"A whole new space happy inside me,
A whole new place that can abide me.......".
Singing to myself yesterday after translating the meaning of my first song "I get to keep my paycheck!".
I got to do my happy dance out in a warm rain. Oh! I had been looking forward to being out in a rain one doesn't want to bundle up against!..........
A whole new place that can abide me.......".
Singing to myself yesterday after translating the meaning of my first song "I get to keep my paycheck!".
I got to do my happy dance out in a warm rain. Oh! I had been looking forward to being out in a rain one doesn't want to bundle up against!..........
The city folk's knight in shining armor stood outside the mouth of a cave rumored to be full of mythological beasts, shouting a warning into the depths of it. He would draw the 'problem' beast out. The residents of the cave responded with "That's pretty old news and even sharing it amongst friends would not be huge; they're all capable and coming to such understandings of their own. We have no problem east among us" Back to their business they went, thinking the warning meant little to them. All their ducks were in a row.
The knight in shining armor shot a well-placed arrow into the heart of that cave and to even it's residents' surprise, a spirit that had been quietly hiding in it's recesses came out screeching it's pain, wanting to shoot it's barbs at somebody, something, anything to stop the unjust, unfair suffering it had existed in and furthered by what the arrow was bringing!
Now naked before it's fellow residents, in the face of this bold knight, the beast had to see it's it's self. It tempered it's need to strike out, it chose not to recede. It became aware of it's self and how it was perceived. It found peace. The knight in shining armor from the city folks retreated, no longer needed.
The rest of residents of the cave rejoiced at the increased light within it's recesses, the spacious cavern that had now been added to it where the unseen dark, dank, sorrows had previously been hidden. Great feasts and dancing were engaged in. Neighbors were called, gifts given. And the city folk went about their business, forgetting the existence of their myths.
The knight in shining armor shot a well-placed arrow into the heart of that cave and to even it's residents' surprise, a spirit that had been quietly hiding in it's recesses came out screeching it's pain, wanting to shoot it's barbs at somebody, something, anything to stop the unjust, unfair suffering it had existed in and furthered by what the arrow was bringing!
Now naked before it's fellow residents, in the face of this bold knight, the beast had to see it's it's self. It tempered it's need to strike out, it chose not to recede. It became aware of it's self and how it was perceived. It found peace. The knight in shining armor from the city folks retreated, no longer needed.
The rest of residents of the cave rejoiced at the increased light within it's recesses, the spacious cavern that had now been added to it where the unseen dark, dank, sorrows had previously been hidden. Great feasts and dancing were engaged in. Neighbors were called, gifts given. And the city folk went about their business, forgetting the existence of their myths.
That's about how it went down. I had been receiving understandings, mostly in the form of ponderings, such as: "If time is a construct created to hone our ability to focus on individual aspects, we are living in one single moment, one single breath of divinity, then our past is ALWAYS present, standing right next to us. We are either holding hands with it, benefiting from it's gifts or it has claws in us, constantly dragging at us, fighting us for our attention.". Others were concerning the relationship between body and spirit, why some linger in debilitation so long before "death" finally claims them.....the truth of the saying "They gave up the ghost". If it is our ghosts that keep us living, then is physicality solely made up of fear?
I didn't share any of these as I usually would, the passion and excitement of doing so just wasn't there and truly, those I interact with online have pretty much got this on their own: sharing understandings as they get them, not too different from my own. Turns out that the lack of passion was an inner knowing; "When one asks for whom the bell tolls, it's usually first for them!".
In this case, the warning about the past was for me. I hadn't completely resolved, accepted, a certain aspect of my past. So, when the arrow came and struck, right in the heart of my experience: the financial well-being I had finally begun to experience, all that old unresolved shit came up. Waves of peace were underlying my intellectual panic and emotional trauma, so I knew we'd get through this. Answers would come. So I accepted my pain, my perspective and took what actions I could. I rested. I woke the next morning with thoughts of things like; "If I had a friend who was a judge and they offered to take care of what was troubling me, I might have felt I had no other choice but to let them". "If I was a Jehovah's Witness who was given the means by a worldly person to take something I had relinquished due to insecurity and immaturity, would I not have allowed people to convince me it was Jehovah using the worldly person to serve me?" and "Is this what it felt like: being unreasonably over-burdened for endless seeming years...my refusing to have an abortion an energetic equivalent, from his perspective, as $224 out every $300 paycheck for 18 years?".
With those reflections, something in me burst wide open. I felt more spacious, more free. I was still facing the financial limitation, I believed. When I arrived at work my boss called me into her office to let me know corporate had gotten my message and that even if the law had loopholes to protect someone in my circumstances, the corporation "couldn't" NOT withhold because of fines and things they'd e facing if the child support agency disagreed. Ah, fear, the great motivator keeping corporations in the clutches, hurting their own employees rather than protecting them and facing "possibly" their own 'suffering'. Not really news to me. I accepted it gracefully.
Later that day my boss called me. Corporate had called her so she could tell me that Maine had contacted them and terminated the order....holy shit. Maine said they had no idea why that order happened, they didn't even know I was in Montana! I leaped and shok my booty! I sang "I get to keep my paycheck!". The white knight had retreated!
A neighor had agreed to take me to the bank after work so I could withdraw everything I had in it so I'd be able to pay May's rent, at least, if they had also decided to freeze my assets. That potential now gone, when she texted me to let me know she was outside ready to drive me there, I didn't share the news yet. I had promised her $20 to drive me there. She happened to had to cancel an event because she didn't have gas money to make it, until I had promised her that $20. So, knowing she'd be happy for me and not take it as the drive was no longer necessary...I withheld the news for a minute. Once I got that $20 in her hands, a pack of smokes she hadn't been expecting and treats for her kids, I broke the news to her and she shared in my excitement. We celebrated the rest of the day. Rusty got her pretzel crust cheese pizza with no sauce from Pizza Hut in the quiet of her own home (she hated the noise of eating in the restaurant), Cort enjoying that giant chocolate chip cookie 'pizza' I ordered along with it. Cort learned how to do laundry in coin machines. Rusty and Cort learned how to use the pop machine outside our building. I had wine to drink
;) weee a truly fun evening! and my friend is off attending her event today. We are restored to financial well-being!
Through all this I realize, there is no justice in this world from the worldly perspective. There really is only what is needed to trigger our expansions. Yes, the ones used to trigger those expansions might need a it more force to stop playing their role so effectively and we might perceive that as the serving of justice, but it may be in fact, only what their soul needs to be expanded, an expansion that may have been facilitated by our own which they were used to initiate and "encourage". And yes, there was a time I would have railed against such a "simplistic" and "spiritually bypassing" understanding. That would e the stage of developement where self acceptence and one's perspective is MORE important to embody efore we can move on to accepting another perspective. Sometimes we must must fully embody victim and apologies before we can accept "the good in everything". Even now, fully getting this understanding, I WILL allow certain aspects to go through this process, just as I did yesterday morning. I had to fully allow all my feelings and my own perspective as a victim before I could myself to accept my 'persecutors' could possibly feel the same way about me.
I also accepted in a new way how yes, people tend to favor those who need them more than they do a happy, self-sufficient, content, generous me. I used to resent that. They'd favor mean, selfish friends over me "because they need me". Now, I accept it. I don't need constant connection and get to enjoy mostly random moments of excitement and sharing. It works for me. I'm not missing out on anything. There's a whole party inside me.
Another synchronistic thing happened as I had a moment of realization at work: "Wow, this is the first time I did not start a job totally green, catch on quickly and exceed my co-workers!. Cool!" I wasn't being a perfectionist and I felt relief. Just as those thoughts were completing, a co-worker leaned over, put her arm around me and said "You know, I am so impressed with how fast you're catching on to this job and how well you're doing!"....lol My boss has mentioned how much she appreciates me after I braved my fear of being told I was being too sensitive about words co-workers had been using in referring to residents. "I feel the same way" she told me. I raved a fear in bringing a gift to one of the residents, of being told it was not my place only to be told by my boss she so appreciated employees who were so thoughtful about residents needs and smiled joyfully, sharing my excitement that I'd e able to share this thing I had bought with a resident who might benefit from it.
My entire experience is changing and morphing. My heart is breaking-in that good way day after day. It's so exciting! and painful and exhausting, lol Sleep time is of "dreams" where I am setting up camp in other "dimensions" where I've had negative relationship experiences. The place not really needing to be secure or able to provide anything, being more like a "spawn point" in a video game. It's where my consciousness will begin it's focus when my body is sleeping and where it will exit that "dimension" as my body here awakes, it appearing to be going to sleep there. Fascinating. Busy little bee, pollinating all sorts of places with this expanded and expanding consciousness!
So, yeah, it's been a few days since ya'll have heard the usual amount from me and so now it's all been cooked and I can served it out again
An American Bald Eagle is gliding overhead again this morning.
An ;)
I didn't share any of these as I usually would, the passion and excitement of doing so just wasn't there and truly, those I interact with online have pretty much got this on their own: sharing understandings as they get them, not too different from my own. Turns out that the lack of passion was an inner knowing; "When one asks for whom the bell tolls, it's usually first for them!".
In this case, the warning about the past was for me. I hadn't completely resolved, accepted, a certain aspect of my past. So, when the arrow came and struck, right in the heart of my experience: the financial well-being I had finally begun to experience, all that old unresolved shit came up. Waves of peace were underlying my intellectual panic and emotional trauma, so I knew we'd get through this. Answers would come. So I accepted my pain, my perspective and took what actions I could. I rested. I woke the next morning with thoughts of things like; "If I had a friend who was a judge and they offered to take care of what was troubling me, I might have felt I had no other choice but to let them". "If I was a Jehovah's Witness who was given the means by a worldly person to take something I had relinquished due to insecurity and immaturity, would I not have allowed people to convince me it was Jehovah using the worldly person to serve me?" and "Is this what it felt like: being unreasonably over-burdened for endless seeming years...my refusing to have an abortion an energetic equivalent, from his perspective, as $224 out every $300 paycheck for 18 years?".
With those reflections, something in me burst wide open. I felt more spacious, more free. I was still facing the financial limitation, I believed. When I arrived at work my boss called me into her office to let me know corporate had gotten my message and that even if the law had loopholes to protect someone in my circumstances, the corporation "couldn't" NOT withhold because of fines and things they'd e facing if the child support agency disagreed. Ah, fear, the great motivator keeping corporations in the clutches, hurting their own employees rather than protecting them and facing "possibly" their own 'suffering'. Not really news to me. I accepted it gracefully.
Later that day my boss called me. Corporate had called her so she could tell me that Maine had contacted them and terminated the order....holy shit. Maine said they had no idea why that order happened, they didn't even know I was in Montana! I leaped and shok my booty! I sang "I get to keep my paycheck!". The white knight had retreated!
A neighor had agreed to take me to the bank after work so I could withdraw everything I had in it so I'd be able to pay May's rent, at least, if they had also decided to freeze my assets. That potential now gone, when she texted me to let me know she was outside ready to drive me there, I didn't share the news yet. I had promised her $20 to drive me there. She happened to had to cancel an event because she didn't have gas money to make it, until I had promised her that $20. So, knowing she'd be happy for me and not take it as the drive was no longer necessary...I withheld the news for a minute. Once I got that $20 in her hands, a pack of smokes she hadn't been expecting and treats for her kids, I broke the news to her and she shared in my excitement. We celebrated the rest of the day. Rusty got her pretzel crust cheese pizza with no sauce from Pizza Hut in the quiet of her own home (she hated the noise of eating in the restaurant), Cort enjoying that giant chocolate chip cookie 'pizza' I ordered along with it. Cort learned how to do laundry in coin machines. Rusty and Cort learned how to use the pop machine outside our building. I had wine to drink
;) weee a truly fun evening! and my friend is off attending her event today. We are restored to financial well-being!Through all this I realize, there is no justice in this world from the worldly perspective. There really is only what is needed to trigger our expansions. Yes, the ones used to trigger those expansions might need a it more force to stop playing their role so effectively and we might perceive that as the serving of justice, but it may be in fact, only what their soul needs to be expanded, an expansion that may have been facilitated by our own which they were used to initiate and "encourage". And yes, there was a time I would have railed against such a "simplistic" and "spiritually bypassing" understanding. That would e the stage of developement where self acceptence and one's perspective is MORE important to embody efore we can move on to accepting another perspective. Sometimes we must must fully embody victim and apologies before we can accept "the good in everything". Even now, fully getting this understanding, I WILL allow certain aspects to go through this process, just as I did yesterday morning. I had to fully allow all my feelings and my own perspective as a victim before I could myself to accept my 'persecutors' could possibly feel the same way about me.
I also accepted in a new way how yes, people tend to favor those who need them more than they do a happy, self-sufficient, content, generous me. I used to resent that. They'd favor mean, selfish friends over me "because they need me". Now, I accept it. I don't need constant connection and get to enjoy mostly random moments of excitement and sharing. It works for me. I'm not missing out on anything. There's a whole party inside me.
Another synchronistic thing happened as I had a moment of realization at work: "Wow, this is the first time I did not start a job totally green, catch on quickly and exceed my co-workers!. Cool!" I wasn't being a perfectionist and I felt relief. Just as those thoughts were completing, a co-worker leaned over, put her arm around me and said "You know, I am so impressed with how fast you're catching on to this job and how well you're doing!"....lol My boss has mentioned how much she appreciates me after I braved my fear of being told I was being too sensitive about words co-workers had been using in referring to residents. "I feel the same way" she told me. I raved a fear in bringing a gift to one of the residents, of being told it was not my place only to be told by my boss she so appreciated employees who were so thoughtful about residents needs and smiled joyfully, sharing my excitement that I'd e able to share this thing I had bought with a resident who might benefit from it.
My entire experience is changing and morphing. My heart is breaking-in that good way day after day. It's so exciting! and painful and exhausting, lol Sleep time is of "dreams" where I am setting up camp in other "dimensions" where I've had negative relationship experiences. The place not really needing to be secure or able to provide anything, being more like a "spawn point" in a video game. It's where my consciousness will begin it's focus when my body is sleeping and where it will exit that "dimension" as my body here awakes, it appearing to be going to sleep there. Fascinating. Busy little bee, pollinating all sorts of places with this expanded and expanding consciousness!
So, yeah, it's been a few days since ya'll have heard the usual amount from me and so now it's all been cooked and I can served it out again
An American Bald Eagle is gliding overhead again this morning.
An ;)
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