Another Existential Crisis

  At least I've finally learned how to handle it gracefully, lol
That time of year again! Everyone is falling apart around me.......... runs to the emergency room so the kids are with their sitter who suddenly has to go to the emergency room, too. I had an appointment today, but she is in the emergency room as well. The 12:12 gate is nearing, which means my immortal lover is, too.........."He" who wants to be embodied by me but hates me true......
  With a word I can end it for them..... the pain, the fear, the lack of knowledge and understanding......Every single one. If they would let me. And of those who do? They return to their ways of thinking, believing, perceiving that made them sick to begin with. And so my bitterness sets in. What is the use?
  There came a day I had no control over it. It just happened. Everything and everyone I spoke to, touched: immediate change in their conditions. Then it slowly dissipated. The demons drawn to the immense energies left with it, my confusion over the attacks going with it.......
  This time of another year I tested it: I consciously chose to offer to help with a migraine and it left. Ah, so it had not dissipated, I had been given authority over it. I got to choose. Shall I choose only those who would do the work to draw it forth from within, make the changes within themselves that would let that healing live?
  Oh, but then I am condemning them. They would have to go through what I went through: awakening after awakening to various aspects. They would have to be looking straight into the face of that which twisted them and own it. Hunger, homelessness, loss of relationships......I am thus an angel of death...can I be O.K. with me?
     I am she who is soft and sweet and rabid..........
     The shame and ridicule of my "silliness", my silliness fighting back with hatred, fear and it's own disdain......persecution from the disembodied aspect from without and within as I fight "him" for self-ownership, self-determination while I crave the wholeness, "his" strength......
  All the while suffering I can relieve continues........
  So what form shall my stepping up take then? Market myself, ask for recommendations...cheap parlor tricks, marketing, the making of a commodity out of me, my energy....disdain for those who want to become followers, discomfort with worship. Then you get those who just want a low-level psychic, who do not listen when you tell them not to pursue....they once were me and so I've reached the maturity to accept and love those who are looking, the seekers and then I am reminded of those who refuse, who want a moment of improvement but are too attached to being sick and helpless...disdaining the gift I have given....who or what would they be/do if they weren't the handicapped, the needy one? Fear of what would I be? Oh, yes, I have been there, too. So, love and accept.......feel no shame for when I forget, for forget I will indeed, that's the first thing that happens, it seems. So far from us goes the un-well being, we forget it even existed. I'll have to remember to remind me and feel no shame when accusations of "hypocrite!" come from within me. Soften the beast I must embody to be whole, to be all I can be.
  There's a bad moon on the rise......will you allow me to take YOUR life?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUQiUFZ5RDw

Maybe I'll just let all the thoughts slide, simply allow, and trust: "I've got this!"