I could feel myself fill with warmth, a rising up of a voice that wanted to be heard as I came across a comment from some guy that witches like me were going to be burnt at the stake by the Christian church and then someone else posted a video...........
"Touch the deep green moss,
You tickle my hair.
Slide your hand beneath the fallen leaves
To clutch the rich, dark, moist Earth beneath.....
I am the dark, moist depths
You long to plunge into deeply
To release and find relief in,
I am the Earth".-
*Stacey B. aka Crystal Morningstar aka "April" aka "Mon Chay"
*Ah, to touch the face of God,
To have His countenance to shine upon you.
And to yearn from that place of favor,
For the depths of an Earthly youth.......
The 'witches' welcome the bonfires
sworn by the 'men of the church'
in which they would have them burn........
They would only bring me relief from you,
Bring me to dance again upon the forest floors
and to wake the devil from his dream of being this God of yours.*-Stacey B. aka "April"aka Crystal Morningstar aka "Mon Chay"
The music video that became part of the trigger for the voice:
Goin' Back to Harlan
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
The Shedding of skins
I've diverted from completing my journey through "The Rest of the Story" entries and it turned out to be for a very good reason.
On my second experience with Maine I learned something. I was moved to draw a picture of my figurative self, with the spirits I had worked with over the preceding years by my side. I gave that picture to a young woman. I intuitively understood I was leaving the person I had become behind and bestowing it on her. Further evidence of this was after did this, her mother began speaking like I had, responding to her daughter as I would have mine. I could hear and see me in her. As authority over her daughter, she had claimed my 'skin' for herself. Her daughter can claim it when she is ready, I'm sure...and it will be awesome! She is a physically disabled young woman with great potential to heal that which is an inherited generational disability/dis-figuration of the leg.
From then until now I have been embodying a more independent woman, no longer a victim and learning to walk as a sovereign being in full oneness within herself. After 4 years of no intimate relationships other than with my children, I had finally invited in the experience of more intimate relationships outside the home; community, female friends and romantic with men. I was still solitary in controlling resources, being independent. I have been embodying an empowered woman, respected. With each "no thank you" comes a replacement with that which is closer to what I want in an intimate partner. Greater and greater self awareness, respect and appreciation in each man I "go through".
This latest was profound. Spiritually active and creative, very self determined. He actually offered to legally give me rights to a piece of land as part of a sort of "live-in pre-nuptial agreement" to guarantee that if things did not work out, I would not be left without resources because where we'd be living at, I would not be able to obtain resources for myself. I would be giving up a job and affordable housing to live a life with him and he understood that. While it's not going to work out because he is not as willing to make the same acknowledgement of emotional responsibility in a relationship, something new was given me to embody. And with the introduction of that new picture of who I could be, the single career mom is shedding and the one upon who it shall be bestowed is already chosen. She is dynamite! With this embodiment comes my resonance with what I always dreamed of having. Everything. And my embodiment of it will draw the right man able to be emotionally responsible AND understanding a woman's position. I cannot wait to meet him!
On my second experience with Maine I learned something. I was moved to draw a picture of my figurative self, with the spirits I had worked with over the preceding years by my side. I gave that picture to a young woman. I intuitively understood I was leaving the person I had become behind and bestowing it on her. Further evidence of this was after did this, her mother began speaking like I had, responding to her daughter as I would have mine. I could hear and see me in her. As authority over her daughter, she had claimed my 'skin' for herself. Her daughter can claim it when she is ready, I'm sure...and it will be awesome! She is a physically disabled young woman with great potential to heal that which is an inherited generational disability/dis-figuration of the leg.
From then until now I have been embodying a more independent woman, no longer a victim and learning to walk as a sovereign being in full oneness within herself. After 4 years of no intimate relationships other than with my children, I had finally invited in the experience of more intimate relationships outside the home; community, female friends and romantic with men. I was still solitary in controlling resources, being independent. I have been embodying an empowered woman, respected. With each "no thank you" comes a replacement with that which is closer to what I want in an intimate partner. Greater and greater self awareness, respect and appreciation in each man I "go through".
This latest was profound. Spiritually active and creative, very self determined. He actually offered to legally give me rights to a piece of land as part of a sort of "live-in pre-nuptial agreement" to guarantee that if things did not work out, I would not be left without resources because where we'd be living at, I would not be able to obtain resources for myself. I would be giving up a job and affordable housing to live a life with him and he understood that. While it's not going to work out because he is not as willing to make the same acknowledgement of emotional responsibility in a relationship, something new was given me to embody. And with the introduction of that new picture of who I could be, the single career mom is shedding and the one upon who it shall be bestowed is already chosen. She is dynamite! With this embodiment comes my resonance with what I always dreamed of having. Everything. And my embodiment of it will draw the right man able to be emotionally responsible AND understanding a woman's position. I cannot wait to meet him!
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Me and MY Vegetarianism
So, an interaction came which allowed me to more boldly examine my reasons for being a vegetarian. Love and acceptance will do that, FWI. (yes, it's the cowboy thing, stop watching me blush, get your own cuteness, focus!focus! heehee) A bit of word wandering through my thoughtscape.....
I am a mother. I give up parts of my body with love and affection, joy and pleasure in the doing. To take leaves, seeds, nuts, beans, fruit from plants, bushes and trees feels alot like that to me. A partaking of a part of the body that is also a part of the consciousness of our mother, the Earth, is like partaking of her milk in my perceptual workings. I know not everything we eat in the grocery store is so "humanely" harvested, leaving the body of a plant to continue it's full life cycle. It's the best I can do without land of my own and the green thumb to nurture it.
I was purely vegan for a while and then circumstances came that did not facilitate it so I considered adding dairy. As I felt whether or not adding cheese to my diet would be appropriate for me, I was completely enveloped in love. It was profound and immediate. Animals WILL nurture us from their bodies in all the love, joy and pleasure I would do the same with my own children for. I know not every dairy product in the grocery store is humanely created. It's the best I can do without a yurt and tribe with which to follow a herd of goats or cattle around.
I, in myself, came to the result that we exist for the pure engagement and joy of it. When life stops becoming engaging for us, we die, we give up on it. We're just another plant, animal, mineral with senses that relish our environment and in that relishing, we send appreciation into the Earth from which we come and she shares in that with us. If the Earth needs anything right now, it's a relishing in her qualities and textures.
So, I ask myself, I ask nature, mother, animals (this is not an "You should all ask or we should all ask", it really is purely me asking): why would you give your breath for mine? Why are my eyes worth ending your own pair's use to the mother? Does your skin relish in the elements less than mine? I think "hardly, we humans spend more time fretting than relishing anything really".
Things such as a young deer leaping out in front of me, looking at me squarely, then leaping back and forth in a clear invitation to chase......is not the joyful vibration in those hooves hitting the Earth's surface engaging to and delightful for her? Can't we stop at making it a game of tag, maybe at worst a playful tackle instead of an arrow in the side or bullet to the head? We can take each other's breath away without ending our ability to breath another day. Is my moody breath worth ending your joyful one so much more in tune with the elements? Why would you put my life above yours?
And frankly, I know breathairianism is real. So, in truth, eating is not needed for my life to continue. You're not giving your life to preserve mine. I only eat as much as I do instead of simply tastes here and there for the communal pleasure of it because I smoke and when I smoke, I drink fluids to keep my throat hydrated. The fluids drown my digestive system so I eat food to absorb them...a whole chain reaction. I have felt my system kick in, a burst of energy go to my stomach from the core of my being when it began to feel hunger and then immense peace. I was burning the energy I myself was generating. My digestive system died completely the last time I was in Maine and when it came back online, it was functioning very differently, a new system completely. Not everyone who has become breatharian has had to experience that extreme of a change. I was raised in an extreme that did not facilitate the transition. Others transition much more gently.
As for other people; they believe their lives depend upon eating, especially meat and whether or not animals are giving up their lives to sustain the human's, well that's between them and them (human and animal). Who am I to determine permission? Don't make me, I won't like it! To some it's a holiest of communions, being a part of the circle of life. I've killed enough sacred cows in my time, I don't need to go around murdering everyone else's. Don't make me responsible for killing yours. I won't like it!
I'm just putting myself out there because doing so is engaging ;) And maybe someone else could use it as a "you're not alone, you're not crazy".
The biggest determining factor before these questions came was when a neighbor said she was going fishing and she'd leave a fish from her catch in a bucket of water downhill from my camp. I prayed she wouldn't. That would mean I'd have to kill it. I'd been fishing before and the idea of decapitating that fish.....I just couldn't do it! ones crunching....cringe! Too many horror movies! If I couldn't do the the killing, how could I do the partaking? I have had fish as pets and those darn things would follow us from one end of the tank to the other. They nibbled our fingers and let us pet them if we stuck our fingers in. They're quite the little characters! They'd group up in the corner of the tank closest to where my children would be playing and watch for hours. I swear, they were more doting than I was! I've had similar interactions with fish in ponds when swimming. And now I am to cut off a head and watch a body flop around in shock? I just couldn't do it.
I've had a pet rabbit that would play 'fetch' with one of our pet cats. There is no natural law that governs "predators" absolutely. The longest living pet dog was fed a vegan diet...seriously. I've had a skunk put it's front feet up between mine on a step and just brightly look at me one night before it did it's skunky waddle off. The neighbors who were gun-toting hunters with an obnoxious dog that barked threateningly at everything...well those skunks backed right up to their screen door and sprayed right into their house another evening. You're telling me animals don't respond according to our personalities? lol The next day when the hunters were moving their shed boasting about how they knew that skunk nest was under there and they were going to shoot 'em...guns aimed as the shed moved....yeah, I just watched entertained, not giving up that I knew exactly where the skunks lived and it weren't there! *mischievous grin* Animals are enchanted with us completely (either that or we're just the biggest, freakiest show in the circus....wouldn't blame them , there, really lol). That scene in the movie "Babe" where all the animals are watching the man dance for the pig through the window.....not an exaggeration, in my experience, I swear. And the mother even loves her little ticks. seriously. I camped out in someone's lawn for a night. Woke up with a whole herd of the little critters nestled in on me. As I saw them I was completely enveloped in love, felt just like I did when breast feeding my children. "I know you're enjoying this", I said the the mother, "but I am not, so they're going to have to go with what they've already sucked out of me" and I painstakingly removed the things. sheesh! creepy! but true and adored by the mother of all. If you took one of my children from my breast, cut off it's head and ate it, I wouldn't feel like a part of the circle of love. I can guarantee it! Though I know if it was some requirement, the mother would fill me with that love that feels nothing but it's warmth instead. When I came down from that manipulation, I wouldn't be happy with anybody, however, I can tell ya that! You'd have to keep me perpetually wrapped in it until the day of my last breath!
So, obviously not everyone has the experiences I do of animals and thus I am fully aware my choices are my own, for me only. I don't even decide for my own children, who do eat meat, knowing where it comes from exactly. I don't feel condemned by them and they don't feel condemned by me. I like to think I can have the same nature of relationship with the entire human community. For those who don't find that possible with me, well, let's just say, it's an honor to be found so engaging and thus life affirming ;)
Oh, and yes, population control: research has shown that animals NOT under duress reproduce less. So, overpopulation is due to stress. Instead of killing, a less traumatic relationship within creation solves that problem, I haven't any more questions.
I am a mother. I give up parts of my body with love and affection, joy and pleasure in the doing. To take leaves, seeds, nuts, beans, fruit from plants, bushes and trees feels alot like that to me. A partaking of a part of the body that is also a part of the consciousness of our mother, the Earth, is like partaking of her milk in my perceptual workings. I know not everything we eat in the grocery store is so "humanely" harvested, leaving the body of a plant to continue it's full life cycle. It's the best I can do without land of my own and the green thumb to nurture it.
I was purely vegan for a while and then circumstances came that did not facilitate it so I considered adding dairy. As I felt whether or not adding cheese to my diet would be appropriate for me, I was completely enveloped in love. It was profound and immediate. Animals WILL nurture us from their bodies in all the love, joy and pleasure I would do the same with my own children for. I know not every dairy product in the grocery store is humanely created. It's the best I can do without a yurt and tribe with which to follow a herd of goats or cattle around.
I, in myself, came to the result that we exist for the pure engagement and joy of it. When life stops becoming engaging for us, we die, we give up on it. We're just another plant, animal, mineral with senses that relish our environment and in that relishing, we send appreciation into the Earth from which we come and she shares in that with us. If the Earth needs anything right now, it's a relishing in her qualities and textures.
So, I ask myself, I ask nature, mother, animals (this is not an "You should all ask or we should all ask", it really is purely me asking): why would you give your breath for mine? Why are my eyes worth ending your own pair's use to the mother? Does your skin relish in the elements less than mine? I think "hardly, we humans spend more time fretting than relishing anything really".
Things such as a young deer leaping out in front of me, looking at me squarely, then leaping back and forth in a clear invitation to chase......is not the joyful vibration in those hooves hitting the Earth's surface engaging to and delightful for her? Can't we stop at making it a game of tag, maybe at worst a playful tackle instead of an arrow in the side or bullet to the head? We can take each other's breath away without ending our ability to breath another day. Is my moody breath worth ending your joyful one so much more in tune with the elements? Why would you put my life above yours?
And frankly, I know breathairianism is real. So, in truth, eating is not needed for my life to continue. You're not giving your life to preserve mine. I only eat as much as I do instead of simply tastes here and there for the communal pleasure of it because I smoke and when I smoke, I drink fluids to keep my throat hydrated. The fluids drown my digestive system so I eat food to absorb them...a whole chain reaction. I have felt my system kick in, a burst of energy go to my stomach from the core of my being when it began to feel hunger and then immense peace. I was burning the energy I myself was generating. My digestive system died completely the last time I was in Maine and when it came back online, it was functioning very differently, a new system completely. Not everyone who has become breatharian has had to experience that extreme of a change. I was raised in an extreme that did not facilitate the transition. Others transition much more gently.
As for other people; they believe their lives depend upon eating, especially meat and whether or not animals are giving up their lives to sustain the human's, well that's between them and them (human and animal). Who am I to determine permission? Don't make me, I won't like it! To some it's a holiest of communions, being a part of the circle of life. I've killed enough sacred cows in my time, I don't need to go around murdering everyone else's. Don't make me responsible for killing yours. I won't like it!
I'm just putting myself out there because doing so is engaging ;) And maybe someone else could use it as a "you're not alone, you're not crazy".
The biggest determining factor before these questions came was when a neighbor said she was going fishing and she'd leave a fish from her catch in a bucket of water downhill from my camp. I prayed she wouldn't. That would mean I'd have to kill it. I'd been fishing before and the idea of decapitating that fish.....I just couldn't do it! ones crunching....cringe! Too many horror movies! If I couldn't do the the killing, how could I do the partaking? I have had fish as pets and those darn things would follow us from one end of the tank to the other. They nibbled our fingers and let us pet them if we stuck our fingers in. They're quite the little characters! They'd group up in the corner of the tank closest to where my children would be playing and watch for hours. I swear, they were more doting than I was! I've had similar interactions with fish in ponds when swimming. And now I am to cut off a head and watch a body flop around in shock? I just couldn't do it.
I've had a pet rabbit that would play 'fetch' with one of our pet cats. There is no natural law that governs "predators" absolutely. The longest living pet dog was fed a vegan diet...seriously. I've had a skunk put it's front feet up between mine on a step and just brightly look at me one night before it did it's skunky waddle off. The neighbors who were gun-toting hunters with an obnoxious dog that barked threateningly at everything...well those skunks backed right up to their screen door and sprayed right into their house another evening. You're telling me animals don't respond according to our personalities? lol The next day when the hunters were moving their shed boasting about how they knew that skunk nest was under there and they were going to shoot 'em...guns aimed as the shed moved....yeah, I just watched entertained, not giving up that I knew exactly where the skunks lived and it weren't there! *mischievous grin* Animals are enchanted with us completely (either that or we're just the biggest, freakiest show in the circus....wouldn't blame them , there, really lol). That scene in the movie "Babe" where all the animals are watching the man dance for the pig through the window.....not an exaggeration, in my experience, I swear. And the mother even loves her little ticks. seriously. I camped out in someone's lawn for a night. Woke up with a whole herd of the little critters nestled in on me. As I saw them I was completely enveloped in love, felt just like I did when breast feeding my children. "I know you're enjoying this", I said the the mother, "but I am not, so they're going to have to go with what they've already sucked out of me" and I painstakingly removed the things. sheesh! creepy! but true and adored by the mother of all. If you took one of my children from my breast, cut off it's head and ate it, I wouldn't feel like a part of the circle of love. I can guarantee it! Though I know if it was some requirement, the mother would fill me with that love that feels nothing but it's warmth instead. When I came down from that manipulation, I wouldn't be happy with anybody, however, I can tell ya that! You'd have to keep me perpetually wrapped in it until the day of my last breath!
So, obviously not everyone has the experiences I do of animals and thus I am fully aware my choices are my own, for me only. I don't even decide for my own children, who do eat meat, knowing where it comes from exactly. I don't feel condemned by them and they don't feel condemned by me. I like to think I can have the same nature of relationship with the entire human community. For those who don't find that possible with me, well, let's just say, it's an honor to be found so engaging and thus life affirming ;)
Oh, and yes, population control: research has shown that animals NOT under duress reproduce less. So, overpopulation is due to stress. Instead of killing, a less traumatic relationship within creation solves that problem, I haven't any more questions.
Friday, January 20, 2017
When you enter a field.....
It may appear that you have been delivered to a town/place as a victim, as one in need. It could be, in fact, that the place has been delivered instead unto you. Every community is a field in which seeds can be planted, plants can be watered and from which fruit can be eaten. How we arrive there does not necessarily govern the role we are to play there.
And when we enter a field...do not be deceived about where the governing spirit may reside. It is not always in the selectman's home or governor's mansion. No. The governing spirit of a place can be residing in the temple which gets drunk every day and sleeps in the park. From there, it sees all things, the true heart of a community. If it is treated poorly, it may fly from it's abode in the vessel in the park to posses the selectman, the governor, to enact more confining laws upon the community and then go get drunk and enjoy the chaos it has created in vengeance for the way it was treated.
One will often find that where the poorest are treated badly, the heavier the taxes and the more controlling the laws governing. One might find that the kinder and more generous the community is with the "lowest" of themselves, the less governing the authorities.
No, not everything is necessarily what it seems. The "neediest" may be the wisest able to deliver the average population from under mountains of conditioning: familial, societal, social. How much we are able to deliver others from under depends on the mountains we have moved from upon/within ourselves.
You may be the shepard in any given moment, and in any given moment, you may be a part of the field.
And when we enter a field...do not be deceived about where the governing spirit may reside. It is not always in the selectman's home or governor's mansion. No. The governing spirit of a place can be residing in the temple which gets drunk every day and sleeps in the park. From there, it sees all things, the true heart of a community. If it is treated poorly, it may fly from it's abode in the vessel in the park to posses the selectman, the governor, to enact more confining laws upon the community and then go get drunk and enjoy the chaos it has created in vengeance for the way it was treated.
One will often find that where the poorest are treated badly, the heavier the taxes and the more controlling the laws governing. One might find that the kinder and more generous the community is with the "lowest" of themselves, the less governing the authorities.
No, not everything is necessarily what it seems. The "neediest" may be the wisest able to deliver the average population from under mountains of conditioning: familial, societal, social. How much we are able to deliver others from under depends on the mountains we have moved from upon/within ourselves.
You may be the shepard in any given moment, and in any given moment, you may be a part of the field.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Take a page from the book of Job
I see alot lately of posts being shared on Face Book that are affirmations about god having their back, god taking care of their enemies, etc. "Breakthrough" is a big seller. It's all a bunch of brainwashing, the attempt to brainwash one's self, the technique peddled by those who want money or notoriety. It results in a momentary high with an "amen!" and then it's back to complaining about a shitty life, who is and is not good to them, etc.
A true breakthrough only comes when one can take a page out the script of the bible book of Job. I'll sum the book up in human terms for ya:
Satan seduces god into a cock-waving competition. The wave of god's cock= Job. The wave of Satan's cock=the suffering he can cause Job.
Now, Job does all the mental exercises those doing their own self brainwashing with affirmations are doing (and yes, I did myself at one time). They are finding ways to justify what is happening to them. The false comforters are doing the same for Job (as the spiritual hustlers are doing in selling their statements of affirmation and declarations). Eventually Job gets a strong sense of self that is indisputable. He justifies himself and demands god do the same. Yes, god huffs and puffs and bluffs then acknowledges Job's position with action: restoration of all Job had lost. We all know those kinds of people: they will not acknowledge your being right with their words (their ego is too fragile and will not admit to being wrong), but they will do what is needed of them because it is the right thing to do. God admitted he could not justify his actions (or lack of them on Job's behalf) in action, if not in words. Neither god nor Satan won that cock-waving contest. Job did. The end.
So, what would it look like to be like Job in this day and age, in plain English language? Number one: we all know pissing contests are absurdly immature. Too many of these affirmations are a "god has my back not yours" pissing contest. Drop them. If all your misery is what god having your back looks like......call him on it. Seriously. "You're doing a piss poor job of showing me you have my back!" If you're a man: "Hey, hypocrite! You made me in your image. If you're finding fault in my choices, you're not liking to look in the mirror, it's about time you got over it and changed yourself, not me! I cannot help how you made me!" If you're a woman, fire away with glee: "You didn't like what you saw and made me to be what you were lacking as you saw fit according to your mirror-the man you made in your image. You need ME! Stop treating me as if I am less than the answer to YOUR prayers, baby!". Seriously. Stop taking the blame and making excuses for your own state of being and affairs. "Hey, god, people are smart enough to not expect an infant to go out, get a job and feed themselves: I can't be expected to be or do anything more than what you gave me to be!" (I'd add 'retard!' to the end of that, but that's just the level of 'irreverent' I can be.....and it worked for me. Not kidding). Wait for the huff and puff and bluff to pass then walk on with your head held high, because your restoration is coming and everything that happens to you from that point is there to take you into that restoration. Call god on his bullshit, make your own breakthrough and then prepare for real miracles to happen. Argue for and assert your innocence to every thought, demon and human being who comes at you with accusations of being anything less than the answer to god's prayers and/or his own perfect creation.
After being inspired to write this, I happened to then come across someone else with a similar approach (take what serves and leave the rest as in all we watch, hear or read- but woohoo! synchronicity! I am on the right path, babies):
Matt Kahn, spiritual gangsta
A true breakthrough only comes when one can take a page out the script of the bible book of Job. I'll sum the book up in human terms for ya:
Satan seduces god into a cock-waving competition. The wave of god's cock= Job. The wave of Satan's cock=the suffering he can cause Job.
Now, Job does all the mental exercises those doing their own self brainwashing with affirmations are doing (and yes, I did myself at one time). They are finding ways to justify what is happening to them. The false comforters are doing the same for Job (as the spiritual hustlers are doing in selling their statements of affirmation and declarations). Eventually Job gets a strong sense of self that is indisputable. He justifies himself and demands god do the same. Yes, god huffs and puffs and bluffs then acknowledges Job's position with action: restoration of all Job had lost. We all know those kinds of people: they will not acknowledge your being right with their words (their ego is too fragile and will not admit to being wrong), but they will do what is needed of them because it is the right thing to do. God admitted he could not justify his actions (or lack of them on Job's behalf) in action, if not in words. Neither god nor Satan won that cock-waving contest. Job did. The end.
So, what would it look like to be like Job in this day and age, in plain English language? Number one: we all know pissing contests are absurdly immature. Too many of these affirmations are a "god has my back not yours" pissing contest. Drop them. If all your misery is what god having your back looks like......call him on it. Seriously. "You're doing a piss poor job of showing me you have my back!" If you're a man: "Hey, hypocrite! You made me in your image. If you're finding fault in my choices, you're not liking to look in the mirror, it's about time you got over it and changed yourself, not me! I cannot help how you made me!" If you're a woman, fire away with glee: "You didn't like what you saw and made me to be what you were lacking as you saw fit according to your mirror-the man you made in your image. You need ME! Stop treating me as if I am less than the answer to YOUR prayers, baby!". Seriously. Stop taking the blame and making excuses for your own state of being and affairs. "Hey, god, people are smart enough to not expect an infant to go out, get a job and feed themselves: I can't be expected to be or do anything more than what you gave me to be!" (I'd add 'retard!' to the end of that, but that's just the level of 'irreverent' I can be.....and it worked for me. Not kidding). Wait for the huff and puff and bluff to pass then walk on with your head held high, because your restoration is coming and everything that happens to you from that point is there to take you into that restoration. Call god on his bullshit, make your own breakthrough and then prepare for real miracles to happen. Argue for and assert your innocence to every thought, demon and human being who comes at you with accusations of being anything less than the answer to god's prayers and/or his own perfect creation.
After being inspired to write this, I happened to then come across someone else with a similar approach (take what serves and leave the rest as in all we watch, hear or read- but woohoo! synchronicity! I am on the right path, babies):
Matt Kahn, spiritual gangsta
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Why I don't keep pets or want to be with someone who does
I am not an animal rights activist. You won't find animal cruelty posts on my fb timeline. You won't see me harassing neighbors who keep pets or even hear me stating these things on a regular basis. I pet and comfort pets when approached. I speak to them, out loud and telepathically. My best friend growing up was my horse. There are going to be wondrous, unexpected interactions between animals and people. This is not here to judge or condemn anyone. This here just for those who sincerely, reflectively want to know.
Someone said that as a healer I should acknowledge the healing quality of keeping pets for some people. As if I was a hypocrite to call myself a healer and not want to be intimately involved with one who keeps pets. Number one, I identified as a healer who decided to heal herself. So, obviously, I do not believe in using other conscious beings for this. Number 2 is where it gets ugly, but as the shaman who had to draw a ship in the sand before the rest of the tribe could see the literal, physical ship causing the strange waves off shore........I'm going to have to be the one to draw the picture here.
The adult dog has the emotional and mental intelligence of a 3 month old wolf. One is placing all their burdens upon and seeking relief from an infant. One might go so far as call this emotional bestiality...a violation of one of a different species without the capacity to know better, such as a child or mentally hand-capped individual. Would you go stroke your disease into a small, mentally handicapped child to relieve yourself of your own discomfort?
Animals love me, warm up to me as they would not to most, even domesticated ones. That does not mean I want any part of keeping them. Most of them are suffering the anxiety, nervous conditions, stress, insecurities of the energetic fields of the people they live with. They're bat-shit crazy from confinement. Their physical ailments are horrifying, cancerous growths, etc. as they absorb the energetic diseases of the people they live with. Stockholm syndrome is intentionally created to keep them. Keepers of pets are quite possibly energetic vampires.
If you walked down a road and people began yelling threats from their yards, they'd be considered insane for sure. And yet, when one walks down the average street, dogs behind fences, from within houses and on leashes bark up storms at non-threatening people walking by. Why is this insanity not recognized?
It is said; if one likes a flower, they pick it and bring it home. If someone loves a flower they leave it in the field to grow, live it's longest, fullest life. The same can be said for animals and people.
Someone said that as a healer I should acknowledge the healing quality of keeping pets for some people. As if I was a hypocrite to call myself a healer and not want to be intimately involved with one who keeps pets. Number one, I identified as a healer who decided to heal herself. So, obviously, I do not believe in using other conscious beings for this. Number 2 is where it gets ugly, but as the shaman who had to draw a ship in the sand before the rest of the tribe could see the literal, physical ship causing the strange waves off shore........I'm going to have to be the one to draw the picture here.
The adult dog has the emotional and mental intelligence of a 3 month old wolf. One is placing all their burdens upon and seeking relief from an infant. One might go so far as call this emotional bestiality...a violation of one of a different species without the capacity to know better, such as a child or mentally hand-capped individual. Would you go stroke your disease into a small, mentally handicapped child to relieve yourself of your own discomfort?
Animals love me, warm up to me as they would not to most, even domesticated ones. That does not mean I want any part of keeping them. Most of them are suffering the anxiety, nervous conditions, stress, insecurities of the energetic fields of the people they live with. They're bat-shit crazy from confinement. Their physical ailments are horrifying, cancerous growths, etc. as they absorb the energetic diseases of the people they live with. Stockholm syndrome is intentionally created to keep them. Keepers of pets are quite possibly energetic vampires.
If you walked down a road and people began yelling threats from their yards, they'd be considered insane for sure. And yet, when one walks down the average street, dogs behind fences, from within houses and on leashes bark up storms at non-threatening people walking by. Why is this insanity not recognized?
It is said; if one likes a flower, they pick it and bring it home. If someone loves a flower they leave it in the field to grow, live it's longest, fullest life. The same can be said for animals and people.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Of The Gods and Goddesses
According to Abrahamic traditions (Jewish, Muslim, Christian), a horde of gods came upon a watery womb in which a planet was encapsulated, whose consciousness was so supremely subtle, they did not register it. They declared it uninhabited, formless, a waste land. These gods then invaded this watery womb, disfigured the planet within it, raping it and prematurely drawing 'children' from it. They called this good. One god waged war on the other gods who lured his child of rape and premature birth, He also waged war on these children who he created in his own image and did not like what he saw in this mirror (this man made in his image, who he felt was lacking and so created woman). In doing so, he became the oppressor of all other gods and goddesses and declared himself the only god. This has been repeated through the ages and generations: to disfigure that which is not perceived/understood and the waging of war upon our own reflections as embodied by other beings. The disfigurement of women, of ripping unborn children from the womb in those wars is in imitation declared "good". Rape is "good"; of the Earth and others.
Then a funny thing happened. As gods are known to do, the human female caught this self declared almighty god's attention, even though he condemned the other gods for doing this. Spirits from deep within the Earth whose consciousness could not be picked up by this god's radar became one with human woman whose attention this god had. She was to be his. Instead, she expressed the subtleties he could not connect, always doing the unexpected and being blessed and protected by that which he could not perceive existed. The existence of that which he could not see could no longer be denied and he began to bow to it's mastery. The deaf god began to hear the whisper upon the wind. He began to understand and see where it had been weaving it's self in and around him from the beginning. He raised that consciousness up into the heavens, making it known and recognized on every level of them. He began to recognize it's voice in him and he begged for a burning, a destroying of himself as he was. He set that new queen back upon the Earth as the foretold "New Jerusalem", which, it turned out, 'she' had prophesied through his own "mouth" would come to be, It is beginning to be embodied by the women capable of it, to be the dominant energy upon the Earth.
All qualities of the divine are limitless and that includes, anger, strife, etc. There will be pockets of them always in existence, living and dying perpetually, outside of this "new city". The pockets of upset will be held in place, unable to feed upon or attack or effect the 'New Jerusalem" state of being, which also must exist as a perpetual expression of the divine qualities of wholeness. I have been given to see how this could be without walls or wars. The example given was vampires. If the vampire were to drink the blood of one not of their designated tribe in their pocket of existence, that blood would poison them. A divine thirst for blood in it's perfection would be endless and thus require it's own perpetual existence. The dominance of disfigurement, rape and consumption will end without complete destruction because it, too is of divine origins. And the light will always have it's contrast to show that it is indeed light.
Your god is not merely a different perception of my god. It is a mistake to believe all religions are merely expressions of one god. We resist the death of the surface of this planet and the "life" upon it, while not recognizing that most of it was born of trauma and that which is born of trauma will tend to be traumatic. The Earth, now recognized and respected will determine what her surface looks like and which children she will birth. "Native" "Aboriginal" people whose "knowledge of her" came from the stars........that knowledge was void of her own consciousness in the majority of it and so is not accurate. It, too is a product of traumatic natures visited upon the Earth. That is why she gave them the prophesy of a new tribe to replace them, one of her own making out of those she specifically has chosen out of all the tribes and nations. The black snake is hers and wouldn't be allowed to be taken to kill off the abominations if she did not allow it. Amazing how people of "faith" who believe all things came out of this Jesus being could believe something is not born of the divine, that it can disown credit for it,as if it was not one of it's own aspects coming into form and that a consciousness as powerful as the Earth herself would be helpless against men bent on destroying things.
Everything is in order, happening for a reason and the Earth is just fine.
Then a funny thing happened. As gods are known to do, the human female caught this self declared almighty god's attention, even though he condemned the other gods for doing this. Spirits from deep within the Earth whose consciousness could not be picked up by this god's radar became one with human woman whose attention this god had. She was to be his. Instead, she expressed the subtleties he could not connect, always doing the unexpected and being blessed and protected by that which he could not perceive existed. The existence of that which he could not see could no longer be denied and he began to bow to it's mastery. The deaf god began to hear the whisper upon the wind. He began to understand and see where it had been weaving it's self in and around him from the beginning. He raised that consciousness up into the heavens, making it known and recognized on every level of them. He began to recognize it's voice in him and he begged for a burning, a destroying of himself as he was. He set that new queen back upon the Earth as the foretold "New Jerusalem", which, it turned out, 'she' had prophesied through his own "mouth" would come to be, It is beginning to be embodied by the women capable of it, to be the dominant energy upon the Earth.
All qualities of the divine are limitless and that includes, anger, strife, etc. There will be pockets of them always in existence, living and dying perpetually, outside of this "new city". The pockets of upset will be held in place, unable to feed upon or attack or effect the 'New Jerusalem" state of being, which also must exist as a perpetual expression of the divine qualities of wholeness. I have been given to see how this could be without walls or wars. The example given was vampires. If the vampire were to drink the blood of one not of their designated tribe in their pocket of existence, that blood would poison them. A divine thirst for blood in it's perfection would be endless and thus require it's own perpetual existence. The dominance of disfigurement, rape and consumption will end without complete destruction because it, too is of divine origins. And the light will always have it's contrast to show that it is indeed light.
Your god is not merely a different perception of my god. It is a mistake to believe all religions are merely expressions of one god. We resist the death of the surface of this planet and the "life" upon it, while not recognizing that most of it was born of trauma and that which is born of trauma will tend to be traumatic. The Earth, now recognized and respected will determine what her surface looks like and which children she will birth. "Native" "Aboriginal" people whose "knowledge of her" came from the stars........that knowledge was void of her own consciousness in the majority of it and so is not accurate. It, too is a product of traumatic natures visited upon the Earth. That is why she gave them the prophesy of a new tribe to replace them, one of her own making out of those she specifically has chosen out of all the tribes and nations. The black snake is hers and wouldn't be allowed to be taken to kill off the abominations if she did not allow it. Amazing how people of "faith" who believe all things came out of this Jesus being could believe something is not born of the divine, that it can disown credit for it,as if it was not one of it's own aspects coming into form and that a consciousness as powerful as the Earth herself would be helpless against men bent on destroying things.
Everything is in order, happening for a reason and the Earth is just fine.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Moving from anger to wrath......
Jesus, in oneness with god, was recorded as saying "I do not judge, but when I do, my judgement is true". The same can be applied to self-protection, our sense of self-worth; "I do not get angry, but when I do, my wrath is true/appropriate". Really no anger is inappropriate. It is showing us our triggers, where we are not being true to ourselves and thus being exposed. In that case, it's on us and we wouldn't want to be taking it out on anybody else. Then there are real infringements that need addressing. When living authentically, the only thing left is wrath at real infringements and usually it's just the signal to the universe that there is no doubt within us that we are ready to be released from limitations. The infringement is merely a question, the answer a conviction so strong it comes out as wrathful.
I have feared this aspect of our full spectrum, and rightfully so, probably. I grew up on the receiving end of two very volatile parents and a volatile brother 9 months younger but physically much bigger. Anger=abuse and so I never felt safe amidst confrontation with anger, theirs or mine. Even a voice bold with conviction and clear direction would make me cry. The only time anyone in my experience became sure of what they were going to do, it was when they overcame self-control to attack me violently. I didn't want to do that to anyone else...ever.
Add to that "supernatural interference", which I now recognize as my portion of wrath acting separately from me. When one of my brother's friends crossed the line in bullying me on the school bus, hitting me square between the eyes with a pencil he flung at me, I stood up in all my wrath and declared while looking him straight in the eye, "I wish you were dead". He was hit by a car and killed when running across the road in a game of tag not long after.
When in high school a new girl came into town from New York. From small countryside town perspective, it was obvious she was badass and I steered clear of her.For some reason she became focused on me and ganged up with other girls who did not like me. One of them had a court date where she was going to be let off parole or something. They had vowed they were going straight from that court room to hunting me down and killing me. They never made it to the court hearing, they were decapitated in a car accident on their way there.
There were the times when "wrath" had to take me out to see to it's business. I had come to fear being provoked well and good by the time I was dating a guy over 6 1/2 ft tall, well muscled and spoiled first-born Italian son, He exuded privilege and knew he could get away with anything. We were at a party and he was using other girls to make me jealous, humiliate me. Finally, walking into the house, he let the door slam in my face as I walked in behind him after he had held it open for them. I felt humiliated and don't remember a damn thing until the next day when his mother was secretly thanking me. Apparently, I had snapped his leg at the knee so bad he could touch his toes to his nose without lifting his upper leg---unhinged completely.
The other time wrath put me in the back seat was when my brother's friend, a busty, arrogant red-head decided to make me her target. She shoved me, shoved me again and then went to swing. I don't remember anything from there until I woke up on top of her punching her in the face and I looked on in horror. "Let go of my hair, I don't want to be doing this to you!" I yelled at her. She let go and ran from there.
It was after those "blackouts" I began to cling to my consciousness determinedly. I did not like not remembering. I became a consciousness self-control freak and people pleaser, more than I was already. This kept my wrath separate from me. Being separated made my wrath angry at me. I did not know what it was then because I was used to anger coming from my parents. This time was clearly "supernaturally fueled", however; my father had moved into an apartment and I had gone to stay with him. He was the lesser of two evils between my parents at that point. I had come home from a dance at school with my boyfriend and friends. My father was passed out drunk on the couch, so I said good night and tried to sneak past him to my room. You learn not to wake a sleeping drunk, even if you mad eit home before curfew. Before my friends could leave and before I could sneak past the couch, my father leapt up over the back of the couch from a dead sleep. He grabbed me up off my feet one-handed and began to toss me like a rag doll against the walls. When he stopped for a minute to tell my friends to leave and send me to my room, I told my boyfriend to go out back and wait for me. I ran up to my room, barricaded the door and jumped out the second story window through a snowstorm and into my boyfriend's arms. Disembodied wrath WILL haunt you. Even college educated psychologists will tell you a teenager's repressed aspects will manifest as poltergeists and shit (I took a psychology class in college, so that's how I know). When I returned to my room the next day when I knew he'd be out, it was trashed. He had broken the door down and tossed furniture when he couldn't find me. I went back to stay with my mother.
Now I can see my wrath was appropriate and brought me no harm when I did embody it. I remember when there were no negative consequences for it. There was the time I was waitressing and my butt got grabbed. I swung as I turned only to hit my boss square across the face. I was horrified, but he did apologize and did not fire me.
I began to come to terms with my portion of wrath a few years ago. It seems it has a thing with heads. Guy who kidnapped me? Skull cracked open after I escaped from him in some kind of hillbilly sled behind a four wheeler fun stunt. He's walking around not quite right in the head ever since-worse than before he did that to me. Lover who betrayed me? Cracked upside the head and sent to the hospital after I told him not to come back. He had become protective of a young street woman and her drug dealer was used to 'knock some sense' into him. He also got charged for rape when he tried to help out another woman.
I only consciously summoned my disembodied wrath once as "Arch Angel Michael" after I felt "the hand of god" slam down and demand a stop to the taking of children from me. A neighbor who coveted my ability to bear children chose to lie in court about me. No doubt my ex promised he'd be paying her for giving riding lessons to the children he would be able to take from me for years to come if she did this. (She did similar previously in another matter, so it is informed understanding of her charector, not a wild guess). When I lit that candle in the ritual to summon Arch Angel Michael with the request for vengeance, I did not put a label on that vengeance before I saw the dark form emerge from the flame of the candle like smoke, I just trusted "he" would know what was appropriate.As horrified as I was by the idea, I see now that it was just: her "children" for mine. She couldn't have babies at that time, so her horses were her children. She lost some in a barn fire. Shortly after losing her "children", her husband divorced her. Some would think the outward appearance of her life now is better; "none the worse for wear", but she is in fact trapped in a marriage as sadistic as the relationship I had left with a man as manipulative and controlling as the one she aided and abetted in robbing me of two of my children.
I know none of this is my imagination, hallucination or some sort of insanity. The clearest, most obvious evidence given me was my interactions with a "believing" woman I shared living space with for a time. She would marvel openly at how while we'd be having conversations about spiritual things, she could see it in my eyes when divinely originated words came through me with concepts I did not know until the moment I was speaking them. She had been making a hard time for me on many fronts, but the one in particular that humiliated me was my digestive issues I was then experiencing. As we spoke and she apologized to me I felt the heat rise in me, even though I was accepting the apology. She saw that light in my eyes as I spoke of what she had visited upon me would be visited upon her as she suffered digestive issues even worse than mine. She said it felt like I was cursing her. No, not a curse. It was "divine wrath" speaking a foreboding fact prophetically.
To sum it up, after reviewing all this, I have come to understand that we are given qualities of the divine/universe/all that is, in equal measure. With larger capacities for being a vessel of immense love, profound understanding, sharp emotional and intellectual intelligence, crystal clear, highly intuitive 'psychic' senses..... the matching capacity for self worth, which we might call wrath when it is infringed upon, is included. This self worth in the form of wrath is not a "warning" being issued. It is the known fact that what has been visited upon the divine as it is expressing it's self in a vessel will be visited upon the infringer of that self worth in equal or greater measure (it gains momentum as it travels and the energy portion of self worth triggered in the infringed upon is added to the energy of that which did the offending). All this is allowed to occur for the shaping of the vessels. Most are only sorry because intellectually they know they've done wrong according to their conditioning or because they do not like the results of their actions; had something taken from them they wanted or are experiencing pain.The only true knowing that one has done wrong is to be aware of that wrong being visited upon them in return. The only true "sorry" is to acknowledge and accept and allow without resistance this lesson to come upon them. One must willingly and consciously walk in the other's shoes, finding love and appreciation for the one who wore them before you. It is to acknowledge the perspective they may have gotten from that infringement, even if it is not the one you took from the circumstances. To be sorry is to "see" clearly and widely with love and appreciation for the one whose self worth we have infringed. "Sorry" is a joy to be had rather than a "sorrow"/sadness to be embodied.
"This is the word that goes out and does not return until it is fulfilled, visited upon generation after generation until a vessel comes forth in which true 'sorrow' is embodied". "This means the speaking of these perspective to each other"
Our job in all this is to allow ourselves to embody fully our self worth with proper boundaries in appropriate places, giving/allowing ourselves appropriate circumstances as an expression of self-respect so that our self-worth is not violated/infringed upon,..... made wrathful unnecessarily.
I have feared this aspect of our full spectrum, and rightfully so, probably. I grew up on the receiving end of two very volatile parents and a volatile brother 9 months younger but physically much bigger. Anger=abuse and so I never felt safe amidst confrontation with anger, theirs or mine. Even a voice bold with conviction and clear direction would make me cry. The only time anyone in my experience became sure of what they were going to do, it was when they overcame self-control to attack me violently. I didn't want to do that to anyone else...ever.
Add to that "supernatural interference", which I now recognize as my portion of wrath acting separately from me. When one of my brother's friends crossed the line in bullying me on the school bus, hitting me square between the eyes with a pencil he flung at me, I stood up in all my wrath and declared while looking him straight in the eye, "I wish you were dead". He was hit by a car and killed when running across the road in a game of tag not long after.
When in high school a new girl came into town from New York. From small countryside town perspective, it was obvious she was badass and I steered clear of her.For some reason she became focused on me and ganged up with other girls who did not like me. One of them had a court date where she was going to be let off parole or something. They had vowed they were going straight from that court room to hunting me down and killing me. They never made it to the court hearing, they were decapitated in a car accident on their way there.
There were the times when "wrath" had to take me out to see to it's business. I had come to fear being provoked well and good by the time I was dating a guy over 6 1/2 ft tall, well muscled and spoiled first-born Italian son, He exuded privilege and knew he could get away with anything. We were at a party and he was using other girls to make me jealous, humiliate me. Finally, walking into the house, he let the door slam in my face as I walked in behind him after he had held it open for them. I felt humiliated and don't remember a damn thing until the next day when his mother was secretly thanking me. Apparently, I had snapped his leg at the knee so bad he could touch his toes to his nose without lifting his upper leg---unhinged completely.
The other time wrath put me in the back seat was when my brother's friend, a busty, arrogant red-head decided to make me her target. She shoved me, shoved me again and then went to swing. I don't remember anything from there until I woke up on top of her punching her in the face and I looked on in horror. "Let go of my hair, I don't want to be doing this to you!" I yelled at her. She let go and ran from there.
It was after those "blackouts" I began to cling to my consciousness determinedly. I did not like not remembering. I became a consciousness self-control freak and people pleaser, more than I was already. This kept my wrath separate from me. Being separated made my wrath angry at me. I did not know what it was then because I was used to anger coming from my parents. This time was clearly "supernaturally fueled", however; my father had moved into an apartment and I had gone to stay with him. He was the lesser of two evils between my parents at that point. I had come home from a dance at school with my boyfriend and friends. My father was passed out drunk on the couch, so I said good night and tried to sneak past him to my room. You learn not to wake a sleeping drunk, even if you mad eit home before curfew. Before my friends could leave and before I could sneak past the couch, my father leapt up over the back of the couch from a dead sleep. He grabbed me up off my feet one-handed and began to toss me like a rag doll against the walls. When he stopped for a minute to tell my friends to leave and send me to my room, I told my boyfriend to go out back and wait for me. I ran up to my room, barricaded the door and jumped out the second story window through a snowstorm and into my boyfriend's arms. Disembodied wrath WILL haunt you. Even college educated psychologists will tell you a teenager's repressed aspects will manifest as poltergeists and shit (I took a psychology class in college, so that's how I know). When I returned to my room the next day when I knew he'd be out, it was trashed. He had broken the door down and tossed furniture when he couldn't find me. I went back to stay with my mother.
Now I can see my wrath was appropriate and brought me no harm when I did embody it. I remember when there were no negative consequences for it. There was the time I was waitressing and my butt got grabbed. I swung as I turned only to hit my boss square across the face. I was horrified, but he did apologize and did not fire me.
I began to come to terms with my portion of wrath a few years ago. It seems it has a thing with heads. Guy who kidnapped me? Skull cracked open after I escaped from him in some kind of hillbilly sled behind a four wheeler fun stunt. He's walking around not quite right in the head ever since-worse than before he did that to me. Lover who betrayed me? Cracked upside the head and sent to the hospital after I told him not to come back. He had become protective of a young street woman and her drug dealer was used to 'knock some sense' into him. He also got charged for rape when he tried to help out another woman.
I only consciously summoned my disembodied wrath once as "Arch Angel Michael" after I felt "the hand of god" slam down and demand a stop to the taking of children from me. A neighbor who coveted my ability to bear children chose to lie in court about me. No doubt my ex promised he'd be paying her for giving riding lessons to the children he would be able to take from me for years to come if she did this. (She did similar previously in another matter, so it is informed understanding of her charector, not a wild guess). When I lit that candle in the ritual to summon Arch Angel Michael with the request for vengeance, I did not put a label on that vengeance before I saw the dark form emerge from the flame of the candle like smoke, I just trusted "he" would know what was appropriate.As horrified as I was by the idea, I see now that it was just: her "children" for mine. She couldn't have babies at that time, so her horses were her children. She lost some in a barn fire. Shortly after losing her "children", her husband divorced her. Some would think the outward appearance of her life now is better; "none the worse for wear", but she is in fact trapped in a marriage as sadistic as the relationship I had left with a man as manipulative and controlling as the one she aided and abetted in robbing me of two of my children.
I know none of this is my imagination, hallucination or some sort of insanity. The clearest, most obvious evidence given me was my interactions with a "believing" woman I shared living space with for a time. She would marvel openly at how while we'd be having conversations about spiritual things, she could see it in my eyes when divinely originated words came through me with concepts I did not know until the moment I was speaking them. She had been making a hard time for me on many fronts, but the one in particular that humiliated me was my digestive issues I was then experiencing. As we spoke and she apologized to me I felt the heat rise in me, even though I was accepting the apology. She saw that light in my eyes as I spoke of what she had visited upon me would be visited upon her as she suffered digestive issues even worse than mine. She said it felt like I was cursing her. No, not a curse. It was "divine wrath" speaking a foreboding fact prophetically.
To sum it up, after reviewing all this, I have come to understand that we are given qualities of the divine/universe/all that is, in equal measure. With larger capacities for being a vessel of immense love, profound understanding, sharp emotional and intellectual intelligence, crystal clear, highly intuitive 'psychic' senses..... the matching capacity for self worth, which we might call wrath when it is infringed upon, is included. This self worth in the form of wrath is not a "warning" being issued. It is the known fact that what has been visited upon the divine as it is expressing it's self in a vessel will be visited upon the infringer of that self worth in equal or greater measure (it gains momentum as it travels and the energy portion of self worth triggered in the infringed upon is added to the energy of that which did the offending). All this is allowed to occur for the shaping of the vessels. Most are only sorry because intellectually they know they've done wrong according to their conditioning or because they do not like the results of their actions; had something taken from them they wanted or are experiencing pain.The only true knowing that one has done wrong is to be aware of that wrong being visited upon them in return. The only true "sorry" is to acknowledge and accept and allow without resistance this lesson to come upon them. One must willingly and consciously walk in the other's shoes, finding love and appreciation for the one who wore them before you. It is to acknowledge the perspective they may have gotten from that infringement, even if it is not the one you took from the circumstances. To be sorry is to "see" clearly and widely with love and appreciation for the one whose self worth we have infringed. "Sorry" is a joy to be had rather than a "sorrow"/sadness to be embodied.
"This is the word that goes out and does not return until it is fulfilled, visited upon generation after generation until a vessel comes forth in which true 'sorrow' is embodied". "This means the speaking of these perspective to each other"
Our job in all this is to allow ourselves to embody fully our self worth with proper boundaries in appropriate places, giving/allowing ourselves appropriate circumstances as an expression of self-respect so that our self-worth is not violated/infringed upon,..... made wrathful unnecessarily.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Florida- the Rest of the Story
If swamp lands be the digestive system of a continent, is it any wonder the people they possess are inclined to want to break you down, chew you up and spit you out?
As I headed to my destination in Florida, where I intended to dwell, I had to pass through a swamp on a long raised road far between settlements. I could feel the swamps tapping into me and following me to my destination. Theirs was a sweet, endearing psychic 'smell'. As I dwelled there in "civilization", the middle of a housing development in a rather large city (comparatively, according to my experience), the swamp was right there with me in my quiet moments. The swamp lands surrounding the area let me know how delighted they were with my presence. They would do no real harm to me. They loved me for my strength of mind, my charector, my ability to see the beauty and appreciate things despite the tearing forces that came upon me.......to see myself in the vessels being used, the strength and charector in them while still not taking any shit as appropriate.
I had learned from the spirit of the land in Maine to allow darkness come take it's quarry....the darkness in me that was resonating with the dark nature there. I had learned from a story shared with me by the land in a holler in Kentucky that just because it kills you, it does not mean it does not love you, it's love can be quite true, innocent, sincere. So, I had been prepared for the "dark" forces of the swamp, just performing a natural function of dismembering, dissolving, carrying away, creating something nourishing. I could allow it to have it's way with me. I processed much, I let go of much more. I was finally carried out of there nourished and able to nourish. I came out raw and naked and in many ways purified, closer to my natural state and thus nature....which is what had us howling at the mountains around us in Montana, drawing the attention of "Wolf Woman". I had been very much re-wilded, made feral in the swamps of Florida.
My trust that the swamps would not allow me to come to any real harm was not misguided, as was proven to me via an experience one night while we stayed in a ramshackle shack made of scrap wood on the banks of a local creek which flowed through an area of swamp . I had gotten into the habit of leaving food scraps out for the "campground's" neighborhood cat, away from our site because it had been coming in to try to get some anyways. When I saw eyes reflecting light in the dark where I had left the scraps, I spoke out loud to what I thought was the cat. I heard deep growls, saw another set of eyes higher and behind the first set. It was some local dogs known to attack. They ran at and leaped straight at me, teeth bared and the idea of my face being torn off being projected at me. I stood perfectly still in a state of somewhat wonder and WTF! Holy Shit! Is this happening?! And they simply disappeared in mid-air right in front of me. I stood there in the dark in the silence of a swamp at peace and the trickling of the creek flowing behind me. Errr, that's one way to show me that I'm protected!
On the banks of that creek, under the trees, amongst the snakes, gators and poisonous spiders, I cried, I sang, I danced, I sat still in perfect serenity just breathing, simply BEing in those moments, and I used my body more bravely than I had in many a year. As one with those swamps I let the land of parboiled toads under the rulership of the queen toad with a wig show me things, I learned to speak my truth, stand my ground and see so clearly I had to respect my own way of walking this world. As one with the swamp, I learned I didn't have to be clingy to a lover, I could hold to what I wanted and let go gracefully. I witnessed my love being seen through what would normally be expected to be ugly and enemy-making. As one with those swamps, I lived out a long time fantasy of being made love to by two men at once and it was delicious! When one wasn't doing it for me and I said enough, that was respected without the usual bad-mouthing and resentment. He simply didn't have "the touch", respected it and I got to enjoy further attention from the older one who did. I learned that yes, even after penetration, a woman's "No, this is not working for me" CAN be respected. When they say "Once you go black, you never go back", I suspect it has nothing to do with the size of the dick as is a common assertion. When asked "What is love?", I answered "Love is the bursting forth of the abundance of life in spring". In that answer he was impressed and I learned something about me. As one with those swamps I saw the fulfillment of a vision I had the previous winter....the raspberry kisses, sweetest I ever had experienced and as the vision had shown me, we were parted by his job which required traveling. I got in touch with my innocence and it's energetically/spiritually pure sexuality. I fell in love with my body. Those swamps saw me stripped and naked on so many levels in so many ways. Like the rich compost to come out of them, I was fertilized with the richest experiences a summer could ever offer. The "smell" of them is never very far away. As I had learned from the land in Maine, a land remembers you. It can connect with and look after you, gift you even when you're thousands of miles away.
We ARE expressions of the Earth beneath our feet. It will birth us, nourish us and teach us just like any mother. The only "demons" out there are the spirits in us twisted by our own perceptions of them, their ways and their purpose.
As I headed to my destination in Florida, where I intended to dwell, I had to pass through a swamp on a long raised road far between settlements. I could feel the swamps tapping into me and following me to my destination. Theirs was a sweet, endearing psychic 'smell'. As I dwelled there in "civilization", the middle of a housing development in a rather large city (comparatively, according to my experience), the swamp was right there with me in my quiet moments. The swamp lands surrounding the area let me know how delighted they were with my presence. They would do no real harm to me. They loved me for my strength of mind, my charector, my ability to see the beauty and appreciate things despite the tearing forces that came upon me.......to see myself in the vessels being used, the strength and charector in them while still not taking any shit as appropriate.
I had learned from the spirit of the land in Maine to allow darkness come take it's quarry....the darkness in me that was resonating with the dark nature there. I had learned from a story shared with me by the land in a holler in Kentucky that just because it kills you, it does not mean it does not love you, it's love can be quite true, innocent, sincere. So, I had been prepared for the "dark" forces of the swamp, just performing a natural function of dismembering, dissolving, carrying away, creating something nourishing. I could allow it to have it's way with me. I processed much, I let go of much more. I was finally carried out of there nourished and able to nourish. I came out raw and naked and in many ways purified, closer to my natural state and thus nature....which is what had us howling at the mountains around us in Montana, drawing the attention of "Wolf Woman". I had been very much re-wilded, made feral in the swamps of Florida.
My trust that the swamps would not allow me to come to any real harm was not misguided, as was proven to me via an experience one night while we stayed in a ramshackle shack made of scrap wood on the banks of a local creek which flowed through an area of swamp . I had gotten into the habit of leaving food scraps out for the "campground's" neighborhood cat, away from our site because it had been coming in to try to get some anyways. When I saw eyes reflecting light in the dark where I had left the scraps, I spoke out loud to what I thought was the cat. I heard deep growls, saw another set of eyes higher and behind the first set. It was some local dogs known to attack. They ran at and leaped straight at me, teeth bared and the idea of my face being torn off being projected at me. I stood perfectly still in a state of somewhat wonder and WTF! Holy Shit! Is this happening?! And they simply disappeared in mid-air right in front of me. I stood there in the dark in the silence of a swamp at peace and the trickling of the creek flowing behind me. Errr, that's one way to show me that I'm protected!
On the banks of that creek, under the trees, amongst the snakes, gators and poisonous spiders, I cried, I sang, I danced, I sat still in perfect serenity just breathing, simply BEing in those moments, and I used my body more bravely than I had in many a year. As one with those swamps I let the land of parboiled toads under the rulership of the queen toad with a wig show me things, I learned to speak my truth, stand my ground and see so clearly I had to respect my own way of walking this world. As one with the swamp, I learned I didn't have to be clingy to a lover, I could hold to what I wanted and let go gracefully. I witnessed my love being seen through what would normally be expected to be ugly and enemy-making. As one with those swamps, I lived out a long time fantasy of being made love to by two men at once and it was delicious! When one wasn't doing it for me and I said enough, that was respected without the usual bad-mouthing and resentment. He simply didn't have "the touch", respected it and I got to enjoy further attention from the older one who did. I learned that yes, even after penetration, a woman's "No, this is not working for me" CAN be respected. When they say "Once you go black, you never go back", I suspect it has nothing to do with the size of the dick as is a common assertion. When asked "What is love?", I answered "Love is the bursting forth of the abundance of life in spring". In that answer he was impressed and I learned something about me. As one with those swamps I saw the fulfillment of a vision I had the previous winter....the raspberry kisses, sweetest I ever had experienced and as the vision had shown me, we were parted by his job which required traveling. I got in touch with my innocence and it's energetically/spiritually pure sexuality. I fell in love with my body. Those swamps saw me stripped and naked on so many levels in so many ways. Like the rich compost to come out of them, I was fertilized with the richest experiences a summer could ever offer. The "smell" of them is never very far away. As I had learned from the land in Maine, a land remembers you. It can connect with and look after you, gift you even when you're thousands of miles away.
We ARE expressions of the Earth beneath our feet. It will birth us, nourish us and teach us just like any mother. The only "demons" out there are the spirits in us twisted by our own perceptions of them, their ways and their purpose.
A Shattering of Realities Coming to Bare.....
I saw an event sponsored by a domestic violence organization. I thought "this isn't going to work. These people are experiencing 'normal' relationships with the same type of interactions for generation upon generation. They aren't going to self-identify as abusive. They don't perceive the need for such an event, despite a local young woman killed by her intimate partner just days before this. What we need to do is show them a non-violent relationship in action, something they can aspire to (when they're done calling it corny, weak, sissies) and thus inspire a desire for change, a reconsideration of their perception of their reality". As is, you show them what an emotionally and intellectually violent relationship looks like and their response is "that's not abusive, that's fucking normal! My father never killed my mother. My mother never killed her kids. I never hurt anyone! These people don't know what they're talking about. They're the ones with the problem".
I saw a young man resentfully grab his girlfriend's tit because she was being 'needy'. A few days later the pre-teen she tutors did the same thing. She brushed it off as nothing. He was imitating her boyfriend and that's just 'normal guy' behavior. I, of course was appalled for a moment. It's true, it's their normal experience. Notably, she kept it from the boy's mother because she knew the boy would get in trouble for it.
Recently when this young couple was interacting; him beating her on the head 'playfully' but obviously frustrated, with a rolled up paper calling her stupid, etc. "Just do what I tell you to do!".... I said in a mock official voice "I'm a DV advocate, I'm a mandated reporter of this partner abuse stuff, so I'm just gonna turn my back here so I don't see this". Also, recently, a neighbor was criticizing the young woman's housekeeping habits, meal preparations, etc. I said I believed she's depressed. "Yeah, because she's cooped up in that apartment all day", the neighbor said. "No, because so are we, but we're not depressed".replied I. Synchronistically, the same young woman went to see a doctor recently who said she is depressed and asked if her boyfriend is abusive. The doctor nailed it and she refuses to hear it. She doesn't treat her child any differently than how her boyfriend treats her. There's a whole lot of ego on the line and a perception of herself and her whole reality being challenged.
The thing is, none of these people are evil. They are not the "bad guys". They're good-hearted, good natured, loving, outgoing, generous, attentive. They'll drop everything to help a neighbor who needs it. They're young and vibrant and brighten the world around them. They're simply conditioned to be frustrated, critical, and energetically violent. They're conditioned to lack emotional intelligence which leads to a fragile over-intellectualized ego. They're no different than the rest of mainstream western society. They are, in fact 'normal' with a greater sense of community contribution than city shut-ins.
"The Powers That BE" are, however, obviously pushing for an awakening. I believe they have the grit and love flowing through them to survive what is being asked of them: to become pioneers of social change in their community.
I saw a young man resentfully grab his girlfriend's tit because she was being 'needy'. A few days later the pre-teen she tutors did the same thing. She brushed it off as nothing. He was imitating her boyfriend and that's just 'normal guy' behavior. I, of course was appalled for a moment. It's true, it's their normal experience. Notably, she kept it from the boy's mother because she knew the boy would get in trouble for it.
Recently when this young couple was interacting; him beating her on the head 'playfully' but obviously frustrated, with a rolled up paper calling her stupid, etc. "Just do what I tell you to do!".... I said in a mock official voice "I'm a DV advocate, I'm a mandated reporter of this partner abuse stuff, so I'm just gonna turn my back here so I don't see this". Also, recently, a neighbor was criticizing the young woman's housekeeping habits, meal preparations, etc. I said I believed she's depressed. "Yeah, because she's cooped up in that apartment all day", the neighbor said. "No, because so are we, but we're not depressed".replied I. Synchronistically, the same young woman went to see a doctor recently who said she is depressed and asked if her boyfriend is abusive. The doctor nailed it and she refuses to hear it. She doesn't treat her child any differently than how her boyfriend treats her. There's a whole lot of ego on the line and a perception of herself and her whole reality being challenged.
The thing is, none of these people are evil. They are not the "bad guys". They're good-hearted, good natured, loving, outgoing, generous, attentive. They'll drop everything to help a neighbor who needs it. They're young and vibrant and brighten the world around them. They're simply conditioned to be frustrated, critical, and energetically violent. They're conditioned to lack emotional intelligence which leads to a fragile over-intellectualized ego. They're no different than the rest of mainstream western society. They are, in fact 'normal' with a greater sense of community contribution than city shut-ins.
"The Powers That BE" are, however, obviously pushing for an awakening. I believe they have the grit and love flowing through them to survive what is being asked of them: to become pioneers of social change in their community.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Wolf Woman-The Rest of the Playground Story
When I first moved here I wrote of how we went to the playground. My daughter stood up on an artificial rock formation and howled up at the mountains. I chimed in with a bolder howl from my place swinging on the swing set. I wrote of how it felt liberating. What I did not write about was what answered our howls. Wasn't it sensational enough, brave and socially daring enough to admit we're out in the public landscape howling like animals and relishing it? Did I not risk enough? Not if I am committed to full authenticity. Not if I desire to be fully honest. Not if I want to live my life's fullest experience in the fullness of which it has been given me.
It was not wolves that answered from the mountains around our valley, it was Wolf Woman of this land herself. She came into me and she came into my children, officially initiating us into this land, to this community. I could feel her delight at the scandalized reactions of the male spirits who witnessed our primal reverie coming from female forms. She delights in reactions when she is deprived of aware responses. As we became one, she became tempered in me. In me is understanding of why it is scandalous, rejected and she persecuted. In me is awareness of how we create our own reality and cause our own persecution to a degree, and how to become more accepted, embraced in our own bubble of experiential reality by embracing ourselves fully and not giving in to condemnation. So, she became playful. She likes to bark at you to engage you in play. You're supposed to bark back playfully and engaged in chasing or being chased. You're supposed to be fearless, unafraid of her. If you are not these things, she becomes aggressive, full of disdain for the weakness. She won't try to kill you, but she will become predatory in intimidating you "out of her face".
So it was my children gave voices to the stuffed animals they carried with them, barking, growling and hissing at a little girl who then came on the scene, all daintily dressed in fashionable clothing, carrying her dolly with all it's civilized equipment (stroller, bottles, etc). This newcomer to the scene did not get it. She cringed and got upset at the invitations to engage in play the animal way. She condemned my children as she went back from whence she came, looking over her shoulder fearfully. We may have been the newcomers, but it is we who are "native"/"indigenous" to it upon arriving and howling our joy of our primal experience in invitation to it's primal spirit. That often makes people angry: the favoritism we are often shown so quickly. They have been here for years and due to their own closed states of being, have not been showered and nurtured and accepted. I used to make myself small and refuse expressions of acceptance just to avoid making others angry, making them feel small and unlucky and especially unloved. I'm over it these days.
In me, through me, around me, this Wolf Woman of our valley is an angel of light, playful, frisky, full of delight at the sensuousness of our primal life. She will look after us, nurture us, protect us, share with us, guide us, engage us and receive our knowledge. Her presence in the locals, however is a completely different story. As she comes to be as one with them, she meets the blockages, resistance, judgement from the dominant Christian conditioning and teachings. In me, she is "Earthy", in them, she is "Salty" and mean, defensive. She cannot flow as one within them and so she outright posses them, "owns their asses", so to speak. Social discord, their rejection and judgement of each other, their abusive relationships are all her "vengeance". She causes them to strike out subtly, passive-aggressively, sarcastically which then causes their Christian trained consciences to then experience shame.....the rejection and shame they heap upon her every day. They don't get these lessons, though. To them, she is a demon who posses them, they've become victim to. They plead and seek salvation from her of a god who is a foreigner here. He can govern their minds. He can use the people to harm the surface of the land and thus the spirit of the Wolf Woman's feelings. But, no more. Not upon my arrival. In me her feelings cannot be hurt and in me, their god is already down on his knees.
I figured out that is why I get so offended and disgusted and resentful and angry when people begin pleading to god, asserting his support of them. When I was a Christian and I read the scripture where Jesus said to pray "that you be one with Him as I am one with Him", I did. My prayer was answered immediately, just as Jesus promised "Who gives their child a serpent when they ask for bread?".No one wants to be pigeon-holed to their pasts for an eternity. So, when he sees what they say and do "in his name" he gets angry..."That is not me! My followers are like Job, they called me on my bullshit, on my cock-waving. Stacey saved herself from me!". Oh, yes, near and dear to that one residing in and as one with me. He handed over the kingdom, let him go, already, sheesh!
This, of course, causes discomfort amongst my fellow humans with me. They see the Wolf Woman in me, but I do not shrink at their equal disdain at seeing it in me as they shower upon seeing it in themselves. I do not seek absolution from their idea of god, I do not see their demons, I see their idea of "angels" as demons not worthy of my time or attention, who I deny and dis-empower upon meeting. Their "angels" are false humility, prudish sexuality, constant fear of disease, judgement of themselves and others, and the "sin"/evil that they are told to believe lives in them. Their "angels" are distortion and corruption of all that is natural and holy.
What DOES come from these people of the Wolf Woman that DOES resonate with and fit in with their Christian conditioning is warmth and generosity, an eagerness to engage in community. They are protective of each other. There is a strong sense of taking care of neighbors....who aren't too offensive anyways. There is that old timey "Norman Rockwell" vibe to this place, a measure of innocence and "the good old days". They own their crazy-take care of the marginalized amongst them, who aren't too offensive, anyways. There's industrialized corruption, defense of ecological destruction just because "it was my daddy who started that company"....the clinging to childhood idealization, making them self righteous in the face of obvious need to change for their own well-being. With change comes a change in finances possibly, a change in status, a destroying of their idealization of their family. In their black and white world, anything less than a portrayal of their lives as perfection is calling them evil. They can't be evil if god is on their side and so, they are "righteous" and will defend it with their life. A simple: "oops, didn't realize we were poisoning ourselves here, let's do something different" does not exist in a good vs evil perspective. The devotion to family, in it's self, is a virtue of Wolf Woman, the loyalty, the longevity, the protectiveness, the commitment and dedication.
The Wolf Woman is also present in the casual attitude toward the complying with the "machine". As long as it looks like their cooperating, they're going their own way and doing their own thing. There's a stronger inclination toward sovereignty here so far from overwhelmingly sized civilization. In the winter roads in and out are often closed, highways shut down. Winter lasts more of the year than any other season. Before internet and cell phones, they spent more time isolated and thus independent than a part of the rest of the country/civilization. That gives more time for wildness to get and keep a grip in them. That makes them, over all, a passionate and playful people slightly schizophrenic in the head. The seizures, migraines, etc are testament to it. They'll be possessed by the "salty" spirit one minute and honestly not remembering what they said or did the next. This leads them to be disorganized and "discombobulated". They may have jobs and status but hardly have "their acts together", but because having a job and status is the worldly definition of having one's act together.....they are more prone to look at me as needing help because I limit my job, haven't yet achieved status and live more simply. And yet, I'm always on time, if not early. I've always got my records when needed, I'm on top of things, organized and emotionally with "my shit together", available on the spot when crisis arises, not judgmental or overwhelmed, ready to laugh and quick to catch the crossing of a healthy boundary.
Of course, this sort of analysis triggers anger in people who deny their demons, romanticize their lives and not wanting to take responsibility for their own problems, leaving all that to blame on god and demons "his people" and "those people".
We'll see where Wolf Woman and me go in this valley. I'm in the process of shedding many things, finding my voice and the strength to use it. While I am doing this, Wolf Woman is learning from me and going to work on her people, her voices in this valley. Maybe their god as existing in me is even making headway in their conditioning, opening their minds to see the scriptures differently.
In the mean time, if where I would normally say the eating of food is supposed to be an act of making love with the Earth instead of dependency, you instead see me writing "It is the licking of the Earth's clit and her sucking the dick of your lips"...well, you know The Wolf Woman Of Livingston is painting a picture for your understanding with me......
It was not wolves that answered from the mountains around our valley, it was Wolf Woman of this land herself. She came into me and she came into my children, officially initiating us into this land, to this community. I could feel her delight at the scandalized reactions of the male spirits who witnessed our primal reverie coming from female forms. She delights in reactions when she is deprived of aware responses. As we became one, she became tempered in me. In me is understanding of why it is scandalous, rejected and she persecuted. In me is awareness of how we create our own reality and cause our own persecution to a degree, and how to become more accepted, embraced in our own bubble of experiential reality by embracing ourselves fully and not giving in to condemnation. So, she became playful. She likes to bark at you to engage you in play. You're supposed to bark back playfully and engaged in chasing or being chased. You're supposed to be fearless, unafraid of her. If you are not these things, she becomes aggressive, full of disdain for the weakness. She won't try to kill you, but she will become predatory in intimidating you "out of her face".
So it was my children gave voices to the stuffed animals they carried with them, barking, growling and hissing at a little girl who then came on the scene, all daintily dressed in fashionable clothing, carrying her dolly with all it's civilized equipment (stroller, bottles, etc). This newcomer to the scene did not get it. She cringed and got upset at the invitations to engage in play the animal way. She condemned my children as she went back from whence she came, looking over her shoulder fearfully. We may have been the newcomers, but it is we who are "native"/"indigenous" to it upon arriving and howling our joy of our primal experience in invitation to it's primal spirit. That often makes people angry: the favoritism we are often shown so quickly. They have been here for years and due to their own closed states of being, have not been showered and nurtured and accepted. I used to make myself small and refuse expressions of acceptance just to avoid making others angry, making them feel small and unlucky and especially unloved. I'm over it these days.
In me, through me, around me, this Wolf Woman of our valley is an angel of light, playful, frisky, full of delight at the sensuousness of our primal life. She will look after us, nurture us, protect us, share with us, guide us, engage us and receive our knowledge. Her presence in the locals, however is a completely different story. As she comes to be as one with them, she meets the blockages, resistance, judgement from the dominant Christian conditioning and teachings. In me, she is "Earthy", in them, she is "Salty" and mean, defensive. She cannot flow as one within them and so she outright posses them, "owns their asses", so to speak. Social discord, their rejection and judgement of each other, their abusive relationships are all her "vengeance". She causes them to strike out subtly, passive-aggressively, sarcastically which then causes their Christian trained consciences to then experience shame.....the rejection and shame they heap upon her every day. They don't get these lessons, though. To them, she is a demon who posses them, they've become victim to. They plead and seek salvation from her of a god who is a foreigner here. He can govern their minds. He can use the people to harm the surface of the land and thus the spirit of the Wolf Woman's feelings. But, no more. Not upon my arrival. In me her feelings cannot be hurt and in me, their god is already down on his knees.
I figured out that is why I get so offended and disgusted and resentful and angry when people begin pleading to god, asserting his support of them. When I was a Christian and I read the scripture where Jesus said to pray "that you be one with Him as I am one with Him", I did. My prayer was answered immediately, just as Jesus promised "Who gives their child a serpent when they ask for bread?".No one wants to be pigeon-holed to their pasts for an eternity. So, when he sees what they say and do "in his name" he gets angry..."That is not me! My followers are like Job, they called me on my bullshit, on my cock-waving. Stacey saved herself from me!". Oh, yes, near and dear to that one residing in and as one with me. He handed over the kingdom, let him go, already, sheesh!
This, of course, causes discomfort amongst my fellow humans with me. They see the Wolf Woman in me, but I do not shrink at their equal disdain at seeing it in me as they shower upon seeing it in themselves. I do not seek absolution from their idea of god, I do not see their demons, I see their idea of "angels" as demons not worthy of my time or attention, who I deny and dis-empower upon meeting. Their "angels" are false humility, prudish sexuality, constant fear of disease, judgement of themselves and others, and the "sin"/evil that they are told to believe lives in them. Their "angels" are distortion and corruption of all that is natural and holy.
What DOES come from these people of the Wolf Woman that DOES resonate with and fit in with their Christian conditioning is warmth and generosity, an eagerness to engage in community. They are protective of each other. There is a strong sense of taking care of neighbors....who aren't too offensive anyways. There is that old timey "Norman Rockwell" vibe to this place, a measure of innocence and "the good old days". They own their crazy-take care of the marginalized amongst them, who aren't too offensive, anyways. There's industrialized corruption, defense of ecological destruction just because "it was my daddy who started that company"....the clinging to childhood idealization, making them self righteous in the face of obvious need to change for their own well-being. With change comes a change in finances possibly, a change in status, a destroying of their idealization of their family. In their black and white world, anything less than a portrayal of their lives as perfection is calling them evil. They can't be evil if god is on their side and so, they are "righteous" and will defend it with their life. A simple: "oops, didn't realize we were poisoning ourselves here, let's do something different" does not exist in a good vs evil perspective. The devotion to family, in it's self, is a virtue of Wolf Woman, the loyalty, the longevity, the protectiveness, the commitment and dedication.
The Wolf Woman is also present in the casual attitude toward the complying with the "machine". As long as it looks like their cooperating, they're going their own way and doing their own thing. There's a stronger inclination toward sovereignty here so far from overwhelmingly sized civilization. In the winter roads in and out are often closed, highways shut down. Winter lasts more of the year than any other season. Before internet and cell phones, they spent more time isolated and thus independent than a part of the rest of the country/civilization. That gives more time for wildness to get and keep a grip in them. That makes them, over all, a passionate and playful people slightly schizophrenic in the head. The seizures, migraines, etc are testament to it. They'll be possessed by the "salty" spirit one minute and honestly not remembering what they said or did the next. This leads them to be disorganized and "discombobulated". They may have jobs and status but hardly have "their acts together", but because having a job and status is the worldly definition of having one's act together.....they are more prone to look at me as needing help because I limit my job, haven't yet achieved status and live more simply. And yet, I'm always on time, if not early. I've always got my records when needed, I'm on top of things, organized and emotionally with "my shit together", available on the spot when crisis arises, not judgmental or overwhelmed, ready to laugh and quick to catch the crossing of a healthy boundary.
Of course, this sort of analysis triggers anger in people who deny their demons, romanticize their lives and not wanting to take responsibility for their own problems, leaving all that to blame on god and demons "his people" and "those people".
We'll see where Wolf Woman and me go in this valley. I'm in the process of shedding many things, finding my voice and the strength to use it. While I am doing this, Wolf Woman is learning from me and going to work on her people, her voices in this valley. Maybe their god as existing in me is even making headway in their conditioning, opening their minds to see the scriptures differently.
In the mean time, if where I would normally say the eating of food is supposed to be an act of making love with the Earth instead of dependency, you instead see me writing "It is the licking of the Earth's clit and her sucking the dick of your lips"...well, you know The Wolf Woman Of Livingston is painting a picture for your understanding with me......
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Time travel happens all the time
Time travel happens all the time. It takes no fancy scientific equipment or elitist training. Story tellers, actors, psychics, they do it all the time. The story tellers are conscious channels who bring spirits and souls from the past, an alternate present dimension or a future dimension to embody while telling. The best actors are conscious channels who embody a spirit we call a charector during their hours on set. Psychics call it "remote viewing". Begin to even think of where and when you want to know something from and I will be embodying the results already. I will already be there, seeing through the eyes of some one who is present in that time, at that event, and I can tell you exactly what they are seeing and feeling.
This is all normal. If we were part of a tribe in any culture just a few hundred years ago (if not native to one today), we would have been prepared for this as part of our "coming of age" training. You see, if you did not get a vision of your own, you were not a mature adult, equal part of the community/tribe. Walk-abouts, vision quests, red tents.....those who had no "super natural" experiences were the "freaks",unequal, incapable of being sovereign and contributing in taking the lead.
It is the experiencing of another time/space/dimension/ with our bodies still in the present that is normal. Scientifically it has been proven that observers effect that which they observe. So, the other time/space/dimensions are constantly churning with observation according to the consciousness of the story tellers, actors and psychics. The insanity is trying to bring a physical body into another time/space/dimension. It would be destroyed because it is not as fluid as our consciousness. It would constantly be morphing as a pile of goo, a caterpillar in it's cocoon, changed by every observation of the conscious story tellers, actors and psychics from every time/space/dimension.
The only thing abnormal about believing in time travel is believing it doesn't happen.
This is all normal. If we were part of a tribe in any culture just a few hundred years ago (if not native to one today), we would have been prepared for this as part of our "coming of age" training. You see, if you did not get a vision of your own, you were not a mature adult, equal part of the community/tribe. Walk-abouts, vision quests, red tents.....those who had no "super natural" experiences were the "freaks",unequal, incapable of being sovereign and contributing in taking the lead.
It is the experiencing of another time/space/dimension/ with our bodies still in the present that is normal. Scientifically it has been proven that observers effect that which they observe. So, the other time/space/dimensions are constantly churning with observation according to the consciousness of the story tellers, actors and psychics. The insanity is trying to bring a physical body into another time/space/dimension. It would be destroyed because it is not as fluid as our consciousness. It would constantly be morphing as a pile of goo, a caterpillar in it's cocoon, changed by every observation of the conscious story tellers, actors and psychics from every time/space/dimension.
The only thing abnormal about believing in time travel is believing it doesn't happen.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
They are the whole world to you
My wholeness is only a blip on his radar, something he wanted to be fully present for and until he could be, he had to tend to that which burned up his phone constantly, relentlessly.......he calls it his abuser but I now see it is his greatest lover..... and that is perfectly OK with me because it showed me what I need.
The following came across my fb news feed in August, 2015:
Lalit Arora with Sally Profota Scarborough and 2 others
2 hrs ·
Perfect explanation👏
Husband: I love you
Wife: I love you too, infact I love you so much I will fight the whole world for you
Husband: but you fight with me the most
Wife: because you are the whole world to me😳😂😂
add to that the concept that what we manifest in the outer world is reflection of our inner world. What we fight is that which is embodying our own inner "demons"...we are wrestling with ourselves when we are wrestling with someone else. They truly are your whole world. If your inner demons are your priority, then so is your own personal development. That's a good thing. They wouldn't have your attention if they weren't resonating....
I want to be "the whole world" of someone whose inner world I am embodying. The one they can't ignore. The one they always respond to immediately. I want to be the most provoking, blood rising thing they could be doing. And why shouldn't I be? I am present in all I do, un-distracted, fully devoted to engaging, knowing, understanding, appreciating. I do believe I am ready to have that mirror turned on me..
The following came across my fb news feed in August, 2015:
Lalit Arora with Sally Profota Scarborough and 2 others
2 hrs ·
Perfect explanation👏
Husband: I love you
Wife: I love you too, infact I love you so much I will fight the whole world for you
Husband: but you fight with me the most
Wife: because you are the whole world to me😳😂😂
add to that the concept that what we manifest in the outer world is reflection of our inner world. What we fight is that which is embodying our own inner "demons"...we are wrestling with ourselves when we are wrestling with someone else. They truly are your whole world. If your inner demons are your priority, then so is your own personal development. That's a good thing. They wouldn't have your attention if they weren't resonating....
I want to be "the whole world" of someone whose inner world I am embodying. The one they can't ignore. The one they always respond to immediately. I want to be the most provoking, blood rising thing they could be doing. And why shouldn't I be? I am present in all I do, un-distracted, fully devoted to engaging, knowing, understanding, appreciating. I do believe I am ready to have that mirror turned on me..
Too soon to be a priority?
The romantic realms have been difficult for me, simply because I know what feels natural, unefforted, smooth and sweet. This is met with the patriarchal governed way of relating, the rationalization of everything, the need to justify, to explain. The lack of unity, of oneness, of awareness of the inter-connectedness of all existence had no words to translate my way of being. "Justification" of it was missing. The only words anywhere near a description of a woman who recognized potential immediately were "whore" slut" and "easy".
Add to this my training in how to prevent one's self from being a victim of domestic violence, and I was further denied what came natural to me. The reasoning goes "If they want to move fast, have commitment too soon, they are dysfunctional and controlling, dependent, co-dependent, disabling". So, my confusion set in with boundaries and standards and testing that did not resonate with me.
So, one day a man expressed great interest in me. How profoundly deep my writings! He would drive as far as needed. Was I ready to at least have a phone conversation. OK. "Today?", I asked. "No". errrr O.K. So quite some time passed and he apologized for not getting back to me for some time because of such and such a thing. He wanted to meet. I said no. He had 'led me on' with expressing intent on being ready to meet, even if only over the phone and then dropped me like a hot potato. His reasoning was that people have to be more involved for great lengths of time in order to become a priority. It took me some time before I could translate how wrong this was and why it so did not resonate with me.
Turns out, if our own personal development is a priority, the attendance to that which it flourishes in should be a priority. Our commitment to those with whom we experience growth, is a commitment to our own self love and growth. We can only love the world as much as we love ourselves. We can only pour love into the world according to that much that is within us. We fill ourselves up greatly by giving ourselves the environment to do that in. If we neglect that environment, we deprive ourselves of it. hence, our commitments to others, even if we've just met, must be our highest priority, be treated with the utmost consideration if they are obviously someone who is clearly a part of a nourishing environment.
You wouldn't no-show a doctor's appointment, nor should you no-show a woman who feeds your spirit and soul's development.
Add to this my training in how to prevent one's self from being a victim of domestic violence, and I was further denied what came natural to me. The reasoning goes "If they want to move fast, have commitment too soon, they are dysfunctional and controlling, dependent, co-dependent, disabling". So, my confusion set in with boundaries and standards and testing that did not resonate with me.
So, one day a man expressed great interest in me. How profoundly deep my writings! He would drive as far as needed. Was I ready to at least have a phone conversation. OK. "Today?", I asked. "No". errrr O.K. So quite some time passed and he apologized for not getting back to me for some time because of such and such a thing. He wanted to meet. I said no. He had 'led me on' with expressing intent on being ready to meet, even if only over the phone and then dropped me like a hot potato. His reasoning was that people have to be more involved for great lengths of time in order to become a priority. It took me some time before I could translate how wrong this was and why it so did not resonate with me.
Turns out, if our own personal development is a priority, the attendance to that which it flourishes in should be a priority. Our commitment to those with whom we experience growth, is a commitment to our own self love and growth. We can only love the world as much as we love ourselves. We can only pour love into the world according to that much that is within us. We fill ourselves up greatly by giving ourselves the environment to do that in. If we neglect that environment, we deprive ourselves of it. hence, our commitments to others, even if we've just met, must be our highest priority, be treated with the utmost consideration if they are obviously someone who is clearly a part of a nourishing environment.
You wouldn't no-show a doctor's appointment, nor should you no-show a woman who feeds your spirit and soul's development.
So they could not love you like you wanted them to
When we go back far enough in human language, it has been discovered, there is a time when there existed in any language no word for the color blue. The human eye-brain system was simply color blind to it.
Again; I was once exposed to the story of how indigenous people on a beach were baffled by waves they were seeing on the ocean. What could be causing such an unusual wave formation? They brought their shaman to get an answer. In the sand, the shaman drew a picture of a European ship. Only then did they see the boat causing the waves, which were it's wake.
So it can be with the love we embody. When I say "I love you", I mean that I am delighted with your characteristics. What the one receiving may be hearing is "I need you to become dependent upon me and for you to allow me to be dependent upon you". They are hearing they must live up to conditions that they have come to understand would make them the receiver of love in a relationship. They cannot conceive of a devout, passionate love existing as is being emanated to include them and capable of walking away, leaving them as a flower unpicked, allowed to grow where planted. Some would go as far as believe because we did not try to pick it, put it in a vase, control, manipulate, reform, prune and sheer it that we did not share love at all. Treat some people with deep respect and they think you're mocking them.
So, keep growing and don't fret over those who "don't get it"...those who do know how to receive our love, who are capable of perceiving it's depths and appreciating it's presence in their own experience, are growing in number every day...get hung up on them
Inspired by the following fb meme.... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1212113158903606&set=p.1212113158903606&type=3&theater
;)
Again; I was once exposed to the story of how indigenous people on a beach were baffled by waves they were seeing on the ocean. What could be causing such an unusual wave formation? They brought their shaman to get an answer. In the sand, the shaman drew a picture of a European ship. Only then did they see the boat causing the waves, which were it's wake.
So it can be with the love we embody. When I say "I love you", I mean that I am delighted with your characteristics. What the one receiving may be hearing is "I need you to become dependent upon me and for you to allow me to be dependent upon you". They are hearing they must live up to conditions that they have come to understand would make them the receiver of love in a relationship. They cannot conceive of a devout, passionate love existing as is being emanated to include them and capable of walking away, leaving them as a flower unpicked, allowed to grow where planted. Some would go as far as believe because we did not try to pick it, put it in a vase, control, manipulate, reform, prune and sheer it that we did not share love at all. Treat some people with deep respect and they think you're mocking them.
So, keep growing and don't fret over those who "don't get it"...those who do know how to receive our love, who are capable of perceiving it's depths and appreciating it's presence in their own experience, are growing in number every day...get hung up on them
Inspired by the following fb meme.... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1212113158903606&set=p.1212113158903606&type=3&theater;)
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Expand and contract as a nation; could be prettier...
It has been given to me to reflect:
cycles..nature, expansion, contraction. In the cold of winter nature goes underground to process what it has taken in. In the brutal too much heat of summers, the same thing happens. Women do it monthly. Wouldn't it be awesome if we had leaders who could openly say "time to contract" instead of "we need to build walls and send people back!"...leaders of a population that would heed the natural call...
humanity has been expanding into each other's cultures to the point that every western community has in it at least one person who is an expert in renewable, self-sufficient energy, at least one person on making the most of planting and cultivating, and one spiritually expanded to take the population out of the dark ages......wouldn't it be nice if racist, rapist rantings and fear mongering did not have to be the motivation to get us to retract, process, cultivate and be born again as a country?
cycles..nature, expansion, contraction. In the cold of winter nature goes underground to process what it has taken in. In the brutal too much heat of summers, the same thing happens. Women do it monthly. Wouldn't it be awesome if we had leaders who could openly say "time to contract" instead of "we need to build walls and send people back!"...leaders of a population that would heed the natural call...
humanity has been expanding into each other's cultures to the point that every western community has in it at least one person who is an expert in renewable, self-sufficient energy, at least one person on making the most of planting and cultivating, and one spiritually expanded to take the population out of the dark ages......wouldn't it be nice if racist, rapist rantings and fear mongering did not have to be the motivation to get us to retract, process, cultivate and be born again as a country?
Discovered my backbone......
I love my salty friends! They say just the right thing at just the right time without even knowing what is going on....
my friend sends me this meme. I told her it was timely because some people got pissed at me last night. So, she responds with "Glad to see you finally living up to your full potential!"
When I got done laughing at that I realized, wow, she's right. I have spent my whole life terrified of making people angry at me, not liking me, stop talking to me, talking bad about me.......terrified of confrontation. last night I did not cringe a bit. I had no doubts about my choices. I know who I am, I know exactly what I did. I do not regret or feel ashamed of it and know I have no reason to. Last night showed me who I have become, a potential that had been living inside me waiting to burst forth in all it's fearless, shameless, knowing glory. I truly am not playing small anymore and I am proud to have had that shown to me. I am strong and I am beautiful in my actions and choices. So, I am grateful last night happened in a way that is not smarmy or resentful. I'd rather we were still friends and I'm totally open to a "hey lady" coming my way, but I do not feel alone or afraid as I would have previous days. I know everything is and will continue to be O.K., if not continuing to get better every day. my future is not dependent upon these people because if they're vacating it only leaves room for other brave, bold, fearless, shameless people to find their way into my experience. I love them, I love you and I am going to go on doing what I do even more aware now of how much all the personal work is worth. I have self worth finally!
Stacey grew a backbone!
https://www.facebook.com/newsnercom/photos/a.407512346082749.1073741828.364861850347799/574571169376865/?type=3
my friend sends me this meme. I told her it was timely because some people got pissed at me last night. So, she responds with "Glad to see you finally living up to your full potential!"
When I got done laughing at that I realized, wow, she's right. I have spent my whole life terrified of making people angry at me, not liking me, stop talking to me, talking bad about me.......terrified of confrontation. last night I did not cringe a bit. I had no doubts about my choices. I know who I am, I know exactly what I did. I do not regret or feel ashamed of it and know I have no reason to. Last night showed me who I have become, a potential that had been living inside me waiting to burst forth in all it's fearless, shameless, knowing glory. I truly am not playing small anymore and I am proud to have had that shown to me. I am strong and I am beautiful in my actions and choices. So, I am grateful last night happened in a way that is not smarmy or resentful. I'd rather we were still friends and I'm totally open to a "hey lady" coming my way, but I do not feel alone or afraid as I would have previous days. I know everything is and will continue to be O.K., if not continuing to get better every day. my future is not dependent upon these people because if they're vacating it only leaves room for other brave, bold, fearless, shameless people to find their way into my experience. I love them, I love you and I am going to go on doing what I do even more aware now of how much all the personal work is worth. I have self worth finally!
Stacey grew a backbone!
https://www.facebook.com/newsnercom/photos/a.407512346082749.1073741828.364861850347799/574571169376865/?type=3
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Dancing the spiral through social stuff
Message to self today:
Live life slowly
to feel every feeling, good or bad
neither will hurt me....
and then choose where to focus
to bring in the more good feelings.
We have all the time in the world
we are eternal
So yes,live life slowly
Let the manifestations come quickly.
Synchronistically........
Needed this reminder of the goal I made here.
Why such a goal? Why such open, raw authenticity?
Because I discovered something: it is true we create our reality. The world around us, the Universe as a whole, it takes it's cues from us....how we are responding to what rises from within us. I discovered it becomes, kinder, softer, more generous the more loving and accepting we are of our own aspects. If we resist ourselves, the world around us becomes tight-fisted. The more honestly we flow, the more fluid our manifestations, the easier things come to us physically.
And I needed this reminder today as I really just wanted to spend the next two days in bed coddling my inner kingdom as the energetic spiral brings me back to all those moments where I learned control in reference to social interactions. The time the elder teaching me to be a minister told me "Stacey, you don't have to tell everyone everything". Discretion: an attempt to control the world around us, who knows what about us.Even if it's because "they can't handle it", knowing something. How will they ever learn to handle it if they are never exposed to it? Can we not trust we are given to share what we are a given to share when it is given to us to share for a damn good reason. No, not all of us can follow the energy to see where it is going, exposing the reason. That does not mean we cannot trust it. Maybe the greatest gift we can give people is the opportunity to "get over it". It'd make them a whole lot more mature, emotionally and easier to be with.
Another reason for controlling what someone might know about me: People can hurt us with what they know about us, use it against us. Why would anyone want to hurt me? I would think. The only naive thing about that is that we just didn't know people who have been hurt hurt other people. So,we learn that and we understand it's not about us then. We haven't done anything that needs hiding, to be ashamed of, given anyone reason not to embrace us. It's their arms that are crippled,not ours when we are open and honest with everyone.
Then there's the mourning and sense of loss of the 'naive' little one we shut down along the road. The one who never wanted to hurt anyone, who was so open and honest.
Yet, when we are young, we do hurt one another immensely because we are so judgmental.Even if our mind does not say so, we are still aware of our sense of divine origins, that our perspective is divinely given. The great variety of perspectives we're exposed to is so overwhelming, we feel a need to cling to and assert ours passionately, desperately and seek to make black and white distinctions to simplify things. When we are young and fresh, other perspectives are legitimately a threat to us simply because we have not mastered embodying our own completely and that cannot even happen until we've gone through our stages of development. We haven't completed our spiral. We haven't worked in our teen aspect, then our parent aspect and then our sage aspect.....and so we are so fragile at times and in places. We don't have the capacity to realize our judgmental defense mechanism does hurt other people. I always think of the two year old biting phase: a child bites while not even being able to fathom their bite is causing pain while they themselves are experiencing the pain of being bitten by another two year old. We just don't get it. And so when the world hurts us back for a hurt we can't comprehend we have caused it...well, we begin to fear the world, see it as some unreasoning evil. It isn't. It never was. It was simply just like us. It's only when we begin to take down the walls and blinders, begin to feel safe in it that we are able to see this. And those are the sages that are able to laugh at it and be unconcerned with what they see happening around them. I'm becoming one of those sages. Walking through feelings of guilt for not being miserable, caught up in the dramatic happenings of the world that arrive in this section of my inner spiral. Love the one that feels guilty because they fear they are not being empathetic, compassionate, might be behaving as if one is "better than" everyone around them. Dancing the whirlwind of emotion, knowing it must come, we must walk back through it, going the way we have come.as it lays it's self down before us again and again until it ceases to exist for us. Knowing, all of it cannot be avoided. We could not have lived a life any different. We begin life small and grow up, the growing stages and pains must happen. Through it all we cannot even hear the sages, blinded by the necessary to us blindness of judgement. They can only plant the seeds that will one day take root in us when our stage of development is entered where our brains and consciousness are capable of opening up to it. The sages know this and so forgiveness is never an option-for it was never a necessity to begin with. We just want to get on with the loving and embracing, the seeing and being seen, the art of accepting and appreciating the beauty that is each and every one of us.
And I can't just stay in bed to get this done.....my heater is on the fritz and the property manager has to come, lol I got myself out of bed with "This is your day. It wants to see you and you to see it".
Live life slowly
to feel every feeling, good or bad
neither will hurt me....
and then choose where to focus
to bring in the more good feelings.
We have all the time in the world
we are eternal
So yes,live life slowly
Let the manifestations come quickly.
Synchronistically........
Needed this reminder of the goal I made here.
Why such a goal? Why such open, raw authenticity?
Because I discovered something: it is true we create our reality. The world around us, the Universe as a whole, it takes it's cues from us....how we are responding to what rises from within us. I discovered it becomes, kinder, softer, more generous the more loving and accepting we are of our own aspects. If we resist ourselves, the world around us becomes tight-fisted. The more honestly we flow, the more fluid our manifestations, the easier things come to us physically.
And I needed this reminder today as I really just wanted to spend the next two days in bed coddling my inner kingdom as the energetic spiral brings me back to all those moments where I learned control in reference to social interactions. The time the elder teaching me to be a minister told me "Stacey, you don't have to tell everyone everything". Discretion: an attempt to control the world around us, who knows what about us.Even if it's because "they can't handle it", knowing something. How will they ever learn to handle it if they are never exposed to it? Can we not trust we are given to share what we are a given to share when it is given to us to share for a damn good reason. No, not all of us can follow the energy to see where it is going, exposing the reason. That does not mean we cannot trust it. Maybe the greatest gift we can give people is the opportunity to "get over it". It'd make them a whole lot more mature, emotionally and easier to be with.
Another reason for controlling what someone might know about me: People can hurt us with what they know about us, use it against us. Why would anyone want to hurt me? I would think. The only naive thing about that is that we just didn't know people who have been hurt hurt other people. So,we learn that and we understand it's not about us then. We haven't done anything that needs hiding, to be ashamed of, given anyone reason not to embrace us. It's their arms that are crippled,not ours when we are open and honest with everyone.
Then there's the mourning and sense of loss of the 'naive' little one we shut down along the road. The one who never wanted to hurt anyone, who was so open and honest.
Yet, when we are young, we do hurt one another immensely because we are so judgmental.Even if our mind does not say so, we are still aware of our sense of divine origins, that our perspective is divinely given. The great variety of perspectives we're exposed to is so overwhelming, we feel a need to cling to and assert ours passionately, desperately and seek to make black and white distinctions to simplify things. When we are young and fresh, other perspectives are legitimately a threat to us simply because we have not mastered embodying our own completely and that cannot even happen until we've gone through our stages of development. We haven't completed our spiral. We haven't worked in our teen aspect, then our parent aspect and then our sage aspect.....and so we are so fragile at times and in places. We don't have the capacity to realize our judgmental defense mechanism does hurt other people. I always think of the two year old biting phase: a child bites while not even being able to fathom their bite is causing pain while they themselves are experiencing the pain of being bitten by another two year old. We just don't get it. And so when the world hurts us back for a hurt we can't comprehend we have caused it...well, we begin to fear the world, see it as some unreasoning evil. It isn't. It never was. It was simply just like us. It's only when we begin to take down the walls and blinders, begin to feel safe in it that we are able to see this. And those are the sages that are able to laugh at it and be unconcerned with what they see happening around them. I'm becoming one of those sages. Walking through feelings of guilt for not being miserable, caught up in the dramatic happenings of the world that arrive in this section of my inner spiral. Love the one that feels guilty because they fear they are not being empathetic, compassionate, might be behaving as if one is "better than" everyone around them. Dancing the whirlwind of emotion, knowing it must come, we must walk back through it, going the way we have come.as it lays it's self down before us again and again until it ceases to exist for us. Knowing, all of it cannot be avoided. We could not have lived a life any different. We begin life small and grow up, the growing stages and pains must happen. Through it all we cannot even hear the sages, blinded by the necessary to us blindness of judgement. They can only plant the seeds that will one day take root in us when our stage of development is entered where our brains and consciousness are capable of opening up to it. The sages know this and so forgiveness is never an option-for it was never a necessity to begin with. We just want to get on with the loving and embracing, the seeing and being seen, the art of accepting and appreciating the beauty that is each and every one of us.
And I can't just stay in bed to get this done.....my heater is on the fritz and the property manager has to come, lol I got myself out of bed with "This is your day. It wants to see you and you to see it".
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
I deserve to be brought flowers.....
I deserve to be brought flowers, not have things taken. Cherished, appreciated.
I'm in mourning today (and however long it needs to last).
With the seal going out that signifies agreement to not allow the "unprepared darkness" to strike out at the love I show it; at me emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially, everything associated with that old pattern must go with it. What drove me to need a car, resources, the means to get out of situations? Protection from "burning times", to be able to flee when struggles within others were projected at me instead. Synchronistically I just listened to Matt Kahn's last month's offering and he mentions this topic exactly. So, maybe my present limitations are so I can build trust in the effectiveness of this agreement as well as pushing me out of isolation. Maybe resources can be brought in so that I might be a part of giving space for that "darkness" to fight it's self out so it is not doing things to people like me it would have to come to regret. I pray that space be given.
I shocked myself when someone called me a dork or some such thing and all I was given to say was "thank you". I had reached the point where I could accept and forgive and understand people were only projecting their own hurt on me or that they were being used to draw something out of me, but thank those who hurt me? I hadn't gotten there yet. And I was allowing that about me. Now I find myself finally saying "thank you" sincerely for awakening me to certain things....though when I come down from the "high" of initial liberation, I might get angry about it. And I allow it. A moment of gratitude is an increase from none of it!
I was given a gift recently. I used to visit nightly with someone and enjoyed his company immensely. Then I found out he had a girlfriend who he absolutely could not have know about me. I wanted no part of that betrayal and so I told him that. He wasn't expecting me to find out about her and so my knowing triggered him into blocking me out permanently. He expected me to expose him to her and his life experience taught him nothing different. Many moons later he sent a friend request. He finally allowed it in to realize I hadn't done what he expected. I did not ruin his life or relationship in retaliation, out of spite or any sense of "righteousness". In doing so, he was trusting me in a way he had been taught and conditioned to never trust anybody. That is a gift and precious to me. So, I approved the request instead of letting my own hurt refuse it. I am being entrusted with something precious and allow myself to receive it.
I realize that is my gift/super power over the past few years. I do not respond like people expect. My responses are things they have never before seen, do not expect and this opens them up to more possibilities.
And all this grieving has to happen to allow me to embody and do more of that. So, I accept I might be crying for days on end.
I'm in mourning today (and however long it needs to last).
With the seal going out that signifies agreement to not allow the "unprepared darkness" to strike out at the love I show it; at me emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially, everything associated with that old pattern must go with it. What drove me to need a car, resources, the means to get out of situations? Protection from "burning times", to be able to flee when struggles within others were projected at me instead. Synchronistically I just listened to Matt Kahn's last month's offering and he mentions this topic exactly. So, maybe my present limitations are so I can build trust in the effectiveness of this agreement as well as pushing me out of isolation. Maybe resources can be brought in so that I might be a part of giving space for that "darkness" to fight it's self out so it is not doing things to people like me it would have to come to regret. I pray that space be given.
I shocked myself when someone called me a dork or some such thing and all I was given to say was "thank you". I had reached the point where I could accept and forgive and understand people were only projecting their own hurt on me or that they were being used to draw something out of me, but thank those who hurt me? I hadn't gotten there yet. And I was allowing that about me. Now I find myself finally saying "thank you" sincerely for awakening me to certain things....though when I come down from the "high" of initial liberation, I might get angry about it. And I allow it. A moment of gratitude is an increase from none of it!
I was given a gift recently. I used to visit nightly with someone and enjoyed his company immensely. Then I found out he had a girlfriend who he absolutely could not have know about me. I wanted no part of that betrayal and so I told him that. He wasn't expecting me to find out about her and so my knowing triggered him into blocking me out permanently. He expected me to expose him to her and his life experience taught him nothing different. Many moons later he sent a friend request. He finally allowed it in to realize I hadn't done what he expected. I did not ruin his life or relationship in retaliation, out of spite or any sense of "righteousness". In doing so, he was trusting me in a way he had been taught and conditioned to never trust anybody. That is a gift and precious to me. So, I approved the request instead of letting my own hurt refuse it. I am being entrusted with something precious and allow myself to receive it.
I realize that is my gift/super power over the past few years. I do not respond like people expect. My responses are things they have never before seen, do not expect and this opens them up to more possibilities.
And all this grieving has to happen to allow me to embody and do more of that. So, I accept I might be crying for days on end.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
When the deepest, darkest is a child harmless...
Now that I am out of it, I can see just how reasonable it is. The inner child, such a wee little beauty. I spent most of my life anti-twin flame, soul mate, prince charming...complete disbelief (if you asked me and I answered honestly). Turns out it was over-compensation for a deep desire which believed. When I was a child I would dream of a little boy who would be at all our "family" gatherings. As a teen, he was a crush in those spaces and as an adult, the lover/oppressor. For one who grew up feeling alone, the idea of this constant companion was a treasured thing. In the waking world, he was not present and this created a yearning...a desire for this significant other. Turns out, now that I've read "Women Who Run With The Wolves", that this male figure is the archetypal conveyor in us from our deepest intuitive knowledge to our conscious, waking mind. With the absence of a compatriot in my outer reality, coupled with feelings of being unworthy, I resented the desire, made it an enemy. Hence; disbelief of my own belief. My own worst romantic relationship enemy;) So, I danced with this today and could let go of this romantic idea of a destined significant other truly. I believe we are capable of creating these things and bringing them into our waking/physical reality, but it is no longer a matter of doctrine, something I feel forced upon me if I don't believe, a necessity which I'm fighting against due to feelings of being unworthy. I know now, for a fact, that if this is what I want to dream up, it is an absolute possibility.
(Adding: the idea of a man coming to save us and/or as teacher is also possibly a similar result of this conveyor of 'rescuing'answers being brought up from the primal depths by male representative).
The second clearing was more childhood determined "unworthy". Oh, we sooo love other people when we are little. For those of a greater sense of being called for, for being the answer to prayers (hey, your pray for a sense of peace or security and feel incapable of feeling it on your own, someone embodying it arrives on the scene.....), of having a greater purpose....we may adopt feelings of inadequacy as children when we appear to fail. "You don't recognize me, you don't listen to me", the child inwardly whispers desperately.....so dedicated and demanding of fulfilling our mission, which is not recognized, we feel we are an inconvenience. So, we think ourselves a failure and therefore, unworthy. knowing ourselves as a gift, we feel we become the gift which has been rejected.
For me, this has been manifesting outwardly . I've been told I can count on people. Yet, when I most require the assistance, they're unavailable or so very slow about coming. (My mother was a complete, violent narcissist and one of her methods of controlling and provoking others was being late for everything). So, these were subconsciously my expectations and self-judgement of things: I was an inconvenience anyways and desperately attached to others receiving the gift of time with me..they were depriving themselves of my presence...the very gift they had requested/needed.
Be good to me.
So, when everyone is late or says they will come but don't, I would enter into intense anxiety, self-loathing, etc. Now that I know where it comes from, from where it arrived and now that I know I am truly worthy of being recognized and attended and respected time-wise.....I know my moments/time are precious and those who don't see it as a gift...their problem. I see time with any and everyone a gift, for in interacting my "highest"/most pure self manifests for embodiment.......and "lord knows" I love it! It is perfect bliss! So delicious!
Manifestation of this change in deep darkness's perception came immediate: two rides manifested as well as all sorts of male attention....and when I was hit with...again..."counseling?" my reply was so confident, it was met with "You are so intelligent. You are a very powerful woman." and "You have gorgeous hair", heehee Why, yes I am and yes, I do!
(Adding: the idea of a man coming to save us and/or as teacher is also possibly a similar result of this conveyor of 'rescuing'answers being brought up from the primal depths by male representative).
The second clearing was more childhood determined "unworthy". Oh, we sooo love other people when we are little. For those of a greater sense of being called for, for being the answer to prayers (hey, your pray for a sense of peace or security and feel incapable of feeling it on your own, someone embodying it arrives on the scene.....), of having a greater purpose....we may adopt feelings of inadequacy as children when we appear to fail. "You don't recognize me, you don't listen to me", the child inwardly whispers desperately.....so dedicated and demanding of fulfilling our mission, which is not recognized, we feel we are an inconvenience. So, we think ourselves a failure and therefore, unworthy. knowing ourselves as a gift, we feel we become the gift which has been rejected.
For me, this has been manifesting outwardly . I've been told I can count on people. Yet, when I most require the assistance, they're unavailable or so very slow about coming. (My mother was a complete, violent narcissist and one of her methods of controlling and provoking others was being late for everything). So, these were subconsciously my expectations and self-judgement of things: I was an inconvenience anyways and desperately attached to others receiving the gift of time with me..they were depriving themselves of my presence...the very gift they had requested/needed.
Be good to me.
So, when everyone is late or says they will come but don't, I would enter into intense anxiety, self-loathing, etc. Now that I know where it comes from, from where it arrived and now that I know I am truly worthy of being recognized and attended and respected time-wise.....I know my moments/time are precious and those who don't see it as a gift...their problem. I see time with any and everyone a gift, for in interacting my "highest"/most pure self manifests for embodiment.......and "lord knows" I love it! It is perfect bliss! So delicious!
Manifestation of this change in deep darkness's perception came immediate: two rides manifested as well as all sorts of male attention....and when I was hit with...again..."counseling?" my reply was so confident, it was met with "You are so intelligent. You are a very powerful woman." and "You have gorgeous hair", heehee Why, yes I am and yes, I do!
Embodying the trickster for my own benefit..worked for me!
I came from a place where affirmations simply would not work for me. The resistance to anything closely resembling self respect was just too strong. Self talk was a self depreciating loop of childhood received accusations, creating impossibilities of anything positive coming out of me. So, instead of trying to force myself to speak positively about me, things I "could never believe", I found a way to bring beautiful words closer to my soul that did not threaten my low self image. My low self image was my safety and security because so long as I believed I was every sort of evil intent, I fit in, had a place, was accepted as such by my surroundings. To resemble anything positive or of value, was to receive beatings on every level to "put me in my place"....I had a place and that was something.
So, what I did was get some construction paper in blue and green, soothing to me. I covered them in plastic and used them to cover my bathroom mirror. I used permanent marker to write words that described things that gave me good feeling sensations. If I saw something while out walking or shopping that I would describe as beautiful, I wrote beautiful on there. If I saw something elegant, I wrote that on there. Soon, those pages were covered with awesome feeling words: delightful, exotic, graceful, sexy, luscious, delicious, ecstatic. Instead of critiquing myself as I brushed my teeth or washed my hands or dried off from a shower, I was experiencing these words and these feelings.I felt when I saw these things. I spent my days feeling oh, so much better!.And while we are not supposed to be dependent upon other people's opinions of us to know our self worth, it was responses from other people that allowed me to begin to see myself differently and seeing was believing......others saw and expressed to me my radiance, my sexy, my warmth, my happy, my free...and now "affirmations" are no longer necessary because my self talk is naturally affirming........and in finding a way to arrive in this place of greater confidence and all around well-being with delicious, delightful, decadent, streams intertwining....I can accept the pointing out by others that I am resourceful and ingenious;)
So, what I did was get some construction paper in blue and green, soothing to me. I covered them in plastic and used them to cover my bathroom mirror. I used permanent marker to write words that described things that gave me good feeling sensations. If I saw something while out walking or shopping that I would describe as beautiful, I wrote beautiful on there. If I saw something elegant, I wrote that on there. Soon, those pages were covered with awesome feeling words: delightful, exotic, graceful, sexy, luscious, delicious, ecstatic. Instead of critiquing myself as I brushed my teeth or washed my hands or dried off from a shower, I was experiencing these words and these feelings.I felt when I saw these things. I spent my days feeling oh, so much better!.And while we are not supposed to be dependent upon other people's opinions of us to know our self worth, it was responses from other people that allowed me to begin to see myself differently and seeing was believing......others saw and expressed to me my radiance, my sexy, my warmth, my happy, my free...and now "affirmations" are no longer necessary because my self talk is naturally affirming........and in finding a way to arrive in this place of greater confidence and all around well-being with delicious, delightful, decadent, streams intertwining....I can accept the pointing out by others that I am resourceful and ingenious
;)
Sends the dragon soaring....what a greater infusion of love and happiness is prone to do
Synchronistically....
I stand as if arms wide open
Soft tears of consented to pain
streaming down my face.
So much pure love
I've embodied the past few days
it's catching up with me...
I turn it it in on me
like a whirlwind
it becomes all consuming flames..
more barriers and places
long unseen from me
being penetrated and triggered
brought back to life in me
rising up to meet this fire
so tender
I whimper
as I invite it all back inward to destroy me
I am breaking.....
all the while sensing...
my strength,
the dragon
flowing steady
through every fiber of my being
holding me strongly
steadily present and securing
flying as one with me
I stand as if arms wide open
Soft tears of consented to pain
streaming down my face.
So much pure love
I've embodied the past few days
it's catching up with me...
I turn it it in on me
like a whirlwind
it becomes all consuming flames..
more barriers and places
long unseen from me
being penetrated and triggered
brought back to life in me
rising up to meet this fire
so tender
I whimper
as I invite it all back inward to destroy me
I am breaking.....
all the while sensing...
my strength,
the dragon
flowing steady
through every fiber of my being
holding me strongly
steadily present and securing
flying as one with me
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Shattered Glass;Welcome 2017!
Mmmmm...came the news; "Mom, a glass broke!". Indeed it did. New dish strainer, glass placed and boing! oh, oh, not conditioned and so not holding....a waft of smell.....so I do my dishes and vacuum the shards,,,oh, but whiff of his cologne on me! And I imagine that which has already transpired...the mmmmm and eeeek and breathless...oh, but I do smell his cologne on me...hmmmmmmm....breathing and yet each inhale is tainted by his smell.....
*warm chuckle*......So I vacuum up shards and feel the stickiness between my legs...... another sensual reminder of how I rung in the new year...oh, 2017, if you match your beginning! And the friend I dreaded breaking it to the most ended the conversation with something like 'No, don't shower, keep enjoying smelling that smell'......fears and silences and all sorts of things shattered with that glass on New Year's Eve.
*warm chuckle*......So I vacuum up shards and feel the stickiness between my legs...... another sensual reminder of how I rung in the new year...oh, 2017, if you match your beginning! And the friend I dreaded breaking it to the most ended the conversation with something like 'No, don't shower, keep enjoying smelling that smell'......fears and silences and all sorts of things shattered with that glass on New Year's Eve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)