The more I see, the more I learn our visions are self-applicable. The people, places and things in them just representatives of our own inner world. This is what has been happening within me recently:
I call it "my own box of hungry ghosts
they are what I took on to feel like an adult.
all sitting in dark cave, waiting to be ejected into space, for a monster to devour them, the enemy to come kill them like trapped animals. I fear their loss because when they go, I will once again be a child. A helpless child with no appetite. Sex was tasty, devouring, I drew in the very essence of another. Now i must draw in my own essence and live off that, what is my essence? In this box, packed floor to ceiling, this dark cave in which they have all been led, to which they have retreated, trapped area ll the faces of all my appetites, all my decisions to cling to almost the point of hoarding, to let go to the point of almost throwing way anything that means anything to me. It is the desperate acts that brought change to my circumstances. it is the acts of simple confusion I did not understand. All I can do is look at them and cry. What will I do without them? From where will I drive. And so I just sit with them. I identify them. I am prepared to let them go. But I am afraid. Not too afraid to fight it. I just sit with it. I will allow it to happen. I will let them go. We but await the destroyer, them and I, sitting together side by side, waiting, quietly watching for the transformation. On the edge, on the brink of change in which we shall over a cliff, we shall fall over a cliff I shall fly. I shall fly free and this makes me cry. I am afraid to fly free again. But I will do it. I will release. Armageddon is upon me and I am free. Today is a day to be quiet, to not panic, to not jump into something, take on distraction. It is a day I must let myself heal, not panic, just breath and let it happen. To allow the urge to teach to pass through me. To let it go, to not share my journey. I am free. I am not bound to anybody. I don't know what free will look like. And all the scriptures keep coming to me...we do not know what we shall be but will be changed in the blink of an eye to meet the Lord in the sky, lol. All prophesy from the prophets is the inner journey being complete, the oneness with our maker a divine revelation. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, rather than resist the process. The tendency to say "but", the argument, not being ready....released, just by looking at them, by seeing, they all come up for inventorying. Are they yet all in the cave? Ah, that sexuality, craving, delightful, hungry, it is she, let her go. The panic, the knot in the stomach, the release. The urge to jump into anything but me. The urge to flee. The panic. The seduction to hide it from me that I am trying to flee "I am not running, I am seducing!" I argue me, I deceive me. Oh, the depths of our own trickery, upon ourselves alone, never mind others, I could not even be concerned or preoccupied with deceiving them, it was hard enough deceiving me, coming up with the plot without my own self recognizing, setting up those inner traps and pitfalls that snag me when I am not looking or expecting. People outside were just tools of my own self-deception. No, they are not an illusion, but suckers of their own delusions, wanting to be used, devoured, distracted, eager parties to my own self-deceptions. Too, eager, too happy to fulfill my needs to punish and harm me. And so I hate them, resent them. Take on an air of superiority. Another face, another hunger, that of revenge which I could never act upon or entertain because it was too evil though they would enact it upon me, wouldn't they?, ah, unfairness, whining, another face, the victim powerless because she would not succumb to vengeance, feeling she lacked reason/sanity for not enacting vengeance,.... to add to the cave of deception. Passion, powerful passion, master of all things, delusion, strong, empowering coming up within me. Unstoppable, unreasoning, logical in it's thinking, evil in it's inability to question, always right seemingly. It is a big thing to put in that cave with all the rest, so small and tiny and powerless. It is cold-hearted, without compassion, distanced, uncaring, unfazed by things. It is what I used to fear and envy. I do not want it. It is mean, it is non-responsive, behind it is always a plot to destroy me. I see it, I defy it. I release it, into the cave of contrition. They are a burden, all of them and their cave, the sickness that wracks my body, the pain in my stomach that taunts me, persecutes me, robs me. I look forward to relief, though I don't know what that will be. what will it be like to be healthy? For each day to not be clouded by pain and confusion? To not have suffering on the brain? To be released of burden? To be free, set free, to fly so freely? I cry and release. This is the journey the prophets relay with such urgency because they are on the edge, right there on the brink of disappearing from humanity, the need to teach or preach, no longer bonded and bonding. The exist simply. They simply exist. They disappear off the radar of need and greed, of consumption and presumption. They leave the world behind to feed, feed as it is always feeding, groping, reaching, clinging, devouring, controlling, manipulating, beating, punishing, stripping and raping. The world of mankind is ugly and with this I am at peace. I am finally at peace with it. It is what it is. It is what they say. It is evil, it is corrupt and it is dying, it is always dying, it is passing away. Into the realm of hungry ghosts it goes and out of the realm of hungry ghosts I am free. Free is where I will be staying. At only 43. This is what can be achieved. In a soul that is willing. In peace. Wanting to be free innocently. Lovingly. I am rising above these things, being lifted up above them, surveying the sheep, the mutton, the fodder that is humanity that I love. It is God speaking to me. Calling beckoning, allow myself to receive, be free. God will just be with me. Simply be in me. Be. "Be" in all it's simplicity. In this moment, this critical moment, I just need to "Be". Allow myself be, to just be, to sit silently. Allow it to happen to me, for me, through me. The day of my release. The voice demanding "what are you doing?!" passes through me. Visitors from a far country who would always come to make me question me and what I was choosing. When I was a child, when I was innocent and "getting into trouble", making trouble for them unwittingly. The derider, so witty, snarling humorously, ridiculing me, that stranger who derided me, made feel stupid, we thought to be empowering. Moving through me. Temptation to latch onto them, these strangers passing through me. I must let them be. My life passing before me. This presence is loving, endearing, enduring, entertaining, available, liberating, understanding, patiently, maturing. It is free, free of me, free in me, freeing for me. serving and deserving, always worthy, letting things just be, never questioning yet always asking questions of me, understanding. It asks for what it needs, never disappointed with me. It doesn't want to be anything, it can be anything, but it just likes to be, to be in something, to be a part of something, to be free indwelling. Intelligence, it cannot be in everything, it cannot be in limitation, in limited thinking, so it must shy away, bow out gracefully, incompatibility, but always willing if only it could be, but it won't be and that is ok with me, acceptance...that is what we need, acceptance that we cannot be in everything, it is not what they need. It mocks them, as they see it, it taunts them and teases, it is unattainable, they believe, it accuses them and their conscience, in it's presence they feel ridiculous, a torment that would be never ending. Compassion upon them, warmth and rain shining, a light to the nations they cannot bear to see but lightly. A brush of peace, a tickle, to set them free and invited with a whisper "Come join me". Months, days years, no matter how long it takes for each, maybe one will join me eventually, if they make the journey, accept it, allow it to happen within their programming, it's perimeters must allow for it. It is not up to them entirely, they have been set in motion, unthinking, not considering, no intent but to see, to see where it would lead. Like a child with a toy asking "what will I see?", "What will this do" "will this set me free?". These are all things that will never again touch me. They will no longer be a part of my experience. Of these things passing through and in the cave, I am free. They cannot be used against me.
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In scientific terms, it is the left and right brain merging and working in unison. In the reading of "The Realm of Hungry Ghosts", it becomes clearly evident that true mental health comes only from divine intervention and that physical health and immortality is absolutely tied to physical health.
I also received the gift of knowing what the true message of the kingdom is that we were to be preaching: grace is available, we need only let it in, allow it in for ourselves, give it to ourselves, ourselves that grace.
I was given the whole purpose of man as well: Be, be in a quiet state of appreciation. A quiet heart and mind full of joy and thanksgiving.
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Another day, another development:
This morning I woke too early from a dream. Because I woke too early in the day, I know it is because it was wanted that I see and remember this dream. In it I have gathered all my children together. They are all at the ages at which their fathers took them. Their fathers brought them to me. One, the most emotionally self-sufficient, was reluctant and crying but had fun once she arrived. But when I looked around for her, she was gone suddenly. Her father had become afraid, insecure, and taken her away again.
So, I am wondering what this dream means. After a while it hit me: intelligence has emotions, it fears! We see left and right brain thinking, believing intelligence and emotions are separate, one superior than the other. But My intellect has been learning that my emotions have intelligence and now it has revealed that it has emotions. It was fear of losing the strong, emotionally self sufficient little girl to her emotional mother that caused him to steal her away. My emotional security was taken by my intelligence because it was afraid of losing emotional independence it's self. We are not so different after all, apirit and soul, intelligence and emotion, we may be masculine or feminine orientated, but ti does not mean we are not both smart and intuitive. Fascinating.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Something evil is this way coming
Another Sabbath's gifts. Have been given to see how it is quite possible that the whole bible is a recording of the human inner process. Adam and Eve in the garden of innocence, what happens to us as we commit our first act of rebellion, the travails of puberty, the adult in middle ages, and finally, maturity...which is the hope we all hope to reach if we are enlightened. It is the journey of spirit and body, God and it's children.
And this, which we want to keep in mind that vision and prophesy have a flair of the dramatic:
The end of the cold war came because the U. S. had agreed to prepare it's people for the incoming of a communist take-over. By introducing the indoctrination of communist mentality to the next generation in/through public education, they've prepared the ground for their invasion. There is less resistance when the people invaded discover how much they have in common in the way of thinking the world should be.
This has led to a separating of people from the public system. Those who will resist "on behalf of everybody" as well as those of us who understand the principle "let the unrighteous continue in unrighteousness and the righteous continue in righteousness". We are not to resist our invaders and we will have relative peace. They are here to be tools in the harvest which is now coming. The angels have already begun the harvest of spirits, now it will take those hiding within people.
Either that or it's all my own inner process: the end is near and the last vestiges of evil/dysfunction are about to be removed from me. Which, is just as exciting, in my opinion.
Further 'enlightenment on this subject' as I read Dr, Mate's "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". Here are my most recent reflections as I review his writing:
According to Dr. Mate, research shows that for each incident of trauma experienced: family violence, parental divorce, drug or alcohol abuse in the family, death of a parent, physical abuse or sexual abuse, for each one, the risk for early substance abuse is two to four times more likely. Five or more ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) makes one seven to ten times more likely to abuse substances. Seizure is also associated with sexual abuse. "Zoning out" for up to ten or twenty seconds is a symptom. Interesting, I do that all the time. Have never been diagnosed with seizures. Abnormalities in the corpus callosum, common in trauma survivors, causes a disruption or "split" between the two halves of the brain, the processing of emotion, particularly when under stress. It is a symptom of personality disorder and a kind of flip-flopping of emotions between idealization and intense dislike of another person. I have seen that not only in myself, nowadays to a lesser degree absolutely, but especially in those I have been in relationships with. The heart (one side of the brain) and the mind(other side of the brain) in conflict as one side wants to be understanding and the other is logical and recognizes bad behavior (according to it's opinion): right and left brain not working together in forming a single opinion, or simply remaining parted on priorities? Actually, while that may be so, I have learned to love, but from a safe distance where appropriate, so that split can be healed. But, I certainly did have an "all or nothing" mentality as a defense mechanism, I think; they were all for me or out the door when hurting me. "Love at first sight" should be a warning label, then: this person is brain damaged, proceed with caution around them, I guess. Certainly don't want to be in an intimate relationship with someone like that. Though I can say I never did have a love at first sight experience within me, I usually ignored men, gave them my whole heart and presence, giving up everything for them, did the flip-flopping between extremes when things began to become unstable then out the door with no remorse and crying due to lack of understanding on my part for their extreme hatred. Dr. Mate writes; "Extreme circumstances breed extremist brains". I have noticed in myself and others who have experienced abuse what I call an overblown sense of righteousness. It is a black and white thinking and the pursuit of underlying principles. The persuit of underlying principles is not such a bad thing, but the attributing them to absolute good or evil is where it gets dangerous, disallowing for the potential appropriateness to a particular set of circumstances. Black and white thinking relieves stress in abuse victims, simplifies things. But because it is so limiting, they use justification for bad behavior, inventing "good" underlying principles they aren't feeling. That, or they must resort to hatred to enact 'wrongly' in order to do the right thing appropriate to a set of circumstances. So, an act of love has to become an act of hatred in order for them to accomplish it. Dr. Mate then goes on to discuss stress and it's effects. Quoting another doctor, "A child who is stressed early in life will be more over-active and reactive. He is triggered more easily, is more anxious and distressed." Boy, did that describe how I used to be to a "T". Dr. Mate explains how trauma also effects hormones and how "situations or activities that for the average person are likely to bring satisfaction are undervalued because......they have not been rewarding-for example, intimate connections with family."
Explains why I never went looking for a "Mr. Right", (laughing), though I did go looking for an ideal group of people and fell victim to high control religions and groups based on philosophies or politics. I have also read elsewhere of what they call the "god gene", carried in people who are mostly to seek a god. Earlier in this book I noted how research showed trauma affected genes. Is it more likely then that trauma can cause the development of a god gene and that is why people who have experienced trauma are more likely to go god searching? (though admittedly, the article I read said the gene could be found in the fertilized egg of a woman before a child is formed....trauma in mother would determine genes of babe, wouldn't it?.....God said 'formed before you were even in the womb'....woa, am I on to something? Knowledge given to man long before such scientific methods could 'discover'/discern it. Either a natural god-like knowledge or God within us, writing our inner story as a history. Profound either way, I think) Discipline can be traumatic if we do not understand it. I have been entertaining that the bible is a record of our inner developmental process, beginning with innocence destroyed by our first act of disobedience in life, God's relationship with people becoming much like adolescence, and finally the rejoining of mind/spirit with body in the book of Revelation; the promised health and long life of a body with a sound mind/healthy spirit; a completed soul, unfractured/not existing in the tree of knowledge's fruit: extreme good and evil. And if "primitive man" had this inner knowledge, this understanding without the scientific language, what does that mean? Is "the christ" a single unified thought process/spirit?...because I have often wondered how it could be said this Jesus was firstborn from the dead, he raised Lazarus and prophets before him raised many other people. Prophets have been "taken to heaven" instead of experiencing death. This Jesus was not the first human to have 'ascended to heaven' unless he is figurative. But what would be the cause of 'mass hallucinations', the reported experiences of people all having seen this Jesus' resurrection? The implications.....! Part of me knew the apostles had been ripped off, mislead in waiting for a literal return of the man they had loved. But I felt it was for a purpose, so they would leave us a message that would not have spread so far if it was not so very urgently presented.
If it is in our collective memory, I will find it (she winks, He always gives me the answers I ask, just a matter of when). The soul is in the blood, the blood goes from mother to child, memories in cells from before we are born, genes.....the knowledge of the first human beings, their memories, their understandings passed along physically and interpreted by 'feelings' which we translate into stories? But how did the first people ever know from where we came and what was required for inner peace unless it was there from the beginning. "Self-fulfilled prophesy" comes in here, which would explain why every group, every society, every community, every country and maybe even the world experiences it's own "Armageddon" sooner or later. Mankind as a race as been living a self-fulfilling prophesy from it's collective memory. How very interesting. Further, if man evolved from animals...the bible does say "all of creation is groaning" awaiting for the end of this process....is this why animals are part of this self-fulfilling prophesy, they share the same cell memories? That would mean the story of the bible is not just our individual inner story, but the story of evolution-known and foretold from the beginning of creation within the body of the very first creation. The individual and group "Armageddons" also experienced by animals as extinction? Is self-fulfilling prophesy based on experience of evolution or caused by prophesy? Which came first, the chicken of fulfillment or the egg of prophesy? Answer comes: both came from their source as it's desire was developed, the desire being to become observer of self.
Chapter 19
This is where Dr. Mate gets into the topic of genes. But before I move into the chapter, a dinner break made conducive some further reflections: Are mass hallucinations and collective consciousness the result of us picking up on electrical pulses in the brain of others we are naturally alert to because we find them stimulating or otherwise important to our development? The hope for the future, even if relying purely on evolution is this: evolution/enlightenment always results in a new, improved creation from that which survives evolution/enlightenment. The survival of the fittest, which is always that which has met challenges/dysfunctions and overcome them. And in our cells' awareness from racial memory of what is required to succeed in evolution/enlightenment, is this where we get the assurance (such as bible writers claim) of a pre-destination for success/salvation? Is this common knowledge what inspires people to recognize those succeeding and declare them prophets and saviors, knowing through them, their evolution, the entire species is saved? Is this what triggers access to even deeper cellular memory and understandings? Is this why those not 'destined' to make it resist it; their cells recognize their own brain's limitation and to keep it from being overloaded they can tolerate no exposure to it? And all this electrical brainwave activity emanating out from people all around us would certainly be one explanation for why I get a burst of energy and clearer thinking around three in the morning when everyone else is in deeper sleep. Oh, and virgin birth is easy to explain. It is still practiced in the middle east. Young women are taken into 'harems' of relatives so they can be protected by the other women, I suspect as victims of rape and to protect them further from it. I suspect men go along with it to cover their own butts from accusations and shame. O.K., now back to genes and why the case for even their involvement in addiction does not make the potential for recovery to be hopeless.
Ah, so it was the press that exaggerates the relevancy of discovered genes to be associated with behaviors and personalities, so even the 'god gene' is a misleading in being responsible for behaviors. Rather, as Dr. Mate puts it, "Genes certainly appear to influence, among other features, such traits as temperament and sensitivity. These in turn, have a huge impact on how we experience our environment. Which would explain, in my opinion, why it is that children of abused people, though themselves not abused, continue to pass down dysfunctional personality trait tendencies. They are pre-disposed by their parent's altered genes and/or brain training and then pass that onto their children. It explains how addiction can come from a "sober" family. Dr. Mate writes: "...it has now been discovered that there are only about thirty thousand gene sequences in our DNA-even less than in some lowly worms. 'Our DNA is simply too paltry to spell out the wiring diagram for the human brain', writes UCLA research psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz. Far from being dictators of our destinies, genes are controlled by their environment, and without environmental signals they could not function....It is the environment within and outside the body that determines which genes switched on, or activated, in which cell. 'The cell's operations are primarily molded by it's interaction with the environment, not by it's genetic code.' the cell biologist Bruce Lipton has written". Epigenetics: the study of how life experiences influence the function of genes. "Women who were pregnant at the time of 9/11 World Trade Center attacks and who suffered post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of witnessing the disaster passed on their stress effects to their newborns." My reflection: a single disaster can create the birth of an entire generation of dysfunctional humans and as our world becomes so interconnected via the internet, the traumatic experiences are shared, dysfunction is spread and will be passed to the next generation. Dr. Mate writes how trauma in the womb due to a mother's stress accounts for ADHD and I had wondered if it also accounted for autism (Dr. Mate does not mention it, yet anyways), both of which are on the rise. he mentions how adopted children are predisposed to be at greater risk for dysfunctions simply because a mother who would put her child up for adoption is one who is experiencing to much stress due to being pregnant. I like this: Dr. Mate writes ".....we can accept or assign responsibility without taking on the useless baggage of guilt or blame." That is the leap I have been making-hooray! Dr. Mate writes at the end of this chapter "...our culture has too avidly embraced genetic fundamentalism." Can anyone repeat what the doc said earlier: "extreme trauma creates extreme thinking". No wonder we live in a sick society and when will society supporters like the doctor finally realize it, make the connection. He wrote earlier in the book that a study was done amongst intravenous drug users who, he claimed are relatively healthy and stable because......they were in college, as if participation in predominant cultural normalcy is a sign of healthy brain function. If we live in a traumatized and thus dysfunctional culture, it obviously isn't a sign of mental health and stability!
And this, which we want to keep in mind that vision and prophesy have a flair of the dramatic:
The end of the cold war came because the U. S. had agreed to prepare it's people for the incoming of a communist take-over. By introducing the indoctrination of communist mentality to the next generation in/through public education, they've prepared the ground for their invasion. There is less resistance when the people invaded discover how much they have in common in the way of thinking the world should be.
This has led to a separating of people from the public system. Those who will resist "on behalf of everybody" as well as those of us who understand the principle "let the unrighteous continue in unrighteousness and the righteous continue in righteousness". We are not to resist our invaders and we will have relative peace. They are here to be tools in the harvest which is now coming. The angels have already begun the harvest of spirits, now it will take those hiding within people.
Either that or it's all my own inner process: the end is near and the last vestiges of evil/dysfunction are about to be removed from me. Which, is just as exciting, in my opinion.
Further 'enlightenment on this subject' as I read Dr, Mate's "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". Here are my most recent reflections as I review his writing:
According to Dr. Mate, research shows that for each incident of trauma experienced: family violence, parental divorce, drug or alcohol abuse in the family, death of a parent, physical abuse or sexual abuse, for each one, the risk for early substance abuse is two to four times more likely. Five or more ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) makes one seven to ten times more likely to abuse substances. Seizure is also associated with sexual abuse. "Zoning out" for up to ten or twenty seconds is a symptom. Interesting, I do that all the time. Have never been diagnosed with seizures. Abnormalities in the corpus callosum, common in trauma survivors, causes a disruption or "split" between the two halves of the brain, the processing of emotion, particularly when under stress. It is a symptom of personality disorder and a kind of flip-flopping of emotions between idealization and intense dislike of another person. I have seen that not only in myself, nowadays to a lesser degree absolutely, but especially in those I have been in relationships with. The heart (one side of the brain) and the mind(other side of the brain) in conflict as one side wants to be understanding and the other is logical and recognizes bad behavior (according to it's opinion): right and left brain not working together in forming a single opinion, or simply remaining parted on priorities? Actually, while that may be so, I have learned to love, but from a safe distance where appropriate, so that split can be healed. But, I certainly did have an "all or nothing" mentality as a defense mechanism, I think; they were all for me or out the door when hurting me. "Love at first sight" should be a warning label, then: this person is brain damaged, proceed with caution around them, I guess. Certainly don't want to be in an intimate relationship with someone like that. Though I can say I never did have a love at first sight experience within me, I usually ignored men, gave them my whole heart and presence, giving up everything for them, did the flip-flopping between extremes when things began to become unstable then out the door with no remorse and crying due to lack of understanding on my part for their extreme hatred. Dr. Mate writes; "Extreme circumstances breed extremist brains". I have noticed in myself and others who have experienced abuse what I call an overblown sense of righteousness. It is a black and white thinking and the pursuit of underlying principles. The persuit of underlying principles is not such a bad thing, but the attributing them to absolute good or evil is where it gets dangerous, disallowing for the potential appropriateness to a particular set of circumstances. Black and white thinking relieves stress in abuse victims, simplifies things. But because it is so limiting, they use justification for bad behavior, inventing "good" underlying principles they aren't feeling. That, or they must resort to hatred to enact 'wrongly' in order to do the right thing appropriate to a set of circumstances. So, an act of love has to become an act of hatred in order for them to accomplish it. Dr. Mate then goes on to discuss stress and it's effects. Quoting another doctor, "A child who is stressed early in life will be more over-active and reactive. He is triggered more easily, is more anxious and distressed." Boy, did that describe how I used to be to a "T". Dr. Mate explains how trauma also effects hormones and how "situations or activities that for the average person are likely to bring satisfaction are undervalued because......they have not been rewarding-for example, intimate connections with family."
Explains why I never went looking for a "Mr. Right", (laughing), though I did go looking for an ideal group of people and fell victim to high control religions and groups based on philosophies or politics. I have also read elsewhere of what they call the "god gene", carried in people who are mostly to seek a god. Earlier in this book I noted how research showed trauma affected genes. Is it more likely then that trauma can cause the development of a god gene and that is why people who have experienced trauma are more likely to go god searching? (though admittedly, the article I read said the gene could be found in the fertilized egg of a woman before a child is formed....trauma in mother would determine genes of babe, wouldn't it?.....God said 'formed before you were even in the womb'....woa, am I on to something? Knowledge given to man long before such scientific methods could 'discover'/discern it. Either a natural god-like knowledge or God within us, writing our inner story as a history. Profound either way, I think) Discipline can be traumatic if we do not understand it. I have been entertaining that the bible is a record of our inner developmental process, beginning with innocence destroyed by our first act of disobedience in life, God's relationship with people becoming much like adolescence, and finally the rejoining of mind/spirit with body in the book of Revelation; the promised health and long life of a body with a sound mind/healthy spirit; a completed soul, unfractured/not existing in the tree of knowledge's fruit: extreme good and evil. And if "primitive man" had this inner knowledge, this understanding without the scientific language, what does that mean? Is "the christ" a single unified thought process/spirit?...because I have often wondered how it could be said this Jesus was firstborn from the dead, he raised Lazarus and prophets before him raised many other people. Prophets have been "taken to heaven" instead of experiencing death. This Jesus was not the first human to have 'ascended to heaven' unless he is figurative. But what would be the cause of 'mass hallucinations', the reported experiences of people all having seen this Jesus' resurrection? The implications.....! Part of me knew the apostles had been ripped off, mislead in waiting for a literal return of the man they had loved. But I felt it was for a purpose, so they would leave us a message that would not have spread so far if it was not so very urgently presented.
If it is in our collective memory, I will find it (she winks, He always gives me the answers I ask, just a matter of when). The soul is in the blood, the blood goes from mother to child, memories in cells from before we are born, genes.....the knowledge of the first human beings, their memories, their understandings passed along physically and interpreted by 'feelings' which we translate into stories? But how did the first people ever know from where we came and what was required for inner peace unless it was there from the beginning. "Self-fulfilled prophesy" comes in here, which would explain why every group, every society, every community, every country and maybe even the world experiences it's own "Armageddon" sooner or later. Mankind as a race as been living a self-fulfilling prophesy from it's collective memory. How very interesting. Further, if man evolved from animals...the bible does say "all of creation is groaning" awaiting for the end of this process....is this why animals are part of this self-fulfilling prophesy, they share the same cell memories? That would mean the story of the bible is not just our individual inner story, but the story of evolution-known and foretold from the beginning of creation within the body of the very first creation. The individual and group "Armageddons" also experienced by animals as extinction? Is self-fulfilling prophesy based on experience of evolution or caused by prophesy? Which came first, the chicken of fulfillment or the egg of prophesy? Answer comes: both came from their source as it's desire was developed, the desire being to become observer of self.
Chapter 19
This is where Dr. Mate gets into the topic of genes. But before I move into the chapter, a dinner break made conducive some further reflections: Are mass hallucinations and collective consciousness the result of us picking up on electrical pulses in the brain of others we are naturally alert to because we find them stimulating or otherwise important to our development? The hope for the future, even if relying purely on evolution is this: evolution/enlightenment always results in a new, improved creation from that which survives evolution/enlightenment. The survival of the fittest, which is always that which has met challenges/dysfunctions and overcome them. And in our cells' awareness from racial memory of what is required to succeed in evolution/enlightenment, is this where we get the assurance (such as bible writers claim) of a pre-destination for success/salvation? Is this common knowledge what inspires people to recognize those succeeding and declare them prophets and saviors, knowing through them, their evolution, the entire species is saved? Is this what triggers access to even deeper cellular memory and understandings? Is this why those not 'destined' to make it resist it; their cells recognize their own brain's limitation and to keep it from being overloaded they can tolerate no exposure to it? And all this electrical brainwave activity emanating out from people all around us would certainly be one explanation for why I get a burst of energy and clearer thinking around three in the morning when everyone else is in deeper sleep. Oh, and virgin birth is easy to explain. It is still practiced in the middle east. Young women are taken into 'harems' of relatives so they can be protected by the other women, I suspect as victims of rape and to protect them further from it. I suspect men go along with it to cover their own butts from accusations and shame. O.K., now back to genes and why the case for even their involvement in addiction does not make the potential for recovery to be hopeless.
Ah, so it was the press that exaggerates the relevancy of discovered genes to be associated with behaviors and personalities, so even the 'god gene' is a misleading in being responsible for behaviors. Rather, as Dr. Mate puts it, "Genes certainly appear to influence, among other features, such traits as temperament and sensitivity. These in turn, have a huge impact on how we experience our environment. Which would explain, in my opinion, why it is that children of abused people, though themselves not abused, continue to pass down dysfunctional personality trait tendencies. They are pre-disposed by their parent's altered genes and/or brain training and then pass that onto their children. It explains how addiction can come from a "sober" family. Dr. Mate writes: "...it has now been discovered that there are only about thirty thousand gene sequences in our DNA-even less than in some lowly worms. 'Our DNA is simply too paltry to spell out the wiring diagram for the human brain', writes UCLA research psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz. Far from being dictators of our destinies, genes are controlled by their environment, and without environmental signals they could not function....It is the environment within and outside the body that determines which genes switched on, or activated, in which cell. 'The cell's operations are primarily molded by it's interaction with the environment, not by it's genetic code.' the cell biologist Bruce Lipton has written". Epigenetics: the study of how life experiences influence the function of genes. "Women who were pregnant at the time of 9/11 World Trade Center attacks and who suffered post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of witnessing the disaster passed on their stress effects to their newborns." My reflection: a single disaster can create the birth of an entire generation of dysfunctional humans and as our world becomes so interconnected via the internet, the traumatic experiences are shared, dysfunction is spread and will be passed to the next generation. Dr. Mate writes how trauma in the womb due to a mother's stress accounts for ADHD and I had wondered if it also accounted for autism (Dr. Mate does not mention it, yet anyways), both of which are on the rise. he mentions how adopted children are predisposed to be at greater risk for dysfunctions simply because a mother who would put her child up for adoption is one who is experiencing to much stress due to being pregnant. I like this: Dr. Mate writes ".....we can accept or assign responsibility without taking on the useless baggage of guilt or blame." That is the leap I have been making-hooray! Dr. Mate writes at the end of this chapter "...our culture has too avidly embraced genetic fundamentalism." Can anyone repeat what the doc said earlier: "extreme trauma creates extreme thinking". No wonder we live in a sick society and when will society supporters like the doctor finally realize it, make the connection. He wrote earlier in the book that a study was done amongst intravenous drug users who, he claimed are relatively healthy and stable because......they were in college, as if participation in predominant cultural normalcy is a sign of healthy brain function. If we live in a traumatized and thus dysfunctional culture, it obviously isn't a sign of mental health and stability!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The bowl of Water
The Bowl of Water;
A Journey
by Crystal Morningstar (aka Stacey Bourdeau)
Take a large glass bowl to the ocean, river, lake or stream. Fill it with water. Bring it home. Place it as a centerpiece on your table. Look into that water. what would it feel like to swim in that water, to drink that water, be refreshed and renewed by it? Love that bowl of water.
That bowl of water is you.
Now go back to the ocean with a glass. Fill the glass with water and bring it home. Pour that glass of water into your bowl. This is that which we call God coming to visit you. Can you see the difference between the new water and old? No.
But there are differences when it arrives and when it leaves. Maybe you saw ripples in your bowl, a disturbance of sorts. Maybe the temperature of the water in your bowl changed as your moods change. Maybe some of the water spilled over onto the table out into the world or into another vessel or container. Maybe the spill was in the form of tears you cried, the impact for good or evil you had on someone else. Maybe it was the birth of a child or a healing miracle. Maybe the wind blew in a way that was unusual.
One day you notice the water level is lower. You never noticed the evaporation occuring, but there it is; water has left your bowl. After some time without that water moving or being refreshed, scum might begin to apear. The water begins to grow stale, grow mold, not have enough oxygen in it to sustain life. It ceases to breathe.
We may be closer to God than we think, closer than the world would have us to believe because it does not like the ripples, the temperature changes, the impact we leave. Maybe we feel abandoned because we are not perceiving God as anything but ourselves making ourselves crazy, conflicting with what the world would have us believe.
Be assured, so long as those inner waters are moving, overflowing, disagreeing,....God is visiting.
Maybe someone else has let their water grow old and we don't want it spilling into our bowl. Maybe someone else's mold is floating at the top of our bowl until our next over flow. Maybe we can sense an overflow about to occur and choose how to use it, where to direct it. We never know.....some of it is under our control. But we cannot always control other bowls. we cannot always control our own bowl.
Sometimes the ocean comes to us. Sometimes we go to the ocean. Sometimes someone else has gone to the ocean for us. Sometimes a stranger comes to our town, someone from the past "out of the blue", overflowing with water and stirring up trouble, the mold out of old, stagnant waters. mold going from bowl to bowl, back and forth again and again, never ending.
Explore the potentials, follow the water. Where does it flow? Is someone else's overflow just your old mold coming back to be returned to your bowl? Know your own mold. if you're a regular flower, know that it wasn't. You may have carried it so long, it has become so familar, you don't remember when it wasn't there. And sometimes, maybe ya just don't care. it's mold. It's water. It's there.
Maybe we wonder why we are always the center of trouble, all we are ever doing is flowing.
All rivers flow back to the ocean, all waters seek to return to their source. The more the source is in you, the more rivers come seeking to overflow into you. the muddy ones, the crystal clear springs......
So dance. So sing. So keep those waters flowing.
Sometimes they'll be crazy spirits. Sometimes they'll be animals hurting.
It is all water and it is all flowing.
it is all madness. It is all peace. It is all moving.
Even in the least.
It is ever flowing, washing you right out of your seat, knocking you off your feet, out of your comfort zone, leaving you someplace alone.
It comes in waves.
It flows steady.
It's oceans are stormy.
It's rivers are glistening.
Are you listening?
In it's vessels it is speaking.
Do we only hear it when it is a wave crashing, or do we notice gurgling and splashing? Can we discern a trickle? When it causes a leaf to be set to rustling?
Do we set up great dams within ourselves so it does come crashing and foaming, so we know we are alive and flowing because we failed to notice or believe the slow, steady trickle?
Do we only allow ourselves to flow when others are flowing?
Do we only allow it for special occassions?
How often DO we choose our own reality, our stagnation, our own death and dying?
When is it giving us answers but we add our dams to it, our mold, corrupting it's intention and effectiveness?
How often do we take it personally when it shouldn't be?
It is the ocean making them angry, not the individual.
It is the ocean they are fighting, not you or me.
We are simply all they can see.
we are the only part of the ocean they know.
It is the part of which they are aware.
It's the only part for which they care.
All those flowing emotions are symptoms of God speaking to me.
When I rail at something outside me, to change something, it is a symptom of God within me speaking, with whom I am arguing. I am running, I am refusing an opportunity to see something.
It is the water flowing, trying to overcome the dams within me.
And sometimes it is telling me it is something that needs doing, something I am refusing.
Sometimes it wants me alone, to it's self, so it's gift can be fully developed within me. So a process can become complete. So, I miss an opportunity, I am deprived of something, the computer won't be working, a ship keeps on sailing. I wasn't yet ready, full, complete. I was too busy, I wasn't listening.
God only yells at you when you aren't listening.
But if you do listen, he is quiet and patient and long-suffering. He is entertaining.
It is a He when it is in control of things. (get the meaning, not the words that I here speak)
Do you feel the energy?
Did you take the journey?
Do you 'see' the peace?
Do you now recognize me?
This is me.
Recognize me.
It is God who is speaking.
A Journey
by Crystal Morningstar (aka Stacey Bourdeau)
Take a large glass bowl to the ocean, river, lake or stream. Fill it with water. Bring it home. Place it as a centerpiece on your table. Look into that water. what would it feel like to swim in that water, to drink that water, be refreshed and renewed by it? Love that bowl of water.
That bowl of water is you.
Now go back to the ocean with a glass. Fill the glass with water and bring it home. Pour that glass of water into your bowl. This is that which we call God coming to visit you. Can you see the difference between the new water and old? No.
But there are differences when it arrives and when it leaves. Maybe you saw ripples in your bowl, a disturbance of sorts. Maybe the temperature of the water in your bowl changed as your moods change. Maybe some of the water spilled over onto the table out into the world or into another vessel or container. Maybe the spill was in the form of tears you cried, the impact for good or evil you had on someone else. Maybe it was the birth of a child or a healing miracle. Maybe the wind blew in a way that was unusual.
One day you notice the water level is lower. You never noticed the evaporation occuring, but there it is; water has left your bowl. After some time without that water moving or being refreshed, scum might begin to apear. The water begins to grow stale, grow mold, not have enough oxygen in it to sustain life. It ceases to breathe.
We may be closer to God than we think, closer than the world would have us to believe because it does not like the ripples, the temperature changes, the impact we leave. Maybe we feel abandoned because we are not perceiving God as anything but ourselves making ourselves crazy, conflicting with what the world would have us believe.
Be assured, so long as those inner waters are moving, overflowing, disagreeing,....God is visiting.
Maybe someone else has let their water grow old and we don't want it spilling into our bowl. Maybe someone else's mold is floating at the top of our bowl until our next over flow. Maybe we can sense an overflow about to occur and choose how to use it, where to direct it. We never know.....some of it is under our control. But we cannot always control other bowls. we cannot always control our own bowl.
Sometimes the ocean comes to us. Sometimes we go to the ocean. Sometimes someone else has gone to the ocean for us. Sometimes a stranger comes to our town, someone from the past "out of the blue", overflowing with water and stirring up trouble, the mold out of old, stagnant waters. mold going from bowl to bowl, back and forth again and again, never ending.
Explore the potentials, follow the water. Where does it flow? Is someone else's overflow just your old mold coming back to be returned to your bowl? Know your own mold. if you're a regular flower, know that it wasn't. You may have carried it so long, it has become so familar, you don't remember when it wasn't there. And sometimes, maybe ya just don't care. it's mold. It's water. It's there.
Maybe we wonder why we are always the center of trouble, all we are ever doing is flowing.
All rivers flow back to the ocean, all waters seek to return to their source. The more the source is in you, the more rivers come seeking to overflow into you. the muddy ones, the crystal clear springs......
So dance. So sing. So keep those waters flowing.
Sometimes they'll be crazy spirits. Sometimes they'll be animals hurting.
It is all water and it is all flowing.
it is all madness. It is all peace. It is all moving.
Even in the least.
It is ever flowing, washing you right out of your seat, knocking you off your feet, out of your comfort zone, leaving you someplace alone.
It comes in waves.
It flows steady.
It's oceans are stormy.
It's rivers are glistening.
Are you listening?
In it's vessels it is speaking.
Do we only hear it when it is a wave crashing, or do we notice gurgling and splashing? Can we discern a trickle? When it causes a leaf to be set to rustling?
Do we set up great dams within ourselves so it does come crashing and foaming, so we know we are alive and flowing because we failed to notice or believe the slow, steady trickle?
Do we only allow ourselves to flow when others are flowing?
Do we only allow it for special occassions?
How often DO we choose our own reality, our stagnation, our own death and dying?
When is it giving us answers but we add our dams to it, our mold, corrupting it's intention and effectiveness?
How often do we take it personally when it shouldn't be?
It is the ocean making them angry, not the individual.
It is the ocean they are fighting, not you or me.
We are simply all they can see.
we are the only part of the ocean they know.
It is the part of which they are aware.
It's the only part for which they care.
All those flowing emotions are symptoms of God speaking to me.
When I rail at something outside me, to change something, it is a symptom of God within me speaking, with whom I am arguing. I am running, I am refusing an opportunity to see something.
It is the water flowing, trying to overcome the dams within me.
And sometimes it is telling me it is something that needs doing, something I am refusing.
Sometimes it wants me alone, to it's self, so it's gift can be fully developed within me. So a process can become complete. So, I miss an opportunity, I am deprived of something, the computer won't be working, a ship keeps on sailing. I wasn't yet ready, full, complete. I was too busy, I wasn't listening.
God only yells at you when you aren't listening.
But if you do listen, he is quiet and patient and long-suffering. He is entertaining.
It is a He when it is in control of things. (get the meaning, not the words that I here speak)
Do you feel the energy?
Did you take the journey?
Do you 'see' the peace?
Do you now recognize me?
This is me.
Recognize me.
It is God who is speaking.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
At some point we have to admit it
At some point we have to admit we are different. We have to admit we were intentionally created directly with purpose. We were created for this moment in time when we could feel/experience the full effects of this system late enough in it that we would not have to experience death. We will never have to ask why or put God to the test. This intentional creation not completely inexperienced of the first is how it is possible to create a new earth that will never experience destruction.
first creation was unintentional creation as in: it was born of desire. The next earth and new creation is intentional with a purpose. It is fully conscious of what it is doing, what is wanted and how to achieve it.
first creation was unintentional creation as in: it was born of desire. The next earth and new creation is intentional with a purpose. It is fully conscious of what it is doing, what is wanted and how to achieve it.
What if? Adam and Eve
This morning after noticing I was, in spirit, interacting with a long lost companion, the question came to me: What if the spirit was Adam and the body was Eve? What if Adam was rejoicing over being given "flesh and bone of my own" rather than "flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones" as we understand it. What if that yolking they lost at their fall was the spirit disconnecting from the body? That is why Eve would yearn for her "husband", because they would be seperated. What if his having to toil to receive fruit from the earth was the same kind of toiling and digging for answers one must do to receive the Kingdom? Both soul and spirit would have to come to understand oneanother without that yolking/connection that made oneness effortless if respected. "He" would have to dig into her to come to know how she felt, come to gain her trust enough to give up her fruit:honest expression of her feelings and perceptions without which he could not exist in the physical. Spirit feeds, controls, nourishes, sustains the body. She would have to seek him out, gain his approval for him to give her life continuously, but to get the understanding from him to get his cooperation and willingness to sustain her, she would have to subject herself to the great pain and suffering of his "blind" attempts. (blind because he was no longer yolked to her, in that oneness, psychic connection where he feels her every bodily function, movement, and feeling, experience). Were the first men created the spirits over/of the animals including humans? And then God decided to yolk Adam, man/spirit/angel over humans to it's own body?
When I was a child, I awoke from experiemces where I played with a blonde boy child at family functions. When I awoke again to my spiritual awareness, I had a 'mate' I was paired with. We were like highschool sweethearts; eachother's firsts and onlies. I explained to him that he hurt me and so I was going to be with someone else for a while. He understood completely why and how. Sadly, he let me leave. We would argue and accuse like a pair of inner children, him complaining of my 'weaknesses', me crying at his harshness, lack of compassion, judgement, impatience, etc. "She's doing it again", he would tattle. In observing them, I was parenting them it seemed. And then now, this morning I awoke from an experience where I was speaking warmly with him. I realized he had returned, that we were again together and my time with the other had completely ended.......on Easter morning rather than passover, I also noted. I rejoiced at our being back together again, but I sense it must not be completely.
But, it is that experience which gave me the basis from which the question/answer could be proposed/presented.
When I was a child, I awoke from experiemces where I played with a blonde boy child at family functions. When I awoke again to my spiritual awareness, I had a 'mate' I was paired with. We were like highschool sweethearts; eachother's firsts and onlies. I explained to him that he hurt me and so I was going to be with someone else for a while. He understood completely why and how. Sadly, he let me leave. We would argue and accuse like a pair of inner children, him complaining of my 'weaknesses', me crying at his harshness, lack of compassion, judgement, impatience, etc. "She's doing it again", he would tattle. In observing them, I was parenting them it seemed. And then now, this morning I awoke from an experience where I was speaking warmly with him. I realized he had returned, that we were again together and my time with the other had completely ended.......on Easter morning rather than passover, I also noted. I rejoiced at our being back together again, but I sense it must not be completely.
But, it is that experience which gave me the basis from which the question/answer could be proposed/presented.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Covenants and vows
Been given today to do alot of reflecting on this issue. In gathering as a community, should we make vows to stick to that community, to commit to other people, is it appropriate? According to the Lord and Master of all things as recorded in scripture: "it is better to make no vows" (when speaking about swearing by the Father or anything under heaven). "For we do not know what tomorrow will bring". We are but human. We are not in charge of our fate or our destiny. We do not know what tomorrow holds.
When questioned about whose wife a woman would be after having been married to seven brothers, Yahushua's reply was "those destined for the ressurrection are neither to be married nor given in marriage". We are not to make contracts, I am given, "because you belong to Me". God has covenanted for me (paid the price for my freedom). No agreements unless God agrees.
I often wondered about marriage. made the vow before ever knowing I was meant to be destined for Eternity. Until his death, I am under the law of my husband. That is easy because his "law" says "When it comes to Rachel (his 'wife') don't even go there" and "stay away from me". He chose to be dishonest and unfaithful, setting me free and taking upon himself any guilt for any sin I might be committing in his absence.
I do wonder about a friend whose wife moved her boyfriend in. My friend left. His law says "I will tolerate no competition", I guess. her sin is on her in this instance. "Does that leave my friend now free to be with other women?", I wonder. Or is he bound to be faithful to his commitment until his or her untimely death? Does he justly punish her by being with other women?
When Isreal failed to fulfill her part of the covenant, God vowed to take another "woman" who would be faithful while declaring He never gave Isreal a certificate of divorcing. He would claim His rights over Isreal as 'wife' AND have another....a bride for His son, actually. One He has chosen and trained since her beggining. You make a vow, you pay a vow, Isreal will be faithful, He would see to it, as her husband. The other is to provoke her to jealousy.
When questioned about whose wife a woman would be after having been married to seven brothers, Yahushua's reply was "those destined for the ressurrection are neither to be married nor given in marriage". We are not to make contracts, I am given, "because you belong to Me". God has covenanted for me (paid the price for my freedom). No agreements unless God agrees.
I often wondered about marriage. made the vow before ever knowing I was meant to be destined for Eternity. Until his death, I am under the law of my husband. That is easy because his "law" says "When it comes to Rachel (his 'wife') don't even go there" and "stay away from me". He chose to be dishonest and unfaithful, setting me free and taking upon himself any guilt for any sin I might be committing in his absence.
I do wonder about a friend whose wife moved her boyfriend in. My friend left. His law says "I will tolerate no competition", I guess. her sin is on her in this instance. "Does that leave my friend now free to be with other women?", I wonder. Or is he bound to be faithful to his commitment until his or her untimely death? Does he justly punish her by being with other women?
When Isreal failed to fulfill her part of the covenant, God vowed to take another "woman" who would be faithful while declaring He never gave Isreal a certificate of divorcing. He would claim His rights over Isreal as 'wife' AND have another....a bride for His son, actually. One He has chosen and trained since her beggining. You make a vow, you pay a vow, Isreal will be faithful, He would see to it, as her husband. The other is to provoke her to jealousy.
The collapse of the inner black hole
As I reflectively wrote of receiving a gift, I noticed part of the inner process was a relief, releasing....the allowing of the collapse of an inner black hole at the letting down of a wall around it. God would not have allowed for it unless nourishment for it was coming, so it's collapse is exciting! But with it came a few understandings:
Women like me don't accept gifts from just anybody. (I write women, simply because I cannot assume it is the same for men, but I acknowledge it very well could be). When we accept gifts, we allow in the energy behind that giving. So, for example, if the giving comes with strings, we feel trapped, forced, violated allowing ourselves to receive it but especially so when we the thing given and have no other way to obtain it. We are very sensative to WHY the gift is given. That space with which we receive is sacred. We nourish ourselves from the energy that exists within it.
Because of bad experiences, that place becomes a black hole within which we allow nobody. We simply learn to do things for ourselves. Allowing others to do things for us is far too costly emotionally. Now, some can receive things from anybody regardless of intent. they have that wall up and no one is getting in. They are cold, unappreciative it seems, and become 'users', abusive, thieves. Then there are those who let in anyone with anything because they have no wall of protection, they desperately want to fill that void with anything. Women like me will throw a gift back in your face because we can't trust you; you hurt us. But once in a while we let down that wall temporarily, as long as the exchange is good energy. Then when any reason for fear aproaches, that wall is back up and good luck penetrating it!
That is why people give coldly, from the head they give gifts inappropriate to the person or circumstances. They give from a guilty conscience, or what the conscience dictates, it's safe; they've done their 'duty'. Some of us can give from that same place we receive while still seeing to wall maintanance. We give gifts that suit the person and occassion perfectly and even might leave the door open a bit to allow in the possibility that a gift is going to come in similarly. But, we are always at the ready with that door handle.
I have reached a state of exhaustion. Maintaining walls is exhausting. Giving constantly without receiving is exhausting. I am in a wait and see what happens mode. Letting it all down and waiting for occassion to determine the response appropriate. Wall or no wall, we shall see in the moment discernment is needed. It would be nice if it meant something good is coming!
My Facebook post that started this train of thinking:
For some reason getting a package in the mail from someone you know is awesome. You know they selected something, then took the time and resources to pack it up carefully/thoughtfully/
Women like me don't accept gifts from just anybody. (I write women, simply because I cannot assume it is the same for men, but I acknowledge it very well could be). When we accept gifts, we allow in the energy behind that giving. So, for example, if the giving comes with strings, we feel trapped, forced, violated allowing ourselves to receive it but especially so when we the thing given and have no other way to obtain it. We are very sensative to WHY the gift is given. That space with which we receive is sacred. We nourish ourselves from the energy that exists within it.
Because of bad experiences, that place becomes a black hole within which we allow nobody. We simply learn to do things for ourselves. Allowing others to do things for us is far too costly emotionally. Now, some can receive things from anybody regardless of intent. they have that wall up and no one is getting in. They are cold, unappreciative it seems, and become 'users', abusive, thieves. Then there are those who let in anyone with anything because they have no wall of protection, they desperately want to fill that void with anything. Women like me will throw a gift back in your face because we can't trust you; you hurt us. But once in a while we let down that wall temporarily, as long as the exchange is good energy. Then when any reason for fear aproaches, that wall is back up and good luck penetrating it!
That is why people give coldly, from the head they give gifts inappropriate to the person or circumstances. They give from a guilty conscience, or what the conscience dictates, it's safe; they've done their 'duty'. Some of us can give from that same place we receive while still seeing to wall maintanance. We give gifts that suit the person and occassion perfectly and even might leave the door open a bit to allow in the possibility that a gift is going to come in similarly. But, we are always at the ready with that door handle.
I have reached a state of exhaustion. Maintaining walls is exhausting. Giving constantly without receiving is exhausting. I am in a wait and see what happens mode. Letting it all down and waiting for occassion to determine the response appropriate. Wall or no wall, we shall see in the moment discernment is needed. It would be nice if it meant something good is coming!
My Facebook post that started this train of thinking:
For some reason getting a package in the mail from someone you know is awesome. You know they selected something, then took the time and resources to pack it up carefully/thoughtfully/
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