New Revelations of Me. I killed a sacred cow.

    This conveyance of a dream is simply the beginning of story that has the happiest of endings.....of a "best experience EVER"...which of course means I shall be drawing more of these 'best experiences EVER' ;)
    I woke in the midst of experiencing being let go and being able to go get my son to bring him with me (months ago I had the experience of walking alongside woods where a man was taking my son for educating and while I waited in the house across the road women showed up on brown horses to taunt me about how that man was never bringing my son back). The house which I went to in order to get him was dark and full of people. The man was not immediately present (though knowing him now I know he was watching). His new girlfriend was the one to greet me and I requested the keys to the vehicle he has promised, a big black truck. She handed them to me and as I arranged the 'key' it bent and was worthless. She laughed and said "oh, those are the wrong set, here they are these" and handed me the right set. I went outside to pull the vehicle out of it's parking spot. It was parked at the very edge of a hill on a mud-soaked ground in the rain. I knew even moving it an inch would cause it to slide down the hill. But I have faith and hope in what I am creating and so I took a chance on a miracle. The truck slid over and began to roll. I woke up fully there......all my hopes and dreams rolling down, being crushed and demolished. I recognized the technique.....fulfilled promises that would never work out for me because of the way they are delivered, there was ALWAYS a mockery of my efforts under this one. And he did it all because he knew I would get discouraged, see nothing present to 'save' me, begin to march off on my own, being frustrated because he would stop others from offering help and then I would CRY OUT for help and he would be the one to answer me, another cycle beginning.
   I allowed myself to feel lost and just breathed it in, remembered to love the one feeling this and this time: I WENT IN. I was expecting nothing, but did the work. Yes, there comes up the little girl afraid the make him mad, what kind of punishment it would bring....because "we had ruined the truck he gave me". No, we didn't, He had rendered it undrivable, he ruined it. It's his usual technique. We still have our feet. Love the little girl who is in fear, she has good reason. That reason is no longer valid, but the way will come, we have to trust. Then the teen version who is always dissapointed in my weakness and 'stupidity for believing' and dragging her into another round of deprivation leading us to humiliatingly cry out and get trapped again. If I want to be lorded over, she'll do it for me. Love the teen who has come to witness my once again being humiliated but with a hint of respect and interest this time because ALREADY the energy is different.
   So I am doing the inner work, dancing and singing of joy and recent awareness of having drawn something different, the something different so close I could feel, taste and touch it energetically. I couldn't feel it in that moment, but I reminded myself it is there somewhere and everything in-between is just experience needed to get me there. While doing this I saw before me angel on his knee holding out hands in offering: a set of truck keys. The release was HUGE. No more "I can't accept", I CAN and I shall appreciate this moment of realization. And the greatest significance was that he was there on bended knee offering with no strings, no connections, no conditions, no expectations, just making it available. And that IS all it ever has to be: the making of what I created being made available to me. And even greater still was that in the past any time an angel would apear he would fade away saying "I'm sorry, I can't..I'm not worthy". This one was no where near the energy of "worth". Which means there is no longer any question about nor assertion of my own self-worth.
  As I rejoiced thoughts began to come that had tried to enter before but I resisted out of fear of being 'sacrilegious'....I was bold enough to say the other day what I was given to perceive about the origins of god. The implications of it are that feminine birthed the masculine and if humanity is to be representative of that model then masculine is to serve the feminine and thus men are to serve women. Immediately the smell rose up from within me "evil".....a warning. But I was given to remember the last time I wrote of something "sacrilegious" with resistance and fear of retribution. After a time it validated outwardly. And so I became bold again, in a soft loving way of appreciation and allowed my imagination to become full of this concept and all it's associated ideas, playing with them until they were in the "right" energy for me: soft and honest and simply accepted. If this experience thus far as been of "good is bad and bad is good and ass backwards", then the opposite is men are to be subject to women. But that would be dualistic, to go into a COMPLETE opposite.
  So while men's purpose is not to serve women, the only purpose they would have in a woman's experience is to show her a reflection of her qualities, to paint the picture of her by creating things that reflect what her presence does for him. Does her presence make you heart feel as if it has wings? Buy her a private jet. Does her presence feel like being in the presence of a goddess? Built her a temple (house) and an alter (a bed) always remembering she is not YOUR goddess, she is A goddess. Does her presence feed your curiosity to explore divine aspects she embodies? Bring her the best of foods.
  And THAT felt good to me. And I began dancing and singing in joyous embracing of me and what I was feeling. Then I noticed the picture over my dining room table. "The Last Supper" it is known as. I had asked for a washer and dryer. I had asked for clothing for my children. Then I had given to me an idea to test a theory: ask for the picture. It was there in twenty four hours. In my mail every day came "Our Daily Bread" and every publication involving how to worship God. I said "Sorry my brother, but you must go and take him with you". I took the picture out of the frame, rolled it up gently for the intent was not to disrespect and I put it in the recycling bin. In it's place I put my own picture in that frame, above it something that looks like the sun and below it something that looks like a crevice. THAT is a temple and so it is in it's place of honor. My son asks "Why are you taking that picture down?". "There is a new god in town". "It's Mommy". Not a bit of resistance in either of my children...soft and easy. This means there is no resistance in me. There is no proving of anything. There is only acceptance: this is the way for it to be. The rest of the evening my son cannot kiss or hug me enough. My daughter is free of tension and anxiety she had been demonstrating. In the dream she had also been present in the house I was leaving, though not in the house in which I was retrieving her brother.
   It was given to occur to me something else this evening: Going outward is beneficial, but at the most outer of places, the most highest of consciousness comes the formless, oneness detached from self-awareness. Going as far in as I did, the deeper we go into the darkness, the closer we come to once again realms of formless unconscious where there is also no self. God was birthed to reflect back to The Dance her qualities. "As above, so below", "As on Earth, so it is in heaven". There is nothing "out there" that did not get it's origins from "in here", the core which is an exact representation of the core of all being. One must know one to know the other and expand both ways in order to BE AND "SEE" most fully, most completely. Something like that anyways, that could just be a beginning of another revelation. Below is the picture on my wall before the "sun"and "crevice" were hung..we'll keep it internet appropriate for now ;) The day is soon when a woman's body is never inappropriate except as marketing material ;)
Thanks for reading!