Emotional honesty and wanton kittens

       We all want that blissful, joyful life of abundance. We're told we get it by focusing on the positive, the positive feelings, the things that make our hearts sing. We're told we do it by governing our thoughts, making ourselves think positive things, thinking about things that make our hearts sing. It's all true. The thing of it is this: as we 'raise our vibration' nothing of 'lower vibration' can exist in the same space. So, if we've led a negative, emotionally dishonest and/or repressed life, all that has got to come up. The mind cannot process it for us. The mind must be trained/disciplined to let the 'digestive system' digest the inner things we call emotions and feelings.  Feelings and emotions are of a higher vibration than thoughts could ever be. As a matter of fact, thoughts get their 'power', their energetic charge from the emotions and feelings they meet. Emotional honesty is vital in this process of consciously creating our experience. Not the emotions of the 'adults' we've created but of the divine 'child' within at the core of our being.
   One habit I must stop should I want myself to succeed is to stop referring to emotions and aspects of being as "ridiculous". I may say it in my mind with soft acceptance, but it is still an expression of lack of appreciation and reluctance for what I am experiencing.
  This comes up now as many plans and expectations are being frustrated. They are being frustrated for a reason. That reason is to draw all of this out of me, to bring it forth from deep within, clear everything out of the pathways that had been hindering it ('adult' emotions) and letting the divine core of my being shine forth as the radiance it was meant to be. Everything has gone to shit and a part of me is divinely happy with it. I get it and that gives me an 'advantage', so to speak. No more groping around in the dark seeking some sort of working out of a plan to haul me up out of it and suddenly those dark places really aren't even dark. No fleeing for higher 'vibrational' spaces of detached light, we're hanging down here in the 'grey' right with them.
  We (or at least I ) have known only to be referred to as "emotional messes". Well, it is given to occur to me that my emotions are not at all 'messy'. They're in perfect order. Frustration is angry and/or crying, unprojected, simply in me. Neat as pin. Sadness at loss; crying within me, unprojected, perfectly aligned within. Hurt: same thing. Emotional messes are those of us(and even me when....) we choose the 'adult' emotional response instead of divine emotional honesty. For example: we choose righteous anger/indignation instead of admitting hurt, dissapointment or sadness of any kind. We may choose to govern our thoughts to trigger "higher" emotions to escape vulnerability we may feel in sadness and frustration, in hope, in love, in life.  The transition to living life consciously is like learning to ride a bike. We may not have it all coordinated during our first attempts. Sadness, insecurity, frustration......all these things may come with it.  We can only just let ourselves feel it. 'There it is, hello you, welcome to the party, let's get to crying because we know in the end, there is nothing we cannot do'. We've got this so we distance ourselves from "this" for a moment while we do our crying. Let go of the 'good' potentials you KNOW are coming. We have the luxury of time and space to do it, so let's get 'er done!
  As I do this process I begin to be given to notice certain things. My son, especially. I keep telling him his sister is not a squeaky toy. He spends days provoking his sister to squeal, cry, screech and scream. He doesn't want to express his own frustration, anger, fear, etc so he seeks to provoke it out of his sister. I've had alot of men in my life do that with me. I'm seeing a theme. So, I told him "stop provoking it out of your sister and feel your own feelings". Holy crap, it was dead-on and worked. His sister picked up on it quickly and is handing his emotions right back to him on a silver platter. More of us women could learn how to do this: "That's your shit, not mine, I'm handing it back, man".  Because we women are expected to be "emotionally weak" (which is really our strength, our permission to show emotion because we cry 'like girls' ) the emotional burden of humanity has been hefted upon our being. Men have been using women as emotional dumping grounds for ages. Pull out the bulldozers, girls, we're returning the burden. Men can be men about the whole thing and do their own crying and screeching and 'scene making'.
  Keeping in mind it is our most immature aspects that became physical (heart and mind, etc.) and they are that which has been ruling over our experiences, that which we call the divine 'child' within is actually the most mature aspect. So, I'm feeling about for a new way to reference it.....my inner goddess maybe. Yet that might summon association with the 'adult' aspects we created from the immaturity we bring. Even the immature 'adult' aspects are divine source, so to call it my inner divine would be a misnomer. Why separate them if we're bringing it all into expansion and alignment. Not much difference, if any will be evident between them. So there you have it. There is only "me". lol, we're back to that, are we? I've taken to saying "I AM with ME": my "I AM" presence joined to my "There is only me" presence, becoming one being.
  Amidst all this, comes a conversation with my son and I am given to realize: there is no problem. There is no such thing. There is only a not working out the way we believe we want so we meet and express our repressed and 'hidden' aspects. Energy comes in waves of light and dark so both aspects are addressed and get what they are drawing. Bring forth the darkness and the dark/negative flip side of the energy waves cease to exist because it's all 'grey'. The pendulum has stopped swinging, the spiral has shrunken and we have become a stable and steady light amongst mankind.
  The highly empathic nature of being human feels it needs addressing. We feel other people's spirits and emotions and ways of thinking. They cannot exist long in us if we are emotionally 'clean', be present with every emotion as it rises so there is "backlog". If it doesn't originate within our human expression, it goes right back to them all squeaky clean. There is resistance to this, I mean how much emotion is one human expression supposed to channel?! It would not be given if it couldn't be handled. Still no excuse for others to provoke in, project at and dump emotions on others. Do your own work, man! I do choose to address a sense of victimization in association with the idea of being a channel for/cleanser of other people's spirits and emotions. Just sitting with it, loving and accepting it's existence and we'll see where it goes.
  Oh, yeah, the wanton kitten part, lol. I remember on one occasion I was given to dance 'seductively' for a man. As I did I spoke to myself within; "How could I ever respect a man who responded to/bought into this?!". I did respect him, it turned out. We have an inherent respect for all things even if we don't act like it or feel like we do. We're just too busy resisting it to realize it fully. Now I know why it felt like I was 'not being me'. We begin life as children with no real sexual interests/drives what so ever. By the time we hit puberty, we have been ingrained with cultural,familial, society's "moralities". So, suddenly our reproductive/sexual aspects awaken and they feel like strangers have come to live in us. Not only strangers, but "bad ones" that want to play 'wanton' games of seduction, be exhibitionists. "That can't be ME" we think. "It does not feel like me or want to act like me, it wants to be everything 'immoral' and out side of marriage!". So we repress it or deny it or feel guilty for it and a whole mess of things.  It'd be nice if young people were told aspects of them will be awakened and added to their experience when their sex organs begin to wake up/come into maturity. It would be nice if it was presented as normal and healthy, exciting and worthy of celebration. There's a wanton kitten inside each human and it is safe for it to play. There would then be healthy, inborn knowledge of and awareness of healthy boundaries that come with it, I'm certain. Truly 'inappropriate'   only comes when aspects become exaggerated with repression or desperate assertion.
  So, me and my 'neat as a pin' sacred emotions and holy wanton kitten are venturing forth to learn how to ride the bike of life.........should be entertaining and interesting as well as fun and exciting. I feel like a kid again without the uncertainty and insecurity that used to come with it. i no longer feel "small". That was another thing I noticed. I used to , when I curled up to go to sleep, make myself "small", to shrink into something 'non-threatening' nor drawing attention so I could sleep in safety (that was the idea originally, I believe). The idea of going to sleep as the 'giant' I am was foreign. So, I am also playing with that.
   

Re-embodying the disembodied= return of the Goddess: of being male and the masculine

  The other day at the end of one of these blog posts it was given to hit me "from out of the blue" a single statement: "Males are disembodied aspects". Clarification begins to come with an expansion upon that: "Male=disembodied, masculine=projected".
  It all makes sense upon reflection. We all begin life as female. At some point during gestation some of us project our reproductive organs out making the vagina a penis and ovaries the scrotum. The projected reproductive organs make one male. Men tend towards outer manifestations of strength and physical manifestation (they 'bring home the bacon'), masculine traits/qualities/aspects of the self.
  It also resonates with the creation story I was given: In the beginning was The Dance.......gave birth to "God"/masculine deity. The Dance projected aspects of it's self into a state of separation to get a look at it's self. Dominant consciousness shall no longer be masculine in nature: based on overpowering, structuring, controlling. It shall be returned to empowering, flexibility and fluidity, allowing and accepting.
  I am given to understand that the "Return" of the "Goddess" is the re-embodiment of the disembodied/separated aspects.
 Does this mean an end to men and masculine aspects? No. It simply means they will be brought into alignment with The Dance as a whole. Men will re-embody more fully their 'feminine' aspects and women will re-embody their more "masculine" aspects, integrate and fully align them with our divine source, bringing natural well-being to the whole. We will still have outer manifestations of creation, but creation will be an inner focus needing less outer validation. Buildings, structures,weapons, control, power over, etc are all outer validations of a sense of security, acknowledgement, empowerment. I know I'm smart because I convinced...... I know I'm strong because I overpowered......I know I'm beautiful because I am seen with.......I know I am safe because I constructed.......I know I am secure because I accumulated......I know I am virile because I produced....
  Inner/feminine/non-projection/embodied sense of security needs no physical walls to know it is safe. It understands it's inner reality produces it's outer reality; the "Law of Attraction", 'conscious creation', loving and honoring one's self. It is self-determined
 So, the return of the Goddess/Mother is the re-embodiment of our disembodied aspects as we learn to allow and live by "law of attraction" and empowering elements and aspects rather than patriarchal. efforted, calculated, controlled, mechanical/projected creation based on overpowering elements.
As I begin integrating more consciously my own disembodied aspects, I also am given to understand that the feminine/female entities are created by the disembodied aspects which are male/masculine to fill the void left from being 'rejected'/disowned/separated from their source. So 'God' gave birth to goddesses when it rejected aspects of it's self which resemble The Dance out of resentment for the rejection/separation or creates female counterparts, gods will pair up with other disembodied aspects' created feminine replacements, pairings giving birth to offspring and on and on it goes.
Now all these aspects are being called home to be owned up to and 'owned', healed and made whole.
As with all that comes through to me beginning with a single profound statement, expansion upon it, depths of it, implications of it and further clarifying of these will continue to be given in bits and pieces as and when appropriate. Undoubtedly more shall be coming...........
Next morning----I had felt left hanging on the re-integrating. Will that which we call God return to become a part of The Dance? Will disembodied entities be literally re-embodied, reabsorbed into their mother/human? I woke knowing the answer is "No.". Can a child return to it's mother's womb? No, her body has already changed to accommodate a nursing infant and her womb transformed into an environment that rejects occupation. The child has also changed to draw breath and can't go back to holding that breath. Expansion of both parties makes it impossible to go back. So, reintegration, re-embodiment is a "coming to terms with" that which was "disowned" and the reforming of an expanded version of that which was disowned. It is more akin to regrowing a limb as a lizard will it's tail and a starfish a 'leg'. Many in the New Age circles are speaking of the return of their "I AM presence"; that would be a case of "possession". That would mean the regrown "I AM" presence subjects it's self to the old "I AM" presence. What we would choose if we desire a change in our experience is the 'regrowing' of a new, expanded "I AM" presence which facilitates health and well-being. That will happen naturally if we have been working on conscious creation and expansion ourselves, learning the ways of health and well-being, on having a fully integrated experience.

The Hodge-podges of clearing-My day is perfect

      Woke this morning and began as most of us begin: looking ahead into the day. Anxiety began to come up and attempt to direct my thoughts into the mix. I remind myself; "This is not about my day ahead, my day is perfect" and that which was attempting to push the anxiety away from it's self into the head draws it back in. There are no words for it,this anxiety. I cannot help but think of how this must be like what is to be like as child. Change comes, we have no word for it. It's growth spurt, an expansion of perception and/or awareness. We see it in children: unable to grasp a concept no matter how you try to explain it to them-something like time, distance or some aspect of physical living. Then one day they wake up grasping it perfectly and we realize it had nothing to do with the teaching we did/attempted but with their "stage of development". So, that which is within me has reached the cusp of a new stage of development, change to it is coming in and it's painful but it's hanging in there, allowing the expansion to happen because we know what it is. It's a natural process so it's going end up well quite naturally. So, it is acting wisely and not projecting, not pushing to have it projected into this reality, this experience, the day ahead. It really is only all about me. ......a gesture while before a mirror, the sense of my mother's face reflecting back wants to creep in which always haunted and disturbed me: "she was young once, full of hope and love, she fell into traps of consciousness and that's quite a normal thing. No need to be disturbed by the idea that this version of me with renewed youth, love and hope might look like her then. It's a beautiful thing. She was always told she was beautiful, pretty, good at dancing. To be a reflection of her in that state would not be to be ugly." The anxiety is drawn back in. "A prophet is never accepted in his home town" tries to get projected toward upcoming interaction with family...."no, that was because when love for self is absent, the belief that anything good could from within the group 'self'' was impossible but now we live in age where love for self is a priority and people believe they can do great things and people who believe they can do great things accept that one from among them can as well". We will or won't be accepted on an individual basis and then it will be about them and how much love they have for themselves.
   Last night I realized I had a personal stigma/unproductive meme of my own about physical health, strength, well-being. Something about limiting it only to physical work, labor, productive within my circumstances and working out in a gym or to workout videos or structure of any sort was just 'vanity' and thus unable to actually truly contribute to health. It came so naturally as a child, without efforting, I was looking for a way to bring that back into my experience. So, we are releasing that bit of jazzed up junk consciousness this morning.
  Integrating, integrating, integrating!
  I remind myself again: my day is all arranged and energetically perfectly aligned to me. If I am vulnerable due to integrating, extra support is already there waiting to be given. The child who would have chimed in as we do when tying our shoes or zipping up our own clothes during those stages of development "I can do it myself!"......the melting away of resistance to letting support in. Some times we need the extra hand when in these stages of development and we give up struggling with the tying and zipping "Let Mommy do this for you, your coordination will come when it's ready". Again "my day is perfectly aligned to me...." wanting to creep in is "even if a wake-up call is needed", oh, doesn't that just feel juicy? NOT! but sure, come on in, it's whole anxiety party, why not you, too? It would not have been given if I wasn't able to handle it......those hurt especially, knowing that something needs "correcting"........it's simply an expansion, an "awakening to" and we can take this thing and we can accept it humbly and it can be delivered softly, non-threatening, not embarrassing: we're all still learning, more than ever before greater and greater aspects are awakening and needing alerting to, A "You can do better does not mean we haven't been doing the best we can do, it simply means that now, today, in this module, this moment more is available inus and thus from us and we CAN keep the pace or it would not have been given, so take a deep breath, don't focus on it, simply allow it to be integrate. it does not need to be 'personally' taken."
  The day ahead is perfectly aligned to me: in service to, in support of my development. Not one bit of it is meant to be "mean", O.K., so a vessel used might only be able to be used if they can bring it through ina tone that is mean, but that is them, the meanness it's self has nothing to do and is not meant for you....and oh, look, I have my period-delight comes in at this validation: it is a time of clearing! A part of our natural cycle, I am in alignment with the natural me, clearing precisely when and how I'm supposed to! Resistance is absent and I am full of allowance and perfect timing. Synchronicity governs my world this and every morning. Ducks are all in a row for our journey. I can trust this, my, and every day perfectly. I am reminded I would normally get an ominous feeling on a mornings such as these, it is absent, but come on in and join the party tailor made for me, for this moment, this moment of clearing. Never again shall I have an "ominous" morning, full of anxiety for the day ahead, thoughts projecting forward into it to shake up it's perfect alignment with ease and peace and grace and joyful living. The path of greatest allowance is for me! Wanting to chime in on this is "both the positive AND negative" which would have been threatening but now I know even negative is positive and just there to trigger further expansion within me: not question myself, my maturity, my abilities, my intelligence, my capabilities but to draw my attention to a greater perspective now available to me......initiation into, facilitating of, bringing awareness to a growth spurt...that greater which I am now capable of-reason to be celebrating! I am capable of seeing a great variety of perspectives. I am capable of taking the 'good' with the 'bad', filtering so that I can focus on that which I do want while giving that which I do not what it needs for it's own expansion. An artist, an artist of consciousness and love and acceptance....that is me! It is what I be. Both grounded and elated aware of both levels and dancing in between as they spiral out in opposite directions, two side to the same coin of energy, holding this space as they draw back in, coming into a state of wholeness. Holding this space for myself as they become integrated....they are like yo-yos on strings spinning outward and back in again. The yo-yo queen!-light hearted playing. It's hands off the steering wheel morning....letting the "universe" do it's thing for me while I do my yo-yo queen thing. Pretty darn handy to have a universe in support of one's doing, don't ya think?
  And then I sense tendrils of essence, one might say magic, like smoke wafting up, being released from my tailbone to re-encompass me. The idea hits me that I had been walking through life stark naked, disembodied pieces......That is what will be happening to me this week: my re-encompassing. There is rejoicing with the re-encompassing, the restoration of my "bubble" with acknowledgement of sadness at no longer being amongst the naked (included in something, just like 'everybody'), remembering resentment at it being 'taken', the need for that to happen and all those feelings of negativity associated with this thing. Re-encompassing. Restoration. A beautiful thing, like a gown, a princess spinning in her new digs, delighted with her "bubble" of golden, magical essence, the gilding she so resented 'having' to see the world through. It is back again and it is NOT a problem. It is welcome in me. Somehow, my accepting it sets the world free. it is released of me, the 'problems' I used to bring. Free of me. Free of maintaining anything. I am re-encompassing.
We shall be weaving a magical being with magical experiences into a common reality of mundane/mechanical thinking and perceiving so we shall have to respect those in charge of keeping that shared reality coherent to a appropriate degrees for the sanity of those trapped in it while trusting the inner knowings that will here and there guide us to "blow it", blow holes in it for those ready for an awakening to expanding potentials of being. Intricate and subtle, harsh and demanding a dance of degrees and finery.

A Place called home and sacred stories

     The first time I woke this morning I was being given to know experience that from which we all come. Whether we've ever experienced it or not, whether we've ever been told of it or not we all come from this 'place'. I was filled with well-being and quiet joyousness.
     The second time I woke it was again, or still, as one with this 'home' from which we all come and I was being given to know that even if we had never personally set foot in it, we could all, each and every one, "return" to it.
     The third time I woke, again or still, in this state of oneness with it I was given to know in reference to irritation I had been experiencing that a man had injected me with his resentment. I was reminded in thought as I woke more fully and knew I wasn't going back to sleep; it would not have 'stuck' to me if I didn't already have some of my own. And who doesn't become resentful as a teen or even as a child?! Nothing to be resisting.
    I was then given in thought: those stories our children tell that do not agree with what we know to have happened are important SACRED moments. They are choosing their reality that they are being given to experience.......from this place called "HOME". Now this is not going to be at first an easy acceptance for most. It is known in our world as "psychosis".
   I began to notice the phenomenon with my oldest child. She would tell me what was going on recanting stories of her own experience. "Trouble" was: they were a mish-mash of memories of my own I had shared with her or with someone while she overheard. So, for instance, in one 'memory' of 'her own' which she shared, she had combined a memory of my own with an experience I would have told that belonged to my sister.
   When she was thirteen years old the movie "Thirteen" (or "13") came out. I saw the preview and thought off-handedly it was something I wouldn't rent because it was something she didn't need to see. Within days she came back from a friend's house telling me about how she had seen the movie. She was enchanted by it. She wanted that experience for herself: mother and daughter violently dramatic conflict. It simply wasn't given to me to embody. She hit me and I flattened her out without blinking or harming her in any way. I was too "mature" and energetically "too big", too much a 'master' of these things to play out the little drama of high school level girl fighting between mother and daughter. No judgement against it, I could see the allure of it: the adrenaline, the passion....the 'fun' of it. It simply wasn't for me. that was when her step-mother became her mother. They've gotten into fist fights and play mental and emotional games with one another, undermine her father together, etc. A head trip in spades.
  As a child and teen I did not have the ability to rebel against my parents. I would be punished for things I didn't do but would never argue it. I would never try to explain. I simply took and accepted it. Whatever. I was good at being alone anyways. Grounding me was never really a punishment. If I had any resentment it was too deeply hidden from me. So, my daughter is living my "unlived life" of a teen in conflict with her teen mentality mother being embodied by her step mother.
   That is the paradox of parenting. We ARE absolutely responsible for how our children turn out and at the same time, we absolutely are NOT and what your child becomes has nothing to do with you: it's given them from this place called "Home".
  As I process all of this morning's gifts, I'm practicing that which I have been given to practice recently: let my subconscious process it. Remind the brain to give it up and give it over. It'll come back to 'us' all clean and with perfect clarity until it meets something that causes it's expansion and then back into the subconscious/"home" it goes. The brain's only job in this case is to remain open for what is going to come up out of the 'subconscious', deep within the body/"home". Allow the pain to flow without needing to explain-if explanation is needed it will be given so that the mind can 'click' with a new perspective of understanding.
  A part of me that still wants to be a 'dependent' comes up with it for loving attention and acceptance.
Gut seering pain, an etheric need to puke it all up out of the subconscious and hidden parts of the body. Rejoicing at knowing resentful people will no longer be a regular part of my reality. Knowledge we are never alone and will always be 'dependent' upon the subconscious, home and outer reality for a complete experience, for expansion comes softly, resentment from parts wanting 'independence' and the spiraling process begins against, energy surging and flowing throughout the various levels of that which I call 'me'. Knowing if we resist our children's 'psychosis', try to argue them out of it, refuse to accept it....we only make it larger and more determined to exist on some level in them and in some place in our reality. It's simply a consciousness they're given to play in and can last for only a single moment if allowed to simply be. It can be personal but doesn't need to be taken personally. Sometimes they give it up quite abruptly when we play in it with them as 'just play' I've learned. The enchantment dissipates quickly. In the end, it is our lies that are the truths our children are given live in. We call their stories "lies" and psychosis, to them they are the truths they're given to live. At the same time, the lies we live (I experienced no resentment) become the living embodiment we call children to live in the truth of their existence.
  I love the feeling of 'home', the well-being, perfect harmony of the body in it's presence...no aches or pains, no uncertainty, no worries, no judgement of anyone or anything, no "need to do" anything....it's a blissful place to be. And heart melts with appreciation: it's a place I have been given to be! I always have a place with it and it always has a place in me. I can return to it time and time again. It is an answer to my dream of a big old house out in country where my family could come between life's storms. A place where one is always welcome, fed and kept warm with a 'grandmother' who always listens and always cares, full of wisdom and acceptance and compassionate understanding born of experience...."I know, my child, I know", even when it is all unaccepted because there is more of a 'drama' needing or wanting to be explored. HOME with "Grammy". Home with the sage old woman. Home with any flavor of personality present we are wanting or needing at any given moment. Home tailor made for me ;)

Angels with clipped wings..charitable giving and domestic violence shelters

     Yesterday was a "high energy" day. My neighbors downstairs were fighting loudly again, screaming at their two year old. I heard another ruckus louder than ever before but did not know what it was until my neighbor next door came calling with a request. His daughter has been bringing home a guy with a warrant out for his arrest who had just stolen over $200 from her father. The louder ruckus was her father kicking the boyfriend out of his apartment and the boyfriend throwing beverage bottles at her father. So he explained it all to me and how his daughter isn't allowed to have him over, could I keep an eye on the situation and let him know if the boyfriend shows up again? No. His daughter made her choice, wasn't ignorant of the boyfriend's doings and was going to get away with as much as she can. She's an over weight, insecure intuitive who has been shown 'new toys'(ways of getting things) by a tall dark and handsome man willing to fight her overbearing father 'just to be with her'. He didn't seem to get that I had said no and left with an "O.K.?". I realized then, as I felt violated in being expected to do this thing I hadn't agreed to. Then it was given to me to see, I won't be violated until I do as he requested. So, I had a choice and if I chose to honor his expectation of his assuming of an agreement, I would be violating myself.
   I woke this morning way too early (which happens when I have 'work to do' before the children wake) with a topic on my mind and wept as I realize I had violated myself on numerous occasions. Then I was reminded of how it all began........
   Several years ago I was "caught up in vision", which means I saw nothing and heard no voices while experiencing a heightened state of being and given a sense of things. I was chosen to go from congregation to congregation with "the truth". "Oh, I'd be traveling 'preacher', embraced by those seeking truth, honesty about spiritual things!", thought me. Of course when in a heightened state of being everything feels full of spirit and like the best of all things. Instead I was plunged into homelessness and deprivation. No matter what I did to set down roots it was somehow undermined, I was placed in physically violent circumstances where I had to "escape" 'god-fearing' men who wanted to 'help'. I was sooo confused until I 'heard' again, 'caught up in vision': "Now you know why I judge people as I do".
   So what was the reason? What was I experiencing throughout all this as I brought 'truth' and honesty to 'congregations' of 'believers' and 'faithful' and 'do-gooders'/'righteous' all over this country?
   So many refer their own children, friends, neighbors and strangers they meet in need to charitable organizations and government welfare agencies. What they do not realize is this: government agencies treat their agency policies as laws. They have no legal right to enforce work and education programs and conditions to receiving benefits. Food, shelter.....life's necessities are an unalienable right to life and freedom. So, instead of laws, they make agency policies which their employees follow, depriving people of their rights in exchange for getting their needs met. When we sign the agreements to abide by agency rules in order to get the means to food and other necessities, we violate ourselves. We sacrifice our right to self-determination in exchange for our right to be fed and sustained.
   Your homeless and domestic violence shelters are primarily run by religious organizations. In order to reside in these one must relinquish their right to freedom of religion. They must subject themselves and their children to religious services or face (we believe) freezing to death in the streets. At the very least, not availing one's self of shelters means harassment by locals and police for 'loitering', 'trespassing', 'vagrancy', 'breaking and entering', etc. People actually complain if a hungry person stands outside a store with a sign. the very sight of them soooo disturbing to the consciences of shoppers they cannot bear to see them in plain sight-confine them to shelters and bread lines! One domestic violence shelter WAS new age run, receiving government help and their policy was the opposite: no religious expression allowed. No giving thanks before your meals and no spiritual discussions in "public spaces" (where other residents could overhear). Not being allowed in oneanother's rooms, that meant no where on the premises.
   Another violation of our own right to self-determination one must agree to in most cases is the right to protect your children's right to self-determination by the practice of home schooling one's children. One must place their children in public school as a condition upon entering most any shelter. One did not require it but DID require you violate your religious freedoms by attending services twice a day.
    There was only ONE shelter in this entire country I came across that honored all aspects of our right to self-determination. It is a domestic violence shelter in Connecticut. They even went so far as finding the means for professional Easter photos to be paid for one mother and her children because it was part of her yearly tradition, a part of maintaining as much of a "normal" experience (a manner to which they were accustomed) as possible for mother and children. I do not give the name because generally when an exception is discovered, that is quickly 'remedied' by those who LIKE it the other way.
  So it went with food banks, clothing banks......any level and form of charity so "freely available".
  Another phenomenon I discovered was that one must already have money to avail themselves of many services. There is no transportation to get to these agencies, so one must already have a vehicle. Food banks in some places can only be accessed if you're already on state benefits: proof in the form of a food stamp card and such is a requirement. I was told in one case I had to apply for heating assistance, even though my heat was covered by rent, or I would lose TANF (welfare) and food stamp benefits.
  Some go so far as require we violate our physical rights by requiring immunizations of adults and children against whatever scare they've cooked up for the public in general.
  At the very least one must consent to "rape" of all their personal details and information, submit to 'mugshots' for files in case their body is found at a later date and it can be identified, fingerprinting to protect the public from "double dipping" into the welfare system. Ya know what? Most just want to set down roots and get on with their lives. It's the very rare few who are going to drive from state to state to engage in such a 'scam'.
  These are all the extremes we've given birth to by allowing ourselves to embrace and encourage fear based conditional giving. I'm not proposing activism of any sort, simply sharing my observations to 1) release myself from the energy I took on for this "mission" 2) share with others why unconditional giving is soooo important. As a matter of fact, maybe "sharing the abundance we live in" is more appropriate way of expressing "giving": we own nothing for it is all given to us and so we can only share what w have been given/entrusted with or what we, as creators have generated. Instead of fighting the old(which only feeds it and perpetuates it), I am presenting aspects we would want absent from the new we are creating. Don't ask 'qualifying' questions, don't require explanations, trust in your ability to create the most loving and unconditional experience possible and if someone 'takes advantage' or 'mistreats', we've fine-tuned our preference and can give thanks it has been brought to our attention our alignment needs some tweaking.
  Let's stop clipping our wings and requiring others to do the same. Let us fly free as angels of unconditional love and well-being!
 So mote it be ;)

The Shalom of Sensuality

      "To touch, feel and taste men....to be touched, felt and tasted in return" is the phrase that was brought up from within me this morning. I felt no resonance with it, thus it must be VERY deep within. So, I begin to open to what may come in reference to it.
     Obviously it applies in some way to me. My oldest shocked a congregation when she licked the face of the guy whose lap she was sitting on. The congregation's little darlings became shadowed by "perversion". Just the other day my youngest daughter licked me. Uh, O.K. I licked her back. Everyone began giggling. Silly child's play.
   A stranger in a bar walked up to me and said "You love sex, don't you?" "Uh, yeah". He walked away. That was the whole sum of the interaction. I was choosy and prudent, but yeah, when deemed appropriate I had no inhibitions.
   This sensuality does not have to be literal physical touch. This is can be a purely energetic thing. So starved of it, we have energetic vampires and complete shut-offs. We have prudes and we have perverts.
   So, it is given to me to allow an appropriate experience of our natural dynamic to rise up from within me. Everything in nature, even that which is poisonous, has something that feeds on it. It does not mean we have to consume anything and everything we find tasty.  It simply means we were meant to experience one another as well as our environment in an honorable, respectful way, recognizing maturity and ability, healthy limits and such things. What a delight is it to "breath in" another's essence! To breath in those things we find pleasing in our environment!
  Time for me personally to resurrect, summon forth and gracefully embody the sensual aspect of this creature who has been shipwrecked by duality, extremes of deprivation and going too far and inappropriately forth......to discover the Shalom of Sensuality.....it then occurs to me: it's not about consuming anything or anyone, it's about allowing ourselves to fully BREATHE in our experiences, focus on and delight in the aspects we delight in and then breathing them out again while we dwell joyfully on the 'taste' of the delightful aspects for as long as they last within us. And it is further given to me: that is reason for 'shocking' behavior like a child suddenly licking your face-they are being used to remind you to breath. They're kind like 'shock treatments' for the lungs instead of the hearts:)

Brother and sister stuff

     I woke this morning with thoughts in my head of me guessing "Oh, that must be my team" and I began to imagine power scenes but was given to understand it was head distraction. There is a process of clearing needed and it's deep and those thoughts were a distraction so I wouldn't face it, whatever it is.
   I write publicly because it forces me to be honest. Others may not find that to be true of others or themselves, but I know if I am dishonest I will only draw insincere supporters in their own states of denial that if I so chose I could feed off of to support my darkness, my blind spot in a matter. The opposers would be viscous, tenaciously hitting that nerve, provoking me to feel the wound...perverting it to an extreme so I fight it and expose it or become even further dug in and committed to denial of it. I do not want a blind spot in me, something everyone else can see but I cannot even begin to fathom. I do not want resistance fighting off the extreme accusations would grow in me because I do not want to spend the rest of my life fighting anything. I love peace. So, I bring it all out: the extreme perversions said to me and the deepest truths about me that are hiding within but always coming from without to bite me. Pay attention to the "out of left field" questions we feel are completely irrelevant. They hold a message.
  So first, the perverted extremes of accusation: My mother went through a phase of studying to become a counselor and so, of course, we were all dragged into her latest fad; to a counselor. One of his questions was: you share a bedroom with your brother, does he ever touch you sexually? I thought that was the strangest question on earth, It had no resonance within me and my brother hated me. He beat me more often than spoke to me in any other manner. Later in life an ex told child welfare people I was going to mate my son and daughter due to some fanatical religious belief in keeping bloodlines pure by incestuous relationships. I was stumped. The most I could hope for with my children was that they don't kill each other, really. I wanted them to be more supportive than my brother was of me, but mating?! Recently a man was showing interest in me (many heartfelt thanks to him for being a catalyst for this journey) and I became clued in that he had been molested as a child by female "siblings" and mother figure (in the name of 'free love', New Age extreme of self-love and open sensuality 'for the children') and that he would, in his present state, molest my children in the least by encouraging them to molest each other. So, I dropped him like a hot potato..... before he could even see a picture of my children...... with love and compassion and a deep understanding of why he is the way he is and that if left to the universe he would get what he needs to trigger his swim across the humbling river of emotion without me (and if he does take that swim across the humbling river-which must be done alone-, the woman who then scores him will be mightily blessed, he is otherwise an absolute gem). Yet the question was a quiet observation "Holy crap, what does incestuous sibling relationships have to do with me? Why would I draw this thing?" These have been the "out of left field" accusations and drawing I believed had absolutely no relevance to me. The existence of them means I drew them somehow, even if they are an extreme opposite of what I experience as the reality of my thinking and beliefs. One extreme draws another, so the illness must then be I am not intimate enough with my feelings in regards to my siblings. I am not "in touch" enough with what is going on between my children emotionally because of my own blind spot and so their relationship has the enmity between them that my brother had for me. So, I explore the relationship between my brother and me.
  My brother and I are only 9 months apart in age, so we were basically as tight as twins when young. The stories speak of closeness and double trouble until "I left him" for kindergarten. I don't remember them. Reportedly he used to climb out of his crib every morning, let down the side of mine and we would head for the kitchen. There we would climb up on the counter tops to break out the peanut butter and jelly. Leaving a big gooey, sticky mess behind, we would venture out the door to play with caged pets who would be running free while we road our big wheels everywhere. That was what my mother reportedly woke up to find: messy kitchen, running pets and two toddlers riding around free.
  My sister was born just in time for my kindergarten abandonment of my brother. She became his sidekick and underling of which I have no knowledge. I do know school only added to the alienation which hurt me. I got straight A's and was teacher's pet. My brother would follow the next year and hear things like "I expected more of you, to be like your sister". I was a natural horseback riding champion. His saddle girth would loosen halfway around the ring and he and his saddle would go sliding off. We got Odysseys and I tore off, flying through the mud and tearing up the fields while he did a slow little put-put trial. He was growing up in the shadow of "she does everything right" as "he can't get anything right". I cried for him. I wanted to see him do well. He was my brother and I loved him. When in middle school I was in a bathroom stall while some girls were saying mean things about him and I cried. I wanted to scream out at them in defense of him. They had no idea what his life was like.
  My mother fostered the alienation. She couldn't help it, she was a narcissist defending "her baby boy". One grandmother would have me for overnight visits  because I was well-behaved. She did not want to have my brother or sister over, for they were not. The ultimatum from my mother: if she wouldn't have them, she wouldn't get me. So, I lost my one place of feeling cherished. That wasn't the end of it. My brother and sister were allowed to go with my father to visit his side of the family, but I wasn't. They were going to be afforded special treatment, not me. I was alienated. That side of the family, when we were all grown, would apologize to me for making fun of my mother in front of me, under some perception that I spent my childhood away from them due to a closeness to her; as if I would be offended by comical portrayals of her true charector.
  In high school my brother would gang up with others who wanted to gang up on me. We would end up in physical altercations that would have been life threatening if I hadn't developed a "crazy" streak. I became the one thing that man fears in this life. My mother's accusation "Your brother is street smart, he'll get somewhere in life. You're only book smart, you won't survive" type statements only contributed to alienation. Street smart brother ended up in prison a few times. On one occasion his parole was dependent upon him going to live with my mother. He gave my mother an ultimatum: Stacey goes. So, I was homeless for the first time as teen because my brother "needed her more than me". I was going to college and working. He was having drug parties in the basement while my mom was on vacation. Still, I was heartbroken. I loved him.
  As adults, my mother still favors my brother and sister because she can get in their heads and jerk them around. Family thinks it's such a pity that mommy's little girl, her devoted shadow cannot resolve her differences with her mother. As if we spent our time away from them while my brother and sister was with them doing each other's hair and nails. She was pulling my hair and slamming my head into walls, telling me how dirty and filthy I was, how I was going to grow up and be a loser. One of the biggest draws of a high control religion was the promise of "a world wide loving family of big brothers" who would love and be there for me. Oh, how I wanted a big brother who would love me!
   My brother and I never speak. It's been years. Last I heard he was an alcoholic becoming physically twisted by rheumatoid arthritis living with a drug addict, still having a dysfunctional control/abuse relationship with my sister and pulling my mother's heart strings as much as she'll let him in service to her needs.
  I never pitied my brother. I always felt like I was growing up in his shadow. He was successful in life in ways I wasn't. He has a place. He's in a relationship. He's close to family. He has friends who are there for him. He has people who would speak well of him. I have had none of those things.
  But today is a new day. I see me. I love my brother. I understood and saw and knew what made him do what it is he would do. I've tasted his hell. And I never pitied him because I had too much respect for him. He got what he wanted every time. I never saw him as "less than". I saw him as equal: two kids growing up in pure hell who should have been the best of friends if only we were allowed the tools to have such a relationship. We are well matched and well met. We have both rocked our approaches to our circumstances in this life and somehow, in some way come out as victors of it. He became master of what we were given and I became master of shedding it. Indeed, we are well met.
  My brother helped draw out of me a fearlessness of physical confrontation with men. I was never physically aggressive, but if backed into a corner, if I had to, I could physically kick the ass of men who towered over me at 6'3" with my mere 5'6". I never pitied men. I understood and felt sad for their emotional injuries, I could always empathize with them. I know it's harder for them to cross that humbling river of emotional energy but I know they've got this. They've stood up against ME and I am one intimidating little bitch from their perspective. They've never pitied me. While I may have argued differently, believing myself weak and incapable, the message consistently given me by men: you've got this. You can take care of your self.
  I do believe the spell has been broken and I am free. Well worth the journey and yes! I did not choose the distraction! I went for it instead-the jumping into the darkness. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm rockin' it!
 As for my effect on the relationship between my two youngest: I do believe it's now perfect.

Live life slowly

Message to self today:
Live life slowly
to feel every feeling, good or bad
neither will hurt me....
and then choose where to focus
to bring in the more good feelings.
We have all the time in the world
we are eternal
So yes,live life slowly
Let the manifestations come quickly

Stop and smell the roses
The inner roses
Even if at first it feels like they all come with thorns
Feel the roses within
Throughout every day
That the truth may blossom
We are made of delight
And luxurious
satiny smooth
warm and inviting
light
The 'smell' of life

Living in YOUR now moment

   I woke with the following to explore: the potential difference between living in THE now moment and YOUR no moment.
   We are told to live in the now moment, to be fully present. We are told of a dissociation "disorder", have fingers snapped in our faces when we "daze out" and are yelled at to snap us out of our unawareness of what someone else is seeing as a dangerous moment or not paying attention to them. People complain of feeling isolated, alone and feeling dissociated from others in their immediate environment. and yet..........
   To be dissociated is be fully present in YOUR now moment instead of a collective now moment, To be fully present in your depression is to be fully present with your now self, your now feelings. Is that a truly bad thing?
   When I was a child I fell from three stories high and suffered only a scratch on the cheek, felt no fear because I had been playing and so felt playfulness all the way down and wonder as each branch of the pine tree felt to cradle me and gently lower me to the next.
   The reign broke whilst riding a horse who then bolted fast as he could downhill smack into a Cadillac going 50mph downhill horizontal from the horse's direction. The car collapsed literally in half. The horse walked away with a permanent limp. I had sailed over the top of the car, landed on the other side of the road, went back to mucking stalls and went tubing down the Farmington River the next day: not a single injury.
  Whilst wading in a pond, I looked down as if time had frozen at my daughter floating face down right next to me in the water and 'dazedly' lifted her up by the back of her clothes. Things 'snapped back' and she was splashing and playing like nothing had happened.
  I have sat wondering in amazement as to why my coffee cup just spilled over and had a friend standing several feet away come hair frizzed out, nerves shaking asking "omg, I cannot believe that!". Lightening had struck a tree right in front of me, blowing a dog run right out of the tree and the doghouse at the base of the tree exploding into millions of pieces.
  I've felt the warm hug of a lover from behind only to hear "OMG! What a freak! She didn't even flinch when I tried to startle her!". I had been taking my daughter out of her infant carrier, looking lovingly into her eyes.
  I haven't tested the theory, but I suspect dissociation may very well be how one walks on water and such things. One would have to consciously be able to dissociate to the degree required from the collectively agreed to physical environment.
  On the milder side: I'll be sitting there totally engrossed in a movie plot with flashbacks and twist and turns and turn to my sister: "Oh, wow , that was intensely awesome" and recap the and she's all like "How could you even follow that?! The kids are running right in front of it and jumping on the couch next to us! I didn't get a bit of it!".
  I had a teacher leave his desk and pull mine directly in front him so I would "pay attention". Yet my work would would be read to the class with marvel a perfect example of what was being taught. I had a "photographic memory" and had to hear something only once. Could ADHD be a naturally born creative master rather than any form of "deficiency"?
  I don't disturb my children when they "daze out" because I know when I have, though no thoughts were going through my mind while I was, a profound thought and/or answer would come immediately following. I don't yell to get their attention when they're playing "absentmindedly" and bit my tongue when they're about to step in dog pooh and somehow step right over it. I let them continue to play instead of insisting they aren't listening. I wait until their attention comes to me. I don't yell through rooms or across houses for them. I go to them quietly and observe before interrupting. I respect THEIR now moment, not insisting it always be coherent with mine.
   We always hear of examples of prisons being hit by bombs and the imprisoned Christian or Jehovah's Witness or whichever cult is being touted as "backed by god" being the only one unharmed, their cell the only one left virtually intact. Miracle from god or practiced dissociation from the collective reality? Small woman lifting a car off a pinned child: pure adrenaline or momentary dissociation from our collective reality?
  For me, worth consideration.

5 monkeys-Why we believe what we believe and do what we do

I had figured out the only reason the belief we have to earn our keep, be of service, be found worthy and work for others is because our forefathers were indentured servants and slaves who never had time to rest enough to come out of survival mode. We call love what we call because we are love and know it but were told to be an expression of love we must do as we are told to do: "love behaves in such and such a way". We parent as we parent because we were told or shown: "this is how one parents". Every aspect of our lives is governed by a past long forgotten. No woman wants to be an empowered woman/cunt because to be such was to be burned at the stake when inquisitors came....commissioned by men threatened by the existence of holy women. Fear of self-determination was ingrained this way, fear of knowing who I am. Fear of being different while proclaiming to be different and finding a clique to fit into. Believing there is safety in numbers. Every belief...learned from those who have been traumatized by those who have been traumatized by those who have been traumatized........
   Summed up nicely by the experiment of five monkeys:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd22AWCWjwM

Astral Inversion and the True Rainbow Tribe of Children

A few things I haven't reset as of this moment, but are sinking in that it may begin:
  First, a rabbit hole, Hold onto your britches, Alice, we're going in and riding the ride!
    The un-incarnated children, bright little lights of consciousness born of love between two lovers who shut off the love before the child could physically be born are told "Oh, no, it's not due to lack of love, it's because you need a soul contract to gain your physical form", Deep psychological twists and turns of the innocent mind here:   an innocent idealizes the parent, so to believe a parent is incapable of loving self, they prefer the belief that the parent doesn't love them(the child)..... in their naivety and desire to believe the love was love for them (the truth which they know and believe contradicts the preferred belief) rather than the belief that it was love of self and each other that was killed, chooses to form dependency (a salvation, an escape from the painful and confusing contradiction, a seemingly more simple solution) upon a soul contract (intellectual escape).
  From the beginning of the forming of physical form children are telepathically pelted with the thoughts of dependency upon fulfilling soul contracts and coming from a place of "there's only me" where there never were anything but their own thoughts in their 'heads', they believe the thoughts are theirs and telepathic psychic intrusion is not recognized but rather believed to be their own psychic knowledge turned into thought in their own brains. We gain physical form by simple creative force but are not aware of that because the process is intruded upon and the "voices" sound as one's own, the presence as or own. We pursue these contract fulfillment for all our self worth, but the vibe of dependency leads to victimization created by us due to it's mere presence within us. We are not allowed to rest as the thoughts are repeated constantly and often enough that their absence feels like loss of sense of self and we ourselves create thought loops to remind us. We thus become our own wardens in the prisons we are led to believe we created and are solely responsible for and cringe at exposing them to ourselves for we know we are only able to love ourselves, so we shut off that love for that prison making aspect of us because it can't be us (another contradiction making us yearn for intellectually simple release and salvation, making us even more of a victim and abuser of self and others without any acknowledged awareness).
  Now all this thought maintenance requires energy and attention which drains us. The offered escape and salvation is to go even further outside our core center into places of astral projection...meditation, abandoning our bodies and all our denied, unacknowledged, disowned, disassociated....shadow...aspects along with all our inborn knowledge and truth of our being.
  Our true nature is to astrally invert, go back home into the source of our being, our very own core of creation....the opposite direction we are sent in by misleading guides and loving "teachers" who are actually energetic, psychic, telepathic vultures and vampires who want us to disown ourselves and give ourselves over to them.
  Because we have a lack of words to explain our true nature, and are too distracted from "going in" to get those words and answers, we feel intellectually inadequate, unable to justify our experiences, too tired to think and reflect clearly due to the sucking dry of our energy, we deny our experiences and we seek out teachers, nurturers, authority figures, purposes, missions, and more dependency which draws more abuse and victimization we are supposed to take sole responsibility and credit for. And we master it and perpetrate it unwittingly upon our own children and the children of others.
  THE MEANS ARE NOT JUSTIFIED BY THE ENDS. THE ENDS EXISTED BEFORE THE MEANS WERE EVER INJECTED.
  And always remembering: none of us could have chosen differently, not perpetrator nor victim, there was no way to know any better.
  I was given to be shown my lips being touched after a long silence of spiritual awareness. This was followed by being shown my being in a mansion filled with boulders that had fallen or been dropped through the ceiling of glass portions. Called to come within the mansion angel arrived angels of iridescent swirling colors. They removed the boulders and began to hold up the ceiling in place of the original pillars broken by the assault of boulders.
  Not long later I was shown myself to be entering what looked like a diner full of men in black suits and ties. I followed by a strong masculine presence always behind me. We sat at the back of the dining room. The command was given to stand and remove shirts. All the men stood and removed their black suit coats and shirts to reveal white t-shirts underneath them. i continued to sit. The presence behind me prompted: you, too. It is your turn. I removed my shirt to find underneath an iridescent rainbow sequined tube top with a white skirt attached. I wondered what it meant. "You will be a teacher of men". [men means angels (of intellectual/masculine nature), not male engendered human beings]
  The true rainbow tribe are not multi-nationality/ethnicity/mixed raced tribe of love and light. They are the nature babies who embody the qualities of all colors of the rainbow we are told exist separately as indigo children, children of the violet flame, crystal children.....we embody the qualities of them all with iridescent sheen, multi-faceted, multi-dimensional experience and existence.

 

General over view of dietary cleanses and changes to eating habits

A general overview of detoxing, juicing, changing one's diet (inspired to post by someone's request about suggestions for a juice cleanse):
It is the break from the energy consuming processing of food that gives the body a chance to focus on cleansing: it will do it on it;s own. The juice can have but a 3 part role in it: 1) feeds the habit of putting something in our faces. 2) ease the nausea associated with toxins being dumped into the digestive system, so ginger or mint is helpful with this and 3) "scouring" the digestive system of coating of toxins the prevent proper digestion and release of toxins. Apple juice is gentlest but most do citrus such as lemon. Then it depends upon how deep a cleanse you are wanting. A dry fast following the juice will send the body's focus into the "deep waters" and cause the body to reset it's self into a more self-sustaining mode, providing the "groundwork" which would enable one to change one's diet. So, for example, after the dry fast one would go back to just juice and soups. If they wanted to go back into solids that are easy to digest so deep cleansing is no longer needed, a vegan diet would be appropriate. If they wanted to continue back into vegetarian and then meat and the need for regular fasting and cleansing again, that can be done as well.

Nature babies who dream while awake and commune with our inner being while we sleep

~Nature babies who dream while awake and commune with our own inner being while we sleep.~
We were all (in these circles) born with essential truths within us, qualities that fully embody a new-to-this-world way of simply being and having it all turn out well for us. Creatorship and abundance as natural as breathing and so inborn and successful, we don't need to know how it works. We had it memed away, contradicted, invalidated, demanded it be explained. It is up to us to uncover it, go deep within and draw it out and affirm it in the face of anything that comes our way, to scream in the face of 'demons' masquerading as angels, of gods and gooddesses of two old systems that want to be perpetuated.... showing up in psychic attacks we believe are our own thoughts and our own thinking, to love intensely the parts of us hurt by all this, to remind ourselves everything else, every other belief and purported 'fact' is absolutely irrelevant. We were born at the end of duality, masculine and feminine, all only two choices; good or bad, black or white, left or right.....BOTH corrupt. We exist in the subtle nuances between, the grey Jedi, whole and unique and different..... new-to-this-world paradigm-of-dependency-upon-the-whole defined by "everybody" (an actual few oppressors masquerading as light and dark forces). We are whole- where we commune when inspired to do so while being our own shamans, warriors, wise leaders, teachers, healers, mothers, fathers, and children. We ARE a village within and it is this village that raises us while others simply compliment our journey into maturity.
My nature when sleeping is to go within the core of my being, unconscious, and bring forth what is needed and wanted. When I was a child, any questions I had would be there when I woke the next morning. Most people "dream" differently. I stopped going inward probably for the usual reasons common to everybody: the alarm clock was set to disturb, parents set to disturb. We developed a mentality that we set the alarm clock, prepared for the next day mentally and emotionally, and spent sleeping hours connecting with those involved, making plans and arrangements in the 'heavens', teaching, explaining, bargaining, wrestling with our own thoughts and actions, instead of going deep. In many cases, such as mine, if we chose differently: to go inside, there was always something waiting to convince me it wasn't safe: a father molesting me, a drunken mother on a rampage. Imagine going into a safe place where one finds the answers to everything to wake with drunken hands upon your thigh or a beating progress?! And so going deep was perceived as unsafe : I had to be "awake" and "dreaming" to keep safe and make the next day safe, I was led to believe. That's one of the biggest tactics of abusers: sleep interruption, and this would be why.
So, I began to go deep in my sleep again, unawares of a quiet panic hiding every time I did. This morning it was glaringly apparent as I consciously chose to go deep instead of "dreaming" wakefully. I woke scared to death and visibly shaking! and then I rejoiced: nothing bad had happened. I am creating differently and have no need for defensive action, no need to fear not taking it. I create my reality! I own my body. And soon war will come to our land supplanting the landlords of this system: no bargaining for a roof over our heads, a place to rest. a place to truly sleep in safety and security again. No alarm clocks to set for we depend upon 'synchronicity' for timing, our own fully aware subconscious. ~Nature babies who dream while awake and commune with our own inner being while we sleep.~

We don't have to die so another can take a turn

  I looked into my own eyes in a mirror as I cried the cry of a life, only deeply inwardly knowing why. I thought of a moment when all that was wanted was realized: loved, embraced, worshiped.....something for which we have waited for our whole lives. And then death comes. A thought entered to explain "that another could take a turn at incarnating", my reply was knowing: lie! We create our own realities, self sustaining and generating. Earth is but a meeting place of which we need not drain or be dependent. We honor her just fine. And then I knew.........so many of us deny love, push it away, put it off to get all the understanding we can get in this life, leaving the best for last because a subliminal message has been ruling over us: when we are fulfilled we must forfeit our lives. Doesn't matter from where it comes, it's here now, the understanding: we don't need to die. No one else "needs a turn", we live in abundance, bubbles of realities self generated and self sustained.....room for all "on the earth"-meeting at that place,a common ground, a common space, a common aspect of each reality..... without doing her any damage what so ever. We CAN live our happily ever after forever in our physical form. Just like children who watch movies over and over, laughing at every turn as if it's the first time they've seen it, so can we. First love and first kiss, over and over again without end because that's just fine.
  My womb is freed up of something as is space on the right side of my body.....I am even more free!

My pre-teen love-of-my-life story

      I have been zeroing in on my soul's desire and using a dating site to do it, I realize. I thought it was the strangest thing. I had reverted to breathairianism, supporting my innocence....yet I could not give up smoking. That is strange in it's self because any time in my life I felt safe enough to express my innocence I gave up cold-turkey without a craving or lingering health affects. So, what is the problem? I didn't bother to focus on it.
      So, there I am interacting with a guy who is wanting someone with whom to re-create the way he was brought up. I was exploring what that means and how it would affect me. Waking from a nap it all came flooding in.........
     When I was a pre-teen my brother brought a friend home through the woods named Jeff White. He and I hit it off and so we would meet in the woods after school. One day my brother told my mom and dad and I was ordered not to meet him again. Always obedient, I listened. Insane that I did not even consider that my brother, who was nine months younger, walked off every day and got into trouble. My parents were absent and would never know if I obeyed or not. 'What would posses my brother', I wondered, but didn't dwell on it.
     Then in high school I saw him again. He was one who took shop classes while I was stuck at the other end of the building taking college prep curses I didn't want to be taking. In order to get close to him, I started smoking. It was the only place we could meet, where I knew he would be-in the smoking area during lunch. I was hoping he'd ask me out. He never did. I ended up over there standing alone just I had been standing alone at the college prep end.
    The captain of the baseball team asked me out, though and we were a thing until he went off to college. I broke up with him because I figured he'd find someone in college and wouldn't be interested in keeping a relationship with a high school girl who had no idea what she wanted to do. It wasn't all insecurity, though and it wasn't all a mercy letting go for his best interests. I wondered often why it just didn't matter 'as much as it should' to me. Until now.
  It hit me like a ton of bricks this evening: I had been holding out all these years for Jeff White. I continue to smoke hoping he'll ask me out, lol. And yet I know the intelligent thing to say is, oh, I just need to reclaim that part of me which I left back there with him: simply loving like a pre-teen. Without question about his qualifications, his plans, his relationship intentions, no drills, no questions...a simple yes, this is him. But my soul doesn't want to go there yet. It wants to be where it is: loving Jeff White because he is a simple kid just like me, liking being liked just like me and yet it must have been so much more than that because plenty of guys have liked me just fine over the years. Men have obsessed, climbed fences, played knight in shining armor........while all the while I only wanted a simple boy from a small town in Connecticut.
   I'm probably not the only one. Faithful unto death to a pre-teen 'fancy', not realizing that at that age, we really DO know what love is and that yes, that love CAN last a lifetime. heh, who knew? Jeff White.
   And voila! I allowed it to sit and it was released on it's own, in it's own time (a couple hours, lol resiliency!)

The Sounds we make

  I was walking down the outside stairs with my children and our snow sleds. I noticed I was stomping my feet, like deliberately. I felt a great sense of relief. Huh? The neighbors had been complaining about my children running to the bathroom in the middle of night, running too late at night or too early. They're just miserable fucks who wouldn't sleep in a soundproof room and are just looking for a target for their misery. We are all telepathic and empathic, negative thoughts themselves are irritating "noise" we hear at the deepest levels our being. "My feet"/my subconscious were loosing months of psychic pollution being directed through the floor at us.
  Why do we speak at all? I mean we can send pictures, thoughts, words, emotions, feelings to one another without uttering a sound. Turns out sound is mostly used to block out/stomp out the quieter sounds of telepathy and empathy. We hum to ourselves to sooth ourselves with the healing vibes of our own voices. In a world fed and sustained on fear and control, we are in pain from birth and sound distracts us from the pain being administered on psychic levels of the sound spectrum.
    The best we can be to ourselves is to live on the fringes of society unless we become breatharians who can maintain a physically comfortable state of being without clothing and shelter. The problem with the fringes of society is that it is mostly occupied by those who are ANTI-social. They're hateful of everyone. I don't want to be amongst the hateful, that would be just as bad as being in society. Maybe we can draw something different once we are relieved of fear and anti-social tendencies ourselves. Self-loving people might just be out there as well. Who knows? It's coming down to: the only way to save the Earth it's self is to walk away from humanity completely.

Desires spawn personalities

 Seriously. Every desire spawns a personality. We desire something because without realizing we are perceiving lack within ourselves, so we must then become something we believe we are not: we spawn another personality to become the vibration match of that which we believe we desire. So, as a child you may wish you were like such and such super hero, a personality is spawned. You wish you were like your mother; a personality is spawned. The average human being as many, many personalities, some we may never see actively but they are there drawing the people and things we may not like or may simply feel lack in the presence of. So, yes, in a way desire is the root of suffering, but it is a normal response to a young one in a big world where our smallness and inexperience do not adequately reflect our qualities, leading to a perception of lack. Just like PTSD, you put a normal, healthy brain in this world, you're going to get someone with PTSD...same with desire: you put a healthy, whole complete soul in this world and you're going to get the desire for things and self to be different.  The cure is awakening, enlightenment, embodiment and all-out clearing. Take alot of dedication to turn into someone whose full time job is simply to "love what arises within us" and trust in our eternal immortal innocence.

Our only job in this life

What do I think about lately? Those moments when I knew I did not have to do or be anything and I could just look at someone and appreciate their beauty, wide open appreciation of a feature, a gesture, a talent, a grace.....to trace the lines of a back, a neck, a cheek, a brow..... when they weren't trying to do or be anything, when all we know and feel is our eternal innocence in full presence..........

  Our only job in this life is to make choices in alignment with what feels good to that presence at the core of our being: eternal, all-knowing, completely aware, innocence. Only it..... it's joy, delight, affection and appreciation....... is relevant to our experience. 

Sovereignty-further in

    This path is the turning of one's self "inside out": that which was governing consciousness becomes the "subconscious" and that which was "subconscious" becomes governing consciousness.  Because this shift is made during a single physical experience within time and space, that which is now subconscious has all the attention it needs from that which was once in it's place and now serves as governing consciousness. So, all is conscious and aware of all in every moment with the responsibility of the governing consciousness to make sure awareness, love, compassionate "I know" understanding be given in sincerity to every response and reaction. Loyalty and commitment and faithfulness to the "inner kingdom" of subconscious absorbs our focus more than anything outside us in order to see the success of a life-long harmonious relationship. It becomes our romantic relationship, in a sense, for the separation of the aspects in order to sustain physical experience is necessary....so far anyways.

    So, even after "the powers that be" grant you your sovereignty, they really don't think you want it because they don't want it. They believe it to be a quaint little request of something silly like a hair ornament, not really changing anything. So, you did in deep, claim your spine and stand in it. The psychic huffs and puffs and ominous warnings and feelings of urgency need reminding: "I'm on the path of greatest allowance and alignment, I have all the time in the world, this is my focus, no I'm not settling in order to something. no I'm not playing punching bag for someone else's issues in order to help them for you......" and on and on it goes. They'll bring the threat right to your door even and see how you do. "I have nothing to fear but can accept it if it works out for you". I remember the glow of radiance that dissolves all evil when a threat exists of which I am not aware. Not being PTSD, on high alert, it's like a dog whistle: we do not hear the screams of incoming evil, there is no resonance for "danger". Stand in it.They'll even try to take credit for your own liberation if you let them, which you cannot even allow as if giving them a token trinket.They receive it as they gave you your sovereignty....it only means something to them to gloat "over you"....and over means psychic overshadowing. It's a subtle dance of dis-allowance without resistance: a simple lack of permission.
    As this one goes through this process it's relief of realization "I'm in full alignment!" felt at the same moment aspects within scream like voices on a drowning ship off in the distance. There is ecstasy like after surgery and years of pain....pain is gone but discomfort and pain from the surgery that removed it is present and you don't mind it because this pain brought relief and won't be nearly as long lived. Woke knowing something preventing whole body alignment was removed but I can't remember what it was and don't want to look for it and call it back again. At this point I've gained enough insight to share to be OK with certain details not registering in the brain.
   I know deeper how we are seasonal beings and meant to exist like "ships passing in the night"....we observe one another with wide open appreciation until there isn't. One might be in a season of liking a cuddle bunny until their personal spring hits and they're rabid rabbits. The thing with sex is this: a woman takes in a man's DNA/his consciousness and it radiates back to him even after a thousand miles have placed them at a distance. She is contending with his consciousness, expanding hers or expanding his until the process is finished and the changes we make in one another might go unrecognized, though some are aware enough to mention a year later: "Now I know what you meant!".......not even aware of where the credit goes, to the one receiving or the "sperm donor". If a consciousness refuses to evolve within a woman it can be ejected from her system. If it has potential one parent is resisting, it will be born to embody the expansion where the parent can't or won't do it. That may take someone else's DNA to be contributed/another sperm or egg donor for it to reach it's highest potential of success in embodiment. So, it radiates it's self into the new donor from any cell holding the original DNA, across time and space, even to physically incarnate.
  Things to be conscious of: those who get a high out of healing will seek out sickness, see sickness in anything or draw it into you to embody so they can get their kick and feel good feeling of elation at accomplishment. Those who say they can take it when you know they're out of resonance.....they WILL resent you. And while it won't hurt you permanently, it doesn't feel good and is brings you out of alignment temporarily. If it's an expanse you accept, you'll get more of. So, an end to "whatever floats your boat, I'll get what I want out of regardless". Not worth the cost when your target doesn't require it. For those of us who tend to expand on everything we're presented with, expressing it may bring injury as the party upon whose beliefs, thought tracks, experiences you've expanded resent your ability, aren't ready to leave it, or feel their condemnation in not themselves getting it. Doesn't feel good so a gracious acceptance and change of focus (walking out/away without excuses or explanation) is appropriate. Especially if they identify themselves as healers or teachers, sent to save, heal, educate or inform. Were appreciating until we aren't becomes the golden rule. And remembering: only a practicing sovereign can bring sovereignty anywhere. It's presence is all that is needed for the briefest of moments for the energy to be shared.
   Was wondering why I couldn't summon a sense of the feeling of "companionable" within me.....it's because it is associated with a sense of security in numbers. Any chain is only as strong as it's weakest link......whomever you "connect with"  is going to have their weaknesses linked to yours and whomever's weaknesses are greatest will determine the strength of that relationship...as well as your own.
  As I witness others getting "sealed in" to their new circumstances for their new seasons I tend to feel left out and lacking until I realized: I go SO much further, SO much deeper, turning away from so many circumstances no longer resonant as my energy changes daily, even more often on certain days...I'm not yet sealed in completely so I cannot be sealed into circumstances, unless I choose to by giving up on the clarification and embodiment process, thinking I'll have to settle. Nope, I have a goal, a base I want to work from this moment on, we can count on synchronicity, even if we think it's late in coming. Standing in it, standing in it, eyes on the prize or pleasant distractions to be integrated into experiences of a later date. We've got this!