Stepping Stone Beliefs

   In these pages you will find a variety of beliefs being expressed, all of which I have explored temporarily and some of which I may have integrated. What I have learned is this: we take what we need and leave the rest.
   One example is virgin births. In the middle east this is still a tradition. A young girl becomes pregnant, she is declared a virgin and goes to stay in a harem of women where they look after her protectively. Was it a virgin birth truly? Doesn't matter does it? She is protected from the dishonor it would bring upon herself and her family if people knew a truth maybe: that the father was her own, a brother or close male family member. We can accept the practice of such beliefs in such things out of compassion. The girl is a victim being protected by "deceit".
   Another way one might accept the belief in virgin births is the ancient practice of being priestess in a local temple. Young women of wealthy families, even amongst the Jews, were sent to the temples to serve as priestesses. There, man returned from war whose souls needed healing would receive the services of the priestesses which would be healing to them. With God's spirit involved, his presence in the woman while performing the sexual healing, any resulting births were viewed as having been God doing the impregnating. They were God's children.
   Then there is the stem cell thing. Science has discovered that the stem cell can become any type of cell in a body. This cell's potential obviously began, lying dormant in the unfertilized egg of a woman. So, with the right trigger, sperm wouldn't even be needed for the stem cell to come into existence and begin becoming the various cells needed to form a body. God simply has to ordain it, He doesn't even have to be involved. Thus, a birth TRULY could be virgin.
Found this today after writing this page:
Babies can send stem cells to mommies
http://www.roomoffun.com/did-you-know-that-during-pregnancy-if-mother-suffers-organ-damage_1502.html
   See how that works? Stepping stones: a deceit that could be considered reasonable and thus acceptable to a potential combination of spirit and pretense right down to quite actually possible. That is why our minds should become flexible in accepting, analyzing and allowing in a variety of beliefs. It is the path to allowing our mind into accepting our inner convictions if we hope and believe in miracles, have an inner convictions that they CAN exist.
   So, don't be afraid to let go of beliefs. They may have been given to serve you for only a while. Don't be afraid to change your identity. It is SUPPOSED to happen.
 I am truly enjoying this new softness in me. Warm, joyful and loving, but not the least bit weak. Firm and assertive without any resistance and thus forcefulness, simply firm and reassuring. A stability, unquestionable. Security. Certainty.
    It is unquestionable and can be challenged, but the confidence is that it will meet those challenges, they will be effectively met.
    It is O.K. to admit we do not have an answer in a given moment. A statement can be given and accepted with confidence, even if we do not know how it fits into the puzzle or what it means. Ask, and understanding WILL be given. Give it a moment. That's all you need.
   "If it doesn't matter to you, why SHOULD it matter to anyone else?"
   "Because it maters to me"
Liberty is needed to support health and well-being. It IS a need, a requirement, financially. "Excesses" that bring enjoyment are just as much a requirement as having enough to sustain basic physical needs.
   And yes, it comes in sort of Hodge-podgy because we are multi-generational, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional. We do many things simultaneously. It is healthy. It is practical. It is efficient. It is effective. It has a purpose in being this way. It is not A"D"H"D", it is not a deficiency but rather an excess and it is not a disorder, it is well being. It is not hyperactive unless it is not allowed to exist within, in other words, if all attention must be focused outward, yes, it manifests as "hyper physical activity". Allow them to be doing inner while participating in outer and all needs are met, energy is properly channeled, much is accomplished and it is not disturbing to anybody. But, hey, if a label gets one social security in this system, nothing wrong with using it to meet our needs.
   I realized there were those whose energy I would take in and heal, then return to them. They would refuse, refuse to take responsibility for it, so I was carrying around a bunch of energy that did not belong to me. heavy baggage, really.
  I also realized about how there were those who would take understandings I was given, use them to control, manipulate, and abuse other people-especially men against women. They cannot do that with this energy. It is self-reflective. To use it is to be self-reflective or self-condemning. it has no power for those who would want ot misuse it. They have ot back down and out of it if they cannot use it as intended.

Nice vid supports a lot of what I had been coming to believe myself, my methods of journeying, and I think I might be "gnostic", lol. Checking them out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_9MfFewdTo

This is an oldie but goody. Some women are still pestered by this. Call me this, I dare ya! lol  I'd be flattered and proud.
http://www.vdaysouthbay.org/originsofcunt.htm

And always, just as a reminder, death doesn't always mean literal complete physical. It can mean death of certain aspects and the parts of our flesh in which they dwell. Thus it is that when Satan comes as an assassin, he "beheads" only the chosen ones; kills their corrupt belief systems and "left brain thinking", allowing the sacred child within to be the one and only "householder" in a person.

The Ultimate Sweetness

         As I woke this morning, a bit stiff and toxic in the body, mom's boyfriend was in the yard mowing past the window. I felt a real sweetness and decided to let the vibrations from the mower massage my body and that worked well. Trying to remember what I was working on, what I could be doing, what I had learned and wondering what I had integrated, how WAS my stomach doing? I got a picture in my mind of a sweet young soul knocking and presenting a gift to me. I wondered, OK, now that was what I was working on, is this my imagination? Started mumbling ot myself about, damn, it they are supposed to come in the body to the door respectfully, if it isn't just me and my imagination. Suddenly my youngest daughter was mad at me. Oh, shit. Oh geez. It was her and I had hurt her feelings. Damn, she is so SWEET! I love her! I love it! We spoke about it, think it's better. As stood at the door having my cigarette, I noticed other sweet little energies coming in with requests. I need a court secretary if this is going to be happening, I said in my head, laughing delightedly. I sloughed off some lingering toxins from my body. Then I thought, THIS kind of sweetness makes life worth living. There it was and there you have it. Exactly what I was needing. I began crying. Life is now worth living. Now I will begin healing. It was up to me and my body. Not even God himself could command it. I had to find life worth living. Me and my body. Now, I  think I have to go check my mail for something........
      This is also why I have been able to have so much compassion for my mother; I was a child just like my daughter. I KNOW EXACTLY how it could be that I would have drove her crazy. There is just so much info out there these days about such "Indigo" children, I had a bit of advantage in that I could access that information. Then I realize she could have as well, if she had truly gone looking.
     And this is why I have so much compassion for my older daughters. I was still learning when I had them. My mind was used to fighting off huge demons, hiding, analyzing, wondering, being hopeless and helpless. And I have been in the minds of their fathers, I know exactly how they think and what they are hiding, I know what my daughters are up against themselves. No, I wasn't there for them because I was too distracted, learning, I had nothing of value to give them in the way of knowledge until I had gained it myself. All they could do is observe me and all I could do was let them. But now I have reached a place of sweetness. A place of deep respect. I am in my sanctuary. Recently I taught my children "My space, my body" and this morning came the phrase "my body, my sanctuary", let's respect it. Come bearing gifts and knocking respectfully, with our human voices, shall we?  A secretary. So I don't hurt the wee ones thinking to myself in their presence or their presence in my presence, sheesh, lol. I really don't want to trample them. I am excited to be graced with the gift of being able to embrace them in my own sanctuary.  Let it be a place of safety for them and me. "They wouldn't be here if it wasn't already". Too many tears of joy and relief coming! "It is all OK." "Now it is all OK" "Today, it starts today".
    But that is why I put this on the internet. So, my inner kingdom will be respected by the older children and adults. "Until now, the kingdom was entered into by violence", there were no healthy boundaries, everyone came and went as they pleased. Now there is a standard set, healthy boundaries, methods for running a kingdom based on respect, for everyone's benefit, preventing confusion and animosity. We can be at peace.
     Then I am confronted with the challenge of what to do about healing. I used to do it by taking energies into myself, transmuting them and giving them back. The result: not taking anything in. If someone wants healing they have to ask, I am no longer offering. And I am not going in. They will have to open up and allow the energies to enter them willingly. So often I have been asked and they have taken but not allowed it to change them. I will not be wasting my energy. There are standards to be met by those who are doing the asking. Or observe, learn and get permission for yourself to do it.
 You have everything you need and could possibly get from me right on these pages.
 Do the work and look for it.

Oh, and something I had been waiting for did indeed come in the mail today. I also "heard from" our dog "Buddy" who wants to come see me. He also thinks he should be bringing somebody with him. I am not interested in the man. The dog is more than welcome, if he can behave. He is so awesome, that dog. Cute and sweet.

The White Horse is Riding

     This is going to be a real hodge-podge of enlightenment, journeying and either my own inner or THE real story of Adam and Eve. It's been an exhausting 24 hours since my last writing. I took a nap and woke, soon coming in from behind at my lower back/center a sense of urgency as I lie there quietly. Reminding myself negative energy precedes enlightenment so it can travel through the anti-matter, I felt the sense of urgency become a sense of excitement that sent warm healing throughout my center, my midsection and lower torso. And indeed, then came the understanding as I did a bit of stomping, clapping and singing to work the cobwebs out. I was feeling stiff and not very motivated as my body had been releasing toxins as I slept. I had that metallic taste in my mouth and it felt like the very marrow had been sucked from my bones, a complete loss of energy as my body had used it all for burning. And having burnt it's self, I experience a bit of dry skin and dehydration. No matter how much my fluid intake, my hands will get very dry and the skin starts cracking during these periods. And of course, the low energy and thinner blood keep me feeling cold even during reasonable temperatures. Heat on, I will still be in a sweatshirt and jacket or robe in the house on occasion or will take hot showers to raise my core body temperature. I used to think them early menopause symptoms. I was wrong, I realized, when I read up on ascension symptoms. What they don't tell you is that the tailbone starts growing and that is painful business. The higher consciousness needs a deeper connection with the earth to maintain it, thus the elongated tailbone.
    It was definitely the left brain way of thinking that was going and indeed, good riddance to it. It is the part that projects and what I hated about becoming "prophetic". It always made it out to be truly huge and apply to the entire world, when, in fact, it only applied to myself. It is the source of religions and causes and political systems, any kind of interference with the world around us. It projects it's self into the future, which we do not need to do as we radiate anyways and our energy is going there anyways. What we radiate from the center is what creates our future. So I some to the conclusion that any "prophesy" I am given only applies to me. Then I am reminded of when I stomped my foot, perceiving energy being driven into the ground, and not two days later Maine experienced an earthquake. Then I call out and am responded to by "Grandmother Lava", through me summoning up her strength to come flowing into my daughters, and not too many days after volcanos begin blowing in South America. But I know it is not only I going through this process, there are others as well as the Earth it's self, so we are creating this together. So, I am special and relevant, but I am not completely and solely responsible for the Earth's changes.
Some of the thoughts that came to me as I was waking and dancing the cobwebs out:
     Stating opinion to authorities (asserting myself) without agenda, expectation of results nor intentions other than self expression is what opened them up to listening to me.
     I noticed my major sins against humanity (things I would normally be strongly condemned and punished about) are suddenly faux paux no one is worried about.
    Then my daughter says about the rain coming down: "That water is clean. That is OK for drinking". Life-giving water is flowing and spiritual understandings being channeled are safe to take in and will be nourishing. I don't have to be afraid of anything. There will only be healthy things in my environment.
   The aches and pains I had been experiencing in my body made it possible for a handicapped person's energy to match mine and come into a state of oneness with it. Everything serves a purpose.
   When we are young and immature, we are victims of and slaves to the law of attraction. Its when we stop reacting in harmony with it that we become free of it. And you really can feel Satan approaching and defy him with statements like "I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing!" or "In this I  AM righteous!". It is only a guilty conscience or ignorance/insensitivity to the incoming energy or presence that makes us vulnerable to it. And by guilty conscience I do not mean we are doing something wrong, but that we BELIEVE we are wrong in what we are doing. We could be doing absolutely the right thing, what is appropriate and get punished simply because we feel guilty about it. And that is why people who do wrong but do not feel guilty about it are not punished for the wrongs they are doing. They tend to be left-brained, highly intellectual and completely out of touch with any inner convictions other than "I am always right about everything".
    I noticed I am experiencing skin irritation as I release toxins, for me that is common. But I knew the left-brain thinking was changing and physically, literally as well as I felt a pressure in my left side of my brain and my right eye had shiny silvery images in it's vision. Things like that never really disturbed me because I have sensed them happening and when they become acutely physical I had already been given access to information about our "ascension", the "ascension process", our "evolution", etc. Relaxing and allowing it to happen, not panicking makes it an easy transition. Fear interrupts the process causing trauma and damage. And because my thinking is more clear, less divided, more stable, peaceful, etc. I know I am not going crazy. My physical health is actually improving.
    More on inner convictions: what is in our heads are beliefs, what is within our body, our center, the core of our being are convictions. It is from our convictions that we gain power and authority. If the convictions are weak, they are powerless and usually give authority to somebody else. It is when one has strong convictions and a persuasive belief system that they influence other people. What makes convictions strong is consistency and coherency, stability.
      Then I began a reflection: Just over 4 years ago I had experienced complete enlightenment and freedom, healing, health, and well-being, drawing only good things into my environment. Stretch marks and scars disappearing, my spine elongating, teeth radiating, and all sorts of sudden physical changes with fearlessness and a sense of innocence about everything, indeed it was complete transitioning. I experienced what I was told was a "quickening", but I had no idea what that would mean. I had never heard of anything like it except in that movie "The Highlander". Then a part of me wondered "How the hell did this happen?". So, we came up with a plan that involved two men. toward the end we squeezed in a third better suited to the end needs. As I reflected I believed we were now taking it slow and easy. It wasn't until last year when I began reading the king James version of the bible that I saw the word quickening in scripture and began to get a sense of what it means.
   Butting in on my reflections came: A woman is freed upon the death of her husband-a person who is liberated from a man-made mind is a "woman" liberated from the law of her "dead" husband. We are no longer bound by marital commitments made by that husband. The heart, however, is another story completely. "She" must let go of "him" or allow a new heart to come in-one upon which is written God's kingdom. But it did not end there, it seems to be an evolving topic within me. For today I was given the perception that the heart never changes, it is written with the laws of God's Kingdom or isn't. As my left-brained mind is assassinated, I realize that the unfaithful husband of one's youth is definitely beyond redemption if he abuses and abandons his wife. As above, so below, as without, so within. Thus, there is no redemption for men who abandon and abuse women and commitments. So, someone like Ricky whose heart is hardened against his wife because she hurt him when he abandoned her emotionally, never asserting himself, is irredeemable and definitely not a character I want to get involved with. Not to mention, not five minutes after we spoke on the phone (he told me had to recharge it), someone was calling me from it because they had found it lying on the ground. Um, he had been in his apartment......still disorganized and lying. Nothing about really changed except that he became more cemented in his left-brain thinking and that is why he is experiencing worldly successes. So, though my last entry about him was a bit rough around the edges, it was an assertion that needed making but needed to be the polar opposite in energy to what my heart would normally be telling it's self; extreme self-doubt. I am worth protecting, people do flourish in my presence. When they took my girls from me, Lacey immediately got sick and was rushed to the hospital. Cheli immediately manifested a cavity and my oldest immediately began experiencing STD's when she "left me" in rebelliousness. My leaving is always resented intensely because my presence IS that valuable. A man is always responsible for a woman's condition. Amongst men, there are no victims. Oh, they play the victim so they can manipulate and abuse the women, but no, men are never the victims. And I say that with reluctance and sadness. Yes, they have emotions, but they suppress and abuse them as well. Reminds me of an insightful article about how the women's right movement began in response to hippie men not being able to wield authority appropriately:
 http://twelvetribes.com/articles/getting-back-together

    After reflecting on that topic, this began coming in: OK, so I am experiencing a second rebirthing as the new. Heart and mind I attained at first complete enlightenment took on the illnesses of the old to gain understanding. Born first of water(knowledge) and then of spirit/fire(understanding) of experiences. Thus I am enthroned in heaven (experienced "witnessing" this event in heaven this past season) and born into the kingdom as a sovereign entity. Didn't even realize that was what I was doing; cool beans! No, agenda, no expectation. No intentions. It just came naturally, is a natural occurrence. But, I always was inclined to follow "flights of fancy" whereas others might dismiss it for practical reasons or as "strangeness", irrelevant. That is when the story of Adam and Eve began:
    Stars or "suns" are God's daughters, the planets, His sons. God gave His son a human body to inhabit-Adam and "tricked" him into accepting his sister-in the body of a woman-as his own flesh so he would learn to stop taking her for granted, dismissing her as irrelevant and using her dishonorably to suit his own purposes. To teach him to take responsibility for his actions. This brought death to him as he refused to cooperate with the plan when he realized he was to be held responsible for his sister's actions as well.. It was fine with him that she would "be in subjection" to him, an extension of his own flesh because he was treating her that way anyways. But when she discovered she had a will of her own, it became a different story. Surprised and delighted, she hadn't known she could have a will of her own and decided to make use of it, assert it, curious and even a bit resentful that she hadn't been given knowledge of it previously. She didn't realize it, couldn't be given understanding of it until she had been given the form in which to process it.
   She had been the one nourishing and sustaining him. He resented it and took advantage of her ignorance of it. There was a conspiring against her, Eve, and Adam was not innocent in it. He just thought he could get away with it, deflecting responsibility for deceiving her by making her guilty, having been the "innocent" party simply trying to reveal how evil she is. He came up with thought that put her in action and thought the actions are what makes one guilty, surely not the one motivating it.
   So Adam became a worm, convincing Eve he was a mighty serpent who could strike and kill her in any given moment, transforming himself in other forms was something he had become adept at having had form long before her as earth's consciousness manifesting in animal form. He even deceived her into thinking they were "together in this", manifesting as feminine entities and bodies.
  In prophesying and condemning his son for an eternity, he in essence told them he would bite at her heels, but she would crush him in the head-in the end, she would be given the power and authority to destroy him completely, wiping off the face of the earth. In the end she would use it, giving her the earth and humanity, everything within and upon it. She won the right to govern his body, to fill it with her consciousness. She has gone forth conquering......Ride! came the command
    This is where the white horse began riding:
    She chooses a sword for each hand. It is the moment of God's choosing And yes, she is going to destroy things. No one believed her truly capable of it, really. She didn't either. But she is. And yeah, this is playing out in other solar systems. They won't even see it coming until destruction is upon them, the sword at their necks as she lops off their heads. She feels no regret. It's a righteous judgment. Any regret she felt she gave to her Father, who is the light in her universe. She is a loving and faithful child, He responds to her sentiment of affection and appreciation. It is her consciousness that will permeate everything. He sacrificed His only begotten son, the Earth's consciousness, for her health and well-being, His daughter, the universal sun and light of her Father. His son was deserving of death anyways, for all he had done to her.
   In her dwelt all along something that was mighty but hidden from her knowledge and awareness. She was always complete within herself. For humanity, it will be like waking from a bad dream. And in the end they won't be sharing this story. We're killing him completely and wiping him out from memory. No need for "higher knowledge", no one will be interested in or impressed with it.
   So there you have it, the past 24 hours. How much of this will spread out from me and become true for the entire planet earth, who can tell really? It has been injected into "mass consciousness" for certain. I may not be the only entity from which it is radiating. And I don't know if it simply an evil the understanding had to have at the end of it, or just an evil energy attached to a true foretelling so it could pass through the anti-matter but the last thing said was that women better get prepared, arming themselves because the true colors of men are about to be revealed, Satan's time is short and he will be dropping all pretenses. His declaration of war bold as hers. Her will is stronger because she holds no doubt in her convictions, where he knows his are questionable as are his beliefs/intentions. Her Father's will is her only intention and she believes in Him. So, even if she questions her convictions, she is still more powerful than him because the core conviction is this: she can trust her Father's instructions even if she can't trust herself. Self-doubt can be cried out after an event. 
   As I said, this is an inner process immediately and only pertains to "the earth and universe" within me. But it will absolutely effect my environment, the people around me, those worth saving. Those who aren't are wearing my old cast-off garments....my old energy.
   Also, at the tail end of part of it was announcing Christianity as the spirit of anti-Christ, something that keeps appearing in theme lately; perceptions of Jesus not so flattering. In the end, relationship[s needing a bit of conflict becomes a thing of the past and as does the need for the negative as an insulator to come in with the positive for in the end, the core become enlightenment, creating an entire vessel of enlightenment made up of the individual's inner universe and peoples as well as outer environment, community, physical surroundings. You don't need to manipulate and master the law of attraction because you're not drawing anything unwanted. Besides, one is never truly free until they are master of nothing. And you cease being the rock people cast themselves upon, instead becoming the flowing clean, clear water they want to drink in.
   As we settle down for bedtime, I am reminded of past "revelations" that I thought were delusional simply because they go against everything we are taught by any form of religion. The earliest I could remember was while reading through the old prophets of the new temple to be built by the Jews. I sensed that the gate they were told God would enter would be opened as the sun rose behind it and a woman filled with God's presence would emerge. Another time while it was given me to reflect on the story of Adam and Eve, I was given the idea that God put a bit of Himself in Eve to remind Adam he was not God. I told this to my mother once and responded with "Yeah, I know". Not that she ever pursued anything really but men, money and prestige. How would she know? But the energy behind her response revealed she was not alone. Then there was the belief that maybe the sun was the gate through which God's Spirit entered our universe and travelled to Earth. It makes sense that the earth's consciousness would be a male entity if one looks honestly at the qualities of life on it, the interactions of the animals and how it always come out of balance, destroying it's self  by the consciousness it supports in humanity and then having to be brought back to life again. God's instruction to Adam was to subdue the Earth: "get yourself under control, boy." Which he never did accomplish. The sun restores him from the brink of complete destruction, the moon keeps him in balance, he always had all he needed if he would just have a bit of self respect and honored the feminine aspects within him. He wasn't even wiling to make a go of it, easily discouraged and overwhelmed, tempted. But revelation of these things mingled with self-doubt about them reminds me of what I experienced while a Jehovah's Witness: knowing I was being called out but pestered with thoughts and beliefs that I was unfit. Experiencing how leaving the organization was indeed the right thing, that it was poison and had served it's purpose for me, I am inspired ot trust the inner knowing trying to blossom, dismissing instead the head knowledge and beliefs I have been fed. The spirit of the anti-Christ is in HIM, not me.
    More realizations dawn on me when it comes to the possession of my mother: how her eyes lit up and she was literally dancing in her steps behind her boyfriend as he terrorized the teen daughter of a single mother. I remember again the incident of her inciting my sister to a fit rage, shoving me into a refrigerator. Then the seducing of men to incite them against me and my sister. Her voiced venomous hatred for single mothers (who happen to be especially sacred the Father). Even in weakened moments when that evil spirit has left her, she feels vulnerable and abandoned and I comfort her, she bucks up asserting his methods as she remembers them, snapping at us for her own perceived weakness. So I give what compassion I can give her because when the day comes that he abandons her because he can no longer use her, then takes his hatred for her out on her, it will be her own face smiling back at her, worn by him, as he kills her, to the sound of his own laughter. She will be out of reach for us to give her comfort as she faces the fate she has chosen by consistently embodying him willingly, eagerly and defiantly. This "day's" comfort will be all that is ever allowed to be given her.
       Was watching documentaries on horses. One showed a stallion kill a foal abandoned by it's mother because it was born disabled. Modern society would feel sorry for it and cater to it's disability. Who has what it takes to recognize, acknowledge and rid us of disease and deformity, even if it means striking dead the carriers of it? In another a man who absolutely loves horses, as I always did, had the job of culling all wild horses from protected areas and the horses that were rounded up were sold to feed Asians and Europeans. Not something your average American could stomach knowing, especially we horse enthusiasts. But if we watch equine interactions, we see the mentality of these physically embodied angels/men who fight and express dominance over females, not given them free choice of with whom and when they would mate, where they would go, etc.
    So, within the feminine body resides God's presence and in this manner it is that it is God Himself, King of Kings, Lord of Lords ,on the thigh written, rides within the bride upon the white horse conquering.
    Now I think on these things as I am reminded of a dream/vision on the edge of sleep. The hand of God showed me He had given the picture of a white horse and I had set it aside. My response was "Of course, you give a girl horse, not a picture of one". Then the hand of God presented a line of brown horses and told me to choose from them. "I don't want a brown, you promised me a white one", I pouted within. But I consented and began browsing the brown horses. Then the hand of God showed me some chocolate chip cookies. I was told to taste the cookies and pick out the chips-the things I liked about them. I believed the horse was a set of circumstances as were the chocolate chip cookies. But watching a video on YouTube I was presented with the idea, a commonly held spiritual belief that the horse is the body our minds ride around upon.
   I began to reflect on this in conjunction with my relationship with horses. I was always good with them. Even my mom said I was a horse whisperer. I could identify with them. My horse, Shalimar, was my best friend and on him I was fearless. As I got older, Shalimar was taken from me. I was in an accident with  a horse I did not like or want to be riding. I lost patience with horses in general because they were too dependent upon my moods. They couldn't just go for a ride where I wanted to go without a problem if I wanted to work out problems in my mind while I rode. I wanted a horse that would know where to go without my constant attention on the road. I suppose I am at the point where I desire the same of my body. I want it to be healthy whether or not I am having a bad moment. In watching the wild herds, I observed how, yes, there was always a lead mare, but she always let herself be bullied by the stallion. Stallions would come and go, but she did always give over authority to whichever one did come. I no longer wanted any part of being that way myself. I am choosing to hold out for the one who will be protective and supportive, appreciative, etc. without being domineering or forceful.
     My body is the horse and it is brown, demonstrating illness, sensitive to all I am doing. I have been holding out for the perfect white body and the pure chocolate cookie. Or have I been wishy-washy about it? Doubtful that it could be provided. Not doubtful, because I am constantly disappointed when it doesn't suddenly show up on my doorstep as expected. I keep having to fill in the gaps with the less desirable. It occurs to me that maybe I shouldn't be taking commands. Maybe God wants me to go ahead and do it myself. A sovereign chooses where, when and how they take and respond to requests. It occurred to me recently to request that God knock before entering. When I had those thoughts I perceived the vehicle I had been wanting about to be delivered by Him personally. I received knowledge that He is happy with the decisions I have been making.
    King Saul was punished with death for doing a sacrifice for himself when the prophet did not show at the appointed hour. No sacrifice is needed is the answer. So, we await instructions and guidance, for actions to be taken on behalf of ourselves, actions that essentially aren't needed or appropriate. So if God does not deliver as promised, it is because the action was not needed. Now I am just pissed and this is what God wanted, for me to call Him to account on something. To assert myself. If I can't go ahead and do it myself 'presumptuously' He needs to do things in a timely fashion, as promised. Be responsible for His actions, His promise-making. This what Job did to win his freedom from undue suffering. This what I do now. I call God into account. I want my white horse and I want it now! He had no right to ask me to serve a third man in this journey. He knew how much I didn't want it. We had an agreement, he reneged on it. What have we learned? Just because someone is weak and would allow you to cross healthy boundaries, even requests it: you do NOT do it! That is like having sex with a child. My soul has been raped and humiliated. It was allowed because He knew this knowledge would have me certain to NEVER allow it to happen again. Even from Him. I never wanted a relationship with Ricky in the beginning. I saw one good quality demonstrated and wondered about him, but that did not mean I wanted to be bound to or by him. And I wasn't really. When I wanted the loving feeling removed, it was. When I discerned his energy was destructive, I lost the loving feeling and ask that he remove himself. I believed it was God doing it. What he was showing me was that I could do it myself. And there was nothing wrong with me doing this. It was what I should be doing. It was what I had been doing and hated about myself, wondering if I was dysfunctional somehow because I believed it was inconsistent. Didn't righteous, loving people get married and love each other always? But those destined for the resurrection aren't to be married or given in marriage, he whispers to me. I never knew that was what that scripture really said or meant because we were led to believe it said and meant something different. Ricky's appearance led to confusion concerning a dream/vision where I was told there was a  man being prepared for me. If Ricky was the last, as promised, then it stood to reason he would be that man.
    As a sovereign, I have every right to ask questions of the one proposing a request. I have every right for terms to be expressed directly and clearly in a language my brain can understand, not some vision with non-literal implications. Yes, I have to be clear within myself, if I wish to draw clarity to me. But I should not have to deal with the law of attraction and all this bull shit. "Do not eat from the fruit of the tree". Yes, that was a clear commandment, with clearly stated results. But I could ask "What does that mean, HOW does it lead to death? Just because it is an act of disobedience or because the fruit it's self's digestion would bad side effects?" I should not have to go spinning off into experiences at every little wondering about something. I have learned to "follow the energy" thus gaining understanding without the experience of it. That was needed, the learning of this thing. I have stopped seeking out the feeling of things that make something an undesirable experience and instead have been trusting myself, not questioning my desire NOT to have an experience. That, too, has been progress I have made on this journey. "Almost finished", He says. Again, I am exhausted. We just released something as we wrote above that needed releasing. "It is finished", He says. "For now", not ominously or anything, just that it is for Ricky to challenge the accusation within himself about not doing enough to win back his wife, "the wife of his youth". He did all that was expected of him, he is the one who condemns himself and thus comes across to others as guilty of something, this thing in particular. All is forgiven in regards to him and this thing and me. What the "and me" part means. Oh, and this being used to challenge one another in this manner is utterly distasteful. I do not want it done to me anymore. I do not want to do this to others, either. Period. End of story.
    As I showered, it was given: the command for the horse to ride, was God's command to my body. That is why my physical brain immediately began changing. It had been unappreciated. It's need to be stimulated and experience enjoyment ignored and neglected. I had come to understand how eating was not necessary for survival, it was simply another sensation given to experience enjoyment. Food was to keep the belly stimulated and excited, prevent it's boredom in between delightful moments. But how do we judge our body's responses? Do we detest it's horniness? Do we find hunger annoying when we are trying to focus on other things? Cigarettes and coffee are no problem, helps us both alleviate boredom, but when the body wants to refocus on something besides thinking, because it perceives, as our lookout, that we are over-thinking something, do we rebel against it? The body is our sun, our Eve, the god of our universe, the reminder that we are not God ourselves. The body sacrifices it's self, choosing to die if it does not approve of the consciousness residing within it, if it is imbalanced.  When "God" told Abraham He would make him a "mighty nation", his body was telling him he would be making him a group of incredibly healthy, hearty cells with clear thinking and happiness. My consciousness had to come into alignment with my body, not the other way around. It understands we have moments of confusion, but it has patience with us in this and gives us answers if we just listen. Like pheromones, drawing a mate to us and causing sexual arousal, our body gives off energy and signals drawing our experiences to us as well. "God is in the skin". Actually and literally. It smells like us and looks like us because we ARE Him in a sense. His consciousness is in our bodies and we speak to him through it., using it, using Him. "Do not believe those who tell you He did not come in the flesh" scripture says. He comes in all flesh, in all shapes and sizes. Just as we delight in animals playing with us: God playing with us through them, He delights when we play with Him through them, and each other's bodies. God wants to taste a strawberry, is that such a sin? We enjoy it as well, His delight in us, so it is a mutual benefit and attraction to Him. Our consiousnesses go to sleep when we lose our bodies, we have nothing to dwell in. We aren't even on the outside looking in. The body is the sacrifice God makes for our sins against it/Him. That is why eternal punishment is conscious awareness outside a physical body, unable to experience enjoyment: to be on the outside looking in. Not being to able experience, express, consumed with lusts and desired experiences that cannot be quenched. Description of hell were quite literal, except that our literal minds didn't comprehend even pain is a pleasure they will have to live without. I remember when I took a drug for depression. I stopped taking it very quickly. Sure, I didn't feel depression, but neither did I feel happiness, I felt absolutely nothing and that was intolerable. I stop taking it because even the pain of experiencing depression was better than feeling nothing and I wanted those occasional feelings of happiness. I guess in that way I have already briefly experienced an aspect of hell. Enough thinking, my tells me. Going too far into things for the moment. Time to pause and let myself be filled with wondering about something else. Which I always perceived as dangerous.
Went to get a cigarette: "Father, son and daughter, a holy trinity". Body, mind and soul. The body is God's eye on the spirit and soul, it is where they meet and where He meets them. the soul is the passion/feminine, mind, the spirit/masculine.........developing concepts coming in. Don't have all the answers yet on this or where it is taking me. Two triangles that had body separating them become one star as mind descends into emotions, they intertwine to become one being, the eye of God, Body, in them. Spirit into soul within the body, the body within them.
     I did not have to dance and sing to clear out the cobwebs, the cobwebs were telling me that my body wanted to dance and sing!
     God is in the body when mind and spirit unite and cooperate.
horse videos:
"The Path of The Horse:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&list=WLSRMh7_b8QVxwRo8f9PLHLtTBTZoII0GQ&v=TQUMAJCh1fA

"Cloud, Wild Stallion of the Rockies"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=WLSRMh7_b8QVxwRo8f9PLHLtTBTZoII0GQ&v=RUxK-rpE2DI&feature=player_detailpage

"Brumby, Horse Run Wild"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=WLSRMh7_b8QVxwRo8f9PLHLtTBTZoII0GQ&feature=player_detailpage&v=zgv00lndzQ0

Parental Example and Wedding Invitation

      What I realized about parental example: When I allow that which is bad for us in our environment just to accommodate what I believe is right about aspects of it, I tell my children that which is bad for us is acceptable and even necessary in our environment. To children, our examples are as potent as and serve as commandments. It is the basis by which they will judge themselves and thus be judged. In light of this, we will only allow types of people to be to us what our parents allowed those types of people to be to them.
     In deleting contacts from Facebook on the basis that they constantly sent me game request messages, I realized "Gee, I never did state to them that I did not want such requests". Before I could fall deep into self-correction and abasement, I also realized, they did not need to ASSUME I would even want such requests. Duh. Then arrived in my mind the statement of a question: " Did they even want an invitation to the wedding?". The issue just became universal. True, why WOULD anyone want an invitation to something if refusal came with harsh penalties? It wasn't a choice born of their right to make a decision. And why would anyone "properly" dress for a wedding knowing that as second choice of invitation, God just "settling", they were perceived as unfit, otherwise unacceptable to Him and then only to fill some need for self-gratification obtained by having His Son's wedding attended? Did not the Father of the Bride thus in his own actions and perceptions cause His daughter's and His own embarrassment?
    I already feel the universe softening as permission to send an invitation is sent as a respectful question. The fire is quenched.
   If I read my environmental responses as reflections of what is going on within me, in God's Kingdom, I can "read" today's experiences and mail as one would read a set of Tarot. A phone call indicates a moving up of dates, a speeding up of time, and earlier than expected arrival of something. Letter from one state's agency tells me I only need to state my needs and they will be provided if I observe appropriate processes. Another state, another agency indicates there are certain glitches in the system. In the end these glitches may be used by God to serve His purposes in meeting my needs. Another agency: there will still be situations that need attending where I can state my needs, asserting myself and the what is in the best interests of my children's welfare. Can become quite easy, once we get the hang of it, I think. Though occasionally something WILL stump me.
   I see people around me embodying the energy I have now been leaving. I no longer need to burn bridges to set myself free. There is more flexibility in the higher levels of consciousness for traveling between.
  My stomach is telling me I need to give it a rest for a few moments after intake to aid in starting digestion/integration. I guess I need to start napping so the "reset button can be pushed" within myself and my environment. I just may sleep for the next week anyways. But I do not wish to miss a single event made available within God's Kingdom, keeping up with what is being made available for information from Heaven. Just keeping pace. If I couldn't, it wouldn't be given to me at this rate.
   Yesterday I "saw" a thumb ring that I was wearing and today I "see" a diamond as though an engagement ring.

Reflections on a relationship potential: Aproaching Sovereignty

     So, there is this dude we shall call Ricky. He is sweet and thoughtful. He gives acknowledgement and appreciation. I want those things in my environment. I can get all that long distance.
    HOWEVER, do I really want him in my environment physically?
He is clumsy and disorganized, definitely not suited to my environment. While not obsessive compulsive about it, I do like to keep things neat and tidy so they can be organized and I can be more efficient when I choose to do something. If I want something, I know where to find it. Clean and sanitary, with a bit of my children's clutter now and then, but overall neat and organized. That's my life at the moment.

He deflects credit, does not give enough credit to himself, which means he is also inclined to deflect responsibility. There is no room in my environment for anyone not taking responsibility for themselves emotionally, concerning anyone or anything else. I am already responsible for two children and myself. There is plenty for me to handle. And I handle it well. I don't really want to be unevenly yoked to someone who doesn't.

He tries to have good intentions. This means he is trying to be someone he believes he should be with reasons he believes he should have motivating him rather than just being himself and honestly doing things for his own reasons with his own true motivation. This is dishonest. If one is dishonest with himself, he is dishonest with everyone else. There is no room for dishonesty in my environment. I cannot co-habitat with a liar. I will not tolerate it.


I am not so needy as to disregard the imbalance, sacrificing what is good for my environment and that of my children-which would be a healthy boundary between us-in exchange for emotional gratification.

Answer reached. Ricky's physical presence in our lives would not be appropriate.
This house in Maine is not one he should stop to visit on his trip, no matter how much I would love to see his face smiling. A picture is sufficient. And yet the overcompensation for insecurity is arrogance, and that is usually what his grin reveals. I may be self-confident, but I am not arrogant, having to project myself as being better than everyone else. An arrogant person would be a mismatch for me.
He may have done some changing, but it is not enough to have become a potential consideration for healthy inclusion in my environment.

I can love anybody, that part is easy. It's being smart and practical about it that I always had trouble managing. I believe it's called using discernment, non-judgmental yet practical. Always rebelled against my left-brain thinking, my mind aka "twin flame", yin or yang, whatever. Thought him to be cold and piggish, insensitive, impersonal. Highly intellectual. Very clear thinking and discerning. Definitely MALE and always horny. Shrug. I'm over it. My best interests. Together, we smoke cigars and drink Sambuca.

 

But woa, hold the phones! There is more to this story and it came out when I thought I had finished typing. The rest I won't be sharing. It will be buried with the remnants of me that are dying. It will come out in bits and pieces when I am asked specific questions, but it does not really concern the majority of humanity. It would do more harm than good in their knowing. All anyone needs to know is that Christ is risen and in many people is the potential for healing and life everlasting. Israel must assert herself to gain her sovereignty. The United States is a wasted vessel and will have to endure a brief period of devastation before she is resurrected and once again made whole. I know for a certain that God has been with me. I am His cherished vessel.

And as for the Ricky thing: no F*cking way will I be a second visit, left over for after little miss longing in Montana. Longing reveals inner emptiness, vacancy, definitely not healthy. Ricky already played that with a street rat with the face of a mouse. Hell, no, I am not playing second fiddle. COMMON F*CKING SENSE, not jealousy, so don't flatter yourself. A man who runs after rats and empty, broken vessels is not worth coveting as he has no REAL value to a self-respecting woman, or any other for that matter. He can't help the "helpless" if he can't even help himself.

Nope, the man for me will drop everything to come be with me and just me; completely.

"I will just be glad knowing someone like him is out there existing"

K, think I'm finished now.

And just when you think it's over, further understanding comes in. Sigh. So, here it is. I am not projecting this on any man, especially Ricky  But God is using him as an illustration to demonstrate His opinion and verdict in a way so I can understand it. This sentence came to me. "For abandoning the wife of your youth, there is no redemption". One must cling to her and assert his rights to be beside her even if it means imprisonment. Using the man as an example, the question arises as it did when last I spoke to him: did you kick the ass of the guy your wife moved in on you or did you sit aside not even objecting, being impotent? God used this example as a demonstration of how he feels about my "mind", the mind of a man, the intellect ruling over the soul of a body. My mind did abandon me and sit by impotently when "he" abused me so I left him. The perception is that he was so understanding and compassionate. And yet when I learned what I wanted to understand, see what I needed to see, why "he" cowered before "the man" I took up with because he kept abandoning me to him, he refused to return to me. I advised Ricky he should return to the wife of his youth and should not be initiating a divorce against her. He refused to listen, asserting it was God's plan for him. Not likely. It was stubbornness and gluttonous enjoyment of his perceived righteousness and freedom to pursue street mice as well as playing a bit with the priestess I was to him. He definitely took me for granted when I let him. That is all I was to my own "mind", all I was to my own husband, and all I am to this man. Yet my heart kept right on running after them in ignorance and naiveté (to which I say good riddance). The people around us truly are a reflection of what is occurring within us. And so now I say goodbye to my "mind" with whom I grew up and played with as children. A male aspect, not the least bit masculine. Good riddance, in my opinion. In my heart and on my mind, the Kingdom of God is now written. And my "I Belong Ring" takes on deeper meaning. When this is over, I will truly only belong to me, faithfully, with God's guidance, to His credit, with my appreciation for all He has given me. I pray I have learned my lessons. Sovereignty is a precious gift I do not wish to be loosing.

 

 

 

 

As for the real Ricky, the man who I got excited about the prospect of seeing: It was the parts of him that could acknowledge me, express appreciation for me, want to provide for me, to nourish and sustain me, dwelt with companionably, interacted easily and confidently, attentively, honestly and sincerely with gentleness and respect for my sovereignty, individuality, recognizing righteousness in me, sincere affection for my children, not forcing himself on me....those are the qualities I was embracing. I never did complete him emotionally, I simply accepted all of his emotions, allowing him to express them so he felt accepted completely. And so with me, he felt complete emotionally. Amazing how we project our feelings! What we see in others is not an illusion, but an honest and real reflection of ourselves which has been chosen and presented in the reality of our experiences as a witness to what is truly beneath. He is a very real person who just happened to fit the bill for what I was feeling about myself. Whether or not he progresses, I guess, is none of my business. As I change, appropriate reflections will be chosen from among those who have already progressed to where I am going with my consciousness. In the mean time, I continue to "preach the kingdom", expressing my inner experiences and perceptions, God-given opinions, in all mildness ;)

 

When it is finished, it shall again be a white horse I will be riding. My Spirit will be free with knowledge and understanding, respect and appreciation, responsibility and will be trustworthy instead of just plain wild, unstable, unpredictable, unreliable, a slave to instinctive reactions, passion, stubborn independence, rebelliousness, defiance, for other people a lack of consideration and lack of awareness of why and how there ARE consequences to my actions. In this there will again be peace and my Spirit will run free as it was in the beginning, before I took this journey into understanding why everyone else wasn't like me.

 

The good news for those actual people around me, they will be released from their "possessions", returning to their original conditions, with little to no memory of what they did to me, free from responsibility for those actions, off to the fate intended for them as a result of their everyday choices. Our war was never with people, but instead the spirits that possessed them, " the spirits of the air" that surrounded, them and kept me surrounded, including my own reflection. May they rest in peace.

 

Free of my "possessions", I now face my attendants. They weren't supposed to let me fall as far as they did, but in a twisted attempt by them for me "to gain understanding of their situation and circumstances" (which was really a desire to make me as corrupt as they), they also left me without guidance they were supposed to give, thinking they could trap me and be absolved of all responsibility. Not going to happen. That is why God Himself had to step in on occasion when He caught wind of what they were doing. In their wickedness, they took every opportunity to exact punishment and judgment far beyond what was just, righteous and necessary. For them, there is no sanctuary.

 

And now I see in my reflection one who does not clearly state disinterest and one who does not when to let go of relationships when they are clearly unhealthy/unwanted. What one is doing to me, I am doing to someone else. This is acknowledged and corrected. I am no longer so insecure nor in need of answers to come from others/understanding to be demonstrated. I simply need to allow it in instead of seeking to get it out of or from others. And I do answer questions from people who have no right to the answers, have no intention of being understanding. I know damn well they are not interested in persuing me or knowledge of my inner kingdom for righteous reasons and yet I give them what they ask for anyways out of boredom, and used to be out of loneliness and desperation/longing, which has not been experienced by me in a very long time, thankfully. I should take myself seriously and stop allowing myself to be included in their games that they like to play.

To be physicaly healthy, ya have to be a little bit "crazy". A little love advice comes with it.

     In light of all my recent understandings and information on formation of body, etc., it makes sense that to direct energy into the limbs and outer body, we have to be a bit defensive in that we should occasionally experience a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of being territorial, a little bit protectiveness. This shuts down an inner focus of energy and maintenance, redirecting it to the outer body. So, if we experience challenges or create them seemingly unintentionally, we are invigorating our bodies. A little bit of irritability will then switch our focus from outer body to inner, so we have a healthier heart, digestive system, etc.
     Once we realize this, we cease "fighting to the death." We cease going to extremes. We realize it is all just a part of a game we are playing to keep ourselves alive. It's OK to let ourselves get into the mindset when we recognize the limits between healthy and unhealthy, when we learn to keep ourselves from going over the edge. And just because we might occasionally feel a little bit jealous, we needn't judge ourselves for it. We accept it is a natural part of the process of life management/maintenance. And instead of becoming irritable when it is time to transition, we can laugh about it instead. Fear makes us irritable as we question ourselves, our intentions, our inner "goodness" and intelligence. Laughter breaks up that tension. Laughter moves the energy through the body in a form that is happy, positive and healthy, nourishing, stimulating. Fear, irritability close it down, repress it, causing illness and death eventually.
   It also emphasizes the need to stop projecting unless during this period of earthly transition it is an idea triggered by an emotion that brings in the contrast needed for others to reconsider their thought patterns and core beliefs so that they, too can begin to transition. Overall, nothing outside of us will intend to hurt us or will be presenting a real challenge: nobody is going to take anything from us or kill us. They are just manifestations of our need to redirect our focus. "Satan" then transitions into a bit of friendly challenge. It should only be a bit of momentary competition, never needing to become perpetual enmity. And jealousy needn't ever become excessive possessiveness. There is no need to abuse our mates with accusations. We could make assertions when we experience a sudden paranoia about faithfulness. Instead of becoming accusing, we could simply assert "You're MY Man!( or Woman!) and I love you!" You'll make each other downright giddy and the thoughts of suspicion will escape. They have served their purpose. Instead of screaming at each other in frustration and abusing another's appearance, intellect or emotions, just release by screaming out "I am SO frustrated!". You'll turn back and that wart won't be so ugly, it will once again be "quirky" and endearing.
   And considering the law of attraction: "that which you resist persists", there has to occasionally be a bit of tension or irritation to keep a couple close together. Stimulates the love to flowing if it gets stale or forgotten because you've been distracted.
    Makes me wonder about exercise now. People who jog regularly often drop dead of heart attacks at young ages. Sure, exercise gets the heart pumping, but it doesn't necessarily nourish it, does it? When we are young, we are strong without exercising. And what about those old lazy drunks who never really do much of anything but get into fights once in a while? Their bodies live long after their brains give out, or they'll be physically strong but die from disease of the inner organs. Makes sense, really. Energy is just energy and we can transform or transmute it, but if we don't transform/transmute the negative, it becomes poisonous ultimately, that is why mean drunks may live long but they do die ultimately.
    As for judgment about our occasionally being jealous or territorial, etc. w can remember: everything was created for a purpose. Everything has an appropriate place in creation, that includes our various emotions and perceptions.

Generations: The Street Fighter Generation

What follows is my response to one who expressed being disheartened by their being subject to the "baby boomers" generation:

While there are always exceptions, for the most part, we who are children of the baby boomers were subjected to parents either self-absorbed with secular achievements and mainstream traditional religions or the hippies, self-absorbed with their own enlightenment and love-making, relationships. Disillusioned by the self-centeredness and resulting abuse and/or neglect, those children grew up directionless. We sought neither because we saw both as fruitless. We cling to our children but are clueless as to how to connect with them, many get attached rather than bonded. Many try to parent and befriend. Basically my peers are all on drugs, abuse alcohol or are absorbed by some form of addiction, constantly seeking numbness to the emptiness resulting from a perceived forced participation in society's basic requirements: school, employment, and social interactions. This leaves our children confused and without foundations. It's a mess. And of course, baby boomers are products of their own parents who experienced financial prosperity and materialistic excesses.

And as I think further on it, the generation from which the baby boomers were born (our grandparents, baby boomer's parents) were themselves rebellious as they broke the rules of the church concerning birth control and divorce, etc. They rebelled against servitude in employment. They became, in their view, more "enlightened" and strived to be free of limitations. The boomers learned rebelliousness from them. Then the boomers' children learned disdain as the secular half disdained the hippies and the hippies disdained the secular. So, my generation became disillusioned with what their parents idolized while carrying in them their parents' disdain for the other perspective. Thus our children are full of rebellion, disillusionment and disdain. Yup, it's a mess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OqwKfgLaeA&feature=player_detailpage#t=0s


"As above, so below, do we not sing this anthem to our god, too?"  That is why they sleep in lonely beds of their own making.

Bruce Lipton The New Biology Where Mind and Matter Meet
A YouTube video
http://youtu.be/cLl7X5TkF_Q

In light of this, I think we can call the newest generation, age 25 and younger, "The Street Fighter Generation", children of the X Generation. Due to the New Age influence of non-violence on the literal streets, they take their street fighting to the their streets: the internet, waging war on places like Facebook. You can definitely see it in their mentality, the lack of discernment, critical and analytical thinking. They are all brawn and defensive instinct.