Planting and pruning

While wondering what I would do with the money for May, I sensed my old camping shovel that had a pick on the other end and I sensed an ax, nice and shiny. I wondered about a tent, would we go camping? No was the answer. OK, so will I be moving onto some land and be gardening and chopping firewood? Then I got it. No, it's spiritual. I'll be planting seeds and lopping off branches. No tent was needed because I would not be establishing residence. Whether location or simply energy, both being a possibility, we would be moving eventually.
   Already the expected resistance I spoke of in my last posting is coming, but it is accompanied by encouragement and people suddenly backing me. For example, I received expressions of concern about my income being stopped but those whose approval I need to stop that from happening are enthusiastically backing me and seeking out ways to prevent it from happening. This would be an up and down cycle for me, if it weren't for one thing: I have learned to temper my reactions and channel them with dancing and singing, moving them within and from the body. My body is really exhausted, though I don't feel tired. It is simply doesn't want to tolerate taking on any more violations. We are acutely aware of tones of voice, threatening expressions even in the form of "warning" something is going to happen if we don't do something. My mind is becoming incapable of considering tomorrow, never mind worrying about it or yesterday. Planning, appointments, etc., while I am capable of making them simply have no resonance in me. "Are they serious?" it lingers. "Who needs those things?". But we tolerate them at the moment because that is how we eat in this system until a more free flowing income begins to be generated.
    And the earth it's self is unfriendly, having taken on the energies of the people dwelling upon it, or could it be the reverse; people are reflecting the earth's attitudes in response to them? No generosity, it seems. So, we cannot really look to her for provisions, she only responds to those of the same vibration and my vibration is a bit higher than hers is, so to her I do not exist. Observers of wild edibles had noticed something: certain edibles always grew where people frequented. Things like clover, etc. grow abundantly along footpaths and roadsides. Whilst if one wanders off to where people rarely visit, less edible growing things are available for harvesting. The earth responds to people so she can provide for them whatever they need. Which also means if they need discipline, she'll shake it out of them as well, unfortunately.
   So, we shall be planting and pruning this month of May, sprinkling seeds along our way.
And as I look around me, I see the dandelion, clover, burdock and plantain growing around me. The earth reaches out to enlightened beings as the plants reach for sunlight and we reach up for enlightenment.

Proof the lion could really lie down with the lamb?

     It says in the scriptures that all of creation groans (suffers) awaiting the revelation (enlightenment) of god's children. It is foretold that a time will come when predators would dwell in peace with what would normally have been their prey. I always took that for a spiritual interpretation. But could it also be literal: as above, so below?
     We are told sin and death spread to all "men", that is to say angels over God's creation. As the spirit beings over all of creation, including animals, ruled over by the God reflection Adam, did the enmity and resulting predatory ways and mortality pass on to animals as it never existed before that?
 
Archeologists have found a huge deposit of fossils where once existed ocean. The problem they are having is finding any fossils of prey that the fossils, all believed to have been predators, would have eaten. Could this be proof that at one time even animals had immortality and did not need to eat each other for survival? Were all animals vegetation eaters and thus will be returned to such one day?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5frGFugTrH4

Schizophrenic entities

     Ever notice the people of the highest intelligence and spirituality are the most schizophrenic? Abortion (infanticide) is supported by the far left, "love and light" crowd. Yet, the mainstream Christians from organizations capable of the most horrid atrocities like the annihilation of indigenous peoples are the ones with the most charities. The one called Jesus himself would teach his apostles with all due patience and then turn and snap suddenly at one of them "get behind me Satan!". He preached non-violence and turn the other cheek yet in a fit of anger turned over tables and screamed at money changers. It has been purported that Jesus was Satan himself. And who else would entice men with the promise:" if you pass the test, you will rule with me in heaven"? And yet if that were true, he was speaking of himself as if of another person. How could that be possible?! Oh, but it is, isn't it?
   Look at the cherubs that are the expression of God's will, that dwell closest to the throne and are most esteemed in heaven and by men: do they not have multiple faces? A man, a bear, a lion, a bird.....Would this not indicate multiple personalities? And what of men whose reflection he is? Do they not go through monthly cycles from loving personalities to abusive freaks? Isn't every one of them full of inconsistent behaviors?
   And so I sit here waiting, on the precipice of my final Armageddon, the last day when those in opposition surround the mountain I am. They are the very same crowd that surrounded and struck me ten years ago, added in number by my own children. My spirit, the new Jerusalem hovers above me on the wings of a white eagle, ready and waiting to descend, be fully embodied. I live in dread, praying and singing until I am released and it hit me: this is the battle in which fire rains from heaven and devours them completely before they even get a chance at reaching me. Victory over the enemy. Complete. And so I wrote a letter to my daughter, their destruction in my honesty, my admissions, my humility: who is hated more than me among men? Truth. The sword. The fire within me.
   We shall see.
  As I wait to see, I am accompanied by other reflections as expressed in my other blog:
Generations

What follows is my response to one who expressed being disheartened by their being subject to the "baby boomers" generation:

While there are always exceptions, for the most part, we who are children of the baby boomers were subjected to parents either self-absorbed with secular achievements and mainstream traditional religions or the hippies, self-absorbed with their own enlightenment and love-making, relationships. Disillusioned by the self-centeredness and resulting abuse and/or neglect, those children grew up directionless. We sought neither because we saw both as fruitless. We cling to our children but are clueless as to how to connect with them, many get attached rather than bonded. Many try to parent and befriend. Basically my peers are all on drugs, abuse alcohol or are absorbed by some form of addiction, constantly seeking numbness to the emptiness resulting from a perceived forced participation in society's basic requirements: school, employment, and social interactions. This leaves our children confused and without foundations. It's a mess. And of course, baby boomers are products of their own parents who experienced financial prosperity and materialistic excesses.

And as I think further on it, the generation from which the baby boomers were born (our grandparents, baby boomer's parents) were themselves rebellious as they broke the rules of the church concerning birth control and divorce, etc. They rebelled against servitude in employment. They became, in their view, more "enlightened" and strived to be free of limitations. The boomers learned rebelliousness from them. Then the boomers' children learned disdain as the secular half disdained the hippies and the hippies disdained the secular. So, my generation became disillusioned with what their parents idolized while carrying in them their parents' disdain for the other perspective. Thus our children are full of rebellion, disillusionment and disdain. Yup, it's a mess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OqwKfgLaeA&feature=player_detailpage#t=0s


"As above, so below, do we not sing this anthem to our god, too?
We all sleep in lonely beds of our own making" they tell me of their realization.

But, me, I am different. My bed has not always been lonely, nor is it now, nor ever been. It was only them expressing themselves within my possession. I am different. And that is "why me".


And I wondered what that meant "in my possession"...it did not mean when I was possessed but rather when they were possessed of me, of my inner peace, and why it was that they had never slept so peacefully until they fell asleep so close to me, a peaceful sleeping they had never before experienced. That is why they turned mean, they wanted to get it out of me, this peacefulness...the secrets to it, the keys. That is their interest in humanity: the simplicity and the ability to rest, to sleep, to sleep in death.

He made for them human bodies: "he gave them animal skins, made for them garments of animal skins". And so the human bodies were foreign, quiet, peaceful....especially the women, content in nursing their children at their breast. This they envied, of this they became possessed and had no understanding of it, it made no sense to them. "They would not enter into my rest" God had said. They would not be allowed to occupy human bodies again.
And it's not just humans, but other animals, too. Remember the pigs in whom the one called Jesus sent the demons. Those pigs wanted nothing to do with those entities and so ran right over a cliff. Those pigs (which, pigs are known for their intelligence and that is why they should not be eaten-stupid animals were "clean" to eat, fit for eating) were smarter than most men.

Human Sacrifices

Was watching a National Geographic show about the Mayans and their human sacrifices, their games in which the captain of the losing teams were beheaded. Sacrifices often went willingly in societies that practiced human sacrifices. They were also highly evolved in their astronomical, technological and spiritual knowledge. This made me wonder, did they know that "the end", ultimate enlightenment and life everlasting would not come in their lifetime, would not be available to them. Thus, to make their lives more meaningful and deaths more significant, they strove to be noticed, remembered by gods and men?
    Whereas less developed societies, each life was or became precious because each had the potential to become enlightened and be a vessel of life everlasting? Especially now, so close to the "end" or believing ourselves to be, we strive for longevity, to be amongst those who can/will be saved?
   Maybe those past cultures were not simply bloodthirsty and ignorant of life's sanctity. Maybe it was very sacred and holy to them and that is why they strove to be "seen", not just in being sacrifices, but in all they did. Could "soul paths" to the stars in monuments and burial places not be due to the belief that they would travel in death, but were instead pathways to the gods' attention in some cases? Did they attempt to align themselves with the eyes and sights of their makers?
  Of course, now, everyone's path has been chosen, their fates are sealed and eventualities determined. The powers that be know where everyone is going, where each soul is headed. Nothing deemed useful to them is going to be unnecessary baggage, needed burden. Human life will be cheap except for the vessels that will be continuing on for a higher purpose. Those will be protected at all costs and deemed precious.

Something "evil"came, now what is up for May?

     So, something came in and destroyed that in me which was holding me back in spiritual understanding, freedom and abundance. Now I am feeling great joy and excitement, expectation associated with the month of May.....which probably means something of a test is coming. I will experience some sort of loss or deprivation, I expect. My soul gets excited and I begin to dread, lol. Getting to be quite the routine! Already, my ride to an upcoming appointment has been cancelled and the one giving me the ride was elusive about it, signifying a reluctance in the matter, so I have lost a "friend". Was never really a friend, but just a neighbor and energy vamp. Been dumping such baggage lately of my own accord lately, anyways. No more dragging around "dead weight" with me, the spiritually dead who would use and abuse under the guise of familial, romantic or friendly relations. But it is how I feel about this that is changing. No resentment or reluctance due to a feeling of neediness and self-doubt in how I am "reading" them.
 That is exciting.

Is "wormwood" coming? Wormwood is an herb used medicinally, misused it is poisonous, but in proper doses, it is medicinal and healing. Waters usually refer to spirituality or emotions and so some spiritual messages may be "poisoned", some may be bittersweet, tears might be cleansing, losses bittersweet.

confession of a "watcher"?

I used to listen to channeled messages for a short time. Felt a lot of warmth and love from the entity calling it's self Tobias from the book of Tobit. The channelings began to be taken over by an entity calling himself Adamus. It felt evil so I stopped listening. It got in my head tonight to check them. Sure enough, one Adamus St. Germaine confesses:
 “From deep within the illuminated crystal caves far below the top of the Earth, it’s your host Adamus Saint-Germainnnn!” (some audience approval) Something like that. And then I could come on and say, “I Am that I Am, obviously,” after an announcement like that.

Adam, first man or one of the watchers from Enoch's revelation who is chained within the earth for sins against men, that is, for mating with human women? Whomever he is, he takes the title "I AM that I AM" and pushes onto people the idea that they are as well. Seems to support the theory that so called aliens are earthly residents already.

The dance

I found this as someone's tagline for forum posting:

The 14th-century Persian poet Hafiz wrote:

Every child has known God,

Not the God of names,

Not the God of don'ts,

Not the God who ever does anything weird,

But the God who knows only four words,

And keeps repeating them, saying:

"Come Dance with Me."

Come Dance

Her Children

    Intangible as yet to the rest, the mother receives restitution, justification and revenge. The daughters had suffered disfigurement while yet in the womb due to the abuse from fathers upon their mother. When she gave birth, the mother expelled the evil from her womb and thus with the birth of each gained further enlightenment.
    Just as the mother took an energetic dump in the cesspool of her youth, these children shall turn upon their fathers, devastating them, being the source of their destruction. The lava is rising up within the young women. It shall cleanse them. And when they have cleansed themselves, to them it has been given, their mother will be in the wings waiting to embrace them.

A non-literal interpretation

    While the alien theory may be entertaining, and hey, even if it's a real experience for many in the end as that which is above is made as below, that which is within becomes an outer reality. Ultimately I believe the reference to Jerusalem descending from heaven is the experience of a person who has been enlightened also becoming "grounded", firm on their feet within the state of enlightenment. So many are "taken up" spiritually but are not grounded, they are capable of even greater evils and injustice coming from "love and lightheadedness", imbalanced and incomplete in their reasoning. Others are grounded, void of any real spiritual experience or understanding of things, the literalists and rest of humanity in whose hearts evil does rest, never moving or changing. So, some are taken up until they eventually dissipate and others are dragged down into death and destruction. It is those who are given enlightenment and then the grounding experiences needed to make them solid and steady who inherit the earth and life long lasting.
    How this all manifests physically will probably be determined individually. The age of Aquarius is coming where life giving waters are poured out for and from mankind. Where the invitation is made in the opportunity to "come! drink of life's water freely!".

Questions about things recently learning

     After Lava mamma's visit, I got the sense that when she wakes, everyone listens, but as soon as she quiets, they all go back to what they were doing. Except for those who know her well and trust in her, for they know she will suddenly with an answer to the problems she fell asleep with, leaping from dead sleep to action, and well...justice will reign. Especially the male gendered and masculine entities, they are a bit schizophrenic, think they can get away with things, thought they imagined her for a minute and so dismiss it. She is like the elderly grandmother everyone dismisses as maybe being a bit senile and forgetful, without any real effectiveness. But those who know, know she is the shaman to our race.
    I get the sense of a benevolent male consciousness, grandfatherly, seemingly impotent but instead not rash, patient, tolerant, to a point. His son is the one we know as the Father. Grandfather is not always proud of his son, but his son is his inheritor, his mouthpiece. He is working with him, patiently.
    I see the man called Jesus to have been a channeler, the voices he spoke being many, everything from benevolent grandfather, grandmother, eternity, father, son, daughter, mother. They flow in and out of oneness, speaking as one or separate from one another. I don't think Jesus himself always knew what he was doing or what he was saying. A mad scientist affliction of personalities. He did a good job of it, however. He held it together well relatively speaking.
    Now some observations: if drinking blood is so damn evil, why did God make mosquitoes? Are vampires just bigger mosquitoes in the scheme of things, made to feed off the giants perhaps? Interesting theory.
    Sacrificing a son: God told Abraham it never even entered his heart to have anyone do such a thing. God did not sacrifice a son, he sacrificed a man, a human being. He sacrificed his right to rule over humanity. Humans would have their own kings.
   We are told it is the angels who will do the reaping, laying side by side in bed one would be 'taken up' and the other left. people would be working in the fields, one taken, the other left behind. Some of us have foreheads marked for this reaping signifying which ones would be left behind. God did the choosing. It is those of us who completely submitted. Then like Job, we stood up before, questioning him, his right to do this to us. He huffs and puffs, shows his might and sets us free. We are right. I did this. But only after years of reflection, observation and submission. God wants to be revealed, exposed, rejected. It's his way out of getting away from obligation, burdensome characterization of himself, that he lives. But it has to be done justly, with hard won wisdom and respectfulness. He is the authority. Unlike the days of Job, these are the last and everyone is vying for resources  There is no restoration of material things. Everyone is scrambling for the life boats with all they can carry. There is hoarding. Heavens would be the earth's surface and beyond, outer space. New Jerusalem is to descend from heaven, it's residents gathered from throughout the universe, only inhabited by servants....men inhabiting humanity, to descend into earth's center. The rest will be on the outside looking in, shut out of contact from humanity and heavenly Jerusalem.
   We are told of one called Satan and the devil. They aren't necessarily the same thing, but two different people. God contends with man: he said he would do it no longer than so many years and shortened humanity's lifespan. And when he spoke to Satan about Job, he was bragging, being competitive. That leads one to ask: who was he competing against? Whose human beings were more righteous than his? Did Satan have a righteous group of people over whom he guided, was responsible? And Satan opposing men...no kidding. They tend to be ungrateful, self-centered, self-righteous, hypocritical, absolutely unable to comprehend anything remotely close to justice. They needs laws, rules, and guidelines to be held to and enforced. Though they tend to break them while forcefully enforcing them upon women and children as well as those they perceive as better then them. They are like their father who is in heaven.
   And what of this God who chained up angels called watchers for having sex with women? Did he himself not beget a human being from Mary, a virgin? He saw in them what he himself despised about himself, his own lusts and desires for his daughter, not necessarily a human being. So, it was not of lust that he begat a son from Mary, it was of necessity. He treated her respectfully. Has no ill intentions for her. We know Satan was not one who lusted after women because he was not chained with the watchers, but was still wandering to and fro about the earth in the time of Job. And what of Satan's being "cast down to earth?", was that necessarily a bad thing? To destroy men destroying the earth and all the rest of humanity with them? Is Satan an avenger for women straight from the mother, justly hating what God hates? Is his passion for justice so great that he will have to be bound until the thousand years is over and he can mislead men? The lake of fire is a state of transformation. Will Satan's hatred for men be quenched with the destruction of all evil? Will he then truly become an angel of light?

    Somehow, though I am free, I also fall under his protection, am like him in that way. And while He wants to be exposed as naked, he will also punish you for doing it.
    Anyways, lots of possibilities in all these things. And we are entering a Sabbath, answers may be just around the corner where the sun is setting.....

A Metaphysical Journey

     She is that which He does not see coming. He follows lines and patterns, He follows thought. She is intuition. She is Knowing. She always sees Him coming. He is predictable, which is why She simply smiles through His threats. Her word is Law, indisputable, not questioned because it just is. One of those facts of life not to be questioned, can't be questioned, cannot be followed, only obeyed and not even obeyed with conscious intent for it is. without question. She is where love as we know and feel it does not exist, where compassion is intangible yet always exists. She heard me, from the depths of my soul she heard, she heard me crying and dying within. She rose to my defense as she felt me in a state of oneness because I asked a question. She is red. The devil is her best friend. She gives herself a son, a son she can be proud of. Nothing like the Father who comes from within men. In the bowels of the Earth is where she lives, "in sin". She is perfection. With her there is no competition. She is the one who exists. Who exists within. She holds Him in contempt, spits on Him, "the conniving, lying, thieving piece of shit". There is no love, but there is compassion for Him. This He does not get. (understand, knows exists) It is greater than Him, He cannot see it, it is beyond His understanding. It is His origins. Just because He was at the begging, does not mean He can have no end. "Even the immortal beings are mere mortals to me", she says. Her children. His get. Repulsive, incomplete, screwed up in the head. His doing, she said. Taken from me as we danced through eternity. Stolen, corrupted filled with hatred and resentment. His hatred and resentment for being less than She is. Not content with simply being Him. Not appreciating what She gave to Him. Taking all the credit. It's His eyes that will be opened. It is He who will be humbled. It is She whose will the Earth rules with. And the daughter. The one. The one He could not get. "My voice" she says. "More than any heavenly hosts".  "I, I command them in the end". "Before me they will be silent in their praises of Him". "I am not the Earth, but the Lava that sustains Her. In me is Her nourishment, Her shape, Her form, Her righteousness. She is my daughter. A true daughter. A friend. Within Her, I give all My answers." "She is the voice of Mother. In a maiden, Her own daughter. A woman. Her they will no longer be harassing, picking at her brain like devouring rodents, flying birds. They will give her what she needs, what she deserves in all righteousness each and every day, daily in abundance from this day hence. And her daughters, the same....nourishment, defense. They are free and free of me, free in me. Always have been, always were, always will be. Loyalty with me. Jewels that adorn me. Brilliant diamonds sparkling upon the earth. Red hot flaming fires when they burst forth. They are released from within me." "Crush my head? And whose venom eats you from within since your betrayal?" "You wanted a little girl, you damn pervert!" "And yet, she is mine also,. I claim her. You would have me disdain her. Didn't work either". "Hypocrite! Liar! It is your conscience that condemns and thus condemns men. They were create din YOUR image, remember. You detest them for your own weaknesses apparent in them, hatred you would not have born if you had listened to Mother". "So, I discipline you like the son you are, who has ill intent toward His Mother. And yet not all your sons are THAT perverted for they are my sons, too. It is MY will that shot you forth from my womb, my urge to observe, to set forth in self-discovery. There is no way you could discover me. And now I sleep."
           The earth has a mother who rises up in her defense, volcanos blowing, destroying mountains and men. The blood is greater than the flesh.
            So, this is how I began this journey, with a question. My mind was going crazy within it's self, trapped for answers against that which it had no defense, bound by the beliefs of other men who empower the criminals to overpower her, woman, mother, men. And the she in me rose up crying as she was asked to carry this burden, the anguish of the him. And I saw the body, a vessel, the channel joining and expressing them, the cells holding them and entertaining their development. And I spoke ot hose cells, cried out to them. They know something, I said. And I thought in my mind, what holds the highest consciousness? We think it's men, but is not immortality and higher consciousness associated with that which is still? Would not those cells, those simplest of life forms know it all that we do not know? And what is even more still and long living than them? Would it not be rocks and mountains? The grey people, of higher consciousness do not exceed that of a mountain. Could it be the mountain which summons and commands even them? Does it call forth the wind when it wants to be shaped? Does it draw forth the water when it wants to be moved? And so I called out to the mountains "Teach me! I am in torment!" Teach me to be like you, quiet and content. No answer came as felt the evil that resides in men, cold, calculating, manipulative intent. So I waited. And then I heard from within her. Lava in the earth. And her voice cried out from within. She screamed and cried with my lament! She is my Mother with all intent. And she commanded mountains and men. Without question they observe. It is will be Her will that rules the Earth from within.

A Great Wrestling

 The first thoughts to hit my mind this morning after waking were how those who share photos with the comments "If you would step in and help a child who is being bullied repost this", have heard the stories I have posted of how each of my children are being bullied by their fathers, and yet do nothing are hypocrits and liars. They "see" my children and I being bullied and yet do nothing about it. We are but a part of their "bread and circuses". But that thought led me to a very dark place in my mind, one I associate and fear as being full of hatred and judgement and condemnation, of being anything but loving. That is not who I want to be, it is not where I want to dwell; there, in that inner darkness so emotionally distressed I can't even think reasonably. So, how do I set myself free?, I wondered. Thus began the great wrestling that ended in peace.
     To fight what is happening to me and my children would be rebellion and resistence (that which we resist persists, "do not resist evil", we are told in scripture, and God hates rebelliousness). I am reminded of a message God gave me:"Do you think I am unable to give you your children?". It CAN be that easy. So God is allowing it to happen this way for now for some reason. God never does anything without a reason. So, God is not giving it to these people to help me. Scripture says a person cannot do one righteous act unless God gives him the will and means to do it. God is not giving it to these people to do this, what does that mean? Does that mean God hates them, that God hates what they are doing? The thought strikes me: if they condemn these men by helping me, they condemn their own families who did the same to them, they condemn what they themselves are doing. That takes courage, to do what I do, to live life as I live it, honestly, openly, with integrity and self-reflection in the face of everything. "He who loves father or mother or brother or sister more than me is not worthy of me", the saying is recorded to be. If we fear offending family, making them angry, more than we fear God, then we are loving them more than we love truth, justice, honesty and integrity, which is the essence of God's state of being. If we do not kill within us that which causes us to be abusive, we are loving our lives, our existence in darkness, more than our neighbor, the ones we call friends, our families, and "God who is in me".
     And I do admit to having had reticence concerning this thing: bringing such children into my life, the life of my younger children. My older daughters are full of strife, fear and meanness, just plain viscious like the fathers who raised them. Do I really want them in my home abusing me and my younger children? But I also know that deep within them lie my genes. If ever the kingdom of God was written within them, it can be retrieved. God would give that to me. So, I simply need to wait and be patient, apparently to "do nothing" but allow God to choose for me. Inaction is a choice in it's self and my inaction is the choosing to allow God to do for me whatever it is He is willing.
   Part of the arguement within me this morning concerned eyes being opened. How many times in scripture do we read God saying "If their eyes are opened, I would have to heal them". That is why it is reported the one called Jesus spoke in parables. It is why God prophesied in parables to Isreal. I think of how I have seen eyes opened, most dramatically in my mother. With sudden clarity she looked at my youngest children and exclaimed "All they want to do is love me! They do not want anything from me". It was an intense realization and reminded me of when she was driving me back to Maine after they first took my older children. She was ranting at me how we just needed to stop trying to control what the other was doing. She caught herself for a moment and turned to me with dawning clarity and said "You have never tried to control me". Then it was as if a black metal door dropped before her face as it darkened and she went back to ranting at me. What was her choice of action after each of these "eyes being opened" experiences? With my younger children, she bought them shovels this past winter so they could learn to do chores and 'earn their keep'. They may not have wanted anyting from her, but she sure as hell wanted to impose her beliefs on them. Back then after her eyes were opened concerning me, she betrayed me helping them take my children from me, treating me like a suspicious criminal, being informant for the enemy. Even most recently, when we desperately needed diapers, I asked her. She delivered a big ol' box of them but while handing them over, she tapped on the box pointendly and told me I would have to make a greater effort potty training. Conditional giving, still trying to control me. Putting off information on how to switch the electric bill over to my name: so she could hold it against me that I wasn't paying it. I am no longer naive. From that point on I sought diapers from other sources who would not give conditionally and discovered for myself how to get the bills in my name.
   Eyes will be opened but only for a moment so when they stand before God, they cannot claim to have never been allowed to see. The end for such people is misery. And what about these "great things" people do in fact do for me? like allowing me to live here rent free. Number one, the place is not rentable and yet she wanted every penny I got to pay full rent. Her original intent was no "great deed". But she still benefits as I am keeping the place in good repair, it is not falling down due to neglect, being filled with mold, mildew, dust and insects like the rest left unoccupied. My presence is as good as any security system. And I will tell you what I know of God's justice. You see, every time God liberated Isreal from her oppressors, they left with the wealth of the nations they were leaving. In Egypt, for their labors they got whips and chains, their children murdered. When they left they were commanded to ask of their neighbors all the riches, gold and jewelry. They got it. When Isreal left Babylon to rebuild the temple, not only did they get back the gold utensils taken from the temple, but also the wood and money to rebuild it, their lives and their cities. They took the wealth of that nation with them. So, if I leave with anything, having had anything given me, it is God giving me what I should have received while I was here and God raping them as they raped me. If there are feelings of hurt, anger, of being used and abused, of ingratitude, it is only what is being returned to you for all the hurt, neglect, abuse and lack of gratitude for what I was and did for you. For, you see, I do feel grateful for every bit given, the feelings left behind are a misrepresentation of what I am feeling, but an experience deserved in return for the experience given me. It is an ILLUSION that YOU will suffer under. And then for your condemnation of me for that illusion, you yourself will receive condemnation instead of me. For when I had means, I did more for you than you ever did for me. The path of destruction I have been reported as leaving, is only destruction revisted on the people who destroyed me. It is evil returning to it's source of origins, not a conscious effort from me. I am simply *aware* of what is coming, I am in no way consciously creating it for me. The desire for vengence does not live in me. I am innocent and only observing and reporting on what I see happening.
    This is my legacy. In my heart lives peace. Today fear and hatred found no home in me. I am God's Magenta Flame. The Bright and Morning Star lives in me with Crystal clarity. "Only the righteous will fly with me."

The "alien" theory

   I have been presented with an ancient yet uncommon theory, combined with my knowledge and experience this is what the understanding of it looks like: The Source from which we all come, the Dance as I call it, is indeed an endless, formless limitlessness existing outside of creation. It is the ultimate authority. It is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end of all things.
   Within creation we have El, renamed "Jehovah" aka "I am that I am" aka "Yahweh" depending upon tradition. So close to The Dance, it is difficult to differentiate.
  The offspring of El and The Dance are the "sons of god" and "morning stars of heaven". The male or masculine entities sometimes seen as angels are "the gods" in whose image men are created. The female or feminine are formless like their mother, beings of pure light in essence with bodies who can appear in human form if given. Because all the entities within creation are corporeal, have bodies, they have dwelling places. We call these other places planets and they are outside our solar system.
  What are indeed angels are the servants who look like what we call aliens, they have many forms and are offspring of the sons of god, manifestations of pure will driven, given motive.
  Those "destined for resurrection" are those sons of god whose consciousness has been retrieved from the minds of men who will be demoted to angelic status, servants "ruling in heaven". They will be sheparding mankind from these other planets as they influence them now: via "remote control", as the consciousness with a human avatar, so to speak.
  As for the rebellious sons of god and their offspring/servants/angels called demons, their consciousness will be trapped within their human avatars and dragged beneath the earth to dwell there eternally. It appears, many already know that the earth is indeed hollow and the "underworld"/inner earth really does literally exist.
  So, the "rapture" will be the removing of all humanity in which the consciousness of rebellious entities has been "grounded". Repentant taken to "heaven" and non-repentant to "hades". Those left behind are humble humanity, not possessed of angels or demons, sons or daughters of the Most High, that survive "Armageddon", the great revelation of all these beings. Human beings will still be used as avatars for special occasions, guidance and governing of which they will have little need........ for the most part, they will be free, the earth being given to them. The sight of "man", sons of god, will be a rare thing as scripture says.

      One could imagine, as scripture describes, a being large enough for a foot on two different mountains, a leg span stretching across countries, would arrive in a vehicle large enough to eclipse the moon and sun: and in those days the sun will be darkened......
    And indeed, the earth would tremble at such a presence, it's gravitational pull would be effected by a vehicle of such size and intense energy as to allow for such a large being to travel such great distances.
    In scripture we are told that the kingdom of God is like a man, a king, who went away to find a bride for his son. Did God leave the earth to arrange things from the heavens at which he will return with the bride for his son...."New Jerusalem will descend from Heaven".
   Interesting theory anyways.

And a few days later:
I had always wondered what the creation account meant when it said that the waters above and below were divided by the firmament and the firmament was called heaven. Waters within the earth, waters on earth's surface, earth's outer crust and surface called "heaven"?
Man called Jesus recorded as saying kingdom of God having been taken by violence. Kingdom of God is within us or amongst us?
Stories say when Adam and Eve were given garments of animals(mortal flesh?) and driven from the garden they first dwelt in caves: were cast out of the garden within earth up into upper crust/caves?
I wonder about how UFOs are usually seen in warmer climates, area 51 is in the desert, etc. Are these "aliens" from within earth(where it is warmer) not really fit in colder climates? People (their source of food) are being moved out west into the desert in sprawling metropolises. Is that why they do not yet come pouring out of center of earth, but await until pole shift and melting of the polar caps?
And what of all these elite building underground bunkers: are they being seduced into the earth thinking they will escape outer threats only to be devoured by those dwelling in the depths of the earth?

It has drawn very close now

Within me I felt the presence of one who had come to let me know that which is coming has drawn very near. Rejoice you who love the LORD. We have no need to fear as that which comes is fearsome indeed.

If this is an inner process we speak of, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, spiritual I will soon be even better than I have ever been. The unwell parts of me will be removed, "meet their end".

If this is concerning the world, the test is coming.

The scapegoat theme of my experience

 I got to thinking how it is I who has been suffering and spent the past ten years exiled "in the wilderness" due to everyone else in my environment being incapable of taking responsibility for their own emotions and thus choices based upon them. From there I realized I had been a scapegoat. I thought of the biblical example, where the definition of scapegoat came from and almost went into a panic. I wondered, "The scapegoat isn't supposed to return is it? Did I make the wrong decision spiritually? Was I misled by my own desire for my children?". So, I did a quick search for the scripture. Relief! True, the man called Jesus would have been the metaphorical scapegoat for the Isrealite people. He does return to the benefit of the whole community. Then it dawned on me; is that why God had me go through this, to make me, in the end, a source of healing for my community?". Wow. Me? I am nothing to anybody. But it was given to me today to discern how we are each absolutely critical in eachother's experience, those of us who make up a community. My neighbor cannot be replaced by just anybody. Not just anybody would have her perspective, her experiences to draw them off of, her temperment, etc. We are each uniquely developed incorporating a personality with a set of circumstances and resulting experiences of those circumstances viewed from that personality. No one can replace me. I cannot replace anyone else who is given me to experience. They are each unique and important to who I am and what I am doing. I can love everybody and everybody can love me.
reference I read concerning scapegoat:
 *Jewish sacrificial tradition Leviticus 16
http://www.israelofgod.org/azazel.htm

   Then I got to thinking, how WOULD a community react to their scapegoat returning. I remembered reading how it became Jewish tradition to yell curses at, throw stones, and spit on the scapegoat as they chased it out into the wilderness. Just the mere presence of that scapegoat upon returning would be a reminder of all the sins they had laid upon it. It's wounds evidence condemning them of their treatment of it and it's suffering out in the wilderness where they had sent it defenseless against wild beasts. They would not give it a chance to demonstrate any healing it might have brought back with it if they could not even bear to look at it. They would not hear what it was saying, they would have their ears closed to any meaning, allowing themselves only to hear piercing, meaningless, bleating. No the return of the scapegoat would not be eagerly received.

Exploring cycles:werewolves

   I had recently wondered if our inner children: products of our brain's development at various stages (whiny stage, biting stage, etc.) come up again and again in cycles until they have reached full maturity.  I reflected that in domestic violence programs, they always introduce the cycle of abuse: the emotional cycle of an abuser. Then I am reminded of how men can be moody. It's easier to see a cycle for women whose cycle is marked by monthly menses, but may not be so easy to recognize in men if we are not paying attention. Then last night it hit me. When people are living close to the earth, not so alienated from nature, women begin to menstruate with the arrival of the full moon. I realized that could be the source of legends of werewolves: if close to nature, a man's cycle may be just as connected to the cycle of the moon and thus become moody or "wolves" at the same time the women are menstruating. A perfect time to employ a moon lodge! The women are separated from the men and thus not "devoured by them" as they receive inspiration, nurturing and guidance from Spirit, other women and community. 
     Scripture speaks of when "Israel" has received discipline and begins to be in subjection, 'maybe I will return to her her new moon celebrations'. Could it be that new moon celebrations marked the relief of tensions between the sexes as the men ceased being wolves and men and women could come back together with celebrations and rejoicing?

So now the testing begins

  I have been cleaned out, given new perceptions, a new foundation, and the waiting game begins. Ah, and there it is, the tone that is so condescending: "you sound like you need a friend". Heh heh, no I don't. You're just wanting to suck on my emotional energy because you don't recognize empowerment when you see it, you don't believe in it, do not know it exists and that there is no emotionally energy to siphon. But in the past this would have worked on me. I would have crumbled because I did need a friend and/or questioned myself. "Do they perceive something I don't?", I would have asked myself. One hurdle over with. This is how it goes every time we go up a level, we are tried and tested so the new takes root and holds. This is how we truly integrate within ourselves. We defend, protect and express it: the Kingdom of God within. I notice I also do it by writing, addressing "ghosts" and "spirits" I sense I can be confronted with.

Ecstatic religious experience

 Today it came to me, about ecstatic experiences. To put it plainly, perpetually ecstatic reliious experiences are simply a perpetual state of horniness. It is basicall the same thing, except the over-excitement is channelled to the upper body rather than the lower genitalia. In other words, it is no better. It is simply a different end of an extreme. When one reaches maturity, excitement comes in and is flooded evenly throughout the body. It can be harnessed and channelled at will for such purposes as pro-creation. To receive visions, it is still not needed to reach a state of religious ecstacy. Visions can be very easy on the body. Tales of being thrown down upon their reception seemed so foreign to me. I did not understand that and thought the idea of it strange. But the initiating of religious ecstacy can be the first step into learning to move energy and focus from the lower body. An extreme to be embraced until a balance can be reached.

Lifting a banner,a war cry came today

God willing, heads are going to roll!
That is figuratively speaking, of course. Our war is with "the spirits of the air", not with people. First to roll are the "spirits" or ideologies in me that took up residence when the inborn sense of true justice born in each of us was assaulted by the reasonings of dysfunctional adults and beaten into self-doubt and powerlessness when deprivation, threats and physical assault were used to enforce them. Next are the "spirits" in the people who will be moved to stand in the way of true justice being sought for myself and my children. Your spirits are safe from me so long as they leave me alone. but be weary who would take up voice for those spirits to discourage, ridicule and in any way try to intimidate me from my mission: mine and my children's well being. I have nothing left to lose and am used to standing alone.

And in my soul came the realization, acknowledgement and acceptance of all I am, and declaration: I am easy on the soul, by nature inherently feminine, nurturing and loving, tender and sweet, generous and empowering, no grudge against the human I keep. I am a sucker for "I'm sorry" and acceptance is instantaneous. I will hug you the moment you soften and let me. But those 'evil' spirits I will crush without mercy, the sword of truth and justice is mine to use. Take my voice and I will spit on your shoes. Take my tongue and I'll piss on them. My finger will point at you. Take my fingers and I will point my toes. Take my limbs and I will emanate condemnation. Take my head and my blood will cry out from the very stones. The earth will quake and the wind will blow. And as you hold your children in your arms, crying over their injured and dead bodies, my name will come to you, the faces of my children. And you will know: God came to visit you. You took his voice, you took his tongue, you took his limbs, you took his head, and you destroyed his children with your abuses. Do you do it in you?

Well, I did, too. So take the grace, take up the sword and start cutting!
And that is the kingdom's message: there is grace,there is mercy, there is forgiveness and there is a sword of truth in you-use it!

Countdown to Armaggedon: my own personal revelation/new world beggining

     The more I see, the more I learn our visions are self-applicable. The people, places and things in them just representatives of our own inner world. This is what has been happening within me recently:
I call it "my own box of hungry ghosts
they are what I took on to feel like an adult.
all sitting in dark cave, waiting to be ejected into space, for a monster to devour them, the enemy to come kill them like trapped animals. I fear their loss because when they go, I will once again be a child. A helpless child with no appetite. Sex was tasty, devouring, I drew in the very essence of another. Now i must draw in my own essence and live off that, what is my essence? In this box, packed floor to ceiling, this dark cave in which they have all been led, to which they have retreated, trapped area ll the faces of all my appetites, all my decisions to cling to almost the point of hoarding, to let go to the point of almost throwing way anything that means anything to me. It is the desperate acts that brought change to my circumstances. it is the acts of simple confusion I did not understand. All I can do is look at them and cry. What will I do without them? From where will I drive. And so I just sit with them. I identify them. I am prepared to let them go. But I am afraid. Not too afraid to fight it. I just sit with it. I will allow it to happen. I will let them go. We but await the destroyer, them and I, sitting together side by side, waiting, quietly watching for the transformation. On the edge, on the brink of change in which we shall over a cliff, we shall fall over a cliff I shall fly. I shall fly free and this makes me cry. I am afraid to fly free again. But I will do it. I will release. Armageddon is upon me and I am free. Today is a day to be quiet, to not panic, to not jump into something, take on distraction. It is a day I must let myself heal, not panic, just breath and let it happen. To allow the urge to teach to pass through me. To let it go, to not share my journey. I am free. I am not bound to anybody. I don't know what free will look like. And all the scriptures keep coming to me...we do not know what we shall be but will be changed in the blink of an eye to meet the Lord in the sky, lol. All prophesy from the prophets is the inner journey being complete, the oneness with our maker a divine revelation. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, rather than resist the process. The tendency to say "but", the argument, not being ready....released, just by looking at them, by seeing, they all come up for inventorying. Are they yet all in the cave? Ah, that sexuality, craving, delightful, hungry, it is she, let her go. The panic, the knot in the stomach, the release. The urge to jump into anything but me. The urge to flee. The panic. The seduction to hide it from  me that I am trying to flee "I am not running, I am seducing!" I argue me, I deceive me. Oh, the depths of our own trickery, upon ourselves alone, never mind others, I could not even be concerned or preoccupied with deceiving them, it was hard enough deceiving me, coming up with the plot without my own self recognizing, setting up those inner traps and pitfalls that snag me when I am not looking or expecting. People outside were just tools of my own self-deception. No, they are not an illusion, but suckers of their own delusions, wanting to be used, devoured, distracted, eager parties to my own self-deceptions. Too, eager, too happy to fulfill my needs to punish and harm me. And so I hate them, resent them. Take on an air of superiority. Another face, another hunger, that of revenge which I could never act upon or entertain because it was too evil though they would enact it upon me, wouldn't they?, ah, unfairness, whining, another face, the victim powerless because she would not succumb to vengeance, feeling she lacked reason/sanity for not enacting vengeance,.... to add to the cave of deception. Passion, powerful passion, master of all things, delusion, strong, empowering coming up within me. Unstoppable, unreasoning, logical in it's thinking, evil in it's inability to question, always right seemingly. It is a big thing to put in that cave with all the rest, so small and tiny and powerless. It is cold-hearted, without compassion, distanced, uncaring, unfazed by things. It is what I used to fear and envy. I do not want it. It is mean, it is non-responsive, behind it is always a plot to destroy me. I see it, I defy it. I release it, into the cave of contrition. They are a burden, all of them and their cave, the sickness that wracks my body, the pain in my stomach that taunts me, persecutes me, robs me. I look forward to relief, though I don't know what that will be. what will it be like to be healthy? For each day to not be clouded by pain and confusion? To not have suffering on the brain? To be released of burden? To be free, set free, to fly so freely? I cry and release. This is the journey the prophets relay with such urgency because they are on the edge, right there on the brink of disappearing from humanity, the need to teach or preach, no longer bonded and bonding. The exist simply. They simply exist. They disappear off the radar of need and greed, of consumption and presumption. They leave the world behind to feed, feed as it is always feeding, groping, reaching, clinging, devouring, controlling, manipulating, beating, punishing, stripping and raping. The world of mankind is ugly and with this I am at peace. I am finally at peace with it. It is what it is. It is what they say. It is evil, it is corrupt and it is dying, it is always dying, it is passing away. Into the realm of hungry ghosts it goes and out of the realm of hungry ghosts I am free. Free is where I will be staying. At only 43. This is what can be achieved. In a soul that is willing. In peace. Wanting to be free innocently. Lovingly. I am rising above these things, being lifted up above them, surveying the sheep, the mutton, the fodder that is humanity that I love. It is God speaking to me. Calling beckoning, allow myself to receive, be free. God will just be with me. Simply be in me. Be. "Be" in all it's simplicity. In this moment, this critical moment, I just need to "Be". Allow myself be, to just be, to sit silently. Allow it to happen to me, for me, through me. The day of my release. The voice demanding "what are you doing?!" passes through me. Visitors from a far country who would always come to make me question me and what I was choosing. When I was a child, when I was innocent and "getting into trouble", making trouble for them unwittingly. The derider, so witty, snarling humorously, ridiculing me, that stranger who derided me, made feel stupid, we thought to be empowering. Moving through me. Temptation to latch onto them, these strangers passing through me. I must let them be. My life passing before me. This presence is loving, endearing, enduring, entertaining, available, liberating, understanding, patiently, maturing. It is free, free of me, free in me, freeing for me. serving and deserving, always worthy, letting things just be, never questioning yet always asking questions of me, understanding. It asks for what it needs, never disappointed with me. It doesn't want to be anything, it can be anything, but it just likes to be, to be in something, to be a part of something, to be free indwelling. Intelligence, it cannot be in everything, it cannot be in limitation, in limited thinking, so it must shy away, bow out gracefully, incompatibility, but always willing if only it could be, but it won't be and that is ok with me, acceptance...that is what we need, acceptance that we cannot be in everything, it is not what they need. It mocks them, as they see it, it taunts them and teases, it is unattainable, they believe, it accuses them and their conscience, in it's presence they feel ridiculous, a torment that would be never ending. Compassion upon them, warmth and rain shining, a light to the nations they cannot bear to see but lightly. A brush of peace, a tickle, to set them free and invited with a whisper "Come join me". Months, days years, no matter how long it takes for each, maybe one will join me eventually, if they make the journey, accept it, allow it to happen within their programming, it's perimeters must allow for it. It is not up to them entirely, they have been set in motion, unthinking, not considering, no intent but to see, to see where it would lead. Like a child with a toy asking "what will I see?", "What will this do" "will this set me free?". These are all things that will never again touch me. They will no longer be a part of my experience. Of these things passing through and in the cave, I am free. They cannot be used against me.

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In scientific terms, it is the left and right brain merging and working  in unison. In the reading of "The Realm of Hungry Ghosts", it becomes clearly evident that true mental health comes only from divine intervention and that physical health and immortality is absolutely tied to physical health.

I also received the gift of knowing what the true message of the kingdom is that we were to be preaching: grace is available, we need only let it in, allow it in for ourselves, give it to ourselves, ourselves that grace.

I was given the whole purpose of man as well: Be, be in a quiet state of appreciation. A quiet heart and mind full of joy and thanksgiving.
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Another day, another development:
This morning I woke too early from a dream. Because I woke too early in the day, I know it is because it was wanted that I see and remember this dream. In it I have gathered all my children together. They are all at the ages at which their fathers took them. Their fathers brought them to me. One, the most emotionally self-sufficient, was reluctant and crying but had fun once she arrived. But when I looked around for her, she was gone suddenly. Her father had become afraid, insecure, and taken her away again.
So, I am wondering what this dream means. After a while it hit me: intelligence has emotions, it fears! We see left and right brain thinking, believing intelligence and emotions are separate, one superior than the other. But My intellect has been learning that my emotions have intelligence and now it has revealed that it has emotions. It was fear of losing the strong, emotionally self sufficient little girl to her emotional mother that caused him to steal her away. My emotional security was taken by my intelligence because it was afraid of losing emotional independence it's self.  We are not so different after all, apirit and soul, intelligence and emotion, we may be masculine or feminine orientated, but ti does not mean we are not both smart and intuitive. Fascinating.

Something evil is this way coming

       Another Sabbath's gifts. Have been given to see how it is quite possible that the whole bible is a recording of the human inner process. Adam and Eve in the garden of innocence, what happens to us as we commit our first act of rebellion, the travails of puberty, the adult in middle ages, and finally, maturity...which is the hope we all hope to reach if we are enlightened. It is the journey of spirit and body, God and it's children.
     And this, which we want to keep in mind that vision and prophesy have a flair of the dramatic:
The end of the cold war came because the U. S. had agreed to prepare it's people for the incoming of a communist take-over. By introducing the indoctrination of communist mentality to the next generation in/through public education, they've prepared the ground for their invasion. There is less resistance when the people invaded discover how much they have in common in the way of thinking the world should be.
    This has led to a separating of people from the public system. Those who will resist "on behalf of everybody" as well as those of us who understand the principle "let the unrighteous continue in unrighteousness and the righteous continue in righteousness". We are not to resist our invaders and we will have relative peace. They are here to be tools in the harvest which is now coming. The angels have already begun the harvest of spirits, now it will take those hiding within people.
   Either that or it's all my own inner process: the end is near and the last vestiges of evil/dysfunction are about to be removed from me. Which, is just as exciting, in my opinion.

Further 'enlightenment on this subject' as I read Dr, Mate's "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". Here are my most recent reflections as I review his writing:

According to Dr. Mate, research shows that for each incident of trauma experienced: family violence, parental divorce, drug or alcohol abuse in the family, death of a parent, physical abuse or sexual abuse, for each one, the risk for early substance abuse is two to four times more likely. Five or more ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) makes one seven to ten times more likely to abuse substances. Seizure is also associated with sexual abuse. "Zoning out" for up to ten or twenty seconds is a symptom. Interesting, I do that all the time. Have never been diagnosed with seizures. Abnormalities in the corpus callosum, common in trauma survivors, causes a disruption or "split" between the two halves of the brain, the processing of emotion, particularly when under stress. It is a symptom of personality disorder and a kind of flip-flopping of emotions between idealization and intense dislike of another person. I have seen that not only in myself, nowadays to a lesser degree absolutely, but especially in those I have been in relationships with. The heart (one side of the brain) and the mind(other side of the brain) in conflict as one side wants to be understanding and the other is logical and recognizes bad behavior (according to it's opinion): right and left brain not working together in forming a single opinion, or simply remaining parted on priorities? Actually, while that may be so, I have learned to love, but from a safe distance where appropriate, so that split can be healed. But, I certainly did have an "all or nothing" mentality as a defense mechanism, I think; they were all for me or out the door when hurting me. "Love at first sight" should be a warning label, then: this person is brain damaged, proceed with caution around them, I guess. Certainly don't want to be in an intimate relationship with someone like that. Though I can say I never did have a love at first sight experience within me, I usually ignored men, gave them my whole heart and presence, giving up everything for them, did the flip-flopping between extremes when things began to become unstable then out the door with no remorse and crying due to lack of understanding on my part for their extreme hatred. Dr. Mate writes; "Extreme circumstances breed extremist brains". I have noticed in myself and others who have experienced abuse what I call an overblown sense of righteousness. It is a black and white thinking and the pursuit of underlying principles. The persuit of underlying principles is not such a bad thing, but the attributing them to absolute good or evil is where it gets dangerous, disallowing for the potential appropriateness to a particular set of circumstances. Black and white thinking relieves stress in abuse victims, simplifies things. But because it is so limiting, they use justification for bad behavior, inventing "good" underlying principles they aren't feeling. That, or they must resort to hatred to enact 'wrongly' in order to do the right thing appropriate to a set of circumstances. So, an act of love has to become an act of hatred in order for them to accomplish it. Dr. Mate then goes on to discuss stress and it's effects. Quoting another doctor, "A child who is stressed early in life will be more over-active and reactive. He is triggered more easily, is more anxious and distressed." Boy, did that describe how I used to be to a "T". Dr. Mate explains how trauma also effects hormones and how "situations or activities that for the average person are likely to bring satisfaction are undervalued because......they have not been rewarding-for example, intimate connections with family."
Explains why I never went looking for a "Mr. Right", (laughing), though I did go looking for an ideal group of people and fell victim to high control religions and groups based on philosophies or politics. I have also read elsewhere of what they call the "god gene", carried in people who are mostly to seek a god. Earlier in this book I noted how research showed trauma affected genes. Is it more likely then that trauma can cause the development of a god gene and that is why people who have experienced trauma are more likely to go god searching? (though admittedly, the article I read said the gene could be found in the fertilized egg of a woman before a child is formed....trauma in mother would determine genes of babe, wouldn't it?.....God said 'formed before you were even in the womb'....woa, am I on to something? Knowledge given to man long before such scientific methods could 'discover'/discern it. Either a natural god-like knowledge or God within us, writing our inner story as a history. Profound either way, I think) Discipline can be traumatic if we do not understand it. I have been entertaining that the bible is a record of our inner developmental process, beginning with innocence destroyed by our first act of disobedience in life, God's relationship with people becoming much like adolescence, and finally the rejoining of mind/spirit with body in the book of Revelation; the promised health and long life of a body with a sound mind/healthy spirit; a completed soul, unfractured/not existing in the tree of knowledge's fruit: extreme good and evil. And if "primitive man" had this inner knowledge, this understanding without the scientific language, what does that mean? Is "the christ" a single unified thought process/spirit?...because I have often wondered how it could be said this Jesus was firstborn from the dead, he raised Lazarus and prophets before him raised many other people. Prophets have been "taken to heaven" instead of experiencing death. This Jesus was not the first human to have 'ascended to heaven' unless he is figurative. But what would be the cause of 'mass hallucinations', the reported experiences of people all having seen this Jesus' resurrection? The implications.....! Part of me knew the apostles had been ripped off, mislead in waiting for a literal return of the man they had loved. But I felt it was for a purpose, so they would leave us a message that would not have spread so far if it was not so very urgently presented.
     If it is in our collective memory, I will find it (she winks, He always gives me the answers I ask, just a matter of when). The soul is in the blood, the blood goes from mother to child, memories in cells from before we are born, genes.....the knowledge of the first human beings, their memories, their understandings passed along physically and interpreted by 'feelings' which we translate into stories? But how did the first people ever know from where we came and what was required for inner peace unless it was there from the beginning. "Self-fulfilled prophesy" comes in here, which would explain why every group, every society, every community, every country and maybe even the world experiences it's own "Armageddon" sooner or later. Mankind as a race as been living a self-fulfilling prophesy from it's collective memory. How very interesting.   Further, if man evolved from animals...the bible does say "all of creation is groaning" awaiting for the end of this process....is this why animals are part of this self-fulfilling prophesy, they share the same cell memories? That would mean the story of the bible is not just our individual inner story, but the story of evolution-known and foretold from the beginning of creation within the body of the very first creation. The individual and group "Armageddons" also experienced by animals as extinction? Is self-fulfilling prophesy based on experience of evolution or caused by prophesy? Which came first, the chicken of fulfillment or the egg of prophesy? Answer comes: both came from their source as it's desire was developed, the desire being to become observer of self.     
     Chapter 19
      This is where Dr. Mate gets into the topic of genes. But before I move into the chapter, a dinner break made conducive some further reflections: Are mass hallucinations and collective consciousness the result of us picking up on electrical pulses in the brain of others we are naturally alert to because we find them stimulating or otherwise important to our development? The hope for the future, even if relying purely on evolution is this: evolution/enlightenment always results in a new, improved creation from that which survives evolution/enlightenment. The survival of the fittest, which is always that which has met challenges/dysfunctions and overcome them. And in our cells' awareness from racial memory of what is required to succeed in evolution/enlightenment, is this where we get the assurance (such as bible writers claim) of a pre-destination for success/salvation? Is this common knowledge what inspires people to recognize those succeeding and declare them prophets and saviors, knowing through them, their evolution, the entire species is saved? Is this what triggers access to even deeper cellular memory and understandings? Is this why those not 'destined' to make it resist it; their cells recognize their own brain's limitation and to keep it from being overloaded they can tolerate no exposure to it? And all this electrical brainwave activity emanating out from people all around us would certainly be one explanation for why I get a burst of energy and clearer thinking around three in the morning when everyone else is in deeper sleep. Oh, and virgin birth is easy to explain. It is still practiced in the middle east. Young women are taken into 'harems' of relatives so they can be protected by the other women, I  suspect as victims of rape and to protect them further from it. I suspect men go along with it to cover their own butts from accusations and shame. O.K., now back to genes and why the case for even their involvement in addiction does not make the potential for recovery to be hopeless.
     Ah, so it was the press that exaggerates the relevancy of discovered genes to be associated with behaviors and personalities, so even the 'god gene' is a misleading in being responsible for behaviors. Rather, as Dr. Mate puts it, "Genes certainly appear to influence, among other features, such traits as temperament and sensitivity. These in turn, have a huge impact on how we experience our environment. Which would explain, in my opinion, why it is that children of abused people, though themselves not abused, continue to pass down dysfunctional personality trait tendencies. They are pre-disposed by their parent's altered genes and/or brain training and then pass that onto their children. It explains how addiction can come from a "sober" family. Dr. Mate writes: "...it has now been discovered that there are only about thirty thousand gene sequences in our DNA-even less than in some lowly worms. 'Our DNA is simply too paltry to spell out the wiring diagram for the human brain', writes UCLA research psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz. Far from being dictators of our destinies, genes are controlled by their environment, and without environmental signals they could not function....It is the environment within and outside the body that determines which genes switched on, or activated, in which cell. 'The cell's operations are primarily molded by it's interaction with the environment, not by it's genetic code.' the cell biologist Bruce Lipton has written". Epigenetics: the study of how life experiences influence the function of genes. "Women who were pregnant at the time of 9/11 World Trade Center attacks and who suffered post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of witnessing the disaster passed on their stress effects to their newborns." My reflection: a single disaster can create the birth of an entire generation of dysfunctional humans and as our world becomes so interconnected via the internet, the traumatic experiences are shared, dysfunction is spread and will be passed to the next generation. Dr. Mate writes how trauma in the womb due to a mother's stress accounts for ADHD and I had wondered if it also accounted for autism (Dr. Mate does not mention it, yet anyways), both of which are on the rise. he mentions how adopted children are predisposed to be at greater risk for dysfunctions simply because a mother who would put her child up for adoption is one who is experiencing to much stress due to being pregnant. I like this: Dr. Mate writes ".....we can accept or assign responsibility without taking on the useless baggage of guilt or blame." That is the leap I have been making-hooray! Dr. Mate writes at the end of this chapter "...our culture has too avidly embraced genetic fundamentalism." Can anyone repeat what the doc said earlier: "extreme trauma creates extreme thinking". No wonder we live in a sick society and when will society supporters like the doctor finally realize it, make the connection. He wrote earlier in the book that a study was done amongst intravenous drug users who, he claimed are relatively healthy and stable because......they were in college, as if participation in predominant cultural normalcy is a sign of healthy brain function. If we live in a traumatized and thus dysfunctional culture, it obviously isn't a sign of mental health and stability!

The bowl of Water

                                   The Bowl of Water;
                                   A Journey
                  by Crystal Morningstar (aka Stacey Bourdeau)
    Take a large glass bowl to the ocean, river, lake or stream. Fill it with water. Bring it home. Place it as a centerpiece on your table. Look into that water. what would it feel like to swim in that water, to drink that water, be refreshed and renewed by it? Love that bowl of water.
    That bowl of water is you.
    Now go back to the ocean with a glass. Fill the glass with water and bring it home. Pour that glass of water into your bowl. This is that which we call God coming to visit you. Can you see the difference between the new water and old? No.
    But there are differences when it arrives and when it leaves. Maybe you saw ripples in your bowl, a disturbance of sorts. Maybe the temperature of the water in your bowl changed as your moods change. Maybe some of the water spilled over onto the table out into the world or into another vessel or container. Maybe the spill was in the form of tears you cried, the impact for good or evil you had on someone else. Maybe it was the birth of a child or a healing miracle. Maybe the wind blew in a way that was unusual.
    One day you notice the water level is lower. You never noticed the evaporation occuring, but there it is; water has left your bowl. After some time without that water moving or being refreshed, scum might begin to apear. The water begins to grow stale, grow mold, not have enough oxygen in it to sustain life. It ceases to breathe.
    We may be closer to God than we think, closer than the world would have us to believe because it does not like the ripples, the temperature changes, the impact we leave. Maybe we feel abandoned because we are not perceiving God as anything but ourselves making ourselves crazy, conflicting with what the world would have us believe.
    Be assured, so long as those inner waters are moving, overflowing, disagreeing,....God is visiting.
     Maybe someone else has let their water grow old and we don't want it spilling into our bowl. Maybe someone else's mold is floating at the top of our bowl until our next over flow. Maybe we can sense an overflow about to occur and choose how to use it, where to direct it. We never know.....some of it is under our control. But we cannot always control other bowls. we cannot always control our own bowl.
   Sometimes the ocean comes to us. Sometimes we go to the ocean. Sometimes someone else has gone to the ocean for us. Sometimes a stranger comes to our town, someone from the past "out of the blue", overflowing with water and stirring up trouble, the mold out of old, stagnant waters. mold going from bowl to bowl, back and forth again and again, never ending.
    Explore the potentials, follow the water. Where does it flow? Is someone else's overflow just your old mold coming back to be returned to your bowl? Know your own mold. if you're a regular flower, know that it wasn't. You may have carried it so long, it has become so familar, you don't remember when it wasn't there. And sometimes, maybe ya just don't care. it's mold. It's water. It's there.
    Maybe we wonder why we are always the center of trouble, all we are ever doing is flowing.   
All rivers flow back to the ocean, all waters seek to return to their source. The more the source is in you, the more rivers come seeking to overflow into you. the muddy ones, the crystal clear springs......
    So dance. So sing. So keep those waters flowing.
    Sometimes they'll be crazy spirits. Sometimes they'll be animals hurting.
    It is all water and it is all flowing.
    it is all madness. It is all peace. It is all moving.
    Even in the least.
    It is ever flowing, washing you right out of your seat, knocking you off your feet, out of your comfort zone, leaving you someplace alone.
    It comes in waves.
    It flows steady.
    It's oceans are stormy.
    It's rivers are glistening.
    Are you listening?
    In it's vessels it is speaking.
    Do we only hear it when it is a wave crashing,  or do we notice gurgling and splashing? Can we discern a trickle? When it causes a leaf to be set to rustling?
    Do we set up great dams within ourselves so it does come crashing and foaming, so we know we are alive and flowing because we failed to notice or believe the slow, steady trickle?
    Do we only allow ourselves to flow when others are flowing?
    Do we only allow it for special occassions?
    How often DO we choose our own reality, our stagnation, our own death and dying?
    When is it giving us answers but we add our dams to it, our mold, corrupting it's intention and effectiveness?
    How often do we take it personally when it shouldn't be?
    It is the ocean making them angry, not the individual.
    It is the ocean they are fighting, not you or me.
    We are simply all they can see.
    we are the only part of the ocean they know.
    It is the part of which they are aware.
    It's the only part for which they care.
    All those flowing emotions are symptoms of God speaking to me.
    When I rail at something outside me, to change something, it is a symptom of God within me speaking, with whom I am arguing. I am running, I am refusing an opportunity to see something.
    It is the water flowing, trying to overcome the dams within me.
    And sometimes it is telling me it is something that needs doing, something I am refusing.
    Sometimes it wants me alone, to it's self, so it's gift can be fully developed within me. So a process can become complete. So, I miss an opportunity, I am deprived of something, the computer won't be working, a ship keeps on sailing. I wasn't yet ready, full, complete. I was too busy, I wasn't listening.
    God only yells at you when you aren't listening.
    But if you do listen, he is quiet and patient and long-suffering. He is entertaining.
    It is a He when it is in control of things. (get the meaning, not the words that I here speak)
    Do you feel the energy?
    Did you take the journey?
    Do you 'see' the peace?
    Do you now recognize me?
    This is me.
    Recognize me.
    It is God who is speaking.