Link Between Abusive, Oppressive and Addictive Personalities

       This is an extension prompted by my investigating the rabbit hole of money, sex, health, etc. Toxic love, or more appropriately; attachment, is expressed in oppression, control, abuse and addiction (abuse of one's self by means of abusing the use of material things, and states of being consensual or not). 

     It all begins with the rather convincing (violent or passive aggressive conditioning, ignorance and fear) that our perceived needs can only be met by things outside of ourselves. 

    Comfort to physical and emotional pain comes from a tittie or bottle. We are ingrained with "needing" to ingest certain foods, substances to be healthy, which are constantly changing, causing fear and stress. We over apply in frustration or believe we deprive from the same or lack of availability. 

    Strict religions, cultures, society, peer groups, etc teach right and wrong sexual expression when the energy increase is experienced in that part of the body; what is healthy or not healthy, cool, acceptable. We aren't taught other creative ways to move that energy. We experience frustration, aggravation, insecurity and self hatred in association with it.

    We are conditioned in regards to emotions similarly. We find ourselves helpless in experiencing them around people overwhelmed by their own and stunting our cognitive abilities, interfering with our thought processes. 

    All of this is disempowering. We turn to "approved" (by us and/or others) "providers". Over givers and substances, states of being (spiritual escapism/meditation, etc) become over used and unable to help us attain the feelings we seek that they once triggered within us and so we abuse them; like kicking a dead dog. They're eager to please and always available, thanks to the law of attraction. 

     So, here we all are with angry inner children we've long since repressed into apparent silence "adulting" our way through life, demanding, blaming, conditioning, being conditional, feeling entitled based on whatever conditions we were conditioned to meet in order to get what we now perceive we need. We have the aggressive power players or passive-aggressive powerless players. All abusing self and others. (Except in the case of the truly powerless, physically and mentally, of course).

   How is powerless passive-aggressive? Because somewhere deep down, that inner child is screaming at things outside of themselves; "You told me I had to get from outside myself and I had to do it this way, so give me what I need, already!!". 

    It's becoming more commonly known that the sense of security we seek doesn't come from a gun, an insurance policy, etc. It comes from within. Happiness, as well, is an inside job. Same with love, joy, freedom or any other feeling/sense of. These outside things may introduce us to/trigger previously unexperienced feelings, however the feelings ultimately come from within and things outside of us are not responsible for them, unless our belief in them goes unchallenged. 

     We know this to be true when we are able to change our perception of things. We experience the truth of it when we change our beliefs about things. We can begin to experience the truth of that when we experience the desired feelings/sense of something with other things outside of ourselves than what initially triggered or satisfied. 

    Now, I go from here too far for most, as I am aided by the Law of Attraction, because my desire for the utmost freedom from abuse led me where I am about to take you, should you choose to continue. Others for whom it is too far; the Law of Attraction will deliver enough evidence to the contrary to assuage your inability to believe what I am about to share. Have no fear; I shall produce no further argument against you and you are safe in your own beliefs. You are free to stop reading at any point. 

      I haven't yet run into anyone who doesn't breathe. It's a nice feeling and has yet to be corrupted, that I am aware of (other than smoking, fear of pollution or just plain fear cinching our air intake and manifesting as allergies, etc). I have "cured" my own allergies and COPD by following guidence about associated emotions triggered by outside irritations and memories, conscious and unconscious/subconscious.

     Eating was intended to be another sense/sensual experience we have of physical life on earth, not to be dependent upon. Saying otherwise won't cut mustard with breathairians, who have been scientifically proven. I even experienced a taste of it (Look! A pun! 😁) for a time following practiced guidence, but was too dependent upon cigarettes and coffee in the end. I needed food to dilute the coffee and water to dilute the nicotine so I had some sort of balance in my physical being from my perception of how my body felt. Eventually I will make it back there; to that state of being. I've enough changing on my plate at the moment and will continue nursing from momma Earth until my perceived neediness relaxes. No shame to my game😉 I continue to be receptive to supportive media such as "The Ringing Cedars of Russia" book series. Anastasia's experience of life very much mirrors what I experienced as a child left to my own devices for the most part when not in school. A sincerely precious unintended gift of parental neglect, as it would be perceived nowadays but was a typical childhood of my latchkey, "It's 10:00P.M., do you know where your child is?" generation. 

Anticlimactic ending. Hmm 🤔

Oh! Return to point of dissertation; over use, perceived dependency upon, imbalanced relationship with anything outside of ourselves creates toxicity. We ARE creators, always creating something, after all 😉

     

     

    

Detoxing the link between Money/Material Wealth and Sex, Health, Well-being

     This was probably the biggest one for me and the final step into my being able to create a new life experience for myself. 

     We can probably all agree that abundance, prosperity, health and well-being are entangled with together and associated with money; the energy we interpret as appropriate trade for our energy input into the greater community. 

     We acknowledge that cognitive abilities develop in stages. For example; depth perception. Toddlers see a "fuck" (as my nephew with a then speech impediment screaming, pointed out at the truck stop to his mom🤣) getting bigger, not coming closer. 

      Similarly, life introduces certain energies along with the cognitive ability to use those energies. For example; we experience an increase of energy available in the body at puberty and we are introduced to sexual energy. 

     As new cognitive abilities are introduced, memories come up so we can expand our understanding of our experiences. That's why we revisit old memories we believe we've worked through and why the spiral is a metaphysical or metaphorical symbol of life/consciousness. We circle back around and expand, always moving the increased understanding "upwards" into the mind.

     Previous experience with such energies and cognition determine how we experience those energies. For example; before I attained cognitive understanding of depth, my mother, terrified, pulled me off the 2nd floor apartment window sill. Back then, my mother did have very motherly, nurturing feelings for me, so I readily absorbed that terror in association with heights and developed an unreasonable fear of them. 

      I was listening to YouTube video of Abraham-Hicks and something in me clicked. I have spent my entire life seeking and being most excited about understanding. I have quite the abundance of it. Material wealth, health and well-being suffered from neglect. I stopped being excited about physical sensation. My sensual, physical, self got no attention until it screamed out in pain from neglect. People who delight in sparkly things receive lots of sparkles in their experience. People who delight in clothes, have full closets. It goes so on and so forth. They don't even have to work for these things. They're gifted them and are offered circumstances that create a fullness of them. 

     In my case, the biggest reaction to material/physical things is blessed relief. Therefore, I only receive them when I'm crisis. Pair that with a violent conditioning into dependency upon toxic masculine energies and I became one toxic, needy, helpless, "don't touch me or help me", little bitch who didn't understand why and how she became such a victim and threatened suicide if  the non-physical "powers that be" don't deliver (see post on abuse and addiction following this one). Though I presented an amicable, people pleasing personality with a resting bitch face I wasn't even aware of 🤣 I spent most of my life terrified.

       Here I was, once again in desperate straights; over 100 degrees F, unable to provide for myself and once again receiving a toxic masculine response. The contending with it with the ease and grace I do desire for this next stage of my life has been a tentative testing of responses for me. Yesterday I experienced a huge breakthrough.

     The day before, I was facing the "only choice is hospital", no; I choose a better life for myself. The strength returned toy legs and the heat exhaustion left my body. Further heavy feeling energy/fear/darkness came to be associated with thoughts to succumb to do that it could be embodied. "No! Labor does not have to be so hard!" I asserted. The feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own prickly skin receded. I had begun to wake up to feel a semi bright presence bent over me from the right that asked if I was ready to go. I had gotten up and made myself emotionally and physically ready, knowing it didn't mean I was physically moving, but it seemed natural to symbolically (it's called spell casting when practiced to affect something) be ready in the physical. The movement of the heavy energies was me moving emotionally/energetically.

     I personify different aspects of myself in my mind so I can mediate between them in a way I can comprehend/my mind can grasp. After that contending, I sensed a younger masculine expressing the sentiment; "Anything, if that's what you want, I will get it. If you had only told me" turned into"if I only knew". "He couldn't know ". I was too busy trying not to be"demanding", "needy", or even noticed.

        So, yesterday, restored to a healthy balance, this newly triggered awareness of the connection between physical pleasure, I tested the theory on the easiest, most attainable amount of pleasure I could avail myself of to rush what I wanted of the physical realm to me. I felt the drawing in of material things. It was ecstasy (ecSTACEY 😉) with visualizations of money and finer things. Ah ha! That's why sex magic is a thing and why sex sells things! That drew in the darkness and I sensed as I repeated words of what I wanted; "and call me Daddy". Nope! I immediately changed my focus. Now, that is not to imply that such draws "evil". It only means I drew my own inner "demon" up and that's how I know I had deeply repressed judgement in association with it. Absolutely; tell me you want to see me in the lap of luxury while making sweet love to me! Describe it in detail with every brush stroke of sensation. We'll create kingdoms for each of us together!

     Another connection I made was with dancing paired with singing and/or what we visualized when doing so. Speaking words, speaking our reality into being, spell casting, I keep myself aware of the words I sing. For example when I hear the verse; "I've still got alot of fight left in me", I change "fight" to "life". 

      I was awakened while it was still dark by a dark masculine presence that wanted to inform me that they were going to get me what I wanted. Now I had the immature masculine and grown emotionally masculine energies going to obtain what I wanted to sustain this physical being. This afternoon, I realized I had created that overbearing begrudging masculine energy as a petulant child who received requested things not exactly what she wanted, as she wanted. A disheartened adult male would have that response. Neither of my parents were energetic matches for my super consciousness, especially with being so distracted with fighting one-another. There's no way they could have been present enough to really hear or see me.

      I was waking up this morning when that dark masculine energy came and tried to oppress me into fear of not getting my needs met again. I turned inward towards my light. I remembered a channeler being interviewed to focus on instead of the dark energy/thoughts. I experience those energies on my left side. I began to see a light coming in and out of focus behind the darkness. The energies of St. Germaine and Jesus became present to my awareness just to the outside of my right hand side perception presence. I allowed them in and they reminded me to allow my energy to work for me. I sent a tentative tendril of what I perceived as my energy from my right hand side, where I obviously had been retreating into and limiting myself to; my emotions. It leaked "under" the dark energy and I cried. I was releasing my fear of using my own energy to fulfill my physical needs and wants! 

       As I exercise my using my own energy in a balanced way, flowing fluidly from left to right sides of my body, I requested St. Germain, Jesus, and Tobias energies to stay and help. Of course they're aspects of myself I will use as separate so I feel the support and encouragement of healthy fatherly energy that nurtures an empowered feminine in a female presenting body, which I choose to express my perception through. 

     So it is that our wealth, health and well-being is associated with toxicity and money. 

     Now, I have slowed it down to imagining being in a forest or on a beach when I focus on being caressed by a soft breeze. Anytime I interact with water, drinking or bathing, I focus on the feeling of refreshment and imagine blue lagoons. When I brush against a branch under my tree where I pretty much confine myself these days, I reach for the leaves and imagine brushing my hands against lush green grass. When I see a good looking vehicle, I remember driving one of quality, the vibration and power felt in it's motion, in shifting it's gears (not enough standards around these days, imo). Those don't draw dark energies 😉

     Also, I know I have detoxed a lot of judgement in association with intimate relationships because not long after, I experienced my first girl on girl giddiness🤗

Phew! That thar is what we call a humdinger of a rabbit hole!🤪 I'm impressed with me for navigating to the bottom of it and coming out with clarity; grounded and sane! 🎉👍💃

Maybe one day I'll elaborate on those physical "miracles" I experienced through that and previously. Some of which are medically recorded and blew the minds of medical and mental health staff💥I am unlimited- hooya! (As soon as I allow myself to be 🤣😉)

Now, I rest....nope, one more post to go as a connection to this topic comes up.....vroom, vroom

Heaven and Earth Meet in Peace; Autumn's Song

 The King has placed his Queen upon her throne;

 masculine and feminine,

they form harmony in their union.

"I am Oneness"; Spirit says.

"I am Balance"; Earth responds.

"We are both one",

they see simultaneously.

A long conversation follows. 

Recognition sets in repeatedly. 

Banter about cunning 

and ironic laughter ensues.

 Two very wise mothers;

both quietly amused.

"We are the same."

boundaries are set,

roles to be played.

They agree that once

 this body has settled in,

(It needs to rest)

(There needs to be time to play,

it's good for the soul)

 the story will be told.

 It will be a saga sung in both their voices, 

in both their tongues

 by a one. 

They'll be heard in unison.

A little daughter of each sent in,

followed by their heros.

Two wee females, unawares,

as bait for the masculine of the other.

A sacrifice of identity of both, 

feeling so abandoned and so alone. 

One hidden, 

one exposed.

They woke the males up to one-another

and themselves so alone.

 Their story will be told.

A left hand flaps up and down 

as a sign of "yes".

A right hand repeats the gesture now

 without duress.

A sign of agreement

 from them both.

Now we let it all to flow.

Source interweaves the two 

and finds the one,

the song to know,

and be it's host.

-by Stacey Marie Bourdeau

AKA Autumn

AKA Crystal Morningstar 

Coming Into My Own

 What life is showing me about me today:

      I'm ready.

"Came out" with a blog post on a public forum and when argument came in response, I didn't even flinch with insecurity or self doubt that had previously plagued me if I had even considered doing such a thing. 

That mark on that cup in the photo is the teeth marks from someone who came to sit, so malnourished, in pain and short of breath from heat exhaustion that they bit down on the cup of cold water I gave them while they drank it. They knew they were safe from criticism for coming to me for that moment of peace in such a state. My cool was not disturbed by worry or fear. There would be no pity they'd have to face. They left when I offered my phone, more refreshment, perspective that might help. They were not angry with me nor was it because I was too pushy, just "I have to decide whether I want to live or die"; they told me. That's truth. I respect that; they didn't want to receive what they weren't positive they would use. I wasn't disturbed by that either. I knew it was not personal, they weren't rejecting me. I had been in that same state of malnourishment and dehydration in oppressive heat not very long ago. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to interfere with my right to choose, either. There really is nothing I can do about that person''s state with any integrity and for the first time in present memory I am O.K. with that.

I am finally the rock I needed to be for myself and for my community. 

I am finally what I was always meant to be.

I am Stacey Marie Bourdeau; Fruitful Star of the Sea by the (Living) Water, One Who Rises Again, Crystalline Star of the Morning 

Removing Words From My Vocabulary, Songs and Board Games

 I do not need grace for I do not need saving from myself - Stacey Marie Bourdeau

The true vibration of love is delight.- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I replace thanks and gratitude with appreciation I trust is there because attention is being shown it. -Stacey Marie Bourdeau

The true vibration of love is delight- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I wipe "unconditionally" from my vocabulary because it contains the vibration of "condition". I give and love freely.- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I replaced "should" with "could". 

I removed the word "but" because it represents the interjection of an argument. If we want to add to, expand on a topic, we saw; "however".

"Delight" and "appreciation" are as unconditional as we can relate to in our common human experience and "could" allows for choice, thus respecting free will and the right to self determination. 

There are plenty others, however if you've made it this far, you get the drift.

I also change words to songs. We get caught by a beat or rhythm and pay no head to the words, drawing unwanted experiences. For example; in "This is my fight song" or "Fight Song", I sing "I've got alot of life left in me" instead of "fight left in me". I've had enough of fighting. 

I change board game rules with my children as well so we're playing at the change we want to see in the world.

Needless to say, to the discriminating minds; conversations with me are interesting, fascinating and stimulating even. To others; just plain confusing and "difficult". Se la vie!💃

Consciousness freight train coming through, woo woo 🚂 (Mostly just the little engine that could 😉)

Regret- it's gone from existence to reunite with happy and love.

The Dumpster Diving Life

       Sometimes we drop something down a drain or take something apart to get to the "bottom" of a problem. For the most part, no one wants to be in the bowels of life for long. Some value themselves and their cleanliness over sentimental value placed on something by someone else, if not themselves. 

       Growing up having come out of the womb of a woman who dumpster dove for a mate (married a guy who was from "the wrong side of the railroad tracks"; violent drunk and child molester like his father), dumpster dove for household furnishings, clothing, and food(damaged, marked down, etc), all  despite having lots of money, I became ingrained with the thoughts, perceptions and beliefs of dumpster divers. She even dragged us to and dedicated us shortly after birth to a religion that glorifies dumpster diving for souls while reinforcing the existence of the dumpster and it's occupants. 

     The dumpster didn't feel like home, however I had no perceivable choice in the matter. It was familiar. I felt dirty and was uncomfortable in the presence of better because I knew I had a dumpster contaminated brain. 

      Today I understand what it was meant by Jesus that he was there for the lost sheep only, the chosen ones of Israel. There are several species of snakes; the stranglers, the venomous, and the ones that will keep the other two out of their territory. It's the king snakes I find in my territory. 

      I lost myself in the thinking and perceiving of lack, judgement, etc. in the "kingdom" of an abusive god. When I chose myself over all the dumpster trash, I became chosen. I heard the call through the corruption of prophetic words that made it into the dumpster. I found the kingdom within and eventually learned that the voices in the dumpster don't serve and so don't deserve my attention. 

     I'm pissed. Or is it just clarity that has to be brutal to make it's self clear in a grime coated dumpster? I find myself yelling the words I am trying to write as someone walks by yelling dumpster diving arguments at the dumpster diving thoughts on autoplay in their own head. 

    All that only to discover; there's always bigger, better, newer and it serves me better to focus on that instead of why I found myself in a dumpster diving for a life.

My Dancing Wound

       I was just triggered while commenting on a short video: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1212955819409334?mibextid=S2eJsg&s=yWDuG2&fs=e 

      I believed I was defending the sanctity of a practice. I realized why it was such a touchy and for me:

      I would dance out here in the desert and an old man with serious stalkery vibes would ride his bike by, stop and try to watch. I was expressing prayerful joy and appreciation for my environment as well as the sensual experience of my body's movement; something sacred to me. I felt "filthy" with him watching and thought his wanting to watch filthy. It especially became so when I would be at the store and he'd ask if I would dance for him. Even after I expressed anger at that, he would still stalk me. 

    Reflection led me to my late 20's when I knew I was supposed to be in a relationship with a man due to a soul contract. I knew he'd be drawn if I danced seductively. As I did, I thought to myself that I could never respect a man who was drawn to that intentional sexual seduction to ensnare. It disgusted me just like that old man.

     I felt "disgust". That felt familiar. Sexuality disgusted my mother. So did my greasy hair, the fact that I rode western and received champion ribbons at every show, riding with pelvis back instead of under and back straight instead of relaxed as was "the right way". The idea of me having had sex brought on a rampage of disgust. Eventually her disgust was returned by me.

     I remembered when I told my uncle proudly that I was going to be in a belly dance show on my early 20's. He refused to come because that would be bad. Disgust at my inviting him to observe what, to him, would have been sexual entered the scene. The whole reason I was drawn to and proud of my belly dancing was because I was taught that it was sacred and anything but sexual. It was a bonding with other women that I so desperately wanted because I felt such a lack of it in my life experience. No one else in my family came to watch me. My mother always viewed other women (including me, even as a child) as sexual competition for the attention of any and all men. 

     I took dance classes for tap, jazz, ballet, and gymnastics when I was a child in grade school. I did well in them all despite my stage fright. On stage wasn't so bad because we really couldn't see the audience and I could easily imagine they weren't there and would be focused on my fellow dancers whose families they were anyways. They came to see them, not me, so no pressure imagined. When my gymnastics instructor wanted me to demonstrate something for the rest of the class, however, I lost my grip and smashed myself into a cement wall, blacking out. Up close center of attention terrified me. When the idea of training me for the Olympics was introduced, I quit dancing. Quit riding dressage as a teen for the same reason. Being the center of attention even kept me from my own birthday parties and doing oral reports in school. 

      The struggle within myself was between the desire to be watched in appreciation and the reality of stage fright coupled with unwanted/traumatizing observers. This struggle manifested it's self when commenting on a dance form being "over sexualized". Quite a rabbit hole for me! I don't like pleasing myself sexually for a man wanting to watch. I don't watch porn and even avert my eyes at sex scenes in non x-rated movies. I skip those parts in books I read. I'm free with myself sexually and feel comfortable being sexual, just not with sexual voyeurism. 

    At the end of this, I realize I was accused of bad intentions. People with bad intentions or who were falsely accused of having bad intentions are the first to see and accuse of bad intentions. A mistruth can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. True intentions have been labeled "bad" when we hold no ill intent. We may become insecure about our intentions then and end up doing the same to others so we can "do right". 

    The reason for this is dancing wound is a pot luck in a mixed bag, I am seeing. I don't really want or feel the need to pick apart each ingredient and setting. 

     What I can do is introduce myself to "healthy"/ better feeling perceptions: 

      The desire to observe and be observed with appreciation is the driving force of physical existence as I know it. How many children's voices ring out in public places; "Look ma!"? It's quite normal. 

     We can expect the level of appreciation to match our level of enthusiasm toward our expression. That is; if the Law of Attraction is to be taken into consideration.

      Sex is a normal, healthy aspect of adult humanity that validly needs and deserves it's time to shine. 

       I have learned healthy boundaries, how to express them comfortably and how to recognize energies I desire interacting with in a sexual way. I feel comfortable expressing my preferences. I feel comfortable exploring sexuality so I am aware of my preferences and may develop new ones. I am confident in my choices of sexual preferences as well as non-sexual. I can choose what is sexual or non-sexual for myself without feeling threatened by others choosing to sexualize that which I do not. 

     Shoot; I have a gay male friend who playfully illicits sexual responses from me, obviously without any sexual intent and I am comfortable with it. I can joke lewdly with a CIS male comfortably without sexual intention entering the vibration. I recognize when it is "safe" and when it would illicit unwanted sexual attention. 

     I would not put myself in an environment that would sexualize activities I wouldn't want to have sexualized. 

     Now that it comes down to it, I have been creating a life experiences with little to no unwanted characters or feelings. People find myself and my place clean, cozy, desirable, admirable. They imitate and follow my example. They express appreciation for who I am and the skills I have. They're proud to know and be associated with me. Sweet realization! 🤗🎉

That takes care of that trigger!

I have been claimed.

I am owned* see link below  

I am recognized. 

I am understood.

Look; it picked it's self apart! My brain just came along for the realization, observation and translation ride. 

Stacey the Eresi, indeed🤣

     * Video from Teal Swan about what I mean by owned: https://youtu.be/RI9iu8j_f5c

Are We Really Even Truly Angry?

      I noticed something within myself and then was able to pick up on it in other children. By the time we're adults it's so ingrained and familiar it feels real AF. 

       There is real anger. That's how we recognize triggers. When we recognize that we've been triggered, we know where to look within ourselves for the source of our discomfort. When we do that, we can access relief. Then there is practiced anger that we make our own. 

      Practiced anger that we make our own comes from at least two kinds of experiences. One is when we take on the anger of caregivers so we fit in, are perceived as on their side, and we believe we are safe from having their anger projected at us. Of course it doesn't work most of the time, though it may waylay it now and then. We get angry at them hurting us, feel betrayed at it not working and our anger compounds the adopted anger. It then becomes near  impossible to differentiate the sources of the anger we may feel when triggered. It can become so familiar that we fears letting go of it for fear of losing our Identity, our false sense of self we associate with a sense of safety because adopting it was intended to make us safe. That's one of those roads to hell paved by good intentions.

     Another practiced anger is adopted in imitation of someone we admire. They display qualities, skills and experiences we want to emulate. Instead of just emulating the specific aspects we admire, we emulate everything about them, including expressing anger at the same things they get angry with. (Notice that phrase angry "with", the joining of another in the experience of). It all starts off innocent enough; like trying on a hat or pretending to be a dog. Then it becomes familiar and we begin to own it. It becomes just as fear inspiring to let go of as any other practiced form of anger. It's not just letting go of a false sense of self, it may feel like we're rejecting someone we had so admired because we may not be able to differentiate between the whole person and their various aspects. Sometimes we are ready to let go of the anger, however we are not able to separate the whole from the unwanted aspects. This leads to hate of that which we loved. This is why people turn on religious organizations they've left and even habits they've left (imbalance of use of drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc.). 

     If we are experiencing unwanted anger in our lives, from others and/or in ourselves, it may serve us to see if any of it was never really our own to begin with. The only person on the other side of letting go is someone who doesn't feel good about anger being projected at themselves or others, and is now old enough to articulate that and act in accordance with that, aka "be yourself". 

     Otherwise, our real anger is with ourselves. That does us no good as it leads to self destructiveness. Compassion and understanding for ourselves is the help we truly need. There is plenty of examples put there to show us how to gift that to ourselves. Matt Kahn's "Love What Arises" and Abraham-Hicks have been my personal go-tos over the years. You'll find yours as soon as you open up to the idea of doing so.

✌️

The End of The Twin Flame Road

     This post was inspired by a YouTube video by Sacred Soul Rising; https://youtu.be/pTiLxAOVgCw

     Union at any point of a twin flame journey depends entirely on the nature of the soul and the desires it is serving in a perceived shared time/space experiential reality. 

      To be 100% in soul 100% of the time, we would have to be focused solely in the soul it's self with no perception of any multiplicity or "other". 

      IOW; "back door feeding" is required for the perceived existence of self, including physical incarnation. It may be "back door feeding" a beach, a pet, a child, a mountain, the sky, ley lines, students, YouTube comments, etc., if not our other human incarnation. 

     No one can tell us that we are in separation from our twin due to our focus on the twin, not doing inner work, not focusing on ourselves, not ascending, being in lack of inner union or failing at any other "spiritual" pursuit (unless that's what we need to believe to fulfill the purpose serving the initiating desire at the point we are hearing of it).

      No one can tell us whether our twin is "spiritual" or not. They can't tell us if they are our polar opposite or not. Each soul and how it shows up to fulfill the initiating desire is as unique as it's self.

      Ultimately, whether we come into union with another incarnation of ourselves (twin flame) in human form at any point of the journey or not and what that will look like is going to be an individual soul's preference. If we are one with our soul (if the memory of oneness is implanted in the "brain" to be accessed while awake/focused in physicality), we will be aware of what that preference for this incarnation is. We will feel in agreement with it. It will be manifested. 

     That's why no one can tell us how this journey will end other than our own awareness of our soul's desire. Our mind is purposely either accepting freely or resisting awareness of this desire. It is consciously ("awareness implanted in mind"/"front door feeding") awareness of this desire or subconsciously (unconsciously/"back door feeding") the awareness of this desire. It has to be feeding it either way for it to manifest/experientially exist. 

     In other words; you already know how the story ends and if you believe that you don't, it's because your soul self doesn't want to know for this part of its experience of this time/space reality. IOW; you don't want to know and for the initiating desire to be fulfilled, it's important for you not to know. 

       We can even go so far as to say there is no road😉

        Yeah, I may have killed a sacred cow now and again for my own sake🤣

     

Core Parental Wounds; "Not in MY house" Creates Abusive Landlords and Employers, Gamblers, Thieves, Cure for Poverty and Corruption

        Core wounds of my masculine aspect from parental interactions are at the fore recently. This morning I realized I could not allow a man to financially support me and have a healthy sexual relationship with him. I have been replaying my father's sexually molesting me with the men who financially support me.

       That's why I only took lovers when I had my own means and when I don't, it's only perverted old men who are willing to respond to my material needs. It's because the one who was "supposed to" provide for and protect me left my material provisions to my mother who resented doing so and refused with the excuse; "you're too picky". Then he violated me when I couldn't speak up. 

     When I finally told him; "I'll tell mom!", he told me to go ahead. She shrugged it off, saying she was going to divorce him anyways. She threatened to use it against him in court to get everything she wanted in the divorce. Then she and he told every I had lied about it because they caught me in bed with a boyfriend I didn't have at 14 years old so they could have sex together again without people thinking poorly of my mother who made herself victim again. We would hear them in the shower together at night after we were in bed. Talk about traumatic! 

       So, yeah; my life has been a loop of sexual violation from men in association with material provisions or resentment and abuse from women in association with it. It came from both mother-in-laws were involved. 

      It all started to come up when a community leader posted a rant on Facebook, in essence saying; "After all we've done for you....". Yup, the ol' parental guilt trip, emotional abuse, we "owe" for what should have been provided unconditionally. That one didn't hit me, however I did sense it hitting the community. "Don't do me any favors". The responding; "Fine, I won't let anyone do me any favors" core creation generator, I DO recognize within myself. That just compounds the resist in me to be provided for.

      Another wound I see in people is the ol' ; "Not in MY house!" The deep rooted fear of losing home while being unable to fend for one's self terrorizes is as children before we can handle it and so we recreate it in our lives with landlords and employers.

     I don't remember hearing this one myself, however I hear it alot in my community; "That's why we can't have nice things". So, we learn at an early age to take the blame for everyone else's poverty. Self-fulfilling prophesy is born and gamblers and thieves along with it.

     Self esteem is the only cure for poverty and injustice. The words to express how we're affected help. I hope I have shared words that help others as they're helping me 🙏

#Leavingsurvivalmode

        I had to explain to someone that the homeless person they gave something to likely wasn't as appreciative as the giver perceived them to be. The homeless person was probably already worrying about how they were going to fulfill they're next need, such as where their next meal was going to come from. That's survival mode's symptom; lack of demonstrable appreciation. 

      The proud survivor must have an experience to barely be survivable. They must repeat the story of the experience to justify their label of survivor if they want to remain thusly entitled. If they perceive a need to continue to be titled "survivor" but don't feel like a survivor, they need another experience to hold the title. 

      There's also the Law of Attraction that draws experiences to be survived as long as we are in survival mode, resonating with the story of survivor. 

       Most are born into an environment in survival mode and are thus conditioned to it. I had a doctor who was still practicing well after the age of retirement tell me that 99% of our society (American) suffers from PTSD. If it's not poor man's worries,fears, and feelings of insecurity, it's the rich man's worries, fears and feelings of insecurity. We have community leaders taking the lead in demonstrating survival mode by the conflicts they engage in. Even the Presidents play the blame game, a sure sign of survival mode. 

     Thus, leaving survival mode is challenging. One must experience a sense of security in all aspects of life. It requires the rewiring of neuropathways, which literally changes our DNA. We must master our powers of things like perception, self awareness, emotional intelligence, understanding, etc. and be fluid enough in them to change beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. 

      People die trying: literally. I did a lot of research on cult recovery when I left a religious group. When faced with an undeniable truth that conflicts with  life-long religiously associated "truth" upon which physically healthy people made all their life choices, it is not unusual for those people to die suddenly. 

     There is, what they call RTS; Religious Trauma Syndrome. Emotionally, those experiencing RTS are emotionally in survival mode. Our education is a religion, our politics, our culture, etc are all ingrained belief systems increasingly meeting up with very different beliefs. 

     In the face of all that, I have an inherent need to thrive. So, I choose the "path of least resistance", as Abraham-Hicks would say. I choose the better feeling perceptions of myself, my world and my experiences of both. I protect my sense of security and well-being, nurture it, feed it with information via media, socialization, etc that supports an experience of thriving. 

    I have been rewiring my neuropathways bit by bit over the past 30 years by first exploring other religions than the Roman Catholic one I was raised in. Then, I became determined to find the source of all abuse/suffering and break the cycle/chain of it in both sides of my family. That meant examining all educational systems, religions, political belief systems, forms of government, psychology, etc. I turned inward upon introduction to information like the book; "Women Who Run With Wolves".

    I feel more joy, excitement and an ever increasing sense of security the more I go within myself in search of answers. I truly am #Leavingsurvivalmode

An End To All Suffering and a New Earth?

 Yes and no. 

     We can bring an end to our own suffering in our own little world. We can turn unwanted feelings into background noise by not attaching thought to them which would increase the intensity of the feelings, creating stronger emotions, drawing more thoughts associated with those feelings and then experiences to create more thoughts associated with the feelings. By relegating unwanted feelings to the background, unwanted physical life experiences recede into background scenery being experienced by other perspectives. 

    We draw others with similar focus and intensity, creating a shared world of perception, and  thus a shared reality/world. It is shared beliefs about the shared reality/world that we call the matrix, collective consciousness, god, mass consciousness, etc. It's these shared beliefs/matrix/god that determines what can penetrate and affect that world as a whole. 

     This perception writing this can only testify in the actual existence of a New Earth if it, which it refers to as "I" experienced it. I have only had an energetic experience of my joining another and flying in purely energetic form to a purely energetic "new earth". 

     This perception, I, does sense that the density of proximity of common states of consciousness with agreed beliefs about their shared energetic experiences being mutually perceived determines the solidity of the shared energy and thus an actual separate planet. 

   If we can imagine it, it can exist we are told. It's the transferring of a perceptually physical vessel moving with a separating New Earth from an old Earth, it's being transported to a New Earth, or it's teleporting it's self to a New Earth. They are all really just a refocusing and embodiment of a single  perspective onto so-called New Earth shared illusion/interpretation of energy limited by beliefs about how that refocusing can occur.  

       We are told that everything to ever exist is still in existence because there is only one present moment in existence. Those feelings we do not want in our perceptual experience do always exist. The accompanying experiences do always exist. The perceptions that focus on them with do always exist. Therefore, Earth always exists, "old" and "new". Which we experience is determined by what we are embodying for consciousness and our beliefs about it. We can even have an Earth subject to a single perception and it's beliefs about it's self. 

Demystifying "Supernatural Powers" and Ego Info

    Yup; I'm the bitch that's going to do it for/to ya 😉 (If you allow it) I'm response to a YouTube video I just watched. ( https://youtu.be/sWC8QGps-TI )

      I will address the topic of ego at the end*

The simple answer is: there is no such thing as a higher mind. We have access to these powers and more at all times. 

The difference between those who can and those who can't is belief that they can or can't. 

The inability to manifest those powers stems from feeling powerless ( a core wound of separation for the purpose of experiencing physicality). As long as we feel, perceive, believe ourselves powerless in reference to physical manifestation, we unconsciously deny ourselves permission to manifest "super powers". In becoming accustomed to/familiar with feeling powerless compounded by the commonality of the core wound, fear of releasing powerlessness is introduced because it would create another experience of separation which caused the core wound to begin with. This fear of separation is thus perpetuating the experience of separation and fear of such inherent abilities. They are not actually uncommon powers. We understand power as a separator, thus an instigator/influencer by fear and force because we were not consciously aware when we experienced the initial separation. The initial separation deprived us of the experience of consent that the initiating desire for separation unconsciously gave. In other words, desire is consent and because we were not self conscious, we did not have memory, therefore we did not remember having the desire. 

Because of all that fear surrounding these innate abilities we forgot we have in our feeling powerless, we group consciousness consented to giving permission to manifest these abilities in limited circumstances when they came back into our awareness via "spontaneous" manifestation. Spontaneous manifestation often came when fear of not having the abilities overruled the fear of having them. Thus only those who "proved" they had overcome fear were given permission or gave themselves permission to express these innate abilities. Other manifestations became exposed when meeting groups or individuals who did not have such limitations. These would have been called witches, etc. Perceiving fear in response to one's unexpected demonstration these abilities would have inspired the desire to use such abilities to govern by fear(power) in those who felt powerless in other aspects, etc. 

    So, you already have the abilities. It's your disbelief that any and everyone already has access to them that prevents use of them. You already gave consent to me playing this role when your desire to read it came into being😉

Soundtrack: https://youtu.be/EoA6HqLai-Q

     *In reference to the parable about the ego: we know one insecure about their own abilities, or lack thereof, to express "super human powers" would dismiss them as parlor tricks. We also know that one insecure about their, believed to be acceptable, human abilities would magnify those as a form of overcompensation. Imbalanced consciousness states of being are known to engage in "cock-waving", even at the expense of other states of consciousness. Job of the Bible Book of the same name is one example of such "cock-waving". Has anyone come up with the word "beaver bashing" as the female equivalent? I know "beaver blocking" is the feminine form of "cock blocking". Do we have a non-binary form of those?🐿️ 

     If we can imagine finding our limitless selves waking up with a whole bunch of the limitations produced by fear-based states of being, we can understand why the ego (physical form) would be associated with fear and aggression. The ego, sensing this fear and aggression is going to feel the same towards the consciousness the fear and aggression originate from. Both perspectives; which we personify so we can relate and thus understand, project fear and aggression towards "one-another". Thus the struggle with ego is born. The ego is required in order to fulfill the initiating desire. This is unknown by the consciousness in which the desire was initiated. It knew desire and it knew limitation based fear in association with the feeling of desire. Desire then becomes undesirable. Initiating desire thus struggles against the form required for fulfillment and the desire for it it not to be fulfilled. The attempts to kill the ego stem from that conflict. It graduates to "necessary evil" in some belief systems. It exists as all that is in other belief systems such as atheism and in universal Oneness (same phrasing, different meaning😁). In still others, it is merely an unconscious tool. In some it is offspring of god. It is perceived as extension of Source to some. It is referred to as an aspect of God in some belief systems. It's limitations and lack thereof are determined by the perceptions and beliefs of the consciousness aware of the ego. It is thus subjective and will manifest qualities/be and/or become the beliefs it is subjected to. The stronger the self-awareness of the consciousness in and of the ego, the less subject it is to other states of consciousness. It's highest potential is subject to the thus contemplating consciousness. 

    I'm not just smart, I'm a smartass and sometimes, that just smarts😉 🤣 - Stacey Marie Bourdeau 

Embodying Authority, Not Bothering With Corrections, Why We Create Religions, Why Most Humans are Mortal/Die and Atlantis

      I'm expanding at such a rapid pace that I am on to the next thing the moment I recognize something as a belief and thus bullshit. In doing so, I teach understanding of why we do that. 

       Yes, we bullshit ourselves with incorrect or incomplete beliefs because we aren't yet where we want to believe we are. We want it to be true, we know it's not true, so we create a religion around it. We desire it so greatly that we are keenly aware of our lack of it in the state of being that created the desire to begin with. The ultimate "fake it 'til you make it"🤣 O.K.; I make time to laugh about it/myself in reference to it. 

    Yup, we can now praise the existence of religious cults. They're so determined to get their desire for truth-self perception that they're faking it until they make it.....which causes the self aware aspect to know they're faking it, reinforcing the feeling of being fake and bringing self condemnation which leads to persecution..... that is a mouth/concept-full🤣 Tongue twisting IS funny. In pops; "Bullshit and horseshit are the same.....if we're calling ourselves on it"😉

      O.K.,  🐿️ ing done. Back to topic of the day: embodying Authority. I'm feeling it! It changes "We shouldn't need to be punished for making dignified choices!" to "We don't need to suffer indignity in order to embody dignity." We are dignified beings. This is known, understood and accepted when we fully embody our authority as sovereign beings. 

      This came to me after a morning of dancing that became a dancing in joyous oneness with everything and everyone that popped into my head, releasing a feeling of separation from them I wasn't even consciously aware I felt. I became aware of bringing Atlantis into oneness with the ocean within me as I became one with the fauna of the seas. This is significant for me because I became aware of a lot of trauma that occurred in Atlantis that was carried in the consciousness of this body's soul. 

     My body's joints cracked, muscles stretched and strengthened....and I realized; I no longer have to fall asleep for me to reset my physical reality. Physical changes CAN be immediate in me. That means they can also change immediately in the manifestation of people and environment I perceive. I HAVE been "smelling"/sensing the whisper of it being so with all my senses sporadically. It's a matter of.......belief. More specifically; a matter of how much of me believes. For example; my body didn't believe it could keep up with my "enlightenment" because the bodies around it don't believe it. This morning, that changed while dancing as I repeated to myself/my body; "You were born for this!" and I felt the truth of that....and got horny and someone else popped into my head and I chose to rectify that relationship upon fulfillment of the standard I set (in my newly embodied authority) of public apology for the abuses done me that became public knowledge and thus contested. Dignity. They took advantage of my state of being in which I believed I had to choose to tolerate indignity because I was dedicated as a child to the god of the bible, the god of Abraham, Issac and Jacob......I have come full circle. 

     Just because we can, doesn't mean we will. True authority does not have the word "should" in it's vocabulary. I suspect there are plenty of other commonly used words that can apply to that as well. 

     This reminds me of The Most Inspiring Betty's podcast I listened to yesterday and the discussion therein about the use of words ( https://youtu.be/HYonN_kGzGQ ). That reminded me of what I read in the book "Braiding Sweatgrass" by Robin Kimmerer and where it took me. The author mentions how in her Native American language, nothing has names that are nouns. Names are action words in her Native American tongue. For example; it's not a tree, it's "being a tree". That prompted me to wonder what, exactly, was being a tree, which led to "everything is made of Source energy', thus it's Source being a tree which reinforces the belief that God is all and God is in all. I would say The Dance (Source) is in all and all is god unto it's self. I began to address people in my community out loud; "Hello Source being (name)" and when I looked at anything such as a tree, I greeted it out loud as "Source Being Tree". I could feel a huge change my own energy and I liked it!

     This reminds me that yesterday, it occurred to me that something within me is "The Eternal Limitlessness"and that would be "The Dance". In saying and feeling, thus experiencing oneness with"The Eternal Limitlessness", I become eternally limitless myself. 

    As I rested deeply after all that dancing in oneness, releasing and embodiment, why humans are even mortal to begin with came to me. 💡Duh! Of course it did🤣 I became eternally limitless yesterday! Human mortality is a result of the separation from Source and the rest of physical manifestation to become "one" separate from other "one" in order to view self. This separation created fear and all sorts of core wounds. We didn't like that feeling and so resisted the idea of eternal separation and thus an inability to realize the inherent eternal potential for immortality. Some just have no interest in being human for very long, some not at all, some "chicken out", some fail to see the point after a bit of experiencing their reason for it, quickly become disenchanted. Some just like the commonality with their ancestors, friends and family. I'm sure the circumstances and reasons are as limitless as Source. They'd have to be 😉

     We are chosen because we choose it for ourselves....of our own free will. And that's not just a belief.

     Oh, I did not take the time to proofread or edit through this rapid harvest, either. I usually don't like to go back to where I came from; there's a reason I left it! 🤣 That's why I believe I need a scribe to follow me around. 

Upgraded Experience of Multidimensionality and What is Spiritual Community?

      It used to be that it would take something like meditation to tune into Source, dream time to tune into Soul and human level aloneness. Now, the human perspective can initiate and just have to focus on which I want to tune into at any time, fluidly going from one to another. I can also receive experience fluidly initiated from other perspectives. Sometimes, the human perspective is tuned into multiple "other dimensions"/perspectives interacting at various levels and still maintaining a grounded human perspective. 

     One example of this was my experience of comforting a male consciousness as he released pain from childhood trauma while I danced in joy summoning oneness.

      It also occurred to me in reference to the desire to be surrounded by spiritual community; all community is made up of spirits and so is spiritual community. Even atheists are spirits determined to focus faithfully and steadfastly on a purely physical experience of themselves and the world around them. That's dedication to a spiritual path! 😉

What life is showing me about me; owning my own energy instead of someone else owning me with their energy

       Yeah; the old man again. I'm not allowing him to own my energy! As a being highly aware of the empathic connection, I used to own it/embody/believe anyone else's insecurities and judgement projected at me. I absorbed the low self esteem. I took on their disgust with me, their embarrassment, the degrading. Not so anymore.               

This was the last one I am going to have to deal with. We forget in the moment that we get that one last "gatekeeper" experience after we expand out of a state of being. 

     I was wondering why TF, after months of drawing nothing but feel good people in my experience, I get saddled with this shit again. It's so I could see, acknowledge, fully realize how I have changed. I no longer get that gut clenching self doubt and temptation to feel guilty when men react to things like me not returning their "Good morning" or feel I might be doing something I should be disgusted with myself for. 

    Time to celebrate 🥂 I not only put self esteem boosts into practice, I embodied them, began experiencing the fruit of it, see the difference in myself, fully realize it, cry release of all self doubt at the realization and pass through the portal I created. Freedom🎉

Affirmation; "Only I own my emotions and self perceptions".

     No one can make me feel embarrassed. No one can make me feel disgust. No one can make me feel ashamed. No one can make me feel stupid. No one can make me feel self-conscious. No one can make me feel hurt.

     Bad feeling emotions are as much an inside job as good feeling emotions. 

     I choose to stay in my self realization energy.

Science and Spirituality

       It occurs to me that the process to determine scientific fact is energetically the same as the American, so-called, democratic process to determine their President. 

      (I say so-called because originally we pledged allegiance to the flag and Republic (government) for which it stood)

      Candidates are presented due to hypothesis/ belief in viability, chosen according to polls/tests and experimentation resulting in anonymous voting results/ objective facts of who is, in fact the President.

      That's why they're just as contested as religions, which are established by beliefs and theories based on a limited number of experiences/test subjects determined to be fact by "educated/objective" experts/clergy/scientists/electoral representatives.

     See? All the terms are interchangeable and thus equally true....... it's all subjective, whether we agree it is or not 😉

The other common factor? Law of Attraction responding to the result that generates the most excitement; whether that excitement is positive or negative but especially if it's both(controversial). That created a new reality. Consciousness loves nothing more than the creating of a new reality to expand into and explore.

Feeling on fire with this rapid fire of insights coming in lately. My life's soundtrack pipes in:

https://youtu.be/5Nrv5teMc9Y

And...why not? (Rhetorical, obviously)

https://youtu.be/J91ti_MpdHA

Portioning Land

      As I rode to Calipatria reflecting upon sporadically introduced concepts about leadership, I felt into the various fields of farmland we were passing. One canal drop was left clogged with sticks because it was being unused during reconstruction. Large, green rectangular bales lay freshly baled in one field. One field was being left farrow, etc. 

      I felt the story of these fields. They had all been governed by one consciousness and thus had one personality. Then, as the land was portioned off and placed under the control of a differing consciousness, the land would respond either favorably or with resistance to the imposing consciousness. 

    It had always struck me how the god of Abraham, Issac and Jacob had instructed Moses on why and how the Israelites were to enter the "Promised Land". They were to kill the people of certain religions (spiritual consciousness) because they were polluting the land with their religious practices. Obviously, that god was not talking about the kind of pollution that we talk about today. The land was "flowing with milk and honey". It was a fertile, thriving land full of abundance. The land was responding well to the energy the consciousness these religions produced. The religions honored "nature spirits", the consciousness of the land. The genital mutilating god was obviously offended by such wild, "uncontrolled" manifestation of reproduction/fertility. He did say he was a jealous god. With him came famines and floods: complete imbalance. A physical manifestation of imbalanced/toxic masculine and feminine energy being embodied by that imbalanced god. 

      So now that masculine and feminine are in alignment again, land will be fertile and overflowing with "milk and honey". 

     As I let what is going on within me regarding the masculine and feminine, mother and father energies be expressed in my imagination, coupled with the image from earlier of the maze, the following song runs through my head:

https://youtu.be/cH4E_t3m3xM

Leadership and the Love Story

      I went with the older man who has been helping me to Calipatria for his mail run so I could stop at Dollar General to pick up dog food. We had made no previous plans to do this. He just came marching across the road in anger. I took a deep breath and got into playful mode in preparation for this encounter. He had messaged me two hours previously to see if I wanted to go. "Oh, hell no; we are not putting this on me!", I decided. I was writing non-stop all morning right here and my phone was inside where I couldn't hear it. After asserting a no fault perspective, he puts in(unwittingly) that he was busy fiddling with his neighbor's batteries all that time anyways. Toxic masculine can't approach a woman in anything other than self righteous anger, even if he has to make something up. A sad state of affairs I'm feeling I have to deal with before I can move along. 

      On the ride there, I was reflecting on my response to a Slab City community leader. This mashed together with my reflections on community earlier and it came to me; "To take a leadership role in a community, is to accept responsibility for our creation". Little voice piped in; "Even if it's a community of 2!". I initiated the community of the old man and myself when I asked for his help. I took the lead, he consented. I'm responsible for setting the energy. I'm the one in control. No wonder I get so put off by his controlling, abusive ways towards me! It's totally askew! I'm totally askew when I allow fear of deprivation and retaliation if I defend myself/right to determination. 

    No wonder our world is so upside down! Feminine (desire is an emotion/feeling) and generally the initiator. Feminine is thus responsible for the energy and thus it's results. 

     As I am doing all this reflecting, I am observing which body parts are resisting and not resisting to what. Wow😲 Thoughts come from brain and heart, feeling/intuition is associated with the stomach and womb. That means in a twin flame scenario when the masculine is male, he DOES literally think with the "other head" and emotionally responds with the brain! 

    No wonder the reminder of a past reflection and corresponding understanding about; "Why is it OK if you do it but not if I do?" came out of a baby daddy's mouth. It's the energy it's done in that makes a difference. In that case he was talking about someone else in an energy that created enmity towards that person. I was using someone's experience as an example to build up a situation. The problem comes in because a toxic masculine will only ever talk about a negative experience in relation to someone out of anger born of insecurity. He cannot fathom any other reason for doing so. Similarly toxic feminine wouldn't be able to fathom doing certain things for any other reason than their anger born of insecurities. Thus; they perceive the opposite sex as inevitably evil. 

      Thus, leadership in imbalance/toxicity of either masculine or feminine involves control by abuse rather than conscious choosing of energy expressions are made in. The old man was abusively taking control inappropriately. Upon understanding and realizing this; I assumed responsibility and consciously chose to embody energy more conducive to cooperation, understanding, compassion, etc as I took the lead in exchanging expressions. It ended well, if I do say so myself.

     During all this, I am picking up intuitively how mother and father energies are working out, how they are coming back into alignment within me thus "incarnating" in their original selves expanded in myself (daughter physical expression) and a male (son physical expression). So, yeah; Jesus and Morningstar incarnations on Earth.+ Crimson Circle's  "Heaven's Cross"/Revelation= New Earth timeline in effect. 

     I figure, if I can embody my desired state of being in my present energetic environment, I'm absolutely going to be able to do it anywhere. Song prompt:

https://youtu.be/2u1zK8AaHic

Every good story/movie has to have a good soundtrack 😉 

        I also realized doing all this writing of incoming understandings equals: harvest! The fall season is upon MS. Autumn 🍁 already. My physical reality is changing in accordance already as well,bid typically a bit slower...

      💥💡that physical is slower is just another spiritual/ religious belief! I CAN let go of it! I DO sense how changes can be immediate and that I AM intentionally doing it slowly with slightly increasing momentum to avoid shock to my system as well as enjoying and getting the most out of the process (now understanding the perception of the masculine/male lagging behind). We've got an eternity!

____________________________________________________

*Post by community leader on FB that I mentioned inspired my reflections above:

"BUILDER BILL SEZ: Special Series:

Slab City lives in a fragile, temporary bubble. In today's world, it's absolutely amazing that it still exists. Governments and Chambers of commerce have frowned upon us for decades.

 

So, twenty-some years ago when I built the Range, I built the whole thing in moveable modules so that if the day came (as I expected would only be a year or two), I could pack it up and move. 

Well, the day hasn't come.......But the bubble is as fragile as ever. Developers try and fail...but someday, one will succeed. A preacher wants to make Salvation Mountain his church. He'll fail... but someday, one will succeed. Town folks complain that we're a burden on society, not paying rent or taxes. they have failed... but someday they'll succeed.

About 10 years ago, State of California suggested that there might be a way for WE the People of Slab City to own the land we live on. A non-profit corporation was formed to preserve the land (Known as section 36) for all of us.

As always, fear rose above good intentions. "They're stealing or homes! They'll charge rent! They'll run us out!" were common cries. All bullshit but that's the way folks think of anything new.

Partners dropped out, fundraising failed, and the deal became less of a deal. The project stalled but it didn't die.

Last year, a new bidder appeared. Salvation Mountain Inc and Slab City Community Group Inc (Both are California registered non-profits formed by and of slabbers) made a new plan hoping to satisfy both Cal State Lands Commission and County of Imperial. Section 36 Community Land Trust was formed (of slabbers). 

Again the fear. Suspicion. Threats. Its not surprising that whenever a director or trustee quits because of threats, they'll be replaced by city folks living far away. Two quit already. ALL FOR TRYING TO SAVE YOUR ASSES."

*My response:

"If it was fragile and temporary it would not still be here. Hence; self deception leads to unconscious deception to others who would be so misled.

Something strong and long lasting doesn't need saving. Hence; more self deception which unconsciously leads to deceiving others who would so be misled.

We could all just make peace with our longevity and stop emotionally abusing one-another with our own fears."

Gateways, portals, solstice, etc.WTF!?!

      I sat here pondering once again how soon I will be able to experience that increase in ease and grace of abundance. The normal pattern of this experiential life timeline has been the god of Abraham, Issac and Jacob one. It goes like this: spring is renewal and rebirth, summer for growing/grounding the new state of being by practicing it, fall is for harvesting the full embodiment of it as well as any seeds for further expansion, and winter for the nurturing of those seeds. The Solstices, moons, eclipses, number/date gates, portals, etc were for greater leaps than slow, gradual expansion plans. (Heehee; sounds like I'm a salesperson 🤣). It's all that was on offer where I appeared to begin this life/incarnation experience, which I now know is an ever changing maze I created to keep my limitless, eternal mind occupied. 

     Back to the topic at hand; do I have to wait for fall, thus enduring another summer of over 120 degrees F in the fucking shade by making multiple trips to the hospital for emergency hydration where they hate people who live where I live (Slab City), getting flack from myself and others about who is going to care for my dogs, watch my camp, etc OR am I expanding greatly and quickly enough to draw the transition before we hit temps unfit for human survival? Recently, I had been led back to the Shaumbra spiritual family of the Crimson Circle ( https://youtube.com/@TheCrimsonCircle ) where they were gearing up for an event they were calling "Heaven's Cross" which was not associated with any astrological event but rather a result of expanding spiritual mass consciousness. Thus, the concept of expansion being dependent upon dates, seasons, astrological events, etc came into possible potential that I didn't fully realize the relevance of to my individual personal development until today. (I had dysfunctional family vibes with that group, so they never stick with me nor I them in the long run, though they did and do occasionally serve me extraordinarily well even considering the lack of overall resonance)

     The answer came with prompting from The Most Inspiring Person; Betty Guadagno in her video: https://www.youtube.com/live/s0L3RLpiBwY?feature=share 

     There, she just asked for the physical change (that I would call an experience of the tweaking of our full body VR suit because that's how I had experienced a similar reprogramming of my physical experience) that she wanted. 

     Ask and you shall receive, we've been promised. Response is immediate, we've been told. 💡: it's our belief system that determines how quickly or whether we realize/experience the answering at all and my belief system can change upon request! 

     So, I asked for a change in something and immediately, I felt the tweaking of my VR mechanism. It feels and sounds like creaks, cracks, pops,etc that accompany "inspired" movement (like the urge to crack a joint). These probably wouldn't even be necessary, however it's "god's answering voice", that we appreciate hearing. Always nice to have the reassurance that "someone is listening and cares" (even if it is personified aspects we blindfold/separate ourselves from so we can have this experience).

     As a side note; I used to get profoundly depressed upon each realization, or even suggestion, that it's all only an illusion and there is only one in existence. Presently, the gig is perpetually up, however I am able to ignore it due to the excitement of the engagement in the game. ( https://youtu.be/8z-T738ol0Y )

     Back on track: I have begun to see a speeding up of the manifestation of the desired increase of ease and grace in experiencing abundance. No, I do not have to wait until fall to get the hell out of Dodge (The Slabs), however being here IS serving me. It's the first time in immediate memory had felt like I had made friends and became a part of a community. It's the first time in immediate memory I imagined possibly taking a leading role in a community. It's where "I found the most forgiveness in the most unforgiving environment": self forgiveness, acceptance as well as the greatest amount of freedom of personal self expression of ALL aspects. I do have a "perfectionist" nature, which only means I enjoy being thorough because it's the very most exploring I can do in a specific set of circumstances/state of being😁 Absolutely nothing wrong with perfectionism even if we're exploring an imbalanced experience of it as a limitation 😉💝

    My personal quote of the day for myself inspired by this level of self acceptance is; "I'm just a god playing a game". I repeat it to myself when I accidentally knock something over, forget I didn't forget to turn something off, etc🤣

     And this is where the squirrel 🐿️ comes in for me synching up with Buddha Betty's squirrel (The Most Inspiring Person's squirrel 🐿️😄). During our morning walk, Anubis and I had come across a little dog that really just wanted to play with Anubis and she returned the sentiment. So, we played. When The Most Inspiring Person mentioned the role the squirrel played in her experience, I felt "synchronicity" and looked up the spiritual significance of the squirrel. Predominantly, it's appearance means "have more fun!". Play! My dogs have been helping me draw playfulness up out of myself alot, especially Bink. (See end for Bink story, I got a RFLMAO experience with that realization about her presence in my experience). At the moment, all this squirrel synching is asserting to me: this IS all just a game, so have some fucking fun with it! I came to be enchanted and by God I WILL! 😄 So, yeah, I picked on the guy with low self esteem and explosive aggression by not returning his "good morning" even when he aggressively repeated it then went on about how "fine, she doesn't say hi to nobody...."🤣 I may play with my"food" now and then (reow 🐈😺) I gave myself permission to be mischievous without negative repercussions 😁

     Back on topic (squirrel 🐿️ happened again; "but I digress" in deep, masculine gratuitous voice): I put down the Jehovah's Witness toy/experience of community (when I was 'supposed to' be fulfilling a soul contract 🐿️) to seek out an expanded version of spiritual community because I enjoyed it so thoroughly . That led me to expanded spirituality, which, in order to include the whole world, had to expose the game. It also meant including the difficult to put down toys like addiction, the ultimate in low self esteem and self respect....homeless, living in trash in an inhospitable to human habitation environment. Tag! You're it! 🐿️ An environment I will leave when I am darn good and ready. We're experiencing "unseasonably" "cool" (🤣 'only 105F) this year so far.....I wonder why😙 Could it have something to do with me being here in this state of being? (Yes, I am being facetious).

*Bink's role in my experience story:

     I woke horny AF one morning from a dream sequence where it was extended to me that a puppy had been left for me while I get appeared to be lifting a reddish-brown Mastiff-looking puppy out of a pen in which Anubis (my present dog) was. I sensed the extension to me that her name is Bink. It was extended to me that someone wanted to speak to me as a phone was extended to me. A sweet, feminine voice spoke in a sweet, "southern (U.S.A.) peach" accent, saying; "You are so beautiful". 

    I went unexpectedly that day where there was a puppy that looked just like the one in the dream sequence, I had great sex, and another woman told me she had always thought I was beautiful. 

   When Bink was old enough, I brought her home. She is the goofiest puppy I have ever known in my immediate memory. She's extremely large, lanky, puppy clumsy and always with the tongue lolling out. The tip of her tongue even continues to protrude, all dried out, while she sleeps. She's timid and runs and hide when another human or dog approaches, at sudden noises and movements, etc; even if it's behind Anubis, who is 1/4 Bink's size. 

   So, I was sitting on the toilet the other day when I did the usual response to her having to be in that tight space with me; recite her nicknames. For some reason (apparent now), I said; "Ja Ja Binks" and 🔔. Jar Jar Binks! The Star Wars character that just cracked me up! The ancestors/higher self (how I perceived those aspects of self I have myself presently blindered from) had given me my very own Jar Jar Binks 🤣 "How rich!"; I rolled around laughing repeatedly as hit me throughout the rest of the day 🤣 Me laughing that hard made me laugh even further 🤣 I do delight in myself these days 🤗

The King and Queen Discover How They Work Together ; a love story of eternity, why we personify qualities , why we forget things and why community

      Yesterday I wanted to experience a state of being; "I am surrounded by spiritual community". I couldn't remember what that felt like in order to create that experience for myself. I didn't know what it would feel or look like for me. That's what usually prevents us from changing/expanding; fear of the unknown. I got over that fear because being conscious of my intentions, it's always guarantees to be better feeling than what I am already remembering experiencing.

      I observed the subtle play within as the mind/masculine summoned the wanted through it being unwanted and thus buried very deep, summoned the feeling of being surrounded by spiritual community so it could be desired by the feminine/heart/feeling aspects and thus created/drawn into "our" experience. 

    The masculine/mind declares it's self "I Am"(summoning aspects into "the light", forth for experiencing, witnessing, observing, etc) while the feminine aspect simply is.... everything and complies because his wants ARE his desires and they exist eternally in service to one-another.

      So, back to the want that became a desire that is being drawn forth as an experience:

     The next morning, the process of rectifying ourselves(we personify various aspects so they are relatable experientially and thus attainable/understandable💥💡) and that was followed by remembering we had been Jehovah's Witnesses at one point in this experience timeline. We DO know what it feels like to be part of a spiritual family! What ours looks like at this state of consciousness is the only mystery (which we likely intentionally keep 'unknown' so we can authentically experience surprise and delight💥💡)

     We can only remember the feeling of being surrounded by spiritual community if we've rectified ourselves to the experience of being Jehovah's Witnesses, which we had! 🎉 I and my daughter were the darlings of the congregation, the example the elders wanted their children to be around. I felt perfect🤗 I HAVE felt that within myself lately 🥰 

     I had felt the reaching down deep, as if something was squeezing down from the higher aspects/upper portion of my body into my belly/womb area (triggers genitals, BTW, which we duly warmly embrace but refocus on intended task at hand). The JW experience was drawn out of there as well as the "Rectifying Myself to Love" blog post before this one. 

     I woke to a FB friend request being accepted and message response from same person*; that was the person who reintroduced me to the concept of how beneficial being surrounded by spiritual community can be. It's fortifying to our chosen experiential reality. It sustains the integrity of our reality bubble. 

    So exciting!

    *I did obtain permission to mention the Most Inspiring Person (title of honor I choose) whose interview triggered this community experience for me:

On Facebook- Betty Guadagno

The interview - https://youtu.be/d012lxq7rOw

Rectifying Myself to Love

      One of the most challenging things we face, pretty much impossibly in youth, is knowing that love is there, feeling it, sensing it and yet the listener doesn't understand us, a thing we're doing, a thing we're saying. We get so focused on the frustration of not being understood (perceiving that we are being prevented from sharing our full self, which is love) that we cease to feel, know, sense love at all. 

     So it is that we get stuck in the belief that no one understands us. We then believe that's because we aren't good/smart/evolved enough to understand or that they are the lesser ones. We fail to see the forest for the trees and separate ourselves, isolate ourselves from everyone even in close relationships. 

     I released myself from that this morning and as I did, the sense that not only will I be at peace and able to sense/share love with those who don't get a word I am saying, but that someone who DOES understand can now come in.

    Unconditional love 💝

It came in during mischievous play with my dogs. They're so good for me 🤗

And the above is why we are told no one needs to understand us other than us😁

As a side note; just because they don't respond how we want/expect them to (we don't even respond to things the way we want or expect ourselves to) it does not mean they don't love or understand. They can understand the frustration, even if they can't understand what we're trying to explain. Maybe they need it explained in a different way (which denotes no inferiority on either part) or they want/need to discover it for themselves or even at a later date. We can just love and move along to the next topic. 

Memory snippets

      I used Facebook as a journal while wandering the national forests during my exploration of my inner dark forests. Binders full of writings couldn't be carried in a backpack😉 (aka rucksack)

     Facebook likes to suggest memories on the daily and I finally got a phone I can tend to this blog again on. So, here are some of those insightful (for that time) posts that came up in FB memories of late.

 -    When we are young our heartfelt requests expressed by the question "why?" are the childhood prayers answered by our adulthood. When we find ourselves acting like our parents or ill like someone we saw during childhood, etc. we are walking in another's shoes....... for that which we call God knows understanding only comes when we walk in another's shoes. Once we realize this, we can remind ourselves the shoes we are walking in are not ours, we placed them upon our feet so we could understand those who wore them before us, and we can begin walking in our own shoes again, creating a life walking on our own unique path of purpose and personal joy. -

-Of course, it had to get worse beg it could get better, 🤣 Love them highs, though and love remembering what a good mom I am.(today's comment on the following memory)

When you're a 45 year old woman who has seen and experienced it all in a worldly way, with a body that shows it and you're walking down the road joining the song your children made up in the moment: "we love walking down the road holding hands, I love my mommy and she loves me".....and hot younger men stop in their tracks to wave at  you until you wave back.....you know you've hit your spiritual stride and the face of this world is changing to match it. And as you experience this perfection of experience with deep abiding appreciation, it can only get better than this.-

    -True; not disturbing it, just triggering the awareness of the ignoring of the disturbance😉 (Today's comment on the following memory)

One cannot be guilty of disturbing the peace of an occupied area of consciousness if the area is not at peace within it's occupying consciousnesses. (Whether it be a home, community, state, country, etc)-

     -Fuck, yeah... getting blunt🤣

People used to comment on my patience in admiration. I told them it wasn't patience at all, it was a talent for distracting myself, self entertaining. I do not want to be admired for how much suffering I can endure. I would rather be admired about the ease and grace with which I create a life of vibrant abundance of love, joy, health, well-being, wisdom, perception, etc. 

Wow, I do so love me🤗 (Today's comment on the following memory)

Patience is another word for endurance.

Does our self-proclaimed "strong", "grown" ass have the strength and maturity to endure our perceived suffering supposedly caused by awaiting an answer, result, end?-

    -Holy crap! The subconscious has been trying to tell me we're in a virtual reality rpg for years now and it's my purpose to discover how we got here! 🤣 (Yesterday's comment on following memory)

How strange:

From my sleep I brought with me a series of letters I thought I should look up when I woke.

They were: "eresi".

Upon doing a search, it turns out to be the name of a reverse engineering software interface.

Also is one letter shy of a word or name associated with an apocalyptic movie series.-

-Back in June, 2015

"I no longer choose righteousness, I choose "rightness", as in "this feels so right". "-

What's up in the universe?

       Upon my first awakening to oneness experience, I became a clear conscious channel for each monthly expansion of consciousness (every 29 1/2 days that green energy goes down and brings more christ consciousness back up to the third eye). I would wake each morning and first thing record in my Yahoo blog the understandings coming through. The one who was to be my twin flame in this life would be messaging me; "I know you're awake; I can feel you". I would not answer him until I had written everything down that the energy was bringing in within me. He said he read my blog each morning like others read the newspaper to see what is going on in the world. I used to lament that all the other monthly channels were corrupted by their belief systems, whereas mine were not and not only that; they were making a butt load of money and I did not!

      At the same time, I was wondering what good it did for us on Earth to know what angel is whom and plays such and such a role. I wondered what would ease our walk on Earth, stop the suffering, etc. Give me something practical, damn it! I also wanted messages for myself instead of just being able to channel messages for everyone else whose lives improved thanks to the messages I channelled for them; "what about me?".

    I was led to get the book "Women Who Run With Wolves" and went into the "dark forest" of my soul to find the answers within (where we're always guided to look for anyways). The book was helpful in guiding me in how to do that. 

   I received the message that was shown to me this: I was summoned by one to go to "Jesus". I asked why I didn't receive the message directly. She pulled my right hand toward herself, turned it palm up to show me the wound there. The wound, it's pain was the message being sent. The pain was the summoning. (The pain is the calling, our calling, our purpose; in seeking release from the pain, we show the way for others out of their own....we bring forth the answers we were seeking, our seeking is the service we are called to...first to our own and then to others)

     I received the awareness that I was a guide to the spirit guides. The ones guiding humanity were looking to me for guidance/answers. 

     I had an experience of the clan leader of "The Pure Ones" revealing to me how and why my purpose was to be the object of obsession for the god of Abraham, Issac and Jacob to wake him up to the fact that the Earth has it's own consciousness; it's just too subtle for him to sense/see/be aware of. My making third choices where "he" could only see two and believe he had me cornered would also introduce him to/make him aware of the divine feminine that is his mother and I know as "The Dance". (Now I understand it to mean that I was to demonstrate the existence and wisdom existing in intuition/the divine feminine aspects to a divine masculine aspect).

    I went and got lost in the literal, physical, Earthly forests as well. I got out of the spiritual guru business. I experienced the darkest of dark nights of the soul; suicidal thoughts and eventually an attempt. I was broken out of it with fresh perceptions of myself and people around me. I experienced a first twitch of sensation, a first breath.....rebirthing. The latest was the release of the father God figure reaching soul recognition within me and my recording my interactions with a man and how I was handling it. 

    If I was still in the state of being as when I was in my channeling 'what's up on Earth' phase; I would have written that the Earth could rejoice because it was now free of that abusive god of Abraham, Issac and Jacob (and Jesus and Mohamed and....). I would have still been whining; "What about for me?". 

    Now I know that all that "seer" stuff is what is going on in me as I become one with the moments in which they are occurring within that one moment of realization of the desire to know what "I" look like. Not everyone is an extension of that desire. Some came in as desires triggered/initiated by that desire or another. It is only amongst those who have been birthed by the "Wonder what I look like" desire, directly or indirectly, (such as my twin flame) who will experience seeing the things I "prophesy" as coming true. Others could be on completely different timelines, bumping into our own due to brief common vibration, soul contracts, desires to serve, desires to understand, desires to experience, etc. Otherwise we all exist in our own, solitary bubble; whole and complete as is. 

A Happy Father's Day story for Rusty and Cort

(And for any children and biological parents in separation)

This was the Happy Father's Day story I wanted to gift you all with:

My Facebook memory prompt for the day was about Rusty running around the apartment yelling out how she was feeling so free. It reminded me, as well, of how Cort would climb to the highest point he could find, raise his arms high and shout at the top of his lungs; "We have the best life ever!".
After 10 years of my intentional celibacy for the purpose of becoming self aware, more emotionally healthy, rewiring my own neuropathways from negative to positive..... Cort and Rusty came to me and asked why it was just us three. " Because I wanted to wait until I was able to attract a man that would be good to all of us. You want a man to be part of our family?"; I asked. "Yes"; they answered in unison. I tried the online dating, I tried to date men I met who were interested. None of them fit the bill. After I had given up hope of finding one, life stepped in and made Rusty and Cort's dream come true and there is no greater joy in the world than to see children's dreams come true 💝 Especially if making the children's dream come true makes a family of two adults dreams come true all at the same time!
Blessed Father's Day to you all!
 

Why bad things happen to good people

      To be heros, whether it be someone else's or our own; we need something to be saved from. That's how childhood fantasies create miserable adult realities..oopsie! We did it to ourselves while listening to stories, then watching TV and movies😲

     Of course, that's not the only reason. There's negative beliefs we have of ourselves, soul contracts, soul purposes, creativity(wouldn't it be wild if.....?, we ask our friends....), etc. We can't forget those wake-up calls from the universe; that vice will tighten, things will get worse until we can't take anymore and start to ask questions. 

     It's like the number of answers to "Why are we here?". There was an initiating desire, intentions we call purpose, etc and any mix thereof. We like to say; "kill two birds with one stone". We're here killing an unlimited number of "birds" with each "stone". It looks like chaos, but it's a very finely intentionally and unintentionally orchestrated dance💃

Imitation; the greatest form of flattery?

 Imitating me predominantly irritates me; get your own gig, man! And yet I imitate things I see that make my life easier, more enjoyable, etc. 🤣 I justify that with; "I add my own little twist" and "I expand on it".....with; "they aren't doing it right/in the same vibe" when I am imitated....wee little hypocrite that lived within. I see it. Gig is up. Tag; she's it! 

'Be no part of the world'

 "We can take our ego out of Babylon but have we taken Babylon out of our ego?"-Stacey Marie Bourdeau

People like to separate themselves from mainstream society by clothing, language, location, etc, however it does not mean they have truly left the world. Their language is just different words for the same thing. Persecution complexes and martyrdom are just other forms of victim mentality. They're just presented as righteous. Religious leaders are just another form of government for those who are not self-governed(disciplined and self aware). 

What I have noticed about myself the past few days:

When I look upon confusion; I become confused, upon misunderstanding; I misunderstand. It's immediate these days 😲 Emphasizes my need for me to mind my own business to remain in clarity.

I can't even get curious about Babylon these days or even consider, talk, write about it these days. 

I can't do beliefs/teachings anymore, either. Yes, I wake up with an answer to a wondering such as! "The consciousness is the programming of the matrix" and then it all goes haywire, losing any sense. "Oh! Duh! I wondered as if there is something I didn't know, which says I don't know and according to the law of attraction I cannot know'🤣 

💡 If the initiating desire is; "I wonder what I look like", then as scripture in the bible says; "One cannot look upon the face of God and live"😲🤣 I predominantly don't wonder what I look like. I don't look in mirrors, take selfies or video self because I don't want to criticize my face; it's not nice. I want to be be nice to myself. 

Note to self: stop wondering!

💡When I analyze others, I am criticizing them....not nice. In theory of oneness, I am analyzing myself.....not being nice to myself. 

Note to self: stop analyzing! 

When I do so, I get a feeling of excitement at the prospect of exploring life and the sense of excitement leaves because I noticed/observed/analyzed the feeling response to not analyzing🤣 We HAVE created hell and embodying a physical reality is it! 

Note to self: get the fuck out of observer mode! It served, it's no longer serving- thank you Observer for playing.....delete! delete! delete! Which law of attraction considers wanting more of because I focused so much energy on trying to delete🤣

It's a mind fuck.....and hysterically fun in an ironic way🤣

Then comes; "shit! Notes to self are beliefs of what I can and cannot do" and previewing the post I had to answer the sensitive content warning I set so I didn't have to worry it trigger warnings or get "cancelled" for offensive words or occasional expressions about sex......🤣 Introduced low dose of fear into my every blog post😲🤣

What now, brown cow.....