Reflections on a relationship potential: Aproaching Sovereignty

     So, there is this dude we shall call Ricky. He is sweet and thoughtful. He gives acknowledgement and appreciation. I want those things in my environment. I can get all that long distance.
    HOWEVER, do I really want him in my environment physically?
He is clumsy and disorganized, definitely not suited to my environment. While not obsessive compulsive about it, I do like to keep things neat and tidy so they can be organized and I can be more efficient when I choose to do something. If I want something, I know where to find it. Clean and sanitary, with a bit of my children's clutter now and then, but overall neat and organized. That's my life at the moment.

He deflects credit, does not give enough credit to himself, which means he is also inclined to deflect responsibility. There is no room in my environment for anyone not taking responsibility for themselves emotionally, concerning anyone or anything else. I am already responsible for two children and myself. There is plenty for me to handle. And I handle it well. I don't really want to be unevenly yoked to someone who doesn't.

He tries to have good intentions. This means he is trying to be someone he believes he should be with reasons he believes he should have motivating him rather than just being himself and honestly doing things for his own reasons with his own true motivation. This is dishonest. If one is dishonest with himself, he is dishonest with everyone else. There is no room for dishonesty in my environment. I cannot co-habitat with a liar. I will not tolerate it.


I am not so needy as to disregard the imbalance, sacrificing what is good for my environment and that of my children-which would be a healthy boundary between us-in exchange for emotional gratification.

Answer reached. Ricky's physical presence in our lives would not be appropriate.
This house in Maine is not one he should stop to visit on his trip, no matter how much I would love to see his face smiling. A picture is sufficient. And yet the overcompensation for insecurity is arrogance, and that is usually what his grin reveals. I may be self-confident, but I am not arrogant, having to project myself as being better than everyone else. An arrogant person would be a mismatch for me.
He may have done some changing, but it is not enough to have become a potential consideration for healthy inclusion in my environment.

I can love anybody, that part is easy. It's being smart and practical about it that I always had trouble managing. I believe it's called using discernment, non-judgmental yet practical. Always rebelled against my left-brain thinking, my mind aka "twin flame", yin or yang, whatever. Thought him to be cold and piggish, insensitive, impersonal. Highly intellectual. Very clear thinking and discerning. Definitely MALE and always horny. Shrug. I'm over it. My best interests. Together, we smoke cigars and drink Sambuca.

 

But woa, hold the phones! There is more to this story and it came out when I thought I had finished typing. The rest I won't be sharing. It will be buried with the remnants of me that are dying. It will come out in bits and pieces when I am asked specific questions, but it does not really concern the majority of humanity. It would do more harm than good in their knowing. All anyone needs to know is that Christ is risen and in many people is the potential for healing and life everlasting. Israel must assert herself to gain her sovereignty. The United States is a wasted vessel and will have to endure a brief period of devastation before she is resurrected and once again made whole. I know for a certain that God has been with me. I am His cherished vessel.

And as for the Ricky thing: no F*cking way will I be a second visit, left over for after little miss longing in Montana. Longing reveals inner emptiness, vacancy, definitely not healthy. Ricky already played that with a street rat with the face of a mouse. Hell, no, I am not playing second fiddle. COMMON F*CKING SENSE, not jealousy, so don't flatter yourself. A man who runs after rats and empty, broken vessels is not worth coveting as he has no REAL value to a self-respecting woman, or any other for that matter. He can't help the "helpless" if he can't even help himself.

Nope, the man for me will drop everything to come be with me and just me; completely.

"I will just be glad knowing someone like him is out there existing"

K, think I'm finished now.

And just when you think it's over, further understanding comes in. Sigh. So, here it is. I am not projecting this on any man, especially Ricky  But God is using him as an illustration to demonstrate His opinion and verdict in a way so I can understand it. This sentence came to me. "For abandoning the wife of your youth, there is no redemption". One must cling to her and assert his rights to be beside her even if it means imprisonment. Using the man as an example, the question arises as it did when last I spoke to him: did you kick the ass of the guy your wife moved in on you or did you sit aside not even objecting, being impotent? God used this example as a demonstration of how he feels about my "mind", the mind of a man, the intellect ruling over the soul of a body. My mind did abandon me and sit by impotently when "he" abused me so I left him. The perception is that he was so understanding and compassionate. And yet when I learned what I wanted to understand, see what I needed to see, why "he" cowered before "the man" I took up with because he kept abandoning me to him, he refused to return to me. I advised Ricky he should return to the wife of his youth and should not be initiating a divorce against her. He refused to listen, asserting it was God's plan for him. Not likely. It was stubbornness and gluttonous enjoyment of his perceived righteousness and freedom to pursue street mice as well as playing a bit with the priestess I was to him. He definitely took me for granted when I let him. That is all I was to my own "mind", all I was to my own husband, and all I am to this man. Yet my heart kept right on running after them in ignorance and naiveté (to which I say good riddance). The people around us truly are a reflection of what is occurring within us. And so now I say goodbye to my "mind" with whom I grew up and played with as children. A male aspect, not the least bit masculine. Good riddance, in my opinion. In my heart and on my mind, the Kingdom of God is now written. And my "I Belong Ring" takes on deeper meaning. When this is over, I will truly only belong to me, faithfully, with God's guidance, to His credit, with my appreciation for all He has given me. I pray I have learned my lessons. Sovereignty is a precious gift I do not wish to be loosing.

 

 

 

 

As for the real Ricky, the man who I got excited about the prospect of seeing: It was the parts of him that could acknowledge me, express appreciation for me, want to provide for me, to nourish and sustain me, dwelt with companionably, interacted easily and confidently, attentively, honestly and sincerely with gentleness and respect for my sovereignty, individuality, recognizing righteousness in me, sincere affection for my children, not forcing himself on me....those are the qualities I was embracing. I never did complete him emotionally, I simply accepted all of his emotions, allowing him to express them so he felt accepted completely. And so with me, he felt complete emotionally. Amazing how we project our feelings! What we see in others is not an illusion, but an honest and real reflection of ourselves which has been chosen and presented in the reality of our experiences as a witness to what is truly beneath. He is a very real person who just happened to fit the bill for what I was feeling about myself. Whether or not he progresses, I guess, is none of my business. As I change, appropriate reflections will be chosen from among those who have already progressed to where I am going with my consciousness. In the mean time, I continue to "preach the kingdom", expressing my inner experiences and perceptions, God-given opinions, in all mildness ;)

 

When it is finished, it shall again be a white horse I will be riding. My Spirit will be free with knowledge and understanding, respect and appreciation, responsibility and will be trustworthy instead of just plain wild, unstable, unpredictable, unreliable, a slave to instinctive reactions, passion, stubborn independence, rebelliousness, defiance, for other people a lack of consideration and lack of awareness of why and how there ARE consequences to my actions. In this there will again be peace and my Spirit will run free as it was in the beginning, before I took this journey into understanding why everyone else wasn't like me.

 

The good news for those actual people around me, they will be released from their "possessions", returning to their original conditions, with little to no memory of what they did to me, free from responsibility for those actions, off to the fate intended for them as a result of their everyday choices. Our war was never with people, but instead the spirits that possessed them, " the spirits of the air" that surrounded, them and kept me surrounded, including my own reflection. May they rest in peace.

 

Free of my "possessions", I now face my attendants. They weren't supposed to let me fall as far as they did, but in a twisted attempt by them for me "to gain understanding of their situation and circumstances" (which was really a desire to make me as corrupt as they), they also left me without guidance they were supposed to give, thinking they could trap me and be absolved of all responsibility. Not going to happen. That is why God Himself had to step in on occasion when He caught wind of what they were doing. In their wickedness, they took every opportunity to exact punishment and judgment far beyond what was just, righteous and necessary. For them, there is no sanctuary.

 

And now I see in my reflection one who does not clearly state disinterest and one who does not when to let go of relationships when they are clearly unhealthy/unwanted. What one is doing to me, I am doing to someone else. This is acknowledged and corrected. I am no longer so insecure nor in need of answers to come from others/understanding to be demonstrated. I simply need to allow it in instead of seeking to get it out of or from others. And I do answer questions from people who have no right to the answers, have no intention of being understanding. I know damn well they are not interested in persuing me or knowledge of my inner kingdom for righteous reasons and yet I give them what they ask for anyways out of boredom, and used to be out of loneliness and desperation/longing, which has not been experienced by me in a very long time, thankfully. I should take myself seriously and stop allowing myself to be included in their games that they like to play.