New Job, Object lessons ending, new masculine for me

   How's the new job going? I can't tell you, chuckling softly to me. I had become brave and bold, using myself as an object lesson which people found inspiring, an example worth following, a living illustration to convey understanding. Now all that is changing as I face some of the most challenging territory...to be that which I saw was needed when I needed someone like me. Due to confidentiality I can share no details. Even vague references may be too revealing, as I learned on the cab ride this evening. In answering my children's questions, I told them I would be doing so-and-so's job this evening. The cab driver, overhearing, said "Oh, you'll be being dropped off (there) then". Yes, indeed, extreme discretion..I'll have to be highly aware of my conversations. No numbers involved for one could overhear "4 children", know someone who has left an abuser with 4 children and then divulge through a gossip chain just where that party is. So, off I go where you can no longer see all the steps I am taking. I am no longer an object lesson, but an epitome of discretion.
  I am rejoicing how my children not only have playmates outside most days, but even have company come in! The still inner wildling I noticed when we first moved in happens to be one of those new friends. We are in very good company!
  As I reflected and wished this evening a "smell" came wafting to me, of a man who would let me sleep and wake me when I needed,one who was actively supportive of the work I am choosing. I was given to know it is an aspect of me, of course, that has already been there to wake me usually an hour before something comes into my reality I would want to be be awake and fully conscious for. This would be the one responsible for the etheric knocks that wake me, the etheric phone ringing to let me know someone else needs my attention. I am a truly blessed being to be so loved romantically, supportively, nurturingly, one truly interested in me, what I am doing, how I am doing, what I would be wanting and what I am needing. If that is what my inner masculine has become so fully to me, indeed my outer reality will manifest a physical one for me, now that I can "smell" and "see" and feel it so clearly. That's pretty exciting. Now for the recognizing and accepting, lol

A Great Battle for Resources is won!

   The first night I was awakened at 2:30am by an etheric knocking, as if someone had knocked on my bedroom window. The second night I thought I'd may as well just stay up. A bit more tired is preferable to sleep interrupted. Nothing. The third night I was awakened by knocking again and something like a phone ringing but this time I stayed in dreamscape while conscious.......
   I forget the first part except that it was good. The second part I do remember clearly. I was experiencing it from the perspective of one who had just won a great battle, all the entities crowded on a battlefield in very close proximity. The victory gave the winner access to great resources. I came out of it feeling very strong in the body.
 Within the next year's time a change of authority over significant resources will happen. This could mean my inner kingdom has won my health and well-being. This could be grander and mean I will be placed in a position of authority over significant resources. It could be even grander and mean our country, even this world's resources will all be delivered into the hands of those with a consciousness of similarity. On whichever level it be, when any confrontation comes, we can face it with the assurance that energetically, it has already been won.
*dreamscape looked alot like this picture and I am physically a woman, but dang, would have preferred she was wearing something other than red, white and blue on her butt!

Another phase of suspension

     It could be mistaken for depression, but it isn't. Just not over-the-top love, light and wisdom. All a matter of perspective. Memes no longer hold my interest...... Drink lots of water, do alot of meditation, Himalayan sea salt lamps, crystal's, reiki? lol Fuck that shit. Put the kids to bed, get drunk and binge watch Netflix.....for a week. Hope the abuser and kidnapper does not find and break in again.  Let what ever is going on under the surface, the subconscious do what it needs.  And...don't talk to me, lol I might not be 'pretty'...though it's near impossible for me. I can no longer do "ugly", not really. I light up at interactions, rise up in appreciation and love for what stands before me.
      The other day, it could have been yester, lol for the days are strangely passing; a blink or a week or both in the same moment....I felt a pop somewhere low and deep. A pocket of energy associated with children and child-rearing and the need to prepare and teach....leaving. Of course that leaves that space empty and the toxins of it dumped into my system for releasing. The "cat pee" smelling sweat as the body becomes a furnace of hell-fire heat, constant sleep, DNA upgrading, the 'upgrade' that will replace it flowing in, glimpses of pure love without worry. Tested today when a woman asked how my children are at spelling. No sinking feeling. No usual dread; "OMG what if I say the wrong thing?!"...nope! "They have their good and they have their bad days". My children are home schooled and she preluded the question with "That's why I can't home school". Now writing I realize having good and bad days homeschooling is an advantage. Their good day does not HAVE to be on Friday (begin panic attack) or they'll fail their spelling test and get bad grades and never make it into college and won't make money........
  Today: Feeling emptied with nothing to give, but not drained...just not interested.
   The chasing of the carrot. The relationship thing. So many products of bitter divorces where they tried so hard to prevent one another from getting anything.....men who will drive a thousand miles to see a woman but would never fix her car so she could come visit him. 50 and 40 somethings living in castles with everything just so, expensive, shiny...while the woman they are dating has her phone cut off and faces eviction. So far from ubuntu! A man comments: "send me pics". "My phone won't". "You need a better phone". He stops calling. "Well, if you believe I need a better phone, buy me one then!". So full of judgement without a thing to give. They brag of how they did this or that for women....but when they come around to you it;s "Not any more". I can smell them a mile away. Not for me, not anymore. he'll pay to be with me, he'll contribute unconditionally or I'm not even glancing. UBUNTU! Not just for your neighbors, but for the receivers of your seed. How many carpenters have wives without cabinets, but their needy neighbor gets them for free? How many mechanics do work for free while their wives drive a falling apart jalopy?And these men are hailed as icons of generosity. Nothing but carrots on a string, empty promises while being demanding.....Not these men, not for me......
  Riding with a neighbor to get groceries (slaughter the pig and bring home the bacon! heehee says me at request "What are you doing"), my lower back releases, my spine, my shoulders open. I am asked questions; you're asking for age and then birth date..is that not redundant? That's what paperwork and computers are for; to be our memory. I don't much care for these things. As I realize I no longer worry about money or thinking or knowing, tears being to fall...more release, tears of joy, I am free! My co-hort comments how she has been so light headed lately. "Yeah, well, I don't much tell people the reason because they don't want to receive it." She waits for continuation. "The Earth is changing and so are we", I give a mundane explanation about Earth's electromagnetic pull growing and solar flares. She says "Oh, yes, my cell phone HAS been glitchy!". Replies me; "If it's affecting your phone, it's affecting your body". She is is relieved. No hospital run for an emergency. She's light headed, I'm downright giddy. It's as being stoned would be to my imagination. I'm spacey enough without such things. No weed, no frog poison, no latest shamanic medicinal concoction needing. Just open, just free. I SEE, without eyes, I see.
  So it is I have been feeling suspended, experiencing a virtual reality with changes occurring underneath or virtual changes with reality underneath..both simultaneously. Changing, changing, changing for and in my children as within me...a beautiful thing, setting us free. No more inculcating, worry or carrot chasing, nothing but healthy for them and for me.

Self Rape, the emotional version

My response to a person who said it was a stressful time because it is the busy season for their chosen livelihood and so they force themselves to think positive thoughts.......

"Ah, busy time of the year for you, then. Sorry to hear of your experiencing it as stressful. It'd be nice if life came without deadlines and such. I hope it gets easier on you. I understand in light of that why forcing positive thoughts would be considered the chosen option. Funny how we don't make the connections in treating ourselves as we would in treating others. For if we forced "positive attention"/intimacy/making love on another we would call it rape, yet we never consider that maybe in the same way we rape ourselves, our own inner being, our own emotions which are supposed to be the intimate partner/mate to the brain. So we try to force the brain/masculine to force the emotions/feminine to feel a certain way so we can get work done, appear a certain way in public, be considered a certain kind of person in our relationships. Devastating, really, but we haven't been taught another way. "Be nice" "Be strong" "Be polite" "Don't cry" "Be calm" "Be quiet"......they forced us until we learned to force ourselves."

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The pieces fall together finally on my relationship status

    Many years ago I was told my the ministers who were training me that the reason the younger men treated me so badly was because I was intimidating. I was smart and beautiful and men found this intimidating. I had no idea what to do with that information. What does that mean?
    A male domestic violence worker commented after asking my age; "You haven't learned yet?!". Excuse me, I had a grandmother go to her grave still married to the man who raped and impregnated her daughter. I have aunts nearing it still married to abusive men. In my circles, I am way ahead of the game just for knowing enough to leave them!
   In becoming committed to ending the cycle with me and getting to the root causes of domestic violence, I also learned about things like PTSD. I learned about the fight, flight or freeze responses to trauma, to fear.
   It was only today that it all was given to click in my brain: if I am so intimidating to men, their only responses they can have to me is to fight, flee or freeze. Obviously I cannot be in a relationship with some who has fled. One cannot be in a relationship with one who freezes; offers no response, no engagement, no stimulation unless one wants to wilt and die in staying with them: every plant needs watering. So, logically speaking, the only relationships I could have we with those who constantly hurt me.
   If relationships were where we learn about ourselves and where we grow, is it truly any wonder I would have been stunted, immature?
   So now I have learned to be in good relationship with self. Now I know how to be in good relationship with others. Now I understand why it had not been so previously. Now, may it be an end to the "Stacey has never had a good relationship" story. May it be the end to the "woman alone" chapters of my story.

The Enlightened man, the wild man......

    I see memes going around the re-wilding woman and enlightened women websites all about what the ideal male gendered mate for an embodied goddess would be.
    I think I'll let him decide who he is and what he wants to be. Are we not trying to relieve ourselves of the conditioning by religion and culture and familial custom of what we should be as women? Are we not seeking to be sovereign/self determined? And yet we now we want to spread memes about what our male incarnated counterpart should be? Hypocritical, aren't we?
   So, while all the sexy pics and described qualities and conditions of what a man of the equal state of being should be and have done and should be doing......we might want to just scroll past those memes.
  I want him to have the same right to self-determination as I have given me ;)

What I learned reading the story of Siddhartha

     The copy of a book of the story of Siddhartha I read began with the background of the Buddhist practices. It explained how spirits were tired of the cycle of karma and were seeking for ways to escape it for the pain was so great. Associating suffering with conscious existence; incarnation, even as purely spirit, they sought their own non-existence/extinction/suicide that they might return to Source, become unborn again. So, while so many practices lead to an enlightened life, overall, adherence to them brings us ever closer to death. When one seeks the ultimate Buddhist experience, one is seeking death. That is why all "enlightened masters" die, their bodies continuing to age and expire despite their healing abilities.
    The second thing I learned was toward the end of the story of Siddhartha's life. When it was realized Siddhartha's son was acting out and unhappy because Siddhartha offered no resistance, Siddhartha sent him away. "Are we so insecure about our "enlightenment" that we ourselves can not offer the resistance our children need to themselves expand their own consciousness?!"- was my response to that action. As an emotionally abandoned child,I know the pain of an absent parent experience, abandonment, a lack of priority. I treated myself the same way: I didn't appreciate myself, settled for and even sought out poor treatment.
   "And who says 'enlightenment' it's self does not inspire the offering of resistance?"- I now know to ask. We are so conditioned to expect only certain behaviors as kind, loving and thus marks of wisdom and "enlightenment". Well, you know what? An enlightened state of being might inspire a proverbial ass-wooping. Maybe we are inspired to say no when a child crosses boundaries, not only so we are respecting ourselves but that a child might learn from the example that they can and should have boundaries of their own. From a state of'enlightenment', our inspired responses will be just the right level of intensity, the right degree of response. Whereas, if left to an 'unenlightened' world, the responses might be over or under reacting. Who better to deliver appropriate resistance than an 'enlightened' being?
   If one is more from a self-sacrificing, "we must serve others above ourselves" perception: should we not sacrifice our own (idea of) state of "enlightenment" for our children? ;)

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**** I became a mainstream licensed and trained Christian minister in 1992. Since then I have been trained as a psychic, and a conscious channelor. I have been published as a writer on social issues and I am presently working as a trained domestic violence advocate.
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Subjection to the weaker conscience and domestic violence

  For every advancement of what is healthy in relationships that comes into my present experience, something of the old and painful comes out along with understandings surrounding it. What came in was finally a man who didn't use a 'parenting' tone while expressing an understanding of my priorities. That was so delightful a flutter like a baby in my womb happened in response to it. Not butterflies in the stomach but actual life in the womb. I found that interesting.
  What came out was memories of being attacked and verbally abused for things like not shaving (if I wanted to date a man, I'd be gay), smoking (wow! You're so pretty. But I like the taste of a woman and smoking changes it), telling an older woman whether or not I was on birth control was none of her business when my "significant other" preferred I 'keep the peace' instead (shhh, don't say that!)........
  With it I understood not bending to another's weakness is perceived by them as an attack on them and so, in their mind, they are committing an act of self-defense. Thus the abuser perceives themselves a victim subject to "embarrassing" or "unpleasant" aspects of the one they expressed a desire to be in a more intimate relationship with. Then I remembered each of these men identified themselves as Christians. With that came memory of the scriptures used to guide relationships by priests, ministers, pastors, elders, etc. : 1 Corinthians chapter 8. There it explains how some view eating of meat dedicated to idols as a sin, that they are those of a weaker conscience, and so as not to offend or stumble them a mature Christian would not eat the meat around the one with the weaker conscience. The message is to avoid behavior that might offend the less mature. Is that not what we see in abusive relationships? And these interactions were initiated by these men. They initiated contact solely to make sure their opinion was known to me what they did not approve of about me. So what would possess a man to believe he has the right to approach a woman solely to attack her? Could it be scriptural admonitions to be vigilant, shepherd, correct the congregation, subjection by women the 'weaker' vessels?
  The root of the immature ruling over the more mature, the weak over the strong, didn't grow out of Christianity, I'm sure. I do know Christianity isn't helping uproot the dysfunction or helping with prevention of damage, however. Yeah, if I were Jesus I'd be pretty sad, too.
*as a side note, I've noticed women who demonstrate an inability to tolerate the existence of something different from their belief system as well. The entire Christian based culture creates a perceived attack (persecution complex/paranoia) in the mere existence of that which they find offensive and thus a perceived right to attack it 'back'. Even in politics, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say..law after law, fear-based

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........
  I am sorry you are going through this. You did nothing to deserve it.
I am sorry for the times you felt powerless. I am sorry for the times you felt like you are getting mixed messages. I am sorry for the times you felt like you couldn't do anything right. I am sorry you were made to feel confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, and violated. I am sorry for when you've felt abandoned, unjustly and inappropriately blamed for things. I am sorry you have been made to feel unsafe in your body, your home, your bed, at the ringing of a phone, a knock on the door, on social media, at work, walking down the road, in your tent, in your own dreams, your own thoughts, your own heart, your own words.
 I am sorry for when you have had that which mattered most to you taken from you even though you were doing the very best you could do. I am sorry you have felt alone and misunderstood, misrepresented.
  I am sorry for those times when you felt unequipped for what you are facing or being asked to do: know I am always with you!
 I know you are brave; you woke up and faced every one of those moments. I know you are strong; you want to love again, you want to feel safe, free and open.......on these things, you never gave up. I know you are wise; you are listening. You are powerful. You've carried on.
  You deserve love without abandon. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin. You deserve to be able to trust and be trusted. You deserve to be heard and understood. You deserve individual attention. You deserve to have all your needs met. You deserve to be touched with deep respect and have your name spoken with reverence. you deserve time. You deserve rest. You deserve to be able to breath easy, to know what it means to truly live.
  I give these things to you now.

Summon your power!

This morning after I did some clearing dancing I felt a power come in feeling the image: " Near a bonfire on the top of a hill declaring :"Come! Come dance and summon your power! You are about to be betrayed and abandoned!". "
Again? lol almost boring this pattern of feeling sure of something and then having the rug pulled out from under me, betrayed by "the powers that be"......
O.K., so I have learned for the modern 'prophet', when asking for whom the bell tolls? the answer is always "You!". O.K. So I am about to be denied an opportunity: have been given the keys to a truck that will roll down a hill the moment I try to back it out of the parking spot...so to speak.
There's a "flip side" perception of these things: I am about to be released from an agreement that would not have fully served me and probably required I compromise some part of me and I'm going to be let go, set free, liberated, left alone (relief!).
Thus armed and comforted with an alternate perception, I allow myself to undergo the emotional journey of being betrayed and abandoned, the devastation, the feeling I was deceiving myself, believing an illusion, fooled and thus foolish, insecurity about my own judgement, feeling my way: does any of this anymore even resonate? Dance with it and send love into the aspects that would feel it anyways.
I am also armed with the knowledge that when we do not resist what we see coming which may be fear inspiring, when we allow ourselves to emotionally experience the reality, it neutralizes the potential so it does not manifest. We just experienced it and so the physical manifestation is not required to manifest.
Even if it does manifest to some degree, we are already prepared emotionally and can maintain a clarity to help see the solutions before me.
Underlying it all is an anchor of peace which allows me to undergo these things fearlessly, feel safe enough to ride the waves of emotions that may be coming and THAT is the power that needs summoning, the power to not lose faith, life-force, energy, wind in my sails, or identity in those defining, rug-being-pulled-out, end-of-the-world, whirlwind moments.
So come, come dance in the fire with me! Summon your fire, summon your power! Life is changing!

Letting go of my creation story

  Years ago I let go of the biblical creation story and prayed for my own. It came in the story of "The Dance". No longer wanting to be a daughter of conflict, for a daughter needs parents rather than trusting her own inner guidance as a sovereign being, self determined of one's own source and if conflict is my source, it is my essence rather than the peace I am embodying.
  Therefore this blog is no longer "where a Daughter of the Dance begins to get a hang of things", it is more an etymology of me. I still find resonance with Crystal Morningstar, clarity, ancient, alchemized force within creation among the first rising each new 'day', expanding on the leading edge of consciousness....yes, it suits me so far in this consideration of another new beginning.
 And of course, one which is a part of that which has always existence without ultimate end or beginning, one would not have nor need a creation story.......flying free of creation stories.......no origins, no obligations to be limited to their implications.......