God and His Righteousness for it brings peace, love and joy unparelleled, worth obtaining far more than material wealth or fame or power could ever bring in this life, in this world. Whether or not God chooses to remember me, reward me, raise me up to everlasting life,.......this life, my journey, was worth the living.
  I wish to make note of something else I have learned. I wondered at interactions in which I experienced a fulness of love...to the point of being literally, physically blinded. Those people with whom I had felt the presence of this overwhelming love while interacting have not been people I have had continued interactions with. Why so much love present while in their presence if it was not that I was to love them? We are given what we need when we need it. It was God "marking His territory" and lending His presence as a protection against the presence of extreme evil. It is the opposite what I would expect. Of course the presence of such love and God's Spirit has a profound effect on the inidividual, it may bring healing for the moment,a drawing to me, or even a sharp reaction against me. But the Spirit within me during those times, it turns out is a protection against those whom I think I want to love. And it is not neccessarily because God does not love them, but because the presence of so much love in a large, prolonged dose blows an unprepared mind-literally. So, all people are aproached with caution by me, not in a fearful way-as in afraid of them- but conscious of the potential for harm to them. And if not harm to them, then harm to me should I ignore the warning of the neccessity of such a powerful presence within me.
     Now, that's a full plate!

Update of the spiritual planes...

So, wow, a whole year of dreams, insights, experiences and understandings unaccounted for here. My spiritual status: my last "dream" was of me walking with Yehushua down a dirt road with my "son". On the right side was a forest. The forest was guarded by winged unicorns. There was one standing between each giant tree with  a rainbow "shield" emanating from it, filling the space between the trees. Yehushua took my "son" into the forest to instruct him. I am dwelling in a house on the other side of the road.
God has been sending me a messege by clues...speaking in tongues (I have experienced every other spiritual gift but that one...I'm too much of a control freak! lol). Anyhoo...the clues lead up to Yehushua coming before God's throne to present his blood for me personally and indivudally this year. This is the last season before my redeeming. The seed in me which quickened 7 years ago, being nourished, pruned, tested, etc  has matured to have full understanding of what it means to become an adopted daughter of the Father God. This daughter of the dance shall dance before the throne of God eternally.
And after all this time thinking how aweful "bible believers" would think I would be for believing so much that is "not scriptural" from what they've been taught about what it all means, anyways......someone just gave me a book which is the gospel followed by the Nazarines and it turns out my experiences and understanding of th ebible is not alone in including a mother, the morning stars as the daughters who rejoiced with the sons of God at creation, etc. But that has been the way of it: God himself teaches me and THEN when I have learned to accept His teaching first, then he allows validation of the understandings He has given me to come into my experience. Thus, when it comes ot knowledge and understanding, I trust He is the perfect teacher and more than capable of communicating what He wants me to know.
Maybe I'll remember more later.

Hope Fund App

To whom it may concern;
      My name is Stacey Bourdeau, I am 44 years old, and mother to two small children. I am without an income to support us, a condition which should only last for two months. Compared to all they have been through in their short 5 and 6 years of life, the next two months is just a small hill for my children as well as myself, but it is a hill we could use help climbing. The circumstances leading to this state of almost complete resourcelessness began in 2010.
     I was in an abusive relationship and developed severe digestive issues. It was painful and near impossible to get food down into my stomach. I spent my entire days over a sink or toilet expelling displaced mucus following every effort to eat or drink anything. The abusive relationship escalated to my abuser breaking and entering and kidnapping myself and my two small children. Upon fleeing with nothing but a few diapers and a single change of clothes for each of us, I entered a domestic violence shelter. It was a complete 14 week program including parenting classes, group therapy, education on how to prevent domestic violence, handle finances, etc. There they told me it was a good thing I got away- my abuser's personality type was statistically the one most likely to cause the death of his victims.
     I came back to Maine, got a restraining order and while living in an apartment in Detroit, Maine, began the healing process for myself and two children. My physical problems did not get any better, however. I tried to explain to the doctor for two years what I was going through but he kept treating me for acid reflux. He insisted it was nothing else.
   In October of 2013 I began seeking help in finding a new place for us to live. My landlord was failing to make her mortgage payments and eviction was imminent. I had just applied for SSDI and was on TANF-not enough income to save for security and downpayment on another rent. There was no room in any shelters available. The eviction put us out on Eastern Sunday 2014 while I was in and out of the hospital because my difficulty in swallowing increased so that only liquids would occassionally get through to my stomach and I was obviously deteriorating. The doctor at the hospital first insisted it was psychological and thus an eating disorder. He said he could refer me to a psychologist who could prescribe psych meds, but that is all he would do. Malnourished and weak, I began to be unable to even breathe without difficulty so I went back to the emergency room. Tests showed my stomach was not distending (had ceased to function), one of my lungs was partially collapsed and both lungs were full of lesions. I was given antibiotics.
    So, with failing lungs and an inability to get nourishment, I was living on the streets with my two young children while it was still cold enough to have frost on our tent at night. That was when I began collapsing periodically with no warning. Eventually room at the Trinity shelter in Skowhegan was found.



 It was not long before I just could not get myself up and down the stairs to get meals for my children, bathe them any more or do our laundry. I called an ambulance and because I had no family to reliably care for my children, they had to go into foster care. Because my children were no longer living with me, I was no longer eligible for TANF or Mainecare. The first family my children were placed with had already planned to travel, so for the first month I was in the hospital my children did not see me once. DHHS reported to me that they had begun to exhibit concerning habits and behaviors, which was evidence to me that they were being traumatized in the household they were in.
    While my children were being traumatized out of my reach, I was bedridden in the hospital with a chest tube, a pic line, a g tube and a j tube (feeding tubes; one to the stomach and one to the intestines). I was in and out of consciousness. The doctors discovered my esophogus was not opening (a very rare condition called achalasia), I had several rare bacterial infections. My heart began to fail. My kidney function diminished. My veins were collapsing. I could not even move my legs from side to side. No matter what formula they tried to feed me through the tubes, my nutrician was getting no better, I was not gaining weight and unless the protein levels in my blood went up, I would not be able to survive the five hour surgery needed to open my esophogus.
     I was moved to a nursing home in Bangor, where treatment with antibiotics continued and different formulas tried. My children finally returned from the "family vacation" and were brought to visit me with bruising, scratches and complaints about the treatment they were receiving. The social workers heard all this and did nothing. Because the situation they were in was coming to a head, their escalating "concerning behavior" was blamed on their visits with me and thus me.
   Miraculously, one day my digestive system sparked back to life, my stomach began disdending and the protein levels in my blood began to go up. My children were emergency transferred into a new foster home when my son began to fight back and "his" behavioral issues became "more than what would be tolerated" by the foster parents. When I reached 100 lbs, the surgery was performed and I experienced great improvement as I began with an all liquid diet. My children were brought for more consistent visits. Their new foster home was a much better environment and all their behavioral issues disapeared. They had started kindergarten in the town in which they were living: Waterville. I received news that we had finally made it to the top of the section 8 list, but because I was in the nursing home, they had to give my voucher to someone else. Mercifully, instead of putting me back to the beggining of the process and thus at the end of the waiting list, they simply kept my name at the top.
     In October I was discharged from the nursing home because I could finally walk on my own and the limited medicaid coverage for someone in my financial circumstances would no longer pay for my stay. Having no where to go to continue recovery, it was back to the Trinity homeless shelter. The heat was not on yet there, so in the damp basement room, for single women, I developed a cough, further limiting my full recovery. Trinity is run on an all unpaid volunteer and private donation basis. They are neither trained nor equipped to completely care for those of us who really should still be in nursing homes, but with their big hearts and strong desire to serve, they overcome limited resources to make every possible effort to accomodate and care for us. Their loving support of families included making sure my children shared in Christmas, to my great relief and appreciation. They are all truly a blessing and absolutely heroic.
     At the end of November I was granted a section 8 voucher-I shook and cried as I showed shelter staff, I was so overcome with relief and gratitude and hope- DHHS has the same process for reunification whether there was abuse by parents involved or not and they simply do not return custody to parents in shelters......The possibility for me to make progress with increased visitation to get my children back had finally manifested with that voucher. However, I could not begin to look for a home yet: the voucher was for a one bedroom because I did not have custody of my children. It was not until the end of December that Maine State Housing got what they needed to up the voucher to the number of bedrooms we would need (they require a commitment from DHHS that I would have my children back in a certain amount of time, which was dependent upon my having a place with enough bedrooms, "catch-22"-couldn't get either without the other). I was told I had to find a place in Waterville because DHHS did not want the children to have to change schools; they had been through too many traumatic changes in a short period already. I agree.
   The Turmelles of Arcon Realty in Waterville were gracious enough to take a chance on renting to me despite my "weak application" for tenancy and I am so very grateful. I have to be on three antibiotics for 12 months. For the rest of my life I will be on what is called a "Soft Nissan" diet. I will have to sleep with my upper body elevated to prevent drowning in stomach fluids while I sleep because my esophogus now will not close (the muscles of the esophogus were all cut apart and remain seperate). Due to trying to force food through a closed espohogus for those years, the area in my throat above the esophogus is distended, catching food and causing occassional choking, so eating is an uncomfortable and slow process for me, often leaving me feeling weak. But, being in a well-maintained apartment where I can get plenty of rest is contributing to my over-all well-being. I am gaining weight, doc says miraculously my lungs sound like there was never anything wrong with them and my hair is growing back(lost it not only due to malnutrician but because I had to go under anestesia several times for the pic line, the g and then the j as well several attempts to treat the esophogus with botox injections before the referral for surgery).



      I still have no income as I was turned down for SSDI because they said I had not worked enough and now have to begin the application process for regular SSI. I cannot get TANF until we are 30 days from placement (we are just entering the unsupervised visit phase of the reunification process, which will be followed by overnights and then trial placement, approximately a 2 month process). I can't get an income for a household of three but we cannot become a household of three unless I can provide the housing, furnishings, and food to support us all during the visit stage of this process-another "catch-22", can't get either without the other. So, I could really use some help from local agencies and the community for the next two months.
     After two weeks of sleeping on the floor, someone gave me a broken futon I "bandaided"-so I am off the floor and general assistance helps with a few household neccessities but I do need many of those things they cannot help with:
First and foremost-
 prayers of praise to God for not just the miraculous physical healings I have experienced, or the miracle of a Spirit of peace, love, joy and hope only God could have provided through it all, but the smiles on the two brave, enduring faces of my children.