A Juxtaposition

       I find myself facing one of my subconscious reasons for maintaining smallness of being. Each morning for the past two days, 3 a.m. I find myself waking. In comes anxiety and the smell of potential depression. Just breath. The answer is here, in me. I only need come into alignment with it. This place is refining me. Just breath.
        In speaking with someone I mentioned how many employers are only offering part time hours for employment so they can avoid paying benefits and things. "For them, maybe (referring to another family) but you have too many qualifications. You're going to get full time employment.". And this is where I am tempted to go back into smallness of being. "For those with more, more is expected" or some such thing is a phrase from the bible deep in the consciousness of our society.
      So many are fighting for the "right to work". I believe the right to life includes the right to everything needed to sustain that life as an inalienable, given, freely available, unconditional. I have worked so hard to bring myself and my two children out of crisis consciousness, survival mode, domestic violence, victim mentality, emotional dependency, etc........full time employment in a traditional employer/employee model would take them and thus all I have accomplished (my fear) from this family. They are placed in school where already the abuse is affecting their state of being.
     The classroom rule is "Must make dear teacher happy". The teacher is arguing with me on this. Children are hardly secure in maintaining their own happiness, never mind being responsible for an adult's."As long as they follow the first rules, I am happy, I tell the children"; came the teacher's response. Last I checked in the English language "I" and "Me" referred to the same person. First day the bus had to turn around and go back to school because a child on the bus had something in their backpack they shouldn't. This left my daughter crying and confused. The second day a new bus driver got lost first driving to the wrong street with a similar name and then circling the one with the right name for half an hour at least. My daughter came off the bus doubled over with stomach pains and my son reporting his own crying. His perpetually running nose and cough, his manifestations of the stress he experiences when having to go to school have already had their beginning.
     Now, if I were to leave my children with a friend or lover who was emotionally abusive and prone to such misfortune one might call irresponsible, the state would take my children due to improper supervision. When it comes to a government run institution, however, our society looses perspective. The employees of said organizations/institutions can do no wrong while the individual human is constantly under suspicion.
    So, the "logical" solution would be to remove my children from the care and keeping of such in-adeptness. The program I'm in will not let me (my fear). The program is school enrollment for children, after school care and summer programs added to it, while the parent is required to find employment within 30 days of entrance. In short: I remove my children from school and I lose the roof over our head, source of food, transportation and an entire support system. That would make ME irresponsible, wouldn't it?
  Damned if I do and damned if I don't "juxtaposition". I am "irresponsible", "neglectful", "abusive" on either avenue. Both are birds, only one is real and true. Remain small and keep my children with me or expand into my fullness and leave them to be raised, conditioned, by the system it seems.
Breath it in, love the aspects, allow it to come to me. Allow the refining. Applaud the children's bravery: they went to school knowing the bus ride was still coming. "No matter what", I told them,"the adults will get you to me. Whether the bus is late, redirected, a cop has to drive you or we come get you, you will always be brought to me". They still trust me. Invaluable. I've done and am doing marvelous things. The redeeming perspective is upon me and I am allowing. I am receiving.