The Dark Personal Journey

    So glad no one reads this anyways, lol
    Deep breath. Release with tears.
     Where to begin? It's never at the beginning because the awareness that it is the end of the story never comes until it IS finishing.
     Had a one night stand. Plenty of "you go girl" support from female companions and even a "damn! that's more than I'm getting" from a guy friend......and that's when it began to click back to what I now know WAS the beginning.
     The guys I'm drawing are just like those I grew up with. Having come so far, I believed, energetically I could NOT understand why this was happening.
   Mixed messages and hatred and frustration with them is something we have in common. Neither of us, male or female knows how it is that we send them because we ARE strong minded, persistent, direct and therefore believing ourselves clear. "This is what I believe I am wanting, this is what I believe I am needing and you don't love me if you don't give it to me" or "there is something wrong with me".
   Tenacious would be another term to describe us. We dig into a path and there is no distraction. A good quality unless someone is giving us no for an answer and then our sharp minds are looking for any way around it. We'll suffer loss from delivering an ultimatum rather than give in because we believe we're "right". "Steadfast" would be the "light" side of that quality..steady would be the center, probably.
   I see all that now but I didn't when this day began. I just let it all in as it came, let it move around and release it's hidey-holes throughout my body. Deeper and deeper, further and further back.....
   When I was a young teen I lived in a small town with a bar on every corner and one in-between. All of us children, practically, were children of alcoholics. Don't need to say more, I'm guessing. The boys were brutes, testosterone overload. Passion that terrified even themselves emotionally. The hang-out house was where 7 brothers lived and included all THEIR friends. I was "one of the guys"; tomboy but not "butch". I was there when they went on their pumpkin patch raids and general mischievousness. I was there when they'd "talk shit" about the "Bloody Mary" they "did" right out on the grass in the back yard during the party the night before. I knew I never wanted to be "one of those girls". At a local club a stranger to the area said something really rude to me and I threw his drink in his face. He no sooner raised his hand to hit me in response when I was wooshed out into a jeep and driven off to safety while just about every man in that club jumped that guy and his friend. I had no idea. But all that ended with senior prom. My mom and one of the parents of the guys arranged for he and I to go together. He thought that put me in 'date' category and he got "all paws". I was suddenly 'one of those girls' and heart-broken. I told them to go on to the after party without me and I became a loner from then. I guess that's when I began to look at myself as one who would be disrespected instead of protected. That's were I gave myself injury.
    I guess that's what needed releasing before something new could begin coming.
    Didn't help that as they opened their mouths with their patriarchal ways the 'goddess'/earth aspect would rise with powerful passion from my tailbone area to attack and defend. This bit of clearing may take a few more days, lol.......so glad I don't have a 'following' to impress. Just when I thought I had gotten there.....I just love those guys, though. Tough, strong, devoted...just fucked up in the head from childhood, wanting so hard to love and 'be good to you' but always end up being abusive to various degrees. Sexy beast, wounded warrior, overwhelmed child....my kind of masculine! Can't just kiss it and make it better. Wish it was that easy. They have ALOT to offer.........insecurities making us touchy and judgmental, sigh.......then judging for being judgmental, lol and I've been called not at all judgemental, lol..shows ya how far we, as a species, have to go on some leve;s.