Deeper into poverty consciousness and domestic violence/veterans

    * At the end of this, I took a deep breath and let it sink in: my father had been a marine. It has everything to do with me and childhood wounding. I felt the swirling, deep inner movement of energy..releasing, healing. I sensed the heart-felt only desire that was had for me: "be wealthy and happy...be successful, be free, Stacey" In that moment, the sun broke through the clouds to shine upon me. The deepest recesses of me now see.*

     I'm getting an education I don't think I was wanting and in my circumstances, I'm even more not wanting. I'm not wanting because in order to get it I had to come see it in an intimacy I only wanted loving interactions in. I was envisioning for myself communal living amongst those with similar consciousness. I was done learning more about things like poverty consciousness, the perception of lack and domestic violence. Apparently declaring one's self done brings forth circumstances to complete our education. Apparently this education is needed for the next phase of my experience. Of course I'm looking attentively into as much of it as possible for my own reflection so it can quickly be corrected. Apparently I wouldn't have been open to it if I hadn't been put in a position where I felt stuck between love and hate, action and "it's not appropriate to act on this". Forced to watch with eyes pinned wide open. In this dark place I become quiet and can do nothing but watch and listen, constantly pulling myself out of frustration. It's a place of pain for no matter what action I take, I earn enmity. No action at all I'm getting the blame and enmity which is simply to them normal interactions within a loving family. I'm caught between crying and the urge to purge with verbal self-defense if not outright beating someone over the head. But then realization comes. I get it. I hope it's all I'm here to "get".
    I have a single $1 tube of potato chips I am sharing with my son. A little girl comes; "Can I have some?". "Sure, try one, see if you like the flavor". "Why do you have all this stuff?", she asks. I sit in wonder. She has two Party size bags of chips she has already eaten out of. I have a single little tube of chips she wants to eat of even though she doesn't like the flavor of them. It's because every single day she is told "We don't have enough". Company comes and asks for some  and the reply comes "There's not enough". I realize I could give the shirt off my back, all my possessions and everything I ever get to eat to them. I could be standing naked and hungry before them, a bird could put a bread crumb in my hand and that little girl will still ask "Can I have that?". Her cabinet full is "Not enough" and my little tube is "abundance, enough, contentment, happiness" because that is what I am feeling. My breadcrumb would be the same thing next to the loaf of bread they already asked of and took from me...an abundance next to their lack.
  I try to explain this to her parent. "No, it's because the other day....." It does not want to be seen.
The rock and the hard place is also: I decided to raise my children without eating issues. They eat when they're hungry and as much as they need, no more and no less. So, we have a casual attitude about food. We almost never argue over it. They know whose is whose and if one eats theirs immediately while the other saves theirs for later the other never takes it or complains the other has something when they do not. Sometimes they'll ask and most of the time, it's "sure", they'll share. Our eating schedule is off the other family's because they're on school's eating schedule, move like a herd. Food not being an issue, I'm not forcing mine to eat when and what someone else is. So, I'm being blamed as the problem. If their children see my children eating outside the herd, they do not remember my children had nothing while they ate, they only see my children eating when the herd is not: it's not fair! And parents incapable of "dealing with" the whining blame me.
     I've had less of my own resources and am blamed for appearing to have more, flat out being told by the mother who knows exactly what I have that I have more than they do. They have alcohol to drink at night, a new dvd player, $5 subs and pre-made breakfast sandwiches. Even the parents see my $1 tubes of chips as more than all they horde and hide so they don't have to share with me OR their own children. I am accused of being selfish and not sharing. Their poverty-colored glasses will never allow them to see how much they've taken from or hurt me. They will always be the wounded party.
  The other aspect of this I have been given insight into is equally a rock and hard place situation. The domestic violence/veterans. I see these men who have served 20+ years in the military and they all have issues with domestic violence. They've spent 20+ years of being degraded by those to whom they MUST be loyal. They have it ingrained into them that one beats, humiliates, degrades "family", "the brotherhood". This is loyalty, this is love of country, of family. You NEVER turn your back on them and you never leave. They're fed on fear-induction/terrorization, prejudice, emasculation, judgement. It's love. So they come out and raise up their family in the same way.
  "Out here", you hit me, degrade me, insult me and judge me, you are NOT my friend the next morning. I've called the cops on you and there's a restraining order saying "stay the fuck away from me you freak". To you, I'm crazy, unfaithful, unloving and whatever other judgmental label fits your perception. They've spent 20+ years doing what they don't want on top of 12 years of public schooling that taught them the same thing....."energetic rape" and victim-hood to it is our OBLIGATION if we are loving, responsible, productive members of a community and family. They cannot comprehend our unwillingness to engage in such relationships.  There is not a single interaction with these people that will not end in energetic violence and accusation of us being the cause of it. I watch a brother physically pound on his sister with his fists and all his might. His mom says at her daughter's complaint "He's angry/upset ". His violence was just excused and her daughter told she must accept and allow it as mom chases him down to comfort and console HIM. Why was he upset? It was his sister's turn to choose what to watch on TV according to the parental designated system. Holy fuck. No, I don't want my children "playing" with them, watching TV with them or dating them. To even speak to, sit next to them is to invite conflict...and to be related? I BETTER be willing to take it! from their perspective.
  Their children beat on, break and destroy anything they play with. Of course after energetically assaulting my children and destroying their things my children are going to say "no thank you" at requests to play with their things. My children have been told no when wanting to play with the other children's things though they've never harmed any of their things. My children's "no" brings on the bullying (which they would have gotten even if they said yes anyways, just not as intensely as after the "no") and MY CHILDREN are blamed for causing the bullying. There is no winning/success in interactions with them. Women cause their own rape and children their own bullying according to their perception.  Except for them. They're righteous and good and loving and faithful and just. They are incapable of seeing it any other way. To even try is to go against a life time of defending this perspective, self-judgement and everything that goes along with it. An emasculated human being is too insecure for such things in most cases.
    And yeah, they're Trump supporters.