1st century christians not for imitating and more core beliefs

      Someone told me the other day that they were just grateful knowing someone like me is out there. I was put off by that, offended even. Isn't that just plain old selfish of him? He gets the gratification of knowing I exist, can daydream about me, but he feels no responsibility for nourishing and sustaining me, showing that love and appreciation for me. Then I remembered once pleading with God that he let human misery end, not to worry about me. If I go to hell it does not matter to me, please, oh please, just stop human suffering. Was that the same thing? Was that martyr type thinking and inherently selfish of me? I  was getting by pure grit and by God's good graces. Should I not live off appreciation? How was I guilty of not showing appreciation?
     I thought myself justified for being inattentive. No one ever worried about me, why would it occur to me to worry about anyone else in the daily scheme of things? People would get nervous if I went on a long trip and didn't call every few minutes. I would think they were crazy and clingy, maybe a little bit flattering, but really not important and imposing. Then most people when you do take an interest do nothing but complain about things yet are unwilling to do anything about them. They are resistant to change. I found that annoying and time wasting. As for my children, of course I loved them, but I was inattentive mostly, just like any other parent. I never worried about them, their well-being. I had no idea that maybe they were lonely, just like me when I was a child and no one showed any interest in me. And yet the attention I did receive was unwanted because it was void of understanding, compassion and abusive. Was I capable of doing differently? I checked on them frequently just so other people wouldn't question my parenting. Now I do it differently. I sincerely check on how they are REALLY doing. I have been spending the past year seriously working on being attentive to be people and their needs for attention. It was not easy to get going, but got easier and easier, more naturally flowing, more rewarding.
   And to think, God allowed human suffering to continue just so I (and those like me) could reach maturity. No, we weren't worth appreciating, but worth appreciating we became. And He knew that would happen, He appreciated the potential and so "sacrificed nations" and generations of human suffering. For me (and people like me). Quite humbling really.
    Now on to those first century Christians. The one called Jesus told his disciples "those who deny me before men, I will deny before my father in heaven". Three times Peter denied him. Peter was thus denied before the father in heaven. He is not worthy of imitation and his guidance not worth seeking. His whole ministry the one called Jesus warned them not to lord it over one another, to be servants, etc. Yet what was the first thing they did? They established a hierarchy in Jerusalem. And you can tell they did not have God's blessing because when asked how they should guide the gentiles in reference to the laws, they could offer nothing except to abstain from a couple of things.
    And what of Paul, the great apostle to the gentiles? His service to God was his prison sentence. He was worthy of death because he had been killing the disciples of the one called Jesus. He was under a death sentence. God used him like a servant then killed him. Jews have no problem accepting that the wizard who blessed Israel three times when hired to curse them was killed as part of divine justice for his intentions. That man did not intend to curse Israel and even expressed his refusal. He was not worthy of issuing a blessing due to his life style. Under a death sentence anyways, God used him as a servant then punished him for the life he had been living. So Paul being used in the same manner should not be surprising.
   One misguidance is that we should "confess our sins to one another". We should not be self-abasing. However we should be "preaching the inner kingdom", sharing our self-reflections in a manner that is not judgmental. We thus set an example and by accepting things within and about ourselves, by being so honest, we liberate people from their own inner prisons. I think an example of this might work is from an experience I had the other day. I have a friend who is just so over-obsessed with honoring the dead and being hurt by all the deaths in the family, constantly reminding everyone of dates and their associations with other events and names of the deceased being used for children, etc. It's a huge issue! I was honest. I told her I was there for her. I care sincerely, but I cannot relate, so if I behave awkwardly it is not because I don't care or am condemning her or am uncomfortable, it's just because I cannot relate. I have never been so emotionally attached to people. I saw in her a release. I was relieved thinking she was accepting my "coldness" and inability to relate or seeing that I was truly caring or something of that nature. When in fact, I realized later, all her fuss about death was her overcompensating for the fact that she felt nothing. She never got attached either! We had similar upbringings, neglectful and abusive parents. My self-acceptance allowed her accept herself. She was not alone in the universe, in her experience and her experience was O.K. She was released from an inner prison she had created; an enslavement to honoring the dead obsessively.
   And so now a balance can come in: attention but not obsession, not based on fear for another's well-being but sincere appreciation and until all are brought into a state of healing, the attention they need to nourish and sustain their development.
    More on the first century Christians; the one called Jesus was sustained by women. They were the true servants and yet they never received acknowledgement. Who was brave enough to be seen in public? To go to the grave to witness that maybe he had been resurrected? Who was at the crucifixion? Sure, one apostle but all the women. Let us reflect as well, upon advice about the behavior or women: they were to cover their heads and be in subjection. Few people realize this was NOT advice given to make women more godly or God fearing. It was advice given based on fear of the fallen angels and tempting angels to become fallen. As recorded in the book of Enoch, the angels fell because they were enchanted by the hair of women, thus if women covered their heads, they would be less tempting to angels that tend the congregation when it gathers. The subjection to husbands was an admonition to go into hiding "beneath" their husbands so their husbands could be protective barriers between the women and angels who might be tempted by them. NONE of this is loving: in love, no fear exists. Woman was originally formed to be a man's helper, not to be in subjection to him, yet even that no longer applies because we have become a new creation and "as the angels in heaven". That is why we are not to be married nor given in marriage. God is our maker, not man.
    And now we have the new-agers and their "indigo" children, obsessed with making people more like them and performing parlor tricks. Shape-shifting and mind-bending spoons is easy. Try changing your own consciousness! Their parents believe we should cater to them, be guided by them, when we should instead be disciplining and grounding them. Reportedly there are people who can disappear and manifest elsewhere, going from one part of the world to another in a single moment. Oh, wow, isn't that special? (sarcastic) They can escape their environment but it does nothing in the way of making themselves nor their environment more bearable. It changes nothing and only builds a distrust for those who are gaining a higher consciousness. Security systems will start including force fields, lol. No, we really shouldn't be focused on trying to escape our reality by any means but by changing that which is within creating it. Besides which, all that "you create your own reality", though true in a sense is belittling to our intelligence. It makes us feel guilty and stupid because we "just aren't getting it" when nothing goes "right". It can lead to paranoia as we question our own motives because we are drawing unwanted experiences, we think. Or we accept WAY too much nonsense and abuse because we believe we are drawing it and so we are guilty and deserve it. The beliefs make us irresponsible as well as they teach everything is a figment of our imagination. "It's all an illusion", when in fact, it IS a creation full of "illusions" to stimulate an environment so we can experience independence as consiousnesses. Our bodies become our own planets, in a sense, on the earth as a universe or solar system in it's self. We are having very real experiences of ourselves as individual consiousnesses, which we were meant to be. This how we become God's children, in a sense that is more than metaphorical. We become little gods ourselves. Our universe which we rule is our minds and bodies. we become kings and queens within "god's kingdom", the kingdom within. We shower him with praise and appreciation because He gave us this. And this is awesome, awe inspiring.
    Then the news came to me: it was time with God, to create boundaries. He can come in day or evening and I do not even notice until I recognize He is with me. Then I am apologetic because I hadn't noticed, He sounds so much like me because I have become so much like Him. And my thoughts were turned to relationships, the importance of healthy boundaries as a demonstration of respect. We knock before we enter, even if we know we will be welcome. We do not cross lines, even if invited. Would our creator not also be this way with respect? And then I am reminded of the garden of Eden, how it was said that in the cool of the evening they heard his footsteps. It is not unreasonable or unseemly to ask that God manifest, reveal Himself in the form of body and announce His arrival, once He turns over our inner kingdom. We can ask Him to be direct instead of us having to guess. "What part of the Earth ARE you giving to me?". We can assume He is also giving us the means to sustain it, in this system and the next. We are ASSURED of a kingdom within a kingdom.