"Wolf Woman Spirit;
An untold history of Livingston"
As told by Stacey Bourdeau
-----------------------------------
She played in the winds and sang beneath the moon
She splashed in the waters of her river
She frolicked like children in their skin
A people came
Refugees from another land
She didn't much like them
They brought other spirits with them
It was not so much fun to share a home
that was once all her own
But occasionally, in their skin,
she could play
She could dance around their fires with them
And she still had her wolves to play in
These people at least respected them
Called them a totem
She still had a voice with which to sing
She still had a voice with which to cry
She still had teeth with which to defend
Then another people came
They were not the same
They scattered and killed
What was there before them
She could not dance with them
In their skin
They cast her out
They called The Communion possession
They called her a demon
Still, she wandered her valley
Watching
Being angry
Frustration with lack of ability of communication
Letting her anger be known through possession
Aggravating strife in the men and the women
Letting the devastation of her home
Be the devastation of them
Then one day came a woman
And her children
They howled like wolves as they viewed the mountains
From off the swings and climbing stones of the playground
This caught the Wolf Woman Spirit's attention
She swooped down from her hills
She entered them
She delighted in appalled response of the spirit males
brought by those devastating humans
who disrespect all that is female
to those wild howls by a woman and children
Wolf Woman Spirit's mind was not twisted
in the mind of this woman or her children
As it had been in the rest
The woman shared her knowledge
of healing and bringing peace
to spirits
with Wolf Woman Spirit
When in her children the invitation to play
delivered as it is by wolf cubs
came
It frightened the other children
In the woman there was no judgement
There was no horrification at the behavior
or other children's frightened responses to it
There was understanding and peace instead
That woman stayed a year in Livingston
In Wolf Woman Spirit's land
Then the anger came again
Shared with her by Wolf Woman Spirit
So she could understand
When they killed off her wolves,
They took her voice
They took her teeth
She could no longer warn them
She could no longer sing
In her river, she could no longer swim
So, the woman agreed
to be her voice
To sing with her the song of mourning
That needed to be heard
The loss of her voice
The loss of the wolves
The Wolf Woman Spirit found peace that day
She had a voice again
And her anger went away.
She could now tell the herstory of Livingston.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Thursday, July 6, 2017
When no means no and when it don't.
"Would you consider friends with benefits?"
"That is in essence, what a romantic relationship is, isn't it?"
"Yes, but I like the 'benefits' to come sooner rather than later."
"So, you're just propositioning me for sex? My profile says I'm holding out for something in particular. I am not a liar and so your proposition was doomed from the beginning. Why did you set yourself up for failure?"
No response.
That's OK, I didn't need an answer. It's because he was hoping I'd be unfaithful. In his mind he wasn't setting himself up for failure and my changing my mind is not perceived as the act of unfaithfulness it is. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be accommodating. I'm supposed to give in to cajoling. Alot of men feel the same way about themselves as well. In men, however, to change one's mind to do what one really didn't want to to begin with is perceived as being generous, magnanimous. Ever watch a little girl get what she wants from her father? She'll grow up and do it to other men, too. No never means no in our society. A child says no and the parents try everything to convince them to cooperate. Say no to going to school, eating your vegetables, wearing 'appropriate' clothes and the assault begins. They don't see it as the assault it is, however. It's conniving, convincing, threatening and anything but allowing no to mean no. So, they go into the world and having learned that they can get whatever they want if they persist enough, they do not allow other people's no to mean no either. Such respect feels 'unnatural' after so many no violations. Then they become rapists, forcing consent out of intended victims who learned when they were young that their no cannot remain a no. These victims do not perceive their victim-hood, however, because their turning their no to a yes delivers to them the power of relief for both parties. It makes a man magnanimous. It makes a woman a good, nice girl.
It can be so much different when nos are allowed to remain nos without any questions asked of them, no efforts made to change them. And the difference is interactions with deep respect, feelings of safety and security within one's self as well as in the world, a sense of freedom and the right to self determination. It is a key to self empowerment and empowerment of others. It is the essence of truly loving relationships.
"That is in essence, what a romantic relationship is, isn't it?"
"Yes, but I like the 'benefits' to come sooner rather than later."
"So, you're just propositioning me for sex? My profile says I'm holding out for something in particular. I am not a liar and so your proposition was doomed from the beginning. Why did you set yourself up for failure?"
No response.
That's OK, I didn't need an answer. It's because he was hoping I'd be unfaithful. In his mind he wasn't setting himself up for failure and my changing my mind is not perceived as the act of unfaithfulness it is. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be accommodating. I'm supposed to give in to cajoling. Alot of men feel the same way about themselves as well. In men, however, to change one's mind to do what one really didn't want to to begin with is perceived as being generous, magnanimous. Ever watch a little girl get what she wants from her father? She'll grow up and do it to other men, too. No never means no in our society. A child says no and the parents try everything to convince them to cooperate. Say no to going to school, eating your vegetables, wearing 'appropriate' clothes and the assault begins. They don't see it as the assault it is, however. It's conniving, convincing, threatening and anything but allowing no to mean no. So, they go into the world and having learned that they can get whatever they want if they persist enough, they do not allow other people's no to mean no either. Such respect feels 'unnatural' after so many no violations. Then they become rapists, forcing consent out of intended victims who learned when they were young that their no cannot remain a no. These victims do not perceive their victim-hood, however, because their turning their no to a yes delivers to them the power of relief for both parties. It makes a man magnanimous. It makes a woman a good, nice girl.
It can be so much different when nos are allowed to remain nos without any questions asked of them, no efforts made to change them. And the difference is interactions with deep respect, feelings of safety and security within one's self as well as in the world, a sense of freedom and the right to self determination. It is a key to self empowerment and empowerment of others. It is the essence of truly loving relationships.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Unexpected bliss!
As a parent more inclined to "Radical Whole life Unschooling" than any other style of parenting, I did my usual:
If the one with a "problem" with the state of things happens to be me, than I'm, the one with a problem. Any action to change the "problem" is thus solely up to me; the one with the problem.
Property manger will be coming in tomorrow with the Orkin guy in their usual bi-monthly invasion of our space. Cool. Cleaned up the one or two pieces of discarded clothes in my and vacuumed. When my son woke, I then picked up discarded toys and vacuumed his room. I cleaned the bathroom. When my daughter woke, I gave her the choice; me or you? I picked up the clutter in her room and vacuumed. The hallway was cared for. I took a break after leaving the children with my intention for the day without demand or expectation.
Zoned out in writing, it took a bit for her to get me out of it, but when she did:
Holy fuck! My living room was cleaned up of the toy clutter!
I danced as I vacuumed. Open, clean, clear spaces, to me, are like water.
Now, Please pardon me as I let my inner Valkyrie loose on our Gilbert who thought it might be O.K. to shut my daughter out of a room in her safe space/her home. Yeah, run. I'm about to screech in an unholy manner.......
If the one with a "problem" with the state of things happens to be me, than I'm, the one with a problem. Any action to change the "problem" is thus solely up to me; the one with the problem.
Property manger will be coming in tomorrow with the Orkin guy in their usual bi-monthly invasion of our space. Cool. Cleaned up the one or two pieces of discarded clothes in my and vacuumed. When my son woke, I then picked up discarded toys and vacuumed his room. I cleaned the bathroom. When my daughter woke, I gave her the choice; me or you? I picked up the clutter in her room and vacuumed. The hallway was cared for. I took a break after leaving the children with my intention for the day without demand or expectation.
Zoned out in writing, it took a bit for her to get me out of it, but when she did:
Holy fuck! My living room was cleaned up of the toy clutter!
I danced as I vacuumed. Open, clean, clear spaces, to me, are like water.
Now, Please pardon me as I let my inner Valkyrie loose on our Gilbert who thought it might be O.K. to shut my daughter out of a room in her safe space/her home. Yeah, run. I'm about to screech in an unholy manner.......
Sunday, July 2, 2017
The nature of a competitive mentality in personal relationships
One of the first things taught to children in our society comes in preschool: compare and contrast. We add to that cartoons full of good guys verses bad guys, nice girls verses mean girls, sports and so called "healthy competition". The brain is conditioned to always analyze if something is bigger or better in some way, and then to be better, bigger, nicer, smarter, etc. than that which we are observing or interacting with. In such relationships, one does not simply say "no thank you". What is being heard is "you are less than". The response is to crush the competition, which just declared it's self bigger, better, nicer, smarter, or whatever by saying participation is not desired. The expression of not desiring participation eliciting such a response can be about such insignificant things as what one wants to eat. If you don't want to eat what they like to eat, you've declared them, in their distorted reception, less than; even if no such judgement is occurring. In such a world, there are no simple preferences, there is only competition, measuring, judgement (comparing and contrasting). There is no peace. Every relationship is a war zone, a struggling to force conformity or making one's self "less than" to avoid being crushed. We would call that abuser and victim. Both of them seeking to control the other's behavior by being the stronger or by appearing to be the weaker.
The solution to this struggle is to bring realization that no one truly wants that. People seek one another out for the purpose of resolution, to share loving expressions, to find peace and happiness. Accepting that about one another can clear those receptors, so preferences can be heard not as judgments, just simple preferences which add the variety and spice to life that make it so colorful and interesting. It allows for the enchantment we seek. It transitions us from a perceived needing to devour one another to an ecstatic savoring of each other.
Sounds sexy to me!
The solution to this struggle is to bring realization that no one truly wants that. People seek one another out for the purpose of resolution, to share loving expressions, to find peace and happiness. Accepting that about one another can clear those receptors, so preferences can be heard not as judgments, just simple preferences which add the variety and spice to life that make it so colorful and interesting. It allows for the enchantment we seek. It transitions us from a perceived needing to devour one another to an ecstatic savoring of each other.
Sounds sexy to me!
Friday, June 16, 2017
A Woman and Her Age
Synchronistically, I read a post on Facebook about how a woman is always being asked how she stays looking so young and she had no answer to that, no beauty treatment or dietary suggestions. I could relate to that. This was immediately followed by yet another man telling me I looked young for my age.
Answers to both came to me:
1) Integrity within a person shows in the body keeping it's integrity. The body is an expression/extension of the spirit, soul, etc.
2) Telling a woman she looks young for her age is an insult on so many levels, these men cannot even imagine. If one wants to express a strong impression of a woman's appearance in relation to her chronological age, one could say "You make your age look amazing/desirable/good".
So why is it an insult? To say one looks "young" is to say one looks like society's 'ideal'; immature, unaware of one's self, ungrounded in one's self, looking to be acceptable, primped, worked on, manipulated, painted....and for those of us enjoying our maturity, groundedness, self awareness, wisdom........we have no desire to be young again. Secondly, "for your age" denotes a certain liability for being that age: "you look good despite this thing which is undesirable" . This denotes the presence of undesirability, no matter how much "good looking" exists. When maturity comes with age, age is an absolute asset in a companion and lover, a friend and mother.
To tell a woman she makes an age desirable/look good is to tell her you see her integrity, her desirability, her increased value. You attribute to her the "super power", the ability, to thrive and glean from life everything of value, making her perceptive, discerning and thus more than capable. You see her creating value in something that naturally occurs and could be so much worse. She is setting a higher standard, being a ground-breaker, a rebel by simply being true to her.
When one can see and fully grasp all that, then their compliment holds value.
Answers to both came to me:
1) Integrity within a person shows in the body keeping it's integrity. The body is an expression/extension of the spirit, soul, etc.
2) Telling a woman she looks young for her age is an insult on so many levels, these men cannot even imagine. If one wants to express a strong impression of a woman's appearance in relation to her chronological age, one could say "You make your age look amazing/desirable/good".
So why is it an insult? To say one looks "young" is to say one looks like society's 'ideal'; immature, unaware of one's self, ungrounded in one's self, looking to be acceptable, primped, worked on, manipulated, painted....and for those of us enjoying our maturity, groundedness, self awareness, wisdom........we have no desire to be young again. Secondly, "for your age" denotes a certain liability for being that age: "you look good despite this thing which is undesirable" . This denotes the presence of undesirability, no matter how much "good looking" exists. When maturity comes with age, age is an absolute asset in a companion and lover, a friend and mother.
To tell a woman she makes an age desirable/look good is to tell her you see her integrity, her desirability, her increased value. You attribute to her the "super power", the ability, to thrive and glean from life everything of value, making her perceptive, discerning and thus more than capable. You see her creating value in something that naturally occurs and could be so much worse. She is setting a higher standard, being a ground-breaker, a rebel by simply being true to her.
When one can see and fully grasp all that, then their compliment holds value.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
The nature spirits and the 8 year old's "Why?!"
The dance of the spiral comes again to my eight year version...ready to romp and play and love and delight. There is no doubt they are just right, made as they should be, perceiving correctly, wild and free, experiencing no limitations. It's all just a game.
I took the children to the park. They are never interested in the playground equipment very much. Nope, it's down to the fast moving, ungroomed side of the river we go!
As we descended down the bank amongst the reeds and wild things, my imaginings were invaded by images of snakes and such things, for my children it was bear they thought they had heard and would see....."Nature spirits trying to scare me", I think. It stops immediately. I was on to their gig. Then came the question that so resonates with the eight year old version of me, and one my son asked recently..."WHY?!", a pleading for some deep, higher purpose for the pruning, the shaping, the instructing, the tearing up and devastating so not understood by the eight year old human and youngest of the trees who sees this happening on the other side of the river.......there is no honest answer that would suffice. We answer all right..fear, control....but the only answer that would suffice would be if it ceased to happen, that all things would be allowed to grow wild and free. That is why I sacrifice anything it takes to "radically whole life unschool" my children, interfere as little as possible, allowing them their own beliefs, perceptions, sleeping patterns, eating habits, etc.
The children covered themselves in mud, Cort in showing me how to camouflage one's self and Rusty in just slipping and sliding about on the banks, doing her usual squat style sitting. The one thing the park does have that does draw us is huge old-style metal swings. The climate won't accommodate the cheap stuff, so the swing sets are big enough and tough enough to take a grown ass adult swinging as high as I can get them...flying! So, we dried off swinging on the swings. I took these nature spirits with me. It was not so big a thing to them, not a real reason for cutting down their friends. That weightlessness we feel while swinging, it's their perpetual state of being, even amidst the depression they feel when a human being comes near them. Just like young children can't overpower adults, the trees cannot overpower human machines. There can be playing on fears, causing fighting amongst them, but when it comes to physical power, we are helpless against them. So, in companionship, we swang. I laid face down, spread eagle upon the grass, drawing in deeply the smell of the earth beneath me as the children dug in the sand.
We came home eventually, the children quickly falling to sleep. I sat outside and even though it had not rained, I saw a rainbow in the sky and I heard "Thank you". Just like I am with my children at 8 and 9 yrs old, I make no excuses, no justifications, not trying to talk anyone out of their sense of injustice, especially when it is the same as mine. A desire to be no where near fellow humans still lingers......I realize that is probably why at 8 years old as I fell from the top of a tree, it's branches had cradled me so that my landing was soft and without injury, why the ground always seemed to rise to meet my feet and I could romp and play without any real injury from anything. Nature and I were resonating, as one in our "WHY?!" declaration of the injustice we felt we were experiencing. It also helped me let go, feel safer not "helicopter parenting" my children while we were there..they're resonating with nature with their "WHY?!" declaration...and yes, when we got home, they were both "Just leave me alone".......not wanting anything from another human being.
I took the children to the park. They are never interested in the playground equipment very much. Nope, it's down to the fast moving, ungroomed side of the river we go!
As we descended down the bank amongst the reeds and wild things, my imaginings were invaded by images of snakes and such things, for my children it was bear they thought they had heard and would see....."Nature spirits trying to scare me", I think. It stops immediately. I was on to their gig. Then came the question that so resonates with the eight year old version of me, and one my son asked recently..."WHY?!", a pleading for some deep, higher purpose for the pruning, the shaping, the instructing, the tearing up and devastating so not understood by the eight year old human and youngest of the trees who sees this happening on the other side of the river.......there is no honest answer that would suffice. We answer all right..fear, control....but the only answer that would suffice would be if it ceased to happen, that all things would be allowed to grow wild and free. That is why I sacrifice anything it takes to "radically whole life unschool" my children, interfere as little as possible, allowing them their own beliefs, perceptions, sleeping patterns, eating habits, etc.
The children covered themselves in mud, Cort in showing me how to camouflage one's self and Rusty in just slipping and sliding about on the banks, doing her usual squat style sitting. The one thing the park does have that does draw us is huge old-style metal swings. The climate won't accommodate the cheap stuff, so the swing sets are big enough and tough enough to take a grown ass adult swinging as high as I can get them...flying! So, we dried off swinging on the swings. I took these nature spirits with me. It was not so big a thing to them, not a real reason for cutting down their friends. That weightlessness we feel while swinging, it's their perpetual state of being, even amidst the depression they feel when a human being comes near them. Just like young children can't overpower adults, the trees cannot overpower human machines. There can be playing on fears, causing fighting amongst them, but when it comes to physical power, we are helpless against them. So, in companionship, we swang. I laid face down, spread eagle upon the grass, drawing in deeply the smell of the earth beneath me as the children dug in the sand.
We came home eventually, the children quickly falling to sleep. I sat outside and even though it had not rained, I saw a rainbow in the sky and I heard "Thank you". Just like I am with my children at 8 and 9 yrs old, I make no excuses, no justifications, not trying to talk anyone out of their sense of injustice, especially when it is the same as mine. A desire to be no where near fellow humans still lingers......I realize that is probably why at 8 years old as I fell from the top of a tree, it's branches had cradled me so that my landing was soft and without injury, why the ground always seemed to rise to meet my feet and I could romp and play without any real injury from anything. Nature and I were resonating, as one in our "WHY?!" declaration of the injustice we felt we were experiencing. It also helped me let go, feel safer not "helicopter parenting" my children while we were there..they're resonating with nature with their "WHY?!" declaration...and yes, when we got home, they were both "Just leave me alone".......not wanting anything from another human being.
The adventure with Gilbert continues
"Hi Stacey!" He stretches his hand out for a hand shake. I notice very quickly the buzzer he's trying to conceal. This is one of my personal boundaries: do not come at me with the agenda to get ANY sort of reaction from me! Don't "try" to make me laugh or scream or jump out of my skin. Do not try to trick me or impress me with magic tricks. I'm not your plaything and your discontent with my present state of being is your problem. If I need to feel my sadness or anger or frustration at any moment, do not try to take that from me because you want to see me smile so you don't feel so bad.......and if you do just want a playmate, get consent!
"No, thank you Gilbert, I don't like my hand getting buzzed like that".
He pushed it into my back anyways.
He did not respect my clear no.
Gilbert and I sat down for the talk.
Sympathetically: "Adults are always doing things to you even after you say 'no', aren't they Gilbert?"
He nods.
"It doesn't feel good does it?".
"No."
"I don't blame you. I don't like it either. You don't have to be like them, did you know that? You can respect other people's 'no'."
He thought about it and nodded; true, it occurs to him.
"Do you think that from now on you can respect it when I say 'no'?"
Big grin from Gilbert, nodding of the head.
"O.K., then...buzzer hand shake on it"..the damn grin! lol He wound that little thing up and up and up and proudly held out his hand and we "buzzer shook" on it, lol
"No, thank you Gilbert, I don't like my hand getting buzzed like that".
He pushed it into my back anyways.
He did not respect my clear no.
Gilbert and I sat down for the talk.
Sympathetically: "Adults are always doing things to you even after you say 'no', aren't they Gilbert?"
He nods.
"It doesn't feel good does it?".
"No."
"I don't blame you. I don't like it either. You don't have to be like them, did you know that? You can respect other people's 'no'."
He thought about it and nodded; true, it occurs to him.
"Do you think that from now on you can respect it when I say 'no'?"
Big grin from Gilbert, nodding of the head.
"O.K., then...buzzer hand shake on it"..the damn grin! lol He wound that little thing up and up and up and proudly held out his hand and we "buzzer shook" on it, lol
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Gilbert's wave
Gilbert waved to me.
It's a precious, very much worked for thing.
I don't know why I did it in my spare time, but I did.
He was always so guarded and suspicious. He was like the worst trouble making kid. He expected to be yelled at and criticized in every moment. I approached him with mere "hello" and let it go, his look one so suspicious. I'd catch him being destructive and simply approach with "Hey, Gilbert, what we doing?" He'd say it. "Think we should try to do something different?". "yeah", he said....and he would. I still said "Hi" every time he walked by. Then one day I saw him do something, a 'trick' and land on his ass. His mom started yelling at him "So stupid! What were you thinking?! You sacred me!". She looked to me; "That's what kids do, you're O.K. Gilbert". She eventually gave me part of their story: she had been 'happily' married for many years when Gilbert's father, her husband, had died. She was a mess. I don't think she was all together before that...did come out that she had spent time with husband homeless before Gilbert....I had met her older son, Gilbert's brother....he wore the mannerisms of one marked by doing drugs, upset due to experiencing prejudice because of the color of his skin (he's part Mexican, living in the wild, very white, west).......
Today Gilbert was not terrorizing other children's toys, he was playing with a remote control vehicle all his own. I was so happy for him. Before I could wave and wait to see if he would wave back, he waved first instead. He told me of this remote control vehicle, it's uniqueness and I told him how cool it was and how happy I was for him.
Spare time shenanigans really can mean something in the end......
It's a precious, very much worked for thing.
I don't know why I did it in my spare time, but I did.
He was always so guarded and suspicious. He was like the worst trouble making kid. He expected to be yelled at and criticized in every moment. I approached him with mere "hello" and let it go, his look one so suspicious. I'd catch him being destructive and simply approach with "Hey, Gilbert, what we doing?" He'd say it. "Think we should try to do something different?". "yeah", he said....and he would. I still said "Hi" every time he walked by. Then one day I saw him do something, a 'trick' and land on his ass. His mom started yelling at him "So stupid! What were you thinking?! You sacred me!". She looked to me; "That's what kids do, you're O.K. Gilbert". She eventually gave me part of their story: she had been 'happily' married for many years when Gilbert's father, her husband, had died. She was a mess. I don't think she was all together before that...did come out that she had spent time with husband homeless before Gilbert....I had met her older son, Gilbert's brother....he wore the mannerisms of one marked by doing drugs, upset due to experiencing prejudice because of the color of his skin (he's part Mexican, living in the wild, very white, west).......
Today Gilbert was not terrorizing other children's toys, he was playing with a remote control vehicle all his own. I was so happy for him. Before I could wave and wait to see if he would wave back, he waved first instead. He told me of this remote control vehicle, it's uniqueness and I told him how cool it was and how happy I was for him.
Spare time shenanigans really can mean something in the end......
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Getting to know my lilac sprig and other greens.
Having loved the smell of lilac but not wanting to cut them off a bush, I rejoiced at seeing some in a brush pile. I pulled over to the side of the road, cut myself some and brought them home. How I loved the smell in my kitchen! Then they began to close up and fade away. Time to throw them away....
I was stopped from just putting them in my kitchen trash bag, they really wanted to be put out with the grass clippings, etc in the "yard waste" bin. O.K. They shared the feeling they have lying amongst their fellow green. I couldn't blame them, it was a very good feeling, so rich and well, green......I had interrupted their journey to bring them in, enjoy their smell and use them as a prop for a photo, but they really wanted their journey to continue now as it was meant for them, to be with their friends.
Along with them were some flowers and greens left from a bouquet I was given out of a grocery store. I tapped into them. They didn't care where they went. They were commodities, just like everything else in the store, from their perception, their belief. They felt they belonged in with plastics. They shared with me their initial confusion upon being placed with the greens. Then they shared with me their feeling of being reminded of their green origins and ultimately the good feeling the lilacs had shared with me, of the comfort of laying amongst the greens.
Everything has a story, it seems.....
I was stopped from just putting them in my kitchen trash bag, they really wanted to be put out with the grass clippings, etc in the "yard waste" bin. O.K. They shared the feeling they have lying amongst their fellow green. I couldn't blame them, it was a very good feeling, so rich and well, green......I had interrupted their journey to bring them in, enjoy their smell and use them as a prop for a photo, but they really wanted their journey to continue now as it was meant for them, to be with their friends.
Along with them were some flowers and greens left from a bouquet I was given out of a grocery store. I tapped into them. They didn't care where they went. They were commodities, just like everything else in the store, from their perception, their belief. They felt they belonged in with plastics. They shared with me their initial confusion upon being placed with the greens. Then they shared with me their feeling of being reminded of their green origins and ultimately the good feeling the lilacs had shared with me, of the comfort of laying amongst the greens.
Everything has a story, it seems.....
Of inner journies with "higher callings"
Feeling the healing of a breakthrough!
So I have discovered this inner aspect of myself that draws fear, hurt to gut tearing degrees, illness, etc into it's self to keep me from getting "big". I had seen it all around throughout my life: those people who make friends choose between them and me because they are more needy. The only way they know how to get attention, get what they want is be sick, to be angry, to be victims of injustice. The fear is that I will no longer show it attention....a justified fear, really....as the saying goes "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" while the one fulfilling their responsibilities, the one no one has to worry about gets forgotten on the sidelines, asked to give up their place, their things, their relationships so the needier one can have them...that's how I got homeless for the first time; my mother told me parole conditions were that my brother live with her, he refused to if I still lived there, so I had to go; "You can take care of yourself". So, a part of me adopted that ploy with the other aspects of me; be in need, she'll not take those steps, make those choices that will allow us to succeed and then she won't forget me.....so what is it I will forget? To ride horses, to go swimming, to sit in trees....when I am small and homeless, there is nothing to do except those things, to linger in wild places, find solace in nature, etc. We should not go to nature simply for solace, why not when we are well? This aspect only allows me to feel wellness when there is nothing but me in nature without means to become distracted. So, that is why I've begun waking up profoundly sad, terrified, hopeless, keeping me paralyzed until I sit with it and give it my full attention. The earthly aspects that do not want to be abandoned for the heavenly ones because well-being is easy for it to achieve and if it is well, I might get carried off with some "higher purpose" or ":higher mission". And who should knock on my door this very moment as I believed I was at the end of typing this? Jehovah's Witnesses, to whom I used to belong who believed the gifts of spirit have ceased for all humans, where simplicity of existence was cherished and I originally felt like I also was.........lol My innocence wants attention! Now it all comes together....to be accepted among them, to be the congregation's darling, to be the one held up as an example required I denied my oneness with the Earth, my "magic", my "miraculous" abilities, it required I hate, so against my very nature....to hate what "god" hates, to hate the world, to hate "sins" rather than understand them, have compassion for them, acknowledge the validity of their existence, the reasons behind them......it required I hate aspects of myself without necessarily saying "I hate you" to them.....my stomach is easing it's clenching.......the story continues on within me, she tells me her story.....how it was OK with her to be denied, to have credit taken by some outside "god" for things she did and was capable of because even though she was denied to exist, she, too got to feed off the feelings of being cherished, valued while I was feeling them as a whole, it was the "higher calling" which drove us from the congregation deprived her of even that, though, and so she resented it....the wandering alone, dragged about and "taught" this "god" 's perspective, denied her gifts, no longer cherished by anyone except this "him".......so there we have the fear and resentment of "higher callings".
Thank you beloved, for sharing your story with me......
It continues with letting it be known the reason it comes forth as such at this time is because she sees what is coming into our experience......those with whom we share a resonance, who share a similar nature and she wants to be a part of it fully.....we had always been in the woods alone, never in groups, to "do our thing" and no one to tell about it who could appreciate it, that was never even a dream and yet now it is a potential and one we desire to experience, to feel, to dream into this reality. She wants that for me.
So I have discovered this inner aspect of myself that draws fear, hurt to gut tearing degrees, illness, etc into it's self to keep me from getting "big". I had seen it all around throughout my life: those people who make friends choose between them and me because they are more needy. The only way they know how to get attention, get what they want is be sick, to be angry, to be victims of injustice. The fear is that I will no longer show it attention....a justified fear, really....as the saying goes "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" while the one fulfilling their responsibilities, the one no one has to worry about gets forgotten on the sidelines, asked to give up their place, their things, their relationships so the needier one can have them...that's how I got homeless for the first time; my mother told me parole conditions were that my brother live with her, he refused to if I still lived there, so I had to go; "You can take care of yourself". So, a part of me adopted that ploy with the other aspects of me; be in need, she'll not take those steps, make those choices that will allow us to succeed and then she won't forget me.....so what is it I will forget? To ride horses, to go swimming, to sit in trees....when I am small and homeless, there is nothing to do except those things, to linger in wild places, find solace in nature, etc. We should not go to nature simply for solace, why not when we are well? This aspect only allows me to feel wellness when there is nothing but me in nature without means to become distracted. So, that is why I've begun waking up profoundly sad, terrified, hopeless, keeping me paralyzed until I sit with it and give it my full attention. The earthly aspects that do not want to be abandoned for the heavenly ones because well-being is easy for it to achieve and if it is well, I might get carried off with some "higher purpose" or ":higher mission". And who should knock on my door this very moment as I believed I was at the end of typing this? Jehovah's Witnesses, to whom I used to belong who believed the gifts of spirit have ceased for all humans, where simplicity of existence was cherished and I originally felt like I also was.........lol My innocence wants attention! Now it all comes together....to be accepted among them, to be the congregation's darling, to be the one held up as an example required I denied my oneness with the Earth, my "magic", my "miraculous" abilities, it required I hate, so against my very nature....to hate what "god" hates, to hate the world, to hate "sins" rather than understand them, have compassion for them, acknowledge the validity of their existence, the reasons behind them......it required I hate aspects of myself without necessarily saying "I hate you" to them.....my stomach is easing it's clenching.......the story continues on within me, she tells me her story.....how it was OK with her to be denied, to have credit taken by some outside "god" for things she did and was capable of because even though she was denied to exist, she, too got to feed off the feelings of being cherished, valued while I was feeling them as a whole, it was the "higher calling" which drove us from the congregation deprived her of even that, though, and so she resented it....the wandering alone, dragged about and "taught" this "god" 's perspective, denied her gifts, no longer cherished by anyone except this "him".......so there we have the fear and resentment of "higher callings".
Thank you beloved, for sharing your story with me......
It continues with letting it be known the reason it comes forth as such at this time is because she sees what is coming into our experience......those with whom we share a resonance, who share a similar nature and she wants to be a part of it fully.....we had always been in the woods alone, never in groups, to "do our thing" and no one to tell about it who could appreciate it, that was never even a dream and yet now it is a potential and one we desire to experience, to feel, to dream into this reality. She wants that for me.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Of knights and beasts, the epic inside me....
"A whole new space happy inside me,
A whole new place that can abide me.......".
Singing to myself yesterday after translating the meaning of my first song "I get to keep my paycheck!".
I got to do my happy dance out in a warm rain. Oh! I had been looking forward to being out in a rain one doesn't want to bundle up against!..........
A whole new place that can abide me.......".
Singing to myself yesterday after translating the meaning of my first song "I get to keep my paycheck!".
I got to do my happy dance out in a warm rain. Oh! I had been looking forward to being out in a rain one doesn't want to bundle up against!..........
The city folk's knight in shining armor stood outside the mouth of a cave rumored to be full of mythological beasts, shouting a warning into the depths of it. He would draw the 'problem' beast out. The residents of the cave responded with "That's pretty old news and even sharing it amongst friends would not be huge; they're all capable and coming to such understandings of their own. We have no problem east among us" Back to their business they went, thinking the warning meant little to them. All their ducks were in a row.
The knight in shining armor shot a well-placed arrow into the heart of that cave and to even it's residents' surprise, a spirit that had been quietly hiding in it's recesses came out screeching it's pain, wanting to shoot it's barbs at somebody, something, anything to stop the unjust, unfair suffering it had existed in and furthered by what the arrow was bringing!
Now naked before it's fellow residents, in the face of this bold knight, the beast had to see it's it's self. It tempered it's need to strike out, it chose not to recede. It became aware of it's self and how it was perceived. It found peace. The knight in shining armor from the city folks retreated, no longer needed.
The rest of residents of the cave rejoiced at the increased light within it's recesses, the spacious cavern that had now been added to it where the unseen dark, dank, sorrows had previously been hidden. Great feasts and dancing were engaged in. Neighbors were called, gifts given. And the city folk went about their business, forgetting the existence of their myths.
The knight in shining armor shot a well-placed arrow into the heart of that cave and to even it's residents' surprise, a spirit that had been quietly hiding in it's recesses came out screeching it's pain, wanting to shoot it's barbs at somebody, something, anything to stop the unjust, unfair suffering it had existed in and furthered by what the arrow was bringing!
Now naked before it's fellow residents, in the face of this bold knight, the beast had to see it's it's self. It tempered it's need to strike out, it chose not to recede. It became aware of it's self and how it was perceived. It found peace. The knight in shining armor from the city folks retreated, no longer needed.
The rest of residents of the cave rejoiced at the increased light within it's recesses, the spacious cavern that had now been added to it where the unseen dark, dank, sorrows had previously been hidden. Great feasts and dancing were engaged in. Neighbors were called, gifts given. And the city folk went about their business, forgetting the existence of their myths.
That's about how it went down. I had been receiving understandings, mostly in the form of ponderings, such as: "If time is a construct created to hone our ability to focus on individual aspects, we are living in one single moment, one single breath of divinity, then our past is ALWAYS present, standing right next to us. We are either holding hands with it, benefiting from it's gifts or it has claws in us, constantly dragging at us, fighting us for our attention.". Others were concerning the relationship between body and spirit, why some linger in debilitation so long before "death" finally claims them.....the truth of the saying "They gave up the ghost". If it is our ghosts that keep us living, then is physicality solely made up of fear?
I didn't share any of these as I usually would, the passion and excitement of doing so just wasn't there and truly, those I interact with online have pretty much got this on their own: sharing understandings as they get them, not too different from my own. Turns out that the lack of passion was an inner knowing; "When one asks for whom the bell tolls, it's usually first for them!".
In this case, the warning about the past was for me. I hadn't completely resolved, accepted, a certain aspect of my past. So, when the arrow came and struck, right in the heart of my experience: the financial well-being I had finally begun to experience, all that old unresolved shit came up. Waves of peace were underlying my intellectual panic and emotional trauma, so I knew we'd get through this. Answers would come. So I accepted my pain, my perspective and took what actions I could. I rested. I woke the next morning with thoughts of things like; "If I had a friend who was a judge and they offered to take care of what was troubling me, I might have felt I had no other choice but to let them". "If I was a Jehovah's Witness who was given the means by a worldly person to take something I had relinquished due to insecurity and immaturity, would I not have allowed people to convince me it was Jehovah using the worldly person to serve me?" and "Is this what it felt like: being unreasonably over-burdened for endless seeming years...my refusing to have an abortion an energetic equivalent, from his perspective, as $224 out every $300 paycheck for 18 years?".
With those reflections, something in me burst wide open. I felt more spacious, more free. I was still facing the financial limitation, I believed. When I arrived at work my boss called me into her office to let me know corporate had gotten my message and that even if the law had loopholes to protect someone in my circumstances, the corporation "couldn't" NOT withhold because of fines and things they'd e facing if the child support agency disagreed. Ah, fear, the great motivator keeping corporations in the clutches, hurting their own employees rather than protecting them and facing "possibly" their own 'suffering'. Not really news to me. I accepted it gracefully.
Later that day my boss called me. Corporate had called her so she could tell me that Maine had contacted them and terminated the order....holy shit. Maine said they had no idea why that order happened, they didn't even know I was in Montana! I leaped and shok my booty! I sang "I get to keep my paycheck!". The white knight had retreated!
A neighor had agreed to take me to the bank after work so I could withdraw everything I had in it so I'd be able to pay May's rent, at least, if they had also decided to freeze my assets. That potential now gone, when she texted me to let me know she was outside ready to drive me there, I didn't share the news yet. I had promised her $20 to drive me there. She happened to had to cancel an event because she didn't have gas money to make it, until I had promised her that $20. So, knowing she'd be happy for me and not take it as the drive was no longer necessary...I withheld the news for a minute. Once I got that $20 in her hands, a pack of smokes she hadn't been expecting and treats for her kids, I broke the news to her and she shared in my excitement. We celebrated the rest of the day. Rusty got her pretzel crust cheese pizza with no sauce from Pizza Hut in the quiet of her own home (she hated the noise of eating in the restaurant), Cort enjoying that giant chocolate chip cookie 'pizza' I ordered along with it. Cort learned how to do laundry in coin machines. Rusty and Cort learned how to use the pop machine outside our building. I had wine to drink
;) weee a truly fun evening! and my friend is off attending her event today. We are restored to financial well-being!
Through all this I realize, there is no justice in this world from the worldly perspective. There really is only what is needed to trigger our expansions. Yes, the ones used to trigger those expansions might need a it more force to stop playing their role so effectively and we might perceive that as the serving of justice, but it may be in fact, only what their soul needs to be expanded, an expansion that may have been facilitated by our own which they were used to initiate and "encourage". And yes, there was a time I would have railed against such a "simplistic" and "spiritually bypassing" understanding. That would e the stage of developement where self acceptence and one's perspective is MORE important to embody efore we can move on to accepting another perspective. Sometimes we must must fully embody victim and apologies before we can accept "the good in everything". Even now, fully getting this understanding, I WILL allow certain aspects to go through this process, just as I did yesterday morning. I had to fully allow all my feelings and my own perspective as a victim before I could myself to accept my 'persecutors' could possibly feel the same way about me.
I also accepted in a new way how yes, people tend to favor those who need them more than they do a happy, self-sufficient, content, generous me. I used to resent that. They'd favor mean, selfish friends over me "because they need me". Now, I accept it. I don't need constant connection and get to enjoy mostly random moments of excitement and sharing. It works for me. I'm not missing out on anything. There's a whole party inside me.
Another synchronistic thing happened as I had a moment of realization at work: "Wow, this is the first time I did not start a job totally green, catch on quickly and exceed my co-workers!. Cool!" I wasn't being a perfectionist and I felt relief. Just as those thoughts were completing, a co-worker leaned over, put her arm around me and said "You know, I am so impressed with how fast you're catching on to this job and how well you're doing!"....lol My boss has mentioned how much she appreciates me after I braved my fear of being told I was being too sensitive about words co-workers had been using in referring to residents. "I feel the same way" she told me. I raved a fear in bringing a gift to one of the residents, of being told it was not my place only to be told by my boss she so appreciated employees who were so thoughtful about residents needs and smiled joyfully, sharing my excitement that I'd e able to share this thing I had bought with a resident who might benefit from it.
My entire experience is changing and morphing. My heart is breaking-in that good way day after day. It's so exciting! and painful and exhausting, lol Sleep time is of "dreams" where I am setting up camp in other "dimensions" where I've had negative relationship experiences. The place not really needing to be secure or able to provide anything, being more like a "spawn point" in a video game. It's where my consciousness will begin it's focus when my body is sleeping and where it will exit that "dimension" as my body here awakes, it appearing to be going to sleep there. Fascinating. Busy little bee, pollinating all sorts of places with this expanded and expanding consciousness!
So, yeah, it's been a few days since ya'll have heard the usual amount from me and so now it's all been cooked and I can served it out again
An American Bald Eagle is gliding overhead again this morning.
An ;)
I didn't share any of these as I usually would, the passion and excitement of doing so just wasn't there and truly, those I interact with online have pretty much got this on their own: sharing understandings as they get them, not too different from my own. Turns out that the lack of passion was an inner knowing; "When one asks for whom the bell tolls, it's usually first for them!".
In this case, the warning about the past was for me. I hadn't completely resolved, accepted, a certain aspect of my past. So, when the arrow came and struck, right in the heart of my experience: the financial well-being I had finally begun to experience, all that old unresolved shit came up. Waves of peace were underlying my intellectual panic and emotional trauma, so I knew we'd get through this. Answers would come. So I accepted my pain, my perspective and took what actions I could. I rested. I woke the next morning with thoughts of things like; "If I had a friend who was a judge and they offered to take care of what was troubling me, I might have felt I had no other choice but to let them". "If I was a Jehovah's Witness who was given the means by a worldly person to take something I had relinquished due to insecurity and immaturity, would I not have allowed people to convince me it was Jehovah using the worldly person to serve me?" and "Is this what it felt like: being unreasonably over-burdened for endless seeming years...my refusing to have an abortion an energetic equivalent, from his perspective, as $224 out every $300 paycheck for 18 years?".
With those reflections, something in me burst wide open. I felt more spacious, more free. I was still facing the financial limitation, I believed. When I arrived at work my boss called me into her office to let me know corporate had gotten my message and that even if the law had loopholes to protect someone in my circumstances, the corporation "couldn't" NOT withhold because of fines and things they'd e facing if the child support agency disagreed. Ah, fear, the great motivator keeping corporations in the clutches, hurting their own employees rather than protecting them and facing "possibly" their own 'suffering'. Not really news to me. I accepted it gracefully.
Later that day my boss called me. Corporate had called her so she could tell me that Maine had contacted them and terminated the order....holy shit. Maine said they had no idea why that order happened, they didn't even know I was in Montana! I leaped and shok my booty! I sang "I get to keep my paycheck!". The white knight had retreated!
A neighor had agreed to take me to the bank after work so I could withdraw everything I had in it so I'd be able to pay May's rent, at least, if they had also decided to freeze my assets. That potential now gone, when she texted me to let me know she was outside ready to drive me there, I didn't share the news yet. I had promised her $20 to drive me there. She happened to had to cancel an event because she didn't have gas money to make it, until I had promised her that $20. So, knowing she'd be happy for me and not take it as the drive was no longer necessary...I withheld the news for a minute. Once I got that $20 in her hands, a pack of smokes she hadn't been expecting and treats for her kids, I broke the news to her and she shared in my excitement. We celebrated the rest of the day. Rusty got her pretzel crust cheese pizza with no sauce from Pizza Hut in the quiet of her own home (she hated the noise of eating in the restaurant), Cort enjoying that giant chocolate chip cookie 'pizza' I ordered along with it. Cort learned how to do laundry in coin machines. Rusty and Cort learned how to use the pop machine outside our building. I had wine to drink
;) weee a truly fun evening! and my friend is off attending her event today. We are restored to financial well-being!Through all this I realize, there is no justice in this world from the worldly perspective. There really is only what is needed to trigger our expansions. Yes, the ones used to trigger those expansions might need a it more force to stop playing their role so effectively and we might perceive that as the serving of justice, but it may be in fact, only what their soul needs to be expanded, an expansion that may have been facilitated by our own which they were used to initiate and "encourage". And yes, there was a time I would have railed against such a "simplistic" and "spiritually bypassing" understanding. That would e the stage of developement where self acceptence and one's perspective is MORE important to embody efore we can move on to accepting another perspective. Sometimes we must must fully embody victim and apologies before we can accept "the good in everything". Even now, fully getting this understanding, I WILL allow certain aspects to go through this process, just as I did yesterday morning. I had to fully allow all my feelings and my own perspective as a victim before I could myself to accept my 'persecutors' could possibly feel the same way about me.
I also accepted in a new way how yes, people tend to favor those who need them more than they do a happy, self-sufficient, content, generous me. I used to resent that. They'd favor mean, selfish friends over me "because they need me". Now, I accept it. I don't need constant connection and get to enjoy mostly random moments of excitement and sharing. It works for me. I'm not missing out on anything. There's a whole party inside me.
Another synchronistic thing happened as I had a moment of realization at work: "Wow, this is the first time I did not start a job totally green, catch on quickly and exceed my co-workers!. Cool!" I wasn't being a perfectionist and I felt relief. Just as those thoughts were completing, a co-worker leaned over, put her arm around me and said "You know, I am so impressed with how fast you're catching on to this job and how well you're doing!"....lol My boss has mentioned how much she appreciates me after I braved my fear of being told I was being too sensitive about words co-workers had been using in referring to residents. "I feel the same way" she told me. I raved a fear in bringing a gift to one of the residents, of being told it was not my place only to be told by my boss she so appreciated employees who were so thoughtful about residents needs and smiled joyfully, sharing my excitement that I'd e able to share this thing I had bought with a resident who might benefit from it.
My entire experience is changing and morphing. My heart is breaking-in that good way day after day. It's so exciting! and painful and exhausting, lol Sleep time is of "dreams" where I am setting up camp in other "dimensions" where I've had negative relationship experiences. The place not really needing to be secure or able to provide anything, being more like a "spawn point" in a video game. It's where my consciousness will begin it's focus when my body is sleeping and where it will exit that "dimension" as my body here awakes, it appearing to be going to sleep there. Fascinating. Busy little bee, pollinating all sorts of places with this expanded and expanding consciousness!
So, yeah, it's been a few days since ya'll have heard the usual amount from me and so now it's all been cooked and I can served it out again
An American Bald Eagle is gliding overhead again this morning.
An ;)
Sunday, April 9, 2017
He said his name was Travis
Under the light of an impending full moon........
Two metaphysically inclined souls meet, liberated by and spunky with alcohol in their bellies........BOL
In the space of time it takes to smoke a cigarette.....
Conversation ensues at lightening speed, almost as fast as angel speak with a few words received with all the subliminals, exuberantly exaggerated in characterizations and physical actings....every topic covered from how they both "talk to angels" and love to be naked under the trees....
Him: "Are you Heathen then?!" as he pulls up his hoodie to expose.....aw fuck....the tattoo of the word "heathen" across taught, dark skin over tight muscles and that "v" pointing down into his low hanging jeans......woa
"And can you read this one?" he asks as he throws back his hood (dear god, clear energy emanating from that face), he turns his head and points behind his ear...."No, you need to back away because all I can see is that I want to lick that ear".
"Ear wax? ew, no can you read it?"..."No, honestly I just want to suck on that earlobe right now".
His friend begins to drag him away, his smoke over with and eager to get back to the party as he walks backwards yelling again and again: "I would spend a night with you!". He gives the address, in case she wants to, too.He calls out her name, she waits a moment and calls out his..."She remembered my name!", he shouts.
She doesn't follow him. The address is a den of thieves and filled with strifeful relations.....she recognizes his friend as the one who had been casing a neighbor's property a couple days before, It's the place cops are called to frequently.
Instead she returns to her own apartment, relishing the state of breathlessness and craving tongue, tingling in her lower regions she got to embody for a moment......and on and off the next day, "psychically" smelling his energy visiting...though she'll probably never see him again.
We both like the word "delicious".;)
Two metaphysically inclined souls meet, liberated by and spunky with alcohol in their bellies........BOL
In the space of time it takes to smoke a cigarette.....
Conversation ensues at lightening speed, almost as fast as angel speak with a few words received with all the subliminals, exuberantly exaggerated in characterizations and physical actings....every topic covered from how they both "talk to angels" and love to be naked under the trees....
Him: "Are you Heathen then?!" as he pulls up his hoodie to expose.....aw fuck....the tattoo of the word "heathen" across taught, dark skin over tight muscles and that "v" pointing down into his low hanging jeans......woa
"And can you read this one?" he asks as he throws back his hood (dear god, clear energy emanating from that face), he turns his head and points behind his ear...."No, you need to back away because all I can see is that I want to lick that ear".
"Ear wax? ew, no can you read it?"..."No, honestly I just want to suck on that earlobe right now".
His friend begins to drag him away, his smoke over with and eager to get back to the party as he walks backwards yelling again and again: "I would spend a night with you!". He gives the address, in case she wants to, too.He calls out her name, she waits a moment and calls out his..."She remembered my name!", he shouts.
She doesn't follow him. The address is a den of thieves and filled with strifeful relations.....she recognizes his friend as the one who had been casing a neighbor's property a couple days before, It's the place cops are called to frequently.
Instead she returns to her own apartment, relishing the state of breathlessness and craving tongue, tingling in her lower regions she got to embody for a moment......and on and off the next day, "psychically" smelling his energy visiting...though she'll probably never see him again.
We both like the word "delicious".
;)
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
ASPEN requested my survivor story...so I give it to them....lol
I responded with a brief, to the point and absolutely honest answer to the request for my "survivor story". My response was thusly shaped to fit as a blurb in a newsletter. At ASPEN, the only back story you have is of the last instance of abuse which qualified me for assistance from ASPEN. The WHOLE story, the WHOLE TRUTH is far lengthier and suitable only for a medium that can accommodate it. I cannot as yet share it without crying and so speaking it before a crowd as those at the "Soup to End the Silence" did is out of the question from my perspective. The passion behind my tears would pursue you.
My mother and father met in a parking lot, he a finely dressed Marine from the "wrong side of the railroad tracks", growing up in the ghetto of Waterbury, Ct and my mother from the "right side of the railroad tracks" of Meriden, Ct. They decided to elope. Where they decided to go, my mother still needed to call home for parental consent. In the background, my mother heard her mother' voice "Just give it, George. better she come back married thus than shamed and possibly pregnant". Under that blanket of shame, my mother cried out "no" because it hurt. But she had said "I do". Under a blanket of shame I was conceived as a product of marital rape, the older narcissistic version of my mother made sure I knew.
I grew up physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually abused, not just by parents but by similarly tortured siblings. My hair was not combed, it was yanked amidst a litany of "disgusting". I was not tucked into bed, I woke in the middle of the night with drunken breath as a cloud about me and my father's hand on my thigh under my nightgown, under my blankets, night after night. My hair grabbed and smashed against walls, an expression of my mother's frustration and disgust.
As my body began to bud, those buds were grabbed during "play"wrestling with my father. School was not safe due to bullies and eventually sexual assaults in the stairwell if I left class to use the bathroom. Family outside of immediate was not open to interfere for my father was the golden boy: youngest in a French Roman Catholic family who took them all from ghetto to millionaire. As I grew, billboards began to pop up: call this number if you suspect child abuse. I was not abused: no obvious bruises or broken bones and treated like every other female child in circle of friends and family as far as I could see.
The buds began to blossom. My crotch would be grabbed by my father while schoolmates pumped our gas, just to taunt, tease, embarrass and dare me. The dare did not become obvious to me until the day when my breasts were grabbed openly with full eye contact made. "I'll tell mom!". "Go ahead, I dare you to". So I did. "Well, I was going to divorce him anyways", was Mom's response. I had given them just what they needed for the Catholic Church to FINALLY grant the divorce they had been seeking...unbeknownst to me. So, Mom used it to get all she wanted financially in the divorce. When she returned to my Dad, a justification was needed in light of my "accusation": "She accused him because we caught her in bed with her boyfriend", it was given. I was 14, a "virgin" and not yet had a boyfriend. I was effectively vilified and painted the vengeful child amongst family. Help from that direction would not come to this day. Golden boy became "we do not speak ill of the dead" as the reason. As for help from "friends", that also would not happen.....
Coming home from a school dance with boyfriend and another couple consisting of my best friend and her boyfriend,...... We entered "home" to find my Dad drunk and passed out in his underwear on the couch. As I whispered good-nights, my father leaped over the couch and began to throw me against the walls of our house. I told my boyfriend to wait out back before they all fled. I ran up the stairs to my room and locked the door behind me. I leapt from the second story window into the arms of my boyfriend as snow fell all around me. Not a single one of them ever reported it. Just another evening with a romantic highlight of a boyfriend catching a maiden in distress. I returned the next day when I knew my father would be working to grab a few things and find my bedroom door, which I shared with a female cousin, broken off it's hinges and the room all torn apart. She never reported it either. The shamed, slandered, abused girl went out into the world, homeless first as a teenager.
Teen romances were highlighted with being pinned down, box cutter to the stomach by a boyfriend and raped by a "family friend's" cousin who was entrusted with giving me a ride to safety. All of for which, my mother blamed me for not being "subjective".
I finally married at twenty. His refusal to use any type of birth control resulted in pregnancy to which he was "surprised" and blaming. I withstood threats of being drugged in my beverages and subjected to illegal abortion to give birth to a beautiful daughter by c-section due to breech position after requesting techniques to turn her. "I'll tell you what", said the doctor: "we'll spin you 'round and 'round by your feet and slam you into a wall and then, maybe, just maybe, that baby will have turned and you can have her natural". C-section fit my husband's ability to "plan" the day off anyways...so at 21 I gave birth via c-section. A knife held to my throat as I was held up against a wall.......my daughter set in an infant carrier, unbuckled, onto the hood of a car which was then driven off.....I left my husband. "You made him part of this family" was my parent's justification for favoring him during negotiations. In my experience, men were always labelled the victims of my...I have no idea.
Subsequent relationships were marked by barricading myself and two small children in a room behind a door with a dresser because I refused to have an abortion-again by a man who had not made it clear he did not want children. A man, who later on, would have his friend who was a judge to take that unwanted child away from me via illegal orders verified as illegal by a lawyer who could only wish she could represent me because she was only legally allowed in other circuits......
I went on. I survive. That's what makes me a "survivor" of my story. I went on to be given $5 to go into a store for drinks on a hot afternoon in Kentucky to "visit family", only to come out to an empty parking lot in tank-top, cargoes and slippers one hot afternoon....on the street with nothing and nobody. I hitch-hiked "home" only to find all my worldly possession already sold to support a returned-to drug habit.....pregnant. I navigated truck drivers who thought a meal would win them sex and "christian do-gooders" who thought a "good deed" would win them slavery of me.
A man sent word he was interested and would claim the child as his own, if I was interested too. "Wow", said I, "A man who left me choice". Little did I know that, this choice was the choosing of the most deadliest abuser known to domestic violence circles. I call him an "abuser by proxy". These are those who use indirect means to cause, ultimately, the death of their victim without accusation/persecution/being found guilty/blame. They don't get their hands dirty.
Barreling down mountainsides in a vehicle without breaks, seeing frostbite on my infant's cheeks because we had to spend a freezing night in a tent to sleep, cutting up sweatshirts for diapers because the voucher we were given was gambled away "to make us richer". Ultimately kidnapped because he left and in a state of drunkenness returned, driving us off into the California mountains where dialing 911 received no reception......when back in civilization for supplies I escaped and called 911 at a Walmart, the police who responded told me "His word against yours......we're filing no report". They did, however, spend three hours seeking out a domestic violence shelter with room for us, despite "the ribbing" they'd get back at the station house for spending so much time helping. Wonderful: guilt for what they'd suffer for 'helping' me.
When time was up at that shelter (because all shelters seem to have this time limit where you're booted out without recourse if no plan of action is effective), my children and I hit the streets. Homeless, I built us up to a tent to sleep in and a bike with cart to get us about in. Eventually I landed us a position as caretakers of a property while the manager was off taking care of his other properties. That's when "abuse by proxy" kicked in big time. I woke one day to my abuser standing over me, having broken in the back door, with city police at the end of the driveway as I called county and "child abduction" unit descending like a swat team....my abuser had convinced other homeless people and "concerned citizens" to make reports of me being part of some cult that believed in intermarrying siblings. His breaking and entering was dismissed as first contact in the light of a no trespassing sign. I had to play the thirty day notice of movement game with discernment to finally reach a state where a non-disclosure of residential address was made a part of the restraining order. There I recovered..I healed...I chose no intimate relations until I *knew* what would be good for me and my children. I sought out family who I believe understood, only to be assaulted again and end up at ASPEN..........
As I transitioned from client to advocate, I saw the energy/nature of ASPEN change hands. I saw, as I perceive it, the very heart of ASPEN torn from it. I saw the victims they were to help prostituted out for federal funding. I was told "What happens in the house, stays in the house", in effect, as I was commanded by newly appointed Heidi to keep quiet about a victim being further victimized by the new house manager, Becky (to which I maintain proof on my computer).
Truck drivers who expect sex in exchange for a meal, "Christian do-gooders" who expect yard work in exchange for a night's sleep.... or "advocates" who expect public support and federal funding in exchange for a story.....no difference in my opinion. There's a multitude of capitalists of the victim. My silence of further victimization of a victim in ASPEN's care and keeping in exchange for Becky's new car payments, Mary's subsiding of verbal abuse by excuse to "teach" and Heidi's supervision for prestige....That is why I identify as a thriver. I shall succeed beautifully despite them each.
Ms. Crystal
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
The de-programmers and re-programmers
A simple "What if?!"
It has been established that we live in a matrix. We perceive a physical end in which we are consumed by insects, worms and bacteria......our physical body forgets...it is deprogrammed..though not always, the land remembers, we have hauntings, etc, So, my "What if?!" is not yet perfected....
So, deprogrammed by the insects, worms, and bacteria, etc, we are in pieces consumed y plants responding to consciousness. Stem cells can become anything...any part of the body. Stem cells are formed in the female form for the creation of the offspring/next generation/next stage of development/new programming.
If a form feared it's demise, as the physical is want to do, it would obviously attack that which would transform/re-program it..the famle form and energetic body......which is what we see happening.
It has been established that we live in a matrix. We perceive a physical end in which we are consumed by insects, worms and bacteria......our physical body forgets...it is deprogrammed..though not always, the land remembers, we have hauntings, etc, So, my "What if?!" is not yet perfected....
So, deprogrammed by the insects, worms, and bacteria, etc, we are in pieces consumed y plants responding to consciousness. Stem cells can become anything...any part of the body. Stem cells are formed in the female form for the creation of the offspring/next generation/next stage of development/new programming.
If a form feared it's demise, as the physical is want to do, it would obviously attack that which would transform/re-program it..the famle form and energetic body......which is what we see happening.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
The woman in the blue and white dress
I felt a sharp pain across my abdomen today and so I lay down to rest. I did what I always do to relax myself and let sleep in: I opened my "third eye" and watched the faces scroll by. That's usually all it is, faces..unless I'm someplace like Louisiana, then there are other things moving among the people's projections and spirits, then it's like "wow! They really do exist!".
Instead I found myself looking through a pair of eyes as the person cherishngly kissed an infant's head and tightened the blanket around him(?). Then the panic kicked in. I was propelled out of her to see a woman in a blue and white patterned dress, cinched at the waist with a blue belt (maybe?). She had dark hair.The panic was still so great, my body was squirming in my bed and I began to try to look away before I decided to allow the experience in.
She was on the roof of a building. She was panicked over how to climb down the metal ladder wiht only one hand, in skirt and heels while holding the baby safely. I remembered the warm feeling of what it is like to have a tall, strong man whom I love wrap his arms around me from behind. I sent that feeling to encompass her. I remembered what I do to silence my mind to keep it from feeding my fears with thoughts about what could happen...I tapped into my core and brought up sounds for my mind to interpret. It usually begins with "Hey", followed by whatever my brain interprets the feeling of, usually mono syllables....ya, ey, ah, oh,ee....After a moment I myself did not have to hold the calm. I continued to sing to her until she reached people who would look to her safety and well-being. I promptly and easily feel asleep.
Somewhere in this world, on this day, a woman sent out a prayer, felt an angel at her back and a song in her head, miraculously keeping her safe.
Today, I allowed my oneness to use me in this way and face the bad experiences I've had allowing this in the past. It reinforces the reason one should NOT pray for/to anything outside of themselves. If one prays to God, anything perceiving it's self as god can be drawn in and answer. I have rescued people from demon harassment in the in-betweens...caught between dreaming and full waking. I have seen through the eyes of a canine as it came to two women's rescue. I have seen through the eyes of eagles, birds soaring along cliffs. I've also seen through the eyes of an under ground rodent just before a snake swallowed it head first. I've been caught up in a suicide intent and placed a gun to my own head as they had to theirs, seen through the eyes of people having sex when one of them wished it was with me. Then I've seen through the eyes of an animal that remembered me while my daughter who was alienated from me asked her father about me and he answered her with lies as he caressed her hair. I have been one with entities chasing things off other people. I have seen another planet as an entity that was one with me returned her consciousness to her body. I have looked through the eyes of a woman in a shallow grave as her boyfriend shoveled dirt on her...the land sharing with me it's memories. While someone was teaching me how to find and harvest wild ginseng, I saw through the eyes of a rodent as it looked up at some...damn it! it suddenly strikes me that it might be the same rodent whose eyes I was looking through when it was swallowed by the snake and I Know that snake! The bugger of it! lol
So it is that I always stay within during distress and if I am reaching telepathically (prayerfully) outside of me, I direct it VERY specifically.
In this case, the woman's desire caught me answering the psychic/telepathic energy hotline instead of a parasite that would have been interested in increasing her fear to feed off it. Might have even saved her life.
I guess I'm on the job again..........
Instead I found myself looking through a pair of eyes as the person cherishngly kissed an infant's head and tightened the blanket around him(?). Then the panic kicked in. I was propelled out of her to see a woman in a blue and white patterned dress, cinched at the waist with a blue belt (maybe?). She had dark hair.The panic was still so great, my body was squirming in my bed and I began to try to look away before I decided to allow the experience in.
She was on the roof of a building. She was panicked over how to climb down the metal ladder wiht only one hand, in skirt and heels while holding the baby safely. I remembered the warm feeling of what it is like to have a tall, strong man whom I love wrap his arms around me from behind. I sent that feeling to encompass her. I remembered what I do to silence my mind to keep it from feeding my fears with thoughts about what could happen...I tapped into my core and brought up sounds for my mind to interpret. It usually begins with "Hey", followed by whatever my brain interprets the feeling of, usually mono syllables....ya, ey, ah, oh,ee....After a moment I myself did not have to hold the calm. I continued to sing to her until she reached people who would look to her safety and well-being. I promptly and easily feel asleep.
Somewhere in this world, on this day, a woman sent out a prayer, felt an angel at her back and a song in her head, miraculously keeping her safe.
Today, I allowed my oneness to use me in this way and face the bad experiences I've had allowing this in the past. It reinforces the reason one should NOT pray for/to anything outside of themselves. If one prays to God, anything perceiving it's self as god can be drawn in and answer. I have rescued people from demon harassment in the in-betweens...caught between dreaming and full waking. I have seen through the eyes of a canine as it came to two women's rescue. I have seen through the eyes of eagles, birds soaring along cliffs. I've also seen through the eyes of an under ground rodent just before a snake swallowed it head first. I've been caught up in a suicide intent and placed a gun to my own head as they had to theirs, seen through the eyes of people having sex when one of them wished it was with me. Then I've seen through the eyes of an animal that remembered me while my daughter who was alienated from me asked her father about me and he answered her with lies as he caressed her hair. I have been one with entities chasing things off other people. I have seen another planet as an entity that was one with me returned her consciousness to her body. I have looked through the eyes of a woman in a shallow grave as her boyfriend shoveled dirt on her...the land sharing with me it's memories. While someone was teaching me how to find and harvest wild ginseng, I saw through the eyes of a rodent as it looked up at some...damn it! it suddenly strikes me that it might be the same rodent whose eyes I was looking through when it was swallowed by the snake and I Know that snake! The bugger of it! lol
So it is that I always stay within during distress and if I am reaching telepathically (prayerfully) outside of me, I direct it VERY specifically.
In this case, the woman's desire caught me answering the psychic/telepathic energy hotline instead of a parasite that would have been interested in increasing her fear to feed off it. Might have even saved her life.
I guess I'm on the job again..........
Monday, February 27, 2017
Watching "Haven"
I had the joy of taking a literature course in college on Stephen King's writings. It was fun, really. I'd go into the only room we smoked in. It was more a large closet with built in desk. I'd prop open the window, log into the chat room and watch comments scroll by while waiting for the professor to log in. Fellow classmates didn't realize that the professor could read the comments made before he logged in. lol..Some got snagged with less than supportive comments. One knew the professor logged in from home because sound was included and we could hear his children in the background. I totally appreciated the casual atmosphere which facilitated my choice to be a stay at home parent.
I left off reading Steven King literature over 10 years ago. He lost me with is accident and "Tower" series...not to mention I was over "horror". Now I am watching the series called "Haven" which is now available on Netflix and based on a book he has written called something like "The Colorado Kid". As one who has had "supernatural" experiences, I can totally appreciate the characters so readily accepting of the existence of the "abnormal" to conditioned society, and upon further reflection my own potential, the characters so very willing to compassionately protect the "abnormal" as innocents rather than mere perpetrators.
As one who has had the experiences of becoming immaterial, non-physical...in one case more of a "wisp", upon impulse and never consciously by pure will....
What if..........
What if it is those souls and spirits most inclined toward compassion that transition into that which is perceived as abnormal?
What if it is those souls and spirits who would find the transition most difficult to come back from that are given to play the role of the self-righteous "normal", "mundane" people?
When creation tires of the endless strife, when the end game comes......
We now know predators play a vital role of taking the weak, diseased and the "loss" of them fertilizes the greens.
Basically::: what if those most predisposed to (most easily called back to) compassion, are those who become the "supernatural demons"? What if you suddenly had vampiric impulses?
I left off reading Steven King literature over 10 years ago. He lost me with is accident and "Tower" series...not to mention I was over "horror". Now I am watching the series called "Haven" which is now available on Netflix and based on a book he has written called something like "The Colorado Kid". As one who has had "supernatural" experiences, I can totally appreciate the characters so readily accepting of the existence of the "abnormal" to conditioned society, and upon further reflection my own potential, the characters so very willing to compassionately protect the "abnormal" as innocents rather than mere perpetrators.
As one who has had the experiences of becoming immaterial, non-physical...in one case more of a "wisp", upon impulse and never consciously by pure will....
What if..........
What if it is those souls and spirits most inclined toward compassion that transition into that which is perceived as abnormal?
What if it is those souls and spirits who would find the transition most difficult to come back from that are given to play the role of the self-righteous "normal", "mundane" people?
When creation tires of the endless strife, when the end game comes......
We now know predators play a vital role of taking the weak, diseased and the "loss" of them fertilizes the greens.
Basically::: what if those most predisposed to (most easily called back to) compassion, are those who become the "supernatural demons"? What if you suddenly had vampiric impulses?
Physical illness
I used to avoid those who were physically ill. I was so very uncomfortable around them. I just didn't know what to do. I, myself, had abnormally good health and "supernatural" physical experiences that preserved in perfect form the physical experience.
Tonight I am given to believe I have been given some insight on physical illness that may indeed expand our perspective concerning it.
I had cured myself of allergies by identifying the irritant. So, I believed as many do that disease is dis-ease....a discomfort within one's experience. As far as my allergies were concerned, that proved completely true. I had my answer......in that case, anyways.
Physical trauma or discomfort can cause us to do many things, two of those things is to either detach from the body (physical experience) or keep us so pre-occupied with the discomfort we are grounded by it. (Of course some simply have chosen to to die and any physical discomfort is their "natural" progression of physical decaying to that end, some experience it as part of a spiritual or physical initiation).
If one is pre-disposed to a more physical, grounded experience, a NDE (near death experience) would be what opens them up to the non-physical aspects of existence. If one is pre-disposed to empathize more with the non-physical aspect of our existence, physical discomfort may keep us grounded within the physical experience.
An addiction to hallucinogens may aid those too grounded to accept a non-physical aspect while something like alcohol and cigarette smoking may ground those more empathetic with the non-physical. Frankly, the most intuitive, psychic, empathically aware people I've known have all smoked and had a drink at least now and then.
Basically, only our empathic, intuitive, awareness of the more subtle energy bodies absent of judgement can honestly say what any physical deviation may be...sign of "problem", solution
to a problem or simply a "natural" occurrence along the road to a "natural" death.
Tonight I am given to believe I have been given some insight on physical illness that may indeed expand our perspective concerning it.
I had cured myself of allergies by identifying the irritant. So, I believed as many do that disease is dis-ease....a discomfort within one's experience. As far as my allergies were concerned, that proved completely true. I had my answer......in that case, anyways.
Physical trauma or discomfort can cause us to do many things, two of those things is to either detach from the body (physical experience) or keep us so pre-occupied with the discomfort we are grounded by it. (Of course some simply have chosen to to die and any physical discomfort is their "natural" progression of physical decaying to that end, some experience it as part of a spiritual or physical initiation).
If one is pre-disposed to a more physical, grounded experience, a NDE (near death experience) would be what opens them up to the non-physical aspects of existence. If one is pre-disposed to empathize more with the non-physical aspect of our existence, physical discomfort may keep us grounded within the physical experience.
An addiction to hallucinogens may aid those too grounded to accept a non-physical aspect while something like alcohol and cigarette smoking may ground those more empathetic with the non-physical. Frankly, the most intuitive, psychic, empathically aware people I've known have all smoked and had a drink at least now and then.
Basically, only our empathic, intuitive, awareness of the more subtle energy bodies absent of judgement can honestly say what any physical deviation may be...sign of "problem", solution
to a problem or simply a "natural" occurrence along the road to a "natural" death.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
My vagina is racist!
For spiritual and educational development...if 18 yrs old and/or have parental consent.....disclaimers!
O.K., so maybe not precisely...I shall give the facts honestly.
Baby daddy..Native American and Native American /African American decent.....all is well and healthy. After 4 yrs, white boy ...raging bacterial imbalance.
So maybe after 4 yrs I am anxious. White man medicine brought it back into balance.
Ahhh. The year of liberation!
Mexican-American, African-American, African-American....."Once you go black, you never go back!...white boy, FUCK! bacterial imbalance again!" White man medicine..all is well again.
The common quotient is not race specifically, it is innocence. The white man is completely and devastatingly emasculated of his innocence. To be a ruler, no trace of the child within must exist. The "marginalized" races are best kept "reactive"/innocent/immature so that they may be portrayed as "irrational". In these, the innocent is easily engaged. It is eager to be liberated. The innocence is immortal, whole and "clean". It resonates with me.
It is simply that much easier to access without conflict/imbalance.
So, is my vagina racist? No, it is innocence prejudiced. Innocence seems to be more accessible to the "marginalized" races and so "marginalized" races resonate with me.
Editing months later to add: it happened again and I asked the doc about this correlation between the races and my body's response. She said that yes, white men, especially in rural areas like this are most likely to blame any sexual health matters on women and not get themselves checked, whereas the marginalized races live in more urban areas and are more likely to get themselves checked out. So, validated: the "acidic" attitude toward women of right wing, middle aged men destroys the acidic balance of their semen, then her vaginal environment and thus causes bacteria to become imbalanced. Because a man is less likely to show any kind of symptoms of any kind of sexual imbalance, from acidic levels, bacterial imbalances to sexually transmitted diseases, they are more easily convinced they could never be the problem, it is always the woman.
O.K., so maybe not precisely...I shall give the facts honestly.
Baby daddy..Native American and Native American /African American decent.....all is well and healthy. After 4 yrs, white boy ...raging bacterial imbalance.
So maybe after 4 yrs I am anxious. White man medicine brought it back into balance.
Ahhh. The year of liberation!
Mexican-American, African-American, African-American....."Once you go black, you never go back!...white boy, FUCK! bacterial imbalance again!" White man medicine..all is well again.
The common quotient is not race specifically, it is innocence. The white man is completely and devastatingly emasculated of his innocence. To be a ruler, no trace of the child within must exist. The "marginalized" races are best kept "reactive"/innocent/immature so that they may be portrayed as "irrational". In these, the innocent is easily engaged. It is eager to be liberated. The innocence is immortal, whole and "clean". It resonates with me.
It is simply that much easier to access without conflict/imbalance.
So, is my vagina racist? No, it is innocence prejudiced. Innocence seems to be more accessible to the "marginalized" races and so "marginalized" races resonate with me.
Editing months later to add: it happened again and I asked the doc about this correlation between the races and my body's response. She said that yes, white men, especially in rural areas like this are most likely to blame any sexual health matters on women and not get themselves checked, whereas the marginalized races live in more urban areas and are more likely to get themselves checked out. So, validated: the "acidic" attitude toward women of right wing, middle aged men destroys the acidic balance of their semen, then her vaginal environment and thus causes bacteria to become imbalanced. Because a man is less likely to show any kind of symptoms of any kind of sexual imbalance, from acidic levels, bacterial imbalances to sexually transmitted diseases, they are more easily convinced they could never be the problem, it is always the woman.
Friday, February 24, 2017
My re-wilded child
hmmmm..warm, humorous, pre-knowing
I set out to undo damage. I set out to "Radically whole life unschool". I set out to "re-wild", make "feral"....to set free my children. I set out to allow them to be their most pure, authentic selves as I could manage with my own conditioning.
This child is wild. She hunches over as she runs, as she interacts and dodges unwanted interactions. She hisses and growls. She squats when she eats: on the kitchen floor or perched upon a bench.
She is sovereign. She shrugs off touches. She abides no interference in her emotional journey of self. She does not want to be instructed. She responds violently to any insult or disrespect,
She asks me to tuck her in every night. She allows me to guide her. Though I told her nothing of Standing Rock, N.D., she drew a picture from her dreams of a blue pushing back a black snake trying to encircle the Earth. Autistic children will play with her for hours to the shock of their parents. She gets along very well with the resourceful aka "trouble" children. She is still connected, present, "in touch" with the rest of humanity.
She lives in her own little world from which she is not easily distracted.addressed and despises interference in it and yet she is sooo profoundly connected, on-the-spot intuitive/accurate in people's intentions.
She is sensuous....."I want my hair down, I want it uncombed, I want to feel it on my back". Don't you dare fucking touch her! She'll say so in those exact words.
She loves playing Minecraft. She is not sheltered from the world. She is not sheltered from society. She is simply allowed to engage or not at her discretion, preference, inclination, inspiration without indoctrination.
It is just so simply a beautiful thing to witness.
I set out to undo damage. I set out to "Radically whole life unschool". I set out to "re-wild", make "feral"....to set free my children. I set out to allow them to be their most pure, authentic selves as I could manage with my own conditioning.
This child is wild. She hunches over as she runs, as she interacts and dodges unwanted interactions. She hisses and growls. She squats when she eats: on the kitchen floor or perched upon a bench.
She is sovereign. She shrugs off touches. She abides no interference in her emotional journey of self. She does not want to be instructed. She responds violently to any insult or disrespect,
She asks me to tuck her in every night. She allows me to guide her. Though I told her nothing of Standing Rock, N.D., she drew a picture from her dreams of a blue pushing back a black snake trying to encircle the Earth. Autistic children will play with her for hours to the shock of their parents. She gets along very well with the resourceful aka "trouble" children. She is still connected, present, "in touch" with the rest of humanity.
She lives in her own little world from which she is not easily distracted.addressed and despises interference in it and yet she is sooo profoundly connected, on-the-spot intuitive/accurate in people's intentions.
She is sensuous....."I want my hair down, I want it uncombed, I want to feel it on my back". Don't you dare fucking touch her! She'll say so in those exact words.
She loves playing Minecraft. She is not sheltered from the world. She is not sheltered from society. She is simply allowed to engage or not at her discretion, preference, inclination, inspiration without indoctrination.
It is just so simply a beautiful thing to witness.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Sexual expression----the awkward years
As I hit the point of ponderence I am about to share, a weather worn $5 bill was brought to my attention, all camoflauged in the dry dead grass it had to have recently blown there from where ever it had been hibernating under the snow that has now melted......I must be onto something! Fair warning: has to do with human sexuality, is for educational spiritual self exploration purposes.....continue on if over 18 or have parental permission...trigger warnings and all that disclaiming (insert eye rolling) Don't put me in facebook prison again! lol
I am given to begin where my reflections hit their stride. The illustration in the bible where Jesus' disciple walked on water just fine until he realized what he was doing. How many times in life have we expressed amazement at what someone was doing only to see them then drop the ball, fall or lose it?
Our sexual responses can be the same way. If what to expect is not explained to us, we have someone witnessing something completely new, unusual, foreign and thus possibly even frightening about us. The first warm gush of female ejaculation...."did you just pee all over me?", embarrassment, you bet she won't be doing that on you again!
Add to that societal view of mentruation, wet spots on pants....
I have extremely strong vaginal muscles and it ain't from doing Kiegals. Thos emuscles do not EVER truly relax unless on a toilet and even then, just as soon as urination is complete, they're automatically clenching again.
Now what if your observation is open, in a state of wonder and delight at the body's obvious openness and pleasure and that person in whom you are so impressed shrinks from it? What has happened there?
Our society, especially the school system and insecure people in social settings are focused on dumbing down, on making small again that which shows unusual talent, stands out. One can quickly learn good attention draws abuse. Especially if someone has been sexually abused, they wil begin to shrink into themselves and shut you out because they can't be awesome and then stay shut down and push you away because they are remembering they are "dirty" and their sexual parts are not safe.
So now we have an absolutely dynamic adult ready to stop playing small, allowing themselves to stand out, allowing responses of delight and expression of affection, all the attention you want to shower on them..........and they meet the old nemisis...violence. Not intentionally meant to be so, but so many expect their partner to lose themselves in them and their vision and their needs and their wants. For example the man who experiences the absolute freedom of an open woman and begins to share with her his picture of what he wants the relationship to become "You'll cook for me and have my babies and rub my feet after a hard day's work"......bye now!
So free flowing to hear "SHHHH! No! I have a girlfriend, she'll find out!"....bye now
They ALL begin as free flowing...something new, something unusually beautiful......until they reach their limit of where they'll allow themselves to go for their own reasons, due to their own wounds, their own insecurities and then they shame you, condmen you, shut you down...if you let them.
So now we must stand up for ourselves, state our assertion and conviction that we want a different reality. Challenges to it are simply the universe asking "Are you sure?"
"Hell, yeah, I'm sure!"
It HAS to get better than this because I am no longer accepting anything less!
"Is this less"
"Fuck yeah, that's less!"
lol
The universe can be an ornery old man at times........
Dude, I want all in!
I'm no longer afraid to ask for it. I know I have "the right" to ask for it.
I'm sure there's more to that story, but for an afternoon, we've gotten onto something which might could be very healing!
I am given to begin where my reflections hit their stride. The illustration in the bible where Jesus' disciple walked on water just fine until he realized what he was doing. How many times in life have we expressed amazement at what someone was doing only to see them then drop the ball, fall or lose it?
Our sexual responses can be the same way. If what to expect is not explained to us, we have someone witnessing something completely new, unusual, foreign and thus possibly even frightening about us. The first warm gush of female ejaculation...."did you just pee all over me?", embarrassment, you bet she won't be doing that on you again!
Add to that societal view of mentruation, wet spots on pants....
I have extremely strong vaginal muscles and it ain't from doing Kiegals. Thos emuscles do not EVER truly relax unless on a toilet and even then, just as soon as urination is complete, they're automatically clenching again.
Now what if your observation is open, in a state of wonder and delight at the body's obvious openness and pleasure and that person in whom you are so impressed shrinks from it? What has happened there?
Our society, especially the school system and insecure people in social settings are focused on dumbing down, on making small again that which shows unusual talent, stands out. One can quickly learn good attention draws abuse. Especially if someone has been sexually abused, they wil begin to shrink into themselves and shut you out because they can't be awesome and then stay shut down and push you away because they are remembering they are "dirty" and their sexual parts are not safe.
So now we have an absolutely dynamic adult ready to stop playing small, allowing themselves to stand out, allowing responses of delight and expression of affection, all the attention you want to shower on them..........and they meet the old nemisis...violence. Not intentionally meant to be so, but so many expect their partner to lose themselves in them and their vision and their needs and their wants. For example the man who experiences the absolute freedom of an open woman and begins to share with her his picture of what he wants the relationship to become "You'll cook for me and have my babies and rub my feet after a hard day's work"......bye now!
So free flowing to hear "SHHHH! No! I have a girlfriend, she'll find out!"....bye now
They ALL begin as free flowing...something new, something unusually beautiful......until they reach their limit of where they'll allow themselves to go for their own reasons, due to their own wounds, their own insecurities and then they shame you, condmen you, shut you down...if you let them.
So now we must stand up for ourselves, state our assertion and conviction that we want a different reality. Challenges to it are simply the universe asking "Are you sure?"
"Hell, yeah, I'm sure!"
It HAS to get better than this because I am no longer accepting anything less!
"Is this less"
"Fuck yeah, that's less!"
lol
The universe can be an ornery old man at times........
Dude, I want all in!
I'm no longer afraid to ask for it. I know I have "the right" to ask for it.
I'm sure there's more to that story, but for an afternoon, we've gotten onto something which might could be very healing!
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Some inspired utterences
I could feel myself fill with warmth, a rising up of a voice that wanted to be heard as I came across a comment from some guy that witches like me were going to be burnt at the stake by the Christian church and then someone else posted a video...........
"Touch the deep green moss,
You tickle my hair.
Slide your hand beneath the fallen leaves
To clutch the rich, dark, moist Earth beneath.....
I am the dark, moist depths
You long to plunge into deeply
To release and find relief in,
I am the Earth".-
*Stacey B. aka Crystal Morningstar aka "April" aka "Mon Chay"
*Ah, to touch the face of God,
To have His countenance to shine upon you.
And to yearn from that place of favor,
For the depths of an Earthly youth.......
The 'witches' welcome the bonfires
sworn by the 'men of the church'
in which they would have them burn........
They would only bring me relief from you,
Bring me to dance again upon the forest floors
and to wake the devil from his dream of being this God of yours.*-Stacey B. aka "April"aka Crystal Morningstar aka "Mon Chay"
The music video that became part of the trigger for the voice:
Goin' Back to Harlan
"Touch the deep green moss,
You tickle my hair.
Slide your hand beneath the fallen leaves
To clutch the rich, dark, moist Earth beneath.....
I am the dark, moist depths
You long to plunge into deeply
To release and find relief in,
I am the Earth".-
*Stacey B. aka Crystal Morningstar aka "April" aka "Mon Chay"
*Ah, to touch the face of God,
To have His countenance to shine upon you.
And to yearn from that place of favor,
For the depths of an Earthly youth.......
The 'witches' welcome the bonfires
sworn by the 'men of the church'
in which they would have them burn........
They would only bring me relief from you,
Bring me to dance again upon the forest floors
and to wake the devil from his dream of being this God of yours.*-Stacey B. aka "April"aka Crystal Morningstar aka "Mon Chay"
The music video that became part of the trigger for the voice:
Goin' Back to Harlan
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
The Shedding of skins
I've diverted from completing my journey through "The Rest of the Story" entries and it turned out to be for a very good reason.
On my second experience with Maine I learned something. I was moved to draw a picture of my figurative self, with the spirits I had worked with over the preceding years by my side. I gave that picture to a young woman. I intuitively understood I was leaving the person I had become behind and bestowing it on her. Further evidence of this was after did this, her mother began speaking like I had, responding to her daughter as I would have mine. I could hear and see me in her. As authority over her daughter, she had claimed my 'skin' for herself. Her daughter can claim it when she is ready, I'm sure...and it will be awesome! She is a physically disabled young woman with great potential to heal that which is an inherited generational disability/dis-figuration of the leg.
From then until now I have been embodying a more independent woman, no longer a victim and learning to walk as a sovereign being in full oneness within herself. After 4 years of no intimate relationships other than with my children, I had finally invited in the experience of more intimate relationships outside the home; community, female friends and romantic with men. I was still solitary in controlling resources, being independent. I have been embodying an empowered woman, respected. With each "no thank you" comes a replacement with that which is closer to what I want in an intimate partner. Greater and greater self awareness, respect and appreciation in each man I "go through".
This latest was profound. Spiritually active and creative, very self determined. He actually offered to legally give me rights to a piece of land as part of a sort of "live-in pre-nuptial agreement" to guarantee that if things did not work out, I would not be left without resources because where we'd be living at, I would not be able to obtain resources for myself. I would be giving up a job and affordable housing to live a life with him and he understood that. While it's not going to work out because he is not as willing to make the same acknowledgement of emotional responsibility in a relationship, something new was given me to embody. And with the introduction of that new picture of who I could be, the single career mom is shedding and the one upon who it shall be bestowed is already chosen. She is dynamite! With this embodiment comes my resonance with what I always dreamed of having. Everything. And my embodiment of it will draw the right man able to be emotionally responsible AND understanding a woman's position. I cannot wait to meet him!
On my second experience with Maine I learned something. I was moved to draw a picture of my figurative self, with the spirits I had worked with over the preceding years by my side. I gave that picture to a young woman. I intuitively understood I was leaving the person I had become behind and bestowing it on her. Further evidence of this was after did this, her mother began speaking like I had, responding to her daughter as I would have mine. I could hear and see me in her. As authority over her daughter, she had claimed my 'skin' for herself. Her daughter can claim it when she is ready, I'm sure...and it will be awesome! She is a physically disabled young woman with great potential to heal that which is an inherited generational disability/dis-figuration of the leg.
From then until now I have been embodying a more independent woman, no longer a victim and learning to walk as a sovereign being in full oneness within herself. After 4 years of no intimate relationships other than with my children, I had finally invited in the experience of more intimate relationships outside the home; community, female friends and romantic with men. I was still solitary in controlling resources, being independent. I have been embodying an empowered woman, respected. With each "no thank you" comes a replacement with that which is closer to what I want in an intimate partner. Greater and greater self awareness, respect and appreciation in each man I "go through".
This latest was profound. Spiritually active and creative, very self determined. He actually offered to legally give me rights to a piece of land as part of a sort of "live-in pre-nuptial agreement" to guarantee that if things did not work out, I would not be left without resources because where we'd be living at, I would not be able to obtain resources for myself. I would be giving up a job and affordable housing to live a life with him and he understood that. While it's not going to work out because he is not as willing to make the same acknowledgement of emotional responsibility in a relationship, something new was given me to embody. And with the introduction of that new picture of who I could be, the single career mom is shedding and the one upon who it shall be bestowed is already chosen. She is dynamite! With this embodiment comes my resonance with what I always dreamed of having. Everything. And my embodiment of it will draw the right man able to be emotionally responsible AND understanding a woman's position. I cannot wait to meet him!
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Me and MY Vegetarianism
So, an interaction came which allowed me to more boldly examine my reasons for being a vegetarian. Love and acceptance will do that, FWI. (yes, it's the cowboy thing, stop watching me blush, get your own cuteness, focus!focus! heehee) A bit of word wandering through my thoughtscape.....
I am a mother. I give up parts of my body with love and affection, joy and pleasure in the doing. To take leaves, seeds, nuts, beans, fruit from plants, bushes and trees feels alot like that to me. A partaking of a part of the body that is also a part of the consciousness of our mother, the Earth, is like partaking of her milk in my perceptual workings. I know not everything we eat in the grocery store is so "humanely" harvested, leaving the body of a plant to continue it's full life cycle. It's the best I can do without land of my own and the green thumb to nurture it.
I was purely vegan for a while and then circumstances came that did not facilitate it so I considered adding dairy. As I felt whether or not adding cheese to my diet would be appropriate for me, I was completely enveloped in love. It was profound and immediate. Animals WILL nurture us from their bodies in all the love, joy and pleasure I would do the same with my own children for. I know not every dairy product in the grocery store is humanely created. It's the best I can do without a yurt and tribe with which to follow a herd of goats or cattle around.
I, in myself, came to the result that we exist for the pure engagement and joy of it. When life stops becoming engaging for us, we die, we give up on it. We're just another plant, animal, mineral with senses that relish our environment and in that relishing, we send appreciation into the Earth from which we come and she shares in that with us. If the Earth needs anything right now, it's a relishing in her qualities and textures.
So, I ask myself, I ask nature, mother, animals (this is not an "You should all ask or we should all ask", it really is purely me asking): why would you give your breath for mine? Why are my eyes worth ending your own pair's use to the mother? Does your skin relish in the elements less than mine? I think "hardly, we humans spend more time fretting than relishing anything really".
Things such as a young deer leaping out in front of me, looking at me squarely, then leaping back and forth in a clear invitation to chase......is not the joyful vibration in those hooves hitting the Earth's surface engaging to and delightful for her? Can't we stop at making it a game of tag, maybe at worst a playful tackle instead of an arrow in the side or bullet to the head? We can take each other's breath away without ending our ability to breath another day. Is my moody breath worth ending your joyful one so much more in tune with the elements? Why would you put my life above yours?
And frankly, I know breathairianism is real. So, in truth, eating is not needed for my life to continue. You're not giving your life to preserve mine. I only eat as much as I do instead of simply tastes here and there for the communal pleasure of it because I smoke and when I smoke, I drink fluids to keep my throat hydrated. The fluids drown my digestive system so I eat food to absorb them...a whole chain reaction. I have felt my system kick in, a burst of energy go to my stomach from the core of my being when it began to feel hunger and then immense peace. I was burning the energy I myself was generating. My digestive system died completely the last time I was in Maine and when it came back online, it was functioning very differently, a new system completely. Not everyone who has become breatharian has had to experience that extreme of a change. I was raised in an extreme that did not facilitate the transition. Others transition much more gently.
As for other people; they believe their lives depend upon eating, especially meat and whether or not animals are giving up their lives to sustain the human's, well that's between them and them (human and animal). Who am I to determine permission? Don't make me, I won't like it! To some it's a holiest of communions, being a part of the circle of life. I've killed enough sacred cows in my time, I don't need to go around murdering everyone else's. Don't make me responsible for killing yours. I won't like it!
I'm just putting myself out there because doing so is engaging ;) And maybe someone else could use it as a "you're not alone, you're not crazy".
The biggest determining factor before these questions came was when a neighbor said she was going fishing and she'd leave a fish from her catch in a bucket of water downhill from my camp. I prayed she wouldn't. That would mean I'd have to kill it. I'd been fishing before and the idea of decapitating that fish.....I just couldn't do it! ones crunching....cringe! Too many horror movies! If I couldn't do the the killing, how could I do the partaking? I have had fish as pets and those darn things would follow us from one end of the tank to the other. They nibbled our fingers and let us pet them if we stuck our fingers in. They're quite the little characters! They'd group up in the corner of the tank closest to where my children would be playing and watch for hours. I swear, they were more doting than I was! I've had similar interactions with fish in ponds when swimming. And now I am to cut off a head and watch a body flop around in shock? I just couldn't do it.
I've had a pet rabbit that would play 'fetch' with one of our pet cats. There is no natural law that governs "predators" absolutely. The longest living pet dog was fed a vegan diet...seriously. I've had a skunk put it's front feet up between mine on a step and just brightly look at me one night before it did it's skunky waddle off. The neighbors who were gun-toting hunters with an obnoxious dog that barked threateningly at everything...well those skunks backed right up to their screen door and sprayed right into their house another evening. You're telling me animals don't respond according to our personalities? lol The next day when the hunters were moving their shed boasting about how they knew that skunk nest was under there and they were going to shoot 'em...guns aimed as the shed moved....yeah, I just watched entertained, not giving up that I knew exactly where the skunks lived and it weren't there! *mischievous grin* Animals are enchanted with us completely (either that or we're just the biggest, freakiest show in the circus....wouldn't blame them , there, really lol). That scene in the movie "Babe" where all the animals are watching the man dance for the pig through the window.....not an exaggeration, in my experience, I swear. And the mother even loves her little ticks. seriously. I camped out in someone's lawn for a night. Woke up with a whole herd of the little critters nestled in on me. As I saw them I was completely enveloped in love, felt just like I did when breast feeding my children. "I know you're enjoying this", I said the the mother, "but I am not, so they're going to have to go with what they've already sucked out of me" and I painstakingly removed the things. sheesh! creepy! but true and adored by the mother of all. If you took one of my children from my breast, cut off it's head and ate it, I wouldn't feel like a part of the circle of love. I can guarantee it! Though I know if it was some requirement, the mother would fill me with that love that feels nothing but it's warmth instead. When I came down from that manipulation, I wouldn't be happy with anybody, however, I can tell ya that! You'd have to keep me perpetually wrapped in it until the day of my last breath!
So, obviously not everyone has the experiences I do of animals and thus I am fully aware my choices are my own, for me only. I don't even decide for my own children, who do eat meat, knowing where it comes from exactly. I don't feel condemned by them and they don't feel condemned by me. I like to think I can have the same nature of relationship with the entire human community. For those who don't find that possible with me, well, let's just say, it's an honor to be found so engaging and thus life affirming ;)
Oh, and yes, population control: research has shown that animals NOT under duress reproduce less. So, overpopulation is due to stress. Instead of killing, a less traumatic relationship within creation solves that problem, I haven't any more questions.
I am a mother. I give up parts of my body with love and affection, joy and pleasure in the doing. To take leaves, seeds, nuts, beans, fruit from plants, bushes and trees feels alot like that to me. A partaking of a part of the body that is also a part of the consciousness of our mother, the Earth, is like partaking of her milk in my perceptual workings. I know not everything we eat in the grocery store is so "humanely" harvested, leaving the body of a plant to continue it's full life cycle. It's the best I can do without land of my own and the green thumb to nurture it.
I was purely vegan for a while and then circumstances came that did not facilitate it so I considered adding dairy. As I felt whether or not adding cheese to my diet would be appropriate for me, I was completely enveloped in love. It was profound and immediate. Animals WILL nurture us from their bodies in all the love, joy and pleasure I would do the same with my own children for. I know not every dairy product in the grocery store is humanely created. It's the best I can do without a yurt and tribe with which to follow a herd of goats or cattle around.
I, in myself, came to the result that we exist for the pure engagement and joy of it. When life stops becoming engaging for us, we die, we give up on it. We're just another plant, animal, mineral with senses that relish our environment and in that relishing, we send appreciation into the Earth from which we come and she shares in that with us. If the Earth needs anything right now, it's a relishing in her qualities and textures.
So, I ask myself, I ask nature, mother, animals (this is not an "You should all ask or we should all ask", it really is purely me asking): why would you give your breath for mine? Why are my eyes worth ending your own pair's use to the mother? Does your skin relish in the elements less than mine? I think "hardly, we humans spend more time fretting than relishing anything really".
Things such as a young deer leaping out in front of me, looking at me squarely, then leaping back and forth in a clear invitation to chase......is not the joyful vibration in those hooves hitting the Earth's surface engaging to and delightful for her? Can't we stop at making it a game of tag, maybe at worst a playful tackle instead of an arrow in the side or bullet to the head? We can take each other's breath away without ending our ability to breath another day. Is my moody breath worth ending your joyful one so much more in tune with the elements? Why would you put my life above yours?
And frankly, I know breathairianism is real. So, in truth, eating is not needed for my life to continue. You're not giving your life to preserve mine. I only eat as much as I do instead of simply tastes here and there for the communal pleasure of it because I smoke and when I smoke, I drink fluids to keep my throat hydrated. The fluids drown my digestive system so I eat food to absorb them...a whole chain reaction. I have felt my system kick in, a burst of energy go to my stomach from the core of my being when it began to feel hunger and then immense peace. I was burning the energy I myself was generating. My digestive system died completely the last time I was in Maine and when it came back online, it was functioning very differently, a new system completely. Not everyone who has become breatharian has had to experience that extreme of a change. I was raised in an extreme that did not facilitate the transition. Others transition much more gently.
As for other people; they believe their lives depend upon eating, especially meat and whether or not animals are giving up their lives to sustain the human's, well that's between them and them (human and animal). Who am I to determine permission? Don't make me, I won't like it! To some it's a holiest of communions, being a part of the circle of life. I've killed enough sacred cows in my time, I don't need to go around murdering everyone else's. Don't make me responsible for killing yours. I won't like it!
I'm just putting myself out there because doing so is engaging ;) And maybe someone else could use it as a "you're not alone, you're not crazy".
The biggest determining factor before these questions came was when a neighbor said she was going fishing and she'd leave a fish from her catch in a bucket of water downhill from my camp. I prayed she wouldn't. That would mean I'd have to kill it. I'd been fishing before and the idea of decapitating that fish.....I just couldn't do it! ones crunching....cringe! Too many horror movies! If I couldn't do the the killing, how could I do the partaking? I have had fish as pets and those darn things would follow us from one end of the tank to the other. They nibbled our fingers and let us pet them if we stuck our fingers in. They're quite the little characters! They'd group up in the corner of the tank closest to where my children would be playing and watch for hours. I swear, they were more doting than I was! I've had similar interactions with fish in ponds when swimming. And now I am to cut off a head and watch a body flop around in shock? I just couldn't do it.
I've had a pet rabbit that would play 'fetch' with one of our pet cats. There is no natural law that governs "predators" absolutely. The longest living pet dog was fed a vegan diet...seriously. I've had a skunk put it's front feet up between mine on a step and just brightly look at me one night before it did it's skunky waddle off. The neighbors who were gun-toting hunters with an obnoxious dog that barked threateningly at everything...well those skunks backed right up to their screen door and sprayed right into their house another evening. You're telling me animals don't respond according to our personalities? lol The next day when the hunters were moving their shed boasting about how they knew that skunk nest was under there and they were going to shoot 'em...guns aimed as the shed moved....yeah, I just watched entertained, not giving up that I knew exactly where the skunks lived and it weren't there! *mischievous grin* Animals are enchanted with us completely (either that or we're just the biggest, freakiest show in the circus....wouldn't blame them , there, really lol). That scene in the movie "Babe" where all the animals are watching the man dance for the pig through the window.....not an exaggeration, in my experience, I swear. And the mother even loves her little ticks. seriously. I camped out in someone's lawn for a night. Woke up with a whole herd of the little critters nestled in on me. As I saw them I was completely enveloped in love, felt just like I did when breast feeding my children. "I know you're enjoying this", I said the the mother, "but I am not, so they're going to have to go with what they've already sucked out of me" and I painstakingly removed the things. sheesh! creepy! but true and adored by the mother of all. If you took one of my children from my breast, cut off it's head and ate it, I wouldn't feel like a part of the circle of love. I can guarantee it! Though I know if it was some requirement, the mother would fill me with that love that feels nothing but it's warmth instead. When I came down from that manipulation, I wouldn't be happy with anybody, however, I can tell ya that! You'd have to keep me perpetually wrapped in it until the day of my last breath!
So, obviously not everyone has the experiences I do of animals and thus I am fully aware my choices are my own, for me only. I don't even decide for my own children, who do eat meat, knowing where it comes from exactly. I don't feel condemned by them and they don't feel condemned by me. I like to think I can have the same nature of relationship with the entire human community. For those who don't find that possible with me, well, let's just say, it's an honor to be found so engaging and thus life affirming ;)
Oh, and yes, population control: research has shown that animals NOT under duress reproduce less. So, overpopulation is due to stress. Instead of killing, a less traumatic relationship within creation solves that problem, I haven't any more questions.
Friday, January 20, 2017
When you enter a field.....
It may appear that you have been delivered to a town/place as a victim, as one in need. It could be, in fact, that the place has been delivered instead unto you. Every community is a field in which seeds can be planted, plants can be watered and from which fruit can be eaten. How we arrive there does not necessarily govern the role we are to play there.
And when we enter a field...do not be deceived about where the governing spirit may reside. It is not always in the selectman's home or governor's mansion. No. The governing spirit of a place can be residing in the temple which gets drunk every day and sleeps in the park. From there, it sees all things, the true heart of a community. If it is treated poorly, it may fly from it's abode in the vessel in the park to posses the selectman, the governor, to enact more confining laws upon the community and then go get drunk and enjoy the chaos it has created in vengeance for the way it was treated.
One will often find that where the poorest are treated badly, the heavier the taxes and the more controlling the laws governing. One might find that the kinder and more generous the community is with the "lowest" of themselves, the less governing the authorities.
No, not everything is necessarily what it seems. The "neediest" may be the wisest able to deliver the average population from under mountains of conditioning: familial, societal, social. How much we are able to deliver others from under depends on the mountains we have moved from upon/within ourselves.
You may be the shepard in any given moment, and in any given moment, you may be a part of the field.
And when we enter a field...do not be deceived about where the governing spirit may reside. It is not always in the selectman's home or governor's mansion. No. The governing spirit of a place can be residing in the temple which gets drunk every day and sleeps in the park. From there, it sees all things, the true heart of a community. If it is treated poorly, it may fly from it's abode in the vessel in the park to posses the selectman, the governor, to enact more confining laws upon the community and then go get drunk and enjoy the chaos it has created in vengeance for the way it was treated.
One will often find that where the poorest are treated badly, the heavier the taxes and the more controlling the laws governing. One might find that the kinder and more generous the community is with the "lowest" of themselves, the less governing the authorities.
No, not everything is necessarily what it seems. The "neediest" may be the wisest able to deliver the average population from under mountains of conditioning: familial, societal, social. How much we are able to deliver others from under depends on the mountains we have moved from upon/within ourselves.
You may be the shepard in any given moment, and in any given moment, you may be a part of the field.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Take a page from the book of Job
I see alot lately of posts being shared on Face Book that are affirmations about god having their back, god taking care of their enemies, etc. "Breakthrough" is a big seller. It's all a bunch of brainwashing, the attempt to brainwash one's self, the technique peddled by those who want money or notoriety. It results in a momentary high with an "amen!" and then it's back to complaining about a shitty life, who is and is not good to them, etc.
A true breakthrough only comes when one can take a page out the script of the bible book of Job. I'll sum the book up in human terms for ya:
Satan seduces god into a cock-waving competition. The wave of god's cock= Job. The wave of Satan's cock=the suffering he can cause Job.
Now, Job does all the mental exercises those doing their own self brainwashing with affirmations are doing (and yes, I did myself at one time). They are finding ways to justify what is happening to them. The false comforters are doing the same for Job (as the spiritual hustlers are doing in selling their statements of affirmation and declarations). Eventually Job gets a strong sense of self that is indisputable. He justifies himself and demands god do the same. Yes, god huffs and puffs and bluffs then acknowledges Job's position with action: restoration of all Job had lost. We all know those kinds of people: they will not acknowledge your being right with their words (their ego is too fragile and will not admit to being wrong), but they will do what is needed of them because it is the right thing to do. God admitted he could not justify his actions (or lack of them on Job's behalf) in action, if not in words. Neither god nor Satan won that cock-waving contest. Job did. The end.
So, what would it look like to be like Job in this day and age, in plain English language? Number one: we all know pissing contests are absurdly immature. Too many of these affirmations are a "god has my back not yours" pissing contest. Drop them. If all your misery is what god having your back looks like......call him on it. Seriously. "You're doing a piss poor job of showing me you have my back!" If you're a man: "Hey, hypocrite! You made me in your image. If you're finding fault in my choices, you're not liking to look in the mirror, it's about time you got over it and changed yourself, not me! I cannot help how you made me!" If you're a woman, fire away with glee: "You didn't like what you saw and made me to be what you were lacking as you saw fit according to your mirror-the man you made in your image. You need ME! Stop treating me as if I am less than the answer to YOUR prayers, baby!". Seriously. Stop taking the blame and making excuses for your own state of being and affairs. "Hey, god, people are smart enough to not expect an infant to go out, get a job and feed themselves: I can't be expected to be or do anything more than what you gave me to be!" (I'd add 'retard!' to the end of that, but that's just the level of 'irreverent' I can be.....and it worked for me. Not kidding). Wait for the huff and puff and bluff to pass then walk on with your head held high, because your restoration is coming and everything that happens to you from that point is there to take you into that restoration. Call god on his bullshit, make your own breakthrough and then prepare for real miracles to happen. Argue for and assert your innocence to every thought, demon and human being who comes at you with accusations of being anything less than the answer to god's prayers and/or his own perfect creation.
After being inspired to write this, I happened to then come across someone else with a similar approach (take what serves and leave the rest as in all we watch, hear or read- but woohoo! synchronicity! I am on the right path, babies):
Matt Kahn, spiritual gangsta
A true breakthrough only comes when one can take a page out the script of the bible book of Job. I'll sum the book up in human terms for ya:
Satan seduces god into a cock-waving competition. The wave of god's cock= Job. The wave of Satan's cock=the suffering he can cause Job.
Now, Job does all the mental exercises those doing their own self brainwashing with affirmations are doing (and yes, I did myself at one time). They are finding ways to justify what is happening to them. The false comforters are doing the same for Job (as the spiritual hustlers are doing in selling their statements of affirmation and declarations). Eventually Job gets a strong sense of self that is indisputable. He justifies himself and demands god do the same. Yes, god huffs and puffs and bluffs then acknowledges Job's position with action: restoration of all Job had lost. We all know those kinds of people: they will not acknowledge your being right with their words (their ego is too fragile and will not admit to being wrong), but they will do what is needed of them because it is the right thing to do. God admitted he could not justify his actions (or lack of them on Job's behalf) in action, if not in words. Neither god nor Satan won that cock-waving contest. Job did. The end.
So, what would it look like to be like Job in this day and age, in plain English language? Number one: we all know pissing contests are absurdly immature. Too many of these affirmations are a "god has my back not yours" pissing contest. Drop them. If all your misery is what god having your back looks like......call him on it. Seriously. "You're doing a piss poor job of showing me you have my back!" If you're a man: "Hey, hypocrite! You made me in your image. If you're finding fault in my choices, you're not liking to look in the mirror, it's about time you got over it and changed yourself, not me! I cannot help how you made me!" If you're a woman, fire away with glee: "You didn't like what you saw and made me to be what you were lacking as you saw fit according to your mirror-the man you made in your image. You need ME! Stop treating me as if I am less than the answer to YOUR prayers, baby!". Seriously. Stop taking the blame and making excuses for your own state of being and affairs. "Hey, god, people are smart enough to not expect an infant to go out, get a job and feed themselves: I can't be expected to be or do anything more than what you gave me to be!" (I'd add 'retard!' to the end of that, but that's just the level of 'irreverent' I can be.....and it worked for me. Not kidding). Wait for the huff and puff and bluff to pass then walk on with your head held high, because your restoration is coming and everything that happens to you from that point is there to take you into that restoration. Call god on his bullshit, make your own breakthrough and then prepare for real miracles to happen. Argue for and assert your innocence to every thought, demon and human being who comes at you with accusations of being anything less than the answer to god's prayers and/or his own perfect creation.
After being inspired to write this, I happened to then come across someone else with a similar approach (take what serves and leave the rest as in all we watch, hear or read- but woohoo! synchronicity! I am on the right path, babies):
Matt Kahn, spiritual gangsta
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