The collapse of the inner black hole

    As I reflectively wrote of receiving a gift, I noticed part of the inner process was a relief, releasing....the allowing of the collapse of an inner black hole at the letting down of a wall around it. God would not have allowed for it unless nourishment for it was coming, so it's collapse is exciting! But with it came a few understandings:
    Women like me don't accept gifts from just anybody. (I write women, simply because I cannot assume it is the same for men, but I acknowledge it very well could be). When we accept gifts, we allow in the energy behind that giving. So, for example, if the giving comes with strings, we feel trapped, forced, violated allowing ourselves to receive it but especially so when we the thing given and have no other way to obtain it. We are very sensative to WHY the gift is given. That space with which we receive is sacred. We nourish ourselves from the energy that exists within it.
      Because of bad experiences, that place becomes a black hole within which we allow nobody. We simply learn to do things for ourselves. Allowing others to do things for us is far too costly emotionally. Now, some can receive things from anybody regardless of intent. they have that wall up and no one is getting in. They are cold, unappreciative it seems, and become 'users', abusive, thieves. Then there are those who let in anyone with anything because they have no wall of protection, they desperately want to fill that void with anything. Women like me will throw a gift back in your face because we can't trust you; you hurt us. But once in a while we let down that wall temporarily, as long as the exchange is good energy. Then when any reason for fear aproaches, that wall is back up and good luck penetrating it!
      That is why people give coldly, from the head they give gifts inappropriate to the person or circumstances. They give from a guilty conscience, or what the conscience dictates, it's safe; they've done their 'duty'. Some of us can give from that same place we receive while still seeing to wall maintanance. We give gifts that suit the person and occassion perfectly and even might leave the door open a bit to allow in the possibility that a gift is going to come in similarly. But, we are always at the ready with that door handle.
     I have reached a state of exhaustion. Maintaining walls is exhausting. Giving constantly without receiving is exhausting. I am in a wait and see what happens mode. Letting it all down and waiting for occassion to determine the response appropriate. Wall or no wall, we shall see in the moment discernment is needed. It would be nice if it meant something good is coming!

My Facebook post that started this train of thinking:

For some reason getting a package in the mail from someone you know is awesome. You know they selected something, then took the time and resources to pack it up carefully/thoughtfully/protectively and went to the post office, which is usually out of the way. Today I got one from an aquaintence out in California: two books and. um. multivitamins? lol Thinking I should be getting the hint from Universe/God/Guardian Angels "take care of yourself" after all the organic body stuff and now multivitamins. And yea, I know "can't take care of anyone else unless you first take care of yourself"...brings alot of inner turmoil! lol There's the self-consciousness that comes with the idea that i am lacking and maybe that is what is being pointed out (not feeling that messege coming from those who are giving me these things, just saying...). Then there is the inner collapse which is now being allowed, relief from having to keep self built up on nothing. Awkwardness at not knowing how simply because one is used to being completely drained and still having demands made upon them. .........and men wonder why we women cry at "stupid little things"! lol Now you know! You give them a gift and they break down. Little did you know there is a whole inner process like that which happens in that single moment of unwrapping!