The Enough Wound

      It began with a hungry stomach. I didn't want to be hungry anymore. I have food. It's the experience of hungry I did not want anymore. I knew it had to go deeper because I am acquainted with breathairianism. I've experienced it. 

     I felt deep in my body this morning as I face another day of barely enough arriving after the hunger hurts, after lack has left a toll, I can't get things done that need because of lack of cleaners, enough water, containers, etc. I caught myself sipping water until gulping like my body wants. I realize I have kept it that way subconsciously to make it last due to sparsity. 

     I was brought back to a childhood of excesses of unneeded and not enough food, clothes, money to join the other children in the gift shop on field trips, etc. Brought back to a mother complaining there was never going to be enough money for her retirement. A friend crying when she came over because I "have everything". "But you have your mother's love, she does laundry with you, she makes sure you eat, have nice clothes, get hair and nails done, etc". My parents were millionaires raising us like homeless waifs.

      I was brought back to a couple summers past. I had made a huge pan of banana pudding to share with a family going through a difficult time. The children fell on it like wolves. The youngest was screaming in desperation as he watched it all disappear while he had rely on his mom to work the spoon for him because he couldn't reach the table. Pictures of starving children in Africa....

     I could feel how some part of me was always energetically stretched out, reaching to snatch things in that same hungry desperation as that child watching the banana pudding disappear right in front of his face. I had an aunt who hoarded food. I have cousins with eating disorders. Yes, they all came from the poor dirt immigrant farmers side of the family. My father's becoming financially wealthy did not end the hunger.

     I guess my assignment wasn't just breaking chains of abuse and financial poverty. World hunger is today's epic cleansing. Let myself feel the pain release, to stop the stretching, the reaching. "Ask and you shall receive". 

      I feel like a child you see in the movies taken from the jungle and forced to sit, relax, eat slowly using utensils. There is enough for everyone, my love, go easy. The softness envelopes and becomes me. Now I see the energetic approaches that don't suit me. 

      We've got animal bodies made of flesh raised in packs where runts don't last. That does change upon awakening. 

     I also realized I was against temporary fixes "because if it doesn't get done right the first time, it won't ever get fixed". That prevented small steps, for things to develop. I didn't want to lie and tell someone it was wonderful for fear of hurting their feelings, so I kept silent and did without. Smoking gave me a lightness in the body it needed from soul/spirit instead. I have those. I have everything I need and it can be just the way I like it, even if what I like changes. It was good enough. I just hadn't realized it.