Of inner journies with "higher callings"

Feeling the healing of a breakthrough!
So I have discovered this inner aspect of myself that draws fear, hurt to gut tearing degrees, illness, etc into it's self to keep me from getting "big". I had seen it all around throughout my life: those people who make friends choose between them and me because they are more needy. The only way they know how to get attention, get what they want is be sick, to be angry, to be victims of injustice. The fear is that I will no longer show it attention....a justified fear, really....as the saying goes "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" while the one fulfilling their responsibilities, the one no one has to worry about gets forgotten on the sidelines, asked to give up their place, their things, their relationships so the needier one can have them...that's how I got homeless for the first time; my mother told me parole conditions were that my brother live with her, he refused to if I still lived there, so I had to go; "You can take care of yourself". So, a part of me adopted that ploy with the other aspects of me; be in need, she'll not take those steps, make those choices that will allow us to succeed and then she won't forget me.....so what is it I will forget? To ride horses, to go swimming, to sit in trees....when I am small and homeless, there is nothing to do except those things, to linger in wild places, find solace in nature, etc. We should not go to nature simply for solace, why not when we are well? This aspect only allows me to feel wellness when there is nothing but me in nature without means to become distracted. So, that is why I've begun waking up profoundly sad, terrified, hopeless, keeping me paralyzed until I sit with it and give it my full attention. The earthly aspects that do not want to be abandoned for the heavenly ones because well-being is easy for it to achieve and if it is well, I might get carried off with some "higher purpose" or ":higher mission". And who should knock on my door this very moment as I believed I was at the end of typing this? Jehovah's Witnesses, to whom I used to belong who believed the gifts of spirit have ceased for all humans, where simplicity of existence was cherished and I originally felt like I also was.........lol My innocence wants attention! Now it all comes together....to be accepted among them, to be the congregation's darling, to be the one held up as an example required I denied my oneness with the Earth, my "magic", my "miraculous" abilities, it required I hate, so against my very nature....to hate what "god" hates, to hate the world, to hate "sins" rather than understand them, have compassion for them, acknowledge the validity of their existence, the reasons behind them......it required I hate aspects of myself without necessarily saying "I hate you" to them.....my stomach is easing it's clenching.......the story continues on within me, she tells me her story.....how it was OK with her to be denied, to have credit taken by some outside "god" for things she did and was capable of because even though she was denied to exist, she, too got to feed off the feelings of being cherished, valued while I was feeling them as a whole, it was the "higher calling" which drove us from the congregation deprived her of even that, though, and so she resented it....the wandering alone, dragged about and "taught" this "god" 's perspective, denied her gifts, no longer cherished by anyone except this "him".......so there we have the fear and resentment of "higher callings".
Thank you beloved, for sharing your story with me......
It continues with letting it be known the reason it comes forth as such at this time is because she sees what is coming into our experience......those with whom we share a resonance, who share a similar nature and she wants to be a part of it fully.....we had always been in the woods alone, never in groups, to "do our thing" and no one to tell about it who could appreciate it, that was never even a dream and yet now it is a potential and one we desire to experience, to feel, to dream into this reality. She wants that for me.