This is a continuation of how the little old man who hates women is serving my realization of my highest potential. Release the pissed off and pop into observational mode....
I mentioned how I made sure to get enough I e to last because we didn't go yesterday as planned and my food was about room temperature. "You need to ask. I came by yesterday". My brain is at "fuck this shit, we had agreed to go around ten a.m. like always, you forgot and showed up later when I was out walking my dogs like I always do when I always do. It's your guilty conscience driving you to pick a fight with me, old man", but I keep that to myself. I know better than to resist that same old masculine insecurity.
He's not listening about why I will still be required to buy ice every other day. He would resist grasping why drinking water out of his water tank is not good enough for me (insecurities......). It tastes like mildew. His capful of bleach isn't enough to cover the taste and drinking bleach water is not desirable. He tests for neutral alkalinity or neutral pH levels- big deal; alkalinity or pH is needed to actually hydrate the body. So, not only does the water taste like shit, it's useless. Not something a man wants to hear after all the research, thought and effort he puts into it and "works just fine" for him.(His physical state would belay that, but that would be while 'nuther can of worms). So, I have a cooler with a spicket that has never had anything in it other than bottled drinking water and store bought ice. I clean it out regularly as well. I have it wrapped in insulation. It still needs ice every other day.
He insists I need to take his styrofoam cooler that's been painted, would make ice last longer. Food in a cooler with melting ice gets soggy, meat juices contaminate everything else, etc. Even if I don't fear death by food poisoning, the sensual aspects are not desirable; taste, texture, smell, appearance, etc. Just NO! Oh, but insecure men take that as my saying they aren't good enough because what they're offering is not good enough. That's what happens when we take things personally/out of context in our own heads. My resisting his own head game with himself is futile.
I know he feels he has "the right" to insist "because he's buying the ice". I never asked him to! I appreciate it because it allows me to purchase fresh food which is doing my physical health a world of good. At what cost? My sanity and dignity? Hell, no! Deep breaths; refocus, love, refocus... he's allowed to be in the position to be helping for my benefit. What do I get out of this realization-wise?
So, that puts me in tears trying to release the pain of being so resisted (and belittled by his eyes being rolled at me as I interact with other women about my dress, enjoying one-another's company and shared fun perception. Obviously born of jealousy of, rather than the jealous for and over that would be healthy in a mated relationship- which we aren't even in, so twice over inappropriate). Focus, love, focus: he's showing us what we don't want so we can realize what we do want and can focus on what we do want. So, I begin to imagine what if I was with a man who appreciated my perspective, recognized and expressed appreciation for my intelligence, acknowledged the beauty of how I set people at ease and draw them into sharing joy with me ...I am quite the artist! I cry at the beauty of that when....
He speeds up. He loves to hear my squealing delight at what I call the "whoopdiwoos"; dips in the road you can catch air on if you go fast enough. The last thing I was feeling was delight with him. That's when I normally get pissed off with a rant about performing like a dog and pony show for these fucking types of men: abuse me then smile on command so they feel good about themselves, well; fuck you! The urge to return the abuse is born right there in those moments. Instead; refocus, love, refocus....I imagine a man who understands when I don't feel like squealing with delight and would just reach over and squeeze my hand in warm understanding as we approach the whoopdiwoos. The imagining felt so real that I felt as if that hand was actually wrapped around mine, tears of joy began to pool in my eyes and my heart was immediately filled with delight that I could extend to the whoopdiwoos!
We began passed a camp that sells souvenirs in front of which tourists had stopped in the middle of the road to take photos. He sped up and got as close to the back end of their car as he could before going around it and began to open his mouth. I have seen his personality in action on the road every other time he's let me ride along with him so I could get ice: it's all a competition and revenge for things taken personally/out of context and I have no desire to be subject to more negativity. So; I beat him to it. 'oh! How wonderful! Tourists bringing their money into the Slabs! We so need as much as we can of that in the summer! And they're taking pictures they'll put online which will draw more people and bring more money into the Slabs! It's so wonderful!'. Yeah, his ire couldn't survive my sincerity. I feel proud as I realize I did not allow someone else to control the energy of my experience. I flipped the script of my reality, becoming a true sovereign and creator of my experience. I took the wheel! Thank you, Jesus; I've got the wheel from here😉
I arrived home to find a gift left on the chair in front of my camp. It was bottled water that I was almost out of, fresh food I would totally choose for myself, canned I would choose and flushable wipes just when I had only one wet one left!😲🥲🤗 Yup, more tears of joy. These were of relief and appreciation. I imagine a man coming into my life who knows what I like and how I like things and gets joy out of producing it for the purpose of gifting them to me. More tears of joy.
A blessed feeling; this feeling blessed🤗
The next day, the facing of self that was demonstrated by the man comes in. Have I been jealous of men? Yup. They generally know how to make the money, build what they need, know how to own things, etc. Jealous of people having friends, ease in socialization? Yup. Want a guy's resources without his personality just like men want the pussy without the personality? Yup. If you asked me any day before today if I hated men I would have believed not, that I love them, empathize with them, etc. Today, I realize that I have hated them but couldn't admit it to myself. Wow😲. I used to lament that men took my children who I adored away from me even though they didn't even want them to begin with and had nothing to do with them while I was with them. This morning I realized that I never wanted children to begin with, either. I AM the self hating God. I want to cry and laugh at the same time! Laugh at the irony and cry for the hurt I caused. Bloody hell; ain't that cunnin'?
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