I WAS a bitch about it and the heart CAN be poisonous...

     I realized I was a bitch to somebody and it's root was in jealousy. Believe it or not it has everything to do with "awakening", lol.
     When it all began in earnest, I belonged to a Christian fundamentalist "high control group". I shall call this phase "The Calling". The scriptures came to life before and within me. One would pop into my head calling me into a greater destiny and be immediately refuted with one of condemnation as a woman and therefore unworthy, unqualified for the position for which I was being recruited. So, I bowed out of the religion declaring myself a poison to them.
     Then came years of bitterness as this war continued inside me, as two forces battled, it seemed, and I was tossed about within it like a toy within the wind.I continued to feel a sense of being alienated as I entered the realms of "love and light" and "enlightenment". the "arrogance" of and "demeaning" from the "Masters" and "channeled entities". So, when embodiment began, I felt like an original, as if this process belonged uniquely to me. I became possessive of it, defensive of it and didn't share it with anybody for this reason as well as fear of being called crazy while imagining offense at not being taken seriously, not given a place among them-the "Masters" and "Enlightened".
    As embodiment began, my eyes began to see in "technicolor" as if I was in a cartoon reality. People in general looked like caricatures of characters and I really couldn't take them seriously. I was constantly trying to keep myself from, at them, laughing. It was as if I was trying to maneuver two separate bodies to keep from stumbling. I now know it was my physical and energetic bodies not quite in alignment as what was trying to be embodied was of a much higher vibration than my physical body. Miracles happened, unusual events, paradise on Earth for me amidst a hellish reality from which I had become disconnected and judged arrogantly in my immaturity. I could hardly believe me and feared arrogance had led to my experiencing feelings of uniqueness, difference, separation from the unawakened/"unenlightened". I alternated between defending the "normal" human being and judging them harshly.
   The years rolled by, taking on a rhythm: spring was a time of new energy, new perspective I'd have embodied, summer to practice it and put it to the test, fall the scrolls rolled out in Divine presence; "Had learned her lessons?", the harvest would come with twisted prophesies and understandings due to my resistance to the idea that I WAS doing something people would consider to be done and said only by someone who was crazy. Fear tainted everything I did and said: poisonous and self-righteous but in comparison to others, with far more clarity and innocence.
    When I gave up resistance and fear of being called crazy because, well, let's face it, I had already had everything taken from me. Nothing left to lose and all of me to be freed to expressing. Slowly, the poison left me. I gained acceptance from others the more I accepted and expressed me and what I was receiving.
 Now once again the season is upon us: the next wave is receiving the calling while those before them are beginning their initial embodiment of the entity for whom an avatar they were serving. Then there is the "quickening" when even those avatars are culled and thinned out, narrowed down to the most likely to "make it". They may even be passed on to a higher vibrational entities for whom the previous entity was an avatar...woopie! it DOES get busy, with walk-ins and ride-alongs, teachers and students, offspring to come.......
  Oh, yes, for some the adventure is only just beginning and their arrogance, "touchiness" about wording, so very familiar to me.
  And that is why I get all "ruffly" when I see all the memes about "heart centered" and "heart led" realities. The heart was the first "entity", the first organ to become it's form and thinking within the human body. Then along comes the brain to which is attributed to and entrusted with the thinking. And there's this core, this central sun and this womb or cock connected to it. The heart can be full of bitter resentment and manipulative attachment to people, places, things, ideas, judgements that it calls love. This kind of love is treacherous. It is tainted with it's own self interests and desires for acknowledgement. It needs just as much love and compassion as any other aspect out of wholeness and alignment. The heart is just like the person beginning to come to life spiritually....it's going from enmity in duality into wholeness and peace. It is on it's own journey within the human being.
  So it was I found myself being anything but welcoming into the "higher realms of consciousness", "the new Earth timeline" or whatever someone wants to call it. I struggle in the mind and heart with what it means to be a sovereign being amongst sovereign and non-sovereign beings calling upon or not some supreme being that may or may not be me but with whom I have become one with on occasion when it came to call, when it came to mark, when it came to claim, when it came to empower, when it came to set free......for last fall, my scroll was handed over to me as I was given sovereignty. Oh yes indeed, WTF does it mean to be a"fully embodied" one which for a very long time has not been seen amongst human kind? Not even trying to assign that wrapping job to my mind!