Narcissism

      I was asked to fill in for a peer for a peer counseling group. Synchronistically, a post came across my Facebook newsfeed about narcissism and I had some elaborations come up within me. The material I used for the group follows, consisting of the post, my elaborations and a link to clinical definition, diagnosis and treatment information.

      

I've seen women do this to men as well! It's not even just the holding of an arm. It could be using one's body to block retreat from the interaction. They push until they get threatened or hit then scream "abuser". No one is obligated to hear more of anyone's "side of the story" until they're forced to accept it! The backlash is self defense, not abuse. The "other side of the story" is usually gaslighting anyways; a narcissistic "coping mechanism". Don't forget; they've been conditioned as well. Doesn't make it OK, just a fact of abusive environment.

We would want to be sure we haven't misperceived what someone has said and throw about the term "gaslighted"; when stressed we tend to hear what we expect to hear or are afraid to hear. That would make us an inadvertent gas lighter. We could ask what someone said or thought they heard to clarify what is happening. This will help the inadvertent gas lighter to experience other than what they've been conditioned to fear and/or expect. If they don't cooperate with an attempt like that LET IT GO. There's fear in seeing and experiencing better feeling potentials for many of us. There's insecurity. There's regret that we wasted all of those years in fear and expectation. Self loathing that we didn't open up to it. Let it process in them. Respect that boundary.

As an aside; I've witnessed the intentional working up of someone just so the provoker can call them crazy, over emotional, etc. Also, the "hit and run"; accusations immediately followed by leaving.

Also: misperception via what we expect and/or fear can lead to us spreading false rumors about what we are or we've witnessed.

Link to clinical info on narcissism in comments.

https://www.emedicinehealth.com/what_are_the_nine_traits_of_a_narcissist/article_em.htm?fbclid=IwAR2Lb0S4R9IF_2d1XpM0VHS06_Iq9urLQbdFZaX7f2QFIfw7umf4jM8IXsYhttps://www.emedicinehealth.com/what_are_the_nine_traits_of_a_narcissist/article_em.htm?fbclid=IwAR2Lb0S4R9IF_2d1XpM0VHS06_Iq9urLQbdFZaX7f2QFIfw7umf4jM8IXsY

A Name to Embrace and Be Embraced!

      My roommate's name means "Star" in an ancient language and I am reading a story about stars. It is no coincidence that on this day, in  reading,  I learn that my middle name  means "Star of the Sea" in the same language that my last name means "By the Water". So, what of my first name that I so did not appreciate because as the nickname  of one which meant "one who rises again", that one had to fall? Well, in the same language as my middle and last name, it is not a derivative of another name and has a different meaning I discovered today in the same language as middle and last. It  means "good harvest" or "fruitful".

     My full name given at birth in the language of my biological ancestors means; "Fruitful  Star of the Sea by the Water".

       I like it.

      And; I am a Pisces who in a meditative state was drawn into the ocean to meet the King of the Ocean who pointed to my pregnant belly to extend a blessing.

Realization; another victim consciousness aspect biting the dust

       I realized that I had perceived myself a victim of my own self-awareness and intuition. Coming from an abusive environment where it felt like every healthy-for-me boundary, hope, desire, assertion of true self was felt to be met with violent resistance of one energetic form or another. No surprise that I began to expect it. I thus manifested it, perpetuated the experience of violence in response to self declarations.

       Being in the Slabs began to liberate me from those expectations, but my drunken state of depression clouded my ability to fully realize it. In a place where people can express self determination liberally, I had mustered up the confidence to practice it as well. I began to expect it to be respected, because for the most part it was, though not fully aware of this shift within myself.  

      In my present clarity I am able to realize this and affirm it to the aspects within me still living in the victim to myself mentality. Viva la Libertad!

Autumn's Harvest

      Now known as Autumn, I observe this autumn's harvest: a strength and clarity I may have in the past perceived as a hardness. It was so stark a contrast to my childhood experience that when I was younger such an expression would leave me crying in fear and insecurity. Now I see it have the same effect on others with no regret, only a lingering shadowy subconscious fear that maybe I should regret it. I comfort and assure that timid aspect with the conviction that they will grow, I am not responsible and energetically it has become a literal life and death choice I must make these days. 

      I have experienced more trauma in the past year and a half than many will experience in their entire lifetimes. I comforted, nurtured and gave generously to others. I ignored my own self care because when I was done serving others and putting on a brave face, if I were to see to myself, I would have no time for carefree fun I so craved all my life. So, I drank heavily to drown my own pain, avoid my own issues, and reach that state of carefree. It brought me to the edge of physical death; admitted to a hospital in critical condition, on the verge of deadly seizure, muscles deteriorating and failing kidneys. 

      I have planted myself in a place where I can recover my well-being on all levels. Even in this relative isolation the world I almost gave my life up to reaches it's tentacles in, challenging my recovery. All in one day, one event after another, I get news my dog has been placed in a new home, news concerning my children, and someone plans on stealing my camper. I beat the anxiety! Part of my harvest is this environment where the people don't just make you watch videos about coping mechanisms and mindfulness yet don't practice themselves. They are the real-reals. I don't know why that manner of speaking I heard in the movie "Cloud Atlas" popped into my head. Matching energies I would imagine. 

     I have also harvested a loyalty and support from what I would have imagined unlikely sources. And yet, here I am, with someone to watch my back while I seek to perceive and receive a state of being that will serve me for what comes in front of me in the days to come.  

     I realize how I have perceived myself a victim to my conscience. I know it had roots in a childhood where accurate intuition was met with violent rebuttal. The pattern had become: I perceive an unhealthy offer, I refuse, I suffer for it. Thus my conscience has been perceived by me as to have betrayed me and I learned to doubt it. That pattern is being unwoven in me now. I am following my intuition and abiding no arguments with it (that strength I would have formerly perceived as hardness comes into play). The initial response to my clear expression may be a lash back. Not intimidating for a few breaths later, support comes in along with better offers and sounder relationships. 

    Another area of growth in strength and clarity is that which responds to those who assert I should feel guilty, in debt, etc; as if I am some huge burden beyond reasonable request to support in MY time of need. I am worth it. Nor will I bow to perceptions that I should feel shame for my "uncharacteristic behavior". I have not done anything worse than any other human being in times of trauma. They're not "better" than me. I was there for them non-judgmentally for their drunken, tripping, high as fuck on I don't know what antics, preserving them from one another's unreasonable drug induced wrath every chance I got. Babysitting my overwhelming would have been a walk in the park next to what I have seen and heard and put up with. Yes, those of us who are normally a source of strength, uplifting, empathic compassion can come crashing down to earth during our journeys as well. It doesn't make us any less of an up lifter or a perpetually having fallen person. It does not mean we have practiced an illusion, been deceitful or never were or will not again be that gift. It solely means we tripped. We didn't respect our own limits. We flew too close to the sun. (Oh, dear Icarus!)

     In this I live up to my given name; Stacey. From the name Anastasia, it means "one who rises again". This is why I am not overly fond of the name; one must fall in order to rise again. I grew so tired, so tired of falling down and being kicked while there and succumbing to that in me which refused to truly give up and die down there. Of course, when up again; expanded and experiencing good things, I am elated by this increased state of being and energy. It is a high no drug or drink can match. I know this, for they have tried 😉 (yeah, I know I tried some of them. But only some of all of them! LOL -throwback inside joke when times were good at a local hang out). 

    That throwback reminds me of last summer. It was a time when we frolicked like brothers and sisters in cool waters and survived a summer as brothers in arms. As I type, "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree" is playing, lol. I was given a record player when I was a child and only ever had one record for it. It was this very song! So, I close with that song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dggAQk5peA

Yet another new beginning! Just keep on growing and shedding........

 So much has transpired since I last posted here. From the most ultimate feeling of freedom to the worst devastation yet. Like a phoenix rising, right? We shall see what I am inspired to share.......