Sunday, June 25, 2023

Core Parental Wounds; "Not in MY house" Creates Abusive Landlords and Employers, Gamblers, Thieves, Cure for Poverty and Corruption

        Core wounds of my masculine aspect from parental interactions are at the fore recently. This morning I realized I could not allow a man to financially support me and have a healthy sexual relationship with him. I have been replaying my father's sexually molesting me with the men who financially support me.

       That's why I only took lovers when I had my own means and when I don't, it's only perverted old men who are willing to respond to my material needs. It's because the one who was "supposed to" provide for and protect me left my material provisions to my mother who resented doing so and refused with the excuse; "you're too picky". Then he violated me when I couldn't speak up. 

     When I finally told him; "I'll tell mom!", he told me to go ahead. She shrugged it off, saying she was going to divorce him anyways. She threatened to use it against him in court to get everything she wanted in the divorce. Then she and he told every I had lied about it because they caught me in bed with a boyfriend I didn't have at 14 years old so they could have sex together again without people thinking poorly of my mother who made herself victim again. We would hear them in the shower together at night after we were in bed. Talk about traumatic! 

       So, yeah; my life has been a loop of sexual violation from men in association with material provisions or resentment and abuse from women in association with it. It came from both mother-in-laws were involved. 

      It all started to come up when a community leader posted a rant on Facebook, in essence saying; "After all we've done for you....". Yup, the ol' parental guilt trip, emotional abuse, we "owe" for what should have been provided unconditionally. That one didn't hit me, however I did sense it hitting the community. "Don't do me any favors". The responding; "Fine, I won't let anyone do me any favors" core creation generator, I DO recognize within myself. That just compounds the resist in me to be provided for.

      Another wound I see in people is the ol' ; "Not in MY house!" The deep rooted fear of losing home while being unable to fend for one's self terrorizes is as children before we can handle it and so we recreate it in our lives with landlords and employers.

     I don't remember hearing this one myself, however I hear it alot in my community; "That's why we can't have nice things". So, we learn at an early age to take the blame for everyone else's poverty. Self-fulfilling prophesy is born and gamblers and thieves along with it.

     Self esteem is the only cure for poverty and injustice. The words to express how we're affected help. I hope I have shared words that help others as they're helping me 🙏

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