I deserve to be brought flowers.....

  I deserve to be brought flowers, not have things taken. Cherished, appreciated.
I'm in mourning today (and however long it needs to last).
With the seal going out that signifies agreement to not allow the "unprepared darkness" to strike out at the love I show it; at me emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially, everything associated with that old pattern must go with it. What drove me to need a car, resources, the means to get out of situations? Protection from "burning times", to be able to flee when struggles within others were projected at me instead. Synchronistically I just listened to Matt Kahn's last month's offering and he mentions this topic exactly. So, maybe my present limitations are so I can build trust in the effectiveness of this agreement as well as pushing me out of isolation. Maybe resources can be brought in so that I might be a part of giving space for that "darkness" to fight it's self out so it is not doing things to people like me it would have to come to regret. I pray that space be given.
   I shocked myself when someone called me a dork or some such thing and all I was given to say was "thank you". I had reached the point where I could accept and forgive and understand people were only projecting their own hurt on me or that they were being used to draw something out of me, but thank those who hurt me? I hadn't gotten there yet. And I was allowing that about me. Now I find myself finally saying "thank you" sincerely for awakening me to certain things....though when I come down from the "high" of initial liberation, I might get angry about it. And I allow it. A moment of gratitude is an increase from none of it!
  I was given a gift recently. I used to visit nightly with someone and enjoyed his company immensely. Then I found out he had a girlfriend who he absolutely could not have know about me. I wanted no part of that betrayal and so I told him that. He wasn't expecting me to find out about her and so my knowing triggered him into blocking me out permanently. He expected me to expose him to her and his life experience taught him nothing different. Many moons later he sent a friend request. He finally allowed it in to realize I hadn't done what he expected. I did not ruin his life or relationship in retaliation, out of spite or any sense of "righteousness". In doing so, he was trusting me in a way he had been taught and conditioned to never trust anybody. That is a gift and precious to me. So, I approved the request instead of letting my own hurt refuse it. I am being entrusted with something precious and allow myself to receive it.
  I realize that is my gift/super power over the past few years. I do not respond like people expect. My responses are things they have never before seen, do not expect and this opens them up to more possibilities.
  And all this grieving has to happen to allow me to embody and do more of that. So, I accept I might be crying for days on end.