Fly in the face of experience, my friend

  So many decisions I would make, beliefs I would practice, etc were based upon my experiences. "In my experience......." I would convey some profound, deep and accurate insights and information. Now I am choosing to consciously create my reality and choose it exclusively based on the feeling of my inner being. The "consequences" of choices that fly in the face of my past experiences are rewarding and almost invalidate past results entirely. It is the way I feel about me that determines the response of the world around me and my overall experience. It is truly amazing. I am elated to be liberated as I consciously choose to fly in the face of experience, excited to be released from previous definitions and all their limitations and succeed. That which would NOT work for someone else DOES work for me. Someone once asked me : "so it's OK for you to do that but it's not OK for me?". Boldly I agreed; "yes, it is how and why I do it that makes it appropriate and how and why YOU do it that makes you doing it inappropriate". It's not only our motive but how we feel about our motive that determines results/consequences of our decisions. We do indeed create our own reality.
   They say it is insanity if we make the same decisions expecting different results to manifest. Something in me persisted, however. Results aren't guaranteed. I simply did not know how to change the results. Now I do and a part of me is validated. I KNEW.  I trusted. The day came. "Hang in there, this time the results will be different". They were and my reality began to change. Steadily and in fits and spurts.
Delighted...... Amazed.....

Expectations and undoings

I reflect upon how it is that acts of love and kindness accepted by me completely undo me causing the feeling of tremendous pain in releasing. Releasing what? Why does this happen? Why is it not simply pure joy I am feeling?
  This evening it is given to me. When we expect abuse, we feel it before it happens: the pain of it is within us already. It holds space and sits in us so heavy surrounded by tension, leaking poison within me. When the expectation is not met because I am fully recognizing, acknowledging, allowing the feeling, perception, acceptance of love and kindness it must be released-this pain I was expecting to experience- so the love can replace it. As I allow more and more of this to happen, there is a part of me reluctant to let go of it completely. Yes, this time it was kindness and kindness is becoming the habit but what if? and I pollute myself again, not giving the space within me over completely. So what will it take for me to give it over completely? Only me. Only I can do this thing, Only I could choose it for me. I must be capable of such bravery if it has been given me to release I am thinking.
  So, what is the worst that could happen if I were to give it over completely? Expectations would be dissapointed. Already happens to me. I am taking it gracefully without the trauma it used to cause me. I have already paid for such disappointments with hunger, homelessness, loss of children, status, community. I have lost my body, been a prisoner within it as it stopped working almost completely.....a shade, a shadow in a prison of flesh unmovable.
  To have no expectations means releasing hope as much as disappointment and flies in the face of all religious instruction, positive affirmations......to live in the now completely with no attachment to any results of any self expression or feeling or something.
  But now I have left simplicity and the original revelation for speculation, replacement beliefs, etc. Expectations of abuse/negative experiences cause the pain when accepting love, kindness, compliments, etc. Expectations had become habits of over forty years, habits worth changing.

Time is up!--A dream thing

  I woke amidst the experience of being made aware that time was up for someone to have made a claim on furniture. The message is not in the form but in the feelings. The feelings were the release of the held breath: "Would they come take it? They still have a few minutes....". We have lived in a reality of times and contracts and set seasons, of clocks and schedules and forms cemented in creating limitations and 'protections' and organization and 'coordination' in lieu of synchronicity and embodying 'safety'. The part of me wounded by reality which caused me to distrust my inner knowing and synchronicity with energetic seasons is healing.
  It began with a young reality which had a predictable stage of development thing going and so outer reality began to reflect it: the moon and stars, weather and seasons. It became predictable and 'comfortable'. It would have even served in the beginning to give stability to budding creation. Just like a woman's menses it begins unpredictable, full of cramps and uncomfortable feelings where a more mature woman's guidance can bring some ease. Then womanhood is fully blossomed and it becomes pretty routine. The day must come for maturity and it's transition: menopause. Predictable cycles cease and the guidance given the young woman do not apply, do not fit, would not serve, are inappropriate. So it is with Earth's development and that of her inhabitants. Controls for the immature were dragged into womanhood.......creating co-dependency, enabling......
  I myself am stepping into a more synchronistic life, being released from the predominant reality, detoxing the predominant way of meeting one's abundance and destiny.....a more loose, fluid experience of time.

Walking in her shoes

     I am coming to understand what was meant by being made one who is "fully embodied". The "observer" aspect is now in body, connected. "online" in this reality while the personality, the "paint/make-up" has been disconnected and moved into observer's position. I think in certain circumstances "such and such would normally have been the reaction/feeling in this circumstances or in observing this" and feel around to find that indeed, it is there but detached: my body is not feeling it.......for the most part. I believe we are still in transition. I love the reaction and it fades, step by step, reaction by reaction it is slowly relegated to disconnected observer station. In this way the "almighty" observer is now walking in the shoes of the "human". Not so easy to be embodied with all the memories of responses, reactions and fear-based feelings stored in the body. "Entombed" comes to mind in this reflection. Not in a negative tone, but in an observational one and yet I am learning just because the feeling is not on the surface and ready, it does not mean it is not in there somewhere very deep, maybe even connected to that which is now relegated to observer's position. We shall see if we are open to all possibilities.
    One thing keeps coming to me: in the presence of grace, there is no mercy. The observer is a creature of grace. Love is unconditional. It cannot be met by a state of mercy and has none (mercy) for it(mercy). Grace is all or nothing. Mercy sees what it judges and agrees to include or excuse or overlook it. Grace does not judge anything. It accepts it as well as the limitations that go with it, whatever it may be in a state of love. So it is that a person of mercy who is judging is not accepted into a state og grace nor by one embodying grace. A strange thing from most perspectives I would imagine.
   The body is no longer immune to what it once was which could mean it is in rebellion of the transition, it is the chosen state of embodiment for the benefit of a fully human experience, or maybe something like simply being vulnerable, uncertain, irritated by the transition. Another "we shall see" thing, I guess.

Almost speechless

      If I was not so saturated in the use of words, practice of self-expression, and focus of self-awareness I would be speechless and probably short-circuiting from overwhelming. Where to even begin?!
     My welcome to my new community: I stepped out in the morning with my coffee, the sun shining brightly, warmth for my bare feet. I turn and am greeted by a woman; "Well, aren't you beautiful! Do you see that sun shining so brightly? It does so in honor of your presence. I had prayed to Jehovah to be surrounded by His own hand-chosen ones and here you are standing right before me and I speak to the spirits in you.........". In my sleep time I am asked to raise younger spirits. All this on top of having just made a physical journey of epic proportions from the frozen north by means I had not made use of in many years. On top of financial uncertainty. On top of unfamiliarity with the environment, on top of uncertainty of manner of welcome, on top of ........I am in awe of the compassion for and understanding of the human condition I am met with, the love being embodied and expressed, acceptance, exposure, validation of a past that devastated......utterly ruined in a good way and healing and profoundly blessed. I see my children comfortably falling in with children being raised in the same vibration,.....into closeness of cousins as we had when children before the devastation. The puffing out of his chest and glowing with happiness in the eyes of my son in positive soul-searing moments......The crying of heart opening and releasing and awe of beauty and blessing. Alot of processing going on in deeper levels I cannot even address due to sheer intensity. I can only let go and let it happen naturally without judgement. I know I shall be changed in ways I cannot even see and so broadly I shall not even know until placed into situations that expose it to me.
  Waves of appreciation so epic in proportion..........and I asked for this.......worked relentlessly for it......and it's all I can do to just breath.

Used cars and raspberry kisses--dreams

     Morning before last I woke in the midst of a "dream".
  The "dream" went like this: My "ex" husband and I were riding in a car. He went one way in his own while the driver and I paused for a discussion. I got the sense of him telling me how he buys these cars to give to people in need of them for travelling. He was making two stacks of one dollar bills and I was to tell him when to stop. My ex peaked in to check on me, how it was going. "I" said "I want to go there" and my attention was directed ahead but all I saw was grey and I "woke up fully".
  Given my circumstances I would be given to believe I am about to be given a car to make the physical journey I am about to make. I have learned better when it comes to me. For some it would be that simple and true: their dream would become a physical reality. My existence is primarily focused on a spiritual journey and my destination would be a state of being that is being chosen.
   A day later I wake with a change in perception about the dream. I was not being given a vehicle, I was selling mine. The significance was that I was receiving the physical representation of abundance. This is a big deal for me because I have always felt reluctance at receiving "money". It always felt dirty. I guess the dream was letting me know I was getting over that association. I know the "ex" would indeed have been smiling while watching over the exchange because it is what "he" has wanted for me.  Another significant difference for me was that "he" was not working against me, restricting or limiting me. "He" did not have his spiteful "girlfriend" with him. He was simply smiling and nurturingly checking in to make sure all was going well with the exchange for me. It means I have "his" support in my choice of destination and in getting to where I am going. That's a nice change for me.
  Now I just wonder if I was selling my vehicle to join "him" in his or if I am still persisting in my independent streak.......
  And then there is the idea that I have always associated the vehicle with the body. For example: when I was shown in a similar "dream" that I was pregnant with my son, I was driving a car and when I looked in the rear view mirror I saw a baby in a car seat. I had no literal car at the time and left on foot. This leads me to wonder if this body is about to have an "accident" and awaken from it with a different consciousness. If so, what shall that consciousness be?
 There all sorts of potentials, should we believe the stories. There are the stories from the concentration camps under Hitler: when extreme sleep deprivation was employed the men used as subjects tore their bodies to the point they should not have been living and did not want to go to sleep. When asked who and what they were, they replied they were the parts of them that did not go with them when they slept. In other words: the consciousness of the body it's self seperate from the spirit that inhabits it. I suppose that is why those who practice meditation become very earth-based in their spirituality: the earth in the form of human flesh gets to travel with the spirits in it's meditations and influence spirits. Makes me think of sleep walking and other such "unusual" occurences where the person has no memory of what they had been doing "unconsciously".
  Such things as something like the story of Black Beauty come to mind: bred and served then sold off at the loss of the lady of the house, the family having to move.
  But I am pretty certain the transition has already occured and it was not just the "vehicle" being handed over but the means to get it to the desired destination. With vibrational alignment in effect, there won't be a great feeling difference that would make it obvious in this case. I do vaguely remember saying "I agree" enthusiastically the other day when I felt the presence of pure innocense and presented with the idea of an image of an angel. We shall see. The feel of interactions lately has been much more pleasant, easy going and generous. This morning's dream was of being kissed by one who took the form of someone from high school whose kisses upon my body felt like the taste of raspberies: all sweetness it's self.
  Regardless, it makes a case for walk-ins. I once had a "dream" where a rhino was a vehicle: a trcuk like thing with a rhino's head, legs and tail.....spirits are "driving "animals as well if it be true.
  In the mean time, my body having let down it's guard in response to these more pleasant experiences, has "caught a cold". Releasing resistence often manifests as illness so I am taking it easy.

Romantic love

I accept you
To be no other than yourself,
Loving what I know of you,
Trusting what I do not yet know,
With respect for your integrity
And faith in your abiding love for me.
In all that life may bring us,
I pledge my love.
~~~~~~~from "Exodus, Gods and Kings", wedding vows
To love this way is easy. To accept that we are loved this way is difficult until we recognize that we do love this way and so it is not only reasonable, but possible to know and accept that the above describes the love with which we do love.
We love so readily and easily, we get caught up in whatever catches our attention. We engage easily and readily, almost helplessly. We are so comfortable with our nature to do so, we resist leaving whatever we are caught up in. That resistence causes conflict within that manifests without and we get caught up in it, resist coming out of that and on it goes.
To gain an observer's perspective and see how it all works, to gain "enlightenment", to "awaken" requires a greater degree of detachment and seperation from our very own nature of getting caught up in feelings, experiences, events. If attachment was not natural and normal, it would not happen. To become detached is to seperate from ourselves, seperation causes a sense of lack and deprivation which draws the experience and on that goes.
There is a time and place for all things: a moment for attachment to that which is outside of us (which is detachment from self) and a moment for non-attachment (becoming attached to one's own self, inner processes and understandings coming in). We are never one without the other, then.
It is HOW we attach and detach: how we choose which attachment to focus upon and how we engage in that focusing that makes us a "master" of relationship, places us in 'good' or 'bad' relationships which only boils down to "comfortable" and "uncomfortable". Everyone's idea of a 'good' relationship is going to depend upon their idea of 'good'.
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Lalit Arora with Sally Profota Scarborough and 2 others
2 hrs ·
Perfect explanation👏
Husband: I love you
Wife: I love you too, infact I love you so much I will fight the whole world for you
Husband: but you fight with me the most
Wife: because you are the whole world to me😳😂😂
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To some, that is a good relationship. To others it'd be hellish and abusive.
Relationships are basically investments. On what kind of relationship do we invest our attention, time, energy and resources? That which we invest in grows. That which we lose interest in, does not.
Relationships never end. We never truly leave oneanother. We are changed in some way by every relationship and that change stays with us, even if we physically move on. Thus, whatever was invested in us, was sourced from the person with whom we were in relationship, goes with us. They go with us to that extent. Every time we think of someone, every time we focus on that which was gained/given due to our interaction with them, we continue to invest in them, even from a distance. So, even if it is a matter of "I became stronger in the face of their abuse.", when we focus on our strength and wisdom, we focus to some extent on them/their investment in us. We perpetuate oneanother's existence, passing it on to our children and whomever else we influence/invest in. Relationship never ends.  It requires no pledge, for the nature of relationships cannot be uncommitted.
To understand the nature of anything: the human condition, abuse, etc, we must come into relationship with it and simply by doing so, we perpetuate it. It only diminishes when we lose interest in it. Anything can only be diminished in our experience, never truly gotten past/ended forever.
We can never be anything other than ourselves. Even if it is our self putting on pretenses, we are still ourselves, even if it is acting a certain way to please someone else we are ourselves acting.
We always trust what we do not yet know. If we didn't we wouldn't be interested.
If we didn't respect one another's integrity, we wouldn't find it wrth attempting to shake.
Abiding of love is the nature of our existence, it is the idea that we have a choice in the matter that is the illusion. We can only choose to acknowledge it and focus on it or not.
So, in truth, we all live these wedding vows consciously or unconsciously:
"I accept you
To be no other than yourself,
Loving what I know of you,
Trusting what I do not yet know,
With respect for your integrity
And faith in your abiding love for me.
In all that life may bring us,
I pledge my love."
~~~~~from "Exodus, Gods and Kings"
There's another theme that wants to come in here: What pops into my head is from the movie "Avatar". When becoming a hunter, the Navi choose an Ikran and the Ikran chooses them. The Ikran will only fly with one hunter for life. How do you know the Ikran chooses you? It will try to kill you. It reminds me of a belief about horses: if it hurts you and you take it, it will be loyal to you for life. When I was young I chose a pony out of a herd. It kicked me in the face and knocked me out. My parents asked "Do you still want this one?". "Yes!", I answered. I was the only one who could ride that pony. Any one else it reared or bucked off, usually in the pumpkin patch.
"That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and isn't love supposed to strengthen, build up, expand and increase us? "If you can take the worst of me, you can love me" seems to be a common theme.  And does that not qualify loving all of someone? Does that not qualify as loving despite the/no matter what condition they are in (unconditionally)? lol Are they not giving you opportunity to prove/practice your integrity? "Testing" is a very common theme amongst gods and men.