Another phase of suspension

     It could be mistaken for depression, but it isn't. Just not over-the-top love, light and wisdom. All a matter of perspective. Memes no longer hold my interest...... Drink lots of water, do alot of meditation, Himalayan sea salt lamps, crystal's, reiki? lol Fuck that shit. Put the kids to bed, get drunk and binge watch Netflix.....for a week. Hope the abuser and kidnapper does not find and break in again.  Let what ever is going on under the surface, the subconscious do what it needs.  And...don't talk to me, lol I might not be 'pretty'...though it's near impossible for me. I can no longer do "ugly", not really. I light up at interactions, rise up in appreciation and love for what stands before me.
      The other day, it could have been yester, lol for the days are strangely passing; a blink or a week or both in the same moment....I felt a pop somewhere low and deep. A pocket of energy associated with children and child-rearing and the need to prepare and teach....leaving. Of course that leaves that space empty and the toxins of it dumped into my system for releasing. The "cat pee" smelling sweat as the body becomes a furnace of hell-fire heat, constant sleep, DNA upgrading, the 'upgrade' that will replace it flowing in, glimpses of pure love without worry. Tested today when a woman asked how my children are at spelling. No sinking feeling. No usual dread; "OMG what if I say the wrong thing?!"...nope! "They have their good and they have their bad days". My children are home schooled and she preluded the question with "That's why I can't home school". Now writing I realize having good and bad days homeschooling is an advantage. Their good day does not HAVE to be on Friday (begin panic attack) or they'll fail their spelling test and get bad grades and never make it into college and won't make money........
  Today: Feeling emptied with nothing to give, but not drained...just not interested.
   The chasing of the carrot. The relationship thing. So many products of bitter divorces where they tried so hard to prevent one another from getting anything.....men who will drive a thousand miles to see a woman but would never fix her car so she could come visit him. 50 and 40 somethings living in castles with everything just so, expensive, shiny...while the woman they are dating has her phone cut off and faces eviction. So far from ubuntu! A man comments: "send me pics". "My phone won't". "You need a better phone". He stops calling. "Well, if you believe I need a better phone, buy me one then!". So full of judgement without a thing to give. They brag of how they did this or that for women....but when they come around to you it;s "Not any more". I can smell them a mile away. Not for me, not anymore. he'll pay to be with me, he'll contribute unconditionally or I'm not even glancing. UBUNTU! Not just for your neighbors, but for the receivers of your seed. How many carpenters have wives without cabinets, but their needy neighbor gets them for free? How many mechanics do work for free while their wives drive a falling apart jalopy?And these men are hailed as icons of generosity. Nothing but carrots on a string, empty promises while being demanding.....Not these men, not for me......
  Riding with a neighbor to get groceries (slaughter the pig and bring home the bacon! heehee says me at request "What are you doing"), my lower back releases, my spine, my shoulders open. I am asked questions; you're asking for age and then birth date..is that not redundant? That's what paperwork and computers are for; to be our memory. I don't much care for these things. As I realize I no longer worry about money or thinking or knowing, tears being to fall...more release, tears of joy, I am free! My co-hort comments how she has been so light headed lately. "Yeah, well, I don't much tell people the reason because they don't want to receive it." She waits for continuation. "The Earth is changing and so are we", I give a mundane explanation about Earth's electromagnetic pull growing and solar flares. She says "Oh, yes, my cell phone HAS been glitchy!". Replies me; "If it's affecting your phone, it's affecting your body". She is is relieved. No hospital run for an emergency. She's light headed, I'm downright giddy. It's as being stoned would be to my imagination. I'm spacey enough without such things. No weed, no frog poison, no latest shamanic medicinal concoction needing. Just open, just free. I SEE, without eyes, I see.
  So it is I have been feeling suspended, experiencing a virtual reality with changes occurring underneath or virtual changes with reality underneath..both simultaneously. Changing, changing, changing for and in my children as within me...a beautiful thing, setting us free. No more inculcating, worry or carrot chasing, nothing but healthy for them and for me.