Money, money, money

      Yesterday I was denied access to something due to a lack of acceptance of a universal insurance and prepared myself for the journey through phone calls, etc to obtain it. A man steped in and threw cash at the situation. Got what I needed that easily. Love it! That's the kind of existence I am wanting. Smooth and easy, "can do!" attitude and means.
      Later in the evening I was discussing history with a woman and the difference between poor dirt farmers' and wealthy people's reaction to the "Depression". Nothing changed for the poor dirt farmers who were foraging for wild edibles and making due to begin with. The ones with money were throwing themselves out windows experiencing devastation. I focused on happiness and contentment while the person I was speaking with returned to "so many lost so much money in that".
    I was given to reflect on thoughts about money. It's a topic which will continue to evolve but so far the following is what was drifting in on the waves of consciousness I was given access:
   Money was intended to have only a temporary existence in the average human being's existence. Livestock or crafts were traded for it so one could travel a distance without the huge burdens and then change the money for what they had traveled to accomplish. Money meant convenience. It was meant to return to it's creator with interest or profit. Money facilitated fluidity and transmutation of goods and things. These could be considered more feminine qualities.
  Numbers are rigid, strict, non-transmutable. Numbers are on money. Money became simply numbers in machines, rigidity made etheric possibly. Now these numbers representing money travel at the speed of light facilitating convenience and transforming lives which have become pretty much dependent upon the ability to claim the existence of these numbers under our control and influence.
  Money is now meant for the average person to accumulate, save, becoming fixed in an average person's experience while it's the numbers being played with.
  All of these thoughts are probably stepping stones in the expansion of my consciousness and facilitating the eventual role money will play in the next stage of my physical incarnation's journey. We'll see where it goes!

Storms come, destroy and cleanse, renewing

 Monday came and went, a day full of blessings. Every errand I ran involved people who were friendly and outgoing. The school bus dropped my children off early. Smooth sailing. Night was a cycle of fever and chills, nose is running still.
   My son's tears and reluctance to go to school served as a catalyst for my own emotional cleansing. The spot of woods I ran into had a chunk of tree that had been cut off, it's partial limbs stripped of bark as if a wood carver had been at it. Turned over, it's odd lengths created stability on the embankment for sitting upon.
   As I sat and released a cardinal came to sit upon the branch next to me. Crows circled overhead cawing as if ready to do battle with whatever was bothering me. A leaf pressed to forehead eased tension like a lover's kiss of blessing. Crying turned into singing and joyous communion amongst the tres. The cardinal followed me out as the crows had quieted and left me. The song bird who usually greets me at the basketball hoop joined it's presence with this morning's feathered retinue. As I sat to begin typing this, I glanced at the open window to see cardinal had followed me here, too. Peace and company are this morning's storm's gifts to me.

A Juxtaposition

       I find myself facing one of my subconscious reasons for maintaining smallness of being. Each morning for the past two days, 3 a.m. I find myself waking. In comes anxiety and the smell of potential depression. Just breath. The answer is here, in me. I only need come into alignment with it. This place is refining me. Just breath.
        In speaking with someone I mentioned how many employers are only offering part time hours for employment so they can avoid paying benefits and things. "For them, maybe (referring to another family) but you have too many qualifications. You're going to get full time employment.". And this is where I am tempted to go back into smallness of being. "For those with more, more is expected" or some such thing is a phrase from the bible deep in the consciousness of our society.
      So many are fighting for the "right to work". I believe the right to life includes the right to everything needed to sustain that life as an inalienable, given, freely available, unconditional. I have worked so hard to bring myself and my two children out of crisis consciousness, survival mode, domestic violence, victim mentality, emotional dependency, etc........full time employment in a traditional employer/employee model would take them and thus all I have accomplished (my fear) from this family. They are placed in school where already the abuse is affecting their state of being.
     The classroom rule is "Must make dear teacher happy". The teacher is arguing with me on this. Children are hardly secure in maintaining their own happiness, never mind being responsible for an adult's."As long as they follow the first rules, I am happy, I tell the children"; came the teacher's response. Last I checked in the English language "I" and "Me" referred to the same person. First day the bus had to turn around and go back to school because a child on the bus had something in their backpack they shouldn't. This left my daughter crying and confused. The second day a new bus driver got lost first driving to the wrong street with a similar name and then circling the one with the right name for half an hour at least. My daughter came off the bus doubled over with stomach pains and my son reporting his own crying. His perpetually running nose and cough, his manifestations of the stress he experiences when having to go to school have already had their beginning.
     Now, if I were to leave my children with a friend or lover who was emotionally abusive and prone to such misfortune one might call irresponsible, the state would take my children due to improper supervision. When it comes to a government run institution, however, our society looses perspective. The employees of said organizations/institutions can do no wrong while the individual human is constantly under suspicion.
    So, the "logical" solution would be to remove my children from the care and keeping of such in-adeptness. The program I'm in will not let me (my fear). The program is school enrollment for children, after school care and summer programs added to it, while the parent is required to find employment within 30 days of entrance. In short: I remove my children from school and I lose the roof over our head, source of food, transportation and an entire support system. That would make ME irresponsible, wouldn't it?
  Damned if I do and damned if I don't "juxtaposition". I am "irresponsible", "neglectful", "abusive" on either avenue. Both are birds, only one is real and true. Remain small and keep my children with me or expand into my fullness and leave them to be raised, conditioned, by the system it seems.
Breath it in, love the aspects, allow it to come to me. Allow the refining. Applaud the children's bravery: they went to school knowing the bus ride was still coming. "No matter what", I told them,"the adults will get you to me. Whether the bus is late, redirected, a cop has to drive you or we come get you, you will always be brought to me". They still trust me. Invaluable. I've done and am doing marvelous things. The redeeming perspective is upon me and I am allowing. I am receiving.

Blessed by the Mer-King

    Once upon a time there was a beautiful fairy princess especially loved by the Mother.  The beautiful fairy princess grew tired of being spoiled and saw problems with the world of fairies and of men.
    The beautiful fairy princess took on human form and went to live in the world of men. There she married a suspiciously elf-like man. She loved him and loved what she could do for him. The fairy princess was used to her freedom while her husband was used to being oppressed. The presence of and encouragement from a free soul CAN do great things for oppressed people.....if they actually want to truly be free.
    Being spoiled, however came with it's own problems. The beautiful fairy princess became pregnant. While she was pregnant she was sent to the ocean to receive a message from one of the creatures within it. To her surprised delight, not just a single creature showed up. As she swam into the depths, sea creatures of every kind lined up to each side. At the end of the path made by the sea creatures was the Mer-King. As she drew before him, he pointed his trident towards her belly. The Mer-King was placing a blessing upon her yet to be born child. The beautiful fairy princess was offended. She had come for her own message, her own blessing. "What about me?!", she pouted.
   Not long after the beautiful fairy princess received word: that very day her husband would be killed in an accident at work. Oh, how worried she became! "What about me?! What shall I do? How shall I provide for my child? What about my plans?". So she prayed and she prayed all day, begging and pleading; "Do not take my husband from me!". Sure enough, her husband came home from work speaking of a minor explosion from one of the machines he worked with. The explosion did not kill him as it should have. The fairy princess felt relieved and thought "I saved my husband! How powerful and wonderful of me!".
   Life did not go well from there. The beautiful fairy princess paid for her selfishness in wanting her own blessing instead of simply rejoicing in her child's. She paid for her selfish prayer about her husband which showed only concern for her fear and lack of faith that she would always be looked after instead of concern and respect and honor for her husband's destiny. Her husband became very depressed and unhappy with his life: the life he wasn't supposed to be living.
  So, the beautiful fairy princess was banished by her husband and from her daughter. She was sent forth to learn her lessons about not being selfish, how to rejoice for others and not to interfere in another's journey. It was a hard life for her. She missed her daughter and didn't understand why it had all failed so miserably.
  Eventually the beautiful fairy princess learned to rejoice for others, honor and respect their journies, and how to celebrate her daughter's journey, even in her absence. It all began to make sense. The beautiful fairy princess was restored to her kingdom in the magical lands far away from the land of men who don't really want to be free. Her daughter continued to be enchanted by the world of men. She wasn't ready to leave. The beautiful fairy princess understood, for she had gone into the world of men for the very same reasons her daughter wanted to stay. So, she blessed her daughter. She trusted in the blessing upon her daughter from the Mer-King. She trusted she and her daughter would always be looked after and cared for. Having done all she could do in the world of men, she began her reign in the magical realms as queen.

Revisiting some inspired stories

The Prince and Princess coming into their kingdoms:
http://crystalmorningstar.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-prince-and-princess-inspired-story.html

The Teacher gets awoken:
http://crystalmorningstar.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-teacher-inspired-story.html

Rusty Lee and the Bumble Bee learn life's lessons:
http://crystalmorningstar.blogspot.com/2015/07/rusty-lee-and-bumble-bee-oldie-but.html

She takes her seat beside the Puppet Master:
http://crystalmorningstar.blogspot.com/2015/08/she-takes-her-seat-next-to-puppet-master.html

Blessed by the Mer King
http://crystalmorningstar.blogspot.com/2016/04/blessed-by-mer-king.html

Letting it go! A child thing exposed by a dream

Woke remembering my dream: I ranted as a man held my daughter in place with intimidating words and as I told him to get off, he taunted me by beginning to kiss her chest and belly. He was not getting off and if I persisted, it would only get worse.

So tired of processing! Thought I was done with the stories!
But fine, what's in it for me? How am I doing this to me? I see plenty of it in my outer circumstances, though it is not my daughter being energetically or physically assaulted.
It's not a choice of my conscious mind or even this human experience, my emotional body. This is deep seated, ancestral shit from the beginning of time.
I have marveled as my daughter told me, yeah she hated a guy but he let her play games on his phone and that was the coolest thing!
In another case a young woman told me how she went to a friend's house to ride a horse. As she was helped to saddle up the horse by the husband he reached between her legs. "Why did you ever go back there?!", I asked. "I wanted to ride horses!", she replied.
I see a young girl being pounded on full force with all his might and anger by her brother. She just continues with what she's doing until he says something. She tattles at his words but never utters a word at the physical pounding: she was getting what she was wanting while it was happening.
"Wait until your father gets home!" is our cultural habit. All "problems" are brought to the man by dis-empowered women. She brings it to him and then has no choice but to be subject to his decision and enforcement even if she disagrees with it because she brought it to him and feels responsible for THAT decision. It is ingrained in our being to accept without even noticing physical assault and limitation. Guess what. ladies: we're allowed to seek out a second opinion! Just because we bring a problem to a man because we're overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, we can say "thanks anyways" if it feels wrong what he has decided!
Somehow I'm different. From the time I was young I would say "no way" to such exchanges. If I am to get what I want, I want the energetic exchange to be clean. Yet each time I make that choice I am punished in some way. Not simply by the human being who has what I would enjoy but by the universe as a whole in response to this wounded part of me in the deep, dark recesses of history.
I see it. I smell it. I know it is a part of me.
So, love and accept it. Give it to the subconscious to work out of it's own system.
And it's not just a little girl thing. Even little boys are out of touch with their bodies. Children's lips turn blue, teeth chatter and skin burns while playing at the pool. The spirit and mind lord it over matter constantly. Boys are more likely to get over it as they take on the enforcer role and their assertions are responded to more seriously. But we live in a culture of emasculated male bodies: told when and how to be somewhere, working, eating, defecating, voting.....
Then as we become adults we let channeled spirits rule it over us and our bodies, our thoughts and way of life: "God's word" in a variety of forms, published and put out there, spoken and shared. "If we were in your physical shoes....". Well, ya aren't. Our physical shoes are speaking, too.
Physicality held in immaturity, "unruly".
We can send thought into our physical body for processing. It can scheme, it can plot, it can arrive at conclusions. It just doesn't like to "show the work".....too slow and limiting all that explaining! But it CAN and will if we are patient and give it reason.
Such victims don't know they can say no, can complain. How many times have I myself said "Beat me, rape me, take from me, but emotional, intellectual, spiritual violation is worse"? Well, it isn't. Our bodies cope and spare us their stories.
So, I let my body let go of it's story.
There is a clean "no" that can be uttered clearly and decisively without resistance in it. THAT is the state of being we achieved. Now it is time to extend it to the body.
Drawn into the world to be poked, prodded and injected with immunizations before the first breaths are complete.........
So, today I treat my body gently. I make a choice in respect to it's condition. It is worthy of consideration. I honor it's opinion. I honor it's experience. I honor it's fears, insecurities, indecision...all on levels my mind has no control over. I feel them come up, things that have been long hidden as trust arises. I have been singing to it of late, like a parent sensing the cuddling in of a child listening to a lullaby. It's an etheric connection, full of sweetness.
As I go through all this, I look with compassion upon family, the "black sheep" wound, the dark horse arriving on the doorstep bringing what they felt like was condemnation and judgement when it was only me, living my purpose, my mission to bring healing, light upon the darkness. The good news is: the work is done for you and my cells emanate the healing, making it available to yours so it can begin from within you as if I had nothing to do with it. One day we will all be so full of love, no memory of me as the dark horse will remain. I'll simply be another member of a big, loving family. For that, I cannot hate me.
Synchronistically, I finished writing this and went to Facebook where the following was posted by someone else and ended up on my wall:

'Friend, hope for the Guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think... and think... while you are alive.
What you call "salvation" belongs to the time
before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will rejoin with the ecstatic
just because the body is rotten--
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the
City of Death.

If you make love with the divine now, in the next
life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the Guest is being searched for,
it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that
does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.'

- Kabir

Deeper into poverty consciousness and domestic violence/veterans

    * At the end of this, I took a deep breath and let it sink in: my father had been a marine. It has everything to do with me and childhood wounding. I felt the swirling, deep inner movement of energy..releasing, healing. I sensed the heart-felt only desire that was had for me: "be wealthy and happy...be successful, be free, Stacey" In that moment, the sun broke through the clouds to shine upon me. The deepest recesses of me now see.*

     I'm getting an education I don't think I was wanting and in my circumstances, I'm even more not wanting. I'm not wanting because in order to get it I had to come see it in an intimacy I only wanted loving interactions in. I was envisioning for myself communal living amongst those with similar consciousness. I was done learning more about things like poverty consciousness, the perception of lack and domestic violence. Apparently declaring one's self done brings forth circumstances to complete our education. Apparently this education is needed for the next phase of my experience. Of course I'm looking attentively into as much of it as possible for my own reflection so it can quickly be corrected. Apparently I wouldn't have been open to it if I hadn't been put in a position where I felt stuck between love and hate, action and "it's not appropriate to act on this". Forced to watch with eyes pinned wide open. In this dark place I become quiet and can do nothing but watch and listen, constantly pulling myself out of frustration. It's a place of pain for no matter what action I take, I earn enmity. No action at all I'm getting the blame and enmity which is simply to them normal interactions within a loving family. I'm caught between crying and the urge to purge with verbal self-defense if not outright beating someone over the head. But then realization comes. I get it. I hope it's all I'm here to "get".
    I have a single $1 tube of potato chips I am sharing with my son. A little girl comes; "Can I have some?". "Sure, try one, see if you like the flavor". "Why do you have all this stuff?", she asks. I sit in wonder. She has two Party size bags of chips she has already eaten out of. I have a single little tube of chips she wants to eat of even though she doesn't like the flavor of them. It's because every single day she is told "We don't have enough". Company comes and asks for some  and the reply comes "There's not enough". I realize I could give the shirt off my back, all my possessions and everything I ever get to eat to them. I could be standing naked and hungry before them, a bird could put a bread crumb in my hand and that little girl will still ask "Can I have that?". Her cabinet full is "Not enough" and my little tube is "abundance, enough, contentment, happiness" because that is what I am feeling. My breadcrumb would be the same thing next to the loaf of bread they already asked of and took from me...an abundance next to their lack.
  I try to explain this to her parent. "No, it's because the other day....." It does not want to be seen.
The rock and the hard place is also: I decided to raise my children without eating issues. They eat when they're hungry and as much as they need, no more and no less. So, we have a casual attitude about food. We almost never argue over it. They know whose is whose and if one eats theirs immediately while the other saves theirs for later the other never takes it or complains the other has something when they do not. Sometimes they'll ask and most of the time, it's "sure", they'll share. Our eating schedule is off the other family's because they're on school's eating schedule, move like a herd. Food not being an issue, I'm not forcing mine to eat when and what someone else is. So, I'm being blamed as the problem. If their children see my children eating outside the herd, they do not remember my children had nothing while they ate, they only see my children eating when the herd is not: it's not fair! And parents incapable of "dealing with" the whining blame me.
     I've had less of my own resources and am blamed for appearing to have more, flat out being told by the mother who knows exactly what I have that I have more than they do. They have alcohol to drink at night, a new dvd player, $5 subs and pre-made breakfast sandwiches. Even the parents see my $1 tubes of chips as more than all they horde and hide so they don't have to share with me OR their own children. I am accused of being selfish and not sharing. Their poverty-colored glasses will never allow them to see how much they've taken from or hurt me. They will always be the wounded party.
  The other aspect of this I have been given insight into is equally a rock and hard place situation. The domestic violence/veterans. I see these men who have served 20+ years in the military and they all have issues with domestic violence. They've spent 20+ years of being degraded by those to whom they MUST be loyal. They have it ingrained into them that one beats, humiliates, degrades "family", "the brotherhood". This is loyalty, this is love of country, of family. You NEVER turn your back on them and you never leave. They're fed on fear-induction/terrorization, prejudice, emasculation, judgement. It's love. So they come out and raise up their family in the same way.
  "Out here", you hit me, degrade me, insult me and judge me, you are NOT my friend the next morning. I've called the cops on you and there's a restraining order saying "stay the fuck away from me you freak". To you, I'm crazy, unfaithful, unloving and whatever other judgmental label fits your perception. They've spent 20+ years doing what they don't want on top of 12 years of public schooling that taught them the same thing....."energetic rape" and victim-hood to it is our OBLIGATION if we are loving, responsible, productive members of a community and family. They cannot comprehend our unwillingness to engage in such relationships.  There is not a single interaction with these people that will not end in energetic violence and accusation of us being the cause of it. I watch a brother physically pound on his sister with his fists and all his might. His mom says at her daughter's complaint "He's angry/upset ". His violence was just excused and her daughter told she must accept and allow it as mom chases him down to comfort and console HIM. Why was he upset? It was his sister's turn to choose what to watch on TV according to the parental designated system. Holy fuck. No, I don't want my children "playing" with them, watching TV with them or dating them. To even speak to, sit next to them is to invite conflict...and to be related? I BETTER be willing to take it! from their perspective.
  Their children beat on, break and destroy anything they play with. Of course after energetically assaulting my children and destroying their things my children are going to say "no thank you" at requests to play with their things. My children have been told no when wanting to play with the other children's things though they've never harmed any of their things. My children's "no" brings on the bullying (which they would have gotten even if they said yes anyways, just not as intensely as after the "no") and MY CHILDREN are blamed for causing the bullying. There is no winning/success in interactions with them. Women cause their own rape and children their own bullying according to their perception.  Except for them. They're righteous and good and loving and faithful and just. They are incapable of seeing it any other way. To even try is to go against a life time of defending this perspective, self-judgement and everything that goes along with it. An emasculated human being is too insecure for such things in most cases.
    And yeah, they're Trump supporters.