I was watching the "Ulay, Oh" video and could not get enough of it, had to watch it again and again. It just wrenched something up in me. The journey through what that was and the effects of that journey were interesting as well as liberating. The basic principle is the closing of the heart to pure love. In order to remain faithful to that which had to be left behind/left unrecognized within us. This created resentment. So I had been vibrating with resentment, resentment about my own journey. T?hat resentment towards my own journey was felt by my children who resented me to focusing on my journey instead of on them fully, though if I had no resentment toward my perceived 'being forced' to take this journey they never would have picked up resentment toward it. They would have rejoiced in that which I was rejoicing in. Unfortunately my focus on and resentment of created resentment in my oldest who then felt a sense of competition towards my journey into darkness. This motivated the going even deeper into 'darkness' than I ever had, to prove themselves 'better' than me. Resentment and competition breeds unworthy, insecurity and the negativity is compounded. One must know one's limits when making such a journey and so I trust they will return from their journies because to be "better than" me......they would have been even more wise and sure they had counted the cost effectively-they would have had to know their own limits perfectly. Now looking back I see that this is true for at the moment of separation from me, my oldest told me of a dream she had where she had fallen over the side of a cliff while a "he" continued on through a cave where she then met him. She would survive her journey through separation.
As I reflected on all this, the idea that I had left my one true love behind to accomplish something......I felt something come in from behind me, stretching my etheric body. I wanted to puke immediately as a wound was released with all it's toxins into my digestive system.....mourning, deep lamentation. Watching that video, that experience and allowing myself to identify with it opened the door to receiving this re-integration of an aspect which I associate with divinity as it came from behind me-from within the presence, ever present, I can never see but I always sense as benevolent, all-knowing.
I did wonder what it was I felt was so damn important I would do this to myself and to my children: I had to know this resentment would occur and spread like a plague to my children. Then I went to sleep.
I woke remembering I wanted to apologize to my youngest two and let them know what had happened, why they felt resentment from and toward me. They got it. There was healing, tears. At 6 and 7 years old, that they get this shit, is totally amazing. As I reflected further on how easily spread resentment is, I expanded my view beyond my children, toward my neighbors with whom I have had problems..."Don't go there" it was suggested "their resentment did not come from you, they are a reflection of yours only because they had resentment of their own already, it did not come from you". As soon as that idea was introduced I felt a release of energy in my abdomen, on the right side.
Then I went back where my children were playing and my daughter was upset that her Lego figure had come apart when I put it away last night. She projected a slight whiff of blame/resentment at me, but it did not echo within me, there was nothing within me to latch onto or bounce off of, I absorbed it no way. I could 'smell' that it was hers and hers alone and she let it go. It 'smelled' so clean, lol.
So, I have danced and sung out my journey through this, becoming an even more expanded, free-flowing expression of love, joy, excitement, freedom. My two youngest are further liberated. We begin a day with happy. We emanate happy into our future. And it comes to me "it does not matter why we took this journey"...whether it be to answer a call for help, to retrieve something, to gain something, to save something, to prove something, just for the fun and excitement of doing it....we had to cut ourselves off from aspects of ourselves to do it. And in that way, we are all the same.
I am given to realize as well that expansion is pure energy. Once momentum is achieved, there is no stopping it. It is not like our physical creations which can be diverted, claimed by another by their declaration of ownership of everything in our environment. To try and stop it is like trying to use a stick to stop a freight train at full speed. No, expansion becomes unstoppable, we only need to allow for it to happen and all our reason not allowing have evaporated as we are introduced to the fact that our expansion is the only true way to help others and our very DNA broadcasts every bit of information to our children and any who share the same so that their expansion cannot be prevented...for they also know the reasons we have no need to stop, nothing to hold us back, no reason to look into the past. There is only a future which is already established for today's expansion drew/created tomorrow's, it is already beginning and so tomorrow must exist because the one to follow is already on the tracks and moving at a high rate of speed. The destination is already achieved and changing with me in every moment with every addition. Steady, fluid movement into a world of being.
And then I run into the neighbor I have had trouble with, as usual those in my environment are empowered by my presence. They have become more bold, more free, more dedicated to their relationship, more cooperative to one another's dysfunction.... and this boldness, as usual, makes them more intent on harming me. But now I know to whom to give credit instead of resentment that they somehow stole power from me. There is a new dimension within me worth exploring....releasing victimization created from when this previously happened and all was taken from me when my personal development empowered others who I had become physically dependent upon, who had the law on their side-their corruption reinforced by a corrupt system. I would have been jealous of their laughter, their freedom of movement, their camaraderie, the support of the community, But now I know I have my own form of camaraderie, I have my own community, my own freedom of movement....they might not exist in this physical environment, but they are no less real, no less physical. You cannot claim my expansion and you cannot take it from me. When I leave it comes with me for it originated with me. If one does not know how to achieve it, they cannot hold onto it. So, not only have I gotten stronger, their imagined strength becomes a weakness for they shall invest their future on it's basis only to have it leave....leaving themselves unsupported until they can begin their own process.....which they will because empowerment is felt and wanted again and so they reach......and their expansion becomes guaranteed unless they they disallow it for the reasons I know are no longer valid and they will be told by their own embodying of my borrowed energy.........but I saw clearly today during this process that my releases are born of courage....it takes such to drop the armor we had been using and trust something stronger lays beneath, for wasn't it what lays beneath we protecting and had created that armor to begin with? Can we let go of the perception that which lies beneath is weak? Can we trust that we have established it and strengthened it's placement? And now I understand their resentment for they feel this sense of empowerment, which originated and was borrowed from me and when I leave, it comes with me.....they blame me for thievery.....'Indian giving'---as if I gave them something and took it away again....but I never gave it, I emanated it, shared it and I cannot help that it comes with me, is a part of me I cannot relinquish. So now I know I do not need to feel guilty which would further empower their resentment and control over me....no regrets.
No regrets but I can cry for them briefly while I let go. None of it makes a difference to me, but I understand it makes a difference to them-a difference they themselves can achieve. I am at such peace.....and now a hypocritical peace comes a whispering...that of one with power over another, corrupted...or have I simply perceived it/judged it as such because it's presence in my experiences only existed in another when I felt to be the victim? Indifference, I judged it, instead of at peace with the (perceived by me) power to make a difference with a perceived unwillingness to do so.....knowing now it is an inability due to conditions, it would not be appropriate because we can only help ourselves in achieving the energetic conditions.
So I do not resist this "hypocritical peace", I allow it to linger until it passes through, is lifted, or drawn into the core of my being. I am comforted with being given the knowledge it is nothing my mind needs to mull over or examine for it's origins for it was not a product of this physical human experience or the mind inhabiting it.
It is given to me to to get the sense of how at my "quickening", the higher aspect had chosen to focus it's self only through me. This meant it withdrawing it's self from other human beings through which it had been projecting. All it had projected and not resolved in those other human expressions has since then been drawn to it through me/this human being. The example is given of a world leader who had projected the energy of hypocritical peace was no longer resonating with the higher aspect which had projected it/was expressing it's self through it...so it had found it's way to me. I was given to see that this is how the middle class of any society is always crushed by the drawing of upper and lowest classes being drawn towards one another energetically. The energies being projected by them become a vice crushing that which is between them.
The thing with "being in the vortex"-one becomes a part of everything coming in and out of it, pure energy flowing through both ways......riding all energetic waves......within one's body......
camaraderie was the wrong word.........awareness of others with similar consciousness to connect to in concert with through sets of conditions/circumstances/experiences.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAID_2iKO5Y
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