A fusion of moments, I AM loved.

  I did not know how it was all connected until today's end. How and why was it the realization of how deeply I was romantically loved came as I faced a traumatic moment of many years past? A moment I had long forgotten and moved way past?
  It began last evening with a statement made by a rabid narcissist who has made me her focus. I knew there was something to be gained from every experience, every person we interact with but the purpose of this one was illusive and felt ridiculous. No response or lack of one dissuaded the persistence for attention desired via conflict. Whatever, I responded to the ridiculousness of it: "dance brighter!" I sang out to her with her every sentence until it finally sank in for her it was the only thing she was going to hear from me in response to anything she uttered "We don't need no water, let the little woman burn! Burn, little woman, burn!" came from in me after she left with: "If I were you and had to live in your thinking, I'd have shot myself in the head long ago!". Whatever. I enjoyed being in my head. My thoughts all love and support and cherish and protect me. I went to bed.
  I woke this morning and she was waiting for me. "Can I ask you....". "NO!", I respond firmly. She continues  and so I cut in; "If you persist, I will consider it stalking and harassment and I WILL be ON IT". Still, she persists. I pick up the phone and begin dialing...she relents.
  As I began my morning reflections, it began to sink in...........
  I was given a 357 magnum "for your protection". It was loaded with a variety of bullets: armor piercing, exploding heads, a nice little variety of effective and interesting. Nothing was going to survive me shooting it. I couldn't picture myself using it, but I was polite and didn't want to offend a friend. I had fired guns before, was no stranger to them, just not that interested. I could feel the fear infused in this one and cleansed it by the very nature of my energy in holding and cleaning it for maintenance, giving it a bit of my attention.
  Then there was the night, sobbing, I held it cocked and loaded to my own head under the influence of a wizardly musician who had thoughts of suicide in his own head, angry he could not have me.....
when I remembered it, I was glad I didn't. I began to be fortified as I began to be able to appreciate all the lives I had touched since then. I began to appreciate all the experiences and personal development that occurred due to them. As I let that appreciation come in after spending the past week thinking "the divine does not love me", It occurred to me that I was loved by me and romantically and deeply, though how I got that from all this and by whom eluded me. Then I was triggered to remember the moment of the
                                                                      *CLICK*
  While that gun was cocked, loaded and pointing at my own head, I had been lamenting how nobody loves me, my life didn't matter. I had lost two daughters, then in an act of immense bravery I agreed to have another and I opened my heart to loving and adoring her, only to have her stolen from me, another failed marriage, a friend who hated me because I brought healing to his friend when he was powerless to do anything, all my female friends had abandoned me and so I had struck out at them in resentment, how did my act of such bravery not go rewarded and appreciated, why doesn't life or anyone love me?.........when suddenly I had perfect clarity and the thoughts came to me: "I don't think like this. This isn't me". The depression had instantaneously vanished from me. I laid the gun to rest, amazed I had actually considered using it.
   As I remembered that part in response to the thought "the divine does not love me", a click again: it was He who had saved me. It was He who had created that "click" and brought those life saving thoughts to me. Today I was given to mention the origins of certain religions being of gods wanting their own extinction, another suicidal theme. I had saved Him just as He had saved me. I had made his eternity worth living.
  I have astounded, confounded, amazed and frustrated Him. He would have me pinned between two options and from deep within I knew there were three and with all the courage I could muster, I took a deep breath in of my own fear and chose that which was invisible to Him and what I believed could not be a part of this reality. With it I would be given to succeed for there was a "She" also watching out for me for the sake of Him as well as me for "She" was the cause of Him as "She" was the cause of all things. Oh! The vengeance, the fury! The edges of physical death, the edges of sanity! All wrought upon me purposely in response to His experiencing them in the face of my innocence and naivety! The hatred of spirits frothing with resentment, judgement and jealousy, of scars going back for an eternity due to energies I was given to embody! The humiliation and degradation given to be enacted by other "women" because unintentionally I triggered feelings of such ion Him.The ignorance I was kept in for the sake of authenticity!
  So now I see Him and He sees me, the human being promoted to Goddess, one wee little Stacey.
Heh, the little narcissist DID have a gift worth giving in her animosity due to intimidation, jealousy and insecurity. Everyone in our lives for a reason, every moment having purpose and meaning, every bit of it a true story.
   Now we come into wholeness. Now we know what love means.

Happy "Go Topless" Day!

Disclaimer: For educational purposes only! By clicking on the link to this post, you are stating you are at least 18 years of age or have parental consent to view it. Sex ed, social sciences ed, political science ed, including link to graphic video and photographic nudity.



Yes, it IS a day "late". You see; Facebook uses pictures of women's naked breasts (and no not all of them have nipples covered) to show us what is trending for news, but allowing women them selves to choose with whom and when they want to share a picture of their own breasts? Hell no! In celebration of the freedom to be bare-breasted, I posted my own picture, friends only, and got banned from Facebook for 24 hours.
Apparently, it's not only women's breasts a woman has no right over. Logan Paul and "Dwarf Mamba" are proving their status as "best friends" by assaulting a young woman and pinning her against a clear wall so short stuff can oggle her ass more closely. I'd call that sexual assault!
https://www.facebook.com/litvids/videos/1801675670089455/ and https://www.facebook.com/LoganPaul/videos/548382878693227/

That video is O.K. and funny, yet this photo isn't?

I WAS a bitch about it and the heart CAN be poisonous...

     I realized I was a bitch to somebody and it's root was in jealousy. Believe it or not it has everything to do with "awakening", lol.
     When it all began in earnest, I belonged to a Christian fundamentalist "high control group". I shall call this phase "The Calling". The scriptures came to life before and within me. One would pop into my head calling me into a greater destiny and be immediately refuted with one of condemnation as a woman and therefore unworthy, unqualified for the position for which I was being recruited. So, I bowed out of the religion declaring myself a poison to them.
     Then came years of bitterness as this war continued inside me, as two forces battled, it seemed, and I was tossed about within it like a toy within the wind.I continued to feel a sense of being alienated as I entered the realms of "love and light" and "enlightenment". the "arrogance" of and "demeaning" from the "Masters" and "channeled entities". So, when embodiment began, I felt like an original, as if this process belonged uniquely to me. I became possessive of it, defensive of it and didn't share it with anybody for this reason as well as fear of being called crazy while imagining offense at not being taken seriously, not given a place among them-the "Masters" and "Enlightened".
    As embodiment began, my eyes began to see in "technicolor" as if I was in a cartoon reality. People in general looked like caricatures of characters and I really couldn't take them seriously. I was constantly trying to keep myself from, at them, laughing. It was as if I was trying to maneuver two separate bodies to keep from stumbling. I now know it was my physical and energetic bodies not quite in alignment as what was trying to be embodied was of a much higher vibration than my physical body. Miracles happened, unusual events, paradise on Earth for me amidst a hellish reality from which I had become disconnected and judged arrogantly in my immaturity. I could hardly believe me and feared arrogance had led to my experiencing feelings of uniqueness, difference, separation from the unawakened/"unenlightened". I alternated between defending the "normal" human being and judging them harshly.
   The years rolled by, taking on a rhythm: spring was a time of new energy, new perspective I'd have embodied, summer to practice it and put it to the test, fall the scrolls rolled out in Divine presence; "Had learned her lessons?", the harvest would come with twisted prophesies and understandings due to my resistance to the idea that I WAS doing something people would consider to be done and said only by someone who was crazy. Fear tainted everything I did and said: poisonous and self-righteous but in comparison to others, with far more clarity and innocence.
    When I gave up resistance and fear of being called crazy because, well, let's face it, I had already had everything taken from me. Nothing left to lose and all of me to be freed to expressing. Slowly, the poison left me. I gained acceptance from others the more I accepted and expressed me and what I was receiving.
 Now once again the season is upon us: the next wave is receiving the calling while those before them are beginning their initial embodiment of the entity for whom an avatar they were serving. Then there is the "quickening" when even those avatars are culled and thinned out, narrowed down to the most likely to "make it". They may even be passed on to a higher vibrational entities for whom the previous entity was an avatar...woopie! it DOES get busy, with walk-ins and ride-alongs, teachers and students, offspring to come.......
  Oh, yes, for some the adventure is only just beginning and their arrogance, "touchiness" about wording, so very familiar to me.
  And that is why I get all "ruffly" when I see all the memes about "heart centered" and "heart led" realities. The heart was the first "entity", the first organ to become it's form and thinking within the human body. Then along comes the brain to which is attributed to and entrusted with the thinking. And there's this core, this central sun and this womb or cock connected to it. The heart can be full of bitter resentment and manipulative attachment to people, places, things, ideas, judgements that it calls love. This kind of love is treacherous. It is tainted with it's own self interests and desires for acknowledgement. It needs just as much love and compassion as any other aspect out of wholeness and alignment. The heart is just like the person beginning to come to life spiritually....it's going from enmity in duality into wholeness and peace. It is on it's own journey within the human being.
  So it was I found myself being anything but welcoming into the "higher realms of consciousness", "the new Earth timeline" or whatever someone wants to call it. I struggle in the mind and heart with what it means to be a sovereign being amongst sovereign and non-sovereign beings calling upon or not some supreme being that may or may not be me but with whom I have become one with on occasion when it came to call, when it came to mark, when it came to claim, when it came to empower, when it came to set free......for last fall, my scroll was handed over to me as I was given sovereignty. Oh yes indeed, WTF does it mean to be a"fully embodied" one which for a very long time has not been seen amongst human kind? Not even trying to assign that wrapping job to my mind!

Done pimping out the innocence

  I'm not sure words are going to be able to do this job fully, but for those who can relate and benefit in some way, they may get it anyway.
  I realized something about me this morning when wondering how to maintain a certain state of being regardless of another's inability to continue to dwell in it with me. Yes, it took a hard blow to awaken me to it.
 I had grown up with the experience of a pattern: alone and wandering freely as a youth, innocence was easy to embody. It's when it began to get dark and time to go home innocence met with hardship. But innocence noticed something: hardship softened in the face of it. Of course hardship noticed and learned to hit innocence before it could be influenced and softened when it's mind was set upon an action. Innocence only learned bad things came into power in it's absence and it had no way to counter this. Then innocence noticed in romantic relationships where resources were shared: abundance would flow as they embodied innocence together, but the moment the other partner left, abundance was stolen from the other, thus from both partners. Innocence learned to be "serious" instead of "frivolous" when alone, doing cooking and cleaning and protecting resources instead of singing and dancing and playing. It learned to shine when with others as a form of self-preservation. It learned to never say no when in the flow, even if the request it felt "no" in response to WAS part of it's "flow". It knew what would transpire when it became absent and payback for the no would have been plotted. Innocence was pimped out effectively.
  So, now I must practice embodying innocence alone, allowing the practice of dependency upon the presence of an other for it's expression to fade out, becoming steady presence and practice regardless of companionship or no.
  I do not know what diamonds have to do with any of this, but they have been synchronizing their appearance with this  revelation. Blessed be! I'm off to become even more fully embodied, with consistency!

Emasculation represented in hair cutting

  I had noticed a pattern in the men I get romantically involved with. They purport themselves as free spirits and generally, for their social environment, have longer hair on their heads and/or facial hair. They love my more liberated state of being and feed off my presence. They allow me to encourage them into greater and more liberal self-expression they express desire in. I get caught up in the momentum and get lost in blissfully happy, relaxed and free.
   And then one day they shave their heads and/or faces and the uptight, must meet society's expectations, overbearing, abusive version comes in. They become people pleasing and reject me aggressively when I simply cannot conform yet begin to wither in confusion. I leave or am abandoned cruelly, stripped of any assets.
   I didn't expect that recently. The hair wasn't unusually long anyways and the man had freakin' crossed the border with nothing, making it by "the grace of god" only, expressing determination to stay. So, when he shaved his head, no bells went off in me (or I was just too caught up in joy to notice). But Oh! the pattern repeated again! Fuck me! lol Amazing, really.
   So, there is definitely an association between hair, unique to cultural, sub-cultural, societal traditions and level of self-determination. I'll be!

Moshing out the memes

  I was reminded to day of a period of severe trial a few years back. My human component was wondering "WTF?!" and wanting out. One evening a sense of someone coming for a spirit in me to inform 'her' time in the circumstances was up. She was resistant. "But I was learning so much!". Of course my human component was like "No! Shut up!". "Why do I have to go?", the spirit asked. "So you don't have more reason to boast than others". "I don't boast!" and I got the subtle sense of an occasion of excited sharing. "Oh," she said.
  The shifts are getting harder and harder on my body; the aches, the exhaustion, the buzzing of energy being resisted in it's systems. I began to see the connection.
   It is "unlady-like" to "over achieve". It is "unlady-like" to rejoice in one's successes as enthusiastically as a man who just scored a goal on the field.
  The urge to slam my body up against things began with my feet and I felt strength and energy clearing in my knees as I stomped "aggressively". My room became my mosh pit, the walls and furniture for slamming my head against symbolically mostly, not causing it or me any damage. It's not my property or that might have been different, lol
   I am eager at approaching things with grand visions I CAN achieve and enthusiastic in my self expression, passionate in it's conveyance. I had been repressing this so as to be more pleasing to society and less intimidating to men. I've been repressing power within me. This has been changing, thankfully.
   Breaking through without breaking anything this evening;)

"White emotions"

An article was posted to a group I belong to as a tool to help white people shed less tears in the presence of black activists because black activists are turned off by "white tears" and "white emotions". This is what I have to say about that:
Living in black households I have observed the intense intolerance of tears from the children. Hatred, ridicule, violent responses....to cry in a black household is too often to be terrorized and emasculated. Tears are NOT black or white. There ARE no "white emotions"! There is only the habit of feeling terror at the presence of a child crying and the immediate, intense stifling of it passed on from parents who were slaves whose child would have been taken or killed because the master was disturbed by the noise of a crying child. To accommodate intolerance of "white emotions" is to tolerate, condone, contribute to the continued oppression of the humanity within black people and their communities. Our greatest freedoms are most often found OUTSIDE our comfort zones. The right to our own emotions should NOT be just another white privilege if we want to truly heal the dysfunction we witness. YES, a slow introduction to normal HUMAN emotions may help ease it's becoming a familiarity in replacement of the stark void of denied humanity black people are familiar with already, but a complete accommodation of this self prejudice amongst black people is only a perpetuation of the prejudice within them being reflected back at them from the rest of the community.