Know Your Own Motives

 Today's assignment came "under the sign of the white dragon", in the form of a dream/vision on the edge of sleep. It was my birthday party. I was asked to come up and be the announcer for the commencement of the event, announcing the DJ. I thought "how silly, everyone knows who the DJ is and he is already speaking in the microphone, he himself can be announcing the event." But I consent in the spirit of sharing the joy. The DJ is Sam Elliot. His on-screen presence from what I have seen is always characters who are warm and soft in their energy yet strong and steadfast in their character. Long hair, a bit grey at least and just all around my kind of sexy. This DJ asks if I want a picture. I consent and just melt right into his arms, so warm and comfortable in his energy. We exchange merriment as I tell him of the "crush" I always have on him and how the first thing we both think is not just poor him to be the object of so much romantic attention, but first and foremost his poor wife! He asks if I want to be kissing him in the picture, to which I reply no thank you, he is after all married. As we are enjoying a pleasant exchange I notice an ex entering. In the back of my mind I realize this would be making him jealous potentially because he is of the sort who was always jealous of everyone and everything. Suddenly the photographer runs out of film and makes excuses. She refuses to take the picture. It comes out it is because she has judged me and my motives for wanting the picture, claiming I want it just to make my ex jealous.
  So, I get out of bed and ponder this. In life I had frequently fallen victim to this: believing the motives other people (used by demons obviously) have attributed to my actions. Did the scene begin with me simply agreeing to a picture being taken? Did I not notice, just observing, the possible consequences of this event? Innocent observation of potential consequences does not make one responsible for those consequences. The consequences are in fact incidental. And secondly, we are not responsible for other people's emotions. thirdly, maybe these events are arranged so people could address their emotions. If one is emotionally involved in a situation, it means it is significant to them spiritually. jealousy means either 1) you have a problem with insecurity or 2) you need to be with that person above all things and all others to be right in your journey. No feelings whatsoever, whether lack of fear, lack of excitement or it's wholeness, healthy form of lack of resonance (an inner echo of verification, a harmonious union, consent, agreement with a thing or person's presence) and there is no benefit for you in your journey. jealousy is a strong emotion. There is definitely something in there needing exploring, respectfully. But knowing our own motives is vitally important to emotionally honest journeying and being able to assert our own true intentions instead of continuing to allow ourselves to suffering accusations, punishments and an unnecessarily guilty feeling/perceived conscience. A falsely accused and believing conscience will continue to bring us into worse and worse circumstances and bring upon us illness. That shock to the stomach we get when receiving an unexpected sentence of righteously executed judgment. Sure, it might have been just and righteous if the accusation was honest, but because it was not honest, it was a manipulation of the conscience through false accusation of motives, which we have not yet learned to be self-aware of, have self-confidence in, there is no justice in it and yet because of our self-deception we fall under just condemnation and judgment. We prevent that by being aware of our own motives, clear about them, and then asserting them in the presence of these demons. I have thus had my teeth sharpened under the sign of the white dragon this morning. I am sure more opportunities to perfect this practice are in the wings waiting or not maybe. maybe my lack of guilty feelings was enough to prove me in this aspect. And the scenario is a lesson for another in this reality anyways as well so it may not just have been an opportunity for me to "sharpen my teeth" so to speak, but an opportunity to bring the illustration and it's lessons to another who could use them at this point in their journey.
      Using the emotional tools of wholeness are my most recent points of practice and I can honestly say I am stumbling. So accustomed to having had to navigate with strong emotions. I am fine-tuning my method of journeying. Where there was fear, anger and resentment now comes a mere reluctance. Where there might have been love, passion and great shallow excitement, now there is the heart singing. Instead of longing for a situation one craves and is deprived of, one learns they can project that energy of a heart singing in enjoyment of the experience and know that one day that experience is coming. Shopping yesterday provided an opportunity to fine tune my ability to use such subtle tools of navigation. diapers: reluctance in the decision, neither option was ideal or a bargain. I have a habit of not letting my mind show me potential positives because it might rob me of the emotional experience of making the wrong decision, so in punishment for not completely resisting the mind's positive potential presented, the handle on the box ripped and landed on my toe, crushing pain in it. Ow! I hate that when that happens. Bought the box of diapers instead and now understanding what happened have a clean conscience about it. Then the hummingbird feeder I wanted. Both this year and last, once a day a hummingbird comes to visit. It simply buzzes my hand, sometimes startling me into the present while I am smoking a cigarette or sitting on the clothes line until I notice and acknowledge it and flies off again. My heart sings at the potential of it enjoying the gift I get it. My mind interjects with a negative potential of bugs filling it instead, keeping me grounded about the situation, but heart singing about the positive, honestly acknowledging the negative emotions I would experience if the bug thing happened, instead I purchased the more expensive yet very pretty feeder because the less expensive one (which I would have planned to purchase) was not in stock. I do this now with complete confidence.
    Last evening I danced to allow in strength, power and authority, reflecting on how that which we categorize as evil and that which we categorize good, black and white, black and white thinking on things, angels and demons are neither really. For everything created there is a situation in which it is appropriate. I conveyed to another yesterday the parable of the wise man who reluctantly took on a pupil. Walking past a boat, the wise man punched a hole in it. The pupil corrected him on the evil of destroying another's property. The wise man stated that if he had not done so, a young man would have been pressed into service to use the boat for work and ended up drowning in it. That young man had a destiny of enlightenment. Not that we should go about interfering in people's journeys, but we should never judge actions based upon limited perceptions and assumed consequences. So it is with angels and demons: did God himself not use Satan to put lying spirits in all the prophets except one of them? Did he not allow Job to be proved by Satan and his methods? Was Satan not still in heaven after the rebellious angels had fallen? So if one has "authority over demons" and righteously attuned discernment, can they not use them to accomplish righteous purposes? Are they not amongst our brothers and sisters, hunted and hounded and rejected? Could they not go where angels may fear to travel and be powerless? Archangel Michael backed down in an argument over Moses's body: "angels" are not all-powerful. And so they are all angels, simply some of the darker persuasion. And really what is the difference between a "being of light" and a "demon"? There are evil/imbalanced/rebellious version of both. Satan being self-righteous, suffering from fear and insecurity is a being of light. the innocent in the darkness of ignorance and lack of understanding fear their ignorance and became rebellious. their acts were not necessarily wrong or inappropriate, but their self-doubt, lack of conviction condemned them just like the falsely accused but believing conscience above mentioned. God Himself interbred with a human woman to produce the offspring called Jesus. Is not that the same thing the rebellious angels were condemned for, mating with the daughters of men? It some matters- it's all a matter of perception.
   I am still contending with the whole lying about me and disguising me aspects of my journey. naiveté maybe. Resentment probably. Jehovah's Witnesses call lying in defense of the kingdom, their version of the truth to prevent outsiders "worldly" people and courts from interfering with their religious practices by lying about their true beliefs "Theocratic Warfare". Not a problem if a Witness, but definitely a problem to the one they might use it against- a hypocritical perception of it quite possibly, unless we do not fear their use of it, knowing our righteousness is above theirs and so in this instance, their theocratic warfare is inappropriate applied and will be condemned and judged as unfit/inappropriate. A fine line to be walking: righteousness using "tools of evil" in this darkened system. But a walk one who has mastered it can walk effortlessly once proven and practiced. Just don't forget to make, allow for the journey through the potential of guilty conscience to happen ;) Emotional honesty vital to our experiences!
   Watched "The Golden Compass" and reflected upon the idea of indecision being the mark of maturity and the point at which "the dust" begins to cause all sorts of troubles. "Maturity", the inability to transform, be "magical", fluent and flexible in our being comes with indecision-inability to be clear and decisive because we have taken upon us too much baggage and fear, pain and suffering, causing self doubt about decisions inwardly driven. "The Dust" is not the problem, it is the baggage which causes the naturally occurring "Dust", having magical properties, to be problematic to our worldly perceptions and decision-making properties such as "common sense", "logic" and "reason". And yeah, Sam Elliot, lol. Sorry, Sean Connery never got sexy to me until he got, grey, long-haired and a gruffness to his speech. Those are the men I consider sexy and whose arms I would melt right in. Of course those are just on-screen presences. In real life they are channellors of entities and energies, not much depth in their own person, easily "possessed" most likely (unless they make the choice of characters they play with discernment). So, I am not infatuated with any, never have been really because something in me knew this about them, the celebrities, but heart sings at the potential of some of these characters in those energies with those qualities existing.
  We shall see what more the day has to bring......Oh, and I told the photographer to take the damn picture, lol.

     Ah ha! A little while later more comes in on this. The consequences might have been unintentionally coincidental, but what of our feelings attached to such consequences? Would we rejoice or be disappointed by any jealousy created? emotional dishonesty-not confronting those emotional attachments would be what the "demons" would have been sent in to address. At his point I think "If I were to come with a warning label it would be: Sovereign in development. Beware: can handle the big decisions, but panics over the small and seemingly unimportant. She constantly adjusts and fine-tunes her thinking (may be perceived has changing her mind about things)", lol. A whispering in mind of reassurance "those are faithful in the smallest or least of things..." Should post at end of day or week even, maybe. The it occurs to me "is that what happened to the 'fallen angels' ?" Did they see the potential of their impregnating women killing them and secretly rejoice over it and for that receive judgment?". a very strong maybe indeed that is what happened. So, check in later for there may be additions to this posting as the day progresses.....

ooooo, and there are even deeper insights to be gathered inwardly for me: my intellect was jealous of my emotional, spiritual and physical bodies which ended up being the center of attention. "Princess Pink" in her Catholic school, so kind and considerate, she was always adored and rewarded. As a teen the mind by then depressed by PTSD and unable to function in it's highest abilities was frowned upon by teachers and parents. The budding woman getting the attention of base men and jealous women, neither of which ewe were even interested as I craved to be recognized for my intellect, to have meaningful interactions, wanting grey hair instead. Then we became Jehovah's Witnesses, a highly intellectual religion in whose care and keeping the emotional and physical beings once again flourished. Yup, jealousy has been an issue within my various inner aspects. We are resolving them as we become one unified being: emotional, spiritual, physical and intellect.

And the hummingbird came to visit, took a sip of it's gift. My heart sings. So now when it visits and I am not in attendance, it has the gift, an expression of my appreciation for these visits, to avail it's self of. The wee ones noticed as I was busy typing and brought it to my attention. And yes, there is already a spider web on it  and a big flying ant was earlier on it.

     Still later I am reflecting on what went wrong with being a Jehovah's Witness. Yes, my spirit, emotional and physical well-being began to flourish with the satisfaction and rest of the intellectual mind, relief was found for it. The spirit was gaining a sense of integrity and happy about it. But being an intellectual religion it's members could not help but persecute me. Their wives were all depressed on personality altering meds and suffering a host of physical ailments. The men oppressive and controlling, suppressed and suppressive. Like the runt of a litter due to my innocent, naïve emotions, I fell victim to their predations.  They are wolves in sheep's' clothing. But like a wolf himself and like those families where the siblings are constantly fighting yet let an outsider have a problem with one of them; the whole pack falls upon the outsider. So it was with my inner aspects; the spirit and intellect will use their strengths to fall upon any who threatened the emotional and physical perceived weaknesses. And so it was that I went through a phase of vehemently opposing them, the Jehovah's Witnesses. Of course the other aspects also needed to feel justified in leaving, so there were other issues with it as well as these. But the focus today is the intellect/emotional inter relating.
   As an emotion passes, I realize "wonder how much of this emotional releasing is for the sake of the pair as he gets opportunity to express understanding, experience in supporting her". It's OK, it's passing, probably old stuff just coming up for releasing like an inexperienced but doting lover....and she can in turn gracefully receive it.
    I realize fully today how we believe when we outgrow fears, anxieties and issues with people, places and things we don't really release them. We get excited about it, put them in a box and put them in an inner closet. Then we move forward in our newfound maturity and forget about them. We forget they ever existed. And then we wonder why people bring them to our attention. We think? I don't fear that. I got over that relationship, it doesn't bother me. But we haven't. We simply stored it away for safe keeping. So as we go through our inner closets we end up resurrecting those old thought long dead things and emotions, some we might not even be able to identify with anything in particular, a particular event. So, we just allow it to happen, feel that fear, cry out that pain, express concerns over things in our own minds and hearts. No need to project them on anyone or anything, don't have to believe them, we just need to allow them to happen. Then. We are free.
  Apartment vacuumed, bathroom scrubbed clean, Febreeze candle, dinner cooking, gorgeous weather, soft breeze sunshine, smell of fresh cut grass, open windows, all being appreciated.
  And now I am inspired to watch the movie "Happily Ever After".