Changing Potentials

    I made two choices yesterday not knowing ahead of time what they would mean or why they were important. One was to clean out all the stuff that has been taking up an entire bedroom in my home. It did not belong to me and so I never would have presumed to touch it. I have been told to keep it protected, keep my doors locked so no one would steal it and implying certain people could not come into my home because they were the potentials thieves if I let them they would have access to the things being with held from them, things I guess I might include items belonging to them to begin with. I cried before I did this. It is not my nature to forcefully go against anyone or anything. One, it creates hard feelings from that person and two, it brings trouble on me because they choose to have hard feelings against me. And I just don't like to. Period. I am not a pusher or shover, I am a child who probably wants to stay a child because she sees what being an adult is all about in THIS world.....but a new world is coming, we are bringing it in and so we must establish it ourselves by being the adults we do not want our children too afraid of becoming. So, I used the physical force of moving what does not belong to me out of my realm of responsibility where it did not belong in the first place. Because I had first cried out my resistance to taking such action before doing it, as I did it I realized just why it was appropriate that I did do it. The underlying principles which made the existence of that situation so inappropriate became apparent. Not just being responsible for someone else's responsibilities but what kind of mother puts her child and grandchild to live in such circumstances?! My mother is evil to have thought she was correct to do any of this to her children. And when I think of how she had already done it to my sister then had the nerve to evict her so that my sister and all her possessions sat out in the rain.....I am in mourning. She introduces an idea as a mother doing something for her children and then makes the demands of a lord of the land over them instead, denying her being their parent. God is not allowing me to allow her to deny her parenthood and her responsibilities as a parent. We became what we became because of her parenting. I am becoming what I am becoming despite it. Whatever her reaction is when she realizes what I have done...and I cried the pain I would feel if bad things happened to me because she might react badly....and then I realized I was making it unnecessary for me to have to experience the bad results of such an action because I was experiencing it emotionally already. I was changing the potentials with my crying over what has not yet happened. We are given experiences so we will grow, it is an experience I won't have to have because I have already had it. And people used to call me crybaby, be critical of my crying over things that could happen and then marvel at how I would cry so deeply and then when it was cried out I would be bouncing up within myself as if nothing untoward had ever happened to me ever. It was because I had put the experiences behind me and I was free of ever having to live them.
    Another thing flowed into my reflections of this as I checked to see how the principles underlying this incident could be applied to my inner house, the universe around me, an awareness that a Mother would not leave ne room in the house she has given her children full of discarded items. So, our entire earth will be cleansed, with no evil spirits lurking in any corners. Like my mother's stuff, she may have had intentions of selling them, storing them elsewhere, doing something else with them, but instead they just sat there becoming ruined by age, mildew, dust and spiders and so they are unfit for anything but trash now. So it is with the evil that has been lingering and the potentials that might have been planned for it. All houses will be cleaned and dwelling in clean heavens and "hells".
   The other choice I made involved a man. I made my desire to have him become my mate be known to him. This I normally would never have done. Number one, I have never had to. sheesh, I am a good looking woman, men ask me out. I never had to make a first move. So, for once I experienced what it might be like for a man to ask a woman to marry him. Wow, what they go through! lol And considering they are trained not to make emotional journeys through things, wow, how much harder it must be still! Not allowed to cry, never mind not allowed to cry about something that never even happened to other people's minds, lol. Yeah, OK, so back to my journey through this thing. Number two, this man is a poor choice. He is not emotionally divorced from his ex wife, his community, his youth, etc. But, I cried out my resistance to doing such a "foolish thing", knew in my heart that if he did accept I do and would love him despite everything but angry at what my heart my go through being with a man who really could never be faithful. So, I did that. Then this morning I cried about how it would feel if he rejected me. I imagined what kind of ritual could be done to help him divorce his past and then realized I was doing the same thing.....changing potentials with each passing moment. I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like to live in endless bliss white a man. I fear the idea of it. It is a concept I am unfamiliar with as I have never experienced anything like it: to dwell in a sense of security endlessly. Does this actually happen to people? So, disappointment I can emotionally journey through on my own without anything happening, but fulfillment of something beautiful, unending drawn to me by my sheer and terror of the potential of experiencing it....oh you know the universe is moving to provide me this experience! lol I mean, how does one act when so happy? How do couples interact when they happily at peace with one another and know they have nothing to fear in it, that nothing will ever destroy it? How does it happen? It happens as it is happening, as I change the potentials both he and I might have to experience to get there. I divorce him from his past family and community, etc. I liberate him so that he may join with me.
  Interesting to say the least. And to imagine, something in me as child always knew to allow this to happen, went through this process so natural and creative and productive while everyone around me looked on like I was crazy. harrumph! Girl knew what she was doing. lol
  So allow myself to experience the emotional journey through many things. What if my mother does kick me out? How often has that happened! Humiliation, degradation, been there already. There will never come a time I will be OK with many things that have happened ot me: losing my children, healing a man only have him choose another over me. And so I can cry real tears, feel real emotions to make this journey through these bad potentials happening. And so time speeds up as I have all these experience sin a single day, in a single moment, allowing them flow past me....crying like the child I was always meant to be and letting go of not living it, not being me. And I thought I was tired yesterday.....lol so resilient.
  And so now the mind, the little boy with the cigarettes understands why the little girl, my emotions, did what she did, how she in her own naturally given ways even protected him from bad things happening. That is a sort of indigenous practice, isn't it. When a child leaves the home for any reason: to marry or go off to war, the women sit and mourn the loss of them before any real loss happens.....the Mother's children had this gift given to them all along. It was that which they could not fathom, could not emotionally journey through due to lack of experience of it which happened to them. And that is why things we do not expect or think could ever happen come upon us unexpectedly seemingly out of the blue. That which we believe we are most immune against are what get us in the end. And so those who are young and believe they could never die, would never have to face it must face it in the end or allow it to happen to them emotionally before they can gain life everlasting or death is suddenly upon them when they least expect it. This is why confident predictions are always undermined. So expect the unexpected and the unexpected never happens, prepare for the worst and hope for the best to happen. So we let our imagination feed us pictures of what could happen and we allow them to happen emotionally and we make our journey through time and circumstances.
  This is why emotional honesty is so critical: if we lie to ourselves about how things will affect us and assume this makes us impervious to it happening, we are achieving exactly the opposite. And if we journey with others emotionally through their experiences, we do not have to have them.
  They used to say I took things too seriously, emotionally responding to every potential presented...and yet was I not thus taking my future seriously? Living it out before it even happened? So, yes, take everything around us seriously. It is all real and it is all happening. We do not need to be afraid to let it all in, little by little, living through all the various potentials that are happening to others because it absolutely could be to us they begin happening if we do NOT take them seriously.
  And if we are given assurance of something, an inner knowledge that something will happen...allow the belief that challenges it to come in and allow yourself to emotionally experience the opposite. Take the ridicule and feel ridiculous and then the ridiculous never has to happen or that which others view as ridiculous to believe could happen will indeed become for us a reality, we succeed where other people fail simply by accepting that yes indeed we could fail and yes indeed it would devastate us to have failed in it. It is only when we allow in the believe that we could fail and then give up trying that we never succeed at anything we are wanting. So, what if we are never to truly become sovereign? Are always being reminded by the universe that we are dependent on food and things from Mother, always subject to traumatic events so good could come of it? What if our children never grown up and learn their lessons? And what is it to us to take a day to cry like a child to ensure none of this ever happens? What is it to us to just let us get depressed for a moment to avoid a life full of depression? To allow in the potential that we just might not live a life where anything good can happen? and not let our mind talk us out of it......
  So let yourself be a "drama queen" in your own imagination, who has to even know it? Take a day in isolation to cry out all the potentials, who has ot see it? And what if they did see it, did know you were truly a drama queen in your imagination and that you cry in private when no one is watching? What if you were truly never alone and demons see you and reveal it other people who then come and mock you for it? Let your imagination run away with me, what if I am not real and full of shit? What if you should never have believed a word I am saying because I am nothing but a fraud and a fake and a con artist? What if God is not real and there is no such thing as being "chosen"? What if there is no return of some White Buffalo Calf Peace-pipe Woman? What if mankind never learns to live peacefully? What if I am nothing but deceitful? Wouldn't that be horrible? Wouldn't that be evil? Wouldn't that make you just another victim of another charlatan come to seduce and make a fool of the people? What if it is taken from me and given to my children? What if it is true what people are saying? What if I am really crazy?
  So what if we are gullible once in a while; we believe a threat could happen and then have it pointed out why it couldn't and they laugh....well, guess what? Because I made the emotional journey through your "unrealistic" threat, it became unnecessary for me to experience it while you have drawn that impossible experience to you by denying your fear of it actually happening, the fear you would feel if it did happen and because you did it in a spirit of meanness. So YOU get real. ;)
  As the day progresses a thought comes to mind, an inspiration: what f we could just work this stuff out in our sleep? What if we could just release our bodies from this process, heal them and set them free to be healthy and resolve all that needs resolving in our sleep? Now we know how it happens, that one person can be incredibly blessed, the "science" behind such madness, such insanity as a life full of perfection despite a complete ignorance to any "knowledge" supposedly known to any white man, prophet, poet, scholar, or "master", magician, or spirit with all their methods and practices and traditions....what if it all just "magically" happens for the innocent? And not only is this sane and just but righteous....Does that make me a dream walker? And what does that mean exactly?
    I am reminded how I was always like that as a child, so resilient, and even again as an adult when I was given to embrace my innocence: I would go to sleep with things weighing on my mind heavily, sleep peacefully, unmoving and wake refreshed full of insights and answers to my problems, everything working out perfectly.