The pieces fall together finally on my relationship status

    Many years ago I was told my the ministers who were training me that the reason the younger men treated me so badly was because I was intimidating. I was smart and beautiful and men found this intimidating. I had no idea what to do with that information. What does that mean?
    A male domestic violence worker commented after asking my age; "You haven't learned yet?!". Excuse me, I had a grandmother go to her grave still married to the man who raped and impregnated her daughter. I have aunts nearing it still married to abusive men. In my circles, I am way ahead of the game just for knowing enough to leave them!
   In becoming committed to ending the cycle with me and getting to the root causes of domestic violence, I also learned about things like PTSD. I learned about the fight, flight or freeze responses to trauma, to fear.
   It was only today that it all was given to click in my brain: if I am so intimidating to men, their only responses they can have to me is to fight, flee or freeze. Obviously I cannot be in a relationship with some who has fled. One cannot be in a relationship with one who freezes; offers no response, no engagement, no stimulation unless one wants to wilt and die in staying with them: every plant needs watering. So, logically speaking, the only relationships I could have we with those who constantly hurt me.
   If relationships were where we learn about ourselves and where we grow, is it truly any wonder I would have been stunted, immature?
   So now I have learned to be in good relationship with self. Now I know how to be in good relationship with others. Now I understand why it had not been so previously. Now, may it be an end to the "Stacey has never had a good relationship" story. May it be the end to the "woman alone" chapters of my story.