Letting it go! A child thing exposed by a dream

Woke remembering my dream: I ranted as a man held my daughter in place with intimidating words and as I told him to get off, he taunted me by beginning to kiss her chest and belly. He was not getting off and if I persisted, it would only get worse.

So tired of processing! Thought I was done with the stories!
But fine, what's in it for me? How am I doing this to me? I see plenty of it in my outer circumstances, though it is not my daughter being energetically or physically assaulted.
It's not a choice of my conscious mind or even this human experience, my emotional body. This is deep seated, ancestral shit from the beginning of time.
I have marveled as my daughter told me, yeah she hated a guy but he let her play games on his phone and that was the coolest thing!
In another case a young woman told me how she went to a friend's house to ride a horse. As she was helped to saddle up the horse by the husband he reached between her legs. "Why did you ever go back there?!", I asked. "I wanted to ride horses!", she replied.
I see a young girl being pounded on full force with all his might and anger by her brother. She just continues with what she's doing until he says something. She tattles at his words but never utters a word at the physical pounding: she was getting what she was wanting while it was happening.
"Wait until your father gets home!" is our cultural habit. All "problems" are brought to the man by dis-empowered women. She brings it to him and then has no choice but to be subject to his decision and enforcement even if she disagrees with it because she brought it to him and feels responsible for THAT decision. It is ingrained in our being to accept without even noticing physical assault and limitation. Guess what. ladies: we're allowed to seek out a second opinion! Just because we bring a problem to a man because we're overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, we can say "thanks anyways" if it feels wrong what he has decided!
Somehow I'm different. From the time I was young I would say "no way" to such exchanges. If I am to get what I want, I want the energetic exchange to be clean. Yet each time I make that choice I am punished in some way. Not simply by the human being who has what I would enjoy but by the universe as a whole in response to this wounded part of me in the deep, dark recesses of history.
I see it. I smell it. I know it is a part of me.
So, love and accept it. Give it to the subconscious to work out of it's own system.
And it's not just a little girl thing. Even little boys are out of touch with their bodies. Children's lips turn blue, teeth chatter and skin burns while playing at the pool. The spirit and mind lord it over matter constantly. Boys are more likely to get over it as they take on the enforcer role and their assertions are responded to more seriously. But we live in a culture of emasculated male bodies: told when and how to be somewhere, working, eating, defecating, voting.....
Then as we become adults we let channeled spirits rule it over us and our bodies, our thoughts and way of life: "God's word" in a variety of forms, published and put out there, spoken and shared. "If we were in your physical shoes....". Well, ya aren't. Our physical shoes are speaking, too.
Physicality held in immaturity, "unruly".
We can send thought into our physical body for processing. It can scheme, it can plot, it can arrive at conclusions. It just doesn't like to "show the work".....too slow and limiting all that explaining! But it CAN and will if we are patient and give it reason.
Such victims don't know they can say no, can complain. How many times have I myself said "Beat me, rape me, take from me, but emotional, intellectual, spiritual violation is worse"? Well, it isn't. Our bodies cope and spare us their stories.
So, I let my body let go of it's story.
There is a clean "no" that can be uttered clearly and decisively without resistance in it. THAT is the state of being we achieved. Now it is time to extend it to the body.
Drawn into the world to be poked, prodded and injected with immunizations before the first breaths are complete.........
So, today I treat my body gently. I make a choice in respect to it's condition. It is worthy of consideration. I honor it's opinion. I honor it's experience. I honor it's fears, insecurities, indecision...all on levels my mind has no control over. I feel them come up, things that have been long hidden as trust arises. I have been singing to it of late, like a parent sensing the cuddling in of a child listening to a lullaby. It's an etheric connection, full of sweetness.
As I go through all this, I look with compassion upon family, the "black sheep" wound, the dark horse arriving on the doorstep bringing what they felt like was condemnation and judgement when it was only me, living my purpose, my mission to bring healing, light upon the darkness. The good news is: the work is done for you and my cells emanate the healing, making it available to yours so it can begin from within you as if I had nothing to do with it. One day we will all be so full of love, no memory of me as the dark horse will remain. I'll simply be another member of a big, loving family. For that, I cannot hate me.
Synchronistically, I finished writing this and went to Facebook where the following was posted by someone else and ended up on my wall:

'Friend, hope for the Guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think... and think... while you are alive.
What you call "salvation" belongs to the time
before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will rejoin with the ecstatic
just because the body is rotten--
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the
City of Death.

If you make love with the divine now, in the next
life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the Guest is being searched for,
it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that
does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.'

- Kabir

Deeper into poverty consciousness and domestic violence/veterans

    * At the end of this, I took a deep breath and let it sink in: my father had been a marine. It has everything to do with me and childhood wounding. I felt the swirling, deep inner movement of energy..releasing, healing. I sensed the heart-felt only desire that was had for me: "be wealthy and happy...be successful, be free, Stacey" In that moment, the sun broke through the clouds to shine upon me. The deepest recesses of me now see.*

     I'm getting an education I don't think I was wanting and in my circumstances, I'm even more not wanting. I'm not wanting because in order to get it I had to come see it in an intimacy I only wanted loving interactions in. I was envisioning for myself communal living amongst those with similar consciousness. I was done learning more about things like poverty consciousness, the perception of lack and domestic violence. Apparently declaring one's self done brings forth circumstances to complete our education. Apparently this education is needed for the next phase of my experience. Of course I'm looking attentively into as much of it as possible for my own reflection so it can quickly be corrected. Apparently I wouldn't have been open to it if I hadn't been put in a position where I felt stuck between love and hate, action and "it's not appropriate to act on this". Forced to watch with eyes pinned wide open. In this dark place I become quiet and can do nothing but watch and listen, constantly pulling myself out of frustration. It's a place of pain for no matter what action I take, I earn enmity. No action at all I'm getting the blame and enmity which is simply to them normal interactions within a loving family. I'm caught between crying and the urge to purge with verbal self-defense if not outright beating someone over the head. But then realization comes. I get it. I hope it's all I'm here to "get".
    I have a single $1 tube of potato chips I am sharing with my son. A little girl comes; "Can I have some?". "Sure, try one, see if you like the flavor". "Why do you have all this stuff?", she asks. I sit in wonder. She has two Party size bags of chips she has already eaten out of. I have a single little tube of chips she wants to eat of even though she doesn't like the flavor of them. It's because every single day she is told "We don't have enough". Company comes and asks for some  and the reply comes "There's not enough". I realize I could give the shirt off my back, all my possessions and everything I ever get to eat to them. I could be standing naked and hungry before them, a bird could put a bread crumb in my hand and that little girl will still ask "Can I have that?". Her cabinet full is "Not enough" and my little tube is "abundance, enough, contentment, happiness" because that is what I am feeling. My breadcrumb would be the same thing next to the loaf of bread they already asked of and took from me...an abundance next to their lack.
  I try to explain this to her parent. "No, it's because the other day....." It does not want to be seen.
The rock and the hard place is also: I decided to raise my children without eating issues. They eat when they're hungry and as much as they need, no more and no less. So, we have a casual attitude about food. We almost never argue over it. They know whose is whose and if one eats theirs immediately while the other saves theirs for later the other never takes it or complains the other has something when they do not. Sometimes they'll ask and most of the time, it's "sure", they'll share. Our eating schedule is off the other family's because they're on school's eating schedule, move like a herd. Food not being an issue, I'm not forcing mine to eat when and what someone else is. So, I'm being blamed as the problem. If their children see my children eating outside the herd, they do not remember my children had nothing while they ate, they only see my children eating when the herd is not: it's not fair! And parents incapable of "dealing with" the whining blame me.
     I've had less of my own resources and am blamed for appearing to have more, flat out being told by the mother who knows exactly what I have that I have more than they do. They have alcohol to drink at night, a new dvd player, $5 subs and pre-made breakfast sandwiches. Even the parents see my $1 tubes of chips as more than all they horde and hide so they don't have to share with me OR their own children. I am accused of being selfish and not sharing. Their poverty-colored glasses will never allow them to see how much they've taken from or hurt me. They will always be the wounded party.
  The other aspect of this I have been given insight into is equally a rock and hard place situation. The domestic violence/veterans. I see these men who have served 20+ years in the military and they all have issues with domestic violence. They've spent 20+ years of being degraded by those to whom they MUST be loyal. They have it ingrained into them that one beats, humiliates, degrades "family", "the brotherhood". This is loyalty, this is love of country, of family. You NEVER turn your back on them and you never leave. They're fed on fear-induction/terrorization, prejudice, emasculation, judgement. It's love. So they come out and raise up their family in the same way.
  "Out here", you hit me, degrade me, insult me and judge me, you are NOT my friend the next morning. I've called the cops on you and there's a restraining order saying "stay the fuck away from me you freak". To you, I'm crazy, unfaithful, unloving and whatever other judgmental label fits your perception. They've spent 20+ years doing what they don't want on top of 12 years of public schooling that taught them the same thing....."energetic rape" and victim-hood to it is our OBLIGATION if we are loving, responsible, productive members of a community and family. They cannot comprehend our unwillingness to engage in such relationships.  There is not a single interaction with these people that will not end in energetic violence and accusation of us being the cause of it. I watch a brother physically pound on his sister with his fists and all his might. His mom says at her daughter's complaint "He's angry/upset ". His violence was just excused and her daughter told she must accept and allow it as mom chases him down to comfort and console HIM. Why was he upset? It was his sister's turn to choose what to watch on TV according to the parental designated system. Holy fuck. No, I don't want my children "playing" with them, watching TV with them or dating them. To even speak to, sit next to them is to invite conflict...and to be related? I BETTER be willing to take it! from their perspective.
  Their children beat on, break and destroy anything they play with. Of course after energetically assaulting my children and destroying their things my children are going to say "no thank you" at requests to play with their things. My children have been told no when wanting to play with the other children's things though they've never harmed any of their things. My children's "no" brings on the bullying (which they would have gotten even if they said yes anyways, just not as intensely as after the "no") and MY CHILDREN are blamed for causing the bullying. There is no winning/success in interactions with them. Women cause their own rape and children their own bullying according to their perception.  Except for them. They're righteous and good and loving and faithful and just. They are incapable of seeing it any other way. To even try is to go against a life time of defending this perspective, self-judgement and everything that goes along with it. An emasculated human being is too insecure for such things in most cases.
    And yeah, they're Trump supporters.

The man of the house

     You won't find another woman who loves men more than me. I DID, however have to give up on them. There was enough for me to discover about my own psyche, I had to choose to leave theirs alone. After 4 years of focusing on myself, clearing, unraveling, undoing, clearing.......becoming more loving and accepting it still baffled me that the men drawn to me were of the very same nature as the men who motivated me to give up on them. Still wasn't going to focus on it. I was building stronger relationships with women and delighting in it. My energy was changing profoundly. That journey is just way too exciting and fulfilling to worry about what or why men are doing anything. They were free of me; my expectations, my judgments, my worry for them. So why are they still being so damn creepy? None of my business! I don't want to know. I tried my best and failed, got nothing. Leaving that shit alone.....
     Then the other day I got fed up with the whole financial abundance thing. WTF?! I don't want to hear another "There's not enough". I don't want to hear another pep talk. I don't want to hear another meme. I don't want to understand it. I don't want to fix it. "Just let it be already!". I am letting that shit go!
     That's when I was given a peek behind the curtain. "REALLY?!"  Behind the mask of a man who has a right to 'his' money, special privileges when there are resources and then plays the hero who goes without eating so he can feed his family is one who feels separated and alienated by this role he must play in order to be good and righteous: "The Man of The House" fulfilling his "responsibilities". When he's overspending on things he does not need, he's doing it so he can fulfill his responsibility as "man of the family". Women reinforce this obligation to take selfishly with their insistence "Daddy worked so hard today, let's give him the best cut of meat". Then when he's fulfilled his responsibility of taking special privileges, leaving his family in poverty it's martyr time. The stoic hero goes without while his family pigs out. The "sorry for him" and further special coddling comes which eats away at the pride he's supposed to feel at fulfilling his responsibility of being the martyr and going without. Behind all that mess and baggage is one who is crying out "I just want to be part of my own family!" They become isolated physically; retreating to a man cave, hunting, drinking, the garage, working, sitting perpetually in front of the TV, etc. Meanwhile, the unfilled aspect wanting attention goes through a cycle of being oppressive (insecure assertion of authority which they do in order to be a responsible head of the household) and an up-your-ass, give you no privacy, clingy, needy, insecure child (fulfilling his responsibility to love his family). The resentment polluting his "interest/affection/loving attention" feels sadistic to the women who feel attacked with it. Instead of nourishing, he's draining.
   So, my gift to all men everywhere ready, wanting and able to accept it: it's OK to let that shit go! Ya know what? We just want you to be a part of the family! It's OK to simply be a man who is a part of a family, who is a part of a household. We WANT you to feast when we feast, bleed when we bleed and share in what we are sharing.
  With all the love in my heart: "Let that shit go!" or don't. The concept of a man being simply a man and a part of the household, family, community sounds VERY good to me.

Beauty celebrating her beast

  I began to wake this morning as a new aspect came in. So sweet. serene! I got the sense of a new contract.....a new agreement or extension in physicality or something, a romantic feeling even. My birthday gift! I found a small silver band in the grass right in front of me when I sat out with my coffee this morning. It's not likely real silver. Just a metal ring that fell off of something, a bit bent out of shape. Somehow I knew it was for me and it fits perfect on my ring finger of my right hand, nice and shiny.
   Today's undoing is the end of oppressing of the "beast" with the overwhelmed victim and softening the beast with love.
      News came I had to be at an appointment in person or lose benefits. The victim wanted to be overwhelmed: no transportation, the bus ticket promised was not delivered last time it was important. The "beast" wanted burst forth with ranting of the injustice, unreasonableness of such requirements.
     Not giving over to either, we'll let the subconscious come up with the solution. My only job is to have the two see one another, acknowledge, know one another without judgement...understand the other. Crying, tearing up inside as she dances in the fire of the anger raised. This is her power, this monster of which she was always afraid, who she always judged, who lacked the clarity, the allowing in of love to temper and was all premature and/or drastic action.....undermining one another. They don't know the resolution while "his" strength holds her from falling into discouragement and depression and her love and appreciation hold back fits and action.
    The subjective "she" acknowledges the loving intent of an assertion: "We'll cover you when ours come in". "His" strength moves her mouth open: "I know you would, but if you had a broken foot you could not offer to walk 10 miles for me. You have a limitation: that is all it is, no judgement, used to have it myself......it's like a possession. When you get your resources you will not spend them wisely enough to cover me. You WILL have to go to a food bank because I CANNOT do more out of mine for you or my children will be starving at the end of this month. " "We wouldn't let that happen". "I know you consciously wouldn't even dream of it, but you have a limitation we BOTH show love by respecting. I have to respect you won't be able to follow through and you could respect, lovingly accept you DO have this limitation".
    Where ever the chips may fall, I'm feeling my strength without it being overbearing. "Kundalini" is staying lit.
   I did this once before, but didn't know how to let the love in. A man I was involved with offered to help me haul something. "I would love for you to do it for me, however I cannot allow it. I cannot allow myself to go soft because I cannot count on you to be here consistently or permanently. If I go soft, I'll have a hell of time doing it when you don't answer my call." He understood and respected.
  Many would say we must not focus on what is not wanted. That leads to ignoring the obvious, what needs addressing...what needs love and acknowledgement so it go back into the darkness at rest/in peace. One moment of acknowledgement and love does not mean the majority of time/energy/addressing isn't on the love able to flow between us, establishing THAT as the major vibration. A brief "no" in a sea of "yeses". We'll live.
  So, undoing this day: the division between beauty and beast, we'll be reset tonight into wholeness come morning. Exciting!

Unraveling abundance issues: an unexpected ending

    I thought I was undoing my own abundance issues. I was approved for expedited food stamps and should have received them in a day or two. The month's worth of food I had brought to sustain us was used communally, taken for granted by those who had their own. Because the food was eaten up without impunity, my cash for incidentals was quickly gone through. Wednesday.
   Thursday no card, no surprise, I'm at ease with apparent lack, I know I shall for each day what I need always. Meanwhile, the family who ate through all my food while splurging on snacks for themselves, alcohol to drink, etc met a glitch in the system and their food stamps which were due did not come in. Panic hit them. I breath. I'm still at ease for I know. Proving or triggering, it serves me. They're not quite as evolved and that's why they sought me out and wanted to "help" me. My children eat maybe two meals per day. I'm vegetarian and the children are mostly. Due to circumstances 2 years ago they were re-introduced to meet and haven't completely transitioned back yet. That's fine with me. Snacks, candy, that sort of thing, they'll taste and the rest might sit for a weak or even a year. I don't have to monitor or limit them. We're self-regulated, naturally developed minimalists. The ones we are living with haven't developed that yet. Three meals per day, snacks and devouring manner...like vacuum cleaners. Their main sustenance is meat. I get that. So, no triggers for me. I love the hell out of them and they love the hell out of me and my children. Their children go to public school and so are lacking in proper sleep. Unless children are going to bed at 6pm, any school aged publicly educated children are going to be short on sleep. The feel hungry and lack and most will point to needing more food and more things when in fact it's a shortage of proper sleep. It's just a fact issue-packed that is not going to change over night ---parent's working hours, perceived need to work, cost of daycare otherwise due to change in how much family members support one another.....So, the sense of lack of abundance begins and is fused into our entire being from kindergarten. There's no judgment. I'm simply choosing different for my children.
  Friday- still no card and I'm fine, my children are content, the rest of the household is in a complete state of distress. Suddenly everyone has cravings and is "starving" which puts pressure on adults who feel responsible, inadequate and desperate (normal response by the general mass consciousness to perceived potential of impending doom). I pointed that out and kept on in my state of ease. Spoke to a neighbor and asked if she knew of an organization we could call who would bring by like just a box of pasta and some cough medicine (all the children, one by one, started getting wicked coughs and fevers) . Instead of referring me to anyone she brought us cold medicine and a week's worth of groceries. I was surprised and pleased. My housemate cried in relief. We put a bunch of party pizzas in the oven. Some neighbor children came in to play and asked if they could eat with us. I was looked to. "I would, there's plenty". Through all these past few days my daughter had been asked what was the one thing she wanted. "Chocolate". Every store run brought treats for everyone, minus her chocolate. Having brought in an abundance and knowing my housemates had plenty of treats stashed in their room away from the rest of us, I felt it was OK for me to take the little bit of change I had left to get just a small piece of chocolate for my daughter. I biked to the store and sat outside to count my change. I heard a voice "Are you counting change?". With a joyful smile on my face and a heart rejoicing over the abundance: "Yes" and explained I was just getting a piece of chocolate for my daughter. "Well, let's go in and get her some", he said, "OK, thanks!". We sat quietly taking in the beautiful night air while he finished a cigarette, friendly conversation. As we waited in line to pay for the chocolate a man asked if I had a quarter. I did. I rode home feeling the flow in ease, joy and gracefulness...synchronicities and generosities were lining up beautifully. THAT is me, my state of being.
   Saturday-holy crap, still no food stamps on either front. Not a flinch out of me: we have a week's worth of food! I'm in complete ease. Dinner time came and a giant package of chicken was prepared with more than plenty for everyone to have a piece each, including the neighbor children who showed up asking for some again. Not a problem, each a piece and fill the rest of the way up with the mashed potatoes and corn we had prepared with it. "We don't have enough! Only when my kids have eaten, if there's some" snapped my housemate. "Are you serious?!", thought me. We had a week's worth of groceries for everyone, they obviously had SOME money stashed up with the extra food her husband was buying for himself, eating separately, hardly ever leaving the bedroom except to rant and put everyone else at disease (which never affect me-rejoiced in my and my children's proving: we were not even tempted to be compelled to join the dis-ease), going out to buy beer (not to any extreme, no drunkenness happening, one or two, a six pack between the two of them)....I saw food being brought into the bedroom to be hidden.....That's where my tearing up began. I rode my bike around the corner and allowed it to happen. Crying. Bringing the perspectives popping into my head into  balance with the opposite extreme. The sense of being a victim in this situation came like a girdle wanting to wrap it's self about my middle. I thanked it, felt love and appreciation for it like an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time but no thank you, we are not victims in this situation and I really don't want to embody that energy. That extreme would be met, usually be a 'righteous' rant, recruiting other's opinions to attack and criticize to stew 'justified' animosity...ugh, thank you for coming to my defense but not going back into that...heart broken tears finally come to an end and crooning of comfort begins. I hug and lean upon a tree as I do this for me and soon I am again centered, in a state of ease. It's not OK what is happening and I could not say I had come to a sudden realization or resolution in any way. I was simply trusting I was seeing in me everything I was feeling and I sensed as if two aspects of me sat upon their knees facing one another with hands grasped, sharing a seeing of oneanother's perspective thought not agreeing....I would have to allow it to be worked out subconsciously.
  Sunday as I lay relaxed half asleep in the morning I felt an orgasmic burst in my lower body rise up my left side. Ah...subconsciously, last night's tearing and coming undone has been resolved in me. A beautiful thing. No chance of food stamps for either party but plenty of groceries and they're still spending the "little, precarious" amount of money they have which I'm not inclined to feel is any of my business. They bought stronger cold medicine for my son because what we were given wasn't doing it. It worked, his fever broke and cough was less. Their children were getting over theirs. All was more than well from my perspective. I lie my perspective so I wasn't inclined to feel compelled to join in their continued distress. I was able to comfort during the worst of it, bring singing and dancing to all the children while the man kept himself separated and comforted with his stashes fo rhe and his wife.
  Monday, still no food stamps and I finally broke softly with my housemate. It is not like me to minimize another's situation and compare it to mine. I know the philosophy with which we were raised: "The man works and deserves to have good things for his work...the perks". So, as gently as I could muster with the force of the courage it took for me to "come clean" and tears of release as I spoke boldly.... I explained I was not sorry but really, she could not be nearly as troubled by this as me. I had absolutely nothing, she had alcohol and snacks and meals hidden aside. She was fine in comparison to me. I told her I wasn't trying to me mean and it is her home and she didn't need me criticizing, I love her dearly and really do fear creating animosity. This time it was she who did the comforting. A proving---I have been upgraded in the company I have been attracting. Normally I would have been kicked out in short order no matter how timidly I said anything.
  As she and her husband went to go to the store, she thought of me and an idea was given her: maybe, just maybe the mail had been late this day. In the meantime, we still had meatloaf in the fridge as well as a huge pack of chicken legs. The chicken legs I knew she would want to prepare when she was ready and the meatloaf would probably never get eaten. So, I popped the meatloaf in the oven, made mashed potatoes to go with it and threw together a bean salad with canned stuff in the pantry. her children were complaining there was nothing for after school snack to eat. My "excuse" for cooking-an after meal snack to hold them over until mom cooked dinner of the cheese and bread they were off to get at the store (yes, with all the food in the house they felt there was nothing for dinner and were off to spend their "little" money and no, I didn't care, I was experiencing inspiration). Rather quickly my housemate and her husband returned. There HAD been late mail delivery and in it WAS my food stamp card! Loud cries of delight. I would be off to the store to get the cheese and a few other things. Her children were spouting off the list of things they would be getting as were the parents. uh, er, "MY food stamps ?!" They have money. I didn't mind some cheese and of course I'd get treats but she was expecting me to fill the entire pantry for their entire family (of 8) with what is supposed to last three for 4 weeks because well, their food stamps would come any day and "of course" they would be buying for me (what THEY-her husband- felt we needed if they didn't overspend.......)  As we set off I explained to her daughter who HAD to come with us with her back back to 'help' carry 'everything' "All that was decided was needed for today was cheese, we can go tomorrow if we need more, we don't have to get everything today, it's getting late". She was horrified "We're only getting cheese?!", angry and beginning to cry. "No, I am setting the perspective so we don't overdo it unnecessarily". So, we came up with a quick list what we would use that night and treats. Toward the end, the request came: could she get some burritos for her husband (who obviously wasn't go to eat grilled cheese with the rest of us). "OK"  and then: "Can he get a soda?". I snapped there  "We already got two big bottles of soda and you have snacks and food for his dinner stashed in your room already and cash on hand you had planned on spending before my food stamps came" "All, right, all right, shhh", she looks around us. "No, nobody cares." I went inward as we finished up without getting the extra soda. "What had come over me?", I wondered. It's not like me to say no to something and especially not like me to be so blunt about it." "We had only $500 on Friday and now we only have $100, he's stressed because we didn't pay our bills with it". All three backpacks were filled and lighter bags to carry.  On the walk home it quietly came to me: The idea that a man works and makes the money and has a right to special treatment alienates him from the family. He feels isolated and alienated and alone. "OH!". The wife explained ot me he goes days without eating so "we" can eat at times. That is simply th eopposite end of the spectrum for symptoms of the very same thing: he must suffer, set aside, apart from, alienated from the family. It's ingrained into his familial and community programming: he's being "The man of the house".
     When we arrived home the children who stayed behind had candy and juices, he had bought himself burritos already. He decided to spend the "last" of their money on food and treats anyways. Their only bill was a washer and dryer rental. They have a list of groceries for me to buy for what she wants to make for dinner in two days.
  I began with a true story:
   In a jungle a woman was filmed for a documentary. She had a house full of children and pigs. The pigs were a status symbol, not for everyday eating. They were brought out for special occasions like weddings where prestige of providing the pig for the meal was demonstrated. So, the pigs' food was farmed for and given priority. The woman was being interviewed "My children are starving because we cannot grow enough food for them, we need white man's help here, we're desperate and suffering". My housemate had the same reaction I had originally "She's swimming in food, that's alot of bacon!". Food could be planted for the children instead of the pigs and the pigs could be eaten while the farming produce was being transitioned. But no. That is poverty consciousness and in her mind, her situation REALLY IS precarious. I explained ot my cousin while she was still in that strong reaction "THAT is what I see happening here", pointing to the bedroom where food and husband were stashed. I explained why I was given to react as I did over a simple soda and the understanding given when I asked why I was given such a strong reaction. "Your husband needs to be invited out of that bedroom to 'bleed' with his family. I do not see it as my job or mission. It is not an agenda I shall be adopting".  She got it. She agreed that was indeed the problem. She took one of the snack cakes I got for the children and myself despite having a stash of snack cakes in her closet which her daughter showed me just before we had left to go grocery shopping right in front of her mother. The consciousness of lack isn't cured in a moment. It probably won't even begin to change until after I get into my own housing. We (people) are that way. We don't usually make it our own until the carrier/embodier of it leaves us on our own. While it's not "fair", men don't change unless they perceive a need. The loss of a wife who wants to move into a higher consciousness is one of the few things that could initiate it. The wife in this case was raised with parents who stayed married unto the death of one and the remaining souse never remarried. She worries about what her father would think of her if she left her husband. Leaving with 6 children and an outdated skill set for employment, no family to take her in: to her it's impossible. In some respects I had it easier. My parents divorced and so I am not limited by a perceived need to stay married. I understand her perceived predicament and certainly wouldn't push for her to do any such thing. They are a sincerely devoutly loving family who have studied the Law of Attraction and such things. They DO want to improve their state of consciousness. They have come a very long way already from harsh military drill sergeant and upbringing in my family(wrought with alcoholism, etc.). I love and appreciate them dearly.
     I shall be taking things day by day in ease again. It is now Tuesday. I shall honor her lists to an acceptable degree each day until their food stamps come in. Not as any form of discipline I suppose I should be administering, but out of self-preservation, respect and honoring of their self-created situation. It wasn't primarily any undoing I was needing but insight I was being given for a deeper understanding of poverty consciousness. A gift to them should they receive it. The gift of quite a bit of proving for me. My consciousness was why I wanted here and each time I stand up and speak boldly, I am reminded: THIS is why I have been brought here. THIS is on what they are depending from me. THIS is what is appreciated. It's not my mission but it IS a gift to them and to me.

 

My abundance hypocrisy hiding at the bottom of intellectual analysis...

The juicy at the bottom of one of my rabbit holes found in reference to abundance......undoing it in me, delightfully.....................peek-a-boo, I see me!

I am given to reflect this morning:
The feeling of affront when approached on the street by someone who asks for money. It's amazing. The depth, the intensity. A magnificent wave of forceful energy brought forth by a simple question.
And it doesn't stop there. Oh, no. As you walk past the scene you see someone else approach with affront and disgust "Did they just ask you for money?!". Often times it goes even further, they simply MUST do something! managers are hunted down and demanded from: "There's someone out there asking for money!". In some cases cops are called. What a wave of energy! What fun it would be to look haggard and walk up to an uptight person and ask the question; "Can you spare some money?" lol Watch the dominoes fall in a row.........the spark to light the gunpowder trail leading to the explosive.....bwahahahaha talk about flow!
But that's not the point. 
Most people spend 12 years in school being programmed to be the type of person who can ask for and receive money "legitimately". Then there are degrees, certificates to prove one has undergone the training to wear a mask called a "professional" who can then "legitimately" ask for money. All this pomp and effort and mask applying to do one simple thing: ask for money. Actors will act, poets will write, singers will sing and ALL PEOPLE will ask for money. You may do it by dressing up the part of office person and saying the words you've been trained to say. You'll take that mask to an "employer"/distributor of money and ask to don a mask in their company so they will give you money. Employment is nothing but a big dog and pony show.
Then along comes a simple, raw, naked human being doing the same thing: asking you for money. Just like you ask the bank, you ask your employer, you ask your child fully grown living in your home.
If all the pomp and propriety didn't bother you, neither would the beggar. The affront is not that the beggar does what you do, the affront is the resentment that you invested years of mask wearing training to perceive yourself as "legitimate" enough to do the asking. You seek permission and approval for your asking. You seek justification, excuse, validation of your right to receive the energy that can be translated into other physical, material things.
Many will give in exchange for a story; "what mask are you wearing?", what is your justification, excuse for approaching strangers for money? In truth their "excuse" is no different than yours ultimately: I am in a physical body in need of sustaining with thing that nourish it's experience. Some just like playing "fire monkey", they like to upset the mask wearers because their reaction is such a fiery journey full of passion and conviction. Some will do it simply to tell stories. They're called liars. Maybe they're just being professional story tellers.
Perception is everything.
Behind the masks, every single one of us is a story teller, poet, actor, priest/priestess, counselor, accountant........we're human beings. We express, we pray, we think. We're buying masks we don't need in order to ask for money. It's all the same thing except for how we feel while enacting "the person asking for money", whether that asking is in person or via a piece of paper called an application.. .
That's as far as this train is going on that reflecting for the moment. Normally there's a profound conclusion of deep, profound understanding of some sort of solution, but, hey! we all have those days......resolution will come eventually, lol
Do we demand the mask because we do not believe in our own priest/priestesshood, accounting abilities......our legitimacy? Is that where this is going? Some would see the getting of a degree the belief.....interesting..
We crave honesty and upfrontness while investing all our time and energy in masks then feel affronted and offended at an honest, forthright asker: "Can you spare some money?"
And one, sometimes bitter, irony is this: usually those asking and taking from me always have more than me. The one begging for three dollars was holding a set of keys to a car. The one taking the stores I brought for my children has a roof over their head paid for and cash money for beer drinking. The one asking me for love and consolation has all that and family. The one asking me for wisdom: same thing. I emanate abundance and well-being without the material validation. I emanate safety and security they come for despite their insurance policies. Interesting.....Maybe that is what is in here for me. For if I see more asking of one whom has less and am bitter about it, than I, who have more in spirit wealth am asking for something from those who have more materially.......oooooooo that would be me being hypocritical! bum bum bum.......the shattering! I see me

Nudists, my journey and the shortage of women in the "movement"

  When I was young, nudism came naturally. Skinny dipping alone in streams during my woodland wanderings, midnight with a lover at remote local inland beaches as a teen, making love under the moon in a field as a grown woman, these events happened naturally. When my children, who dropped their clothes as soon as we walked in the door every day, saw me walk naked from bathroom to bedroom, they commented. I realized I had been sending them a message: it's OK for children to walk about naked all day, but not for parents. I only wore clothes all day because I went outside for smokes throughout the day. I decided I wanted to move to a warmer climate and find some place I could walk out the door naked. So, I moved to a warmer climate.
  When I moved I sought out local nudists. Made sense to me. I knew I would have to overcome some discomfort about body image being around other adults in platonic fashion in broad daylight, but I have come to know my bravery and ability to release. I was committed.
  Upon joining the facebook groups I was nauseous. I was not looking to join a religion. But, OK, not everyone is going to be dogmatic in such groups, right? So, I discussed attending a function with them. Fees for the beach and background check which would be decreased if I joined the national group first for a greater yearly fee......leave it to a patriarchal system to organize my nakedness and make it a commodity. Frankly, if my naked body is a commodity and money is going to change hands, I think becoming a stripper is the better deal. At least then my nakedness would send money INTO my hands instead of someone else's. Background checks are for those who don't trust their creation and gut instincts, a wall behind which most molesters are hiding. I don't need to pay to be a part of someone else's false sense of security and the selling of it.
  So, I'm thinking the shortage of women in the naturist and nudist movements/groups is not primarily due to body self image alone. It's very likely women's intuition already overloaded with toxic patriarchal capitalism are allergic to the energy permeating it.
 My 2 cents.