The Big Fat Beaurocrat

   It also hit me today that I am being given choices. I had only been given choices when there were no choices left to make. Always cornered, always without hope of better, I always had to settle for the only door that ever opened. Now I get to pick and chose how I want to do things and what tools I want to use. Another release of grief. I felt this in my stomach, each release of fear, anxiety and tension. I reflected on how I woke each morning checking for that lump that causes my digestive issues, not stopping til I locate it and begin to deal with it. It comes down and I begin my day. I realize that though it was given me, I held onto it because I believed I needed it to keep me grounded, focused, taking things seriously. Because I believed it, I did need it. Could I have done this without it? Maybe if I got smacked upside the head once in a while. I did use it to teach myself other things as well and God used it to teach other people. It's proven useful, but I might be able to let go of it now. We'll do the inner check, probably while I'm sleeping next. I call sleep the "reset". It is when any new thing is added to my consciousness is integrated and becomes part of my personality. Now I see it is the spirit that does the healing, but it cannot do it without my (and God's) consent, my permission. ("Permission is given" is here and now interjected). I got it initially as a sacrifice. I don't know all the specific details definitely but it has to do with my son. Someone felt threatened by my having him. They did not want it. I had to agree to take this on or have him afflicted with it. He is highly emotional and I was to carry his physical symptoms of his emotional discomforts in this system until he was able to carry them himself, become more emotionally capable. So he was born unnaturally healthy. Breastfed babies are supposed to lose weight their first week. Instead he gained a bunch. Once in a while he upsets his stomach with stress, but not often and really not at all anymore. He is allowed his emotions, I don't ask him to repress them. They no longer really overwhelm him, I simply teach him not to project them, injure himself or anybody else. Taught him early to breath through it, allow it to flow through him. I also encourage critical thinking, seeing the cause and effect of his actions and as his reasoning skills increase, his emotions become more reasonable. When it comes to conflict causing his big emotional experiences, they are usually with his sister. They are usually both at fault in these cases in one way or another. Reasoning and true justice in action does a lot in creating a less reactive person.
     This sacrificial physical condition was supposed to mean my death eventually. On more than one occasion it did almost cause it. I experienced serious internal bleeding and then near starvation. The women in the shelter I was in were sure I was NOT going to make it I found out near my time to leave there. Of course I when I began asserting myself I wondered who would require that?! Did they even have the right?! My questions validated it was unjust, but I was not released from it sooner because I WAS using it. I did become aware that it was allowed because at any time, in a single moment, the angels could heal it. Death was never really a threat so long as they were with me, though I didn't know it and the one with whom I had the agreement wasn't supposed to know it would never be allowed to kill me. My death would mean his death, his release he believed, but he wasn't ready to "go" yet.
   Today I was given understanding of what the thumb and diamond rings meant, along with several other pieces of 'jewelry'. Turns out that all along, God and Spirit WERE adorning me. If I want a ring to wear on my thumb, I have to go to the men's jewelry section. I have what we call "Bourdeau hands". They are not the fine, delicate hands of a woman. Thus, I am told, the thumb ring meant I have become a man. What does it mean to be a man? A man is king of his castle; head of the household and a sovereign being. He "brings home the bacon", making sure everyone has what they need to fulfill their roles, their responsibilities. This means knowledge, understanding, instruction, guidance, nurturing and assisting. "The bacon" is the spiritual responsibilities being fulfilled by "the man" being rewarded, the actual material means supplied by God for the good of the entire household and the community.
    The diamond, like an engagement ring, means I am loved romantically. And romantically doesn't mean flowers on birthdays and holidays, what a man thinks a woman would want because it is what she is supposed ot have and expects to receive on certain days. It is not always just frivolous giving. It is caring enough to want to come to know her so intimately that you know exactly what she needs in any given moment. For example: remembering her favorite kind of pie is pecan and giving her a piece on an otherwise mundane day when a little sweetness might become the icing on the cake she might have otherwise taken for granted. It is something that, like a good meal of comfort food, hits the spot. It's the little touches, physically and thoughtfully enacted to her person, body, heart, soul and mind...just the right amount of stimulation.
    Quickly coming in following that was my "wrap", it meant I had been made a friend. My chain of polished stone beads was being welcomed into a community. My backpack with beads in it was me officially being title of "Hippie". My nose piercing was me being cherished. My unique hair braid hanging from behind my ear strung with beads was me being made a holy woman.
    When I began camping out in the field in California I found a "wrap" made up of many crystals and/or stones. I put it around my neck after asking around, figuring the owner might eventually see it and reclaim it. Which he did. He was called "Rabbit" and was very grateful to have it. Very expensive and meant alot to him. Some time later he came back with a "wrap" he had made just for me.
    The stone beads were just given to me one day when we showed up for a meal at a local church.
    The backpack was left on a free swap table. My "Rucksack" was quite the impressive find in those circles.
    When I was a Jehovah's Witness and just really coming to know the bible for the first time in my life, I was struck by the love for Rebbecca, how the servant was sent with jewelry, including a nose ring, to adorn her, demonstrating her high value to theone offering marriage. I longed to be cherished like that. To be appreciated, adorned, considered a pearl of high value. This came when I was being guided by an entity called Suttholio. The day of the piercing, immediately after it there in the tattoo parlor on the wall I saw spelled out in spirit "Suttholio". No idea what the name means, thought the closest thing to it is an Italian phrase for peppers preserved in oil or something. Kinda fits as it was during this time I was inspired in the various ways of become assertive, especially using humor very close to sarcasm; light but very direct and effective at making a point almost veiled so as to effectively mock the person while making the exposure of their intentions (known or unknown by them themselves) very poignant. Assertiveness is a protection, preservative, a "saltiness"...making us "the salt of the earth".Soon after realizing this, I realized I had had a friend. Release of a bit of that loneliness I had been carrying. He is now again going. A friend, a TRUE friend.
   The braid was something I was inspired to wear as a teen. No one else was wearing anything similar and I wondered what gave me the idea, but I went with it. I stopped wearing them when I got married. Hubby was jealous over anything I might have gotten from another man:bracelets, key chains, etc. It was given me to wear again while I was in that shelter in California. A black woman noticed it and commented "Wow, that is the sign of a tribal holy woman". Later that year, God voiced Himself in me while confronting a man, asserting that I WAS (and am) Most Holy to Him. I'm just happy with "not filthy!" lol But yeah, Holy I am. I take it.
    Posted link about potential change to condoms on my facebook timeline: my comment "Healthy spirit, healthy mind, healthy body; sex is always safe". When all is in order within us, there is nothing in this world that can hurt us: it was never created for this purpose. You don't get "diseases", which are just corruptions or extreme "infections", presence of commonly occurring bacteria, etc. And as far as pregnancy; if that happens, it won't hurt us. We need not fear it for any reason. We are never given more than we can handle.
    Also posted another comment:
  When you are rebelling against something or defying something, you are really rebelling against your own self doubt on the topic in question. When you assert yourself, it is answering someone else's challenge to your sense of inner security, usually born of their insecurities; they don't believe such inner security that they see in you can really exist because they don't have it within themselves. When we assert ourselves effectively, we give them the hope and knowledge of the possibility that it can exist in them
Just reminders to myself of lessons already learned, things known but present discussions reveal might be helpful for others nearby to know.
      Oh, and my male aspects: "perfected ego" and mr self righteous, self hating, overblown sense of righteousness are off integrating. They are beginning the journey we feminine aspects just finished making.
   I am having difficulty slowing down, though. I have gotten too used to having to stay two steps ahead of the devil, make my inner journey and raising children. Heading into the moon lodge.

Jeremiah 31:22 says "Look! I am creating something new. A woman shall encompass a man".
A woman will become a man? The flesh will rule the spirit? Man will be in subjection to woman? I have proof the first two are correct. The third has yet to be proven. But it would be a complete reversal in the natural order of things, which would be new. A lot of domineering women think they are already in charge. In fact, they are misled, allowing themselves to be deceived. The man manipulates her through other people who influence her thinking and decisions by convincing him he is just the nice guy, lap dog, wanting no trouble. Instead he is avoiding taking responsibility and being lazy, allowing her to "rule the roost" so he doesn't have to do any of the work in it. While she is busy "ruling the roost" and mothering, he is off doing other things he shouldn't.  A woman truly in charge knows how to delegate and makes sure everyone is appropriately busy ;)