When no means no and when it don't.

"Would you consider friends with benefits?"
"That is in essence, what a romantic relationship is, isn't it?"
"Yes, but I like the  'benefits' to come sooner rather than later."
"So, you're just propositioning me for sex? My profile says I'm holding out for something in particular. I am not a liar and so your proposition was doomed from the beginning. Why did you set yourself up for failure?"
No response.
That's OK, I didn't need an answer. It's because he was hoping I'd be unfaithful. In his mind he wasn't setting himself up for failure and my changing my mind is not perceived as the act of unfaithfulness it is. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be accommodating. I'm supposed to give in to cajoling. Alot of men feel the same way about themselves as well. In men, however, to change one's mind to do what one really didn't want to to begin with is perceived as being generous, magnanimous. Ever watch a little girl get what she wants from her father? She'll grow up and do it to other men, too. No never means no in our society. A child says no and the parents try everything to convince them to cooperate. Say no to going to school, eating your vegetables, wearing 'appropriate' clothes and the assault begins. They don't see it as the assault it is, however. It's conniving, convincing, threatening and anything but allowing no to mean no. So, they go into the world and having learned that they can get whatever they want if they persist enough, they do not allow other people's no to mean no either. Such respect feels 'unnatural' after so many no violations. Then they become rapists, forcing consent out of intended victims who learned when they were young that their no cannot remain a no. These victims do not perceive their victim-hood, however, because their turning their no to a yes delivers to them the power of relief for both parties. It makes a man magnanimous. It makes a woman a good, nice girl.
     It can be so much different when nos are allowed to remain nos without any questions asked of them, no efforts made to change them. And the difference is interactions with deep respect, feelings of safety and security within one's self as well as in the world, a sense of freedom and the right to self determination. It is a key to self empowerment and empowerment of others. It is the essence of truly loving relationships.