Emotional honesty and wanton kittens

       We all want that blissful, joyful life of abundance. We're told we get it by focusing on the positive, the positive feelings, the things that make our hearts sing. We're told we do it by governing our thoughts, making ourselves think positive things, thinking about things that make our hearts sing. It's all true. The thing of it is this: as we 'raise our vibration' nothing of 'lower vibration' can exist in the same space. So, if we've led a negative, emotionally dishonest and/or repressed life, all that has got to come up. The mind cannot process it for us. The mind must be trained/disciplined to let the 'digestive system' digest the inner things we call emotions and feelings.  Feelings and emotions are of a higher vibration than thoughts could ever be. As a matter of fact, thoughts get their 'power', their energetic charge from the emotions and feelings they meet. Emotional honesty is vital in this process of consciously creating our experience. Not the emotions of the 'adults' we've created but of the divine 'child' within at the core of our being.
   One habit I must stop should I want myself to succeed is to stop referring to emotions and aspects of being as "ridiculous". I may say it in my mind with soft acceptance, but it is still an expression of lack of appreciation and reluctance for what I am experiencing.
  This comes up now as many plans and expectations are being frustrated. They are being frustrated for a reason. That reason is to draw all of this out of me, to bring it forth from deep within, clear everything out of the pathways that had been hindering it ('adult' emotions) and letting the divine core of my being shine forth as the radiance it was meant to be. Everything has gone to shit and a part of me is divinely happy with it. I get it and that gives me an 'advantage', so to speak. No more groping around in the dark seeking some sort of working out of a plan to haul me up out of it and suddenly those dark places really aren't even dark. No fleeing for higher 'vibrational' spaces of detached light, we're hanging down here in the 'grey' right with them.
  We (or at least I ) have known only to be referred to as "emotional messes". Well, it is given to occur to me that my emotions are not at all 'messy'. They're in perfect order. Frustration is angry and/or crying, unprojected, simply in me. Neat as pin. Sadness at loss; crying within me, unprojected, perfectly aligned within. Hurt: same thing. Emotional messes are those of us(and even me when....) we choose the 'adult' emotional response instead of divine emotional honesty. For example: we choose righteous anger/indignation instead of admitting hurt, dissapointment or sadness of any kind. We may choose to govern our thoughts to trigger "higher" emotions to escape vulnerability we may feel in sadness and frustration, in hope, in love, in life.  The transition to living life consciously is like learning to ride a bike. We may not have it all coordinated during our first attempts. Sadness, insecurity, frustration......all these things may come with it.  We can only just let ourselves feel it. 'There it is, hello you, welcome to the party, let's get to crying because we know in the end, there is nothing we cannot do'. We've got this so we distance ourselves from "this" for a moment while we do our crying. Let go of the 'good' potentials you KNOW are coming. We have the luxury of time and space to do it, so let's get 'er done!
  As I do this process I begin to be given to notice certain things. My son, especially. I keep telling him his sister is not a squeaky toy. He spends days provoking his sister to squeal, cry, screech and scream. He doesn't want to express his own frustration, anger, fear, etc so he seeks to provoke it out of his sister. I've had alot of men in my life do that with me. I'm seeing a theme. So, I told him "stop provoking it out of your sister and feel your own feelings". Holy crap, it was dead-on and worked. His sister picked up on it quickly and is handing his emotions right back to him on a silver platter. More of us women could learn how to do this: "That's your shit, not mine, I'm handing it back, man".  Because we women are expected to be "emotionally weak" (which is really our strength, our permission to show emotion because we cry 'like girls' ) the emotional burden of humanity has been hefted upon our being. Men have been using women as emotional dumping grounds for ages. Pull out the bulldozers, girls, we're returning the burden. Men can be men about the whole thing and do their own crying and screeching and 'scene making'.
  Keeping in mind it is our most immature aspects that became physical (heart and mind, etc.) and they are that which has been ruling over our experiences, that which we call the divine 'child' within is actually the most mature aspect. So, I'm feeling about for a new way to reference it.....my inner goddess maybe. Yet that might summon association with the 'adult' aspects we created from the immaturity we bring. Even the immature 'adult' aspects are divine source, so to call it my inner divine would be a misnomer. Why separate them if we're bringing it all into expansion and alignment. Not much difference, if any will be evident between them. So there you have it. There is only "me". lol, we're back to that, are we? I've taken to saying "I AM with ME": my "I AM" presence joined to my "There is only me" presence, becoming one being.
  Amidst all this, comes a conversation with my son and I am given to realize: there is no problem. There is no such thing. There is only a not working out the way we believe we want so we meet and express our repressed and 'hidden' aspects. Energy comes in waves of light and dark so both aspects are addressed and get what they are drawing. Bring forth the darkness and the dark/negative flip side of the energy waves cease to exist because it's all 'grey'. The pendulum has stopped swinging, the spiral has shrunken and we have become a stable and steady light amongst mankind.
  The highly empathic nature of being human feels it needs addressing. We feel other people's spirits and emotions and ways of thinking. They cannot exist long in us if we are emotionally 'clean', be present with every emotion as it rises so there is "backlog". If it doesn't originate within our human expression, it goes right back to them all squeaky clean. There is resistance to this, I mean how much emotion is one human expression supposed to channel?! It would not be given if it couldn't be handled. Still no excuse for others to provoke in, project at and dump emotions on others. Do your own work, man! I do choose to address a sense of victimization in association with the idea of being a channel for/cleanser of other people's spirits and emotions. Just sitting with it, loving and accepting it's existence and we'll see where it goes.
  Oh, yeah, the wanton kitten part, lol. I remember on one occasion I was given to dance 'seductively' for a man. As I did I spoke to myself within; "How could I ever respect a man who responded to/bought into this?!". I did respect him, it turned out. We have an inherent respect for all things even if we don't act like it or feel like we do. We're just too busy resisting it to realize it fully. Now I know why it felt like I was 'not being me'. We begin life as children with no real sexual interests/drives what so ever. By the time we hit puberty, we have been ingrained with cultural,familial, society's "moralities". So, suddenly our reproductive/sexual aspects awaken and they feel like strangers have come to live in us. Not only strangers, but "bad ones" that want to play 'wanton' games of seduction, be exhibitionists. "That can't be ME" we think. "It does not feel like me or want to act like me, it wants to be everything 'immoral' and out side of marriage!". So we repress it or deny it or feel guilty for it and a whole mess of things.  It'd be nice if young people were told aspects of them will be awakened and added to their experience when their sex organs begin to wake up/come into maturity. It would be nice if it was presented as normal and healthy, exciting and worthy of celebration. There's a wanton kitten inside each human and it is safe for it to play. There would then be healthy, inborn knowledge of and awareness of healthy boundaries that come with it, I'm certain. Truly 'inappropriate'   only comes when aspects become exaggerated with repression or desperate assertion.
  So, me and my 'neat as a pin' sacred emotions and holy wanton kitten are venturing forth to learn how to ride the bike of life.........should be entertaining and interesting as well as fun and exciting. I feel like a kid again without the uncertainty and insecurity that used to come with it. i no longer feel "small". That was another thing I noticed. I used to , when I curled up to go to sleep, make myself "small", to shrink into something 'non-threatening' nor drawing attention so I could sleep in safety (that was the idea originally, I believe). The idea of going to sleep as the 'giant' I am was foreign. So, I am also playing with that.
   

Re-embodying the disembodied= return of the Goddess: of being male and the masculine

  The other day at the end of one of these blog posts it was given to hit me "from out of the blue" a single statement: "Males are disembodied aspects". Clarification begins to come with an expansion upon that: "Male=disembodied, masculine=projected".
  It all makes sense upon reflection. We all begin life as female. At some point during gestation some of us project our reproductive organs out making the vagina a penis and ovaries the scrotum. The projected reproductive organs make one male. Men tend towards outer manifestations of strength and physical manifestation (they 'bring home the bacon'), masculine traits/qualities/aspects of the self.
  It also resonates with the creation story I was given: In the beginning was The Dance.......gave birth to "God"/masculine deity. The Dance projected aspects of it's self into a state of separation to get a look at it's self. Dominant consciousness shall no longer be masculine in nature: based on overpowering, structuring, controlling. It shall be returned to empowering, flexibility and fluidity, allowing and accepting.
  I am given to understand that the "Return" of the "Goddess" is the re-embodiment of the disembodied/separated aspects.
 Does this mean an end to men and masculine aspects? No. It simply means they will be brought into alignment with The Dance as a whole. Men will re-embody more fully their 'feminine' aspects and women will re-embody their more "masculine" aspects, integrate and fully align them with our divine source, bringing natural well-being to the whole. We will still have outer manifestations of creation, but creation will be an inner focus needing less outer validation. Buildings, structures,weapons, control, power over, etc are all outer validations of a sense of security, acknowledgement, empowerment. I know I'm smart because I convinced...... I know I'm strong because I overpowered......I know I'm beautiful because I am seen with.......I know I am safe because I constructed.......I know I am secure because I accumulated......I know I am virile because I produced....
  Inner/feminine/non-projection/embodied sense of security needs no physical walls to know it is safe. It understands it's inner reality produces it's outer reality; the "Law of Attraction", 'conscious creation', loving and honoring one's self. It is self-determined
 So, the return of the Goddess/Mother is the re-embodiment of our disembodied aspects as we learn to allow and live by "law of attraction" and empowering elements and aspects rather than patriarchal. efforted, calculated, controlled, mechanical/projected creation based on overpowering elements.
As I begin integrating more consciously my own disembodied aspects, I also am given to understand that the feminine/female entities are created by the disembodied aspects which are male/masculine to fill the void left from being 'rejected'/disowned/separated from their source. So 'God' gave birth to goddesses when it rejected aspects of it's self which resemble The Dance out of resentment for the rejection/separation or creates female counterparts, gods will pair up with other disembodied aspects' created feminine replacements, pairings giving birth to offspring and on and on it goes.
Now all these aspects are being called home to be owned up to and 'owned', healed and made whole.
As with all that comes through to me beginning with a single profound statement, expansion upon it, depths of it, implications of it and further clarifying of these will continue to be given in bits and pieces as and when appropriate. Undoubtedly more shall be coming...........
Next morning----I had felt left hanging on the re-integrating. Will that which we call God return to become a part of The Dance? Will disembodied entities be literally re-embodied, reabsorbed into their mother/human? I woke knowing the answer is "No.". Can a child return to it's mother's womb? No, her body has already changed to accommodate a nursing infant and her womb transformed into an environment that rejects occupation. The child has also changed to draw breath and can't go back to holding that breath. Expansion of both parties makes it impossible to go back. So, reintegration, re-embodiment is a "coming to terms with" that which was "disowned" and the reforming of an expanded version of that which was disowned. It is more akin to regrowing a limb as a lizard will it's tail and a starfish a 'leg'. Many in the New Age circles are speaking of the return of their "I AM presence"; that would be a case of "possession". That would mean the regrown "I AM" presence subjects it's self to the old "I AM" presence. What we would choose if we desire a change in our experience is the 'regrowing' of a new, expanded "I AM" presence which facilitates health and well-being. That will happen naturally if we have been working on conscious creation and expansion ourselves, learning the ways of health and well-being, on having a fully integrated experience.

The Hodge-podges of clearing-My day is perfect

      Woke this morning and began as most of us begin: looking ahead into the day. Anxiety began to come up and attempt to direct my thoughts into the mix. I remind myself; "This is not about my day ahead, my day is perfect" and that which was attempting to push the anxiety away from it's self into the head draws it back in. There are no words for it,this anxiety. I cannot help but think of how this must be like what is to be like as child. Change comes, we have no word for it. It's growth spurt, an expansion of perception and/or awareness. We see it in children: unable to grasp a concept no matter how you try to explain it to them-something like time, distance or some aspect of physical living. Then one day they wake up grasping it perfectly and we realize it had nothing to do with the teaching we did/attempted but with their "stage of development". So, that which is within me has reached the cusp of a new stage of development, change to it is coming in and it's painful but it's hanging in there, allowing the expansion to happen because we know what it is. It's a natural process so it's going end up well quite naturally. So, it is acting wisely and not projecting, not pushing to have it projected into this reality, this experience, the day ahead. It really is only all about me. ......a gesture while before a mirror, the sense of my mother's face reflecting back wants to creep in which always haunted and disturbed me: "she was young once, full of hope and love, she fell into traps of consciousness and that's quite a normal thing. No need to be disturbed by the idea that this version of me with renewed youth, love and hope might look like her then. It's a beautiful thing. She was always told she was beautiful, pretty, good at dancing. To be a reflection of her in that state would not be to be ugly." The anxiety is drawn back in. "A prophet is never accepted in his home town" tries to get projected toward upcoming interaction with family...."no, that was because when love for self is absent, the belief that anything good could from within the group 'self'' was impossible but now we live in age where love for self is a priority and people believe they can do great things and people who believe they can do great things accept that one from among them can as well". We will or won't be accepted on an individual basis and then it will be about them and how much love they have for themselves.
   Last night I realized I had a personal stigma/unproductive meme of my own about physical health, strength, well-being. Something about limiting it only to physical work, labor, productive within my circumstances and working out in a gym or to workout videos or structure of any sort was just 'vanity' and thus unable to actually truly contribute to health. It came so naturally as a child, without efforting, I was looking for a way to bring that back into my experience. So, we are releasing that bit of jazzed up junk consciousness this morning.
  Integrating, integrating, integrating!
  I remind myself again: my day is all arranged and energetically perfectly aligned to me. If I am vulnerable due to integrating, extra support is already there waiting to be given. The child who would have chimed in as we do when tying our shoes or zipping up our own clothes during those stages of development "I can do it myself!"......the melting away of resistance to letting support in. Some times we need the extra hand when in these stages of development and we give up struggling with the tying and zipping "Let Mommy do this for you, your coordination will come when it's ready". Again "my day is perfectly aligned to me...." wanting to creep in is "even if a wake-up call is needed", oh, doesn't that just feel juicy? NOT! but sure, come on in, it's whole anxiety party, why not you, too? It would not have been given if I wasn't able to handle it......those hurt especially, knowing that something needs "correcting"........it's simply an expansion, an "awakening to" and we can take this thing and we can accept it humbly and it can be delivered softly, non-threatening, not embarrassing: we're all still learning, more than ever before greater and greater aspects are awakening and needing alerting to, A "You can do better does not mean we haven't been doing the best we can do, it simply means that now, today, in this module, this moment more is available inus and thus from us and we CAN keep the pace or it would not have been given, so take a deep breath, don't focus on it, simply allow it to be integrate. it does not need to be 'personally' taken."
  The day ahead is perfectly aligned to me: in service to, in support of my development. Not one bit of it is meant to be "mean", O.K., so a vessel used might only be able to be used if they can bring it through ina tone that is mean, but that is them, the meanness it's self has nothing to do and is not meant for you....and oh, look, I have my period-delight comes in at this validation: it is a time of clearing! A part of our natural cycle, I am in alignment with the natural me, clearing precisely when and how I'm supposed to! Resistance is absent and I am full of allowance and perfect timing. Synchronicity governs my world this and every morning. Ducks are all in a row for our journey. I can trust this, my, and every day perfectly. I am reminded I would normally get an ominous feeling on a mornings such as these, it is absent, but come on in and join the party tailor made for me, for this moment, this moment of clearing. Never again shall I have an "ominous" morning, full of anxiety for the day ahead, thoughts projecting forward into it to shake up it's perfect alignment with ease and peace and grace and joyful living. The path of greatest allowance is for me! Wanting to chime in on this is "both the positive AND negative" which would have been threatening but now I know even negative is positive and just there to trigger further expansion within me: not question myself, my maturity, my abilities, my intelligence, my capabilities but to draw my attention to a greater perspective now available to me......initiation into, facilitating of, bringing awareness to a growth spurt...that greater which I am now capable of-reason to be celebrating! I am capable of seeing a great variety of perspectives. I am capable of taking the 'good' with the 'bad', filtering so that I can focus on that which I do want while giving that which I do not what it needs for it's own expansion. An artist, an artist of consciousness and love and acceptance....that is me! It is what I be. Both grounded and elated aware of both levels and dancing in between as they spiral out in opposite directions, two side to the same coin of energy, holding this space as they draw back in, coming into a state of wholeness. Holding this space for myself as they become integrated....they are like yo-yos on strings spinning outward and back in again. The yo-yo queen!-light hearted playing. It's hands off the steering wheel morning....letting the "universe" do it's thing for me while I do my yo-yo queen thing. Pretty darn handy to have a universe in support of one's doing, don't ya think?
  And then I sense tendrils of essence, one might say magic, like smoke wafting up, being released from my tailbone to re-encompass me. The idea hits me that I had been walking through life stark naked, disembodied pieces......That is what will be happening to me this week: my re-encompassing. There is rejoicing with the re-encompassing, the restoration of my "bubble" with acknowledgement of sadness at no longer being amongst the naked (included in something, just like 'everybody'), remembering resentment at it being 'taken', the need for that to happen and all those feelings of negativity associated with this thing. Re-encompassing. Restoration. A beautiful thing, like a gown, a princess spinning in her new digs, delighted with her "bubble" of golden, magical essence, the gilding she so resented 'having' to see the world through. It is back again and it is NOT a problem. It is welcome in me. Somehow, my accepting it sets the world free. it is released of me, the 'problems' I used to bring. Free of me. Free of maintaining anything. I am re-encompassing.
We shall be weaving a magical being with magical experiences into a common reality of mundane/mechanical thinking and perceiving so we shall have to respect those in charge of keeping that shared reality coherent to a appropriate degrees for the sanity of those trapped in it while trusting the inner knowings that will here and there guide us to "blow it", blow holes in it for those ready for an awakening to expanding potentials of being. Intricate and subtle, harsh and demanding a dance of degrees and finery.

A Place called home and sacred stories

     The first time I woke this morning I was being given to know experience that from which we all come. Whether we've ever experienced it or not, whether we've ever been told of it or not we all come from this 'place'. I was filled with well-being and quiet joyousness.
     The second time I woke it was again, or still, as one with this 'home' from which we all come and I was being given to know that even if we had never personally set foot in it, we could all, each and every one, "return" to it.
     The third time I woke, again or still, in this state of oneness with it I was given to know in reference to irritation I had been experiencing that a man had injected me with his resentment. I was reminded in thought as I woke more fully and knew I wasn't going back to sleep; it would not have 'stuck' to me if I didn't already have some of my own. And who doesn't become resentful as a teen or even as a child?! Nothing to be resisting.
    I was then given in thought: those stories our children tell that do not agree with what we know to have happened are important SACRED moments. They are choosing their reality that they are being given to experience.......from this place called "HOME". Now this is not going to be at first an easy acceptance for most. It is known in our world as "psychosis".
   I began to notice the phenomenon with my oldest child. She would tell me what was going on recanting stories of her own experience. "Trouble" was: they were a mish-mash of memories of my own I had shared with her or with someone while she overheard. So, for instance, in one 'memory' of 'her own' which she shared, she had combined a memory of my own with an experience I would have told that belonged to my sister.
   When she was thirteen years old the movie "Thirteen" (or "13") came out. I saw the preview and thought off-handedly it was something I wouldn't rent because it was something she didn't need to see. Within days she came back from a friend's house telling me about how she had seen the movie. She was enchanted by it. She wanted that experience for herself: mother and daughter violently dramatic conflict. It simply wasn't given to me to embody. She hit me and I flattened her out without blinking or harming her in any way. I was too "mature" and energetically "too big", too much a 'master' of these things to play out the little drama of high school level girl fighting between mother and daughter. No judgement against it, I could see the allure of it: the adrenaline, the passion....the 'fun' of it. It simply wasn't for me. that was when her step-mother became her mother. They've gotten into fist fights and play mental and emotional games with one another, undermine her father together, etc. A head trip in spades.
  As a child and teen I did not have the ability to rebel against my parents. I would be punished for things I didn't do but would never argue it. I would never try to explain. I simply took and accepted it. Whatever. I was good at being alone anyways. Grounding me was never really a punishment. If I had any resentment it was too deeply hidden from me. So, my daughter is living my "unlived life" of a teen in conflict with her teen mentality mother being embodied by her step mother.
   That is the paradox of parenting. We ARE absolutely responsible for how our children turn out and at the same time, we absolutely are NOT and what your child becomes has nothing to do with you: it's given them from this place called "Home".
  As I process all of this morning's gifts, I'm practicing that which I have been given to practice recently: let my subconscious process it. Remind the brain to give it up and give it over. It'll come back to 'us' all clean and with perfect clarity until it meets something that causes it's expansion and then back into the subconscious/"home" it goes. The brain's only job in this case is to remain open for what is going to come up out of the 'subconscious', deep within the body/"home". Allow the pain to flow without needing to explain-if explanation is needed it will be given so that the mind can 'click' with a new perspective of understanding.
  A part of me that still wants to be a 'dependent' comes up with it for loving attention and acceptance.
Gut seering pain, an etheric need to puke it all up out of the subconscious and hidden parts of the body. Rejoicing at knowing resentful people will no longer be a regular part of my reality. Knowledge we are never alone and will always be 'dependent' upon the subconscious, home and outer reality for a complete experience, for expansion comes softly, resentment from parts wanting 'independence' and the spiraling process begins against, energy surging and flowing throughout the various levels of that which I call 'me'. Knowing if we resist our children's 'psychosis', try to argue them out of it, refuse to accept it....we only make it larger and more determined to exist on some level in them and in some place in our reality. It's simply a consciousness they're given to play in and can last for only a single moment if allowed to simply be. It can be personal but doesn't need to be taken personally. Sometimes they give it up quite abruptly when we play in it with them as 'just play' I've learned. The enchantment dissipates quickly. In the end, it is our lies that are the truths our children are given live in. We call their stories "lies" and psychosis, to them they are the truths they're given to live. At the same time, the lies we live (I experienced no resentment) become the living embodiment we call children to live in the truth of their existence.
  I love the feeling of 'home', the well-being, perfect harmony of the body in it's presence...no aches or pains, no uncertainty, no worries, no judgement of anyone or anything, no "need to do" anything....it's a blissful place to be. And heart melts with appreciation: it's a place I have been given to be! I always have a place with it and it always has a place in me. I can return to it time and time again. It is an answer to my dream of a big old house out in country where my family could come between life's storms. A place where one is always welcome, fed and kept warm with a 'grandmother' who always listens and always cares, full of wisdom and acceptance and compassionate understanding born of experience...."I know, my child, I know", even when it is all unaccepted because there is more of a 'drama' needing or wanting to be explored. HOME with "Grammy". Home with the sage old woman. Home with any flavor of personality present we are wanting or needing at any given moment. Home tailor made for me ;)

Angels with clipped wings..charitable giving and domestic violence shelters

     Yesterday was a "high energy" day. My neighbors downstairs were fighting loudly again, screaming at their two year old. I heard another ruckus louder than ever before but did not know what it was until my neighbor next door came calling with a request. His daughter has been bringing home a guy with a warrant out for his arrest who had just stolen over $200 from her father. The louder ruckus was her father kicking the boyfriend out of his apartment and the boyfriend throwing beverage bottles at her father. So he explained it all to me and how his daughter isn't allowed to have him over, could I keep an eye on the situation and let him know if the boyfriend shows up again? No. His daughter made her choice, wasn't ignorant of the boyfriend's doings and was going to get away with as much as she can. She's an over weight, insecure intuitive who has been shown 'new toys'(ways of getting things) by a tall dark and handsome man willing to fight her overbearing father 'just to be with her'. He didn't seem to get that I had said no and left with an "O.K.?". I realized then, as I felt violated in being expected to do this thing I hadn't agreed to. Then it was given to me to see, I won't be violated until I do as he requested. So, I had a choice and if I chose to honor his expectation of his assuming of an agreement, I would be violating myself.
   I woke this morning way too early (which happens when I have 'work to do' before the children wake) with a topic on my mind and wept as I realize I had violated myself on numerous occasions. Then I was reminded of how it all began........
   Several years ago I was "caught up in vision", which means I saw nothing and heard no voices while experiencing a heightened state of being and given a sense of things. I was chosen to go from congregation to congregation with "the truth". "Oh, I'd be traveling 'preacher', embraced by those seeking truth, honesty about spiritual things!", thought me. Of course when in a heightened state of being everything feels full of spirit and like the best of all things. Instead I was plunged into homelessness and deprivation. No matter what I did to set down roots it was somehow undermined, I was placed in physically violent circumstances where I had to "escape" 'god-fearing' men who wanted to 'help'. I was sooo confused until I 'heard' again, 'caught up in vision': "Now you know why I judge people as I do".
   So what was the reason? What was I experiencing throughout all this as I brought 'truth' and honesty to 'congregations' of 'believers' and 'faithful' and 'do-gooders'/'righteous' all over this country?
   So many refer their own children, friends, neighbors and strangers they meet in need to charitable organizations and government welfare agencies. What they do not realize is this: government agencies treat their agency policies as laws. They have no legal right to enforce work and education programs and conditions to receiving benefits. Food, shelter.....life's necessities are an unalienable right to life and freedom. So, instead of laws, they make agency policies which their employees follow, depriving people of their rights in exchange for getting their needs met. When we sign the agreements to abide by agency rules in order to get the means to food and other necessities, we violate ourselves. We sacrifice our right to self-determination in exchange for our right to be fed and sustained.
   Your homeless and domestic violence shelters are primarily run by religious organizations. In order to reside in these one must relinquish their right to freedom of religion. They must subject themselves and their children to religious services or face (we believe) freezing to death in the streets. At the very least, not availing one's self of shelters means harassment by locals and police for 'loitering', 'trespassing', 'vagrancy', 'breaking and entering', etc. People actually complain if a hungry person stands outside a store with a sign. the very sight of them soooo disturbing to the consciences of shoppers they cannot bear to see them in plain sight-confine them to shelters and bread lines! One domestic violence shelter WAS new age run, receiving government help and their policy was the opposite: no religious expression allowed. No giving thanks before your meals and no spiritual discussions in "public spaces" (where other residents could overhear). Not being allowed in oneanother's rooms, that meant no where on the premises.
   Another violation of our own right to self-determination one must agree to in most cases is the right to protect your children's right to self-determination by the practice of home schooling one's children. One must place their children in public school as a condition upon entering most any shelter. One did not require it but DID require you violate your religious freedoms by attending services twice a day.
    There was only ONE shelter in this entire country I came across that honored all aspects of our right to self-determination. It is a domestic violence shelter in Connecticut. They even went so far as finding the means for professional Easter photos to be paid for one mother and her children because it was part of her yearly tradition, a part of maintaining as much of a "normal" experience (a manner to which they were accustomed) as possible for mother and children. I do not give the name because generally when an exception is discovered, that is quickly 'remedied' by those who LIKE it the other way.
  So it went with food banks, clothing banks......any level and form of charity so "freely available".
  Another phenomenon I discovered was that one must already have money to avail themselves of many services. There is no transportation to get to these agencies, so one must already have a vehicle. Food banks in some places can only be accessed if you're already on state benefits: proof in the form of a food stamp card and such is a requirement. I was told in one case I had to apply for heating assistance, even though my heat was covered by rent, or I would lose TANF (welfare) and food stamp benefits.
  Some go so far as require we violate our physical rights by requiring immunizations of adults and children against whatever scare they've cooked up for the public in general.
  At the very least one must consent to "rape" of all their personal details and information, submit to 'mugshots' for files in case their body is found at a later date and it can be identified, fingerprinting to protect the public from "double dipping" into the welfare system. Ya know what? Most just want to set down roots and get on with their lives. It's the very rare few who are going to drive from state to state to engage in such a 'scam'.
  These are all the extremes we've given birth to by allowing ourselves to embrace and encourage fear based conditional giving. I'm not proposing activism of any sort, simply sharing my observations to 1) release myself from the energy I took on for this "mission" 2) share with others why unconditional giving is soooo important. As a matter of fact, maybe "sharing the abundance we live in" is more appropriate way of expressing "giving": we own nothing for it is all given to us and so we can only share what w have been given/entrusted with or what we, as creators have generated. Instead of fighting the old(which only feeds it and perpetuates it), I am presenting aspects we would want absent from the new we are creating. Don't ask 'qualifying' questions, don't require explanations, trust in your ability to create the most loving and unconditional experience possible and if someone 'takes advantage' or 'mistreats', we've fine-tuned our preference and can give thanks it has been brought to our attention our alignment needs some tweaking.
  Let's stop clipping our wings and requiring others to do the same. Let us fly free as angels of unconditional love and well-being!
 So mote it be ;)

The Shalom of Sensuality

      "To touch, feel and taste men....to be touched, felt and tasted in return" is the phrase that was brought up from within me this morning. I felt no resonance with it, thus it must be VERY deep within. So, I begin to open to what may come in reference to it.
     Obviously it applies in some way to me. My oldest shocked a congregation when she licked the face of the guy whose lap she was sitting on. The congregation's little darlings became shadowed by "perversion". Just the other day my youngest daughter licked me. Uh, O.K. I licked her back. Everyone began giggling. Silly child's play.
   A stranger in a bar walked up to me and said "You love sex, don't you?" "Uh, yeah". He walked away. That was the whole sum of the interaction. I was choosy and prudent, but yeah, when deemed appropriate I had no inhibitions.
   This sensuality does not have to be literal physical touch. This is can be a purely energetic thing. So starved of it, we have energetic vampires and complete shut-offs. We have prudes and we have perverts.
   So, it is given to me to allow an appropriate experience of our natural dynamic to rise up from within me. Everything in nature, even that which is poisonous, has something that feeds on it. It does not mean we have to consume anything and everything we find tasty.  It simply means we were meant to experience one another as well as our environment in an honorable, respectful way, recognizing maturity and ability, healthy limits and such things. What a delight is it to "breath in" another's essence! To breath in those things we find pleasing in our environment!
  Time for me personally to resurrect, summon forth and gracefully embody the sensual aspect of this creature who has been shipwrecked by duality, extremes of deprivation and going too far and inappropriately forth......to discover the Shalom of Sensuality.....it then occurs to me: it's not about consuming anything or anyone, it's about allowing ourselves to fully BREATHE in our experiences, focus on and delight in the aspects we delight in and then breathing them out again while we dwell joyfully on the 'taste' of the delightful aspects for as long as they last within us. And it is further given to me: that is reason for 'shocking' behavior like a child suddenly licking your face-they are being used to remind you to breath. They're kind like 'shock treatments' for the lungs instead of the hearts:)

Brother and sister stuff

     I woke this morning with thoughts in my head of me guessing "Oh, that must be my team" and I began to imagine power scenes but was given to understand it was head distraction. There is a process of clearing needed and it's deep and those thoughts were a distraction so I wouldn't face it, whatever it is.
   I write publicly because it forces me to be honest. Others may not find that to be true of others or themselves, but I know if I am dishonest I will only draw insincere supporters in their own states of denial that if I so chose I could feed off of to support my darkness, my blind spot in a matter. The opposers would be viscous, tenaciously hitting that nerve, provoking me to feel the wound...perverting it to an extreme so I fight it and expose it or become even further dug in and committed to denial of it. I do not want a blind spot in me, something everyone else can see but I cannot even begin to fathom. I do not want resistance fighting off the extreme accusations would grow in me because I do not want to spend the rest of my life fighting anything. I love peace. So, I bring it all out: the extreme perversions said to me and the deepest truths about me that are hiding within but always coming from without to bite me. Pay attention to the "out of left field" questions we feel are completely irrelevant. They hold a message.
  So first, the perverted extremes of accusation: My mother went through a phase of studying to become a counselor and so, of course, we were all dragged into her latest fad; to a counselor. One of his questions was: you share a bedroom with your brother, does he ever touch you sexually? I thought that was the strangest question on earth, It had no resonance within me and my brother hated me. He beat me more often than spoke to me in any other manner. Later in life an ex told child welfare people I was going to mate my son and daughter due to some fanatical religious belief in keeping bloodlines pure by incestuous relationships. I was stumped. The most I could hope for with my children was that they don't kill each other, really. I wanted them to be more supportive than my brother was of me, but mating?! Recently a man was showing interest in me (many heartfelt thanks to him for being a catalyst for this journey) and I became clued in that he had been molested as a child by female "siblings" and mother figure (in the name of 'free love', New Age extreme of self-love and open sensuality 'for the children') and that he would, in his present state, molest my children in the least by encouraging them to molest each other. So, I dropped him like a hot potato..... before he could even see a picture of my children...... with love and compassion and a deep understanding of why he is the way he is and that if left to the universe he would get what he needs to trigger his swim across the humbling river of emotion without me (and if he does take that swim across the humbling river-which must be done alone-, the woman who then scores him will be mightily blessed, he is otherwise an absolute gem). Yet the question was a quiet observation "Holy crap, what does incestuous sibling relationships have to do with me? Why would I draw this thing?" These have been the "out of left field" accusations and drawing I believed had absolutely no relevance to me. The existence of them means I drew them somehow, even if they are an extreme opposite of what I experience as the reality of my thinking and beliefs. One extreme draws another, so the illness must then be I am not intimate enough with my feelings in regards to my siblings. I am not "in touch" enough with what is going on between my children emotionally because of my own blind spot and so their relationship has the enmity between them that my brother had for me. So, I explore the relationship between my brother and me.
  My brother and I are only 9 months apart in age, so we were basically as tight as twins when young. The stories speak of closeness and double trouble until "I left him" for kindergarten. I don't remember them. Reportedly he used to climb out of his crib every morning, let down the side of mine and we would head for the kitchen. There we would climb up on the counter tops to break out the peanut butter and jelly. Leaving a big gooey, sticky mess behind, we would venture out the door to play with caged pets who would be running free while we road our big wheels everywhere. That was what my mother reportedly woke up to find: messy kitchen, running pets and two toddlers riding around free.
  My sister was born just in time for my kindergarten abandonment of my brother. She became his sidekick and underling of which I have no knowledge. I do know school only added to the alienation which hurt me. I got straight A's and was teacher's pet. My brother would follow the next year and hear things like "I expected more of you, to be like your sister". I was a natural horseback riding champion. His saddle girth would loosen halfway around the ring and he and his saddle would go sliding off. We got Odysseys and I tore off, flying through the mud and tearing up the fields while he did a slow little put-put trial. He was growing up in the shadow of "she does everything right" as "he can't get anything right". I cried for him. I wanted to see him do well. He was my brother and I loved him. When in middle school I was in a bathroom stall while some girls were saying mean things about him and I cried. I wanted to scream out at them in defense of him. They had no idea what his life was like.
  My mother fostered the alienation. She couldn't help it, she was a narcissist defending "her baby boy". One grandmother would have me for overnight visits  because I was well-behaved. She did not want to have my brother or sister over, for they were not. The ultimatum from my mother: if she wouldn't have them, she wouldn't get me. So, I lost my one place of feeling cherished. That wasn't the end of it. My brother and sister were allowed to go with my father to visit his side of the family, but I wasn't. They were going to be afforded special treatment, not me. I was alienated. That side of the family, when we were all grown, would apologize to me for making fun of my mother in front of me, under some perception that I spent my childhood away from them due to a closeness to her; as if I would be offended by comical portrayals of her true charector.
  In high school my brother would gang up with others who wanted to gang up on me. We would end up in physical altercations that would have been life threatening if I hadn't developed a "crazy" streak. I became the one thing that man fears in this life. My mother's accusation "Your brother is street smart, he'll get somewhere in life. You're only book smart, you won't survive" type statements only contributed to alienation. Street smart brother ended up in prison a few times. On one occasion his parole was dependent upon him going to live with my mother. He gave my mother an ultimatum: Stacey goes. So, I was homeless for the first time as teen because my brother "needed her more than me". I was going to college and working. He was having drug parties in the basement while my mom was on vacation. Still, I was heartbroken. I loved him.
  As adults, my mother still favors my brother and sister because she can get in their heads and jerk them around. Family thinks it's such a pity that mommy's little girl, her devoted shadow cannot resolve her differences with her mother. As if we spent our time away from them while my brother and sister was with them doing each other's hair and nails. She was pulling my hair and slamming my head into walls, telling me how dirty and filthy I was, how I was going to grow up and be a loser. One of the biggest draws of a high control religion was the promise of "a world wide loving family of big brothers" who would love and be there for me. Oh, how I wanted a big brother who would love me!
   My brother and I never speak. It's been years. Last I heard he was an alcoholic becoming physically twisted by rheumatoid arthritis living with a drug addict, still having a dysfunctional control/abuse relationship with my sister and pulling my mother's heart strings as much as she'll let him in service to her needs.
  I never pitied my brother. I always felt like I was growing up in his shadow. He was successful in life in ways I wasn't. He has a place. He's in a relationship. He's close to family. He has friends who are there for him. He has people who would speak well of him. I have had none of those things.
  But today is a new day. I see me. I love my brother. I understood and saw and knew what made him do what it is he would do. I've tasted his hell. And I never pitied him because I had too much respect for him. He got what he wanted every time. I never saw him as "less than". I saw him as equal: two kids growing up in pure hell who should have been the best of friends if only we were allowed the tools to have such a relationship. We are well matched and well met. We have both rocked our approaches to our circumstances in this life and somehow, in some way come out as victors of it. He became master of what we were given and I became master of shedding it. Indeed, we are well met.
  My brother helped draw out of me a fearlessness of physical confrontation with men. I was never physically aggressive, but if backed into a corner, if I had to, I could physically kick the ass of men who towered over me at 6'3" with my mere 5'6". I never pitied men. I understood and felt sad for their emotional injuries, I could always empathize with them. I know it's harder for them to cross that humbling river of emotional energy but I know they've got this. They've stood up against ME and I am one intimidating little bitch from their perspective. They've never pitied me. While I may have argued differently, believing myself weak and incapable, the message consistently given me by men: you've got this. You can take care of your self.
  I do believe the spell has been broken and I am free. Well worth the journey and yes! I did not choose the distraction! I went for it instead-the jumping into the darkness. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm rockin' it!
 As for my effect on the relationship between my two youngest: I do believe it's now perfect.