Expectations and undoings

I reflect upon how it is that acts of love and kindness accepted by me completely undo me causing the feeling of tremendous pain in releasing. Releasing what? Why does this happen? Why is it not simply pure joy I am feeling?
  This evening it is given to me. When we expect abuse, we feel it before it happens: the pain of it is within us already. It holds space and sits in us so heavy surrounded by tension, leaking poison within me. When the expectation is not met because I am fully recognizing, acknowledging, allowing the feeling, perception, acceptance of love and kindness it must be released-this pain I was expecting to experience- so the love can replace it. As I allow more and more of this to happen, there is a part of me reluctant to let go of it completely. Yes, this time it was kindness and kindness is becoming the habit but what if? and I pollute myself again, not giving the space within me over completely. So what will it take for me to give it over completely? Only me. Only I can do this thing, Only I could choose it for me. I must be capable of such bravery if it has been given me to release I am thinking.
  So, what is the worst that could happen if I were to give it over completely? Expectations would be dissapointed. Already happens to me. I am taking it gracefully without the trauma it used to cause me. I have already paid for such disappointments with hunger, homelessness, loss of children, status, community. I have lost my body, been a prisoner within it as it stopped working almost completely.....a shade, a shadow in a prison of flesh unmovable.
  To have no expectations means releasing hope as much as disappointment and flies in the face of all religious instruction, positive affirmations......to live in the now completely with no attachment to any results of any self expression or feeling or something.
  But now I have left simplicity and the original revelation for speculation, replacement beliefs, etc. Expectations of abuse/negative experiences cause the pain when accepting love, kindness, compliments, etc. Expectations had become habits of over forty years, habits worth changing.