Fear

    I wake this morning full of the aches and symptoms of fear being released, the exhaustion that manifests as a common cold. I wonder why I am suddenly worried about tomorrow, as in winter and heating bills, etc. I reflect on how fear stored in our bodies is like a magnet, drawing fearful experiences, people, places and things. I reflect on how I have learned to welcome those dark evil, hungry things which come in the sight of my third eye. I relax and allow them to just suck any fear ready to be released out of me. For example, if psychically reaching out to a specific neighbor's specific dog, it always snaps at me. So I allow it to psychically latch onto the back of my neck or my throat and tear out any "infection" that has come out from the core of my body and is awaiting release at the top of the spine or in my voice box, neck glands, etc. Darkness becomes one's servant at times like these.
  Then I realize the thoughts of worry are gifts to trigger the release of fear in me, so I do not feel the fear while focusing on thoughts of tomorrow, which would project that energy into tomorrow but rather allow the feelings to initiate the release, which for me comes in the form of crying and imagine the darkness of that fear just spilling out into a pool on the ground in the here and now. Maybe I could send them back in time from where they came, but I would have to know the original source of that particular pocket of fear. And then it comes to me: the source of the initial greatest fear I ever experienced: looking upon the great pool of darkness, of lack of understanding, in the world around me, in the world in general as I first glanced upon it. I felt the hopelessness of even beginning to wonder how it could be penetrated, intimidated by all the avenues and rabbit holes and tunnels and mazes it creates. But I know how to get understanding out of the darkness now. Wonder about something, ask the question in my heart and mind and just wait, let it go and allow the answer to come in.
  For example the Lilith question. I let that go the last evening I thought about it. While explaining something else, pop! there it was as a part of it. She is one of the wives of God, Adam having ben intended to be a vessel for God amongst men, Lilith then would have been in that manner a wife of God but a wife of Adam as well. And in Spirit incest is not a problem as higher level spirits are full of potential and thus a mating can produce any number of variables, healthier understandings. And it occurs to me in this moment: that is exactly what each of is: the manifestation of an understanding or rather the manifestation of a particular state of understanding.
  So, in the human gene pool so deep in darkness, with such limited understanding, the potentials for states of understanding are so limited they become corrupt/sick/deformed states of understanding and incest thus produces offspring barely able to survive, hardly alive. When man originated, the potentials were so great for the various states of understanding that incest could produce plenty of viable states of understanding. And yes, as one increases their understanding, comes up out of the darkness, cleansing the darkness from the entire family history stored in their blood, thus their gene pool, the potential states of understanding they could produce are more unlimited and children are born healthier, more viable, more alive with growth potential. Then again at the top, the highest level of understanding is limited in how high it can go and can produce only children of lesser understanding, so unless one wants children with less potential than they, the stop bearing children. And why Gods may have feared their offspring's potential for becoming greater than they: if Source is unlimited, the unlimited potential of higher level spirits in touch with source would produce children in touch with source who could expand into even higher awareness than their parents.....if the parents were to believe they themselves were limited to their immediate state of being/understanding. So, the lowest form and state of understanding within creation has the creates potential for change whereas the highest has the least potential for change except to lose understanding. And this is only so if the levels of understanding are limited. That bears the question: is this so? and we let it go and allow the answer to come in.......
  If the states of understanding/states of being are upwardly unlimited, then so it the potential for more and more children unlimited ;) Also explains why "opposites attract" and the potential for happiness and fertility increases. This would be one aspect of why the oldest child may be most rigid in their thinking as they are the release of a lowest state of consciousness for two parents and the youngest can be the most enlightened and loving as the consiousnesses of the parents has continued to be raised through their interactions. But anything could change that such as trauma that lowers the consciousness of a parents or something. No hard or fast rules of what MUST happen guarantee anything.
  God's own fear as He imagined what a child greater than Him could do to him created the potential for such a child and His refusal to release that fear, instead relying on reason and possible actions he could take to prevent it, guaranteed the experience was drawn to Him........bringing those like me into existence. And so I must let go of the fear: now that He knows this, could I suddenly blink out of existence as punishment for existing? For against Him I have no intention.  but His fear may just make me a vessel of vengeance as he draws that experience to Him.....though I do not have ot be, He could be the source of His own destruction should one such as me release all fear surrounding such imaginations. And so we release the fear of even "going there" in our thinking.
  I guess if one is going to stop the chain of abuse, the cycle of fear, anger and dysfunction, one must address and release the fears of one's WHOLE family. Past, present and future. And so one welcomes the idea of children of higher consciousness willing to help by taking their own journeys to help in such an undertaking and releases the fear that they might be unwilling and instead perpetuate it.
  And I marvel and struggle with how they must really want me to hurry through this for some wild and crazy reason, to avoid something big that is coming. I can't get a day off from this and I am soooo ready, soooo exhausted. And of course I care about the rest of humanity, but sheesh, I am but one woman and I am but exhausted. But I see the wind blowing, I hear the news stories. Flooding, tornadoes, volcanos.....The darkness in humanity is definitely drawing something truly big and scary. And release the fear that a sudden stop and clearing of absolutely everything could never be a possibility while the fear for them of such happenings comes into me.
  Then the remembrance of the statement "I will cut those days short" and it hits me that time IS limited for me to bring in this consciousness that is trying to be birthed within me. And I begin to labor and to breath, like a woman in labor my body is doing it despite me, feel helpless for a moment before it and then I remember: I just have to allow it. I can dance and sing and allow it to come into me....
  So I dance and I sing in whichever way is needed, I sense the flowing in of energies and consciousness, of observers who fear me, men who have been the standard for highest consciousness previously set, according to their beliefs. When I sense my dance and song are complete, I sit and comb out the tail of a pony. The thought hits me: I am entering a consciousness greater than that which I was born in. I feel a moment of shifting, as if the whole world has just rocked and swayed on it's feet. And now a sense of maturity I have had glimpses of recently.
  Over excitement in little ones can be resistance as they lift themselves up above into higher vibration so the new level of consciousness cannot reach them...a method of avoidance. Or just ignorance. Inexperience. Discomfort. Fear it is punishment/injustice. And children have their own fears and methods of intimidation as their upper handedness is threatened a a parent becomes enlightened. Then they allow for that enlightenment, accept it and become dismayed once again as their parents soars even higher than them: look what happened at the highest levels of consciousness, in our forefathers in spirit. And the doubt that a consciousness can exist where nothing bad ever happens comes in and we allow it because for us it simply hasn't existed and we cannot imagine it, so we let our fear of it bring it in. We allow uncertainty in.
  At one point recently when body was so full of heat from changing, I understood how spontaneous combustion could be a potential problem. Then this morning as I felt the exhaustion of my body, I realized it really can't always keep up with everything we are doing. Now I realize that some of this consciousness may just have to be stored up within me temporarily (though not too long or it would become corrupted) as we allow a consistent flow of outward bound energies and understandings to happen from within the body. I know something like surgery wouldn't be helpful except in an emergency because it would simply just manifest elsewhere in the body. That is what happened with my teeth. The infected ones were pulled and all of a sudden all the rest that had been healthy all along started decaying. Swapped one problem for a bigger one. But that infection was heading to my brain and now, my teeth are beginning to heal. Which, to me is amazing because I had heard the teeth were the most difficult to heal, restore and regrow. Yet that is one of the first things coming or being given me. And, I am smiling.
  Today I let go of the pain of suffering, of having been cold and hungry, of not having the things that make my heart sing, of not allowing my heart to sing. A reminder received today about "security", not to purchase those things we believe we need to protect our security like anti-virus protection, lol. Independence. More money coming. I dance with these things, dancing away the pain and suffering, the fear and anxiety and dancing in taking things seriously like not just "going with the flow" of needing security without being rebellious about it.
 Allowing shopping to teach me about my habits, fears and anxieties, how and where I spend my money showing where and how I invest my energy.
  Learned that no resistance and no resonance= no need. No need to do what is presented, offered, suggested.

An Understanding Most Ain't Gonna Wana Hear

 But for those who already know it, it might help them believe and stop allowing themselves to be overcome by guilt and fear of doubt and disbelief.

"Then in comes an understanding: everything we do to make other people more comfortable, even in employment like locking up when we leave is bowing down to fear, serving and worshipping "Satan". From insurance to registration, social security numbering, which side of the road we are walking...all serving fear and "Satan". Now think of the implications if we were to refuse to do that any longer, what our lives would be if this system were to continue.....we would be driving unregistered and uninsured vehicles where ever and however inspiration dictated, making the entire world around us uncomfortable if they were to become aware of it. Yet all the worry about having to do such a thing is in it's self taxing, too taxing for a body to handle safely."

Woman Waking

  As I wake this morning, I remember to note that just as he must stop turning to "mommy", she must stop turning to "daddy". They work together to practice their new found skills,the guiding principles of maturity. And the woman begins to make the emotional journey through sadness and fear. I have told the story of the nature sprite, so innocent, naive and brave who saw the illness and conflict of her family of heaven and those who had fallen. The little one who felt all their suffering and pain and vowed to do whatever it would take ot bring an end to it. So, over the cliff she jumped into the incarnational pool of darkness. Unbeknownst to her, she did not jump alone for her father, mother, brother, the evil brother and his evil mother all followed, none of them feeling safe about her going alone. The father for his sometimes dysfunctional attachment and sense of loss he would feel without her. The mother for distrust of the father and some little love for daughter that often became tainted by jealousy. The little brother who saw himself as her protector who loved her dearly and passionately but could be self-righteous and boastful. The evil oldest brother with the overblown sense of righteousness and disdain for humanity. His own mother who is the Litlith figure, concubine, second wife of the father, the king. The evil brother and mother would not let her go without them because they knew for some reason miraculous things just alwas sort of unexplainedly happened for this child. With her will alone she could move mountains and in her were locked the secrets of how. No, they could not let her alone, could not trust it she was naively always a threat to them.
      She was the first to jump and last to wake, refusing to come out until she had covered every little detail, even when hopelessly surrounded, she refused to come up, not allowing herself or others to allow her to miss one single dot, tittle, jot or bit. She would have a spotless house, every little corner swept, and all she needed or she would die doing it. But in their journey they took this human woman. Who has, yes, been priviledged to share the story of the very great spirit journey. And not out of self pity, but out of fear and sadness I wonder what will beomce of me? I suffered that the father would allow my children would be taken that I might empathize and have compassion for his perspective there inthe garden of eden where his children were stolen and misled. My human experience used as a living reflection of their issues, battles, manipulations and strife. Yes, it has been joyous being as one with them, who have been since time began, to feel their feelings and learn all the secrets they have learned on their journey. And yes, my soul is lifted. And yes, I remember the lessons and teachings and know it will go with me. But I must make the emotional journey through abandonment in the ruins of a normal human life whose potentials were destroyed by them. A mother without children, hated, distrusted by them. A shamed woman who had 6 children by six different men due to some insane soul agreement concerning this matter. Absolute poverty and deprivation, near death due to starvation for a destroyed digestive system, nerve damage and overscarred uterous due to 5 c-sections, PTSD as I relive the memories they created for me so they could expereince in me what they needed to experience. The suffering I suffered when I simply refused to cooperate with it, knowing in my heart of hearts that somehow things had gone way too far, surviving on the sneaked in tidbits from Grandmother, the Great Source, the Dance and beggining of all things as she let it all happen so they could learn their lessons but did try to look out for me, sharing with me secrets she would not even let them know. Indeed, what is to happen to such a woman as me who has been the fool, allowing her life to become the physical illustration, letting their voices be heard as if they were me speaking, looking absolutely crazy to family, community and those who might could have been friends to me. And what of my children who could have optherwise grown up with a strong, independent capable mother to love and guide them instead of themselves taking on abandonment, abuses and PTSD? And my two grandchildren, one abandoned and the other emotionally tortured? What of their destiny as the canon fodder of creation? I have shared the message with the people, given them what they need at the risk of greeat embarrassment and even more hardship. I have made the emotionally journey through this fear and sadness and anxity about possible abandonment and I breathe. What will be will be. Resilient I am reminded to speak.

I Have Completed My Journey

    I return to a heavenly presence. A Crown is placed upon my head. In my hands is placed the tree given birth to within me and now given back to me to develop and grow and expand within me. The body and the woman are free. I am handed a scepter, holding it awkwardly, I don't want to rule anything. I am wrapped in a robe, I am cherished. We dance the dance of the free though we are not certain what exactly that means. I seek out his presence and he is with me. He will continue in his journey, always a step behind me, I always move forward without him. What will be will be and in the meantime, we dance the dance of the free.

 

It is an emotional journey of acceptance of being at the end of my journey, the emotional release of relief and awaiting fulfillment of promises. I am not finished crying. I am not finished healing. These things will come naturally, the fears coming and going, the uncertainty coming and being released in me. It is an emotional journey we are making.

And of course, this is just another beginning.........

 

I feel around about me, I sense these things following: the entire apartment next to me we have access to through the closet, representative of the space within me set aside to remain wide open, full of potential for gathering, running and playing, eating, living space for the children in me already existing. I sense the room that is recently cleared out. Full of potential problems if not used immediately. The perfect place for a child, a room full of white linen and draperies, a beautiful and perfect child draped wrapped in white linen. A room in which she can grow to maturity and eternally dwell in. Time for me to become physically infertile. Time to retire the ovaries, the uterus and potential for children. Time to begin a life of freedom as a fully mature and grown woman. ( a little while later: getting a clue here I am now-this part is just an emotional journey I am asked to take for the moment to dispel a potential that might prevent what is to come from happening) 

 I check on him again, he who is left behind once again and as usual, he leaps through the closing door unable to bear the thought of life for me without him. He IS given to jealousy ;)

And my life flashes before me, all those moments I was too busy to process, letting them sink in and hit me so that their storm clouds may pass through me. The death of a friend, so young and vibrant. Seeing his body, an empty shell, emaciated from being in a comma, a comatose shell of a human being abandoned. A warm hand on mine providing comfort, when no human being was present to do it. All the opportunities to really feel and experience these things happening. Do I feel regret for missing them?  a bit but not really for now I am present and take care of them. I can finish it all now that I can rest and really be with them. Now that I know I can be fearless, safe and happy. I can allow in the sadness. Past potentials, I can let go of them. They are the bad things that could still happen if I do not now take care of them. So, I begin processing. There is responsibility at the end of the journey. But there are always moments of grace if it gets to be too much for me. And of course the corrupted versions of everything try to come in and attach themselves to them. I move through things too quickly and do not fear their presence so there is no opportunity. There is SOME benefit to being tired to bother, lol. Simply not interested is better,  imo. But in the spirit of taking things seriously, as spirit suggested using him, they just have no hold on me for if it were simple exhaustion, they would have conquered me or come again.

 

And today I saw in the clouds a small baby elephant, all puffy cheeked and happy. I wonder what this means to me for I never have seen things in the clouds as I remember it.

 

 

 

The whole irony of the white man vs Native American thing is this: the very first people indigenous to this continent were Caucasian who were then invaded by Asians. The "white man" patriarchal system and way of thinking came from Africa, Asia and the Middle East. The Daughters of the Dance are Caucasian in nature and appearance but not of the spirit or mentality associated with Caucasian man whose spirits were overtaken by the patriarchal way of thinking. So, patriarchy is not native to white men and white man is the first to have been "native" to North America.

 And so long before the Spanish invasion and "discovery of the new world", Native Americans had already become "the rainbow children" genetically. What the Rainbow Children really refers to, is the ability of the children of the rainbow to dance within all the dimensions at any given moment. Each color of the rainbow signifies a dimension of existence. So the Rainbow Tribe is the tribe of children who walk inter-dimensionally, and most of them happen to be Caucasians who are casting off and rebelling against the patriarchal system.
And if one notices ancient religions, those who reflected a more equal relationship closest to matriarchy where the Caucasians of places like France and Norway. The god and goddess archetypes overcome by Middle Eastern and Asian patriarchy. The paleolithic ancestors of the Greeks, Romans, Celts, and Norse peoples were all goddess worshipers. To sum it up, the matrilineal heritage of which the Native American is so fond of is from their Caucasian paleolithic ancestors.

RFLMAO, the elephant's appearance in clouds today is indeed appropriate:
http://spiritlodge.yuku.com/topic/999#.Uav9NyAo6P8

 

 

 

 

Now I am getting something about the descendants of Lilith who was tortured by Adam and intellect vs.. sons and daughters of Eve who were innocent and clean-born of her own innocence.

Changing Potentials

    I made two choices yesterday not knowing ahead of time what they would mean or why they were important. One was to clean out all the stuff that has been taking up an entire bedroom in my home. It did not belong to me and so I never would have presumed to touch it. I have been told to keep it protected, keep my doors locked so no one would steal it and implying certain people could not come into my home because they were the potentials thieves if I let them they would have access to the things being with held from them, things I guess I might include items belonging to them to begin with. I cried before I did this. It is not my nature to forcefully go against anyone or anything. One, it creates hard feelings from that person and two, it brings trouble on me because they choose to have hard feelings against me. And I just don't like to. Period. I am not a pusher or shover, I am a child who probably wants to stay a child because she sees what being an adult is all about in THIS world.....but a new world is coming, we are bringing it in and so we must establish it ourselves by being the adults we do not want our children too afraid of becoming. So, I used the physical force of moving what does not belong to me out of my realm of responsibility where it did not belong in the first place. Because I had first cried out my resistance to taking such action before doing it, as I did it I realized just why it was appropriate that I did do it. The underlying principles which made the existence of that situation so inappropriate became apparent. Not just being responsible for someone else's responsibilities but what kind of mother puts her child and grandchild to live in such circumstances?! My mother is evil to have thought she was correct to do any of this to her children. And when I think of how she had already done it to my sister then had the nerve to evict her so that my sister and all her possessions sat out in the rain.....I am in mourning. She introduces an idea as a mother doing something for her children and then makes the demands of a lord of the land over them instead, denying her being their parent. God is not allowing me to allow her to deny her parenthood and her responsibilities as a parent. We became what we became because of her parenting. I am becoming what I am becoming despite it. Whatever her reaction is when she realizes what I have done...and I cried the pain I would feel if bad things happened to me because she might react badly....and then I realized I was making it unnecessary for me to have to experience the bad results of such an action because I was experiencing it emotionally already. I was changing the potentials with my crying over what has not yet happened. We are given experiences so we will grow, it is an experience I won't have to have because I have already had it. And people used to call me crybaby, be critical of my crying over things that could happen and then marvel at how I would cry so deeply and then when it was cried out I would be bouncing up within myself as if nothing untoward had ever happened to me ever. It was because I had put the experiences behind me and I was free of ever having to live them.
    Another thing flowed into my reflections of this as I checked to see how the principles underlying this incident could be applied to my inner house, the universe around me, an awareness that a Mother would not leave ne room in the house she has given her children full of discarded items. So, our entire earth will be cleansed, with no evil spirits lurking in any corners. Like my mother's stuff, she may have had intentions of selling them, storing them elsewhere, doing something else with them, but instead they just sat there becoming ruined by age, mildew, dust and spiders and so they are unfit for anything but trash now. So it is with the evil that has been lingering and the potentials that might have been planned for it. All houses will be cleaned and dwelling in clean heavens and "hells".
   The other choice I made involved a man. I made my desire to have him become my mate be known to him. This I normally would never have done. Number one, I have never had to. sheesh, I am a good looking woman, men ask me out. I never had to make a first move. So, for once I experienced what it might be like for a man to ask a woman to marry him. Wow, what they go through! lol And considering they are trained not to make emotional journeys through things, wow, how much harder it must be still! Not allowed to cry, never mind not allowed to cry about something that never even happened to other people's minds, lol. Yeah, OK, so back to my journey through this thing. Number two, this man is a poor choice. He is not emotionally divorced from his ex wife, his community, his youth, etc. But, I cried out my resistance to doing such a "foolish thing", knew in my heart that if he did accept I do and would love him despite everything but angry at what my heart my go through being with a man who really could never be faithful. So, I did that. Then this morning I cried about how it would feel if he rejected me. I imagined what kind of ritual could be done to help him divorce his past and then realized I was doing the same thing.....changing potentials with each passing moment. I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like to live in endless bliss white a man. I fear the idea of it. It is a concept I am unfamiliar with as I have never experienced anything like it: to dwell in a sense of security endlessly. Does this actually happen to people? So, disappointment I can emotionally journey through on my own without anything happening, but fulfillment of something beautiful, unending drawn to me by my sheer and terror of the potential of experiencing it....oh you know the universe is moving to provide me this experience! lol I mean, how does one act when so happy? How do couples interact when they happily at peace with one another and know they have nothing to fear in it, that nothing will ever destroy it? How does it happen? It happens as it is happening, as I change the potentials both he and I might have to experience to get there. I divorce him from his past family and community, etc. I liberate him so that he may join with me.
  Interesting to say the least. And to imagine, something in me as child always knew to allow this to happen, went through this process so natural and creative and productive while everyone around me looked on like I was crazy. harrumph! Girl knew what she was doing. lol
  So allow myself to experience the emotional journey through many things. What if my mother does kick me out? How often has that happened! Humiliation, degradation, been there already. There will never come a time I will be OK with many things that have happened ot me: losing my children, healing a man only have him choose another over me. And so I can cry real tears, feel real emotions to make this journey through these bad potentials happening. And so time speeds up as I have all these experience sin a single day, in a single moment, allowing them flow past me....crying like the child I was always meant to be and letting go of not living it, not being me. And I thought I was tired yesterday.....lol so resilient.
  And so now the mind, the little boy with the cigarettes understands why the little girl, my emotions, did what she did, how she in her own naturally given ways even protected him from bad things happening. That is a sort of indigenous practice, isn't it. When a child leaves the home for any reason: to marry or go off to war, the women sit and mourn the loss of them before any real loss happens.....the Mother's children had this gift given to them all along. It was that which they could not fathom, could not emotionally journey through due to lack of experience of it which happened to them. And that is why things we do not expect or think could ever happen come upon us unexpectedly seemingly out of the blue. That which we believe we are most immune against are what get us in the end. And so those who are young and believe they could never die, would never have to face it must face it in the end or allow it to happen to them emotionally before they can gain life everlasting or death is suddenly upon them when they least expect it. This is why confident predictions are always undermined. So expect the unexpected and the unexpected never happens, prepare for the worst and hope for the best to happen. So we let our imagination feed us pictures of what could happen and we allow them to happen emotionally and we make our journey through time and circumstances.
  This is why emotional honesty is so critical: if we lie to ourselves about how things will affect us and assume this makes us impervious to it happening, we are achieving exactly the opposite. And if we journey with others emotionally through their experiences, we do not have to have them.
  They used to say I took things too seriously, emotionally responding to every potential presented...and yet was I not thus taking my future seriously? Living it out before it even happened? So, yes, take everything around us seriously. It is all real and it is all happening. We do not need to be afraid to let it all in, little by little, living through all the various potentials that are happening to others because it absolutely could be to us they begin happening if we do NOT take them seriously.
  And if we are given assurance of something, an inner knowledge that something will happen...allow the belief that challenges it to come in and allow yourself to emotionally experience the opposite. Take the ridicule and feel ridiculous and then the ridiculous never has to happen or that which others view as ridiculous to believe could happen will indeed become for us a reality, we succeed where other people fail simply by accepting that yes indeed we could fail and yes indeed it would devastate us to have failed in it. It is only when we allow in the believe that we could fail and then give up trying that we never succeed at anything we are wanting. So, what if we are never to truly become sovereign? Are always being reminded by the universe that we are dependent on food and things from Mother, always subject to traumatic events so good could come of it? What if our children never grown up and learn their lessons? And what is it to us to take a day to cry like a child to ensure none of this ever happens? What is it to us to just let us get depressed for a moment to avoid a life full of depression? To allow in the potential that we just might not live a life where anything good can happen? and not let our mind talk us out of it......
  So let yourself be a "drama queen" in your own imagination, who has to even know it? Take a day in isolation to cry out all the potentials, who has ot see it? And what if they did see it, did know you were truly a drama queen in your imagination and that you cry in private when no one is watching? What if you were truly never alone and demons see you and reveal it other people who then come and mock you for it? Let your imagination run away with me, what if I am not real and full of shit? What if you should never have believed a word I am saying because I am nothing but a fraud and a fake and a con artist? What if God is not real and there is no such thing as being "chosen"? What if there is no return of some White Buffalo Calf Peace-pipe Woman? What if mankind never learns to live peacefully? What if I am nothing but deceitful? Wouldn't that be horrible? Wouldn't that be evil? Wouldn't that make you just another victim of another charlatan come to seduce and make a fool of the people? What if it is taken from me and given to my children? What if it is true what people are saying? What if I am really crazy?
  So what if we are gullible once in a while; we believe a threat could happen and then have it pointed out why it couldn't and they laugh....well, guess what? Because I made the emotional journey through your "unrealistic" threat, it became unnecessary for me to experience it while you have drawn that impossible experience to you by denying your fear of it actually happening, the fear you would feel if it did happen and because you did it in a spirit of meanness. So YOU get real. ;)
  As the day progresses a thought comes to mind, an inspiration: what f we could just work this stuff out in our sleep? What if we could just release our bodies from this process, heal them and set them free to be healthy and resolve all that needs resolving in our sleep? Now we know how it happens, that one person can be incredibly blessed, the "science" behind such madness, such insanity as a life full of perfection despite a complete ignorance to any "knowledge" supposedly known to any white man, prophet, poet, scholar, or "master", magician, or spirit with all their methods and practices and traditions....what if it all just "magically" happens for the innocent? And not only is this sane and just but righteous....Does that make me a dream walker? And what does that mean exactly?
    I am reminded how I was always like that as a child, so resilient, and even again as an adult when I was given to embrace my innocence: I would go to sleep with things weighing on my mind heavily, sleep peacefully, unmoving and wake refreshed full of insights and answers to my problems, everything working out perfectly.

The Little Boy with the Cigarettes

This morning's first sight upon awaking is in vision the sight of a little boy bringing me cigarettes. This little boy is my "son", my inner masculine, the intellect. He is reflected back to me in my physical literal son and I love him dearly, in both forms. My inner son is the one who brought me cigarettes. At 18 years old, I perceived I was a misfit who did not fit in with other misfits because I was pretty, smart and came from a home with money. The things which usually cause other people to be misfits did not plague me. I was a misfit because of my inner being, my inner wholeness, my ability to perceive the imbalance and lack of wholeness exhibited in those around me. I felt the land, the trees, the love, pain and joy and in absolutely everything. I carried wihtin me the feelings of guilt of a Great Creator who saw the cause of everything in the world that was bad, ugly and caused pain was it's fault. I truly felt I was ot blame for everything and yet a part of me knew and understood it I was crying the tears of one who was not this human being walking the earth and so I would cry the tears of my Creator and I would get up and play carefree as any child. But this made me so odd and different from anyone else. They wuld react to my crying, it would frighten them. They would reassure me I wasn't to blame for anything, how could I think that? and so I was ridiculed for this great pain I would carry inside me at times. I began to shut him out, how could a Great Creator dump that on a child? What kind of "man" would do this? And yet, I could handle this until it would drive me to do things I did not want to do. I have a limitless capacity to channel emotions that do not belong to me, process them, to heal them, resolve the conflict they cause, etc. That is one aspect I have been working with my physical son on: he is to take responsibility for his own emotions, allow himself to feel them, know whwere they are coming from, not allow himself to be afraid they will overcome them and to use his head to not project them at others. When this is established, when this is accomplished, THEN I hug and hold and console him and justify them with my heart, my hands and my words.
   I have noticed this about women: we take on the emotions of our men. Literally, we take those emotions into ourselves. "I don't know why I am crying" a woman will say. She is crying because someone who is joined to her energetically needs ot cry but is not, so she is doing the crying for them. And the them is usually the man she is joined with. Boys learn this early, the thing women do not know about themselves. They can use their own emotions, their own fear of abandonment, project them into a woman who only knows she is feeling intense fear at the idea of a breakup. The man then his intellect to overcome, "out think", the woman now overwhelmed by HIS OWN emotions.
   But my intellect, my inner little son brought me cigarettes so I could have a reason to hang out with the other misfits who would normally by intimidated by my presence. And this has worked in our favor ever since. Stepping out to have a smoke has provided plenty of opportunity to initiate conversations and extend healing to those who are "singled out", having to step out to have a ciggarette and who usually smoke for the usual reasons people have addictions. But there are many things that inner little boy comes up with that are not appropriate, like "just have a drink with them". Sure, but there are certain people you don't want to drink with, whose perception of your drinking would be innapropriate. There are those it is not safe to drink with.
  My inner son has a lot of pain we have been holding in. So bright and quick, those around us who were intimidated by it would canstantly try to catch us off guard and try to make us feel stupid with tricks, ridicule, intimidation by being vague, unclear, riddleling, implying deception where there wasn't, etc. Anything anyone could do to try to make me disbelieve and distrust my own mind and intellect was used against me. And alot of it worked....temporarily. But that was one of the things I picked up on early on, why it would not be good for my physical son's father to raise him. My son was already demonstrating a very high intellect. His father is always intimidated by a high intellect and being abusive in nature will ridicule it and employ any of the above against it. I saw my son's emotional and intellectual developement would only be handicapped if he was raised by his father.
  One of the hardest things ever and the most lonely is having to raise my inner son on my own. There was no example to follow. We have had to grow up ourselves, do ur own fathering with no example to follow, no support in this process because there was no one who would want it to be successful: it is an intimidating prospect to those feeling inadequate. And who doesn't? Men used their intellect as described above and women used theirs to undermine men, manipulate them into getting what tehy wanted and in doing the same ot eachother. Because women feel so helpless in most respects, they resort to subtleties and subterfuge to get resources. A man, in the eyes of most women is a resource; the typical source of bread and butter in a patriarchal culture. So, men are competed for and it IS a life and death matter. If a woman has a man she will be extremely rpotective of her claim on him or who will feed her children? When pregnant and feeling awkward, weighed down by a pregnancy, that is when a woman who is normally strong will suddenly feel vulnerable. A woman who is usually self-sufficient will become aware that suddenly she CAN'T do everything for herself.....or is that, too simply a perception? ;) Except for a single 24 hours of recovery, a woman can begin getting up and around and doing what needs doing if her pregnancy and delivery have had no problems. And she has probably worked right up to the point of labor, hauling wood, cooking, taking care of other children. Pregnancy, the pure joy of it can be so invigorating a woman can be tireless during one.
  So, my stomach problems are as much about my inner son as my physical one. I have to release my inner son's pain of rejection not only by others but of what it perceives of by me. For there are times I WOULD shut it out. It is OK and even neccessary to feel emotion without thinking about it once we learn how not to take on the emotions of the poeple around us. We can feel our emotions, dance with them, express them, BE with them all by ourselves without thinking about it, being critical of their existence. We can allow and accept them. They won't hurt us or anyone else. They won't even hurt us physically unless we resist them. Not even fear will kill us if aren't afraid of it, resist it. And I am sure the insights here will keep coming but as I observe my literal physical male child I am proud of how far my inner son and I have come in parenting ourselves. My physical son will defend everything about me. He will jump in front of a full grown man and begin shouting at him is he is a threat to me in any way or another. He gets angry when I make him responsible for his own emotions and shuts me out for a moment when I hold him to it, but he rebounds quickly; jumping on me, hugging and kissing me. He gets excited as I empower him in this way rather than the way I used to empower men. I used ot do it like any woman did: if he is feeling weak, shore him up,love him, give him everything he needs to feel up to the task andonce we are drained, and he has taken everything he has from us: he stomps us with it. Yup, we just got crushed by our own will, love, affection, confidence, strength and mightiness. Wegave it all to the man and he used it against us. Because we let him. That is why we women must shore up our own inner little men. Be discerning who we join up with energetically (no one in a permanant, constant connection from which they can feed off us), when and how we do this. Healthy boundaries are important and life-sustaining, not just for ourselves but for everyone else around us. When we are all responsible for our own emotions, acting sovereign, THEN it can be discerned what nature or form of relationship is approriate between two entities. We avoid becoming involved in enegetically imbalanced relationships that end up being abuser-victim relationships where even the victim IS an abuser because they are a drain, dependent upon the abuser for self-worth, identity, etc. All unhealthy relationships are mutually abusive, we simply don't realize how this is. And while the normally designated abuser is the more abusive because of their intent and overt harm, victims must come to acknowledge their own responsibilty for a relationship once they come to realize it.
  Oh, another trick the masculine likes ot use is to demonstrate a bit of emotion to gain trust that they ar ein touch with their own emotions, or their emotions, too, or to convince us of their sincereity and then slowly "slip us a mickey" with their intellect, making us feel responsible for their emotions or spiritual condition. But I do love my inner masculine, it has kept me sane, as much as has the feminine, in a world that would have otherwise overwhelmed me while I tok on the burden of a Great Spirit's emotions. How many end up crazy and killing themselves at my level of awareness? How many could never hold a functional relationship, instead becoming hermits? Am I not mighty? Am I not great? Indeed, we just might be. And no, we do not worry about an egho becoming over-inflated. We love people and do not feel intimidated by them, perceive a need ot be greater than they. We want them to be as independent and sovereign and self-sufficient as they can possibly be for all eternity.
  Native peoples have long known and understood Brother Tobbacco teaches us to stop and breath, to think prayerfully or reflectively. He owuld never harm us unless we came into a dysfunction, abusive relationship with him. If we become dependent upon him, he will abuse us. It's natural knee-jerk reaction, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, immature untrained reflexive action. Or maybe as a big brother, he does discipline us by making us sick if we overuse, abuse him? Possible, I think. So, we learn to be prayerfully reflective even when we aren't smoking. We learn to breath through conflict, self-doubt, pain and suffering. We laern to walk without him and then invite him back in to share in the joy of unity within ourselves and our Creator.
   The journey of healing and bringing together in a state of wholeness and unity my inner masculine and feminine has been quite the journey. One weakness in it is that I readily and easily give it all away freely, why should they not have it? I thinkk and believe. Because they take it for granted. I have seen healing be instantaneous. they get up and return to previous ways of living. So, Spirit shows me and my intellect people must be healed slowly, gradually, to be allowed to see and perceived the cause and effect of everyting, to be responsible for themselves and their condition as well as that of those around them. We ARE all interconnected, but we cannot heal oneanother until we first heal ourselves individually and that means first healing each inner aspect individually. Once our inner aspects are independently whole and healthy, we can bring them together in unity. As they come together in unity we can them help others achieve these same things. While we pick up on it energetically BECAUSE we are all interconnected and healing CAN be instantaneous, contagious, "controls" are put into place to prevent this....such as moving me far away from people I am positively affecting too quickly, lol. Oh, how I had a hard time coming to grasp THIS prblem. "What do you mean I am a danger to them?!". I was a danger to their developement in that, yes some would begin to change too fast so that thei rheads would begin to explode while others would change to fast and freely, not getting the benefit of being able ot leaqrn to take responsibilyt for thei rcondition, taking me and it for granted. So, now we know. Now we know how to put up prper boundaries, where, when and how they are appropriate, and how to bring people up slowly, causing just enough of anything needed as a spark toward their developement. Spirit did it to me, it's about time I learned to imitate it, lol. Duh. I DO pick up on things rather quickly once I get the feel of it, understand and accept it as appropriate, see it's benefits. But I odn't know is 43 years delayed dvelopment? Maybe. But, hey, who cares, I am learning and comparing would make me a dependent, definately not sovereign, and even the victim form of abusive to fellow humanity who might be on this journey to enlightenment. I do get the feeling, some are, however impressed with me.....;)
  And how ironic that the one source for an example, for guidence, I believed (as would any other) to turn to, our Creator was also in need of healing! Does truly leave a human feeling alone and abandoned, facing a task no one else would be up to except for Source of al things: The Dance from which Creator came. And yet so many of us ARE born into perfection, in a state of hwoleness. We take a journey into "death", division, fragmentation, abusivesness, are chosen for it and then are reawakened, quickened, rebirthed as not just perfect but because of our journey through death, with perfect understanding and application of it, the appropriate level of a sense of responsibility to our communities and creation. It is a beautiful thing, really if we can accept and embrace it. There IS the danger of lingering resentment, to know we were consiously worked against and beaten into ignorance, confuse and disoriented on purpose. But our heart's yearning to understand and love all of humanity caused us to agree to it when we were children and believed we could handle it. And as regret is felt as I remember yesterday's illustration of a child drawing a picture on a piece of paper to make it look pretty, the entrapment of the young and innocent. This where our Creator needs OUR forgiveness. And where we learn that even with our Creator, it is righteous, just and healthy to put into place appropriate boundaries against Him. Source is compassionate. The Dance flowing into one form or another, allowing the growth to occur under such conditions, knowing it is neccessary, but easing our journey through it by disciplining Creator and children like Her while "sneaking" in reliefs unexpected, undermining Him when neccessary and us for our own safety from Him. The Dance between us all is intricate. Simple, yet intricate and that is what we come ot be in our maturity. And so The Dance continues to fine-tune me. I am an instrument. I am stringed. My tones can be played deep as striking as a drum can be, or as high, high as any flute. But my notes do not stop abruptly as they do with other instruments, the vibration continues to eminate sound long after I play a tune unless I consciously choose to place a hand upon a string and stop it abruptly. "I am in control of everything", says She. And yet she is not in the least bit controlling. And THAT is what so many have a hard time grasping, the subtleties, the difference between such similar things as these: to be in control while not being controlling. To be strong yet supple rather than stiff and rigid or too easily bent. All our aspects must be able to work together as one chain, one connection, one channel of flowing communication giving and receiving. Allowing all in and seperating into appropriateness. And knowing when it is becoming too vague and in need of resting ;)
     Today I have an inner son to releae and process. To the blessing of the outer one ;)
 I am so happy, indeed!
"There is that which is neccessary and then that which is not neccessarily neccessary but we make neccessary in order to protect the integrity of a thing we are wanting to achieve and is appropriate." This is a Divine Secret She will not be revealing. It is not neccessary for everyone to understand everything and this is an understanding everyone must come to. To accept authority and protect the integrity of the experience wanting to be achieved by each party.
  Indeed, there is more incoming. Last night as I lay down to sleep and sensing the buzz of energy around me, I did what I always do to slip off quietly into a peaceful night's sleep. I reached within for peace wiht my body and then reached for Source with my mind, the picture of it I had been given, had received. Then I heard a buzz cut right above my left brain and realized quickly that connection had just been severed.What on earth just happened? But I have learned not to panic at such things. It is always allowed for a reason and can just be temporary in serving a puropse, in serving me, the human being or at least an apsect of being human. Just now I realize, like so many men in my life who take issue with me, my being correct in my understanding of things and their rebelliousness at having to admit they are wrong about something, they"run to mommy" and tell on me, demand action be taken against me so they don't lose whatever it is they are holding as precious DESPITE their misuse of it. And so I have been robbed of a good many things and have allowed it to pass while I make this journey. I UNDERSTAND their feelings. I HAVE compassion, but it does not mean I should let them get away with these things. And this is why Mother allowed it to happen. For me to come to this realization. To stand up wihtin myself and assert my authority so I might come to know it IS appropriate. And so a "man" has been allowed to rule over my body and withhold from it. But in the grand nature of things, as scripture says "a man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife" and HER family. NEVER should a mother-in-law be a problem. Never should a woman be asked ot leave her family. Matrilineal IS appropriate. It is for HIM to be come into subjection, fo rhis mother to enforce this and his wife to maintain it. It is not a marriage in the common sense, but like the angels in heaven a joining together, himjoining of her to himself in subjection to her. Each independent and responsible for their own actions, emotions and intellectual processes but subject to the laws of nature, the physical, and what is appropriate. She helps him with his emotions only when he is taking responsibility for them. She helps him with working out problems only when he is man enough to ask for it and acknowledge it from her he is getting the solution. I hate that! A man complains he is having a problem. I give him the solution. He balks and ridicules, then when I am not looking, he applies it, boasts of his achievement and never acknowledges where he got it. He takes all the credit. So, I learn not to offer freely and then to use discernment even concerning those who are asking.
  So, the lesson is this: first he must look to me, my welfare, safety, comfort and my connection to Mother. THEN he will have her acceptence. Little boy is feeling rejected. He'll get over it quickly in me. Chanelling the emotion for him.......he really can't do it without me. But once I get it moving, it is given back to him, so he is processing his own  emotions. I have emotions of my own to deal with concerning this. He must come to learn, respect, acknowledge and subject himself/admit her voice is in me. he is coming ot recognize it. The body is like the child caught up in the middle of all this, we must recognize this and acknowledge Her voice in it. And so it is as scriptures says, has prophesied of the end "they will be ruled over by their children" (with the guidence of their grandmother IN the children-the body). And once we become responsible parents, the child is relieved of this innapropriate role it is playing, released by Grandmother (Source) into our care and keeping.
  And sometimes, yes, it could work out for the best for everybody, but examples have to be made so that authority gets acknowledged, even if it is not needed.   So, it is appropriate to acknowledge and give thanks to our Maker, our Creator, so long as we are acknowledging and appreiating there is a Source behind this, behind Him. And it is fine to compliment a man on his life, his achievements so long as he recognizes and acknowledges there is a mother who gave birth to him and a wife who has created his home envirnment, used resources wisely and children who are well behaved and cooperative, making their home and life, their association a valuable contribution to society. O.K. so even after all this he still has to go through her to get to Mother, in honor of all we are learning and he does not mind this happening. Cool beans. Then she realizes as hidden release and relief come in, she needed his acceptence of the situation, not because she needed it or him but because she WANTS him to be a part of this. She enjoys his company and companionship.
  I realize, not only have I been parenting myself, my inner aspects, which is basically parenting a household full of children, but I have also been parenting physical children, in doing all this I have been aprenting spirits and my comunity, worrying about how the hell I am going to feed, clothe and house us, dealing wiht harrassment, opposition, rape, discouragment and who knows what else has been out there I haven't picked up on and someone once had the nerve to ask me: "It's fine that  you're on the street corner with a sign, but where is the yin to your yang? (or the opposite, yang ot yin, whatever) And I was too up to it to even think about "I wake up to this world every morning, I show up here". I didn't really get it nor did I care, I was just not engaging in arguements anymore or trying to justify myself. I do what I dod, did what I did and I am done questioning it. Now that I am a bit more safe and secure and understand so much more of what has been happening, what my life's experiences mean, I can now be irate, with all that I AM doing, who the f*ck is anyone to question whether or not I deserve to eat?! No one has the right or grounds to examine my worthiness to receive ANYTHING in the way of need OR luxury. I am doing the work a God Almighty should have been doing. You had better f*cking give me what I need and even those things I might be wanting. It's not like I want anything big or more than anyone else is having, I don't even want what everyone else is having. I have only ever wanted so very few things. And of these I AM deserving. O.K. in all honesty, maybe what I want is simply what is mine by right and it just HAPPENS to be that what is mine by right is a bit more than what someone else might be getting, but that is not my fault. We have to come to accept at times that this is the result of the roll of the dice, the alignment of moon and stars that made me a Pisces, the genes, everything that makes me me is something that had to happen to somebody, somebody had to be me. And yet even with all that being given, a free gift, a result of circumstances, there comes a point where we are given a will of our own and we choose ot be all we are made to be. And the choosing to be all this, despite all it's hardships and struggles through which others would not have gotten up in the morning, there stands me. Right in those cross roads making my own decision: forward I will go, even if it means being all alone. And that is what makes me worthy and deserving. That is why I will be receiving what I will be receiving. And a big part of that was me accepting anything in return for what I am doing. So, I give others by giving to myself and allowing them to give to me.
  I am a direct descendent of a daughter of the Dance. My essence and thus my destiny is peacefulness. thus it is so with my children, no matter where their journey takes them. But this is not true of everybody and that, too needs ot be respected. Divisions are placed to protect one from the other, for they need protection from your need for peace just as you need protection from their discontent.
  And BTW, a man CAN be emotionally and intellectually independent and self sufficient. But a body was meant for enjoying sensation. Skin was made to feel carresses. These are gifts meant to be shared, even though not neccessary, to fulfill intent, for appreciation and acknowledgement of where they come.
  So, if you are a man who read where I wrote that a man needs a woman and got fed up wiht hearing that-maybe your being fed up is what you needed to become in order for you to get over being insecure about not needing a woman. And then add to it that maybe the only reason such a man would only run into women who are "crazy", clingy and needy, a burden until he understands his gifts, the ones given him were meant to be shared and he should be willingly sharing them once in a while at least. Then he is given a self-sufficient woman who is not a burden to share with. Then they must realize their obligation to share their bliss wiht their community, willingly. Until then harrassment may come to their property, to draw them out into their community. Harrassment may be a young one needing the challenge to their belief such bliss does not exist, but by this point you wold be able to recognize that this is what is happening and not be intimidated or annoyed by it. And at just such a point, you and that woman no longer need being seperated by distance ;)

East Star Rising, a bit of what that means

The East Star Rises heralding a second coming, the bull gives way to the woman in the hearts of men.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega", he is the bull and the cross, the first and last symbols of the Jewish alphabet. "It will be taken from you and given to another", the Israelites are told in prophesy by the voice of the Mother who had chosen the aboriginal peoples of the Americas over the people her son had chosen. Just as in the book of Revelation where at the end we hear both the voice of the lamb and the bright and morning star, throughout all prophesy we can hear their voices, her chiming in after his declarations. She is the Source of all creation and by her will alone did he even come into existence. And so now the woman whose will became a bull, rises again in the hearts of men as the bull gives way to her existence within creation.

Is our sun not a star? Does she not rise in the East?

More comes to me as I begin to see how this will happen and I rejoice a bit mockingly "Isn't it nice how they have begun to clean up our land for us before they go back to their own? And they thought they were doing it to serve their own purposes.......

As we allow this energy, spirit of matrilineal sovereignty rise within us, they will begin to flee from our presence, not even themselves fully able to understand why it is so uncomfortable to be standing in the light surrounding them. They will turn their heads to snap at us like dogs with tucked in tails between their legs, but their bite will be no real challenge when we realize what is happening. So, if they start a rumor or send a challenge, call names or do something that would have normally gotten on our nerves, know it as a sign of their leaving.