It was comfortable when I was young

      When I was young, I was perfectly comfortable with my every emotion. It felt good to express freely, embody the fullness of myself and/or get shite out of my system. I had no problem voicing joy and excitement. I had no issues with voicing anger or hurt. I could screech with excited abandon, cry like my whole world had come to an end, I could pout steadfastly as any sainted martyr and slice off body parts with my tongue when pissed off. It never would have occurred to me that such free expression of emotion would be a cause of discomfort in it's self. 

    Until it was brutally clear that every single one of those expressed emotions was going to be the cause of great discomfort for someone to be in the presence of or feel the brunt of. It takes a serious amount and level of opposition to send such an indomitable spirit into self awareness. 

     That's where sayings like those about some god placing the heaviest loads on their bravest and best come from. "God disciplines those He loves"; beatings, imprisonment, rape.....whatever it takes for us to wake the fuck up to ourselves so we realize that we are not alone in the world, to fully realize that, indeed, we are gods; creators of our realities and that we are loved.

     Sick and twisted from a human perspective, sure. If we have but one short life, that's valid. However, we don't. We are eternal. We can perceive ourselves to be injured parties, however there is no true and lasting harm. To the eternity, a lifetime of pain and suffering is merely the quick popping of a pus-filled blister. 

     That's why "secret" teachings, societies, etc. No one is trying to hide anything. It simply doesn't serve one who believes themselves as nothing more than a human being that lives but one short life and dies. There's just nothing to see here; move along.

I just wouldn't have thought that much of myself

     It didn't occur to me that one would refuse a termed contract because nothing less than an infinity with me would do. He was right not to settle. I admire his self respect. I am appreciating it as well because it released me to embody an even greater potential, which I am most thoroughly enjoying🤗

     It didn't occur to me that men would think so highly of me, that they'd be so intimidated by me, that they couldn't approach me without being intoxicated and making up an excuse just to look upon me and interact with me and that would lead to disrespecting my clearly expressed boundaries as well as natural ones like sleep. 

     It didn't occur to me that men would find me so irresistible that despite the best and purest of intentions, they could not help but force themselves on me even if "just" by controlling my finances, well being, socialization/support network, threatening me, passive-aggressively killing me to keep me for themselves. 

     It didn't occur to me that men would find me so precious that they would assume responsibility for me that oversteps what I believe are my best interests and my free will. 

     It just didn't occur to me to think so much of myself. Sorry and not sorry. Yup, I was(am?) inadvertently, by my innocent acceptance of self as normal, a whole bloody heap of trouble to people who don't have adequate self respect or self control. I can't take the blame any more than a newborn human in our shared society can be blamed for not being able to walk, talk and feed it's self. I'm keeping myself off the hook for it while being aware of how and why others are the way they are. 

      Just because you can, doesn't always mean you should.

Soul contracts

 I deserve to have people in my experience who keep their word to me and are true to the roles/mantels  they 've accepted and to allow me to do the same.

I saw it pointed out that contracts are fear based, covenants are agreements based on love. Like walls are to boundaries, I imagine.

Would, then, a covenant be a free will gift?

I want gifting relationships in my life 🎉

(it's nice to know what I DO want for a change instead of just what I don't want; to have a way to express it/the words. That's my gift to the world)

Narcissism

      I was asked to fill in for a peer for a peer counseling group. Synchronistically, a post came across my Facebook newsfeed about narcissism and I had some elaborations come up within me. The material I used for the group follows, consisting of the post, my elaborations and a link to clinical definition, diagnosis and treatment information.

      

I've seen women do this to men as well! It's not even just the holding of an arm. It could be using one's body to block retreat from the interaction. They push until they get threatened or hit then scream "abuser". No one is obligated to hear more of anyone's "side of the story" until they're forced to accept it! The backlash is self defense, not abuse. The "other side of the story" is usually gaslighting anyways; a narcissistic "coping mechanism". Don't forget; they've been conditioned as well. Doesn't make it OK, just a fact of abusive environment.

We would want to be sure we haven't misperceived what someone has said and throw about the term "gaslighted"; when stressed we tend to hear what we expect to hear or are afraid to hear. That would make us an inadvertent gas lighter. We could ask what someone said or thought they heard to clarify what is happening. This will help the inadvertent gas lighter to experience other than what they've been conditioned to fear and/or expect. If they don't cooperate with an attempt like that LET IT GO. There's fear in seeing and experiencing better feeling potentials for many of us. There's insecurity. There's regret that we wasted all of those years in fear and expectation. Self loathing that we didn't open up to it. Let it process in them. Respect that boundary.

As an aside; I've witnessed the intentional working up of someone just so the provoker can call them crazy, over emotional, etc. Also, the "hit and run"; accusations immediately followed by leaving.

Also: misperception via what we expect and/or fear can lead to us spreading false rumors about what we are or we've witnessed.

Link to clinical info on narcissism in comments.

https://www.emedicinehealth.com/what_are_the_nine_traits_of_a_narcissist/article_em.htm?fbclid=IwAR2Lb0S4R9IF_2d1XpM0VHS06_Iq9urLQbdFZaX7f2QFIfw7umf4jM8IXsYhttps://www.emedicinehealth.com/what_are_the_nine_traits_of_a_narcissist/article_em.htm?fbclid=IwAR2Lb0S4R9IF_2d1XpM0VHS06_Iq9urLQbdFZaX7f2QFIfw7umf4jM8IXsY

A Name to Embrace and Be Embraced!

      My roommate's name means "Star" in an ancient language and I am reading a story about stars. It is no coincidence that on this day, in  reading,  I learn that my middle name  means "Star of the Sea" in the same language that my last name means "By the Water". So, what of my first name that I so did not appreciate because as the nickname  of one which meant "one who rises again", that one had to fall? Well, in the same language as my middle and last name, it is not a derivative of another name and has a different meaning I discovered today in the same language as middle and last. It  means "good harvest" or "fruitful".

     My full name given at birth in the language of my biological ancestors means; "Fruitful  Star of the Sea by the Water".

       I like it.

      And; I am a Pisces who in a meditative state was drawn into the ocean to meet the King of the Ocean who pointed to my pregnant belly to extend a blessing.

Realization; another victim consciousness aspect biting the dust

       I realized that I had perceived myself a victim of my own self-awareness and intuition. Coming from an abusive environment where it felt like every healthy-for-me boundary, hope, desire, assertion of true self was felt to be met with violent resistance of one energetic form or another. No surprise that I began to expect it. I thus manifested it, perpetuated the experience of violence in response to self declarations.

       Being in the Slabs began to liberate me from those expectations, but my drunken state of depression clouded my ability to fully realize it. In a place where people can express self determination liberally, I had mustered up the confidence to practice it as well. I began to expect it to be respected, because for the most part it was, though not fully aware of this shift within myself.  

      In my present clarity I am able to realize this and affirm it to the aspects within me still living in the victim to myself mentality. Viva la Libertad!

Autumn's Harvest

      Now known as Autumn, I observe this autumn's harvest: a strength and clarity I may have in the past perceived as a hardness. It was so stark a contrast to my childhood experience that when I was younger such an expression would leave me crying in fear and insecurity. Now I see it have the same effect on others with no regret, only a lingering shadowy subconscious fear that maybe I should regret it. I comfort and assure that timid aspect with the conviction that they will grow, I am not responsible and energetically it has become a literal life and death choice I must make these days. 

      I have experienced more trauma in the past year and a half than many will experience in their entire lifetimes. I comforted, nurtured and gave generously to others. I ignored my own self care because when I was done serving others and putting on a brave face, if I were to see to myself, I would have no time for carefree fun I so craved all my life. So, I drank heavily to drown my own pain, avoid my own issues, and reach that state of carefree. It brought me to the edge of physical death; admitted to a hospital in critical condition, on the verge of deadly seizure, muscles deteriorating and failing kidneys. 

      I have planted myself in a place where I can recover my well-being on all levels. Even in this relative isolation the world I almost gave my life up to reaches it's tentacles in, challenging my recovery. All in one day, one event after another, I get news my dog has been placed in a new home, news concerning my children, and someone plans on stealing my camper. I beat the anxiety! Part of my harvest is this environment where the people don't just make you watch videos about coping mechanisms and mindfulness yet don't practice themselves. They are the real-reals. I don't know why that manner of speaking I heard in the movie "Cloud Atlas" popped into my head. Matching energies I would imagine. 

     I have also harvested a loyalty and support from what I would have imagined unlikely sources. And yet, here I am, with someone to watch my back while I seek to perceive and receive a state of being that will serve me for what comes in front of me in the days to come.  

     I realize how I have perceived myself a victim to my conscience. I know it had roots in a childhood where accurate intuition was met with violent rebuttal. The pattern had become: I perceive an unhealthy offer, I refuse, I suffer for it. Thus my conscience has been perceived by me as to have betrayed me and I learned to doubt it. That pattern is being unwoven in me now. I am following my intuition and abiding no arguments with it (that strength I would have formerly perceived as hardness comes into play). The initial response to my clear expression may be a lash back. Not intimidating for a few breaths later, support comes in along with better offers and sounder relationships. 

    Another area of growth in strength and clarity is that which responds to those who assert I should feel guilty, in debt, etc; as if I am some huge burden beyond reasonable request to support in MY time of need. I am worth it. Nor will I bow to perceptions that I should feel shame for my "uncharacteristic behavior". I have not done anything worse than any other human being in times of trauma. They're not "better" than me. I was there for them non-judgmentally for their drunken, tripping, high as fuck on I don't know what antics, preserving them from one another's unreasonable drug induced wrath every chance I got. Babysitting my overwhelming would have been a walk in the park next to what I have seen and heard and put up with. Yes, those of us who are normally a source of strength, uplifting, empathic compassion can come crashing down to earth during our journeys as well. It doesn't make us any less of an up lifter or a perpetually having fallen person. It does not mean we have practiced an illusion, been deceitful or never were or will not again be that gift. It solely means we tripped. We didn't respect our own limits. We flew too close to the sun. (Oh, dear Icarus!)

     In this I live up to my given name; Stacey. From the name Anastasia, it means "one who rises again". This is why I am not overly fond of the name; one must fall in order to rise again. I grew so tired, so tired of falling down and being kicked while there and succumbing to that in me which refused to truly give up and die down there. Of course, when up again; expanded and experiencing good things, I am elated by this increased state of being and energy. It is a high no drug or drink can match. I know this, for they have tried 😉 (yeah, I know I tried some of them. But only some of all of them! LOL -throwback inside joke when times were good at a local hang out). 

    That throwback reminds me of last summer. It was a time when we frolicked like brothers and sisters in cool waters and survived a summer as brothers in arms. As I type, "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree" is playing, lol. I was given a record player when I was a child and only ever had one record for it. It was this very song! So, I close with that song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dggAQk5peA