The pieces fall together finally on my relationship status

    Many years ago I was told my the ministers who were training me that the reason the younger men treated me so badly was because I was intimidating. I was smart and beautiful and men found this intimidating. I had no idea what to do with that information. What does that mean?
    A male domestic violence worker commented after asking my age; "You haven't learned yet?!". Excuse me, I had a grandmother go to her grave still married to the man who raped and impregnated her daughter. I have aunts nearing it still married to abusive men. In my circles, I am way ahead of the game just for knowing enough to leave them!
   In becoming committed to ending the cycle with me and getting to the root causes of domestic violence, I also learned about things like PTSD. I learned about the fight, flight or freeze responses to trauma, to fear.
   It was only today that it all was given to click in my brain: if I am so intimidating to men, their only responses they can have to me is to fight, flee or freeze. Obviously I cannot be in a relationship with some who has fled. One cannot be in a relationship with one who freezes; offers no response, no engagement, no stimulation unless one wants to wilt and die in staying with them: every plant needs watering. So, logically speaking, the only relationships I could have we with those who constantly hurt me.
   If relationships were where we learn about ourselves and where we grow, is it truly any wonder I would have been stunted, immature?
   So now I have learned to be in good relationship with self. Now I know how to be in good relationship with others. Now I understand why it had not been so previously. Now, may it be an end to the "Stacey has never had a good relationship" story. May it be the end to the "woman alone" chapters of my story.

The Enlightened man, the wild man......

    I see memes going around the re-wilding woman and enlightened women websites all about what the ideal male gendered mate for an embodied goddess would be.
    I think I'll let him decide who he is and what he wants to be. Are we not trying to relieve ourselves of the conditioning by religion and culture and familial custom of what we should be as women? Are we not seeking to be sovereign/self determined? And yet we now we want to spread memes about what our male incarnated counterpart should be? Hypocritical, aren't we?
   So, while all the sexy pics and described qualities and conditions of what a man of the equal state of being should be and have done and should be doing......we might want to just scroll past those memes.
  I want him to have the same right to self-determination as I have given me ;)

What I learned reading the story of Siddhartha

     The copy of a book of the story of Siddhartha I read began with the background of the Buddhist practices. It explained how spirits were tired of the cycle of karma and were seeking for ways to escape it for the pain was so great. Associating suffering with conscious existence; incarnation, even as purely spirit, they sought their own non-existence/extinction/suicide that they might return to Source, become unborn again. So, while so many practices lead to an enlightened life, overall, adherence to them brings us ever closer to death. When one seeks the ultimate Buddhist experience, one is seeking death. That is why all "enlightened masters" die, their bodies continuing to age and expire despite their healing abilities.
    The second thing I learned was toward the end of the story of Siddhartha's life. When it was realized Siddhartha's son was acting out and unhappy because Siddhartha offered no resistance, Siddhartha sent him away. "Are we so insecure about our "enlightenment" that we ourselves can not offer the resistance our children need to themselves expand their own consciousness?!"- was my response to that action. As an emotionally abandoned child,I know the pain of an absent parent experience, abandonment, a lack of priority. I treated myself the same way: I didn't appreciate myself, settled for and even sought out poor treatment.
   "And who says 'enlightenment' it's self does not inspire the offering of resistance?"- I now know to ask. We are so conditioned to expect only certain behaviors as kind, loving and thus marks of wisdom and "enlightenment". Well, you know what? An enlightened state of being might inspire a proverbial ass-wooping. Maybe we are inspired to say no when a child crosses boundaries, not only so we are respecting ourselves but that a child might learn from the example that they can and should have boundaries of their own. From a state of'enlightenment', our inspired responses will be just the right level of intensity, the right degree of response. Whereas, if left to an 'unenlightened' world, the responses might be over or under reacting. Who better to deliver appropriate resistance than an 'enlightened' being?
   If one is more from a self-sacrificing, "we must serve others above ourselves" perception: should we not sacrifice our own (idea of) state of "enlightenment" for our children? ;)

We begin taking clients!

I have been guided to begin "getting my hands dirty", planting seeds of expanded consciousness, water with support and sharing of knowledge gained by experiences with the goal being your spiritual empowerment in becoming a mature tree in Earth's garden!
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**** I became a mainstream licensed and trained Christian minister in 1992. Since then I have been trained as a psychic, and a conscious channelor. I have been published as a writer on social issues and I am presently working as a trained domestic violence advocate.
Let's get busy together! Let me help you!

Subjection to the weaker conscience and domestic violence

  For every advancement of what is healthy in relationships that comes into my present experience, something of the old and painful comes out along with understandings surrounding it. What came in was finally a man who didn't use a 'parenting' tone while expressing an understanding of my priorities. That was so delightful a flutter like a baby in my womb happened in response to it. Not butterflies in the stomach but actual life in the womb. I found that interesting.
  What came out was memories of being attacked and verbally abused for things like not shaving (if I wanted to date a man, I'd be gay), smoking (wow! You're so pretty. But I like the taste of a woman and smoking changes it), telling an older woman whether or not I was on birth control was none of her business when my "significant other" preferred I 'keep the peace' instead (shhh, don't say that!)........
  With it I understood not bending to another's weakness is perceived by them as an attack on them and so, in their mind, they are committing an act of self-defense. Thus the abuser perceives themselves a victim subject to "embarrassing" or "unpleasant" aspects of the one they expressed a desire to be in a more intimate relationship with. Then I remembered each of these men identified themselves as Christians. With that came memory of the scriptures used to guide relationships by priests, ministers, pastors, elders, etc. : 1 Corinthians chapter 8. There it explains how some view eating of meat dedicated to idols as a sin, that they are those of a weaker conscience, and so as not to offend or stumble them a mature Christian would not eat the meat around the one with the weaker conscience. The message is to avoid behavior that might offend the less mature. Is that not what we see in abusive relationships? And these interactions were initiated by these men. They initiated contact solely to make sure their opinion was known to me what they did not approve of about me. So what would possess a man to believe he has the right to approach a woman solely to attack her? Could it be scriptural admonitions to be vigilant, shepherd, correct the congregation, subjection by women the 'weaker' vessels?
  The root of the immature ruling over the more mature, the weak over the strong, didn't grow out of Christianity, I'm sure. I do know Christianity isn't helping uproot the dysfunction or helping with prevention of damage, however. Yeah, if I were Jesus I'd be pretty sad, too.
*as a side note, I've noticed women who demonstrate an inability to tolerate the existence of something different from their belief system as well. The entire Christian based culture creates a perceived attack (persecution complex/paranoia) in the mere existence of that which they find offensive and thus a perceived right to attack it 'back'. Even in politics, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say..law after law, fear-based

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........

My Heart, My Love, My Life, My Whole World........
  I am sorry you are going through this. You did nothing to deserve it.
I am sorry for the times you felt powerless. I am sorry for the times you felt like you are getting mixed messages. I am sorry for the times you felt like you couldn't do anything right. I am sorry you were made to feel confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, and violated. I am sorry for when you've felt abandoned, unjustly and inappropriately blamed for things. I am sorry you have been made to feel unsafe in your body, your home, your bed, at the ringing of a phone, a knock on the door, on social media, at work, walking down the road, in your tent, in your own dreams, your own thoughts, your own heart, your own words.
 I am sorry for when you have had that which mattered most to you taken from you even though you were doing the very best you could do. I am sorry you have felt alone and misunderstood, misrepresented.
  I am sorry for those times when you felt unequipped for what you are facing or being asked to do: know I am always with you!
 I know you are brave; you woke up and faced every one of those moments. I know you are strong; you want to love again, you want to feel safe, free and open.......on these things, you never gave up. I know you are wise; you are listening. You are powerful. You've carried on.
  You deserve love without abandon. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin. You deserve to be able to trust and be trusted. You deserve to be heard and understood. You deserve individual attention. You deserve to have all your needs met. You deserve to be touched with deep respect and have your name spoken with reverence. you deserve time. You deserve rest. You deserve to be able to breath easy, to know what it means to truly live.
  I give these things to you now.

Summon your power!

This morning after I did some clearing dancing I felt a power come in feeling the image: " Near a bonfire on the top of a hill declaring :"Come! Come dance and summon your power! You are about to be betrayed and abandoned!". "
Again? lol almost boring this pattern of feeling sure of something and then having the rug pulled out from under me, betrayed by "the powers that be"......
O.K., so I have learned for the modern 'prophet', when asking for whom the bell tolls? the answer is always "You!". O.K. So I am about to be denied an opportunity: have been given the keys to a truck that will roll down a hill the moment I try to back it out of the parking spot...so to speak.
There's a "flip side" perception of these things: I am about to be released from an agreement that would not have fully served me and probably required I compromise some part of me and I'm going to be let go, set free, liberated, left alone (relief!).
Thus armed and comforted with an alternate perception, I allow myself to undergo the emotional journey of being betrayed and abandoned, the devastation, the feeling I was deceiving myself, believing an illusion, fooled and thus foolish, insecurity about my own judgement, feeling my way: does any of this anymore even resonate? Dance with it and send love into the aspects that would feel it anyways.
I am also armed with the knowledge that when we do not resist what we see coming which may be fear inspiring, when we allow ourselves to emotionally experience the reality, it neutralizes the potential so it does not manifest. We just experienced it and so the physical manifestation is not required to manifest.
Even if it does manifest to some degree, we are already prepared emotionally and can maintain a clarity to help see the solutions before me.
Underlying it all is an anchor of peace which allows me to undergo these things fearlessly, feel safe enough to ride the waves of emotions that may be coming and THAT is the power that needs summoning, the power to not lose faith, life-force, energy, wind in my sails, or identity in those defining, rug-being-pulled-out, end-of-the-world, whirlwind moments.
So come, come dance in the fire with me! Summon your fire, summon your power! Life is changing!