My Dancing Wound

       I was just triggered while commenting on a short video: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1212955819409334?mibextid=S2eJsg&s=yWDuG2&fs=e 

      I believed I was defending the sanctity of a practice. I realized why it was such a touchy and for me:

      I would dance out here in the desert and an old man with serious stalkery vibes would ride his bike by, stop and try to watch. I was expressing prayerful joy and appreciation for my environment as well as the sensual experience of my body's movement; something sacred to me. I felt "filthy" with him watching and thought his wanting to watch filthy. It especially became so when I would be at the store and he'd ask if I would dance for him. Even after I expressed anger at that, he would still stalk me. 

    Reflection led me to my late 20's when I knew I was supposed to be in a relationship with a man due to a soul contract. I knew he'd be drawn if I danced seductively. As I did, I thought to myself that I could never respect a man who was drawn to that intentional sexual seduction to ensnare. It disgusted me just like that old man.

     I felt "disgust". That felt familiar. Sexuality disgusted my mother. So did my greasy hair, the fact that I rode western and received champion ribbons at every show, riding with pelvis back instead of under and back straight instead of relaxed as was "the right way". The idea of me having had sex brought on a rampage of disgust. Eventually her disgust was returned by me.

     I remembered when I told my uncle proudly that I was going to be in a belly dance show on my early 20's. He refused to come because that would be bad. Disgust at my inviting him to observe what, to him, would have been sexual entered the scene. The whole reason I was drawn to and proud of my belly dancing was because I was taught that it was sacred and anything but sexual. It was a bonding with other women that I so desperately wanted because I felt such a lack of it in my life experience. No one else in my family came to watch me. My mother always viewed other women (including me, even as a child) as sexual competition for the attention of any and all men. 

     I took dance classes for tap, jazz, ballet, and gymnastics when I was a child in grade school. I did well in them all despite my stage fright. On stage wasn't so bad because we really couldn't see the audience and I could easily imagine they weren't there and would be focused on my fellow dancers whose families they were anyways. They came to see them, not me, so no pressure imagined. When my gymnastics instructor wanted me to demonstrate something for the rest of the class, however, I lost my grip and smashed myself into a cement wall, blacking out. Up close center of attention terrified me. When the idea of training me for the Olympics was introduced, I quit dancing. Quit riding dressage as a teen for the same reason. Being the center of attention even kept me from my own birthday parties and doing oral reports in school. 

      The struggle within myself was between the desire to be watched in appreciation and the reality of stage fright coupled with unwanted/traumatizing observers. This struggle manifested it's self when commenting on a dance form being "over sexualized". Quite a rabbit hole for me! I don't like pleasing myself sexually for a man wanting to watch. I don't watch porn and even avert my eyes at sex scenes in non x-rated movies. I skip those parts in books I read. I'm free with myself sexually and feel comfortable being sexual, just not with sexual voyeurism. 

    At the end of this, I realize I was accused of bad intentions. People with bad intentions or who were falsely accused of having bad intentions are the first to see and accuse of bad intentions. A mistruth can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. True intentions have been labeled "bad" when we hold no ill intent. We may become insecure about our intentions then and end up doing the same to others so we can "do right". 

    The reason for this is dancing wound is a pot luck in a mixed bag, I am seeing. I don't really want or feel the need to pick apart each ingredient and setting. 

     What I can do is introduce myself to "healthy"/ better feeling perceptions: 

      The desire to observe and be observed with appreciation is the driving force of physical existence as I know it. How many children's voices ring out in public places; "Look ma!"? It's quite normal. 

     We can expect the level of appreciation to match our level of enthusiasm toward our expression. That is; if the Law of Attraction is to be taken into consideration.

      Sex is a normal, healthy aspect of adult humanity that validly needs and deserves it's time to shine. 

       I have learned healthy boundaries, how to express them comfortably and how to recognize energies I desire interacting with in a sexual way. I feel comfortable expressing my preferences. I feel comfortable exploring sexuality so I am aware of my preferences and may develop new ones. I am confident in my choices of sexual preferences as well as non-sexual. I can choose what is sexual or non-sexual for myself without feeling threatened by others choosing to sexualize that which I do not. 

     Shoot; I have a gay male friend who playfully illicits sexual responses from me, obviously without any sexual intent and I am comfortable with it. I can joke lewdly with a CIS male comfortably without sexual intention entering the vibration. I recognize when it is "safe" and when it would illicit unwanted sexual attention. 

     I would not put myself in an environment that would sexualize activities I wouldn't want to have sexualized. 

     Now that it comes down to it, I have been creating a life experiences with little to no unwanted characters or feelings. People find myself and my place clean, cozy, desirable, admirable. They imitate and follow my example. They express appreciation for who I am and the skills I have. They're proud to know and be associated with me. Sweet realization! 🤗🎉

That takes care of that trigger!

I have been claimed.

I am owned* see link below  

I am recognized. 

I am understood.

Look; it picked it's self apart! My brain just came along for the realization, observation and translation ride. 

Stacey the Eresi, indeed🤣

     * Video from Teal Swan about what I mean by owned: https://youtu.be/RI9iu8j_f5c