The Little Boy with the Cigarettes

This morning's first sight upon awaking is in vision the sight of a little boy bringing me cigarettes. This little boy is my "son", my inner masculine, the intellect. He is reflected back to me in my physical literal son and I love him dearly, in both forms. My inner son is the one who brought me cigarettes. At 18 years old, I perceived I was a misfit who did not fit in with other misfits because I was pretty, smart and came from a home with money. The things which usually cause other people to be misfits did not plague me. I was a misfit because of my inner being, my inner wholeness, my ability to perceive the imbalance and lack of wholeness exhibited in those around me. I felt the land, the trees, the love, pain and joy and in absolutely everything. I carried wihtin me the feelings of guilt of a Great Creator who saw the cause of everything in the world that was bad, ugly and caused pain was it's fault. I truly felt I was ot blame for everything and yet a part of me knew and understood it I was crying the tears of one who was not this human being walking the earth and so I would cry the tears of my Creator and I would get up and play carefree as any child. But this made me so odd and different from anyone else. They wuld react to my crying, it would frighten them. They would reassure me I wasn't to blame for anything, how could I think that? and so I was ridiculed for this great pain I would carry inside me at times. I began to shut him out, how could a Great Creator dump that on a child? What kind of "man" would do this? And yet, I could handle this until it would drive me to do things I did not want to do. I have a limitless capacity to channel emotions that do not belong to me, process them, to heal them, resolve the conflict they cause, etc. That is one aspect I have been working with my physical son on: he is to take responsibility for his own emotions, allow himself to feel them, know whwere they are coming from, not allow himself to be afraid they will overcome them and to use his head to not project them at others. When this is established, when this is accomplished, THEN I hug and hold and console him and justify them with my heart, my hands and my words.
   I have noticed this about women: we take on the emotions of our men. Literally, we take those emotions into ourselves. "I don't know why I am crying" a woman will say. She is crying because someone who is joined to her energetically needs ot cry but is not, so she is doing the crying for them. And the them is usually the man she is joined with. Boys learn this early, the thing women do not know about themselves. They can use their own emotions, their own fear of abandonment, project them into a woman who only knows she is feeling intense fear at the idea of a breakup. The man then his intellect to overcome, "out think", the woman now overwhelmed by HIS OWN emotions.
   But my intellect, my inner little son brought me cigarettes so I could have a reason to hang out with the other misfits who would normally by intimidated by my presence. And this has worked in our favor ever since. Stepping out to have a smoke has provided plenty of opportunity to initiate conversations and extend healing to those who are "singled out", having to step out to have a ciggarette and who usually smoke for the usual reasons people have addictions. But there are many things that inner little boy comes up with that are not appropriate, like "just have a drink with them". Sure, but there are certain people you don't want to drink with, whose perception of your drinking would be innapropriate. There are those it is not safe to drink with.
  My inner son has a lot of pain we have been holding in. So bright and quick, those around us who were intimidated by it would canstantly try to catch us off guard and try to make us feel stupid with tricks, ridicule, intimidation by being vague, unclear, riddleling, implying deception where there wasn't, etc. Anything anyone could do to try to make me disbelieve and distrust my own mind and intellect was used against me. And alot of it worked....temporarily. But that was one of the things I picked up on early on, why it would not be good for my physical son's father to raise him. My son was already demonstrating a very high intellect. His father is always intimidated by a high intellect and being abusive in nature will ridicule it and employ any of the above against it. I saw my son's emotional and intellectual developement would only be handicapped if he was raised by his father.
  One of the hardest things ever and the most lonely is having to raise my inner son on my own. There was no example to follow. We have had to grow up ourselves, do ur own fathering with no example to follow, no support in this process because there was no one who would want it to be successful: it is an intimidating prospect to those feeling inadequate. And who doesn't? Men used their intellect as described above and women used theirs to undermine men, manipulate them into getting what tehy wanted and in doing the same ot eachother. Because women feel so helpless in most respects, they resort to subtleties and subterfuge to get resources. A man, in the eyes of most women is a resource; the typical source of bread and butter in a patriarchal culture. So, men are competed for and it IS a life and death matter. If a woman has a man she will be extremely rpotective of her claim on him or who will feed her children? When pregnant and feeling awkward, weighed down by a pregnancy, that is when a woman who is normally strong will suddenly feel vulnerable. A woman who is usually self-sufficient will become aware that suddenly she CAN'T do everything for herself.....or is that, too simply a perception? ;) Except for a single 24 hours of recovery, a woman can begin getting up and around and doing what needs doing if her pregnancy and delivery have had no problems. And she has probably worked right up to the point of labor, hauling wood, cooking, taking care of other children. Pregnancy, the pure joy of it can be so invigorating a woman can be tireless during one.
  So, my stomach problems are as much about my inner son as my physical one. I have to release my inner son's pain of rejection not only by others but of what it perceives of by me. For there are times I WOULD shut it out. It is OK and even neccessary to feel emotion without thinking about it once we learn how not to take on the emotions of the poeple around us. We can feel our emotions, dance with them, express them, BE with them all by ourselves without thinking about it, being critical of their existence. We can allow and accept them. They won't hurt us or anyone else. They won't even hurt us physically unless we resist them. Not even fear will kill us if aren't afraid of it, resist it. And I am sure the insights here will keep coming but as I observe my literal physical male child I am proud of how far my inner son and I have come in parenting ourselves. My physical son will defend everything about me. He will jump in front of a full grown man and begin shouting at him is he is a threat to me in any way or another. He gets angry when I make him responsible for his own emotions and shuts me out for a moment when I hold him to it, but he rebounds quickly; jumping on me, hugging and kissing me. He gets excited as I empower him in this way rather than the way I used to empower men. I used ot do it like any woman did: if he is feeling weak, shore him up,love him, give him everything he needs to feel up to the task andonce we are drained, and he has taken everything he has from us: he stomps us with it. Yup, we just got crushed by our own will, love, affection, confidence, strength and mightiness. Wegave it all to the man and he used it against us. Because we let him. That is why we women must shore up our own inner little men. Be discerning who we join up with energetically (no one in a permanant, constant connection from which they can feed off us), when and how we do this. Healthy boundaries are important and life-sustaining, not just for ourselves but for everyone else around us. When we are all responsible for our own emotions, acting sovereign, THEN it can be discerned what nature or form of relationship is approriate between two entities. We avoid becoming involved in enegetically imbalanced relationships that end up being abuser-victim relationships where even the victim IS an abuser because they are a drain, dependent upon the abuser for self-worth, identity, etc. All unhealthy relationships are mutually abusive, we simply don't realize how this is. And while the normally designated abuser is the more abusive because of their intent and overt harm, victims must come to acknowledge their own responsibilty for a relationship once they come to realize it.
  Oh, another trick the masculine likes ot use is to demonstrate a bit of emotion to gain trust that they ar ein touch with their own emotions, or their emotions, too, or to convince us of their sincereity and then slowly "slip us a mickey" with their intellect, making us feel responsible for their emotions or spiritual condition. But I do love my inner masculine, it has kept me sane, as much as has the feminine, in a world that would have otherwise overwhelmed me while I tok on the burden of a Great Spirit's emotions. How many end up crazy and killing themselves at my level of awareness? How many could never hold a functional relationship, instead becoming hermits? Am I not mighty? Am I not great? Indeed, we just might be. And no, we do not worry about an egho becoming over-inflated. We love people and do not feel intimidated by them, perceive a need ot be greater than they. We want them to be as independent and sovereign and self-sufficient as they can possibly be for all eternity.
  Native peoples have long known and understood Brother Tobbacco teaches us to stop and breath, to think prayerfully or reflectively. He owuld never harm us unless we came into a dysfunction, abusive relationship with him. If we become dependent upon him, he will abuse us. It's natural knee-jerk reaction, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, immature untrained reflexive action. Or maybe as a big brother, he does discipline us by making us sick if we overuse, abuse him? Possible, I think. So, we learn to be prayerfully reflective even when we aren't smoking. We learn to breath through conflict, self-doubt, pain and suffering. We laern to walk without him and then invite him back in to share in the joy of unity within ourselves and our Creator.
   The journey of healing and bringing together in a state of wholeness and unity my inner masculine and feminine has been quite the journey. One weakness in it is that I readily and easily give it all away freely, why should they not have it? I thinkk and believe. Because they take it for granted. I have seen healing be instantaneous. they get up and return to previous ways of living. So, Spirit shows me and my intellect people must be healed slowly, gradually, to be allowed to see and perceived the cause and effect of everyting, to be responsible for themselves and their condition as well as that of those around them. We ARE all interconnected, but we cannot heal oneanother until we first heal ourselves individually and that means first healing each inner aspect individually. Once our inner aspects are independently whole and healthy, we can bring them together in unity. As they come together in unity we can them help others achieve these same things. While we pick up on it energetically BECAUSE we are all interconnected and healing CAN be instantaneous, contagious, "controls" are put into place to prevent this....such as moving me far away from people I am positively affecting too quickly, lol. Oh, how I had a hard time coming to grasp THIS prblem. "What do you mean I am a danger to them?!". I was a danger to their developement in that, yes some would begin to change too fast so that thei rheads would begin to explode while others would change to fast and freely, not getting the benefit of being able ot leaqrn to take responsibilyt for thei rcondition, taking me and it for granted. So, now we know. Now we know how to put up prper boundaries, where, when and how they are appropriate, and how to bring people up slowly, causing just enough of anything needed as a spark toward their developement. Spirit did it to me, it's about time I learned to imitate it, lol. Duh. I DO pick up on things rather quickly once I get the feel of it, understand and accept it as appropriate, see it's benefits. But I odn't know is 43 years delayed dvelopment? Maybe. But, hey, who cares, I am learning and comparing would make me a dependent, definately not sovereign, and even the victim form of abusive to fellow humanity who might be on this journey to enlightenment. I do get the feeling, some are, however impressed with me.....;)
  And how ironic that the one source for an example, for guidence, I believed (as would any other) to turn to, our Creator was also in need of healing! Does truly leave a human feeling alone and abandoned, facing a task no one else would be up to except for Source of al things: The Dance from which Creator came. And yet so many of us ARE born into perfection, in a state of hwoleness. We take a journey into "death", division, fragmentation, abusivesness, are chosen for it and then are reawakened, quickened, rebirthed as not just perfect but because of our journey through death, with perfect understanding and application of it, the appropriate level of a sense of responsibility to our communities and creation. It is a beautiful thing, really if we can accept and embrace it. There IS the danger of lingering resentment, to know we were consiously worked against and beaten into ignorance, confuse and disoriented on purpose. But our heart's yearning to understand and love all of humanity caused us to agree to it when we were children and believed we could handle it. And as regret is felt as I remember yesterday's illustration of a child drawing a picture on a piece of paper to make it look pretty, the entrapment of the young and innocent. This where our Creator needs OUR forgiveness. And where we learn that even with our Creator, it is righteous, just and healthy to put into place appropriate boundaries against Him. Source is compassionate. The Dance flowing into one form or another, allowing the growth to occur under such conditions, knowing it is neccessary, but easing our journey through it by disciplining Creator and children like Her while "sneaking" in reliefs unexpected, undermining Him when neccessary and us for our own safety from Him. The Dance between us all is intricate. Simple, yet intricate and that is what we come ot be in our maturity. And so The Dance continues to fine-tune me. I am an instrument. I am stringed. My tones can be played deep as striking as a drum can be, or as high, high as any flute. But my notes do not stop abruptly as they do with other instruments, the vibration continues to eminate sound long after I play a tune unless I consciously choose to place a hand upon a string and stop it abruptly. "I am in control of everything", says She. And yet she is not in the least bit controlling. And THAT is what so many have a hard time grasping, the subtleties, the difference between such similar things as these: to be in control while not being controlling. To be strong yet supple rather than stiff and rigid or too easily bent. All our aspects must be able to work together as one chain, one connection, one channel of flowing communication giving and receiving. Allowing all in and seperating into appropriateness. And knowing when it is becoming too vague and in need of resting ;)
     Today I have an inner son to releae and process. To the blessing of the outer one ;)
 I am so happy, indeed!
"There is that which is neccessary and then that which is not neccessarily neccessary but we make neccessary in order to protect the integrity of a thing we are wanting to achieve and is appropriate." This is a Divine Secret She will not be revealing. It is not neccessary for everyone to understand everything and this is an understanding everyone must come to. To accept authority and protect the integrity of the experience wanting to be achieved by each party.
  Indeed, there is more incoming. Last night as I lay down to sleep and sensing the buzz of energy around me, I did what I always do to slip off quietly into a peaceful night's sleep. I reached within for peace wiht my body and then reached for Source with my mind, the picture of it I had been given, had received. Then I heard a buzz cut right above my left brain and realized quickly that connection had just been severed.What on earth just happened? But I have learned not to panic at such things. It is always allowed for a reason and can just be temporary in serving a puropse, in serving me, the human being or at least an apsect of being human. Just now I realize, like so many men in my life who take issue with me, my being correct in my understanding of things and their rebelliousness at having to admit they are wrong about something, they"run to mommy" and tell on me, demand action be taken against me so they don't lose whatever it is they are holding as precious DESPITE their misuse of it. And so I have been robbed of a good many things and have allowed it to pass while I make this journey. I UNDERSTAND their feelings. I HAVE compassion, but it does not mean I should let them get away with these things. And this is why Mother allowed it to happen. For me to come to this realization. To stand up wihtin myself and assert my authority so I might come to know it IS appropriate. And so a "man" has been allowed to rule over my body and withhold from it. But in the grand nature of things, as scripture says "a man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife" and HER family. NEVER should a mother-in-law be a problem. Never should a woman be asked ot leave her family. Matrilineal IS appropriate. It is for HIM to be come into subjection, fo rhis mother to enforce this and his wife to maintain it. It is not a marriage in the common sense, but like the angels in heaven a joining together, himjoining of her to himself in subjection to her. Each independent and responsible for their own actions, emotions and intellectual processes but subject to the laws of nature, the physical, and what is appropriate. She helps him with his emotions only when he is taking responsibility for them. She helps him with working out problems only when he is man enough to ask for it and acknowledge it from her he is getting the solution. I hate that! A man complains he is having a problem. I give him the solution. He balks and ridicules, then when I am not looking, he applies it, boasts of his achievement and never acknowledges where he got it. He takes all the credit. So, I learn not to offer freely and then to use discernment even concerning those who are asking.
  So, the lesson is this: first he must look to me, my welfare, safety, comfort and my connection to Mother. THEN he will have her acceptence. Little boy is feeling rejected. He'll get over it quickly in me. Chanelling the emotion for him.......he really can't do it without me. But once I get it moving, it is given back to him, so he is processing his own  emotions. I have emotions of my own to deal with concerning this. He must come to learn, respect, acknowledge and subject himself/admit her voice is in me. he is coming ot recognize it. The body is like the child caught up in the middle of all this, we must recognize this and acknowledge Her voice in it. And so it is as scriptures says, has prophesied of the end "they will be ruled over by their children" (with the guidence of their grandmother IN the children-the body). And once we become responsible parents, the child is relieved of this innapropriate role it is playing, released by Grandmother (Source) into our care and keeping.
  And sometimes, yes, it could work out for the best for everybody, but examples have to be made so that authority gets acknowledged, even if it is not needed.   So, it is appropriate to acknowledge and give thanks to our Maker, our Creator, so long as we are acknowledging and appreiating there is a Source behind this, behind Him. And it is fine to compliment a man on his life, his achievements so long as he recognizes and acknowledges there is a mother who gave birth to him and a wife who has created his home envirnment, used resources wisely and children who are well behaved and cooperative, making their home and life, their association a valuable contribution to society. O.K. so even after all this he still has to go through her to get to Mother, in honor of all we are learning and he does not mind this happening. Cool beans. Then she realizes as hidden release and relief come in, she needed his acceptence of the situation, not because she needed it or him but because she WANTS him to be a part of this. She enjoys his company and companionship.
  I realize, not only have I been parenting myself, my inner aspects, which is basically parenting a household full of children, but I have also been parenting physical children, in doing all this I have been aprenting spirits and my comunity, worrying about how the hell I am going to feed, clothe and house us, dealing wiht harrassment, opposition, rape, discouragment and who knows what else has been out there I haven't picked up on and someone once had the nerve to ask me: "It's fine that  you're on the street corner with a sign, but where is the yin to your yang? (or the opposite, yang ot yin, whatever) And I was too up to it to even think about "I wake up to this world every morning, I show up here". I didn't really get it nor did I care, I was just not engaging in arguements anymore or trying to justify myself. I do what I dod, did what I did and I am done questioning it. Now that I am a bit more safe and secure and understand so much more of what has been happening, what my life's experiences mean, I can now be irate, with all that I AM doing, who the f*ck is anyone to question whether or not I deserve to eat?! No one has the right or grounds to examine my worthiness to receive ANYTHING in the way of need OR luxury. I am doing the work a God Almighty should have been doing. You had better f*cking give me what I need and even those things I might be wanting. It's not like I want anything big or more than anyone else is having, I don't even want what everyone else is having. I have only ever wanted so very few things. And of these I AM deserving. O.K. in all honesty, maybe what I want is simply what is mine by right and it just HAPPENS to be that what is mine by right is a bit more than what someone else might be getting, but that is not my fault. We have to come to accept at times that this is the result of the roll of the dice, the alignment of moon and stars that made me a Pisces, the genes, everything that makes me me is something that had to happen to somebody, somebody had to be me. And yet even with all that being given, a free gift, a result of circumstances, there comes a point where we are given a will of our own and we choose ot be all we are made to be. And the choosing to be all this, despite all it's hardships and struggles through which others would not have gotten up in the morning, there stands me. Right in those cross roads making my own decision: forward I will go, even if it means being all alone. And that is what makes me worthy and deserving. That is why I will be receiving what I will be receiving. And a big part of that was me accepting anything in return for what I am doing. So, I give others by giving to myself and allowing them to give to me.
  I am a direct descendent of a daughter of the Dance. My essence and thus my destiny is peacefulness. thus it is so with my children, no matter where their journey takes them. But this is not true of everybody and that, too needs ot be respected. Divisions are placed to protect one from the other, for they need protection from your need for peace just as you need protection from their discontent.
  And BTW, a man CAN be emotionally and intellectually independent and self sufficient. But a body was meant for enjoying sensation. Skin was made to feel carresses. These are gifts meant to be shared, even though not neccessary, to fulfill intent, for appreciation and acknowledgement of where they come.
  So, if you are a man who read where I wrote that a man needs a woman and got fed up wiht hearing that-maybe your being fed up is what you needed to become in order for you to get over being insecure about not needing a woman. And then add to it that maybe the only reason such a man would only run into women who are "crazy", clingy and needy, a burden until he understands his gifts, the ones given him were meant to be shared and he should be willingly sharing them once in a while at least. Then he is given a self-sufficient woman who is not a burden to share with. Then they must realize their obligation to share their bliss wiht their community, willingly. Until then harrassment may come to their property, to draw them out into their community. Harrassment may be a young one needing the challenge to their belief such bliss does not exist, but by this point you wold be able to recognize that this is what is happening and not be intimidated or annoyed by it. And at just such a point, you and that woman no longer need being seperated by distance ;)