When money represents justification for one's existence

     I was wondering why a weekly appointment triggered so much resentment in me, PTSD fight/flight/freeze responses. Instead of getting back into the workforce full time, I chose to ease my way back in to avoid overwhelming and burnout. Thus, my employment income is supplemented with TANF (welfare). In order to receive it, I have to go in person every week to waste paper with accounting for my time and acknowledging it with a signature......as if a paycheck stub is not enough.
    When we seek self-determination, empowerment, to leave the realm of abusive relationships, on each of these fronts the key is given: stop explaining yourself, feeling a need to justify your choices. Once one gets re-aligned with that quality of natural sovereignty, anything that smells like being demanded of for an explanation or justification is immediately recognized by the subconscious. It is so insidious in our culture, comes in so many guises, we may not recognize it. Being on welfare and having to account for your time (justify yourself) is just a more obvious violation of those who are receiving welfare probably because they have suffered the most extreme traumas our society has to offer.
    We have the right to life, and by extension, the right to anything needed to sustain it. That's why even if we have the money to pay them, bills hurt. We have the money (the evidence of justified right) to continue to avail ourselves of a service (electric, the roof over our head, etc). When you apply for a job, you are presenting evidence to justify employment to get the money to pay the bills. You are explaining your choices to prove your right to life (no money for food, no food, you die: you lose your right to life). We're trained to do so from childhood, not just in obvious "Why did you do that?!" from exasperated parents, but to not so obvious such as in school; having to "show your work". So many aspects of daily life in mainstream society are traumatic and those of us who are sensitively aware of it, truly empowered with natural sense of sovereignty, are deemed "weak", irresponsible, lazy, etc......accused of not having their shit together. Turns out they ARE the stronger.
 
   So, I loved the parts of myself feeling violated.........and suddenly I was relieved of the weekly appointment.