New Job, Object lessons ending, new masculine for me

   How's the new job going? I can't tell you, chuckling softly to me. I had become brave and bold, using myself as an object lesson which people found inspiring, an example worth following, a living illustration to convey understanding. Now all that is changing as I face some of the most challenging territory...to be that which I saw was needed when I needed someone like me. Due to confidentiality I can share no details. Even vague references may be too revealing, as I learned on the cab ride this evening. In answering my children's questions, I told them I would be doing so-and-so's job this evening. The cab driver, overhearing, said "Oh, you'll be being dropped off (there) then". Yes, indeed, extreme discretion..I'll have to be highly aware of my conversations. No numbers involved for one could overhear "4 children", know someone who has left an abuser with 4 children and then divulge through a gossip chain just where that party is. So, off I go where you can no longer see all the steps I am taking. I am no longer an object lesson, but an epitome of discretion.
  I am rejoicing how my children not only have playmates outside most days, but even have company come in! The still inner wildling I noticed when we first moved in happens to be one of those new friends. We are in very good company!
  As I reflected and wished this evening a "smell" came wafting to me, of a man who would let me sleep and wake me when I needed,one who was actively supportive of the work I am choosing. I was given to know it is an aspect of me, of course, that has already been there to wake me usually an hour before something comes into my reality I would want to be be awake and fully conscious for. This would be the one responsible for the etheric knocks that wake me, the etheric phone ringing to let me know someone else needs my attention. I am a truly blessed being to be so loved romantically, supportively, nurturingly, one truly interested in me, what I am doing, how I am doing, what I would be wanting and what I am needing. If that is what my inner masculine has become so fully to me, indeed my outer reality will manifest a physical one for me, now that I can "smell" and "see" and feel it so clearly. That's pretty exciting. Now for the recognizing and accepting, lol

A Great Battle for Resources is won!

   The first night I was awakened at 2:30am by an etheric knocking, as if someone had knocked on my bedroom window. The second night I thought I'd may as well just stay up. A bit more tired is preferable to sleep interrupted. Nothing. The third night I was awakened by knocking again and something like a phone ringing but this time I stayed in dreamscape while conscious.......
   I forget the first part except that it was good. The second part I do remember clearly. I was experiencing it from the perspective of one who had just won a great battle, all the entities crowded on a battlefield in very close proximity. The victory gave the winner access to great resources. I came out of it feeling very strong in the body.
 Within the next year's time a change of authority over significant resources will happen. This could mean my inner kingdom has won my health and well-being. This could be grander and mean I will be placed in a position of authority over significant resources. It could be even grander and mean our country, even this world's resources will all be delivered into the hands of those with a consciousness of similarity. On whichever level it be, when any confrontation comes, we can face it with the assurance that energetically, it has already been won.
*dreamscape looked alot like this picture and I am physically a woman, but dang, would have preferred she was wearing something other than red, white and blue on her butt!

Another phase of suspension

     It could be mistaken for depression, but it isn't. Just not over-the-top love, light and wisdom. All a matter of perspective. Memes no longer hold my interest...... Drink lots of water, do alot of meditation, Himalayan sea salt lamps, crystal's, reiki? lol Fuck that shit. Put the kids to bed, get drunk and binge watch Netflix.....for a week. Hope the abuser and kidnapper does not find and break in again.  Let what ever is going on under the surface, the subconscious do what it needs.  And...don't talk to me, lol I might not be 'pretty'...though it's near impossible for me. I can no longer do "ugly", not really. I light up at interactions, rise up in appreciation and love for what stands before me.
      The other day, it could have been yester, lol for the days are strangely passing; a blink or a week or both in the same moment....I felt a pop somewhere low and deep. A pocket of energy associated with children and child-rearing and the need to prepare and teach....leaving. Of course that leaves that space empty and the toxins of it dumped into my system for releasing. The "cat pee" smelling sweat as the body becomes a furnace of hell-fire heat, constant sleep, DNA upgrading, the 'upgrade' that will replace it flowing in, glimpses of pure love without worry. Tested today when a woman asked how my children are at spelling. No sinking feeling. No usual dread; "OMG what if I say the wrong thing?!"...nope! "They have their good and they have their bad days". My children are home schooled and she preluded the question with "That's why I can't home school". Now writing I realize having good and bad days homeschooling is an advantage. Their good day does not HAVE to be on Friday (begin panic attack) or they'll fail their spelling test and get bad grades and never make it into college and won't make money........
  Today: Feeling emptied with nothing to give, but not drained...just not interested.
   The chasing of the carrot. The relationship thing. So many products of bitter divorces where they tried so hard to prevent one another from getting anything.....men who will drive a thousand miles to see a woman but would never fix her car so she could come visit him. 50 and 40 somethings living in castles with everything just so, expensive, shiny...while the woman they are dating has her phone cut off and faces eviction. So far from ubuntu! A man comments: "send me pics". "My phone won't". "You need a better phone". He stops calling. "Well, if you believe I need a better phone, buy me one then!". So full of judgement without a thing to give. They brag of how they did this or that for women....but when they come around to you it;s "Not any more". I can smell them a mile away. Not for me, not anymore. he'll pay to be with me, he'll contribute unconditionally or I'm not even glancing. UBUNTU! Not just for your neighbors, but for the receivers of your seed. How many carpenters have wives without cabinets, but their needy neighbor gets them for free? How many mechanics do work for free while their wives drive a falling apart jalopy?And these men are hailed as icons of generosity. Nothing but carrots on a string, empty promises while being demanding.....Not these men, not for me......
  Riding with a neighbor to get groceries (slaughter the pig and bring home the bacon! heehee says me at request "What are you doing"), my lower back releases, my spine, my shoulders open. I am asked questions; you're asking for age and then birth date..is that not redundant? That's what paperwork and computers are for; to be our memory. I don't much care for these things. As I realize I no longer worry about money or thinking or knowing, tears being to fall...more release, tears of joy, I am free! My co-hort comments how she has been so light headed lately. "Yeah, well, I don't much tell people the reason because they don't want to receive it." She waits for continuation. "The Earth is changing and so are we", I give a mundane explanation about Earth's electromagnetic pull growing and solar flares. She says "Oh, yes, my cell phone HAS been glitchy!". Replies me; "If it's affecting your phone, it's affecting your body". She is is relieved. No hospital run for an emergency. She's light headed, I'm downright giddy. It's as being stoned would be to my imagination. I'm spacey enough without such things. No weed, no frog poison, no latest shamanic medicinal concoction needing. Just open, just free. I SEE, without eyes, I see.
  So it is I have been feeling suspended, experiencing a virtual reality with changes occurring underneath or virtual changes with reality underneath..both simultaneously. Changing, changing, changing for and in my children as within me...a beautiful thing, setting us free. No more inculcating, worry or carrot chasing, nothing but healthy for them and for me.

Self Rape, the emotional version

My response to a person who said it was a stressful time because it is the busy season for their chosen livelihood and so they force themselves to think positive thoughts.......

"Ah, busy time of the year for you, then. Sorry to hear of your experiencing it as stressful. It'd be nice if life came without deadlines and such. I hope it gets easier on you. I understand in light of that why forcing positive thoughts would be considered the chosen option. Funny how we don't make the connections in treating ourselves as we would in treating others. For if we forced "positive attention"/intimacy/making love on another we would call it rape, yet we never consider that maybe in the same way we rape ourselves, our own inner being, our own emotions which are supposed to be the intimate partner/mate to the brain. So we try to force the brain/masculine to force the emotions/feminine to feel a certain way so we can get work done, appear a certain way in public, be considered a certain kind of person in our relationships. Devastating, really, but we haven't been taught another way. "Be nice" "Be strong" "Be polite" "Don't cry" "Be calm" "Be quiet"......they forced us until we learned to force ourselves."

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The pieces fall together finally on my relationship status

    Many years ago I was told my the ministers who were training me that the reason the younger men treated me so badly was because I was intimidating. I was smart and beautiful and men found this intimidating. I had no idea what to do with that information. What does that mean?
    A male domestic violence worker commented after asking my age; "You haven't learned yet?!". Excuse me, I had a grandmother go to her grave still married to the man who raped and impregnated her daughter. I have aunts nearing it still married to abusive men. In my circles, I am way ahead of the game just for knowing enough to leave them!
   In becoming committed to ending the cycle with me and getting to the root causes of domestic violence, I also learned about things like PTSD. I learned about the fight, flight or freeze responses to trauma, to fear.
   It was only today that it all was given to click in my brain: if I am so intimidating to men, their only responses they can have to me is to fight, flee or freeze. Obviously I cannot be in a relationship with some who has fled. One cannot be in a relationship with one who freezes; offers no response, no engagement, no stimulation unless one wants to wilt and die in staying with them: every plant needs watering. So, logically speaking, the only relationships I could have we with those who constantly hurt me.
   If relationships were where we learn about ourselves and where we grow, is it truly any wonder I would have been stunted, immature?
   So now I have learned to be in good relationship with self. Now I know how to be in good relationship with others. Now I understand why it had not been so previously. Now, may it be an end to the "Stacey has never had a good relationship" story. May it be the end to the "woman alone" chapters of my story.

The Enlightened man, the wild man......

    I see memes going around the re-wilding woman and enlightened women websites all about what the ideal male gendered mate for an embodied goddess would be.
    I think I'll let him decide who he is and what he wants to be. Are we not trying to relieve ourselves of the conditioning by religion and culture and familial custom of what we should be as women? Are we not seeking to be sovereign/self determined? And yet we now we want to spread memes about what our male incarnated counterpart should be? Hypocritical, aren't we?
   So, while all the sexy pics and described qualities and conditions of what a man of the equal state of being should be and have done and should be doing......we might want to just scroll past those memes.
  I want him to have the same right to self-determination as I have given me ;)

What I learned reading the story of Siddhartha

     The copy of a book of the story of Siddhartha I read began with the background of the Buddhist practices. It explained how spirits were tired of the cycle of karma and were seeking for ways to escape it for the pain was so great. Associating suffering with conscious existence; incarnation, even as purely spirit, they sought their own non-existence/extinction/suicide that they might return to Source, become unborn again. So, while so many practices lead to an enlightened life, overall, adherence to them brings us ever closer to death. When one seeks the ultimate Buddhist experience, one is seeking death. That is why all "enlightened masters" die, their bodies continuing to age and expire despite their healing abilities.
    The second thing I learned was toward the end of the story of Siddhartha's life. When it was realized Siddhartha's son was acting out and unhappy because Siddhartha offered no resistance, Siddhartha sent him away. "Are we so insecure about our "enlightenment" that we ourselves can not offer the resistance our children need to themselves expand their own consciousness?!"- was my response to that action. As an emotionally abandoned child,I know the pain of an absent parent experience, abandonment, a lack of priority. I treated myself the same way: I didn't appreciate myself, settled for and even sought out poor treatment.
   "And who says 'enlightenment' it's self does not inspire the offering of resistance?"- I now know to ask. We are so conditioned to expect only certain behaviors as kind, loving and thus marks of wisdom and "enlightenment". Well, you know what? An enlightened state of being might inspire a proverbial ass-wooping. Maybe we are inspired to say no when a child crosses boundaries, not only so we are respecting ourselves but that a child might learn from the example that they can and should have boundaries of their own. From a state of'enlightenment', our inspired responses will be just the right level of intensity, the right degree of response. Whereas, if left to an 'unenlightened' world, the responses might be over or under reacting. Who better to deliver appropriate resistance than an 'enlightened' being?
   If one is more from a self-sacrificing, "we must serve others above ourselves" perception: should we not sacrifice our own (idea of) state of "enlightenment" for our children? ;)