Removing Words From My Vocabulary, Songs and Board Games

 I do not need grace for I do not need saving from myself - Stacey Marie Bourdeau

The true vibration of love is delight.- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I replace thanks and gratitude with appreciation I trust is there because attention is being shown it. -Stacey Marie Bourdeau

The true vibration of love is delight- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I wipe "unconditionally" from my vocabulary because it contains the vibration of "condition". I give and love freely.- Stacey Marie Bourdeau

I replaced "should" with "could". 

I removed the word "but" because it represents the interjection of an argument. If we want to add to, expand on a topic, we saw; "however".

"Delight" and "appreciation" are as unconditional as we can relate to in our common human experience and "could" allows for choice, thus respecting free will and the right to self determination. 

There are plenty others, however if you've made it this far, you get the drift.

I also change words to songs. We get caught by a beat or rhythm and pay no head to the words, drawing unwanted experiences. For example; in "This is my fight song" or "Fight Song", I sing "I've got alot of life left in me" instead of "fight left in me". I've had enough of fighting. 

I change board game rules with my children as well so we're playing at the change we want to see in the world.

Needless to say, to the discriminating minds; conversations with me are interesting, fascinating and stimulating even. To others; just plain confusing and "difficult". Se la vie!💃

Consciousness freight train coming through, woo woo 🚂 (Mostly just the little engine that could 😉)

Regret- it's gone from existence to reunite with happy and love.

The Dumpster Diving Life

       Sometimes we drop something down a drain or take something apart to get to the "bottom" of a problem. For the most part, no one wants to be in the bowels of life for long. Some value themselves and their cleanliness over sentimental value placed on something by someone else, if not themselves. 

       Growing up having come out of the womb of a woman who dumpster dove for a mate (married a guy who was from "the wrong side of the railroad tracks"; violent drunk and child molester like his father), dumpster dove for household furnishings, clothing, and food(damaged, marked down, etc), all  despite having lots of money, I became ingrained with the thoughts, perceptions and beliefs of dumpster divers. She even dragged us to and dedicated us shortly after birth to a religion that glorifies dumpster diving for souls while reinforcing the existence of the dumpster and it's occupants. 

     The dumpster didn't feel like home, however I had no perceivable choice in the matter. It was familiar. I felt dirty and was uncomfortable in the presence of better because I knew I had a dumpster contaminated brain. 

      Today I understand what it was meant by Jesus that he was there for the lost sheep only, the chosen ones of Israel. There are several species of snakes; the stranglers, the venomous, and the ones that will keep the other two out of their territory. It's the king snakes I find in my territory. 

      I lost myself in the thinking and perceiving of lack, judgement, etc. in the "kingdom" of an abusive god. When I chose myself over all the dumpster trash, I became chosen. I heard the call through the corruption of prophetic words that made it into the dumpster. I found the kingdom within and eventually learned that the voices in the dumpster don't serve and so don't deserve my attention. 

     I'm pissed. Or is it just clarity that has to be brutal to make it's self clear in a grime coated dumpster? I find myself yelling the words I am trying to write as someone walks by yelling dumpster diving arguments at the dumpster diving thoughts on autoplay in their own head. 

    All that only to discover; there's always bigger, better, newer and it serves me better to focus on that instead of why I found myself in a dumpster diving for a life.

My Dancing Wound

       I was just triggered while commenting on a short video: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1212955819409334?mibextid=S2eJsg&s=yWDuG2&fs=e 

      I believed I was defending the sanctity of a practice. I realized why it was such a touchy and for me:

      I would dance out here in the desert and an old man with serious stalkery vibes would ride his bike by, stop and try to watch. I was expressing prayerful joy and appreciation for my environment as well as the sensual experience of my body's movement; something sacred to me. I felt "filthy" with him watching and thought his wanting to watch filthy. It especially became so when I would be at the store and he'd ask if I would dance for him. Even after I expressed anger at that, he would still stalk me. 

    Reflection led me to my late 20's when I knew I was supposed to be in a relationship with a man due to a soul contract. I knew he'd be drawn if I danced seductively. As I did, I thought to myself that I could never respect a man who was drawn to that intentional sexual seduction to ensnare. It disgusted me just like that old man.

     I felt "disgust". That felt familiar. Sexuality disgusted my mother. So did my greasy hair, the fact that I rode western and received champion ribbons at every show, riding with pelvis back instead of under and back straight instead of relaxed as was "the right way". The idea of me having had sex brought on a rampage of disgust. Eventually her disgust was returned by me.

     I remembered when I told my uncle proudly that I was going to be in a belly dance show on my early 20's. He refused to come because that would be bad. Disgust at my inviting him to observe what, to him, would have been sexual entered the scene. The whole reason I was drawn to and proud of my belly dancing was because I was taught that it was sacred and anything but sexual. It was a bonding with other women that I so desperately wanted because I felt such a lack of it in my life experience. No one else in my family came to watch me. My mother always viewed other women (including me, even as a child) as sexual competition for the attention of any and all men. 

     I took dance classes for tap, jazz, ballet, and gymnastics when I was a child in grade school. I did well in them all despite my stage fright. On stage wasn't so bad because we really couldn't see the audience and I could easily imagine they weren't there and would be focused on my fellow dancers whose families they were anyways. They came to see them, not me, so no pressure imagined. When my gymnastics instructor wanted me to demonstrate something for the rest of the class, however, I lost my grip and smashed myself into a cement wall, blacking out. Up close center of attention terrified me. When the idea of training me for the Olympics was introduced, I quit dancing. Quit riding dressage as a teen for the same reason. Being the center of attention even kept me from my own birthday parties and doing oral reports in school. 

      The struggle within myself was between the desire to be watched in appreciation and the reality of stage fright coupled with unwanted/traumatizing observers. This struggle manifested it's self when commenting on a dance form being "over sexualized". Quite a rabbit hole for me! I don't like pleasing myself sexually for a man wanting to watch. I don't watch porn and even avert my eyes at sex scenes in non x-rated movies. I skip those parts in books I read. I'm free with myself sexually and feel comfortable being sexual, just not with sexual voyeurism. 

    At the end of this, I realize I was accused of bad intentions. People with bad intentions or who were falsely accused of having bad intentions are the first to see and accuse of bad intentions. A mistruth can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. True intentions have been labeled "bad" when we hold no ill intent. We may become insecure about our intentions then and end up doing the same to others so we can "do right". 

    The reason for this is dancing wound is a pot luck in a mixed bag, I am seeing. I don't really want or feel the need to pick apart each ingredient and setting. 

     What I can do is introduce myself to "healthy"/ better feeling perceptions: 

      The desire to observe and be observed with appreciation is the driving force of physical existence as I know it. How many children's voices ring out in public places; "Look ma!"? It's quite normal. 

     We can expect the level of appreciation to match our level of enthusiasm toward our expression. That is; if the Law of Attraction is to be taken into consideration.

      Sex is a normal, healthy aspect of adult humanity that validly needs and deserves it's time to shine. 

       I have learned healthy boundaries, how to express them comfortably and how to recognize energies I desire interacting with in a sexual way. I feel comfortable expressing my preferences. I feel comfortable exploring sexuality so I am aware of my preferences and may develop new ones. I am confident in my choices of sexual preferences as well as non-sexual. I can choose what is sexual or non-sexual for myself without feeling threatened by others choosing to sexualize that which I do not. 

     Shoot; I have a gay male friend who playfully illicits sexual responses from me, obviously without any sexual intent and I am comfortable with it. I can joke lewdly with a CIS male comfortably without sexual intention entering the vibration. I recognize when it is "safe" and when it would illicit unwanted sexual attention. 

     I would not put myself in an environment that would sexualize activities I wouldn't want to have sexualized. 

     Now that it comes down to it, I have been creating a life experiences with little to no unwanted characters or feelings. People find myself and my place clean, cozy, desirable, admirable. They imitate and follow my example. They express appreciation for who I am and the skills I have. They're proud to know and be associated with me. Sweet realization! 🤗🎉

That takes care of that trigger!

I have been claimed.

I am owned* see link below  

I am recognized. 

I am understood.

Look; it picked it's self apart! My brain just came along for the realization, observation and translation ride. 

Stacey the Eresi, indeed🤣

     * Video from Teal Swan about what I mean by owned: https://youtu.be/RI9iu8j_f5c

Are We Really Even Truly Angry?

      I noticed something within myself and then was able to pick up on it in other children. By the time we're adults it's so ingrained and familiar it feels real AF. 

       There is real anger. That's how we recognize triggers. When we recognize that we've been triggered, we know where to look within ourselves for the source of our discomfort. When we do that, we can access relief. Then there is practiced anger that we make our own. 

      Practiced anger that we make our own comes from at least two kinds of experiences. One is when we take on the anger of caregivers so we fit in, are perceived as on their side, and we believe we are safe from having their anger projected at us. Of course it doesn't work most of the time, though it may waylay it now and then. We get angry at them hurting us, feel betrayed at it not working and our anger compounds the adopted anger. It then becomes near  impossible to differentiate the sources of the anger we may feel when triggered. It can become so familiar that we fears letting go of it for fear of losing our Identity, our false sense of self we associate with a sense of safety because adopting it was intended to make us safe. That's one of those roads to hell paved by good intentions.

     Another practiced anger is adopted in imitation of someone we admire. They display qualities, skills and experiences we want to emulate. Instead of just emulating the specific aspects we admire, we emulate everything about them, including expressing anger at the same things they get angry with. (Notice that phrase angry "with", the joining of another in the experience of). It all starts off innocent enough; like trying on a hat or pretending to be a dog. Then it becomes familiar and we begin to own it. It becomes just as fear inspiring to let go of as any other practiced form of anger. It's not just letting go of a false sense of self, it may feel like we're rejecting someone we had so admired because we may not be able to differentiate between the whole person and their various aspects. Sometimes we are ready to let go of the anger, however we are not able to separate the whole from the unwanted aspects. This leads to hate of that which we loved. This is why people turn on religious organizations they've left and even habits they've left (imbalance of use of drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc.). 

     If we are experiencing unwanted anger in our lives, from others and/or in ourselves, it may serve us to see if any of it was never really our own to begin with. The only person on the other side of letting go is someone who doesn't feel good about anger being projected at themselves or others, and is now old enough to articulate that and act in accordance with that, aka "be yourself". 

     Otherwise, our real anger is with ourselves. That does us no good as it leads to self destructiveness. Compassion and understanding for ourselves is the help we truly need. There is plenty of examples put there to show us how to gift that to ourselves. Matt Kahn's "Love What Arises" and Abraham-Hicks have been my personal go-tos over the years. You'll find yours as soon as you open up to the idea of doing so.

✌️

The End of The Twin Flame Road

     This post was inspired by a YouTube video by Sacred Soul Rising; https://youtu.be/pTiLxAOVgCw

     Union at any point of a twin flame journey depends entirely on the nature of the soul and the desires it is serving in a perceived shared time/space experiential reality. 

      To be 100% in soul 100% of the time, we would have to be focused solely in the soul it's self with no perception of any multiplicity or "other". 

      IOW; "back door feeding" is required for the perceived existence of self, including physical incarnation. It may be "back door feeding" a beach, a pet, a child, a mountain, the sky, ley lines, students, YouTube comments, etc., if not our other human incarnation. 

     No one can tell us that we are in separation from our twin due to our focus on the twin, not doing inner work, not focusing on ourselves, not ascending, being in lack of inner union or failing at any other "spiritual" pursuit (unless that's what we need to believe to fulfill the purpose serving the initiating desire at the point we are hearing of it).

      No one can tell us whether our twin is "spiritual" or not. They can't tell us if they are our polar opposite or not. Each soul and how it shows up to fulfill the initiating desire is as unique as it's self.

      Ultimately, whether we come into union with another incarnation of ourselves (twin flame) in human form at any point of the journey or not and what that will look like is going to be an individual soul's preference. If we are one with our soul (if the memory of oneness is implanted in the "brain" to be accessed while awake/focused in physicality), we will be aware of what that preference for this incarnation is. We will feel in agreement with it. It will be manifested. 

     That's why no one can tell us how this journey will end other than our own awareness of our soul's desire. Our mind is purposely either accepting freely or resisting awareness of this desire. It is consciously ("awareness implanted in mind"/"front door feeding") awareness of this desire or subconsciously (unconsciously/"back door feeding") the awareness of this desire. It has to be feeding it either way for it to manifest/experientially exist. 

     In other words; you already know how the story ends and if you believe that you don't, it's because your soul self doesn't want to know for this part of its experience of this time/space reality. IOW; you don't want to know and for the initiating desire to be fulfilled, it's important for you not to know. 

       We can even go so far as to say there is no road😉

        Yeah, I may have killed a sacred cow now and again for my own sake🤣

     

Core Parental Wounds; "Not in MY house" Creates Abusive Landlords and Employers, Gamblers, Thieves, Cure for Poverty and Corruption

        Core wounds of my masculine aspect from parental interactions are at the fore recently. This morning I realized I could not allow a man to financially support me and have a healthy sexual relationship with him. I have been replaying my father's sexually molesting me with the men who financially support me.

       That's why I only took lovers when I had my own means and when I don't, it's only perverted old men who are willing to respond to my material needs. It's because the one who was "supposed to" provide for and protect me left my material provisions to my mother who resented doing so and refused with the excuse; "you're too picky". Then he violated me when I couldn't speak up. 

     When I finally told him; "I'll tell mom!", he told me to go ahead. She shrugged it off, saying she was going to divorce him anyways. She threatened to use it against him in court to get everything she wanted in the divorce. Then she and he told every I had lied about it because they caught me in bed with a boyfriend I didn't have at 14 years old so they could have sex together again without people thinking poorly of my mother who made herself victim again. We would hear them in the shower together at night after we were in bed. Talk about traumatic! 

       So, yeah; my life has been a loop of sexual violation from men in association with material provisions or resentment and abuse from women in association with it. It came from both mother-in-laws were involved. 

      It all started to come up when a community leader posted a rant on Facebook, in essence saying; "After all we've done for you....". Yup, the ol' parental guilt trip, emotional abuse, we "owe" for what should have been provided unconditionally. That one didn't hit me, however I did sense it hitting the community. "Don't do me any favors". The responding; "Fine, I won't let anyone do me any favors" core creation generator, I DO recognize within myself. That just compounds the resist in me to be provided for.

      Another wound I see in people is the ol' ; "Not in MY house!" The deep rooted fear of losing home while being unable to fend for one's self terrorizes is as children before we can handle it and so we recreate it in our lives with landlords and employers.

     I don't remember hearing this one myself, however I hear it alot in my community; "That's why we can't have nice things". So, we learn at an early age to take the blame for everyone else's poverty. Self-fulfilling prophesy is born and gamblers and thieves along with it.

     Self esteem is the only cure for poverty and injustice. The words to express how we're affected help. I hope I have shared words that help others as they're helping me 🙏

#Leavingsurvivalmode

        I had to explain to someone that the homeless person they gave something to likely wasn't as appreciative as the giver perceived them to be. The homeless person was probably already worrying about how they were going to fulfill they're next need, such as where their next meal was going to come from. That's survival mode's symptom; lack of demonstrable appreciation. 

      The proud survivor must have an experience to barely be survivable. They must repeat the story of the experience to justify their label of survivor if they want to remain thusly entitled. If they perceive a need to continue to be titled "survivor" but don't feel like a survivor, they need another experience to hold the title. 

      There's also the Law of Attraction that draws experiences to be survived as long as we are in survival mode, resonating with the story of survivor. 

       Most are born into an environment in survival mode and are thus conditioned to it. I had a doctor who was still practicing well after the age of retirement tell me that 99% of our society (American) suffers from PTSD. If it's not poor man's worries,fears, and feelings of insecurity, it's the rich man's worries, fears and feelings of insecurity. We have community leaders taking the lead in demonstrating survival mode by the conflicts they engage in. Even the Presidents play the blame game, a sure sign of survival mode. 

     Thus, leaving survival mode is challenging. One must experience a sense of security in all aspects of life. It requires the rewiring of neuropathways, which literally changes our DNA. We must master our powers of things like perception, self awareness, emotional intelligence, understanding, etc. and be fluid enough in them to change beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. 

      People die trying: literally. I did a lot of research on cult recovery when I left a religious group. When faced with an undeniable truth that conflicts with  life-long religiously associated "truth" upon which physically healthy people made all their life choices, it is not unusual for those people to die suddenly. 

     There is, what they call RTS; Religious Trauma Syndrome. Emotionally, those experiencing RTS are emotionally in survival mode. Our education is a religion, our politics, our culture, etc are all ingrained belief systems increasingly meeting up with very different beliefs. 

     In the face of all that, I have an inherent need to thrive. So, I choose the "path of least resistance", as Abraham-Hicks would say. I choose the better feeling perceptions of myself, my world and my experiences of both. I protect my sense of security and well-being, nurture it, feed it with information via media, socialization, etc that supports an experience of thriving. 

    I have been rewiring my neuropathways bit by bit over the past 30 years by first exploring other religions than the Roman Catholic one I was raised in. Then, I became determined to find the source of all abuse/suffering and break the cycle/chain of it in both sides of my family. That meant examining all educational systems, religions, political belief systems, forms of government, psychology, etc. I turned inward upon introduction to information like the book; "Women Who Run With Wolves".

    I feel more joy, excitement and an ever increasing sense of security the more I go within myself in search of answers. I truly am #Leavingsurvivalmode