A fusion of moments, I AM loved.

  I did not know how it was all connected until today's end. How and why was it the realization of how deeply I was romantically loved came as I faced a traumatic moment of many years past? A moment I had long forgotten and moved way past?
  It began last evening with a statement made by a rabid narcissist who has made me her focus. I knew there was something to be gained from every experience, every person we interact with but the purpose of this one was illusive and felt ridiculous. No response or lack of one dissuaded the persistence for attention desired via conflict. Whatever, I responded to the ridiculousness of it: "dance brighter!" I sang out to her with her every sentence until it finally sank in for her it was the only thing she was going to hear from me in response to anything she uttered "We don't need no water, let the little woman burn! Burn, little woman, burn!" came from in me after she left with: "If I were you and had to live in your thinking, I'd have shot myself in the head long ago!". Whatever. I enjoyed being in my head. My thoughts all love and support and cherish and protect me. I went to bed.
  I woke this morning and she was waiting for me. "Can I ask you....". "NO!", I respond firmly. She continues  and so I cut in; "If you persist, I will consider it stalking and harassment and I WILL be ON IT". Still, she persists. I pick up the phone and begin dialing...she relents.
  As I began my morning reflections, it began to sink in...........
  I was given a 357 magnum "for your protection". It was loaded with a variety of bullets: armor piercing, exploding heads, a nice little variety of effective and interesting. Nothing was going to survive me shooting it. I couldn't picture myself using it, but I was polite and didn't want to offend a friend. I had fired guns before, was no stranger to them, just not that interested. I could feel the fear infused in this one and cleansed it by the very nature of my energy in holding and cleaning it for maintenance, giving it a bit of my attention.
  Then there was the night, sobbing, I held it cocked and loaded to my own head under the influence of a wizardly musician who had thoughts of suicide in his own head, angry he could not have me.....
when I remembered it, I was glad I didn't. I began to be fortified as I began to be able to appreciate all the lives I had touched since then. I began to appreciate all the experiences and personal development that occurred due to them. As I let that appreciation come in after spending the past week thinking "the divine does not love me", It occurred to me that I was loved by me and romantically and deeply, though how I got that from all this and by whom eluded me. Then I was triggered to remember the moment of the
                                                                      *CLICK*
  While that gun was cocked, loaded and pointing at my own head, I had been lamenting how nobody loves me, my life didn't matter. I had lost two daughters, then in an act of immense bravery I agreed to have another and I opened my heart to loving and adoring her, only to have her stolen from me, another failed marriage, a friend who hated me because I brought healing to his friend when he was powerless to do anything, all my female friends had abandoned me and so I had struck out at them in resentment, how did my act of such bravery not go rewarded and appreciated, why doesn't life or anyone love me?.........when suddenly I had perfect clarity and the thoughts came to me: "I don't think like this. This isn't me". The depression had instantaneously vanished from me. I laid the gun to rest, amazed I had actually considered using it.
   As I remembered that part in response to the thought "the divine does not love me", a click again: it was He who had saved me. It was He who had created that "click" and brought those life saving thoughts to me. Today I was given to mention the origins of certain religions being of gods wanting their own extinction, another suicidal theme. I had saved Him just as He had saved me. I had made his eternity worth living.
  I have astounded, confounded, amazed and frustrated Him. He would have me pinned between two options and from deep within I knew there were three and with all the courage I could muster, I took a deep breath in of my own fear and chose that which was invisible to Him and what I believed could not be a part of this reality. With it I would be given to succeed for there was a "She" also watching out for me for the sake of Him as well as me for "She" was the cause of Him as "She" was the cause of all things. Oh! The vengeance, the fury! The edges of physical death, the edges of sanity! All wrought upon me purposely in response to His experiencing them in the face of my innocence and naivety! The hatred of spirits frothing with resentment, judgement and jealousy, of scars going back for an eternity due to energies I was given to embody! The humiliation and degradation given to be enacted by other "women" because unintentionally I triggered feelings of such ion Him.The ignorance I was kept in for the sake of authenticity!
  So now I see Him and He sees me, the human being promoted to Goddess, one wee little Stacey.
Heh, the little narcissist DID have a gift worth giving in her animosity due to intimidation, jealousy and insecurity. Everyone in our lives for a reason, every moment having purpose and meaning, every bit of it a true story.
   Now we come into wholeness. Now we know what love means.