When the deepest, darkest is a child harmless...

      Now that I am out of it, I can see just how reasonable it is. The inner child, such a wee little beauty. I spent most of my life anti-twin flame, soul mate, prince charming...complete disbelief (if you asked me and I answered honestly). Turns out it was over-compensation for a deep desire which believed. When I was a child I would dream of a little boy who would be at all our "family" gatherings. As a teen, he was a crush in those spaces and as an adult, the lover/oppressor. For one who grew up feeling alone, the idea of this constant companion was a treasured thing. In the waking world, he was not present and this created a yearning...a desire for this significant other. Turns out, now that I've read "Women Who Run With The Wolves", that this male figure is the archetypal conveyor in us from our deepest intuitive knowledge to our conscious, waking mind. With the absence of a compatriot in my outer reality, coupled with feelings of being unworthy, I resented the desire, made it an enemy. Hence; disbelief of my own belief. My own worst romantic relationship enemy;) So, I danced with this today and could let go of this romantic idea of a destined significant other truly. I believe we are capable of creating these things and bringing them into our waking/physical reality, but it is no longer a matter of doctrine, something I feel forced upon me if I don't believe, a necessity which I'm fighting against due to feelings of being unworthy. I know now, for a fact, that if this is what I want to dream up, it is an absolute possibility.
   (Adding: the idea of a man coming to save us and/or as teacher is also possibly a similar result of this conveyor of 'rescuing'answers being brought up from the primal depths by male representative).
   The second clearing was more childhood determined "unworthy". Oh, we sooo love other people when we are little. For those of a greater sense of being called for, for being the answer to prayers (hey, your pray for a sense of peace or security and feel incapable of feeling it on your own, someone embodying it arrives on the scene.....), of having a greater purpose....we may adopt feelings of inadequacy as children when we appear to fail. "You don't recognize me, you don't listen to me", the child inwardly whispers desperately.....so dedicated and demanding of fulfilling our mission, which is not recognized, we feel we are an inconvenience. So, we think ourselves a failure and therefore, unworthy. knowing ourselves as a gift, we feel we become the gift which has been rejected.
  For me, this has been manifesting outwardly . I've been told I can count on people. Yet, when I most require the assistance, they're unavailable or so very slow about coming. (My mother was a complete, violent narcissist and one of her methods of controlling and provoking others was being late for everything). So, these were subconsciously my expectations and self-judgement of things: I was an inconvenience anyways and desperately attached to others receiving the gift of time with me..they were depriving themselves of my presence...the very gift they had requested/needed.
Be good to me.
So, when everyone is late or says they will come but don't, I would enter into intense anxiety, self-loathing, etc. Now that I know where it comes from, from where it arrived and now that I know I am truly worthy of being recognized and attended and respected time-wise.....I know my moments/time are precious and those who don't see it as a gift...their problem. I see time with any and everyone a gift, for in interacting my "highest"/most pure self manifests for embodiment.......and "lord knows" I love it! It is perfect bliss! So delicious!
Manifestation of this change in deep darkness's perception came immediate: two rides manifested as well as all sorts of male attention....and when I was hit with...again..."counseling?" my reply was so confident, it was met with "You are so intelligent. You are a very powerful woman." and "You have gorgeous hair", heehee Why, yes I am and yes, I do!