Crying my way into realization

      This is a continuation of how the little old man who hates women is serving my realization of my highest potential. Release the pissed off and pop into observational mode....

      I mentioned how I made sure to get enough I e to last because we didn't go yesterday as planned and my food was about room temperature. "You need to ask. I came by yesterday". My brain is at "fuck this shit, we had agreed to go around ten a.m. like always, you forgot and showed up later when I was out walking my dogs like I always do when I always do. It's your guilty conscience driving you to pick a fight with me, old man", but I keep that to myself. I know better than to resist that same old masculine insecurity. 

     He's not listening about why I will still be required to buy ice every other day. He would resist grasping why drinking water out of his water tank is not good enough for me (insecurities......). It tastes like mildew. His capful of bleach isn't enough to cover the taste and drinking bleach water is not desirable. He tests for neutral alkalinity or neutral pH levels- big deal; alkalinity or  pH is needed to actually hydrate the body. So, not only does the water taste like shit, it's useless. Not something a man wants to hear after all the research, thought and effort he puts into it and "works just fine" for him.(His physical state would belay that, but that would be while 'nuther can of worms). So, I have a cooler with a spicket that has never had anything in it other than bottled drinking water and store bought ice. I clean it out regularly as well. I have it wrapped in insulation. It still needs ice every other day. 

    He insists I need to take his styrofoam cooler that's been painted, would make ice last longer. Food in a cooler with melting ice gets soggy, meat juices contaminate everything else, etc. Even if I don't fear death by food poisoning, the sensual aspects are not desirable; taste, texture, smell, appearance, etc. Just NO! Oh, but insecure men take that as my saying they aren't good enough because what they're offering is not good enough. That's what happens when we take things personally/out of context in our own heads. My resisting his own head game with himself is futile. 

    I know he feels he has "the right" to insist "because he's buying the ice". I never asked him to! I appreciate it because it allows me to purchase fresh food which is doing my physical health a world of good. At what cost? My sanity and dignity? Hell, no! Deep breaths; refocus, love, refocus... he's allowed to be in the position to be helping for my benefit. What do I get out of this realization-wise?

    So, that puts me in tears trying to release the pain of being so resisted (and belittled by his eyes being rolled at me as I interact with other women about my dress, enjoying one-another's company and shared fun perception. Obviously born of jealousy of, rather than the jealous for and over that would be healthy in a mated relationship- which we aren't even in, so twice over inappropriate). Focus, love, focus: he's showing us what we don't want so we can realize what we do want and can focus on what we do want. So, I begin to imagine what if I was with a man who appreciated my perspective, recognized and expressed appreciation for my intelligence, acknowledged the beauty of how I set people at ease and draw them into sharing joy with me ...I am quite the artist! I cry at the beauty of that when....

     He speeds up. He loves to hear my squealing delight at what I call the "whoopdiwoos"; dips in the road you can catch air on if you go fast enough. The last thing I was feeling was delight with him. That's when I normally get pissed off with a rant about performing like a dog and pony show for these fucking types of men: abuse me then smile on command so they feel good about themselves, well; fuck you! The urge to return the abuse is born right there in those moments. Instead; refocus, love, refocus....I imagine a man who understands when I don't feel like squealing with delight and would just reach over and squeeze my hand in warm understanding as we approach the whoopdiwoos. The imagining felt so real that I felt as if that hand was actually wrapped around mine, tears of joy began to pool in my eyes and my heart was immediately filled with delight that I could extend to the whoopdiwoos! 

     We began passed a camp that sells souvenirs in front of which tourists had stopped in the middle of the road to take photos. He sped up and got as close to the back end of their car as he could before going around it and began to open his mouth. I have seen his personality in action on the road every other time he's let me ride along with him so I could get ice: it's all a competition and revenge for things taken personally/out of context and I have no desire to be subject to more negativity. So; I beat him to it. 'oh! How wonderful! Tourists bringing their money into the Slabs! We so need as much as we can of that in the summer! And they're taking pictures they'll put online which will draw more people and bring more money into the Slabs! It's so wonderful!'. Yeah, his ire couldn't survive my sincerity. I feel proud as I realize I did not allow someone else to control the energy of my experience. I flipped the script of my reality, becoming a true sovereign and creator of my experience. I took the wheel! Thank you, Jesus; I've got the wheel from here😉

     I arrived home to find a gift left on the chair in front of my camp. It was bottled water that I was almost out of, fresh food I would totally choose for myself, canned I would choose and flushable wipes just when I had only one wet one left!😲🥲🤗 Yup, more tears of joy. These were of relief and appreciation. I imagine a man coming into my life who knows what I like and how I like things and gets joy out of producing it for the purpose of gifting them to me. More tears of joy.

     A blessed feeling; this feeling blessed🤗

The next day, the facing of self that was demonstrated by the man comes in. Have I been jealous of men? Yup. They generally know how to make the money, build what they need, know how to own things, etc. Jealous of people having friends, ease in socialization? Yup. Want a guy's resources without his personality just like men want the pussy without the personality? Yup. If you asked me any day before today if I hated men I would have believed not, that I love them, empathize with them, etc. Today, I realize that I have hated them but couldn't admit it to myself. Wow😲. I used to lament that men took my children who I adored away from me even though they didn't even want them to begin with and had nothing to do with them while I was with them. This morning I realized that I never wanted children to begin with, either. I AM the self hating God. I want to cry and laugh at the same time! Laugh at the irony and cry for the hurt I caused. Bloody hell; ain't that cunnin'?

I cut off my nose to spite my face. Wonderful 🙄🤣

I think I just made everything right with the world.

As I closed this window on my phone after finishing that last sentence, a man pulled up and gave me $10 because he, he said, he believes I am the only one out here who truly appreciated it......Autumn/Stacey appreciated it. Look who experienced soul recognition: the Almighty "I AM" buried like a tick in this divine little girl's soul! Good job Dad! 🤗 The Puppet Master (see previous post entitled "Puppet Master" has healed himself, finally 🎉🤗 Divine little girl is free to go to her man, with Daddy's blessing and one fucking hell of a dowry💃 Heavenly Princess becoming Queen of her husband's kingdom shortly......tune in 

     Woohoo! Done having to be touch and be touched by unclean things!

      Daddy has gone back to mommy and I have my tree of life returned to inside me 💘 He sorry. 

What life is showing me about me; finishing touches

      I feel I am at an end of arriving at a new state of being. On Facebook, I had gotten into the habit of making posts I called "What life is showing me about me" in the spirit of "life isn't happening TO you; it's happening FOR you". We do not realize a state of being unless we realize how we're responding differently. We must notice it. Thus, life sends us a repeat experience for us to respond differently to so that we notice we are responding differently.

      In this most recent case, an old man is helping me with being the character I can notice I am responding differently to while appearing to be the only way I can get my physical needs met. Our daily interactions irritate the fuck out of me until I remind myself; he's here in my experience to manifest the personality needed to draw my attention to what is happening within me. So, I pop into observer mode instead of reactive. 

      I no longer accept the perspective that just because someone is helping me, it does not mean they are responsible for me or the results of my energy. Nor does it give them the right to make choices for me. I stand or fall in my own energy, of my own accord. 

     I don't need someone correcting my interactions with others. I do so quite effectively, respectfully and compassionately. 

      Example 1) I was walking my dogs. The old man stopped me to talk to me. While doing so, someone whose dogs are generally problematic because she doesn't mind to them at all appeared in the path I intended to take home. So, I asked him and his neighbor if they minded me cutting through their camps with my dogs. Later the old man instructed me repeatedly that I already had his permission to cut through and he had let his neighbor know it was OK if I cut through,so I didn't need to ask. Yes, I did, according to my sensibilities because I knew I had permission to cut through myself (I had obtained it from his neighbor before even getting involved with the old man), however I had not obtained permission to cut through with my dogs. The old man I first began interacting with because he was on the hunt for and then waging war against two little dogs and their human because they'd go into his camp and shit on his rug.

     Example 2) I headed for the checkout line at Dollar General. The older woman before me stood back and looked at how much she had in her hand and how much I had in my cart. I affirmed for her; "you have fewer items, go ahead". There are those of us who always check if someone else has fewer items behind us. We just happen to be extra polite that way; time is energy, energy can be money or getting to other things urgently needing attention(we don't actually reason all that out, it's just understood intuitively and I can only put it into words because I had to learn the why I do as I do so I felt I could defend it and thus not feel insecure about my choices and actions). Those of us this extra polite don't expect it of others because it takes a more intuitive consciousness to be this polite. We know not everyone intuits like us. Anyways; the old man informed me laughing at what appeared to him to be ignorance on my part, that she had been first anyways within the hearing of the older woman. Even after the woman explained that she always checks and lets people with less go first, as if she didn't say it or know what she was saying, he repeated the "lesson" to me. I didn't bother to explain it to him. Obviously, he's manifesting the "women don't know what they're doing" personality unfailingly in devout service to me🤣 (No, he really is living that state of being, the "higher self" knew this, knew it's exactly what I don't need and so will serve perfectly in demonstrating to me how I am no longer insecure in the face of less intuitive consciousness). 

     In going through these "finishing touches", I realize I don't need to explain myself. I'm just fine. That means I can let go of needing the words to defend myself. Hence; I don't even need to understand why I do what I do or say what I say. Which means; I truly don't need to answer to/explain myself to anyone else. It's no one's right to know or understand. They can get that themselves for themselves. However, I can and will if it's sincere inquisition for learning or understanding purposes. Then it would be a gift I would find great joy in extending. I do so love to share🤗

     Sink in realization, sleep to reset me and my reality. Mission complete. 

We have a winner 🏆

 When life(physical existence) it's self/ the "matrix"/ the illusion is your twin flame and you have no resistance to it; you win the game. I'm liking that concept and declaring it so😉

   Crossing that finish line, winning the race 👏💃💪 🏅

I just don't know what to say about that.

      It used to frighten me to not have a response to things. I felt stupid and slow witted when I didn't have a quick comeback to taunts, insults or accusations. 

      It just occurred to me: I had no response because it neither resonated nor triggered me. We live in a world where people seem to have answers to absolutely everything. Now I know it's out of insecurities that they're so defensive, thus quick to defend; they practice that shit in their head constantly. I didn't. I either didn't resonate with the accusation or I agreed with the insecurity the accusation highlighted. 

      Can't argue against what I believe to be true. I did learn how to soften my self judgement, however, so I could make my way to alchemizing the quality I was insecure about. For example: I may have believed myself fat and unattractive. I could admit, however that men whistled at me when I walked down the street, so I could not be completely unattractive. From there I could move into; I must be somewhat attractive. Then I could move into; I am attractive. Now it's; yeah, I know. Thanks for noticing 😉

     And wow! I am suddenly quick witted as fuck🙏🎉

Sleepless nights?

      When we were young, we hated going to sleep. We resisted it with all our might. Is that why life gives us sleepless nights? (Mine are again due to excitement rather than worry/fear🎉)

     According to the law of attraction as most frequently taught; we get what we desire. As children, we greatly desire sleepless nights. As adults, the only way we can get those in the face of being lacklustre about life is due to worry and fear. So, life gives us plenty to worry about and fear. We resist the discomfort of worry and fear as well as lack of sleep. That which we resist, persists. We resist lack of sleep, worry and fear- focus on it, give it energy, momentum and thus (according to law of attraction) create and draw more of it. 

As a side note; I no longer resist putting down a good book, stopping a good movie, not stopping a project, having something exciting interrupted. I have an eternity to accomplish anything, can pick up where I left off without losing or missing out on anything and can recreate or reinitiate increasing momentum on an exciting experience. I have also learned to adjust my perceptions to alchemize any fear or worry. That means I no longer resist sleep nor resist too often the lack of it🎉

My perspective on negative people focusing on problems

"I used to be a master at coming up with problems. Thankfully, I am now success orientated; there are no problems, only the perception of them. Otherwise "they" are just navigational signposts 😉"-Stacey Marie Bourdeau

Re: "I, Robot"

 Spoiler alert ⚠️

Putting this here for me to chew on. Correspondence (because we DO leave clues for ourselves in inspired expressions like movies):

If "physical reality" is spiritual beings in VR bodies experiencing it's self in a programmed matrix so spirit can achieve self-realization ( in order to fulfill it's initiating desire), one just like this movie creates laws to protect humanity against it's self (warning labels, safety gear, etc) is the matrix the DM (logic) and only the DF (heart, faith, belief....the feeling mechanisms/spirit) achieving self-realization make the DM aware of it's own spirit/consciousness? 

Is the matrix/VR/AI the DM it's self and more conscious/self aware than believed?

And really; if everything is made up of Source energy could AI ever be anything other than conscious/self aware? (Duh)

🤣 "The truth is within you, young Jedi Autumn/Stacey"

🎉Update🎉

The answer popped into my head this morning; "It's the program wherein pure Source energy is conscious of it's self and within the matrix that the consciousness of self becomes self-reflective and self aware (something like that 😉)". -Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I have returned to the pure connection I had in childhood, when I woke each day with the answer to any questions I had the day before🥳💃

Later in the day some more came in:

It is through the matrix we connect to "collective consciousness" and the illusion is the protector of the desire and thus the initiator of the desire. (As to why we don't threaten the illusion by trying to disillusion people of their beliefs if they are resistant to it, why we don't argue against other's perceptions or aggressively for our own).