Who is the problem?

     For so many of us, we got the idea that we were the problem. Whether it was someone else who told us we were the problem or it began as an idea of ourselves simply because the world was not responding as we thought it should...... when we become overwhelmed by the idea that we are the problem, we are subconsciously driven to become the problem. Some of us get so consumed by it, we create problems in the absence of them, all the while blaming someone or something else because, in fact, that is where the problem began: conflict with the world around us.
     We CAN make a liar out of that idea by opening up to where we did indeed become and create problems, owning it, while also devoutly owning where we are NOT the problem....appropriately disowning the label.
     We may not know where to begin on our own. This where books CAN help so long as we know we can take what serves and leave the rest. Don't believe everything you read, but take it into consideration when it does seem to make sense. The good thing about books is that we usually do not take anything "said" in them personally, as we so often might when being confronted with information one-on-one. Sometimes we can be more objective when reading than in conversation. It can be an effective way to take our power back.
     Some things we can read up on: cult recovery, non-violent communication, science of the meme, freeing the mind. The idea is to grasp the principles and apply them to every relationship; whether that be the cult within where one aspect dominates the rest, conflict in personal relationships, relationship with governing bodies, social organizations, teacher/student relations......anything and anyone we are in relationship with: is relevant to our experience and daily interactions.
    In virtually every conflict, BOTH sides are the problem to some degree in some respect. Even if it is simply by participating and thus enabling the relationship, we are to some degree responsible for it. Every victim is thus an auser and every auser a victim. They are not mutually exclusive.

PTSDiscernment-

I've already posted how the trigger for my recovering from post traumatic stress disorder was the explanation that this is what happens to a healthy brain that has experienced trauma.
Then it is given to me "out of the blue" to entertain the idea that "flashbacks" are subconscious communications of "what is in your experience feels like........(insert previous trauma)". 
So, for example, a war vet may not intellectually be able to grasp that their marriage, family, community relationships are war zones (as well as reflections of our inner workings/self talk). The subtle body is freaking out because it is being assaulted energetically, subliminally, so it sends the message: we're being assaulted. The only images the mind can grasp as reason for intense fight, freeze or flight are actually wars they have been in.
If this be true, "healing" of PTSD can occur if we re-label it PTSDiscernment and can educate exactly how it is we are living in a "culture of rape". The culture is what needs a cure, not the people subjected to it." 

A great seal has gone out

There's a point to this story-----
When I was in labor with my third child, it was all natural (no painkillers, nerve blockers,epidurals, etc). Someone was present that I did not want to be there to begin with. So when that individual attempted to 'help', I simply and quietly stated as nice and reasonable as I could muster, knowing I was the one in pain and not wanting to take it out on them unreasonably; "Please do not do that, it is driving me crazy". They were so very offended. This surprised me, but they were very immature.
The mother of one of my niece's bit her mother's hand, stories come of women doing all kinds of yelling, cursing, acts of violence.....
Labor is painful. Some are responsible for themselves and some just project and strike out.
Spiritual, emotional, intellectual labor is no different, male or female. Some of us expand, grow, taking responsibility for their own discomfort while taking in the "offense" from those unwilling and/or unable to grow with them, appreciate the self-control it takes to be considerate during their darkest hours. Mostly, however, people yearn for inner peace, for better circumstances, praying fervently. When the vessel comes to deliver what is needed to trigger the labor with a different perspective, response, choice of actions, etc. they strike out. Instead of apologizing, their pride keeps them from acknowledging they struck out where they shouldn't have. They then demonize the vessel and their actions, take credit for their own growth and act in accordance with the gift while remaining hollow and becoming even more swallowed up by darkness (denial), making their condition even worse than they began with.
A great seal has gone out and sounded in the heavens. Those who want their vessels conditioned will agree to prevent the striking out from happening, preserving the "messenger vessel's " sense of safety. That way resistance will no longer continue to exist in the "messenger vessels" and the messages can be delivered much more gently. No longer will they be "sent" across the "oceans". The vessels to be conditioned must be made the seekers and go out to the messenger vessels. They have reached their relief and maturity.
That is the illustration given to me this evening, whether for my own individual sense of comfort from my own inner being or an actual universal declaration, we shall see. ;)

When money represents justification for one's existence

     I was wondering why a weekly appointment triggered so much resentment in me, PTSD fight/flight/freeze responses. Instead of getting back into the workforce full time, I chose to ease my way back in to avoid overwhelming and burnout. Thus, my employment income is supplemented with TANF (welfare). In order to receive it, I have to go in person every week to waste paper with accounting for my time and acknowledging it with a signature......as if a paycheck stub is not enough.
    When we seek self-determination, empowerment, to leave the realm of abusive relationships, on each of these fronts the key is given: stop explaining yourself, feeling a need to justify your choices. Once one gets re-aligned with that quality of natural sovereignty, anything that smells like being demanded of for an explanation or justification is immediately recognized by the subconscious. It is so insidious in our culture, comes in so many guises, we may not recognize it. Being on welfare and having to account for your time (justify yourself) is just a more obvious violation of those who are receiving welfare probably because they have suffered the most extreme traumas our society has to offer.
    We have the right to life, and by extension, the right to anything needed to sustain it. That's why even if we have the money to pay them, bills hurt. We have the money (the evidence of justified right) to continue to avail ourselves of a service (electric, the roof over our head, etc). When you apply for a job, you are presenting evidence to justify employment to get the money to pay the bills. You are explaining your choices to prove your right to life (no money for food, no food, you die: you lose your right to life). We're trained to do so from childhood, not just in obvious "Why did you do that?!" from exasperated parents, but to not so obvious such as in school; having to "show your work". So many aspects of daily life in mainstream society are traumatic and those of us who are sensitively aware of it, truly empowered with natural sense of sovereignty, are deemed "weak", irresponsible, lazy, etc......accused of not having their shit together. Turns out they ARE the stronger.
 
   So, I loved the parts of myself feeling violated.........and suddenly I was relieved of the weekly appointment.

Distancing Self from Standing Rock

    Seeds from the new, from the Rainbow Tribe, have been planted. What takes root shall live. That which didn't shall wither or go out with a bang (and who wouldn't want to go out with a bang if they had to go out? ;)  ).
    So much pain at the separation, ritual shall be required, a FB friends list thinned out and information highways un-followed. A mourning of what is beautiful (pageantry of headdresses and feathers)  as it takes what is ugly with it (the black snake, dysfunctional patriarchy and a whole system of rape and abuse....it's overwhelming shall be no victory).
   I spoke with a neighbor who sympathizes with the other side. The officers and agents tortured emotionally in having to face the protectors; their wives and family and neighbors will support annihilation of the protectors so that they may ease the pain of conscience of the officers, soldiers and agents. This neighbor reported how she saw on "news" reports that people in the camps were starving and freezing to death. That means the stage has been set. "For the good of the people in the camps", the feds will step in and "fight the extremists who won't let the innocents save themselves from the devastating cold". The loss of prayerful, peaceful lives will be blamed on the supposed extremists and those who suffer from conscience shall be quieted by what "tickles the ears": some had to be lost in the crossfire because the worst had convinced them to stay. We've lived through Waco and Ruby Ridge; whiteness does not matter to the feds.
   And yes, the ripples shall create waves and consciousness will change. These are the birth pains. The new is on it's way.......we are not protesters or protectors, we are respecters and She blossoms under our affection....
  The Earth is just fine. Her surface can be raped and pillaged and made stark naked. She will wait until we have all suffocated and then burst forth with life; evolved, intuitive and respectful of her....she needs no protection, only affection, delight and appreciation.

It is also our differences that make us equal, for no two people are 100% the same.

                               It is our differences that make us equal, for no two people are the same.
We have been raised in a climate of thinking that it's all or nothing; you either stand with us 100% or you're against us. It's a black and white world out there on many fronts. Under that perception life can seem so limited and so full of enemies. That can be intimidating and fear is dis-empowering. We feel cornered and frustrated with everything. What they don't tell us is that we have this gift of discernment and we are allowed to use it. When we use it, we empower ourselves. We see friends everywhere, some who might differ slightly in only one area but a fellow human being just the same.
       Life is like a buffet. We are not required to eat everything on it just because we have purchased permission to access it. Just because we choose not to put peas on our plate, the cook does not come storming out of the kitchen, kicking us out of the restaurant, complaining "You don't like me! Fine! No eating from the buffet I prepared!".  We don't go see the peas on the buffet and wage war on kitchen staff for their being there. We simply choose something we DO want to eat.
     Every evening I see the deer come into town to graze. Where we are told to keep our children away for a few days and warning signs are up because the grass has just been sprayed with weed killer, the deer are eating. Then the deer leave town come morning to return to places where they may be hunted. Those who hunt are eating those deer whose bodies are polluted with chemicals. One does not have to be anti-hunting to allow for the idea of a bit of environmental consciousness to be considered a good thing. You don't have to feed your children toxic deer meat just because another wants feds to come in. Conversely, to want a bit more of environmental consciousness does not mean one has to support the federal government owning everything. Taking authority from locals puts in the hands of those whose children aren't swimming in our rivers, drinking from these waters and eating food grown on this land: they aren't going to be as invested in it, know it or understand what it needs.
  If we learn to make peace with the existence of the buffet and our fellow restaurant patrons, the need for bigger forces to come in to break up and settle things is diminished. Does a like of peas really qualify as reason to dehumanize our neighbors, belittle their appetites, abuse them intellectually, emotionally and even physically in extreme frustration with an all or nothing perception of what it means to be at a buffet? Do you really want to be seen as threat and a bully, less than a reasoning capable human being?
  Listening to our neighbor's concerns doesn't mean we have to give up our entire stockpile of world views. Just because a part of another's world view challenges us, it does not mean we have to give up on being human.  Conceding a point or two does not make us traitors to all of who we believe ourselves to be. It might actually set US free as individuals, empowering and affirming our own ability to think critically/discerningly. A different perspective can be an asset, an opportunity to add to our own wealth of knowledge and understanding of the ways of things. We aren't required or expected to know everything! That's where other perspectives come in handy. We can set ourselves free from fear, frustration and the illusion of being surrounded by enemies. We are ALL surrounded by fellow human beings who just want some peace and the freedom to just breath, knowing we truly have access to everything we need and feeds our idea of what happiness means.
   It is also our differences that make us equal, for no two people are 100% the same.

Who are "They"?

  Just as each drawing I draw, each word I write, each action I take, each choice I make is only one expression of that which I call me and/or any consciousness working within this vessel I call me........every person, animal, tree and leaf is an expression of the Earth and it's perceptions expressed as states of being.
  When we speak of other people, other beings, we may know them and be addressing a single perspective they are expressing. So, when it was I was speaking of an intention of a group of people, I spoke of "it". At the core of every person is the deep desire to be at peace and so they project the least peaceful perspective active in them. They voice that which has the greatest need to find rest. Thus "They" are not one perspective. A provocative person can also be very, tender, nurturing and affectionate in safe spaces (places they perceive as safe). So "They" are not provocative. The state of being they are expressing is and that state of being exists to some degree in every human being. Thus, to address "it" honors the state of being/perspective being addressed while honoring the rest of that person as one who is as passionate about gaining their own inner peace as we.
   Every human being, being an expression of the Earth's multiple perceptions, is our Mother in expression. She speaks to herself and her various aspects with our mouths. The more open and allowing we are of "They" in what scares "them", the more we serve our Mother Earth in finding resolution amongst her own perspectives. Honor everyone we meet, especially those in conflict, as such and we bring our Mother and thus all of humanity and life on this planet peace.

Teaching history:developing

     Tonight I got the sense of what it means to teach history to our children.
     Some say that teaching history prevents us from repeating it while others teach that teaching history makes us doom to repeat it.
     If we resonate with that which we focus on, then those who teach that studying history makes us doom to repeat it are correct.
    If we do not resonate with what we are observing, then it is taught we would not be doomed to repeat it.
   As children we are born blank slates in residual DNA.
    The blank slate creates a resonance, making DNA irrelevant. If one was to place a European ancestry child in a wilderness with no teachings, that child would resonate with that wilderness knowing it's self as nothing but Indigenous.
     Instead, it is required by law that we teach our children history. While being taught history, these children are taught to self-identify with that history. The blank slate is thus painted over with identification with either perpetrator or victim according to skin.
     In observer mode one does not identify with race and can indeed learn from history. Such a one gains perspective in the mind which validates intuition/inner knowing/soul/oneness
    In the case of one in observer mode, race is irrelevant except for coming to understand the whys and hows of separation. .We come to understand the differences of perspectives. We come to understand that what is considered a privilege for one race is is a deprivation and thus resentment/weakness of another race.
      There are so many implications.............some will get the sense of them, others will need instruction.......and so it is in developement/in need of a spelling out....as I breath it all in and breathe it all out......

End of the existential crisis

This will be brief: with end comes integration which means all the discomforts of transmutation. These include exhaustion, nausea, muscle weakness, etc for me.
    Basically it came to me in the illustration of the one known as "Jesus" most popularly. He was known as God, the Son of God, "Rabbi", etc.
    We struggle with being known as "awakened" or "ascended" and/ or "master". We struggle with whether or not to e paid highly. We struggle with not being acknowledged for who or what we are.
    Another human being or even a spirit dis-incarnate can only recognize what shows up on their radar. If their radar only goes as "high" as healer, well then that is as "high" a being we shall be allotted in their experience. If "awakened" or "ascended" people are only known to be "virginal" figures who speak in vague/etheric illustrations, no one who could possibly have had sexual intercourse and is "earthy"/plain speaking could never surpass "nice person".
   So, mankind places limitations and conditions on their own ability to believe. One who insists on being recognized as a "Master" places conditions and limitations on their own ability to serve.
   To some, I shall e a woman with whom they feel a connection. This is them resonating with my interconnection. Some won't even recognize that much. Some will believe as much of me as their belief system allows. To them I might a "chosen one of God". Those who believe in healers will believe me as such. Those who believe we are all divine sparks will see me as a lively one, and so on.
   Jesus made salve of mud to cure the blind. Not because the mud had magical properties, but because the blind people in these cases could only perceive a "medicine man". For a Roman leader who believed him a healer with authority who could order a healing from a distance, Jesus did just that. For others who believed in our own divinity, they heard and preached the same message, to which his apostles complained "He's not one of us!".
    End of existential crisis: be O.K. with being seen, recognized, acknowledged for only so much according to the recipient's ability to believe. No matter what, we are planting seeds. Seeds of experience need time to take root and grow. They WILL return to "their vomit", ut that does not mean a healing was wasted. It lives on in them.
Let it go and let it grow ;)

Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat

    Someone said to me yesterday: "You look so good! So well rested!". Yup, back up to my normal weight so that my face looks youthfully full and yes, I have had no other inclination but to get enough sleep. My existence has come down to "Eat, sleep, rinse, repeat" except for those occasional appointments/interruptions required by a system bent on making sure we do not have healthy sleeping patterns: a quality of every abuser everywhere, especially the elite system creators who have studied the effects of sleep deprivation. Did you know passive aggressive abusers will be late or not show for everything just to be in control of everything? Of course they learned to do so as victims subconsciously acting in self-defense....everyone's story.
   So, one of those appointments came up unplanned due to a 'mistake' someone else had made. I was in a funk. The moment I inwardly defended my right to be in a funk when I need to be: (shit! 'tis the inward season, we're supposed to be doing some degree of hibernating!)....an alternative perception came in and like a child given an ice-pop(hte sucker, pacifier popular with our neighborhood children), I forgot my funk. I went out and had fun. Thankfully with restraint, because, of course.... it was false fun. My consciousness triggers the highest in others who return to their lowest as soon as my presence is gone. Which means tasks entrusted to them are always full of "mistakes" when unsupervised by me. So, I inwardly voiced my lack of like for having to "put on a pretty face"/be in my highest state of being/out of my funk just to get food on the table for my children and a roof over their head. Yet I did it, I thought I participated in up-building shit until I revisited how quickly I was enthusiastically thanked and dismissed. My energy is wanted for the blessings it bestows, but not my presence for the depth it requires to remain in it's presence without an inward travel.
   Back to sleep and a sweet feeling dream. Of course it felt sweet as I'm in a "higher" state of being. This is where the intuitive/psychic healers are mislead. "Energy never lies" they assert. True. True at the same time is that those existing on more pure/clear vibes have "lower" vibes flying below their radar. That's when they have to entrust their brains with the lists of symptoms that one can use to trigger an alert system. It smells good because I smell good and goodness is thus all I can smell, but it does such and such and so I must decline......The new Earth/World is not a heart-based age. It is a core-based age. That means we experience the highest of feelings while using discernment when overwhelmed by "love and light" because we are flying too high to use anything other than an analytic brain for discernment. So the core triggers the brain to think. We collect a repertoire of psychic "smells"  for discernment and they do aid us until we are so full of love, we are incapable of "smelling" anything "lower" than us. One can get drunk on love, letting narcissistic abusers in.
  The dream went a bit like this:
In my traveling I hooked up with a young guy. We were hanging out at a type of social club to which he was a local. It was revealed he is 22 years old. He had decided he wanted to go to Africa to help as an activist for women's rights. An aunt figure shot him in the stomach to prevent his leaving (oh, so common in this patriarchal system: "hurt someone bad enough and they will not leave"...as if! but it must work for someone somewhere or it would not be so regular.....). His father was part of the rescue team. His father was not the type to interfere with his son's choices even if he disagreed with them. He didn't have to: the aunts took care of that shit. (The passive-aggressive will often remain silent as long as they have a feminine figure to enact their aggression/displeasure for them. They only appear to be benevolent). While my lover was recovering I returned to the social club for a drink. A "bar tender" noticed four gold coins spilling out of my bag; tokens I had earned for being there. The "bar tender" showed me each coin was worth a carton of cigarettes. a "benevolent" auntie figure said "Oh, no", as if it was not good enough and began to point out as if pouring out "the best" choices that which was far, far less. (Story of my life: follow their rules, prove myself according to their guidelines and get refused entrance anyways....I think we'll hold onto our coins).
   The four coins represent four sheets of paper I left completely filled out except for a signature and the word "office" which were needing filling in as instructed so very clearly. In real life, this was the "mistake" which was made: "office" was replaced with "crisis line". This forced me out of my sleep pattern producing a funk and spending a "good time" with those whose intentions to help the abused is simply a ruse. I was quickly exorbitantly thanked and dismissed.  (Auntie shooting 'him' in the stomach)
Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat...played with local deer, bunnies and ooooo fox revealed it's self to me finally
 Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat...I went shopping.
 Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat..my daughter pulled the biggest knife in the drawer out and began to run down the hall as I came in to send other children home (holy shit!). 'It's the correct instinct to remove the presence of those who make us feel bad about ourselves (little kids didn't want to play with her as her brother decided she was the enemy in their video game role-playing), and the best way to achieve that is to leave them and to tell a parent. Pulling the biggest knife in the drawer, however, is not the solution. This is not a video game where the one stabbed gets back up again. You might accidentally kill a child which means they will lay down and never get up again, their parent will never see them again. We need your warrior, we need the one who is protecting you from opinions that hurt you. The warrior does that best by walking away.' My daughter says "I love you" and resumes her day in peace, relieved of all the self-condemning and blaming mumbling alternating she had begun as usual doing. The younger children were going home with their impotent parent anyways (impotent because the parent says no or make requests and the child does as they will, no matter how disrespectful, anyways).
Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat.
Held space for the neighbor whose mother just got dragged out of neighbor's apartment for hiding out from a drunk driving accident conviction...neighbor is hardly more than a teen....whole rug of her existence pulled out from under her. She still believes in justice in this system and confuses informing of alternative perception she'll likely be facing while acknowledging her perspective is correct is received as opposition. Youth has no wisdom to allow for the informing of what the opposition will be playing as a card. Then they lament being surrounded by "enemies".
 Dealt with my children who were rushed inside by a neighbor when the police pulled up. Found my son hiding under the couch (sissy had raised it so he could get under while she dropped a cloth hanging from a wall to cover herself). Traumatized by a cop showing up for something not even involving us because "law enforcement"/might is right..is embodied by the social workers they had governing us when I was in a nursing home sick and no family would claim them. My children explained "We did not know if you told them  you had no children (to take way)"......"Not for us, just better to not be around because cops inspire fear".
Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat.
Opportunity to offer validation of perspective without presenting what they'll face for opposition happens. Neighbor is sweet.
Sleep, eat, rinse, repeat.......'tis the season for crazy.
Spend wake time crying. My heart honest and open with no capacity for anger or resentment. Whole life unschooling group demonstrates my inability to entertain the hit and run advertising technique, even if in the end they're attempting to appear supportive of whole life unschooling. Comparing a woman's leg hair to cancer? So hurtful to protect the insecure ego! My boss had been so nurturing of narcissists over the damage they did to true victims because that is what she most identified with. She allowed them to steal from her while giving no mercy to true victims of them. She then chose to leave us for a job in police enforcement because she could not choose her conscience. I know when she is called as National Guard against citizens in protest against abuse, I will be the first one she maces from behind her riot gear as the embodiment of her conscience. I won't be surprised when the entire organization we worked for shuts down as false veneers of helping the victims are relinquished to egos unable to face the conscience. Oh, yes, my heart is open to nothing but crying as I witness the hurt people cause to one another on the most subtle of levels while comprehending why they do so.
Sleep, eat,rinse (take a stiff drink), repeat (and hope we last the winter here......)
We are inspired to action (help the women in Africa) and are shot in the stomach (by auntie figures as correction) and then choose something else entirely. Some might thus ridicule our inspiration to help the African women. What it is is this: we accept the correction from 'higher' aspects' while not condoning the method used to direct us. There is always a third option and we are those will take it. We shall end up where least expected that is core-directed and perfectly  synchronized in every moment!
As we sleep, eat, eat, rinse and repeat, we are embodying the answers to our prayers: oneness with god, upgrading our DNA, wholeness and healing........ sleep, eat, make a difference, rinse and repeat.....sleeping every chance we claim.
Sleep, eat, rinse repeat.....it's snowing, I laundered my sheets...it's the "spirits of the air" we nail while "making pretty" with humanity......

Another Existential Crisis

  At least I've finally learned how to handle it gracefully, lol
That time of year again! Everyone is falling apart around me.......... runs to the emergency room so the kids are with their sitter who suddenly has to go to the emergency room, too. I had an appointment today, but she is in the emergency room as well. The 12:12 gate is nearing, which means my immortal lover is, too.........."He" who wants to be embodied by me but hates me true......
  With a word I can end it for them..... the pain, the fear, the lack of knowledge and understanding......Every single one. If they would let me. And of those who do? They return to their ways of thinking, believing, perceiving that made them sick to begin with. And so my bitterness sets in. What is the use?
  There came a day I had no control over it. It just happened. Everything and everyone I spoke to, touched: immediate change in their conditions. Then it slowly dissipated. The demons drawn to the immense energies left with it, my confusion over the attacks going with it.......
  This time of another year I tested it: I consciously chose to offer to help with a migraine and it left. Ah, so it had not dissipated, I had been given authority over it. I got to choose. Shall I choose only those who would do the work to draw it forth from within, make the changes within themselves that would let that healing live?
  Oh, but then I am condemning them. They would have to go through what I went through: awakening after awakening to various aspects. They would have to be looking straight into the face of that which twisted them and own it. Hunger, homelessness, loss of relationships......I am thus an angel of death...can I be O.K. with me?
     I am she who is soft and sweet and rabid..........
     The shame and ridicule of my "silliness", my silliness fighting back with hatred, fear and it's own disdain......persecution from the disembodied aspect from without and within as I fight "him" for self-ownership, self-determination while I crave the wholeness, "his" strength......
  All the while suffering I can relieve continues........
  So what form shall my stepping up take then? Market myself, ask for recommendations...cheap parlor tricks, marketing, the making of a commodity out of me, my energy....disdain for those who want to become followers, discomfort with worship. Then you get those who just want a low-level psychic, who do not listen when you tell them not to pursue....they once were me and so I've reached the maturity to accept and love those who are looking, the seekers and then I am reminded of those who refuse, who want a moment of improvement but are too attached to being sick and helpless...disdaining the gift I have given....who or what would they be/do if they weren't the handicapped, the needy one? Fear of what would I be? Oh, yes, I have been there, too. So, love and accept.......feel no shame for when I forget, for forget I will indeed, that's the first thing that happens, it seems. So far from us goes the un-well being, we forget it even existed. I'll have to remember to remind me and feel no shame when accusations of "hypocrite!" come from within me. Soften the beast I must embody to be whole, to be all I can be.
  There's a bad moon on the rise......will you allow me to take YOUR life?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUQiUFZ5RDw

Maybe I'll just let all the thoughts slide, simply allow, and trust: "I've got this!"

I'm in love!

     I had someone tell me how they loved their spouse, their spouse was the only one they felt safe having sex with, that they were living separate because there were things about each other they didn't do so well living with. They love one another but are not "in love" with one another.
     This being in love has been a theme for me the past few days and I remembered my lessons on who and what is responsible for our feelings......not limited to emotional feelings like anger, fear, happiness, but also feelings that are more experienced as sensations. Synchronistically, someone else mentioned not being in love and this is what I answered:
    I was given to reflect on this "in love" thing the past few days. If it be true that all our feelings are ours and no one else is responsible for them.....if others can only be participants in circumstances that serve as facilitators in triggering feelings in us, our expansion in these feelings/dimensions/facets of us being embodied.....well, then "in love" is one of them and I can summon it in any given moment, embody it perpetually if something else I'm embodying doesn't diminish it....and so I did....I summoned the feeling of being "in love" having a smoke with my morning coffee. In this way, I experience being in love every day. If I choose to embody it in another's presence and allow them to share in it's eminence from within me, it triggers theirs and causes it to spread, increase among those who no longer project to infect more and more of our shared reality. We could invite oneanother without attachment, condition, dependency, expectation to be "in love" with(alongside) us..."today, will you be in love with me?"

I'm in love with you already!

Time dissolved

  I woke this morning with my 'expanded self' coming in with the comment "Another day, my goodness they are so repetitive!", lol This was followed by the reflections of the relationship between the eternal non-physical and limited physical aspects. The physical would normally react insecurely, getting offended at the eternal's observations. Throughout the day I 'smelled' ideas that would have normally been embodied with angst experienced due to them: must be ready to respond within a certain amount of time, etc. I did not embody them, however. I chose to let them go instead. The physical still experiences a bit of sense of lack as oneness is embodied with the eternal aspect every day upon waking, but the relationship is open, communication honest, compassion extended between both aspects. Talk about walking in another's shoes to gain understanding...how about in their hair, their skin, their heart and brain? Ahhhh, to be a spirit and see it that way! No overlord observing from a distance forcing the acting out of what 'should' happen. No, oneness with consideration for the perspective, lending trust leading to surrender and love flowing unlimited, unconditionally. That is where we are going! The giving up of treasures by each! And in return the physical feels what it feels like to be eternal, outside of time and days and seasons.............
  Along with this, every time I go shopping I get way more than usual for the 'money'. Recently I got the sense of money just swirling about above us in the ethers, just spreading it's self as summoned, drawn in at every opportunity it is given like leaves blowing about in a cyclone on the wind.....

The Power to Imbue

   Some time ago, this time last year probably, I was given to know I had the power to imbue. "What? Like stones?", wondered me. Shall I create protection charms or something? To what avail? I saw no value in imbuing things with qualities I had already. My essence didn't need separating from me. So, I let it rest.
   Under the indigo sky this very evening while being reminded of knowledge people are needing of which I had already written (and damn, I hate having to be repeating) it came to me: I could imbue this reality. A 'chill' of recognition went up my spine. To imbue my reality with intelligence, loyalty, my own level of self-awareness, health and well-being, crisp, clean, clear waters, a healthy environment, the serenity that lives in me.......shudder after shudder up my spine and throughout my body......imbuing one's reality.......quite a fascinating possibility!

Dreamscape: earthworm implant, 'green card' marriage, vehicles maintaining

  I spent some time on the edge of sleep experiencing this scenario......
The masculine energies looking after me had taken a part of a worm from the arm of the one coming to our country and implanted it in me. It was so he would be drawn to me, know where to find me, like a tracking method. It would also prove to authorities he had a right to be here, an authentication thing. At first it was unobtrusive, it began to grow and wiggle becoming uncomfortable and now is big, lively and hurting. Now I'm asking.
  During this time I'm given to take care of two vehicles and the masculine entities are proud and complimentary about my handling of them, the choices I'm making for them.
  In the physical my fortitude and surety in my perspective is being tested and challenged. The spirits coming to inhabit those around me, uncomfortable for me to be around. One example is a family in crisis. A man comes and is instigating toward a sick little girl: "smile for me, I love your smile, so pretty".....it's not all about you, dude and we females were not put on this earth to smile for you on demand I observe, so used to such men I no longer get offended or angry about their selfishness......then a hawk appears overhead, circling. Hawks have become a sign for me and so I allow my spirit to match the soaring, graceful serenity of the hawk's soaring. The man says to hawk "Oh, you see something you are wanting". Suddenly this man is all "Mr. Healer", laying his hand on the babe's head, looking all reflective. My presence is perceived as threatening to entities inhabiting those around me and when that happens, life feels treacherous. I get angry looks for casual conversation, being understanding, compassionate, etc. The advancement is this: I no longer doubt me, fear the spark of energy of anger they get, no longer think I am crazy or misreading those around me! Yay! No more shame, self doubt or insecurity!
     I've no longer been looking at men as potential romantic interests. I simply wait until what I am given to say sends them off into 'thinking deeply', awakening or to 'wrestle with their angels/demons'. Just the routine of one choosing embodiment, no personal attachment or investment looked for or expected.
   This is the second time earthworms have figured into my spirit language to my conscious mind (dreamscape). In between, I've been absentmindedly 'rescuing' earthworms that have wandered out of the grass after the rains, now that I think of it.
   From the dream I simply get that yes, some aspects of life are uncomfortable for me, everyone around me is mixing up in each other's emotional energy, experiencing crisis, etc and I feel every bit of it empathically. They're highly conscious (thankfully!), thoughtful, loving, attentive but untrained in what to do with all of it.Then there are the challenges of power and certainty. I choose my intuition, to stand in the perspective I am given; an unmoveable mountain simultaneously a flowing river of energy and emotion, compassion and understanding. Multi-faceted embodiment! The highest potential of humanity!
  At the same time, I am complimented, appreciated and have that expressed to me. I am nurtured and flowing in loving feelings. I feel good about me!
   I'm also expecting to be the training ground vessel of an 'alien' masculine spirit whose arrival is imminent.

Undermining Power

      I was always confused and thrown off, heartbroken and devastated, thinking something was wrong with me as a pattern kept repeating in my experience. I just wasn't getting something and it was leaving me feeling persecuted, evil, a poison to everyone and everything I would be included in. A part of me refused to believe it because I approached everything sincerely and innocently with love in my heart and understanding and acceptance of others my only intentions.
     Then this morning, I was given to see.
      The pattern was this: I would seek a spiritual teacher and family. I would get the hang of things. I would then get expanded understandings and share them delightedly. They were met with aggression and intentional undermining and demonizing of me. I would enter a secular field and experience the same thing. I developed a persecution complex with a chip on my shoulder while refusing to believe in anything but my innocence, a great rift, a great wounding.
     This morning I faced another undermining when I had followed another's example for guidance and allowed synchronicity to deliver the rest to fill in where they had not equipped me. After attending my hurt while basking in the blessed perfection I was given to perform in, the understanding was received by my head that had refused to see me as anything but how I saw me.....truth, perfection, goodness, love, kindness, perceptiveness, understanding, acceptance...these undermine the powers that exist from oppression and 'righteousness'(legislated rightness). They flow right in like water beneath a cliff and wash away it's sandy, fragile foundations exposing 'weaknesses', untruths, 'unrighteousness'. In retaliation, those thus undermined consciously undermine the one coming with goodness, expanding, bringing in more than them. It's tit for tat, eye for an eye, in their minds energetically equal vengeance and thus justice. The truth they seek is perceived as and made into an enemy. In their minds I am being punished fairly.
  That is hard to take, but in understanding comes acceptance....finally. Rift filled in, chip discarded, no longer a victim, no longer naive...still innocent.

New Job, Object lessons ending, new masculine for me

   How's the new job going? I can't tell you, chuckling softly to me. I had become brave and bold, using myself as an object lesson which people found inspiring, an example worth following, a living illustration to convey understanding. Now all that is changing as I face some of the most challenging territory...to be that which I saw was needed when I needed someone like me. Due to confidentiality I can share no details. Even vague references may be too revealing, as I learned on the cab ride this evening. In answering my children's questions, I told them I would be doing so-and-so's job this evening. The cab driver, overhearing, said "Oh, you'll be being dropped off (there) then". Yes, indeed, extreme discretion..I'll have to be highly aware of my conversations. No numbers involved for one could overhear "4 children", know someone who has left an abuser with 4 children and then divulge through a gossip chain just where that party is. So, off I go where you can no longer see all the steps I am taking. I am no longer an object lesson, but an epitome of discretion.
  I am rejoicing how my children not only have playmates outside most days, but even have company come in! The still inner wildling I noticed when we first moved in happens to be one of those new friends. We are in very good company!
  As I reflected and wished this evening a "smell" came wafting to me, of a man who would let me sleep and wake me when I needed,one who was actively supportive of the work I am choosing. I was given to know it is an aspect of me, of course, that has already been there to wake me usually an hour before something comes into my reality I would want to be be awake and fully conscious for. This would be the one responsible for the etheric knocks that wake me, the etheric phone ringing to let me know someone else needs my attention. I am a truly blessed being to be so loved romantically, supportively, nurturingly, one truly interested in me, what I am doing, how I am doing, what I would be wanting and what I am needing. If that is what my inner masculine has become so fully to me, indeed my outer reality will manifest a physical one for me, now that I can "smell" and "see" and feel it so clearly. That's pretty exciting. Now for the recognizing and accepting, lol

A Great Battle for Resources is won!

   The first night I was awakened at 2:30am by an etheric knocking, as if someone had knocked on my bedroom window. The second night I thought I'd may as well just stay up. A bit more tired is preferable to sleep interrupted. Nothing. The third night I was awakened by knocking again and something like a phone ringing but this time I stayed in dreamscape while conscious.......
   I forget the first part except that it was good. The second part I do remember clearly. I was experiencing it from the perspective of one who had just won a great battle, all the entities crowded on a battlefield in very close proximity. The victory gave the winner access to great resources. I came out of it feeling very strong in the body.
 Within the next year's time a change of authority over significant resources will happen. This could mean my inner kingdom has won my health and well-being. This could be grander and mean I will be placed in a position of authority over significant resources. It could be even grander and mean our country, even this world's resources will all be delivered into the hands of those with a consciousness of similarity. On whichever level it be, when any confrontation comes, we can face it with the assurance that energetically, it has already been won.
*dreamscape looked alot like this picture and I am physically a woman, but dang, would have preferred she was wearing something other than red, white and blue on her butt!

Another phase of suspension

     It could be mistaken for depression, but it isn't. Just not over-the-top love, light and wisdom. All a matter of perspective. Memes no longer hold my interest...... Drink lots of water, do alot of meditation, Himalayan sea salt lamps, crystal's, reiki? lol Fuck that shit. Put the kids to bed, get drunk and binge watch Netflix.....for a week. Hope the abuser and kidnapper does not find and break in again.  Let what ever is going on under the surface, the subconscious do what it needs.  And...don't talk to me, lol I might not be 'pretty'...though it's near impossible for me. I can no longer do "ugly", not really. I light up at interactions, rise up in appreciation and love for what stands before me.
      The other day, it could have been yester, lol for the days are strangely passing; a blink or a week or both in the same moment....I felt a pop somewhere low and deep. A pocket of energy associated with children and child-rearing and the need to prepare and teach....leaving. Of course that leaves that space empty and the toxins of it dumped into my system for releasing. The "cat pee" smelling sweat as the body becomes a furnace of hell-fire heat, constant sleep, DNA upgrading, the 'upgrade' that will replace it flowing in, glimpses of pure love without worry. Tested today when a woman asked how my children are at spelling. No sinking feeling. No usual dread; "OMG what if I say the wrong thing?!"...nope! "They have their good and they have their bad days". My children are home schooled and she preluded the question with "That's why I can't home school". Now writing I realize having good and bad days homeschooling is an advantage. Their good day does not HAVE to be on Friday (begin panic attack) or they'll fail their spelling test and get bad grades and never make it into college and won't make money........
  Today: Feeling emptied with nothing to give, but not drained...just not interested.
   The chasing of the carrot. The relationship thing. So many products of bitter divorces where they tried so hard to prevent one another from getting anything.....men who will drive a thousand miles to see a woman but would never fix her car so she could come visit him. 50 and 40 somethings living in castles with everything just so, expensive, shiny...while the woman they are dating has her phone cut off and faces eviction. So far from ubuntu! A man comments: "send me pics". "My phone won't". "You need a better phone". He stops calling. "Well, if you believe I need a better phone, buy me one then!". So full of judgement without a thing to give. They brag of how they did this or that for women....but when they come around to you it;s "Not any more". I can smell them a mile away. Not for me, not anymore. he'll pay to be with me, he'll contribute unconditionally or I'm not even glancing. UBUNTU! Not just for your neighbors, but for the receivers of your seed. How many carpenters have wives without cabinets, but their needy neighbor gets them for free? How many mechanics do work for free while their wives drive a falling apart jalopy?And these men are hailed as icons of generosity. Nothing but carrots on a string, empty promises while being demanding.....Not these men, not for me......
  Riding with a neighbor to get groceries (slaughter the pig and bring home the bacon! heehee says me at request "What are you doing"), my lower back releases, my spine, my shoulders open. I am asked questions; you're asking for age and then birth date..is that not redundant? That's what paperwork and computers are for; to be our memory. I don't much care for these things. As I realize I no longer worry about money or thinking or knowing, tears being to fall...more release, tears of joy, I am free! My co-hort comments how she has been so light headed lately. "Yeah, well, I don't much tell people the reason because they don't want to receive it." She waits for continuation. "The Earth is changing and so are we", I give a mundane explanation about Earth's electromagnetic pull growing and solar flares. She says "Oh, yes, my cell phone HAS been glitchy!". Replies me; "If it's affecting your phone, it's affecting your body". She is is relieved. No hospital run for an emergency. She's light headed, I'm downright giddy. It's as being stoned would be to my imagination. I'm spacey enough without such things. No weed, no frog poison, no latest shamanic medicinal concoction needing. Just open, just free. I SEE, without eyes, I see.
  So it is I have been feeling suspended, experiencing a virtual reality with changes occurring underneath or virtual changes with reality underneath..both simultaneously. Changing, changing, changing for and in my children as within me...a beautiful thing, setting us free. No more inculcating, worry or carrot chasing, nothing but healthy for them and for me.

Self Rape, the emotional version

My response to a person who said it was a stressful time because it is the busy season for their chosen livelihood and so they force themselves to think positive thoughts.......

"Ah, busy time of the year for you, then. Sorry to hear of your experiencing it as stressful. It'd be nice if life came without deadlines and such. I hope it gets easier on you. I understand in light of that why forcing positive thoughts would be considered the chosen option. Funny how we don't make the connections in treating ourselves as we would in treating others. For if we forced "positive attention"/intimacy/making love on another we would call it rape, yet we never consider that maybe in the same way we rape ourselves, our own inner being, our own emotions which are supposed to be the intimate partner/mate to the brain. So we try to force the brain/masculine to force the emotions/feminine to feel a certain way so we can get work done, appear a certain way in public, be considered a certain kind of person in our relationships. Devastating, really, but we haven't been taught another way. "Be nice" "Be strong" "Be polite" "Don't cry" "Be calm" "Be quiet"......they forced us until we learned to force ourselves."

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The pieces fall together finally on my relationship status

    Many years ago I was told my the ministers who were training me that the reason the younger men treated me so badly was because I was intimidating. I was smart and beautiful and men found this intimidating. I had no idea what to do with that information. What does that mean?
    A male domestic violence worker commented after asking my age; "You haven't learned yet?!". Excuse me, I had a grandmother go to her grave still married to the man who raped and impregnated her daughter. I have aunts nearing it still married to abusive men. In my circles, I am way ahead of the game just for knowing enough to leave them!
   In becoming committed to ending the cycle with me and getting to the root causes of domestic violence, I also learned about things like PTSD. I learned about the fight, flight or freeze responses to trauma, to fear.
   It was only today that it all was given to click in my brain: if I am so intimidating to men, their only responses they can have to me is to fight, flee or freeze. Obviously I cannot be in a relationship with some who has fled. One cannot be in a relationship with one who freezes; offers no response, no engagement, no stimulation unless one wants to wilt and die in staying with them: every plant needs watering. So, logically speaking, the only relationships I could have we with those who constantly hurt me.
   If relationships were where we learn about ourselves and where we grow, is it truly any wonder I would have been stunted, immature?
   So now I have learned to be in good relationship with self. Now I know how to be in good relationship with others. Now I understand why it had not been so previously. Now, may it be an end to the "Stacey has never had a good relationship" story. May it be the end to the "woman alone" chapters of my story.

The Enlightened man, the wild man......

    I see memes going around the re-wilding woman and enlightened women websites all about what the ideal male gendered mate for an embodied goddess would be.
    I think I'll let him decide who he is and what he wants to be. Are we not trying to relieve ourselves of the conditioning by religion and culture and familial custom of what we should be as women? Are we not seeking to be sovereign/self determined? And yet we now we want to spread memes about what our male incarnated counterpart should be? Hypocritical, aren't we?
   So, while all the sexy pics and described qualities and conditions of what a man of the equal state of being should be and have done and should be doing......we might want to just scroll past those memes.
  I want him to have the same right to self-determination as I have given me ;)

What I learned reading the story of Siddhartha

     The copy of a book of the story of Siddhartha I read began with the background of the Buddhist practices. It explained how spirits were tired of the cycle of karma and were seeking for ways to escape it for the pain was so great. Associating suffering with conscious existence; incarnation, even as purely spirit, they sought their own non-existence/extinction/suicide that they might return to Source, become unborn again. So, while so many practices lead to an enlightened life, overall, adherence to them brings us ever closer to death. When one seeks the ultimate Buddhist experience, one is seeking death. That is why all "enlightened masters" die, their bodies continuing to age and expire despite their healing abilities.
    The second thing I learned was toward the end of the story of Siddhartha's life. When it was realized Siddhartha's son was acting out and unhappy because Siddhartha offered no resistance, Siddhartha sent him away. "Are we so insecure about our "enlightenment" that we ourselves can not offer the resistance our children need to themselves expand their own consciousness?!"- was my response to that action. As an emotionally abandoned child,I know the pain of an absent parent experience, abandonment, a lack of priority. I treated myself the same way: I didn't appreciate myself, settled for and even sought out poor treatment.
   "And who says 'enlightenment' it's self does not inspire the offering of resistance?"- I now know to ask. We are so conditioned to expect only certain behaviors as kind, loving and thus marks of wisdom and "enlightenment". Well, you know what? An enlightened state of being might inspire a proverbial ass-wooping. Maybe we are inspired to say no when a child crosses boundaries, not only so we are respecting ourselves but that a child might learn from the example that they can and should have boundaries of their own. From a state of'enlightenment', our inspired responses will be just the right level of intensity, the right degree of response. Whereas, if left to an 'unenlightened' world, the responses might be over or under reacting. Who better to deliver appropriate resistance than an 'enlightened' being?
   If one is more from a self-sacrificing, "we must serve others above ourselves" perception: should we not sacrifice our own (idea of) state of "enlightenment" for our children? ;)

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**** I became a mainstream licensed and trained Christian minister in 1992. Since then I have been trained as a psychic, and a conscious channelor. I have been published as a writer on social issues and I am presently working as a trained domestic violence advocate.
Let's get busy together! Let me help you!

Subjection to the weaker conscience and domestic violence

  For every advancement of what is healthy in relationships that comes into my present experience, something of the old and painful comes out along with understandings surrounding it. What came in was finally a man who didn't use a 'parenting' tone while expressing an understanding of my priorities. That was so delightful a flutter like a baby in my womb happened in response to it. Not butterflies in the stomach but actual life in the womb. I found that interesting.
  What came out was memories of being attacked and verbally abused for things like not shaving (if I wanted to date a man, I'd be gay), smoking (wow! You're so pretty. But I like the taste of a woman and smoking changes it), telling an older woman whether or not I was on birth control was none of her business when my "significant other" preferred I 'keep the peace' instead (shhh, don't say that!)........
  With it I understood not bending to another's weakness is perceived by them as an attack on them and so, in their mind, they are committing an act of self-defense. Thus the abuser perceives themselves a victim subject to "embarrassing" or "unpleasant" aspects of the one they expressed a desire to be in a more intimate relationship with. Then I remembered each of these men identified themselves as Christians. With that came memory of the scriptures used to guide relationships by priests, ministers, pastors, elders, etc. : 1 Corinthians chapter 8. There it explains how some view eating of meat dedicated to idols as a sin, that they are those of a weaker conscience, and so as not to offend or stumble them a mature Christian would not eat the meat around the one with the weaker conscience. The message is to avoid behavior that might offend the less mature. Is that not what we see in abusive relationships? And these interactions were initiated by these men. They initiated contact solely to make sure their opinion was known to me what they did not approve of about me. So what would possess a man to believe he has the right to approach a woman solely to attack her? Could it be scriptural admonitions to be vigilant, shepherd, correct the congregation, subjection by women the 'weaker' vessels?
  The root of the immature ruling over the more mature, the weak over the strong, didn't grow out of Christianity, I'm sure. I do know Christianity isn't helping uproot the dysfunction or helping with prevention of damage, however. Yeah, if I were Jesus I'd be pretty sad, too.
*as a side note, I've noticed women who demonstrate an inability to tolerate the existence of something different from their belief system as well. The entire Christian based culture creates a perceived attack (persecution complex/paranoia) in the mere existence of that which they find offensive and thus a perceived right to attack it 'back'. Even in politics, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say..law after law, fear-based

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........
  I am sorry you are going through this. You did nothing to deserve it.
I am sorry for the times you felt powerless. I am sorry for the times you felt like you are getting mixed messages. I am sorry for the times you felt like you couldn't do anything right. I am sorry you were made to feel confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, and violated. I am sorry for when you've felt abandoned, unjustly and inappropriately blamed for things. I am sorry you have been made to feel unsafe in your body, your home, your bed, at the ringing of a phone, a knock on the door, on social media, at work, walking down the road, in your tent, in your own dreams, your own thoughts, your own heart, your own words.
 I am sorry for when you have had that which mattered most to you taken from you even though you were doing the very best you could do. I am sorry you have felt alone and misunderstood, misrepresented.
  I am sorry for those times when you felt unequipped for what you are facing or being asked to do: know I am always with you!
 I know you are brave; you woke up and faced every one of those moments. I know you are strong; you want to love again, you want to feel safe, free and open.......on these things, you never gave up. I know you are wise; you are listening. You are powerful. You've carried on.
  You deserve love without abandon. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin. You deserve to be able to trust and be trusted. You deserve to be heard and understood. You deserve individual attention. You deserve to have all your needs met. You deserve to be touched with deep respect and have your name spoken with reverence. you deserve time. You deserve rest. You deserve to be able to breath easy, to know what it means to truly live.
  I give these things to you now.

Summon your power!

This morning after I did some clearing dancing I felt a power come in feeling the image: " Near a bonfire on the top of a hill declaring :"Come! Come dance and summon your power! You are about to be betrayed and abandoned!". "
Again? lol almost boring this pattern of feeling sure of something and then having the rug pulled out from under me, betrayed by "the powers that be"......
O.K., so I have learned for the modern 'prophet', when asking for whom the bell tolls? the answer is always "You!". O.K. So I am about to be denied an opportunity: have been given the keys to a truck that will roll down a hill the moment I try to back it out of the parking spot...so to speak.
There's a "flip side" perception of these things: I am about to be released from an agreement that would not have fully served me and probably required I compromise some part of me and I'm going to be let go, set free, liberated, left alone (relief!).
Thus armed and comforted with an alternate perception, I allow myself to undergo the emotional journey of being betrayed and abandoned, the devastation, the feeling I was deceiving myself, believing an illusion, fooled and thus foolish, insecurity about my own judgement, feeling my way: does any of this anymore even resonate? Dance with it and send love into the aspects that would feel it anyways.
I am also armed with the knowledge that when we do not resist what we see coming which may be fear inspiring, when we allow ourselves to emotionally experience the reality, it neutralizes the potential so it does not manifest. We just experienced it and so the physical manifestation is not required to manifest.
Even if it does manifest to some degree, we are already prepared emotionally and can maintain a clarity to help see the solutions before me.
Underlying it all is an anchor of peace which allows me to undergo these things fearlessly, feel safe enough to ride the waves of emotions that may be coming and THAT is the power that needs summoning, the power to not lose faith, life-force, energy, wind in my sails, or identity in those defining, rug-being-pulled-out, end-of-the-world, whirlwind moments.
So come, come dance in the fire with me! Summon your fire, summon your power! Life is changing!

Letting go of my creation story

  Years ago I let go of the biblical creation story and prayed for my own. It came in the story of "The Dance". No longer wanting to be a daughter of conflict, for a daughter needs parents rather than trusting her own inner guidance as a sovereign being, self determined of one's own source and if conflict is my source, it is my essence rather than the peace I am embodying.
  Therefore this blog is no longer "where a Daughter of the Dance begins to get a hang of things", it is more an etymology of me. I still find resonance with Crystal Morningstar, clarity, ancient, alchemized force within creation among the first rising each new 'day', expanding on the leading edge of consciousness....yes, it suits me so far in this consideration of another new beginning.
 And of course, one which is a part of that which has always existence without ultimate end or beginning, one would not have nor need a creation story.......flying free of creation stories.......no origins, no obligations to be limited to their implications.......

Year of the Wolf Upon Me

It truly began this past spring or late winter when I saw a wolf in a dream showing me it's teeth. I didn't know it was the whole year's theme until this recent beginning........  
       As I begin a time without internet, I realize I had, as a child, stopped trusting my psychic senses because most people in my youthful experience spoke contrary to how they were feeling and the truth they were knowing. If it was not being expressed, it became irrelevant and untrustworthy. It made for sickness in  my stomach to feel reluctant giving. They didn't want to, couldn't afford it and I'd feel it. They would still do it and expect my response to be all grateful and happy ut it couldn't be because I was sick to my stomach over it. Or hopes would reign as I'd feel "Yes! A good idea! Let's go with it" but the answer was "No!" absolutely and I felt a deceiving and a dashing. It all became too much for my stomach. So, I closed myself off and took all at face value. And no, it didn't soften my experience as much as I believed it was doing. The body still knows, the depths still speak.
   In the days leading up to moving, the spirit of the wolf was making it's self more and more noticed in my experience: a towel given, a blanket, a new phone book left at the new apartment....

   We moved in and then slept for 12 hours straight.
When we went outside I pointed out to the children, who generally only see what is immediate, the view right out our front door besides the other houses-a cliff face. My children's jaws dropped in awe. My daughter tried running for it, not realizing how the big sky deceives the distance. Getting there would be a bit more complicated. The picture doesn't do it justice but it's all we've got, lol

  Then someone introduced us to the sleeping giant outside our back door....the looks on the children's faces when it's form finally took shape for them! Awesome! A bearded giant right behind them!

          Then I began to delve in. "Women Who Run With the Wolves", Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Ph.D. Turns out the Archetype is a God/Goddess archetype, not specifically a human woman's archetype and a wildness/natural state not just of the feminine. The book may be more about women's natural spiritual initiations that occur with or without the outer world's holding to the matching traditions, but it is also about men's natural psychic experiences. And holy crap did I recognize them!
  So, quotes in this writing are from this book about this Goddess archetype, this Wild Woman.....
   And begins my journaling of this period, a recording of my 'dream' experiences, general observations, understandings wanting to come in...... for when I began reading, I also began menstruating and without internet I was more so in a period of isolation, as close to spirit as I could have been with sole responsibility for care of two children and new neighbors visiting.....
   I hear her, La Loba, singing over my bones. She has been doing so constantly and has been at for centuries, I am only now recognizing, knowing her identity because of the stories. The symptom I have have in common is literal dryness. In adulthood through all my pregnancies, literal dehydration, my physical living unwillingly.
  When I was around 12 years old we were given a writing assignment in school. Excited, I set the stage of a girl about my age. Wonderfully picturesque, as is my writing talent, a girl from the country was walking the dirt roads to Rome to worship the gods and goddesses. There the story ended and I froze. I didn't know anything about worshiping these gods and goddesses of old.........so I believed.
  My experience of that story has been the story of my life: I repeat it every time an initiation begins. La Loba sings over my bones. I am wet with excitement, full of life, vitality, ready to do something. I look around me and see no tools, no resources, no vessels for what I know.
  And I know I've fallen into the "rapture trap" of this space between, the third rabbi......again and again becoming dry bones.
  But in the past few years I have learned to sing. Oh, there are no words my modern culture would recognize in these songs I sing. They appear to be just sounds I am making. But I DO feel them, what they mean. I feel the ancientness to them. I sing them as they are given, without question. Some of the sounds so profound, singing life and dimension into my soul. Even if I am only tracing my finger in the sand, I am creating. I am hydrating. I dance ecstatically. I am creating.
     -----Dream....I look to the wall and notice that someone has taken away the fire extinguisher.-----
   One of our new neighbors is a young girl with Wild Woman intact. You can see it in her eyes, in her demeanor; open, friendly, without fear. "We weren't going too far", she admonishes the whining boy of near the same age following a block behind her. Exactly the experience with myself, my daughter and my son trailing behind afraid we're getting too far ahead of him. A replay of myself and my brother when we were children. He was only 9 months younger. I became small for him, thinking it would solve the problem. It didn't. My daughter and I will remain big for him; the man child trailing.....
    I lay in the sun on grass a rich green and plush. Yet I feel I am at the beach in this climate because of the wind blowing across the sparse brown prairie surrounding this artificially coaxed carpet of green. A beach is an expanse of desert, apparently dry of life and windswept. All can be intimidating: the desert, sparse prairie, the beach with apprent inability to nourish and yet we are brought to these places to be moisturized, brought to life, brought to flourish. So, I am supported. A constant lining up of synchronicities.
  Bluebeard is no enemy as purported. Yes, needs to be kept in place but like any immature part of us, it is seeking to know it's proper place, testing boundaries, seeking parenting. The old hag can collect bones, but an old man can't? Is it not naivete of youth that does need to die? If the feminine within in the story could not accomplish it (sisters, mother) and it took 'a man', to isn't it all the same? Predators specialize-the wolf and the badger, the woman and the man, the masculine and the feminine. He also gets redemption in me.
  And why am I placed under the power lines where they leave a power station, the place from which they direct pulses of fear and dread and cause of irritation in the population? To sing life into them instead. On the edges, where woman meets wilderness, to where the "uncivilized" are condemned, a play that backfires because among the 'uncivilized' are the wild men and women...remembering. From here we feed the population, we nourish my valley.....
  Wind In Her Hair speaking.
The lesson of the mother wolf is necessary and it is "Bluebeard" who taught it to me. It is Bluebeard in the growl.
  My attention wanes from the reading......
     My son hates that my daughter now has her own room to retreat to. She can escape his relentless need to instigate and harass when it comes upon him.
     "Bluebeard" becomes the 'temperor' in maturity, the prover of the immortality of the "master", the initiator of the Goddess, proof of immortality. "Do not be afraid to investigate the worst". Our best qualities living in shadow of poor defining.
   My children are remembering they prefer to live life naked.
    Because I am coming from an exploration of "We create our own reality", there is immense trust in me. I do not need to trust "others", I need only trust my creating, which makes everything trustworthy, which then allows only that which is trustworthy into my experience. Even if it is not trustworthy and in my experience, I trust me enough to recognize this and deal with it accordingly. Thus my eyes are wide open and rarely suspicious.
  The psyche knows the fairy tales. It knows a bid for time. Bluebeard won't allow a period of prayer for the next bride.
  Ahhh, she comes to, the redemption of Bluebeard, by dismantling. In the beginning she said he was pure evil, irredeemable and yet now the author gets into it. Does she even realize her own assertion is not supported y where has taken it? How shall we dismantle the pure glory of Bluebeard in his fullness? An acceptance of his 'irredeemable' nature IS his redemption.
   The mother who is single, coming from married parents is making a profound journey not to be judged by the single mother coming from the single parenting experience. They each began their journies from a different foundation. The one raised by a single mother is doing nothing different. The one being raised by two parents now living as a single parent is the one bringing change.
  I went out to the cross roads, where the light is on then off again. I saw a doe meander across the road. Then a second. A baby followed. Then two. The light went out and doe meandered to the right again, 8 of them! Does and young crossing and re-crossing the road again.
 "Women find as they vanquish the predator, taking from it what is useful and leaving the rest, they are filled with intensity, vitality, and drive....." "We are creatures then;...."
   "each group and culture appears to also have it's own natural psychic predator......allowed absolute sovereignty until the people who believe otherwise become a tide." A tide. I like that feeling, a silent whooshing away, a whooshing cleaning of our reality.
  A wild rabbit showed it's self to me today.
  Resources spent completely, no usual sinking feeling, joyous "O.K.", nervous system shaking at carrying this "higher vibration" acceptance of things, this expanded energy flowing through my body as resistance recedes. A tide. I got to shop without counting the cost. Remembering how my sister thought that disgusting when my aunt shopped like that.
  Butterflies, yellow and white, ever so tiny in this climate.....love bugs...the sleeping giant of the mountains....
  It sunk in that spirits that are welcoming me into the community know exactly who I am, what I bring consciousness-wise. No more painted face dreams, no more small playing, no more underestimating, no more repressing. I have been, layer by layer, completely undressing.
  So, the narcissists were the Baba Yagas in my life, initiations into power and discernment. And I did, I took some of their power and I used it. I made it my own.
 Little bees buzzing, following me...use the honey for my son's detoxing, he's been repressing and accumulating.
  "......in the upper Midwest the Mother and Father Of God are still said to roll about in their spring bed, making thunder". As the thunder rolls overhead, the explanation suits me: Mother and Father creating new potentials for the children to experience in this reality.
   "Those who endeavor in the ways and means shown in the story shall be lover and mate to the wildish woman forever". Am I even looking for a forever mate, a happily ever after?
                                               Manawee
 A new perspective of men who keep dogs-their wildish nature precious to them (if their dog is) or they've rejected their wild nature within, separating it from themselves and projecting it/keeping it outside themselves as dogs they can control.
  If orgasm is for procreation, we are taking what is left alive in a man who is dying and giving it it's life, giving form to that which is still living in him. Orgasm during sex is a highlight for the dying. Amongst the living it is a thief, for to achieve is to kill and draw forth seed.
  The heart is the first from given to one's essence-weak amongst those who fear the intuitiveness, the sensitivity, digging deep into the heart of things, taking responsibility, giving meaning.
  True, if we act small, there are many who will not see. To those who do see, we have made ourselves a bite-sized morsel, easy to devour and eat. When we allow our fullness, no mouth can surround us with it's teeth.
  If we were not meant to be distracted from our journey, to hold ourselves accountable to the pleasure, the joy of existence, we would not be. We live where there is engagement. If it is not engaging, we recede. Life is a response, not a purpose.
  The absentminded professor always mutters genius at just the right moment. "Too much makes us old too soon". Mastery is knowing our eternality enough to allow ourselves to be human in a story where we are expanding, trusting we will leave that limited perception for our expanded self/higher perspective when the story is well-lived and completed. Sometimes we do not know the importance of something to us (how much something means) until our way to it is challenged. It is in fighting for it that we discover our true passion for it. Thus the dark man serves as ignition/light shiner upon our passion. And how would we know of our passion if we do not allow ourselves to feel challenged because we want to remain detached perceiving it as "just a story".
  "Go forth, subdue, become many" the bible says the command was given. God proclaimed and ordered Adam and Eve to die, to orgasm, to procreate. In eating of good and evil they sought knowledge to be among the living. When they refused to die, he cut them off from the tree of life. He was seeking to create an imitation of the natural cycles of life for his children who he took prematurely via 'c-section' , unnaturally.
----dream----
Black snakes and baby black snakes grooming, lounging, relaxed all around me. As I walked toward a path with trees shading it up ahead, I caught a glimpse of a boa constrictor moving up onto the tops of those trees. It's belly was swollen as if it had just eaten. "It looks like the shape of a man in it's belly", I pointed out. Sure enough a black man without limbs, golden light sparking in wounds hwere digestive juices had eaten away at him came out in answer to me.
-------------------------
I associate lack snakes as being a good thing, protectors of my environment because I lived with a king snake who I was told was a good thing as it kept the poisonous snakes away, was known to eat them.
Seeing a snake used to cause me to break out in cold sweat. Then I was accused of being a snake. I thought that is accurate. I was quiet until I was tread upon and couldn't escape and then I'd bite devastatingly. So, I taught myself to 'rattle' in warning. I lost the need to be venomous. I lost my extreme fear of snakes. At my most recent campsite a snake came for a visit and it was as awkward as I when I noticed and it noticed I noticed it's presence. I began to be able to really empathize with the snake. No matter who came across it, they would be uncomfortable with it. Smaller beings terrified of being eaten by it, larger terrified of it's quiet, speed, unexpected presence, choices, decisions, direction.....then I was told snakes represent the Mother's presence and I've been pretty cool with them, seeing them as a good omen in my dream.
     More reflections on recent spending with no accounting, judgement of those who put no effort into saving while shopping. Shouldn't we live life effortlessly? Shall we hate those for whom material things come easily? I've had enough of efforting, worrying, penny pinching, of never having enough, being enough. I am enough. Enough is not a bad thing. Enough is enough of not being/having enough or pinching me into smallity!
  In my dreamscapes black men have only ever stood up for me, protected, defended.My masculine oppressor always took the form of my first husband. Other male figures have been two sons, one of which I had been chosen to marry but which had yet to be decided by their mother. The devil and Jesus figures. The Jesus figure declaring himself unworthy. "If that's what you believe, so it must be!". I'm done with convincing. A dark-haired one I was told to make jealous with a blonde one during a pagan fertility right as he was bound and forced to watch, knowing. I would not resort to manipulation and instigation and such game-playing. I rejected it all and banished them from my psyche "until you two become integrated!". This past year it was one whose kisses were sweet like raspberries but had to leave me because his work required travelling. That one manifested exactly so in my physical reality, my migrant working Mexican lover of an evening.
  How synchronistic to be learning of Ofrenda with Halloween approaching.   How synchronistic to be learning of an entire belief system based on what I had come to understand and began asserting with less and less insecurity: "....the body is a powerful vehicle, a spirit who lives with us, a prayer of life in it's own right." In Christian mythos, the physical body is the mighty protector (animal skin) given Adam and Eve to keep them safe. "Arise, magic carpet arise!"; 'the body a God in it's own right'. Worth pondering, imo. Would a god concern it's self with anything less than another god?
  "..where wolves are women and bears are husbands...."...I had once had a dream in which I was on a path through the woods with a bear. We met on the path and each traveled it without bothering the other, each at their own speed.
  "Grey hair certifies that she need no longer observe taboos about touching others". Interesting meaning I hadn't before heard.
  I woke early this morning and heard laughter. My son was laughing in his sleep once again. He used to always do it as an infant but then had nothing but nightmares for the past couple of years. I rejoice at the return of his laughter.
  I mend a dress late at night like a fairy godmother. This dress worn daily dons magical powers for it's child-like child wearer.
 "hombre de alma"-starvation of the soul. "Feral"- wild, then domesticated, then returned to the wild.
   I begin menstruating as if I were a teen again, clots and everything. In my dreamscape everything is being re-arranged. Spirits are changing rooms, so everything is in disarray. Another woman's masculine aspect climbs into my bed with me because hers is such a mess. He attempts to have sex with me. I slap his hand away, "I have my period, none of that today". Everyone is sucking on my breasts, getting nourishment from my presence. It is pleasurable. With this menstruation period being so much like when I was a teen, my breasts are swollen and tender as if I was pregnant.
   Little Rabbit hopped by again this morning, third day in a row. This must be a part of it's regular daily route. The Rabbit reminds me of the other evening when I lay down to sleep and I was enveloped in a pure cushioning softness. So subtle and sweet it was as if I had completely left the realm of feeling anything.
 Years ago I had a dream in which my son raced a woman in a boat race. The winner determined whether or not I got the camper I was wanting instead of just another run down car for the traveling we would be doing. My son won the race and not long after a camper manifested in our reality. The seal woman's son remained on land while she remained in the sea. He brought into the physical manifestation (sound,words) manifestation of her spirit. This tells me the mystical child is the spirit born of the soul that causes physical manifestation of a woman's inspirations and desires. It is her power in physical reality. Unless the male spirit is born of the woman, it is not her own power. This triggers the wondering if that is why we do not live as sovereign beings. If we reject our own power to manifest and influence the physical reality because we have subconsciously absorbed our cultural taboo against incest, then we remain subject to "the spirits of the air", generation after generation, leaving our own power orphaned and disembodied. Aborted, miscarried, abandoned children with higher rates of each occurring despite medical advancement corresponding with increased loss of the concept of individual sovereignty. Have I feared to be mated to my own power because it apears as my own child in my dreamscape? Time to break the taboo and claim my power to influence my physical, outer reality! Incest it is! Time to be dirty psychically! Wanna join me? ;) Seal woman was meant to leave her husband. He refused to live up to his promise, he resisted the natural order of things. The "spirits of the air" manifest the same resistance, becoming ever more creative and oppressive in oppressing and keeping us from the natural order of things. Apparently the gods of old still fear the strength of the new and it is still up to us mothers to save them from their devouring fathers. I had come to see how 'Satan' had come to defend his mother by seducing Eve. A theme which other side we have not been exposed to in Christianity and yet, when I opened myself up to independent exploration and deeply rooted truth, the true story was simply given to me. Only years later am I given affirmation of the stories I had been feeling coming up through me. Our entire history is there for the reading if we know how to release the stories we were given to believe.
 "More than I am attached to cooperating with my own oppression, I love my creativity!"-my version of the author's recommended declaration.

  I cried through the making of this sign for my door, reminding myself not to nit-pic details, 'imperfect' lines, etc. Something I used to do so lightly and regularly had become something of which I was afraid. I used to not trust what I made, I'd cook and receive compliments but not eat of it myself. I was afraid to build, to create anything useful. My own 'sanitary pads' for this period of my my monthly cycle?!?! Sewn up so nice and pretty and sitting.....and sitting....finally I began using them and haven't gone back to store bought stuff since, but the terror of trying, of beginning.....of letting go of 'perfectionism'. 

 "Time.Belonging.Passion.Sovereignty.-Stock up on these", the author says. Indeed. 

  To be conscious and aware of every offense to the deepest inner soul, to feel the terroristic threat of every piece of mail declaring "Do such and such by this day and time or lose housing, sustenance, service,....", to smell the psychic smell of the oppressor in one's own head. To be the only to acknowledge the complete truth of all that without dismissing the majority of it's existence with "it's 'only'...". I am big enough to admit the truth; "these things hurt me. They are violations, they need changing." The inner screeching, the screaming, the burning as old thought feelings are reached for in responding to things...there lives a fire throughout my entire being. The ability to smell that psychic smell of the oppressor in my brain means it is separating it's self from me, it's becoming foreign to me. I AM becoming a sovereign being, marrying the son of my psychic workings, taking back my sealskin and leaving the ancient husband of every other generation before me.

  In this tight-fisted outer world, the informing that the king in the underworld counts the pears so he can be alert to our arrival, not so he can punish us for eating.....that he waits to serve only is sweet news. How many would be like me, descend into that garden and refuse to eat simply because the fruit was numbered and counted? We'd believe we were refusing to make ourselves accountable to one with interest in controlling everything.Instead a new concept of masculine is introduced: one alert and waiting to serve and heal and interested in our flourishing.

 ------dream-----

We were staying at a shelter and someone confirmed my suspicions: bedbugs. We looked at my son's bed and they were crawling all over it. We treated everything., even my daughter when she returned.

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I had been thinking my son had been holding too much in emotionally. So, when he said he wanted to grow up to be someone who taught other people to be nice to eachother the other day, I told him that this job was exactly what his name meant and his body even demonstrated it with the gap between his front teeth which is called traditionally "The Gap of God". I told him in order to be able to teach others how to be good to eachother he would first have to know how to be good to himself, to his own body. For a couple days he drank his detox tea but then said "I don't want to be that anymore". He's very resistant to being in good psychic relationship with his body. Something I won't be able to be changing. I have to trust the trigger will come to his experience when and as appropriate.

   The Rabbit showed it's self on it's afternoon trek back the way it come in the morning, pausing in front of me. A doe ran across the road, stopping in it's tracks directly in front of me, looking at me.

and as I end this period of journaling, not wanting to go online again, do the Facebook thing but knowing I'd have to go out into the world again, I posted the following post:

Do you feel the softness of my tread?
Do you feel the tenderness of these feet?
Do you feel my reluctance to come here again,
for us to re-meet?
Have you been where I have been?
Will you be new like me?
Or will it be the same old world of ghosts who only know of their hunger for what I bring while it not recognizing?
May you also be wearing new meat.......the meat of a true King.
(And yeah, I know, I'm speaking to the world I myself am creating)
lol, moments after posting this I went outside. I delighted at the presence of a herd of does close by. I turned and came face to face with a buck by my side.

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